batgirl
07-02-2007, 07:26 AM
Self-Talk
Imagine two individuals sitting in stop-and-go traffic at rush hour. One perceives himself as trapped, and says such things to himself as "I can't stand this", "I've got to get out of here", "Why did I ever get myself into this commute?". What he feels is anxiety, anger and frustration. The other perceives the situation as an opportunity to lay back, relax, and put on a new tape. He says such things to himself as "I might as well just relax and adjust to the pace of the traffic" or "I can unwind by doing some deep breathing". What he feels is a sense of calm and acceptance. In both cases, the situation is exactly the same, but the feelings in response to that situation are vastly different because of each individual's internal monologue, or self-talk.
The truth is that it's what we say to ourselves in response to any particular situation that mainly determines our moods and feelings. Often we say it so quickly and automatically that we don't even notice, and so we get the impression that the external situation "makes" us feel the way we do. But it's really our interpretations and thoughts about what is happening that form the basis of our feelings. This sequence can be represented as a cycle:
External Events ---> Interpretations of Events and Self-Talk ---> Feelings and Reactions
Not all negative self-talk is the same. Human beings are not only diverse but complex, with multifaceted personalities. These facets are sometimes referred to as "subpersonalities". Our different subpersonalities each play their own distinct role and possess their own voice in the complex workings of consciousness, memory and dreams. Below are outlined four of the more common subpersonality types that tend to be prominent in people who are prone to anxiety: the Worrier, the Critic, the Victim, and the Perfectionist. Since the strength of those inner voices varies for different people, you might find it useful to rank them from strongest to weakest in yourself.
1. The Worrier (promotes anxiety)
Characteristics: Usually this is the strongest subpersonality in people who are prone to anxiety. The Worrier creates anxiety by imagining the worst-case scenario. It scares you with fantasies of disaster or catatrophe when you imagine confronting something you fear. It also aggravates panic by reacting to the first physical symptoms of a panic attack. The Worrier promotesyour fear that what is happening is dangerous or embarrassing "What if I have a heart attack?" or "What will they think if they see me?"
In short, the Worrier's dominant tendencies include:
1) Anticipating the worst
2) Overestimating the odds of something embarrassing happening
3) Creating grandiose images of potential failure or catastrophe
The Worrier is always vigilant, watching with uneasy apprehension for any small symptoms or signs of trouble.
Favourite expression: By far the favourite expression of the Worrier is "What if..."
Examples: Some typical dialogue from the Worrier might include: "Oh, no, my heart's starting to beat faster! What if I panic and lose control of myself?", "What if I start stammering in the middle of my speech?", "What if they can see me shaking?", "What if I'm alone and there's nobody to call?", "What if I just can't get over this phobia?" or "What if I'm restricted from going to work for the rest of my life?".
2. The Critic (promotes low self-esteem)
Characteristics: The Critic is that part of you which is constantly judging and evaluating your behaviour (and in this sense may seem more "apart" from you than the other subpersonalities). It tends to point out your flaws and limitations whenever possible. It jumps on any mistake you make to remind you that you're a failure. The Critic generates anxiety by putting you down for not being able to handle your panic symptoms, for not being able to go places you used to go, for being unable to perform at your best, or for having to be dependent on someone else. It also likes to compare you with others, and usually sees them coming out favourably. It tends to ignore your positive qualities and emphasizes your weaknesses and inadequacies. The Critic may be personified in your own dialogue as the voice of your mother or father, a dreaded teacher, or anyone who hurt you in the past with their criticism.
Favourite Expression: "What a disappointment you are!"
Examples: Typical of the Critic's self-talk are statements such as the following: "You are stupid..." (the Critic relishes negative labels), "Can't you ever get it right?", Why are you always this way?", "Look how capable (insert name) is!" or "You could have done better".
