Hercs Diary

[Grama-Herc]

:dont-know As I browse briefly through some of the stories and threads posted by others my sense is I don't belong here. These people are in pain and have had horrible events in their lives. Things that I could never imagine. Yet through it all I must realize that I too have PTSD. Except no one knows why I have it. I remember basically nothing with clarity until around age 23. To accept the fact that I remember nothing of the birth of my child. It is and always has been a source of upset to me. To know that I was married and had a wedding is a question? It happened--I've got pictures! High school graduation, got the diploma and I know I attended the ceremony-no memory of even being there. My sisiter was born when I was 10, this is a totally blank event in my life. I know I have a sister but that"s about it. These are major life events and they produce no memories what so ever. Over the years my answer to any problem is to run, leave or just simply ignore issues. I did it through drugs. I did it through alchohal I now have a child that will not acknowledge my existance. While she has all the right in the world to feel the way she does, it still hurts. I am extremely lukcy that nothing I did caused any real physical harm to my child- at least I don't think it did. However, the emotional scares suffered by this child are extreme. She is now 37 and I have no idea where she is or even if she is. This is my pain to bear, not hers. Letting go of the guilt is something I have been unalbe to do, and probably won't un til I know that she is at least alive and doing ok. Is this the cause of my PTSD? I've been diagnosed with the depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks/anxiety disorder and 1 MD said I also had OCD. There is an intense family history of mental illness with almost everyone having varying degrees from sel.f medication to shcok treatments. Aunts, Uncles,and cousins. To the best of our calculation this goes back to my grandfather on my mothers side. At age 50-like me-stress pushed him over the edge. He never worked another day the rest of his life. Spent years in a cabin at their lake all by himself. I would have no human contact these days if I wasn't respnosible for the condition of my mother. She is well, living on her own and sharp mentally. She has post polio symdrome and needs me for any and all transportation and shopping, etc. She does not physically get around very well. but that is really her only problem. She has been a tower of stregnth and support through my ordeal and still is. She educated hersefl as best she could about my illnesses and is extremely careful not to push me or cause undo stress to me. Again I stress how lucky I am compared to others in this forum It has caused me to realize that my "stuff" although it is important to me, in the grand scheme of things it is rather minor. I just need to accept the fact that I may never know the real cause of my PTSD. I do however, actually feel guilty participating in this forum because I am not in the same class of pain as some of these people. I understand their pain and their dificults with life. I have everything they have ---just the guilt of NO REASON WHY I can't go out when ever I want. It can take me days to jst go to the store for milk. I have no visitors to my home and if by chance someone shows up I do not invite them in. If they have to come in I do not ask them to sit down and I wtand with them the entire time they are there. Can't deal with anyone in my safe space. Through my years of therapy I have been able to acquire places I can go. It's called my safe zone. One certain gas station, Walmart and the same doctors offices. That is the extent of my world. So this is my world, my story and my life guys. Thanx for listening and any imput you may have Hercules 3of 4--hercules is the 3rd cat I got out of my four cats I have:hello:

[nermal64]

That is really scary! Most people here know their demons. But yours are a mystery to you. From reading in this forum... I understand that you PTSD will not go away. You have to face it head on and slowly learn how to keep it somewhat "controlled". I hope with time, you will be able to expand your safe space to include more places. Wishing you some peace of mind! ~Norma

[anthony]

Herc, I would like you to do a mental imagery diary, if you don't mind, because I believe we can help trigger those hidden and suppressed memories. See how much pain your missing out on shall we? For you to heal and manage PTSD, you must know what your dealing with, so lets see what we can find.

[Marilyn_S]

Hello Herk,
Hay, trauma is trauma, pain is pain. Yours may be different but its no less valid. I'm new here too. Its kind of a new experience I think you'll find here, its called, "Acceptance". Good fortune in your journey and I'm glad you are here.
Take gentle care of yourself,
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

Just a note to say hope you are doing OK!

[Grama-Herc]

I feel the need to enter more info into my diary but not sure if it is the correct thing to do at this stage in my mess. Anthony wants me to do some mental imagery but I must confess that it scares the hell out of me and have pretty much refused to do it.

There is an incident in my life that "I" have chosen to ignore 99% og the time and did not mention to anyone, ever. A period in my life I would rather be able to forget or block out of my mind. Unfortunately, this is the one thing that I do remember and quite vividly I might add.

