Lost, But Alive - Childhood Abuse Equals PTSD

[Moey]

Hi I am new to this site. I also suffer from PTSD. I am not good with sites but after many years of suffering I thought I would give it a try.

I grew up in an alcholic home. My dad was quite violent. My mother was a diabetic and my father was giving her the insulin and messed up one too many times. She died when I was 12. I was in 6 foster homes after that and faced the usual array of problems that only some foster homes can offer.

I was married at 23 but my husband molested 2 of my sisters children. One at 2 1/2 years old and the other from 8 to 14. I was more shocked at myself for not picking up on it and have blamed myself constantly for the terror they went through (and still go through)

4 years ago I was in a head-on-collision in a tunnel and was extremely luck to live. 2 years ago I was hit by a car as a pedistrian.

It was a rough go as all of you know I am sure. And here I am..

So that is my start to the forum......not sure what I am hoping for but thanks in advance to any that read and reply.

[Nam]

Hello Moey, welcome.:smile:
Wow, you are one tough lady.
not sure what I am hoping for but thanks in advance to any that read and reply.
We hope that you will have some comfort (as little as it may be) that you have others that totally understand what you are going through. Welcome aboard.
Nam

[YoungAndAngry]

Hey Moey,

Glad to have you here!

Two accidents! OUCH!
Sometimes life just sucks sometimes,
that's why were here
vent, make friends, learn...
and we'd love to hear about your day (http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread201.html)

[Socks]

Hi Moey,
Welcome to the forum.

You will find support and receive good advice from people who care and share similar experiences.

Hang in there and don’t lose hope. It will take time but it will get easier.

Socks

[piglet]

Welcome aboard Moey!

[purdyamos]

Hi Moey! I'm new too but no matter how we've come to suffer the effects of trauma, we all know how it feels. You must have felt like your troubles would never end, and that nobody could understand. I hope you find some comfort and strength here.

[Nam]

I know that you have emotional and mental scars from the accidents, but do you also carry the burden of physical ailments caused by the accidents?

[Kerrie-Ann]

Welcome Moey,

Thats a lot of stuff to happen to one lady. Hope this forum gives you a bit of space to share with others who have suffered trauma and maybe a bit of respite from the stuff that goes on inside. Good to have you here.

[anthony]

Hi Moey... welcome aboard, and very glad to be able to chat with such a luchy lady. I say lucky, because one head on, then hit by a car... damn, did you buy a lotto ticket after surviving all that? I would have...

Why is it always children? What the hell is wrong with some adults to actually abuse children, allow them to growup without love, support and careing. Maybe the world does need to introduce some type of parenting school, and even screening process to the mental capability to be allowed to have children. Parents are suppose to protect their kids, ensure they growup well and protect them from predators, not be the predators.

Dead set... what has the world become!!!

[Moey]

Thanks to all of those who sent emails to my introduction one! It was very comforting to see.

Someone asked me if I had any injuiries from the car accidents. I have a loss of memory problem and a speech problem. I also have back and neck problems, but that was very lucky compared to what it could have been.

I was just wondering how everyone else handles being diagnosed with PTSD.

I seem to fight it constantly and I am always mad at myself for not being the same as I was.

It seems to be very hard for me to believe it is real and that it can really do this much damage.

How has everyone else coped with it? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks so much

Moey

[Nam]

I am always mad at myself for not being the same as I was.

Me to when I was at that stage. I felt like I deteriorated so much. If you hang tough and make it through, you might see some benefit. I sort of mourned the old me and tried to live with the new me. I know that doesn't sound very good, but that was where I was after being diagnosed. There are still days now when I wish I could be "ignorant" again, but most of the time, I'm okay with being me. We have all been through so much shit and we are all still here, helping each other, and making it through life. In fact, some of us are enjoying it. This is all success. Remember that you have already made a positive step toward healing by sharing your diagnosis and learning more about it. Congratulations!

