Lee's Mental Imagery

[Lee]

WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road? Reddy/orange
Q2. What texture is the road? Smooth
Q3. How solid is the road? very

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? walk/swim
Q5. What does the water look like? slowly running, quite peaceful
Q6. How fast is the water current? fairly slow...a bubbling brook
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? sticks and leaves

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? brown
Q9. What condition is the house in? Old and a bit run down
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? No, it is abandoned

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? Gold or brass
Q12. What condition is the cup in? old
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? no just dust

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? A huge concrete wall
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? Can't...it's too high.

// End The Road Interview "copy between the tags" //

[Lee]

Start Self Analysis "copy between the tags" //

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

// End Self Analysis "copy between the tags" //

Well the road was a long and lonely one which I used to drive between Wagga Wagga and home after I first joined the Army. It would take me 10 hours or more to drive and I was only 19 then. I guess I did a lot of thinking on that road. And back then things were smooth and firm and new. Next I think we came to the river. Maybe this signifies the next stage in my life, my early marriage etc. This was pretty calm and peaceful and fun and any obstacles that W and I had seemed easy to cross. I don't know about the paddock. The cup was an old one like the holy grail. Does this signify starting to feel old and worn out? The house was old and abandoned and that is how I feel now I think after dealing with relationship problems, my own issues the childhood and Wayne's PTSD. Then we walked on and came to an obstacle, which to me was a huge, tall concrete wall that was insurmountable and that I couldn't see over. Maybe this is where I am at now. I don't kow if this obstacle of the problems in our marriage can be fixed and although I know I will be alright I just can't see past breaking up as it all seemes so horrible. Wow....pretty heavy all that !!

[Lee]

Incidently, my mothers maiden name was Roehrich.

[anthony]

You feel highly emotional about life at present, even a desire to return to a happier time. You feel life is easy and pleasant right now, and that you're progressing without much difficulty. Your trusting and enjoy intimacy, and pleasure taking your time, though you feel a victim within sexual intimacy, though a part of you is missing. You feel depreciated surrounding your support systems, and feel they are worse than they should be, though you are surviving. You demonstrate a poor self esteem, though highly value commitment, even though you feel depreciated from commitment itself, as though you feel used by someone over time. Your biggest issue is that you keep your feelings tucked tightly inside, and cannot see any future past your current problems.

[Lee]

You feel highly emotional about life at present, even a desire to return to a happier time.

This was spot on.

You feel life is easy and pleasant right now, and that you're progressing without much difficulty.

Not correct at all. Although I try to pretend that this is the case, I am in mental turmoil and things are very difficult.

Your trusting and enjoy intimacy, and pleasure taking your time, though you feel a victim within sexual intimacy, though a part of you is missing.

True again, I always feel like I am the one giving in intimacy, and don't entirely feel comfortbale with it. I used it in my younger days to have power over men in order for them to show me the affection and devotion that I did not get at home. I really did enjoy it once though, now that the trust has gone from my marriage it's like another chore, to make him happy.

You feel depreciated surrounding your support systems, and feel they are worse than they should be, though you are surviving.

The only support systems I now have are a few godd friends who are all interstate. I have some good friends here but none who is as close as my interstate friends. I have no family support on my own side. W's family has been my biggest support for 20 years and now that is gone too, they must side with him.

You demonstrate a poor self esteem, though highly value commitment, even though you feel depreciated from commitment itself, as though you feel used by someone over time.

I feel very used by someone...someone's actaully. Growing up I was the model child, well behaved, A grade student. But nothing was enough for my mother. My father, who was a kind of support when I lived at home (left at 18) basically abandoned me after that. I feel very used by W as I have been the perfect wife for almost 17 years, looked after everything while he pursued his Army dreams, stayed physically attractive, kept the house well, raised 3 great kids, worked full-time. I don't know about the self-esteem, I thought I had good self esteem. Or maybe someone with good self esteem would have said goodbye before now....maybe I have put up with so much as deep down I do have poor self esteem.

Your biggest issue is that you keep your feelings tucked tightly inside, and cannot see any future past your current problems.

Not entirely true. And I can see past my current problems I just know that it will be a long hard road to do the separation thing, or a longer/harder road to go back through the getting him to admit it is ptsd, getting him on meds thing again. It is overwhelming.


I hope you have some analysis for this one. XX

[Lee]

Anthony, I don't know hoe but I put my replies under your notes in the quote.

[anthony]

Lee, that is fine. I actually left " You feel life is easy and pleasant right now, and that you're progressing without much difficulty" in there to see what your reply would be. I wanted to see how much denial your in, if any, and your pretty straight with what you feel... sorry, its a curve ball... I wouldn't have normally included it. I have once or twice to test reactions...

