Express "Whatever" And "All" It Is That Has You Swamped On Any Given Day

[goingonhope]

Many are not fond of complaints and/or don’t appreciate one who seemingly imposes complaints too often….well here on this thread anyone gets to freely and openly complain all they want, bc it’s beneficial to be done when and if need be, it doesn’t impose itself on anyone here, and we simply do not ever have to open this thread if complaining is simply not our style.

I happen to find it an outlet and it means for me a lot less worry and complaining to do at home. State it, get it out, perhaps learn something, dismiss it as quickly as possible, and move forward.

PTSD sufferer or not, everyone in life get’s buried under a sh’t load of work and accountability. This is a community voice/vent. Are you in need of expressing, just how swamped and with what, you may be in your life on any given day. I know I am. Just what struggles do you (we) face in your (our) daily life, threatening to overflow your cup, perhaps outside of PTSD but still resulting in added daily stress?

Being on a life or death undertaking, some of us with both enormous responsibilty and some very desperate needs, and perhaps little to no support system, be it family or otherwise. We sometimes struggle with the willingness to educate ourselves on our most devastating PTSD, expose our trauma, re-evaluate everything and heal. In order to do this, does this mean abandoning our present day realities and life responsibilities, for a constant, uncompromising, straight out assault of this ******* thing with all it’s trauma? Or, does it mean calling out effective principles and qualities such as: Acceptance, Balance, Moderation, Recovery and Practicality, despite our excuses, and in addition to and cooperation with, our Determination and Motivated, desperate efforts to heal?

I like what I read here: http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread279.html
Originally posted by Anthony
“It astounds me more and more each day, more members finding this community, more people reading and getting to trust what happens here before diving into talking. So many affected, with so little scope of the actual significance and impact this disorder is having upon them.”

...so many affected with so little scope, ect. -this is and has been me for way too long.

And I like, so much more, which has been said, which I’m reading, learning and experiencing first hand. Another ex. being: “so don't think that everything is going to be dealt with in one week, because your setting yourself up to fail.”

...this remains my faulty thinking, but I'm learning.

And, “dealing more proactively with your trauma's, looking into things yourself, applying logic and reason. … the best person to help anyone, is themselves, just need to know how and have the tools in which to do it, being education.”

...presently practicing more and more, with very much to learn and continously working toward acquiring these tools.

And, I so appreciate this recognition of need “…you need to allow your mind some space to recover, and constant exposure will not give you that space, ie. if your on this board every day constantly, you are getting no recovery time.”

...presently accepting, learning and relearning this.
**

Just so happens that what’s in quotes above, just happens to be Anthony’s words, but we all know any and all of us do and have a great deal to offer ourselves and one another through love and our experience. My personal long-term goal is to turn my chronic and miserable PTSD experience into strength and usefulness and to tap into and have increased the love within me that has far too long been suffocated by hundreds and hundreds of forms of fear. And, to strive in this direction, all for family, myself and others. That’s my goal and I can’t get there alone, and I doubt anyone of us can, and so for as long as this forum exists, I’ll need all of you and I too will be here for you, in whatever ways I can, as much as humanly possible. Sometimes more helpful than others, sometimes quicker than others, and sometimes barely at all, while just able to survive myself, but none-the-less here.

As, as long as this forum exists, I’m hoping to utilize it, actively live and apply what I learn here, as well as elsewhere, into my life, and give and receive.

Wow! Did I ever go off track from my original intention, that being:

• PTSD sufferer or not, everyone in life get’s buried under a sh’t load of work and accountability. This is a community voice/vent. Are you in need of expressing, just how swamped and with what, you may be in your life on any given day. I know I am. Just what struggles do you (we) face in your (our) daily life, threatening to overflow your cup, outside of PTSD but resulting in added daily stress?

......Ps. Note: Want so badly to judge myself on this post, as my 'judge' needs to be put in it's place and my self-esteem needs tremendous work, but haven’t a clue what to conclude, on this. Oh, well, I happen to like it, bc it expresses precisely how I’m thinking and feeling, and yet I also happen to be still quite afraid of my own thoughts and the fun others could have with this post and my embellishment of it all. Oh’ well, what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.

[goingonhope]

Having said all this, my first complaint is towards none other than myself. I am presently and unwisely, expecting to much from myself and pushing myself to hard and to fast. I need to and intend to follow the example of the turtoise in the story, “The hare and the turtoise.”

[YoungAndAngry]

My face hurts,
My back and neck hurt,
My nose has been disfigured,
Nerve damage to my face,
This are all permanent things..
and there's not a darn thing I can do about any of this.

[anthony]

I would have to say hope, that is one of the most well written general topics about a person I have seen in some time actually. Concise, to the point, honest, and I take it that you are learning, which is the idea. Your learning about yourself, your self analysing, which is the exact idea which you need to be capable in order to heal yourself, because no amount of therapy can solve your problems if you cannot accept them yourself in the first place. No amount of therapy can make you believe something, if you don't have all the education and the determination to want to believe the facts vs. the fiction. Impressed to say the least... a role model if you like for those who are engaging the healing process at present. Well done.

[goingonhope]

no amount of therapy can solve your problems if you cannot accept them yourself in the first place. No amount of therapy can make you believe something, if you don't have all the education and the determination to want to believe the facts vs. the fiction.
I have had to tolerate hearing, so much nonsense and bull crap' in my life, without killing myself or anyone else, that when I read something, like what's above here in quotes, see it as so very constructive and true, and it's offered to me, I can't begin to express my appreciation in words.