[anthony]

Well said Nam. Moey, it takes time, and the biggest factor is that you acknowledge that you do have PTSD. You can be diagnosed, and be ignorant, or in denial still that it exists, but these facets will only help you deteriorate slowly, instead of improve, and make it to the other side of your PTSD.

You can read heaps of content here already, and you will see how brutally honest I am about PTSD, and the fact that it will take years for you to come to terms, accept it, learn about it, rid yourself from your trauma, accept your trauma as part of your life, and move with PTSD, instead of against it.

What you think and what you believe are very often two completely different things. The technique to successfully get past the worst of PTSD, is that you need to learn and believe realistically at each and every point your at, and not second guess or think you are at a better point. Again, thinking and believing are very different. The mind is the central processor for PTSD, and it is definately the mind you must tame and control to get back to some sort of normalicy once again.

If your strong, your willing, and you really do want to get past the worst of PTSD, then you need to accept it, embrace it (because its not going anywhere anytime soon) and begin to fight the symptoms you can win first, then tackle the larger issues when a little stronger within yourself. Education and mental preparedness is key to the success of PTSD.

Everyone here can help you get past your own PTSD, whether they know it or not, but you also have to believe in yourself, in your ability, and along with ability comes your limitations, and work hard at yourself, your fears, traumas and emotions to really get a handle on PTSD.

We are here to help you Moey, we are here to just chat with, we are here to advise you, we are here to just listen... regardless what you are after within yourself, we are here for you, and that is the most important part of it all. You have support here, encouragement and people who truly know what you are suffering. Whilst how you got PTSD is different, as everyone's is, the symptoms and end result are the same.

You made the biggest steps already Moey, in that you have been diagnosed, you must accept it to some point because you found this place, which means you are actively looking to improve yourself past the realms of PTSD, to the greener pastures, which do exist.

[Merlin]

Hi Moey,

You must have an amazingly strong constitution to still be around after all that.... I concur with Anthony... some people should be screened before being allowed to reproduce. The significant adverse psychological effects of severe emotional and mental abuse is something only we can fully comprehend. I've been researching the symptoms and behaviour responses that I suffer from for years and I'll happily share what I have with anyone.

You have my respect and admiration Moey,

Merlin

[carpediem2006]

Hi Moey and Welcome!

Initially my doctor knew two things about me, and we were focusing on depression and mild brain trauma for the memory loss.

After a long while, I eventually decided if I had a therapist, then I should let rip and get out the other details. I just needed that confidence with them first. They were kind of surprised. Many would not get as far as you have, unfortunately...some never get to be diagnosed with anything. They opt out and go to wherever that other place is. So you are a tough cookie, not a weak one.

PTSD remains in some shape or form, but I am sure that having beaten everything else so far in my life I will get back to a normality, whatever that normality is and the differences it may hold for me.

Right now my main concern remains with the memory loss and sleeplessness, which probably sound familiar. I could medicate, and needed to for a while, but now am trying to get through without and feel much better emotionally for it. It took a while but at the moment I am able to be there. If it takes a step back then I will do that too.

It sounds like you also have a mild brain trauma injury mTBI, especially becuase you had two accidents. Please be careful regarding something called secondary impact syndrome, ie another bang on the head could be more dangerous for you than someone that didn't have one. It would be a good idea to think about getting ready for a checkup immediately after any other bang on the head. It puts us in a higher risk category.

The problem with PTS and mTBI is first that mTBI does not show in a CAT scan, EEG or MRI in over 20% of cases, so it remains undiagnosed. I won't ever know what extent is mTBI, but the fact I couldn't read or walk properly and was picked up by security and placed in an ambulance by them suggests that I didn't only have depression. However, I remain in that frustrating place where I was told 'it's the pills', 'it's the depression' etc which I find infuriating at times. The good news is a concussion, takes a while to clear, but the brain has great powers to heal, even over the years. There is a great overlap in PTS and mTBI symptoms...common ones more specific to brain injury are forgetting names (but remembering all other details), forgetting times dates or having them confused, blanks in memory (amnesia), low grade persistent headaches, tinnitus, lack of self control, changes in behaviour emotionally or sexually.