I was dating a fellow and as usual with me I decided to live with him before getting to know him very well. You would think afer years of poor choices in men I would have learned my lesson, but NO I chose to do it again. Late 1 evening we were argueing about something ????? when out of the blue, he picked me up and threw me across the room(Not an easy task since I am 6 feet tall and 185lbs) but he did it. He then jumped on top of me, pinning my shoulders on the floor and proceeded to choke me. It is true that your life flashes through your mind. I instantly thought about my daughter and how she would never know what happened to me. I have no idea why he let me go, but he did.

He picked me up and did what they all do--Oh honey I'm sorry I'll never hurt you again! Well, spent the night not sleeping in bed next to him. Went to work the next morning, saw a co worker and fell completely apart. Told my story and proceeded to go to the local police station, had him arrested and put in jail. Followed through with the court date and he got a 30 day suspended sentence which left him free to stalk me and stalk me and stalk me. This was in 1980 before stalking laws were available so finally my company transfered me. End of story I guess. He found me once by phone and call me at work which did send me screaming from my job, but never heard from him again and the ironic part of this is I CAN NOT REMEMBER HIS NAME---only the event and his face

[batgirl]

Hi herc, I hope it's okay for me to post in your diary, if not just tell me to get lost! I would totally understand that. :p

I understand about not wanting to do the mental imagery, I have done three total, basically one every 3 months, first one in January. The very first one was very hard, even though I haven't heard the results yet. I totally understand your apprehension. It can be pretty intense, even just have the images in your head. But I've tried to tell myself it's worth it.

Wow are you ever tall, I am envious, you could be a model! I am barely 5'1". I'm sorry such a shit thing happened to you and that you didn't get the proper support from the authorities (big surprise there...), but going to the police was so brave of you, you should really give yourself credit for that.

Anyways just wanted to say hi here, take care.

[Portabella]

Herc, I sure hope you don't mind that I am posting in here. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. I think you have terrible pain and to not remember the source, that is so scary, you must be petrified to remember. I think that if Anthony thinks he can help you with "Mental Imagery" you should put your toe in the water at least, you have to want to remember. I think that my demons are far less than yours as at least mine have a face. I wish you well with the courage to embark on your journey and hope you start the healing process soon.
(((Hugs)))
T.

[Marlene]

Herc,

Not remembering, remembering only partial things can be so rough. It lets your imagination try to fill in the blank spots of memory. It can also be frustrating when you know something is there, you can almost touch it, but it's just beyond your reach. I've found it very easy to beat myself up for not being able to remember big chunks of my initial trauma.

When I spoke with you face to face in April, you gave me a really good piece of advice that your therapist had given to you. It went along the lines of 'Don't worry about what you can't remember, don't beat yourself up for it. Work on what you can remember and deal with that'. I never thanked you for that, but I am now.

Keep pluggin away, hon.

Lisa

[anthony]

Herc, nobody can force you into anything you don't want to do, and I am nothing but honest with people here, that when they choose to want to really begin getting out their demons and tossing them about with others, it gets scary. No doubt when your ready, you will begin. What you have above is a beginning if you like, in that you have released one of your traumas.

So then, how do you feel now herc in relation to this incident? What do you remember most? The being strangled and the life flashing before your eyes no doubt?

[Grama-Herc]

That is the strangest part of this! I actually have no memory or feeling from this incident. It feels as if I am writing a report on something I read. It is all like a matter of fact. No emotions Just facts. The only sense of emotion is regarding the rest of the night. I spent it laying on the edge of the bed--as close as I could get to the edge. I needed as much space as possible away from him. And yet I did not leave. My feeling is if I moved he would wake up and do it again.

I can see in my minds eye the entire apartment and his face and the entire apt.complex. But my feelings and emotions are totlly numb. Anthony, this scares me I feel NOTHING!!!! That is not a very good sign, is it? I know I went to work the next day and to the police and eventually to court but there is no feeling or emotion attched to any of these events. Again it is like doing a book report on a lousy book I had read.

What does the lack of emotion mean? I am actually numb reliving this event and really have no feelings! In fact, the feeling is one of detachment. Quite unnerving

[kers]

The numbing, I agree, is quite freaky. It weirded me out when I realized most people don't go through life able to recount difficult events with no emotion. I sympathize because I have some choking stuff in my past, too. Shudder.

For me, the emotion came when I told my counselor about what happened in a truthful, honest way. So instead of being all, "it was no big deal," we talked about it being a Big Deal and a Damaging Event. Seeing it for what it really was helped me face it. I suspect that the more you let yourself think about and process the memory, the more feeling will come back.

[Grama-Herc]

Kers I have been trying to recover the memory of what ever is there most of my adult life. No luck!!! The therapists have decided that it is probably best that we "let this sleeping dog lay" It is apparently not something I can handle and my body knows it.