3. The Victim (promotes depression)
Characteristics: The Victim is that part of you which feels helpless or hopeless. It generates anxiety by telling you that you're not making any progress, that your condition is incurable, or that the road is too long and steep for you to have a real chance at recovering. The Victim also plays a major role in creating depression. The Victim believes that there is something inherently wrong with you: you are in some way deprived, defective or unworthy. The Victim always perceives insurmountable obstacles between you and your goals. Characteristically, it bemoans, complains, and regrets things as they are at present. It believes that nothing will ever change.
Favourite Expressions: "I can't", "I'll never be able to".
Examples: The Victim will say such things as: "I'll never be able to do that, so what's the point in even trying?", "I feel physically drained today - why bother doing anything?", "Maybe I could have done it if I'd had more iniative ten years ago - but it's too late now".
4. The Perfectionist (promotes chronic stress and burnout)
Characteristics: The Perfectionist is a close cousin of the Critic, but its concern is less to put you down than to push and goad you to do better. It generates anxiety by constantly telling you your efforts aren't good enough, that you should always be working harder, you should always be pleasant, you should always be --- (fill in whatever you keep telling yourself that you "should" do or be). The Perfectionist is the hard-driving part of you that wants to be the best and is intolerant of mistakes or setbacks. It has a tendency to try to convince you that your self-worth is dependent on externals such as vocational achievement, money and status, acceptance by others, being loved, or your consistent ability to be pleasing and nice to others regardless of what they do or how you feel. The Perfectionist isn't convinced by any notions of your inherent self-worth, but instead pushes you to stress, exhaustion, and burnout in pursuit of its goals. It likes to ignore warning signals from your body.
Favourite Expressions: "I should", "I have to", "I must".
Examples: The Perfectionist may provide such instructions as "I should always be on top of things", "I should always be considerate and unselfish", "I should always be pleasant and nice", "I have to (get this job, make this amount of money, get this person's approval, etc) or I'm worthless".
Exercise: What Are Your Subpersonalities Telling You?
Take some time to think about how each of the above subpersonalities plays a role in your thinking, feelings, and behaviour. First, think how much each one effects you. Which subpersonality is strongest and which is weakest in you? Then think about what each subpersonality is saying to you to create or aggravate anxiety in different situations.
1. Work - on your job, at school, or in other performance situations
2. Personal Relationships - with your spouse or partner, parents, children and/or friends
3. Anxiety Symptoms - on occasions where you experience panic, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms
4. Phobic Situations - either in advance of facing a phobia or while actually confronting the phobic situation
Here are some examples for each subpersonality:
The Worrier
Work: "What if my boss finds out I have agoraphobia? Will I get fired?"
Relationships: "My husband is getting tired of having to take me places. What if he refuses? What if he leaves me?"
Anxiety Symptoms: "What if they see me panic? What if they think I'm weird?"
Phobic Situations: "What if I get into an accident the first time I drive on the highway?"
Many of you will find that the Worrier's self-talk in the latter two situations is by far the most common source of your anxiety. If you have panic attacks, the Worrier is prone to create anxiety about when and where the next one might occur. Should the bodily symptoms of panic actually start to come on, the Worrier will magnify them into something dangerous, which only creates more panic.
If you have phobias, the Worrier is typically busy telling you about all kinds of things which might happen if you were to actually face your fear. As a result, you often experience "anticipatory anxiety" (anxiety in advance of facing a phobia) and try to avoid dealing with whatever your phobia may be. You'll find it helpful to do a separate analysis of what your Worrier is telling you (in other words, your what-ifs) for each of your specific phobias or triggers. Ask yourself what you're afraid could happen if you faced each fear.
The Critic
Work: "I'm incompetent because of my condition."
Relationships: "I'm a burden on my wife."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I'm such a weakling - I go to pieces when I panic."
Phobic Situations: "Everyone else can drive - I feel like a loser."
The Victim
Work: "My situation is hopeless - I'll never work again."
Relationships: "My parents really messed me up" or "I can't make it without my boyfriend."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I'll never get over this - there must be something very wrong with me."
Phobic Situations: "It's useless going to anymore job interviews. No one's going to hire me when they see that I'm so anxious."
