My Real Battle Is At Home, Not In Iraq

[LittleRedGolfToo]

I am an Army Chaplain Assistant who returned from Iraq awhile back. In Iraq, I volunteered to clean and bag the bodies of US/Coallition and Local Nationals (Iraqi's) who were killed. I also did my job and was my Chaplain's personal security guy and also on my CSM and CDR's PSD (Command Sergeant's Major and Commanders Personal Security Detachment/Detail). When I wasn't on the FOB, carrying my dead brothers, trying to breath life back into them, holding their destroyed heads and bodies, I was being shot at and blown up. I survived somewhere around eight serious encounters with death. I wish now it would have come. I don't sleep more than three hours at night and they are disrupted by dreams. The other night I thought I'd been shot in the face - I could feel the blood and tissue and woke my fiance up asking her if it was a bad wound. She freaked out and I went into the bathroom to see how bad it was - guess what, I hadn't been shot...chalk up another wasted night to another bad dream. I knew something was wrong with me emotionally, when I realized I was thinking about killing myself everyday. It took about 2 months to figure out that I was continually thinking about it. I don't think about suicide too much anymore, because I know it's rediculous, but that's when I sought help.

The Doc I saw was an idiot (or so I thought). I took a long (30 minute or more) test and then after reading the 'results' and talking with me for an hour or something, informed me that I have the PTSD shit and need to start some light thing, where he shines a light into my eyes. Also he suggested that I attend some group-therapy for my nightmares and something else (can't remember)..well, it was overwhelming so I blew off my next appt's with him. I'm afraid to go back now for being a douche, but I don't think I can continue going on as I am...I need help. So many things trigger flashbacks and bad memories and I haven't had a decent night sleep in so many months. I feel like I'm in a hole that only sinking deeper and deeper.

[anthony]

Hi golftoo... tell me about your dreams. Are they nightmares of actual events you where involved, or more other things that your mind is making up surrrounding the same type of events?

[LittleRedGolfToo]

The majority of my dreams are things my mind is making up surrounding similar-type events. The nature of the death/destruction is the same, but the vehicle or person's may be different.

[anthony]

What trauma do you feel is most prevalent within you, the one that bothers you the most?

[LittleRedGolfToo]

I think it's the memories of injured and dead children that bother me the most. When I'm out in public and I hear kids screaming or crying, my day's ruined.

[mac]

:hello: Hi LRGT. We understand your pain here.

I'm curious though after reading your post... Not long ago, my Vet Center counselor showed my wife (I was present) a video about PTSD so my wife could better understand me. In that video there was an Army Chaplain Assistant interviewed who had PTSD. I was just curious if that was you?

[anthony]

golftoo, tell me about the children in detail please, what you can each time... lets nut this out.

[LittleRedGolfToo]

Two little boys are waving at me as I'm driving by and then attempt to throw a grenade at my vehicle. The grenade then blows up in the boys hand, killing him and seriously injuring his younger brother. I'm trying to save the dead child, although I know he's dead and I feel hate and happiness and helplessness...I knew I was ****ed up in the head in Iraq, when I started joking about some of the dead kids we'd encounter.

Another dream, is that an iraqi car comes racing up to me and it's all shot up and inside is a very small infant (year old or less). The child is obviously dead and the parents are screaming at me in jibberish (arabic) and there's nothing I can do, but I take him from the back of the car and I know he's beyond dead and I feel helpless...

Another dream is that I've been shot in the face by a sniper and I can feel the blood and brain and junk all over my face, even after waking up.

I'm also just afraid to fall asleep at night. I'll be dead tired and images of dead soldiers that I put into body bags, tried to save, watched die, etc. will play through my head like a sick movie.

[anthony]

Now, as these are dreams, where these dreams reality? Did they happen? If so, which one's?