Worrying about it or trying to figure this puzzle out has actually caused me more harm than good. The stress of--oh my god, what horror is in my past- has caused many panic/anxiety attacks so I get to ignore this aspect of my illness, with permission. Not bad I think

[kers]

It is apparently not something I can handle and my body knows it.

Trusting your body to know what's best is definitely something I have learned from all this.

I hope things get better, Herc.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony!! The only thing that I can picture in my mind is my laying on the very edge of the bed ALL night. Scared to breathe or move or anything for fear of waking him. This is the most vivid due to the fact that this is when the fear was the most intense. And the longest in time. Feeling that fear all night, being afraid to move at all IS a true and really intense memory and to this day I can feel the fear. The things leading up to this fear are sketchy, and the actual incident is somewhat foggy but the rest of the night is extremely vivid.

It did serve me well for the rest of my life, I think?? If I have ever felt the slightest hint of any agression from anyone in my life I leave. In fact, I run!! I run til I can no longer even remember who or what triggered the response!!! Oh WELL isn't this interesting? Seems I have just revealed an interesting fact that I was not really aware of. I run from situations of any kind rather than facing them HUMMMMMMMMMMMM! I don't do confrontations either. I have some thinking to do on this

[anthony]

Anthony, this scares me I feel NOTHING!!!! That is not a very good sign, is it?
Actually, its perfectly normal herc. Your not supposed to just feel something, especially if your mind has regressed the memory, hidden it away because it caused you so much pain at the time. Its nothing new to block trauma... thats all it is, nothing more, nothing less.

Worrying about it or trying to figure this puzzle out has actually caused me more harm than good.
Nothing wrong with that IMO... atleast your thinking instead of ignoring it all.

Anthony!! The only thing that I can picture in my mind is my laying on the very edge of the bed ALL night. Scared to breathe or move or anything for fear of waking him.
So then herc.... you just expressed feeling from your trauma! You felt scared, you felt fear... so you do feel after all. Interesting where this is going...

If I have ever felt the slightest hint of any agression from anyone in my life I leave. In fact, I run!! I run til I can no longer even remember who or what triggered the response!!! Oh WELL isn't this interesting? Seems I have just revealed an interesting fact that I was not really aware of. I run from situations of any kind rather than facing them HUMMMMMMMMMMMM! I don't do confrontations either. I have some thinking to do on this
I must agree... you do have thinking to do, because you just found a trait you display, called "avoidance". You have it down to a fine art obviously, hence you willingness to keep things locked up inside you and avoid dealing with them. Amazing what can be found when the mind is provoked a little hey herc?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony. I am not ignoring you or your fantastic unput. I only have just gotten to a point where I can find my computer, let alone have a place to actually use it. Besides, I forget to check my diary for any new posting. Sorry. This move interrupted some really good progress and I am disappointed. But I will get back to it when I finally get my space back to normal. I have been putting my mom's life and space in order first. Less stress on her and MORE STRESS ON ME!! I am handling it surprisingly well though. Everyday more junk is thrown out the back door. Now if I can just get to the point where I can throw out the junk in my head. Hang in there with me CUZ it helps

[Grama-Herc]

New entry into my diary!!!! It will soon be just 10 weeks since the big move!!! This should put lots of interesting shit into my new entry. As if all the "stuff" I alredy have to deal with, I've now added more stress than ever into my disfunctional self! What on earth made me think that I was capable enough to care for, live with or be responsible for my mother. I can barely care for myself. I am in the middle of a preety intense attack of all my junk at the same time. Can't seem to wake enough to get out of bed, mom thinks I'm tking to many meds OR not taking them at all. She's freaked out over my melt down! I'm freaked out over my melt down and falling back into my really bad habit of EATING, and Eating and EATING!!! Anything and everything. This is my comfort. I am so miserable right now. I am actually home sick. I've got all my things here in my new place but it is not the same at all. I want this move to work for my mom's sake but I am not honoring myself right now. I realize this is not good, but I really don't know who to get myself out of this cycle I 'm in. Well, this was enlightening!!!!

[anthony]

Stop the eating immediately, you will only suffer more. Replace eating with a less destructive behaviour herc... go walk, have a coffee or tea, eat a piece of fruit only, but don't just eat, especially junk, you will only end up depressed and fighting a cycle that you will struggle with and just don't need.

[hodge]

Hi Herc,

I hope you don't mind me posting in your diary. I've just been wondering how you're doing and wanted to stop in and say hi.