The Perfectionist
Work: "I should be able to make sales like I used to no matter how anxious I feel."
Relationships: "I shouldn't need to depend on my family or anyone else to help me."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I should be able to stop these thoughts from going through my mind."
Phobic Situations: "I should be able to cope like anyone else."
Monitor what your subpersonalities are telling you for at least one week. Pay attention especially to occasions where you are feeling anxious, depressed, self-critical and ashamed, or otherwise upset. Look for the thoughts that were going through your mind that led you to feel the way you did. "I felt scared" is not a good example of self-talk because it doesn't indicate what you were thinking (telling yourself) that caused you to feel scared. On the other hand, the self-statement, "What if I panic on the job today?" is an example of a thought that could have led you to feel scared. Create a table / worksheet in your journal or workbook. The table should have two columns entitled "Negative Self-Talk" and "Rational Counterstatements". When you've identified what you were telling yourself that provoked anxiety or caused you to feel upset, write them down under the column, "Negative Self-Talk".
Countering Negative Self-Talk
The most effective way to deal with the negative self-talk of your Worrier and other subpersonalities is to counter it with rational, supportive statements. Countering involves writing down and rehearsing positive statements which directly refute or invalidate your negative self-talk. If you're increasing anxiety and other upsetting emotional states through negative mental programming, you can begin to change the way you feel by substituting positive programming. Doing this will take some practice. You've had years to practice your negative self-talk and naturally have developed some very strong habits. Your Worrier and other subpersonalities are likely to be very well entrenched. By starting to notice when you're engaging in negativity, and then countering it with positive, supportive statements to yourself, you'll begin to turn your thinking around. With practice and consistent effort, you'll change both the way you think and feel on an ongoing basis.
Perhaps you're strongly attached to some of your negative self-talk. You've been telling yourself these things for years and it's difficult to give up both the habit and the belief. You're not someone who's easily persuaded. If that's the case, and you want to do something about your negative self-talk, it's important that you subject it to rational scrutiny. You can weaken the hold of your negative self-statements by exposing them to any of the following Socratic questions (These questions are called Socratic because, like Socrates, they expose a negative argument to rational investigation).
1. What is the evidence for this?
2. Is this always true?
3. Has this been true in the past?
4. What are the odds of this really happening (or being true)?
5. What is the very worst that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would I do if the worst happened?
6. Am I looking at the whole picture?
7. Am I am being fully objective?
The validity of your negative self-statements has nothing to do with how attached you are to them or how ingrained they might be. Rather, it has to do with whether they stand up under careful, objective scrutiny. Consider the following examples:
Worrier: "What if I have a heart attack the next time I panic?"
Questioning: "What is the evidence that panic attacks cause heart attacks?" Answer: None.
Counterstatement: "A panic attack, however uncomfortable, is not dangerous to my heart. I can let panic rise, fall, and pass, and my heart will be fine."
Critic: "You're weak and neurotic because of your stupid phobias and triggers."
Questioning: "What is the evidence for this?" Answer: Phobias and triggers are caused by a conditioning process that occurs in a high anxiety state.
Counterstatement: "My phobias and triggers developed because of a conditioning process that caused me to be sensitized to certain situations. I'm learning to overcome my fears through a process of gradual exposure."
Victim: "I'll never get over this problem. I'll be limited in my mobility for the rest of my life."
Questioning: "What is the evidence that agoraphobia is a life-long condition? What other outcomes are possible?" Answer: Ninety percent of agoraphobics recover with effective treatment.
Counterstatement: "My condition isn't hopeless. I can overcome it by establishing and committing myself to a program for recovery."
Perfectionist: "I have to receive my parents' acceptane and approval or I'll be devastated."
Questioning: "Am I fully objective? Is it actually true that my parents' approval is absolutely necessary for my well-being? What is the worst that could happen?" Answer: I could still survive and have people who care for and support me even without my parents' approval.
Counterstatement: "I'm willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardles of what my parents think."