[goingonhope]

Y&A, I'm without words to help, and I know you didn't ask anyone of us for reply, just simply stating what's what.

...I'm listening to you young & angry though, and wish were here, many, many hugs to you.
sincerely, Hope

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you hope, sometimes the best thing a person can do is 'listen'
*hugs back at you*

[elvis]

young and angry. i am so sorry. are you able to get any compensation as a result of all of this? you don't have to answer, i just hope so.


i am experiencing such tunnel vision right now that it is acutlaly giving me a headache. i went grocery shopping and folded some laundry. is this really living??

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you Elvis... I really don't like making people feel bad, but thank you for your kind thoughts :)

I don't know if I can get compensation... honestly I don't even care... it's not like they can give me my old mind/face back. Ughhh... phew... that was close... I almost went on a rant (been doing that alot today, all over the forum)
I just need to get a good medical coverage plan so I can continue going to physical therapy, lol

[Scott_Fraser]

Hi Hope, how are you.
Well my story is, I was in this shop in my town, it was last August, it was a frozen food shop called Iceland. And I was feeling on edge that morning. I was in the que at the checkout and this woman in front of me was carrying a single loaf of bread. And she had the nerve to pay for it with a chip and pin card. The loaf cost just 88p, and I blew my top at her, I accused her of being so lazy that to use a chip and pin card for 88p was a bloody disgrace, and that she should be ashamed of herself. Behind me in the que were other people waiting, and they started cheering me. And saying quite right to, Its a damn disgrace that paying for a loaf with a card, they were saying.
The girl's face was scarlet with embarresment, and close to tears as she walked out the shop. I didn't give a damn, I was so angry that somebody could be so lazy as to do that.
I know that all you girls are gonna clobber me for this, but what the hell.
Cheers
Scott:hit-boss: :kickass: :cussing:

[veiled]

what is a chip and pin card? Like a debit card they use to take the funds out of your account? Or like writing check.

[YoungAndAngry]

I don't know what a chip and pin card is... but ...

The girl's face was scarlet with embarresment, and close to tears as she walked out the shopThe thought of having to go throught the embarresment you put that girl through... well it would be a nightmare for me... either of two things would have happened: (1) I would have clocked you in anger (2) or I would have run home and refused to come out.

Is this something that is 'swamping' or bothering you?? Because thats what I thought this thread was about... and the impression I get is this isn't something that is bothering very much.
Or am I reading it wrong? I know how easy it can be to misinterpret what someone says.

[mouse]

do I get to tell you the things that are really swamping me right now --Iyts the memories of being beaten so bad that I lost conciousness during a rape and what really upsets me is that I cant seem to find someone who acan handle talking acbout it so it piles up

[anthony]

I cant seem to find someone who can handle talking about it
Overgeneralizing mouse (negative thinking style)... because you never approached me, most likely never approached many here actually, if any, nor have you just posted it, because you don't need permission to post something here, bar its not about committing suicide, otherwise anything goes.

You don't need to ask mouse... so stop trying to take things upon yourself and just post what you think please, because that is the idea of the forum.

[piglet]

Chip and pin is basically where you credit and debit cards have a microchip in it. You put your card in a little gadget at the shop til and put in a 4 digit pin number. It's supposed to reduce fraud, as there is no signature to forge.

[anthony]

EFTPOS is what your saying... man, Australia runs on that one. No cheques used here, all electronic with PIN (personal identification number), oh, cash is obviously used. You cannot use pretty much any other form to buy anything in Australia, cash or eftpos (debit, visa, mastercard, etc).

[veiled]

Oh... If that is the case. I did that too when I and bought any thing. Just as fast as cash and you can have your card shut off if ever mugged, can't shut off your cash. Scott, lot of people do it for safety reasons, a wallet full of cash on a lady is a lot more tempting than a card, and always cameras that record areas cards are used here, not cash. I feel sorry for the woman, I would be sent back into my home for a good year or so.

[Scott_Fraser]

Hi Veiled, the woman probably had 88p in her purse, a lot of stores here in the UK have limits on what you can buy with chip & pin. A lot of stores have a minimum limit of £5.00 for using a chip & pin or credit card.

Scott

[veiled]

no, not upset about a thing... except for the offensive "g string" comment. Really, just explaining why some women do that. I used to be zero cash exchanges. I only went back to cash as part of getting my finances straight, hurts more when handing over the actual green backs so you spend less.

[becvan]

now Scott.. entertain this idea..

what if she is poor and all she had was that 88 on her card. or 1.00 (have no idea where that nifty symbol is on my board).. hmmm...

I'm sorry but.. that is .... okay no words .. put it this way.. I would probably have a rough time ever going there again. if not leaving my house.. I would probably have to be rushed to the hostpital for severe anxiety attack.. (now wouldn't that hold up the line up!).. and everyone would take a good look at you.. and you would be the embarrassed one..

unspeakable

bec

[Scott_Fraser]

If she was poor she shouldn't have a debit card in the first place, if you can't afford to pay back a debit card or credit card why have one in the first place.
I mean if she was poor having a debit card or credit card is just getting yourself into more debt. And anyway, I've seen this girl in Irvine, she drives about in a huge 4x4. So it was just laziness more than anything on this girls behalf. Sorry Veiled. Becs, calm down dear, you're getting yourself into a tizzie again.
Scott

[goingonhope]

:smoking:

Who cares whether she was just plain lazy or not? The world doesn’t revolve around us Scott. Who’s to say that the quality of what you set in motion and displayed is any finer of a quality than what you’re assuming is her pure laziness? Hell, if I were her, I know that I would not have allowed myself to express any vulnerability to your comments I would have quickly drawn up every bit of anger below the surface in me, seen that as an opportunity to release some, and return injury for injury with some intuitive, quick thinking humiliating words. Though sometimes shy, I automat. change when someone’s messing with me and have themselves, there own little audience. Sounds to me like her face wasn’t scarlet with embarrassment, it was scarlet from humiliation.