Take care of yourself,
Hodge

[Grama-Herc]

It has been a while since I've made an entry into my diary. The chaos caused by mom and I moving in together is just now beginning to settle down. However; there is a new wrinkle in this move. Mom fell recently and messed up her back. She has gone to her chiropracter and he is having her come to him everyother day. Between shopping for food, other MD appointment, and this doc, I AM A MESS!!!!! I am so stressed!!!!!! Seems like I have not time to recover from the last outting I did not want to do!!

The move has, however; given me the opportunity to get mom to talk about me when I was a child. Seems I spent my childhood doing a lot of fainting. Children don't faint! I also had many, many episodes of vomiting--always in the middle of the night! I never had friends over for sleep overs. Never did sleep overs at friends houses. But, also seems that I really never had any friends! Therefore, seems to me, that my tramua must have happened when I was a pretty young child.

Some things are coming back to me as mom and I talk, but it is just her talking about stuff and THEN it comes back to me but not as a memory. The sense is more like listening to a story and "OH! really?" I keep replying to her stories by saying "Really"? I just am a blank. I know I am not supposed to worry or obcess about this but it is scary. What kind of demon is back there. What if I finally do remember? What will that do to me. How screwed up could I get by remembering?

I also have a trait that has always been a mystery to me. I can not watch scary movies. I can not ride amusement rides , and if someone sneaks up on me to scare me, well I burst into tears. I can not deal with being frightened in any way. My God, what terror lies in my past to cause this level of fear???? I am an adult. I should be able to watch horror movies without fainting or bursting into tears. Unable to ride even a merry-go-round in just nor normal!!

Well, diary, now that I am in a really panic/anxiety state, guess I stop for now. New things to think about? What has this entry revealed? We shall have to wait and see

[Grama-Herc]

I don't know if this is the type of diary I am use to keeping--the daily type? So if it is not will someone let me know because for now I am going to treat it a one.

Back to the doctor with Mom again today. The stress this has me under is so obivious I don 't know how she does not notice. We get home, I eat lunch and then go for my nap. My naps are usually 5-6 hours after going out into the word. Just is so hard on me. I just never get use to it.

I've had headaches, some pretty intense ones again! It has been a long time since these headaches have invaded my life. I know it is the stress of having no choice in whether I go out or not. Gotta go-period-!!! This is so dam hard, but I got no choice. I am slipping into my chasam of retreat, or what I call my "hiddy hole"!

I know my sleeping is my escape mechanism but I have this guilt that I am ignoring my mom when I say I', going to sleep. I feel like I am not careing for her properly!!! Well, I'll just pile on some more guilt on myself, that always helps! Will someone please tell me how to shut my brain off. Make the noise and guilt STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[anthony]

Go for your life herc.... daily, weekly, monthly; your diary, you use it as you desire.

[Grama-Herc]

Hey Anthony, thanks for the Go Herc

[Grama-Herc]

Well, after a week off from driiving mom to the doc office the merry-go-round starts again and this week is going to be a killer. We have some medical thing EVERY day. With my agoraphobia I need the next day off to recover from a "forced" outside trip. I am bitching but I certainly am not blaming my mom. It is my issue. These outings are suppose to help expand my ability to leave the house but they are causing me to retreat even more when given the chance. I am now to the point where if she has no appt. I will not go out at all. I use the days she has to go someplace to also run my errands, etc so I will not have to leave the house otherwise. I am getting more house bound than less. The car needs an oil change and I simply can't do it. Been there before but now I just can't do it. And my headaches, OH my headaches! They are getting worse and now I get them almost daily. They were gone for such a long time and I hate that they are back. I know it is self imposed stress. I have no idea how to relax. I wish I was normal, this stuff is getting so old. I just want to do things like normal people. Go out to dinner, go to the movies and maybe have an actual date without getting severe diahrea and having to cancel any plans I may have made. I always cancel everything I plan that involves other people. I have not been in a movie theater in probably 30 years, can't go out to dinner--I get to sick, and dating, well that is another matter all together! Have not had a date since 1992. In order to date one has to leave the house. It is difficult to meet someone IN THE HOUSE! I am complete isolated from the world and it is self imposed. Why can't I leave the house????