If you feel attached to your negative self-talk, use any of the above Socratic questions to evaluate the validity of what you're telling yourself. In most cases, you'll find that the negative statements of your Worrier, Critic, Victim and Perfectionist have little basis in reality. At worst, they will only be partially or occasionally true. Once you've discredited a particular subpersonality's views, you will be ready to counter with positive, supportive statements.
Rules for Writing Counterstatements
1. Avoid negatives in writing your counterstatements. Instead of saying, "I'm not going to panic when I board the plane", try, "I am confident about boarding the plane". Telling yourself something will not happen is more likely to create anxiety than giving yourself a direct affirmation.
2. Keep counterstatements in the present tense. "I can breathe and let these feelings pass" is preferable to "I will feel better in a few minutes". Since much of your negative self-talk is in the here and now, it needs to be countered by statements that are also in the present. If you're not ready to directly affirm something, try beginning your positive statement with: "I am willing to...", "I am learning to...", "I am becoming...", "I can...".
3. Wherever possible, keep your statements in the first person. Begin them with "I" or refer to "I" somewhere in the statement. It's okay to write a sentence or two explaining the basis for your counterstatement (see previous examples of of counterstatements for the Worrier and Critic), but try to end with an I-statement.
4. It's important that you have some belief in your positive self-talk. Don't write something down just because it's positive if you don't actually believe it. If appropriate, use the Socratic questions to challenge your negative self-talk first, and then follow this up with a rational counterstatement that holds some personal credibility for you. Rate your belief in the counterstatements (for example, 10% or 90%).
To get you started, here are some more examples of positive counterstatements you can use with each of the subpersonalities:
The Worrier:
Instead of "What if..." you can say: "So what?", "I can handle this", "I can be anxious and still do this", "This might be scary, but I can tolerate a little anxiety, knowing that it will pass", "I'll get used to this with practice", or "I can retreat if necessary".
The Critic:
Instead of putting yourself down, you can say: "I'm okay the way I am", "I'm lovable and capable", "I'm a unique and creative person", "I deserve the good things in life as much as anyone else", "I accept and believe in myself", or "I am worthy of the respect of others".
The Victim:
Instead of feeling hopeless, you can say: "I don't have to be all better by tomorrow", "I can contineu to make progress one step at a time", "I acknowledge the progress I've made and will continue to improve", "It's never too late to change", or "I'm willing to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty".
The Perfectionist:
Instead of demanding perfection, you can say: "It's okay to make mistakes", "Life is too short to be taken so seriously", "Setbacks are part of the process and an importatn learning experience", "I don't have to always be (insert quality)", "My needs and feelings are as important as anyone else's."
Working with Counterstatements
Now you are ready to go back and counter all the negative self-talk statements you recorded in your workbook or journal for your various subpersonalities. Write down counterstatements corresponding to each negative statement in the right-hand column.
Once you've completed writing out positive self-talk for each subpersonality in each situation, there are several ways you can work with your positive counterstatements.
1. Read through your list of positive counterstatements slowly and carefully for a few minutes each day for at least two weeks. See if you can feel some conviction about their truth as you read them. This will help you to integrate them more deeply into your consciousness.
2. Make copies of your table / worksheet and post them in a conspicious place. Take time once a day to carefully read through your positive counterstatements.
3. Put your counterstatements on tape, leaving about 5 seconds between each consecutive positive statement so that it has time to sink in. You can significantly enhance the effect of such a tape by giving yourself 10-15 minutes to become very relaxed before listening to your counterstatements. You will be more receptive to them in a relaxed state. You may want to record instructions for progressive muscle relaxation, or relaxing visualizations, on the first 10-15 minutes of the tape.
4. If you're having a problem with a particular phobia, you might want to work with positive counterstatements that are specific just to that phobia. For example, if you're afraid of speaking before groups, make a list of all your fears (what-ifs) about what could happen, and develop positive statements to counter each fear. Then read through your list of counterstatements carefully each day for two weeks or make a short tape as described above.