Why in the world are you remembering this anyways? Do you have some complex guilt or a resentment, 6 mo. later. Read the, Diamonds in the Rough thread, pg. 9, there‘s a fine quote called, “It is the weak who are cruel.” And, I won’t deny that I too am weak at times. But, don’t expect some of us here to congratulate you, for humiliating this woman. Or even, to discuss it any further. We all make mistakes, and it’s alright, it’s far easier to own them for what they’re rather than brag about them for what they are not.

…Pumped up and please, know Scott, it’s me in a tizzie with my g-string in a twist, no one else. And, it feels rather good. lol

Bec what you wrote reminds me of something insightful, I read and understood yrs. ago about paradigm shifts. And veiled please won’t you edit this post if I’ve remarked in any inappropriate way. Just a little triggered and t’d off and I’m leaving it here, right now.

[YoungAndAngry]

Or even, to discuss it any further
Good point hope, this was a great thread topic... to me it sounded like a 'venting' area... which I know we all need
My hands been itching to just delete the last couple of posts... try to get this thread back on topic.
But... I'm not a big fan of "erasing the past" (even if they are posts)
So, even though some members (myself included) have been thrown off and upset by some comments... lets bite our tongues and try to continue what goingonhope started!!

Today:
- Errands that need to be done are hanging over my head... ughhhhh
- My cable box keeps skipping and cutting out the sound during an intense part of a show... LOL I have to guess at what the actors are saying
- Bill collectors keep calling... I'm so tired of explaining myself to them, it's embarressing.

[veiled]

I am overly stressed that anytime I open my journal a 3 year old takes it and runs off to fetch her crayons. It is driving me nuts as when hubs gets home he will either pop a pizza in the oven or cook something simple (haapy he does not bitching about that part). But I feel like I have to pull teethe to get him to take on the baby just to breathe much less reflect and work on my issues. Sure I could take it away she throws a fit but then who can do this with a screaming crying 3 yo? I have so much sitting on my mind. When I type here a single post can take me 1/2 hour as I come and go from it tending to her. I need a baby break.

[Nam]

Veiled, my memory log is now full of color from my four year old showing her creative talents. I totally understand your frustration. It's somehow surreal to see all of my hurts decorated with lively crayola crayons.

I am stressed about my two year old peeing all over the place. She has been potty trained for a good six months if not more, but now she knows that the baby is coming and somehow is regressing.

I am deceiving my family and my midwife by not telling them my plans for the birth. I need only support of my birth choice as of right now and knowing from my past history, my parents are not very good about that: support that is. Somehow, I feel like I'm "gonna get in trouble". I know this is the right choice for me, but I also know that about 95% of the people I know think I'm crazy at best, and irresponsible baby killer as the worst.

[piglet]

Hey Nam, it's your body and your baby - people should honour whatever way you choose to deliver. Not to mention the fact that the baby will pretty much decide for you anyway!

[veiled]

Nam just print the basic stats out. Let them argue with documented proof. I know how you feel I went through all that BS when I had the youngest at home. And Oh lord the regressed potty training, I could go all day about that. Her too since the move. It is a constant fight to stay on top of her to make sure she uses the potty. And forget it if I put a diaper on her to prevent accidents, then it is just "permission" to not use the bathroom! ARGH... I get the annoyance with little accidents all over the house. It is harder this time than the original go!

[anthony]

Stats are pretty high for hospital births that a caesar will occur. Private hospitals often higher than public. Home birth is a completely safe option, and lets be honest here, midwives are the one's who deliver babies more often than not. If a doctor is present, they turnup at the last moment to catch the baby, if they arrive at all. Home birth is completely safe. People just struggle to wrap their mind around it, as I did actually, but being through it, its actually better than the hospital environments by far.

Now... Scott, I have removed the derogatory remark you made; why? Because it was directed towards a member, not a statement in general.

[Scott_Fraser]

Now... Scott, I have removed the derogatory remark you made; why? Because it was directed towards a member, not a statement in general.

Hi Anthony, very sorry if I insulted Veiled, it won't happen again.
Scott

[Nam]

Thanks guys for the support. I appreciate it. I'm sure the climate here will be more hostile about it. I've got time to mull this over (and over, and over....) The reason for my first C/section was from the hospital itself. I'm almost positive an infection would not have occurred at home. And because of that C-section, I'm labeled as high risk, when in fact it's a high litigation risk for the doctor. Well, hopefully, I won't have to put him through the extra stress...since I won't be a patient.

[goingonhope]

Nam, Wishing you and the baby the best.
**

Today's horrendous! It makes me feel angry beyond belief that an abuser and guy that's been dead for now 15 yrs. still at times has the power to sicken, cripple me emot. and make me feel so miserable I don't know what to do with myself, and or with those I love.

Hurt, frustrated, bewildered and angry today and can't figure out and truly remember for the life of me that on any given day I might just be stricken ill, and unable to function. I hate this PTSD thing so f'n badly. ......I hate it! ......I hate it! ......I hate it! It just hurts too much and lasts too, too long.
grrrrrr................ouch!