There is some kind of retraining you can do, and I am going to look into it as time goes on first for myself, and for others coming here who have also had accidents etc. Unfortunately, I am a bit slower than I used to be on that.

In the end I gave up explaining amnesia, as the last time I saw a neurologist he realised I had depression and was taking pills and simply sent me away. The other thing is that I can do immediate recall. The problem is minor, and won't get noticed anyway. Besides, there is no pill for it, so I will have to just get on with it as it continues to improve. Memory loss though is really frustrating, so you have my sympathies on that score.

One thing that helps me is to have a paper on the exit door with appointments, when I remember to use it, as I will forget to look at a diary. I have been told to live by a diary, but found I was unable to keep up with the things to do at those times, which made me feel more useless. On rereading your post you mentioned your speech has been affected. I do not know how good or accessible your healthcare is, but wondered if you had ever been offered speech therapy. A friend of mine works in that area, and often works with people who have been in accidents. It can really help. Until I got here, I was ignorant of who exactly saw a speech therapist. It might be of use, if you are interested. Alternatively (if it's too expensive where you are or has a waiting list), I know when I was learning other languages it really helped me to record my voice reading, and listen back to it, especially if I was reading or repeating something I had recorded elsewhere such as listening to a news report sentence by sentence and repeating it back. On listening to it the areas that are differently pronounced were clear to me and I could slowly learn how to pronounce that sound in the language, concentrating on the syllable or sound that was different. It may interest you, I am not sure.

The main thing is you are now here, and doing something else positive for yourself. I have found this site more useful in understanding me than a hundred appointments elsewhere with people who are medically trained but do not give me a reference point. It made me realise I was normal, not disordered as the name indicates. You have this as a reaction to things we were not meant to deal with, that's all.

[lrs]

Yeah, I grew up up in a violent household. I turned out about as screwed up as you can get. I never dreamed I would one day have a good life, but with the help of a lot of people and good luck, that is exactly what I have today. Don't give up.

[GR-ass]

I was sexually abused by my brothers growing up and I have only just been given a tentative PTSD diagnosis.
It is so hard sometimes I mean I have been having these reactions to things for years but it has gotten so much worse in the last year or so.
Let me just say the most I have gotten to handling PTSD is coming here.

[Miander]

I know you don't feel that way, but honestly look at your life and the things you've been through (I am sure you only listed a few of the many)! You are alive and survived so many horrible things, things that individually would give someone PTSD, but cumulatively...I cry to imagine what you have been through your whole life. Good for you for being here and trying to work on things.

"I seem to fight it constantly and I am always mad at myself for not being the same as I was." - It is obvious that you are a fighter, and a good one, just don't fight yourself, that won't help you heal.

"It seems to be very hard for me to believe it is real and that it can really do this much damage." - Believe, accept and recover.

I hope that you find what you need here :thumbs-up

[cdunny]

Hmmmm... do you ever feel like you have a target on your back? Geez... That story sounded like one of those twisted tragedy movies where in the end it never actually gets a whole lot better, but the person finally accepts that their life is just one big practical joke, and the movie ends with a stiff drink and a couple of good hearty laughs with a close friend. :occasion:


Well, welcome to the Forum Moey. Im very sorry to hear about all that you've been through. I dont partake in illegal substance, but I think that I would make an exeption for you. Id just about like to sit down with you and smoke a blunt and contemplate the mysteries of why some people have all the luck and some have none at all.:smoking:

You've heard of that book The Purpose Driven Life? Well I have a good notion they had you in mind when they wrote it.

Forgive me. I dont mean to be scenical, but Geez Louise. anyways. WE are all glad to see you here. we hope you find that your among friends and that we are open to whatever you feel like jamming at your keyboard. Looking forward to reading your posts.

[carpediem2006]

Hi Moey

One good perspective you already have is obvious when you say 'that was very lucky compared to what it could have been'.