Adapted from "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edward Bourne.
Imagine two individuals sitting in stop-and-go traffic at rush hour. One perceives himself as trapped, and says such things to himself as "I can't stand this", "I've got to get out of here", "Why did I ever get myself into this commute?". What he feels is anxiety, anger and frustration. The other perceives the situation as an opportunity to lay back, relax, and put on a new tape. He says such things to himself as "I might as well just relax and adjust to the pace of the traffic" or "I can unwind by doing some deep breathing". What he feels is a sense of calm and acceptance. In both cases, the situation is exactly the same, but the feelings in response to that situation are vastly different because of each individual's internal monologue, or self-talk.
The truth is that it's what we say to ourselves in response to any particular situation that mainly determines our moods and feelings. Often we say it so quickly and automatically that we don't even notice, and so we get the impression that the external situation "makes" us feel the way we do. But it's really our interpretations and thoughts about what is happening that form the basis of our feelings. This sequence can be represented as a cycle:
External Events ---> Interpretations of Events and Self-Talk ---> Feelings and Reactions
Not all negative self-talk is the same. Human beings are not only diverse but complex, with multifaceted personalities. These facets are sometimes referred to as "subpersonalities". Our different subpersonalities each play their own distinct role and possess their own voice in the complex workings of consciousness, memory and dreams. Below are outlined four of the more common subpersonality types that tend to be prominent in people who are prone to anxiety: the Worrier, the Critic, the Victim, and the Perfectionist. Since the strength of those inner voices varies for different people, you might find it useful to rank them from strongest to weakest in yourself.
1. The Worrier (promotes anxiety)
Characteristics: Usually this is the strongest subpersonality in people who are prone to anxiety. The Worrier creates anxiety by imagining the worst-case scenario. It scares you with fantasies of disaster or catatrophe when you imagine confronting something you fear. It also aggravates panic by reacting to the first physical symptoms of a panic attack. The Worrier promotesyour fear that what is happening is dangerous or embarrassing "What if I have a heart attack?" or "What will they think if they see me?"
In short, the Worrier's dominant tendencies include:
1) Anticipating the worst
2) Overestimating the odds of something embarrassing happening
3) Creating grandiose images of potential failure or catastrophe
The Worrier is always vigilant, watching with uneasy apprehension for any small symptoms or signs of trouble.
Favourite expression: By far the favourite expression of the Worrier is "What if..."
Examples: Some typical dialogue from the Worrier might include: "Oh, no, my heart's starting to beat faster! What if I panic and lose control of myself?", "What if I start stammering in the middle of my speech?", "What if they can see me shaking?", "What if I'm alone and there's nobody to call?", "What if I just can't get over this phobia?" or "What if I'm restricted from going to work for the rest of my life?".
2. The Critic (promotes low self-esteem)
Characteristics: The Critic is that part of you which is constantly judging and evaluating your behaviour (and in this sense may seem more "apart" from you than the other subpersonalities). It tends to point out your flaws and limitations whenever possible. It jumps on any mistake you make to remind you that you're a failure. The Critic generates anxiety by putting you down for not being able to handle your panic symptoms, for not being able to go places you used to go, for being unable to perform at your best, or for having to be dependent on someone else. It also likes to compare you with others, and usually sees them coming out favourably. It tends to ignore your positive qualities and emphasizes your weaknesses and inadequacies. The Critic may be personified in your own dialogue as the voice of your mother or father, a dreaded teacher, or anyone who hurt you in the past with their criticism.
Favourite Expression: "What a disappointment you are!"
Examples: Typical of the Critic's self-talk are statements such as the following: "You are stupid..." (the Critic relishes negative labels), "Can't you ever get it right?", Why are you always this way?", "Look how capable (insert name) is!" or "You could have done better".