[veiled]

OK I am SOOOO not beating myself up for my meds today!!!! My dauhter I called is a young teen. I call to see how she is thinking I can handle her stupid shit today as well on my full dose. Wrong! Well, mom I just got done coloring my hair purple, green, and gold... Any one recognize those colors??? Mardis Gras!!! Galveston, has always done this like New Orleans. Not as huge as a hoopla but still pretty huge and just as crazy. Apparently they are already in Galveston with a friends aunt. I swear if I could have yanked her skinny ass through the phone I would have! So this is where she is going to get her example of women as a whole? Years of trying to teach her to be a respectful young lady is heading out the window at lighting speeds being with her dad... Who of course said sure go... FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND! A teen at Mardi Gras for the weekend. She swears it is the kids version (she would never go for kids version I know her). No such thing, yes they try to have family oriented days but nightlife is so different. And still you have a ton of drunk fools. My ex before the move was GCSD and he said it was a nightmare when he had to go work the extra patrol. I had a friend when I was a kid get stabbed by a bottle when he went. Who in their right mind lets a kid do Mardis Gras??? For those who do not kow what it is run a search for Mardi Gras Pics! I am pissed I am beyond pissed. I am shaking all over!!!! I swear to God my her father could not even shit half a brain if he tried. His only daughter. So he can have a free weekend. What? Andrea Yates not available for baby sitting? (Local next to where my daughter lives that drowned her 5 kids for those not in the US) I swear every damn time I call she tops her self. I feel like the side of my head is about to blow out.

Just pray she keeps her flipping shirt on and not drunk or end up in a bad place because of her dad's total lack of supervision. Fine he wants her to go. Fine then go with her and hold the little wild child's hand!!!! STUPID FCKER! But she has been busted sneaking out and drinking before so no trust in her to stay put when the night falls and every frigging perv from all of the SE Texas descends on this yearly blow out. I want to call that asshole but I can't. I HATE HIM!

[cookie]

oh veiled, praying for her to be safe. and for you to be calm. i am a "mommy worrier" myself, lol.
cathy

[goingonhope]

ya' veiled me too....like cookie. Prayer! I'll ask my daughter for real, to say a prayer for your daughter, a young teen, who though my daughter doesn't know, needs prayers for safety. I'll tell her I'm acquainted with her mother and she loves her daughter and is afraid for her.

Because that is a more than difficult situation and you have every right to be angry as all hell. And, the fear perfectly understandable. OMG

I'll ask my 7 yr. old to say this prayer, bc she loves to pray. She says her supper prayer, 4x, every morning she say's a hello God and good morning prayer and she is presently teaching me a beautiful prayer evenings. Though I have distrust issues galore', I still happen to still completely believe that God hears and responds to the faithful sincerity of children's prayers. It's just a personal belief, not to be imposed upon or argued by anyone.

Sorry veiled for the enorm. stress your under.

[veiled]

Thank you both so much, very appreciated! I have not been able to stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time today so I think it has drained me.

[goingonhope]

What has me swamped.......up until today, little to nothing, otherwise I would have briefly expressed it and gotten it out',........so again what has me swamped? i have me swamped, struggling with self, and with both physical turmoil and cigg. craving / obsession and addiction. There are many who can still smoke, if so.......I recommend you keep smoking them as long as you can.........I on the other cannot continue with this addiction, it's too far progressed......and I'm not speaking of the amount or quantity of smokes consumed, rather I'm speaking of the effects it's having all across the board...........feel very uncomfortable tonight in my own skin and unhappy with myself.

...taking a break'

[beatle_bailey]

did some one give you a smoke ,, even tho they knew you were trying to quit ,,, why you otta kick there butt ,, ,, kepp trying to quit ,, ,, ,, I'm trying to do the same ,, ,, ,,Beatle

[goingonhope]

Physically feel awful. Mentally can't think for beans tonight. Got some awful news today. A letter came back from the insurance Co. of the blasting Co. that blasted beside our house last Dec. The letter reads that the blasting couldn't possibly have damaged our house. Now $10,000.+ dollars damage later, it's our loss. It's all complete BS, and I am afraid to talk, feel, comment on anything surrounding this, bc I'm trying once again to keep the cigg's down, and even thinking of this subject makes me feel real angry, and more anxious and irritable. I have nicotine in my body from the losenge and gum and yet, I still feel like I'm losing my f'n mind.

This is so scary for me. I've told myself I'm going to suffer it out no matter what, but now I'm really scared that I won't be able to, bc apparently I've been relying so heavily upon cigg's to treat and minimize PTSD symptoms over many yrs. Now I can't turn back to the alcohol, I can't turn back to the food, I'm scared sh'tless of the mental health system, I've spent all the money in the last few yrs. that I possible can spend for relief........there's nothing left, and I just can't think without that drug, keep up any pretense, and fear I won't be able to continue to heal as I have been.

Desperately need drugs :drugs: . Have been reading about pot, and wish there was bags of it lying around the house tonight. Even though I hated that sh't, as I must have always smoked the stuff that was laced or something, bc I always felt like I was tripping on it, always felt completely alone watching a surround sound film, and everyone else was real. Have never been much into drugs, but certainly loved alcohol at one time in my life, unfortunately that fond memory goes back about twenty + yrs. And, the binge drinking I did in my twenties, I didn't enjoy any of that.

Just feeling and knowing I've got mush for brains tonight. Yuck!

[Lisa]

Goingonhope... I'm sorry about the bad news :( It's crap.