Lee, let me tell you about the concrete wall. The size and type of material a wall is made off determines exactly just how much a person keeps inside, for example: someone might say a timber plank wall with missing planks, which would be interpreted the same, yet with the addition they are starting to see progress by opening up and letting their feelings out (being the missing planks). Yours... concrete, huge wall, can't see around it, nor over it... concrete is strong, tough, hard to break through... this represents you and keeping your TRUE feelings inside, not all feelings, but the stuff that is really hurting you. Likely due to the lack of support you feel, your past hurt in commitment / current pain even.

Now, let me ask you these to dig deeper:

Before your wall, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it in detail?
What is the season surrounding your new obstacle (above)?
What is the weather surrounding your new obstacle?
Describe for me the surrounds, in detail, from the road outwards, ie. you have walked along your road, you hit the concrete wall, you have come back where your going to give your next obstacle, so what is the surrounds like, landscape, textures, grass, bushes, trees, as much detail as possible.

[Lee]

Hi Anthony. I think you're spot on with the concrete walls meaning that I keep true feelings inside. When I go through a trauma, at first I am totally shattered. This last time I ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack, which was just a panic attack, but I was so distraught that I had made myself sick with crying etc. I discovered early, with my Mum, to survive abuse you must learn to be very, very strong and to block out your emotions and feelings towards the abuser...pretend that they don't mean much to you, even though they are the one's you love the most and your biggest support mechanism's (both Mum & now husband). That is the only way, other than getting as far away from them as possible (which I did from Mum as soon as I was old enough) that you can function.

OK my imagery.....this is so wierd

The obstacle is a white picket fence.
I think it must be spring or autumn
It is a clear, brisk day with a very slightbreeze, the sky has just those fluffy white clouds up really high, the sun is shining.
Between the picket fence and the concrete wall it is like desert. The road is still smooth an firm, a nice 2 lane highway. Over the picket fence is a most beautiful english cottage garden with wonderful flowers. But this only goes for about a house block and then all around is like desert also, red dirt with just a few strangly gum tress every now and then. Some hills way off in the distance. Funny thing is when I look at the garden the sun is out ad it is day, when I look out to the desert it is like dusk, as the sun is going down...very dreary and making all the colours fade.

XX

[anthony]

Ok, still hiding your feelings, though you have released that you feel quite alone, abandoned even. You likely feel your support is changing, decreasing, though you hope for healthy growth.

Lee, before your fence, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Lee]

OK, it's a rock. An uneven kind of rock in like a triangle shape. It is about 6 foot higher, maybe taller and about 6 foot wide. It is grey and has smooth edges. It sits on a patch of grass on the desert, highway. I can easily step around it though and walk on to the picket fence.

[anthony]

Ok, so we continue to get somewhere... you feel as though an unexpected problem or situation that is confusing you stops your path of life at present. You believe you should be vigorous, healthy and growing, yet this sudden problem or situation is an issue that you can get around, but must deal with.

What do you feel this unexpected problem or situation is?

[Lee]

I know what it is. That in 2005 after at least a year of living (existing in despair) with a husand who had changed from a fun loving, happy, loving man into a totally withdrawn, angry, cruel man. I made the step, moved out and started a life by myself. I was very strong and happy. My husband had become my worst nightmare...the same kind of person as my mother had been. He had a break-down, sought treatment, went on medication, and woo-ed me back again. We bought a beautiful house together again and lived quite OK until Aug 06 when he went off his meds. Once again he slowly but surely has turned into the withdrawn, angry man. My beautiful daugher, being almost 16 now wants nothing to do with him and spends as long away from the house as she can (she is just up the road so I know she is safe) and the other 2 obviously feel it too. He told me over Xmsa that he couldn't go on like this and that I had to change so that the kids and I didn't stress him out so much. He refuses to see that it is him and not us. I capitulated and was pretty lost for about a month trying to please him and make it all better, but no-one can live by inflexible, unrealistic RULES. Went to counsellor last week and she made me strong again...it is not me, I do not cause this to happen. Now I have told him that he needs to fix himself up or move out in May (when our rental house is vacant). So my rock is having to live like this until at least May, and living with a thing that used to be my husband, who is like a monster who looks like him.....and thinking of all the logistical nightmare of having to separate again....maybe sell another house and move again....all that. I know I CAN do it.....I just don't want to. I want my old W back, the loving kind husband, and for us to be a happy family. But now with all the resentment I have I truly do not think that will ever be possible. I am still dealing with anger and resentment at my mother and now I've got the anger and resentment at him over the top....amazing I can still function. Work is my sanctuary and I keep busy taking kids to sports etc....I just want this to be over and to feel alive again.