3. The Victim (promotes depression)
Characteristics: The Victim is that part of you which feels helpless or hopeless. It generates anxiety by telling you that you're not making any progress, that your condition is incurable, or that the road is too long and steep for you to have a real chance at recovering. The Victim also plays a major role in creating depression. The Victim believes that there is something inherently wrong with you: you are in some way deprived, defective or unworthy. The Victim always perceives insurmountable obstacles between you and your goals. Characteristically, it bemoans, complains, and regrets things as they are at present. It believes that nothing will ever change.
Favourite Expressions: "I can't", "I'll never be able to".
Examples: The Victim will say such things as: "I'll never be able to do that, so what's the point in even trying?", "I feel physically drained today - why bother doing anything?", "Maybe I could have done it if I'd had more iniative ten years ago - but it's too late now".
4. The Perfectionist (promotes chronic stress and burnout)
Characteristics: The Perfectionist is a close cousin of the Critic, but its concern is less to put you down than to push and goad you to do better. It generates anxiety by constantly telling you your efforts aren't good enough, that you should always be working harder, you should always be pleasant, you should always be --- (fill in whatever you keep telling yourself that you "should" do or be). The Perfectionist is the hard-driving part of you that wants to be the best and is intolerant of mistakes or setbacks. It has a tendency to try to convince you that your self-worth is dependent on externals such as vocational achievement, money and status, acceptance by others, being loved, or your consistent ability to be pleasing and nice to others regardless of what they do or how you feel. The Perfectionist isn't convinced by any notions of your inherent self-worth, but instead pushes you to stress, exhaustion, and burnout in pursuit of its goals. It likes to ignore warning signals from your body.
Favourite Expressions: "I should", "I have to", "I must".
Examples: The Perfectionist may provide such instructions as "I should always be on top of things", "I should always be considerate and unselfish", "I should always be pleasant and nice", "I have to (get this job, make this amount of money, get this person's approval, etc) or I'm worthless".
Exercise: What Are Your Subpersonalities Telling You?
Take some time to think about how each of the above subpersonalities plays a role in your thinking, feelings, and behaviour. First, think how much each one effects you. Which subpersonality is strongest and which is weakest in you? Then think about what each subpersonality is saying to you to create or aggravate anxiety in different situations.
1. Work - on your job, at school, or in other performance situations
2. Personal Relationships - with your spouse or partner, parents, children and/or friends
3. Anxiety Symptoms - on occasions where you experience panic, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms
4. Phobic Situations - either in advance of facing a phobia or while actually confronting the phobic situation
Here are some examples for each subpersonality:
The Worrier
Work: "What if my boss finds out I have agoraphobia? Will I get fired?"
Relationships: "My husband is getting tired of having to take me places. What if he refuses? What if he leaves me?"
Anxiety Symptoms: "What if they see me panic? What if they think I'm weird?"
Phobic Situations: "What if I get into an accident the first time I drive on the highway?"
Many of you will find that the Worrier's self-talk in the latter two situations is by far the most common source of your anxiety. If you have panic attacks, the Worrier is prone to create anxiety about when and where the next one might occur. Should the bodily symptoms of panic actually start to come on, the Worrier will magnify them into something dangerous, which only creates more panic.
If you have phobias, the Worrier is typically busy telling you about all kinds of things which might happen if you were to actually face your fear. As a result, you often experience "anticipatory anxiety" (anxiety in advance of facing a phobia) and try to avoid dealing with whatever your phobia may be. You'll find it helpful to do a separate analysis of what your Worrier is telling you (in other words, your what-ifs) for each of your specific phobias or triggers. Ask yourself what you're afraid could happen if you faced each fear.
The Critic
Work: "I'm incompetent because of my condition."
Relationships: "I'm a burden on my wife."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I'm such a weakling - I go to pieces when I panic."
Phobic Situations: "Everyone else can drive - I feel like a loser."
The Victim
Work: "My situation is hopeless - I'll never work again."
Relationships: "My parents really messed me up" or "I can't make it without my boyfriend."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I'll never get over this - there must be something very wrong with me."
Phobic Situations: "It's useless going to anymore job interviews. No one's going to hire me when they see that I'm so anxious."