The pot thing is experiences I had a lot when I was on it daily. Once someone spoke to me and because my eyes were shut I thought they couldn't see me, and I wasn't really there so I just ignored them. Felt very similar to when I space out.

What's swamping my day? Bad news too. A letter from the complaints department for the British Psychological Society telling me for the third time the the response by the psych concerned has been delayed. Reckons he's still getting legal advice, after 4 weeks (my ar*e!). He's being investigated for negligence by failing to report abuse 5 and a half years ago when he told me he had (I know he didn't, there is proof). So, another week of hell, and expecting the worst badmouthing from him when I eventually do get it. My uni. are pushing me to suspend my studies and re-do the year next year too. Bad day all round. Not coping well, feel like I'm about to freak out big time.

I hate today.

[goingonhope]

Do wish things came easier, or that life was easier. If I had my way, there would be no TV, no electronics, (except for a secret private comp. of my own), there would be little to no furniture, belong., clutter of any kind, no mail solicitations ect., no knowledge of any phone # for anyone to call.......

......Our family could live, with just enough food, with love and interest in each other, and maybe some educ. material, and nothing else other than the very basics.

It would be easier to clean, far easier to live, priorities and values would shift and become evident, and life would be not so darn' overwhelming.

FEELING OVERWHELMED RIGHT NOW ! ...yesterday was surprisingly mostly a breeze, much joy, some pain, so forth, but few worrisome PTSD symptoms.

Today, I woke with Anxiety, and experienced and could see my panic escalating. Can feel it in my chest, in my shakes, in my jumpiness, in the anger just below my surface and in fear and knowledge, that I could snap easily today. I contribute all this to recent triggers in the news, movies, people ect.

Did do a chunk of sharing the other day, but it didn't really hit the following day, and this surprised me much. Yesterday, I felt so positive, and for a period felt so much like a success.

Today I'm going to want to hold onto that positive attitude despite my symptoms, despite the work load in front of me, despite myself and how my mind is trained to continuously fall into faulty thinking traps and rip myself off. Will be searching today for ways, to just simply be good to myself, and those around me, to ease the stress, to pitch in, encourage and help keep down my husb.'s stress, too, the best I can.

And, none of this comes easy for the time being, nor do I suspect I'm alone in just plain feeling alone, in my work and responsib., right now and very much overwhelmed. ......And, now a little less so, now that I shared this and vented some.

[BassistKara]

Okay i really need to vent about this coz nobody else seems to listen....
For the past few weeks things have been rather good mentally for me, ive had hardly any emotional blow ups, flashbacks, nightmares or anxiety attacks....Ive been a little sick physically for about the past year and half with most doc's just saying its simply anxiety, finally a few weeks back my new doc did some bloodtests to check if its not anything else, and it turns out i have high white blood cells, so she referred me to a Haemotologist whom i saw yesterday and i get told that it could possibly be Leukaemia or Hodgkins Lymphoma! Talk about scary, i collapsed in the waiting room after my consultation and could not stop crying(this is all before i told my mum who was with me what id just found out). And now i gotta go have some special bloodtests tomorrow, and a CT scan on Friday, then wait 4 weeks for the results! I seriously dont know what to do, it just seems theres one bad thing after another, and people wonder why im so damn pessimistic! Argh!!!!!!

[map9]

I'm tired and emotionally drained. One person died Friday from cancer and was a neighbor, the other man died of a heart attack was a coworker from the company my husband and I worked for and retired from. Both died really within hours of one another. The funerals were today. My anxiety was literally palpable. I forced myself to get dressed and go and now that it's all over with I'm very glad I did. Yes, it was very sad but one thing I noticed is that people focused on the funny stories and humourous aspects of the persons life. I really like that. We need to laugh even in death. We grieve for them and will miss them and how much our friendships meant. But in the end we will be gone one day too so I'm going to make a point to laugh more and to laugh at myself more.

When I got into the car, I turned on the radio and a song came on that was so "on target" and it was an old rock 'n' roll song from the sixties (The Lovin Spoonful) and it reminded me of so many things. I then broke down, I cried and cried and then I laughed at myself for crying. It was like a release valve. Letting off steam of the day, being very formal and somber and the whole scene of families weeping and children bewildered. At some time or another I've been each one of them. We are one another, we bear one anothers pains. We reflect this in our living and in our dying.

I took a chance, drove to my husband's work and said I needed him to spend the day with me. We hopped into the car, went out for lunch, went to a movie and then got ice cream for a treat afterward. It's spring here and the flowers are really blooming and new green is on the trees and ground and it was a gorgeous display and sunny day. We lived for the moment and I made that effort instead of going home and crawling into a bed to retreat from death. It was another step in a good direction even though I'm still so sad for my friend's families.

Love, map9

It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
I think I'll go outside a while,
An jus' smile.
Just take in some clean fresh air, boy!
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine an' you got the time.
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day.
Either way,
It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
Each bird keeps singin' his own song.
So long!
I've got to be on my way, now.
Ain't no fun just hangin' around,
I've got to cover ground, you couldn't keep me down.
It just ain't no good if the sun shines
When you're still inside,
Shouldn't hide, still inside, shouldn't hide,
Ahhhh..Oh! (shouldn't hide) Ah, ah, Oh.....
--------------
(Do, do, Waaa) (Do, do, Waaa)
------------
There will be children with robins and flowers;
Sunshine caresses each new waking hour.
Seems to me that the people keep seeing
More and more each day, gotta say, lead the way,
It's okay, wednesday, thursday, it's okay,
(Ahhh) monday, wednesday, friday, weekday, Ah, Ah, Ohhh.
---------

[goingonhope]

Today has felt like nothing short of an experience in hell. And, it's been all the harder to accept this bc it's the day before Easter.