[anthony]

Great work Lee... very good to see. Before that rock, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Lee]

This is so wierd. It is a little kitten. A little greay kitten like the one we lost in 2005 (which I think triggered W's really bad depression and withdrawal the first time).....but we had that cat for 13 years, he was the same age as our eldest daughter. He was mauled by 3 dogs next door and W saw him at the vet before he died. It is not him though...or maybe it's him but as a kitten. This one is really cute and kind of cheeky....he was big and tough. He wants me to pick him up and take him with me.

[anthony]

Lee, is the kitten pleasant, or unpleasant? What would you do with the kitten, being how would you treat it?

[Lee]

The kitten is cute and adorable with intelligent eyes. When I look into it's eyes I know that the two of us are soul mates and that we can commuicate non verbally and that this kitten was meant to go on my journey with me. I pick it up and it snuggles into me, purring, as I continue on twoards the picket fence.

[anthony]

Lee, would it be more accurate to then say, that maybe you want someone to pick you up, to caress you, care for you, support you and generally take care of you emotionally? Likely from your partner?

[Lee]

Yes, I think that you are spot on Anthony. I went to see counsellor today and she said that a lot of my problems stem from having a very poor self esteem, and I thought that I had very high self esteem. I always present well, have great kids, a lovely house, a good job...I have achieved lots n my life and career, but because of my early abuse by Mother am left with very poor self esteem and as W is my only support network, I place lots of pressure on him to love me unconditionally and if I sense any form of rejection I freak out....and I block him out or treat him in a 'snooty' way....I guess you'd put it. This then triggers him to block me out and treat me in an angry and aggresive way and so on and so on. We are both going to see her tomorrow to try and work thu some stuff. Thaks, you have been a great support.

[anthony]

Do you see that revolving cycle you mentioned Lee? Your low self esteem makes you feel dependant upon him, thus you demand from him... where if you work towards improving your self esteem, you would be functional as an individual, and instead of being demanding within your relationship, you would simply be best friends, which is the idea of a relationship, to simply be best friends, be there for one another, but not depend on the other, instead stand on your own two feet, and them also, then you come together to stand as one.

[Lee]

How do I even start to do that ? As I said I thought I had good self esteem. I have everything that I could ever have wished to have at my time in life....I feel that I have been a success in many, many ways. Only that now my relationship with W is trashed.

[anthony]

What you have in your life has nothing to do with self esteem and confidence. Money, possessions and people don't create self esteem, instead it is created by how people are raised by their parents, how a person is treated in life. Now most are not treated all that well, but good enough to get by, however; a person can change their self esteem at any time if they want. The military do it to each and every recruit that makes it past the first week or two. The small amount who don't make, generally have such low self esteem, they portray themselves when pushed as useless, gutless, not willing to really put in a hard effort, 110%; instead they say things like, "I can't do it" or "It hurts, I must rest", and the list goes on. These are all signs of low self esteem. Most people do not have a high self esteem, especially females. Males are more predominant with self esteem, because it is a direct reflection from confidence. Males are generally more confident than females. Females are generally more emotional than males. Balancing act if you like.

There are threads within the Interpersonal Skills (http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum20.html) information forum, which deal directly with self esteem and related self esteem / confidence building. To build confidence is to give everything you do 110%, and if you fail to not beat yourself up about it, but too learn from it. What are the facts to this problem? This type of thinking is proactive, where people look at all possibilities within what they do, generally try most things they feel are mentally or physically challenging, to push oneself beyond what they thought where their limits... is what builds self esteem.

Its like having to people over-weight. One is truly happy with their weight, and if remarked the remarks simply slide off, because they truly know they are a beautiful person, regardless of looks. The second person thinks they are confident, and when told they are over-weight, becomes aggressive, condescending, spiteful, etc. No doubt you have heard it all before...

Big difference in how both those examples see themselves, to how a remark or statement hurts one, but truly not the other, not just words, but actual true feelings inside, which is self esteem and self confidence. The one with high self esteem are reinforcing to themselves that they are smart, they have skills, they are good at this and that, they have friends who truly love them for being them, and the list goes on. When such a remark is made, they simply look at the person, and are already telling themselves that this person must be kidding themselves if they somehow think they are better than me, we are equal... so thought, but the person making the remark likely has low self esteem in the first place, hence trying to garnish an attack, so they can show others how nothing hurts them.

Just really take a good look at people around you, and look deep into how they respond to life, to others... then tell me if they truly have a high self esteem, tell me if they truly believe they are worthwhile, and are equal to all other human beings!