The Perfectionist
Work: "I should be able to make sales like I used to no matter how anxious I feel."
Relationships: "I shouldn't need to depend on my family or anyone else to help me."
Anxiety Symptoms: "I should be able to stop these thoughts from going through my mind."
Phobic Situations: "I should be able to cope like anyone else."
Monitor what your subpersonalities are telling you for at least one week. Pay attention especially to occasions where you are feeling anxious, depressed, self-critical and ashamed, or otherwise upset. Look for the thoughts that were going through your mind that led you to feel the way you did. "I felt scared" is not a good example of self-talk because it doesn't indicate what you were thinking (telling yourself) that caused you to feel scared. On the other hand, the self-statement, "What if I panic on the job today?" is an example of a thought that could have led you to feel scared. Create a table / worksheet in your journal or workbook. The table should have two columns entitled "Negative Self-Talk" and "Rational Counterstatements". When you've identified what you were telling yourself that provoked anxiety or caused you to feel upset, write them down under the column, "Negative Self-Talk".
Countering Negative Self-Talk
The most effective way to deal with the negative self-talk of your Worrier and other subpersonalities is to counter it with rational, supportive statements. Countering involves writing down and rehearsing positive statements which directly refute or invalidate your negative self-talk. If you're increasing anxiety and other upsetting emotional states through negative mental programming, you can begin to change the way you feel by substituting positive programming. Doing this will take some practice. You've had years to practice your negative self-talk and naturally have developed some very strong habits. Your Worrier and other subpersonalities are likely to be very well entrenched. By starting to notice when you're engaging in negativity, and then countering it with positive, supportive statements to yourself, you'll begin to turn your thinking around. With practice and consistent effort, you'll change both the way you think and feel on an ongoing basis.
Perhaps you're strongly attached to some of your negative self-talk. You've been telling yourself these things for years and it's difficult to give up both the habit and the belief. You're not someone who's easily persuaded. If that's the case, and you want to do something about your negative self-talk, it's important that you subject it to rational scrutiny. You can weaken the hold of your negative self-statements by exposing them to any of the following Socratic questions (These questions are called Socratic because, like Socrates, they expose a negative argument to rational investigation).
1. What is the evidence for this?
2. Is this always true?
3. Has this been true in the past?
4. What are the odds of this really happening (or being true)?
5. What is the very worst that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would I do if the worst happened?
6. Am I looking at the whole picture?
7. Am I am being fully objective?
The validity of your negative self-statements has nothing to do with how attached you are to them or how ingrained they might be. Rather, it has to do with whether they stand up under careful, objective scrutiny. Consider the following examples:
Worrier: "What if I have a heart attack the next time I panic?"
Questioning: "What is the evidence that panic attacks cause heart attacks?" Answer: None.
Counterstatement: "A panic attack, however uncomfortable, is not dangerous to my heart. I can let panic rise, fall, and pass, and my heart will be fine."
Critic: "You're weak and neurotic because of your stupid phobias and triggers."
Questioning: "What is the evidence for this?" Answer: Phobias and triggers are caused by a conditioning process that occurs in a high anxiety state.
Counterstatement: "My phobias and triggers developed because of a conditioning process that caused me to be sensitized to certain situations. I'm learning to overcome my fears through a process of gradual exposure."
Victim: "I'll never get over this problem. I'll be limited in my mobility for the rest of my life."
Questioning: "What is the evidence that agoraphobia is a life-long condition? What other outcomes are possible?" Answer: Ninety percent of agoraphobics recover with effective treatment.
Counterstatement: "My condition isn't hopeless. I can overcome it by establishing and committing myself to a program for recovery."
Perfectionist: "I have to receive my parents' acceptane and approval or I'll be devastated."
Questioning: "Am I fully objective? Is it actually true that my parents' approval is absolutely necessary for my well-being? What is the worst that could happen?" Answer: I could still survive and have people who care for and support me even without my parents' approval.
Counterstatement: "I'm willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardles of what my parents think."