Have been a nervous wreck all day. In all the noise, confusion, bickering between kids, bc one had a playdate and the other didn't. With the demand and expectation placed upon me that "We Absolutely MUST" cut, change and re-wire new cables on another wall and then move our shrunk with all its contents, incl. the tv and all that dust, to the other wall, .........and we MUST do it today, bc of the BS lame excuse was: if we don't it will never get done.

Again with all this, I truly thought I might die right there and then amidst all this work, which by the way felt like slavery. My PTSD cup had overflown prior to all this work, what with all the negative thinking and behaviors all around me.....and I just couldn't get away. I was being pushed over my edge time and again, and even though I was in a state of :naughty: anxiety, tears, and panic :naughty: it was thought to be nothing but "inappropriate" and a "burden" and "my fault", for the longest of time.

Quite honestly I think I could be on my dying bed and still be expected to do something more.

Why the hell did we have to do any of this today. :boxem: Maybe, I'm a bit nuts, but as far as I'm concerned the day before Easter and given all the many, varied circumstances and needs today, today simply was not the day for this. I am hurt and angry...:naughty: ....OMG....it felt like punishment or cruelty, as I am not exaggerating when talking about the emotional wrecked condition I was in by 11am this morning, and still expected to take on an enormous project, and that was just what was expected throughout the kids commotion and prior to the rest of this day's respons. and expect. are to be met.

:cussing: ...a gnashing of teeth sort of day !

...maybe tommorrow will be better...

There done.....

[map9]

Well, I'll start with last Thursday. My husband goes into work. This business is owned by my son and we helped him to get it started, up and running four years ago out of a spare bedroom in his house. I love my son but he is not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. It was left up to good old mom and dad to foot last minute bills, fend off the salesmen and keep the place clean and stacks of paper work in order. All the while my son was/is sleeping til noon and would mosey in about 2 pm and leave before dark. Basically, the entire business would have never gotten off the ground if my husband and I had not stepped in dozens of times to fix his screw ups. Now, after all the hard work and sleepness nights and sacrifice it's grown to several offices in three locations and a dozen employees. On Thursday my son calls everyone into the main office. Either sign this document or your fired. My husband refused to sign and cited the law to my son that what he was doing was illegal. My son's wife basically went ballistic. Cursed him out and told him he was fired. She does not have that authority and he told her so. She has not been married to my son but a few months, has a history of drug use and abuse and has lost custody of her child because of it, she is unfortunately a gold digger and is pilfering away the profits. My husband pointed out the discrepancies and lies that he was being told. A big row started and he said he would solve the problem by quitting. I am so shocked and then that turned to frustration and that turned into anger and that turned to hurt.

Then on Friday a friend of mine lost her 39 year old son to a massive stroke. Then the next day my husband's friend and boyhood pal was in the attic working on his heating and air conditioner unit, a beam broke and he fell through the ceiling twelve feet down to a concrete floor breaking his back in three places. Then my daughter called and told me she was nearly two months behind on her health insurance and could I please pay it for her. By the way, my husband and I don't even have insurance because we could no longer afford the escalating monthly premiums.

I was about to snap over the Easter week end. I was fretful, worried, sick at heart and sometimes just plain mad. I snapped at my husband and was not fit to be around. This is not me. My nerves were shot. Then my cousin called and said a tether wire to her 30 foot tower broke and it smashed through her skylight and roof. It cut her off from her internet service and it's basically her lifeline to everyone and her hobby of genealogy.

Then another friend called and said she had blocked arteries and would have to have an operation.

By this time I'm fit to be tied or just tied up in knots. All I can do is pray and put all this in the hands of a much higher power. My heart is breaking over the loss of my cat and then this series of awful events in the little circle of friends and family that I cherish and love. It's like "What else can happen?" but I don't even want to think about that and tempt fate.

So, it's not been a very good Easter and on top of everthing else it was 27 degrees and we live in the deep south where the last time it was that cold on Easter Sunday was 1851.

Sign me frozen in angst. Love, map9

[becvan]

Holy crap. Now I'm used to getting swamped with crap all at once, and all I can say is HOLY CRAP.

I think you need to shut off you phone so people will stop calling you with bad news. Go and hide for awhile.

I'm really sorry to hear about your son, the gold digging wife, your husband, the hurt and the finances.

I can't offer more than that. Hang in there (and go and hide for a bit!)

*hugs*

bec

[map9]

Hi Bec, Thanks so much for the reply, I REALLY appreciate it. I kind of felt overwhelmed. There are times when I actually feel like I'm going to zone out. Putting it into perspective for me helps me to realize that it's very normal for anyone to be in an emotional crisis during all these simultaneous events. For someone like me it's rather like granny's elastic in her underwear ... it has lost it's ability to snap back after being streched to the max. I'm taking my time, haven't been out much except to go get groceries and rent some videos. Hey, at least I haven't lost my weird sense of humor. LOL. Love and Hugs, map9

PS By the way, can you (or anyone on the forum) explain what that is or that might shed some light on this for me. The "zoning out" bit. For example I'll be doing something, say writing a note for me to pick up laundry detergent. I'll pick up the pen, start part of the word and BLANK nothing happens, then many minutes later (or hours) I "wake up" and continue on. Is this what is called a fugue state? I don't know if I spelled that correctly or not.