The other thing I do is take your sentence and 'I seem to fight it constantly and I am always mad at myself for not being the same as I was' and changed it to being mad at the people that caused it, then to realising life sometimes throws things at us we weren't expecting beyond our wildest expectations. It's life, it follows no specific plans, however hard we try to impose them.

'It seems to be very hard for me to believe it is real and that it can really do this much damage' I think of as can have been doing, is still doing but to a lesser extent and is getting better.

I try and think what I can do, what could have been worse (I am still here after all to live another day).

The main thing is to get rid of anger directed at yourself and ask yourself would most others have reacted in a similar or possibly even worse way. I find that they often would, and often hear peoples problems that are weighing them down and really have to pinch myself to think that that is all they have to think about and that they find it a problem in the first place.

It sounds crass, but the fact that I am writing on my PC, drinking a cup of tea in my apartment puts me streets ahead of what many have. I am still lucky. I find it frustrating that my memory loss is always attributed to depression and my lack of organisation ditto, but am sure it is also related to the assault. Regardless I am still here. I cannot change that and I do my best to improve all the time.

My latest frustration is how to get myself back into work after being out of work for so long, with the other factors personal to me which would take too long to go into. Life can be a bummer, and the one thing I have picked up is compassion and understanding of others to a greater degree at times, but at others admittedly without the patience I used to have when it sounds trivial because they are not actually explaining the real root of the problem, just a minor tribulation weighing them down.

Read, use your brain as much as you comfortably can, push yourself slowly towards new things and forgive yourself when they are not done in the time you wanted them done in. It is when I start beating myself up about it that I start to come down. If I accept where I am and the limitations I have compared to before, I am still better off than many. It will be OK and I believe that I will beat this, as I have beaten every other obstacle thrown at me so far. It will take time and effort, but as long as I keep pushing myself slowly to go forward forgiving myself of my lack of accomplishment, I will get there, but am not sure still where 'there' is going to be.

Good luck, stick around and read a lot on PTSD and CBT/positive thinking. You are half way there already. The other thing to remember is that we cannot change anything that has happened already, only where we are going. The patience during that process is hard to maintain, sometimes excruciatingly so. But I will get there, so will you.

[goingonhope]

Hi Moey, know exactly what your talking about when you say "Lost, but Alive." That's me too, all the way. I too had a violent, dad. He was alcoholic. The terror and abuse was more than my mind could stand. Never had an opportunity to discuss it with anyone until app. 20 yrs. later. At which point I didn't know which trauma to tackle. Don't think I've ever talked about it. Certainly have re-lived it time and again. Hope you find all you hope for and far more here, for all your PTSD.

[trisha]

Hi Anthony,

thanks for the welcome, I'm new at this forum stuff, my sister thought i should give it a try.

I was just released from the hospital suffering from severe ptsd and depression due to a rape, stalking and some earlier issues that cropped up as a result of the ptsd (severe childhood abuse, a devastatating car acccident, divorce, hysterectomy (young with no children)
Trying to cope with the flashbacks nigtmares, depression mood swings and fear that go along with it.

I have just begun therapy and started on some medications, and am beleving that there is hope!

I just long for my life back.........................................

Thanks for listening
trish

[anthony]

Well trish, I can't say you will get your life back as such, but I can say you can certainly have a new life, with PTSD in check, most likely a more superior you than ever before... but PTSD will still be present, just managed.

[Nam]

Welcome Trisha. There is hope. I know when it's bad, it's hard to even say, "hope" outloud, but I'm here to let you know, that it does get better. I'm sorry you had to go through so much so early in life. Stick around and you will read stories and feelings that all have the same theme: PTSD.

[wildfirewildone]

:hello: WELCOME TO OUR FORUM!!! I too was severely traumatized in childhood for a vast number of years...got PTSD from that...only diagnosed for 3 years...I was also raped....a year and a half ago....It sure added to the symptoms!!! However I found a good rape crisis volunteer [in another county]and I feel that I am through that part of my recovery...feel free to ask me whatever questions you have concerning that:cool: :thumbs-up ....wildfirewildone...KEEPING THE PEACE