If you feel attached to your negative self-talk, use any of the above Socratic questions to evaluate the validity of what you're telling yourself. In most cases, you'll find that the negative statements of your Worrier, Critic, Victim and Perfectionist have little basis in reality. At worst, they will only be partially or occasionally true. Once you've discredited a particular subpersonality's views, you will be ready to counter with positive, supportive statements.
Rules for Writing Counterstatements
1. Avoid negatives in writing your counterstatements. Instead of saying, "I'm not going to panic when I board the plane", try, "I am confident about boarding the plane". Telling yourself something will not happen is more likely to create anxiety than giving yourself a direct affirmation.
2. Keep counterstatements in the present tense. "I can breathe and let these feelings pass" is preferable to "I will feel better in a few minutes". Since much of your negative self-talk is in the here and now, it needs to be countered by statements that are also in the present. If you're not ready to directly affirm something, try beginning your positive statement with: "I am willing to...", "I am learning to...", "I am becoming...", "I can...".
3. Wherever possible, keep your statements in the first person. Begin them with "I" or refer to "I" somewhere in the statement. It's okay to write a sentence or two explaining the basis for your counterstatement (see previous examples of of counterstatements for the Worrier and Critic), but try to end with an I-statement.
4. It's important that you have some belief in your positive self-talk. Don't write something down just because it's positive if you don't actually believe it. If appropriate, use the Socratic questions to challenge your negative self-talk first, and then follow this up with a rational counterstatement that holds some personal credibility for you. Rate your belief in the counterstatements (for example, 10% or 90%).
To get you started, here are some more examples of positive counterstatements you can use with each of the subpersonalities:
The Worrier:
Instead of "What if..." you can say: "So what?", "I can handle this", "I can be anxious and still do this", "This might be scary, but I can tolerate a little anxiety, knowing that it will pass", "I'll get used to this with practice", or "I can retreat if necessary".
The Critic:
Instead of putting yourself down, you can say: "I'm okay the way I am", "I'm lovable and capable", "I'm a unique and creative person", "I deserve the good things in life as much as anyone else", "I accept and believe in myself", or "I am worthy of the respect of others".
The Victim:
Instead of feeling hopeless, you can say: "I don't have to be all better by tomorrow", "I can contineu to make progress one step at a time", "I acknowledge the progress I've made and will continue to improve", "It's never too late to change", or "I'm willing to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty".
The Perfectionist:
Instead of demanding perfection, you can say: "It's okay to make mistakes", "Life is too short to be taken so seriously", "Setbacks are part of the process and an importatn learning experience", "I don't have to always be (insert quality)", "My needs and feelings are as important as anyone else's."
Working with Counterstatements
Now you are ready to go back and counter all the negative self-talk statements you recorded in your workbook or journal for your various subpersonalities. Write down counterstatements corresponding to each negative statement in the right-hand column.
Once you've completed writing out positive self-talk for each subpersonality in each situation, there are several ways you can work with your positive counterstatements.
1. Read through your list of positive counterstatements slowly and carefully for a few minutes each day for at least two weeks. See if you can feel some conviction about their truth as you read them. This will help you to integrate them more deeply into your consciousness.
2. Make copies of your table / worksheet and post them in a conspicious place. Take time once a day to carefully read through your positive counterstatements.
3. Put your counterstatements on tape, leaving about 5 seconds between each consecutive positive statement so that it has time to sink in. You can significantly enhance the effect of such a tape by giving yourself 10-15 minutes to become very relaxed before listening to your counterstatements. You will be more receptive to them in a relaxed state. You may want to record instructions for progressive muscle relaxation, or relaxing visualizations, on the first 10-15 minutes of the tape.
4. If you're having a problem with a particular phobia, you might want to work with positive counterstatements that are specific just to that phobia. For example, if you're afraid of speaking before groups, make a list of all your fears (what-ifs) about what could happen, and develop positive statements to counter each fear. Then read through your list of counterstatements carefully each day for two weeks or make a short tape as described above.
Adapted from "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edward Bourne.