[HereIam]

I am beating myself up because I feel like I have been having a really bad mommy week. It started over the weekend with extreme anxiety that lasted into Wednesday after starting my new beta-blocker medicine. Now it is just down to moderate anxiety. But the anxiety killed my immune system, as always, and now I have a nasty head cold. With all this going on I feel like I am being the worst mommy to my four children. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday they spent half the day with a friend of mine - mainly so I could go to appointments to get my new meds. When I have been with them I don't have the energy to be with them and can't stand for them to actually touch me. I'm grouchy and feel like I am walking around with my temper at the end of a very tight rope. It is just killing me right now to be like this and I am expanding energy feeling sorry for myself with regard to being a mommy, that could be better used and refocused on getting better.

Peace

[becvan]

PS By the way, can you (or anyone on the forum) explain what that is or that might shed some light on this for me. The "zoning out" bit. For example I'll be doing something, say writing a note for me to pick up laundry detergent. I'll pick up the pen, start part of the word and BLANK nothing happens, then many minutes later (or hours) I "wake up" and continue on. Is this what is called a fugue state? I don't know if I spelled that correctly or not.

Map, that is a form of dissassociaton. I do it all the time! I will forget where I am and what I'm doing or how long I've been there. It can be very unerving to find you've lost hours to blankness! I've learned when it's going to hit (usually when I've been doing too much) and will go play video games for a few hours to zone out on. I zone on and off all day long, but they are more like 10 to 15 minutes at a time. Try to find something that you can do mindlessly and go do it when you think your going to zone out! It helps and you learn to recognize it.

Here's this to read: http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1214.html
I know there is more on it here, just not awake enough to find it! This is completely normal for us ptsd'ers!

Here is what a fugue state is:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


For the New York City-based publisher, see Fugue State Press.

In the field of psychology, a fugue state is usually defined by the term dissociative fugue. It is etiologically related to dissociative amnesia (which in popular culture is usually simply called amnesia, the state where someone completely forgets who they are).

A fugue state is therefore similar in nature to the concept of dissociative identity disorder (DID) (formerly called multiple-personality disorder) although DID is widely understood to have its conception in a long-term life event (such as a traumatic childhood), where sufficient time is given for alternate personality representations to form and take hold. Sudden neurological damage would thus seem to fit more closely the onset of a fugue state.

As the person experiencing a fugue state may have recently suffered an amnesic onset - perhaps a head trauma, or the reappearance of an event or person representing an earlier life trauma - the emergence of a "new" personality seems to be for some, a logical apprehension of the situation.

Therefore, the terminology fugue state may carry a slight linguistic distinction from dissociative fugue, the former implying a greater degree of motion. For the purposes of this article then, a fugue state would occur while one is acting out a dissociative fugue.

The DSM-IV defines Dissociative Fugue as:

* sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, with inability to recall one's past,
* confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
* significant distress or impairment.

The Merck Manual [1] defines Dissociative Fugue as:

One or more episodes of amnesia in which the inability to recall some or all of one's past and either the loss of one's identity or the formation of a new identity occur with sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home.


So nope! Not a fugue state! LOL

bec

[map9]

I too did a search after I left the forum and found some really interesting articles. I agree, it's disassociation for sure. Another symptom I didn't mention because I was ashamed of it, was like I was vibrating. It's like shaking but at a much higher frequency. Basically this all harkens back to suppression, having to continue on regardless of trauma and appear as if all is well. If I knew when it was going to come on I would sit down. Sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it though. Only my daughter or my mother (God rest her soul) recognized when I was drifting away or was just "not there" as my daughter would say. In an article I read it was like a coping mechanism gone wrong. Many thanks for your tips bec I appreciate it. Love, map9

[Monarch]

Ok well today and yesterday was nuts, we are all sick in the house except the husband, My son has strep throat, I have it and so does my 2 year old daughter. So we are all sick which means, no work, no school, no daycare. It also means that I don't have the energy to clean or cook, leaving that up to my husband so the house is dirty and we are starving (ok that was a little sarcastic) but true. Damn, it is hard to believe that my life is working and trying to fix problem's all day, I mean a huge part of my work as a project manager is problem solving, which is hilarious considering I have been running away from my personal problems for years!

[Jet]

I also vibrate. Until now I have never come across anyone else who does it also. It drives me nuts.

[map9]

Dear Jet, The only way I can liken it to anything anybody can understand is like if you have ever heard of a sound coming from a high voltage wire or sound equipment for a band. I'm trying to find an analogy here that would fit. But, regardless, it's a definite vibrating. I don't have it all the time (or I really would go :crazy-eye bonkers) mainly it's just when I'm trying to cope in highly stressful situations or the days afterward. It's weird, I know. Aggravating too. Love, map9

[map9]

This might be difficult the first few times when in a situation where our bodies are vibrating and letting us know all too well that all is not well. Say to yourself this information below. Pausing for moment to let it seep into our mind. Because we have been traumatized we have ways of dealing with stress that may not always be good for us. The way explained below is gentle and helps the person suffering at that moment to see they have the power to change a situation.

As noted in my other posts I'm still dealing with with complex PTSD. Being aware of it helps us overcome it. Lots of patience for ourselves and allowing ourselves the mercy we deserve leads to eradicating the hold of being a victim has on us, that is replaced with wisdom of compassion and patience for not only ourselves but others.

You can change the words to fit your issues, say for instance you were in a car wreck and being in high speed traffic might bring on this vibrating feeling, replace the words of abandonment, separation and betrayal with injury, pain and loss. Whatever may work for you. Many kind regards to you in your wellness journey. Love, map9




"My issues are clear to me. I have issues of trust, abandonment, separation, betrayal, and power and control. When I find myself in these situations, I immediately stop, step back, and observe what I am subconsciously creating. I then no longer feel like a victim. I realize I am a creator with many choices about how I will energetically react to each situation I create.

In most cases my choice is not to give energy to the situations created by my issues. I witness them instead and watch to see what will unfold. I find it is easier to understand my situation where I can be a witness and observer. I can observe my life objectively and see more clearly overall."

[Rob T.]

My face hurts,
My back and neck hurt,
My nose has been disfigured,
Nerve damage to my face,
This are all permanent things..
and there's not a darn thing I can do about any of this.

oh Gosh. I feel messed up about other things that happened in the news today. It may be innappropriate for me to say this, but I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, YoungAndAngy. Really I am.

Good Day, Rob

[Rob T.]

What I mean is, I'm sorry that this happened to you, Really I feel sorry about that.

Have a Good Day,

Rob

[Rob T.]

****Triggers****


To begin with, I probably have to dump my latest therapist, this therapist just doesn't seem to connect with me. Changing Therapists always makes me feel down.
This post probably won't make much sense. I saw a news item that left me wide eyed and stunned today. Oh jeez.
I was probably slow to get this news bulletin. c'est la vie.
Recently, a U.S. college student stood by a crowded sports stadium. he had a bomb- which exploded and killed him. I'm really at a loss of how to work out that news. Sort of makes you want to just drop your car keys on the ground- and just stand there and stare at them for the next five days.

What happenedwith him? Didnt he get the news I got as a kid? playing with a small caliber bullet can blow 3 of my fingers off. wasn't he ever told don't play with bullets, or gunpowder or other exposives? His reasons for having a bomb or having near a large building are gone, so his motives are also a mystery.

Was he unhappy? was he trying to hurt himself or someone else? I once saw an airshow on tv. one of the acts was about 4 military helicopters dropping firework-like bombs that made explosions about 4 feet high. It was one of the most scary things I've ever seen. Was he trying to hurt a crowd? Was he after fame or wanted to beat up a lot of people? Please everyone, find non-violent and non-destructive ways of dealing with: anger, sadness or other types of unhappiness. That's probably jerky of me to say I know. I just dont know what else to say. I really don't know. How did that situation go wrong? how did he get the weapon? why didn't he get the message that civilians are never to go near bombs or bomb parts? Why do I feel that there had to be a way to get to him to help him before things went wrong for him? Man. I don't know. I really don't know.

Please hug a friend or someone you love guys,

Have a Good Day, Hugs from me,

Rob

[piglet]

Continuing with the changing therapists theme.

Last week, I turned up for my appointment, expecting some feedback after having finally gone through the diagnostic CAPS thing I have avoided for so long. I got the feedback - I am in the better end of the "severe" section, so hooray for me....

Anyway, we chatted about that, and my feelings about it - something along the lines of "holy f###, what sort of state was I in when I first started therapy?! I feel I have come a long way since then, yet I am still classified as "severe". ???

Then came the shocker. My therapist is pregnant. Her contract is up for renewal and she and the practice have decided not to renew. My therapist wanted to schedule an "ending" session for the next week, as her contract only lasts another 10 days, but we could not find a time that worked for the both of us. She was very apologetic and I felt that she was genuinely upset and concerned for how I would deal with the news.

It did upset me, as I had finally been feeling confident enough with her to start dealing with some shitty stuff. It took me a year to get to that point. Now I have to start over with a new therapist.

I had my first session with the new therapist yesterday. Bloody hell! I think she and Anthony would get on really well, as she is a no shit, grab the bull by the horns therapist. At the same time, she was still careful not to push too hard - just hard enough to get things moving. I felt exhausted after the session and I've been feeling sick and panicky and completely swamped at times today. However, I think that is a good sign.

At the end of it, while it sucks to change therapists, I think this may be a positive for me. I guess I am lucky.

[kers]

Not very much notice on the therapist change, Piglet, and that stinks. But I think you're right, maybe this will be positive--the time and effort you have invested should make it easier to get to the real meat of it with your new therapist.

Still, I can't imagine how wrenching it is to have to switch.

[pandora]

i agree, switching is very hard. i had to do it last year when my first therapist (the one I finally opened up to went on maternity) I t was heartwrenching, but I did survive and the new one has helped me out in numerous ways. Take a little bit from both of them, I guess.It has helped me but was still very difficult.

[goingonhope]

Not really a gripe or a complaint, I just can't believe how much work in life there is and all that must get done.

I'm proud of myself today, I did so much necessary hardwork and labor, that I'm just thrilled, but I've got to give up and retire for this evening, though I don't want to and would just as soon accomplish more. I love hard physical work, it's how I relax !
(lol) :rofl: ..:rofl: ..:rofl:

My kids are out of school soon for the summer. Very little time left with much to do.

And, I do need someone's and/or people's sincerest prayers, if only for my two beautiful children, that I'll be able to slow down and relax and enjoy the summer with them, they're looking forward to seeing me more and doing so much.

Slowing down, Pacing, responding to the unexpected and constant high energy and noise levels and having to make many, many transitions throughout any given day, is not always my strong suit. Taking good, good care of myself, so that I can take good, good care of my children, is not always easy. So, I truly need many prayers. But, I have done extremely well, rising to the occassion before, and can only hope this summer I'll do likewise.

Hope