[Grama-Herc]

Yesterday was a very busy day and I actually went out to more than 1 place. Of course I had no choice in the matter and that is the most difficult part for me. I Did Not Want To!! I had to take mother to get her flu shot and then to the lab for testing. I actually stopped by a local store to shop a little, went to the grocery store and then came home, all while mom sat in the car. Today I am pretty much a zombie. Way to much outside time and I am no overload. One therapist I saw(only once) wanted to add OCD to my list of problems. I am beginning to believe her. Lately, I seem to be grabbing on to 1 thing in my mind and working it to death. Yesterdays' outing actually made me ill---physically sick. OVERLOAD

OMG!!!! Something just came back to me from my blank past. It was my job when I was a kid to clear the kitchen table. I had to scrap the uneaten food onto a newspaper and take it to the trash can and then wash the dishes. If I got any of that food on my hands I would get nausous and run to the bathroom to be sick. My Dad would tease me and call what I had "dish washers diahhrea". I was actually terrified to get any of what I considered garbage on my hands. I Sure am glad that I do not have any problem now with junk on my hands--I own cats!

HMMMM, seems a small snippet from my blank past is returning for no apparent reason. Oh Well! Maybe it will make sense to me some time. Sure does not now. But I am finally to visualize the kitchen in my childhood home for the first time in my mind. I can close my eyes and I can see every inch of the place. I spent a very large amount of my time in that kitchen. Reason being that I hated mashed potatoes and green peas and refused to eat them. My father thought it was a really good idea to make me eat that junk so I had to sit at the kitchen table until I did eat, no matter how long I sat there or how cold the stuff got. I would sit there even after everyone was finished and gone and had turned out the lights. So there I sat in the dark with cold mashed potatoes and green peas in front of me. Gee, think that made me somewhat stressed-wierd-sensitive-withdrawn-pick a condition! My dad was "such a prince". He once even made my sister eat something she did not like and she threw up on the kitchen table in the middle of dinner. I do believe that I can finally blame my PTSD on my father. Now the question is Why? What did he do to me??????????

[Grama-Herc]

Dear diary! LOL today I cleaned and re arranged my bathroom and bedroom. I do that entirely to often. I seem to rearrange-redecorate-repack WAY TO OFTEN. I think it has actually become an obsession with me. I've only been in the new townhouse since July 12th and I have redecorated the living room 4 times and the bedroom 3 times. I have repack the storage closet at least 5 times. I seem to spend the majority of my time shuffling shit(as I call it)

At least I did not have to go any place today. Just worked way to hard cleaning and moving furniture, etc. It seems the best way to keep myself from thinking or feeling. If I stay busy enoughn I won't care either.

My but being a PTSDer is hard to deal with. Oh well, guess it could be worse but I sure don't know how

[Grama-Herc]

Today has been interesting to say the least. Our minister came to visit mother. I can't recall the last time I worked so hard to impress someone. Well, I think impress might be to strong a word. Maybe it is better said that I wanted my mom to be proud of her new home. Made coffee and served pie mom made, then left them to their private time. She has been unable to go to church lately. Since she has such a strong faith and connection to her church I made arrangements for him to come for a pray visit and to give her communion.

We also had a big event that followed. The maintance people came and installed the electric stair climber we got. Now mom can come up stairs without putting herself in danger of falling. My, won't this help ease the STRESS in my life, or at least some of the stress.

I am in much better spirits now than I have been for the past couple of days. Guess I got over my "being mean to myself" phase. I feel a small sense of relief for some unknown reason. Who knows why, who cares why----at least I feel something. I think I need to change my focus! But it is so hard to shake off all of the negative junk in my head. I would much rather climb under the bed and disappear.

[Grama-Herc]

Recently I have made some rather obnoxious posts that were out of character for me. The guys in this forum reminded me and explained to me and helped me and what the hell, they put me in my place.

I am not the only person with PTSD or what I always thought were unusual symptoms. While the pain and problems still remain ever present in my life as well as everyone elses life, they have helped me relax. My days of having pity parties all by myself are over.

I need to accept the fact that the past is exactly that!! It is in the past and there is no way to change it. I will try to adjust my life to an acceptable level and work on being happy. Sounds like a lot more fun than what I have been doing lately. It seems that my private pity parties just aren't fun anymore.

[Grama-Herc]

Well diary do I have news for you. I got a phone call last night that put me on the floor. After missing from my life for about 12 years----MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME---OMG! I am still in shock and just thinking seems to be hard. We talked and cryed and talk and cryed. She not only is alive and well, she is fantastic! She got marrried to a fantastic(her sense) man who adores her, she has fabulous in laws and the most emotional part of this is I have a beautiful new granddaughter who is 11 days old!!!!!!

My daughter could not to apologize to me enough last night for cutting me out of her life. She cryed when she spoke of how she was not able to share the most important events of her life with me and how sorry she was to have caused me that much pain.

Now that she is a mother she has realized that I do love her. She said she looked into the face of her new baby girl and instantly knew that I do love her. That little face showed her the truth. I love my daughter with all my heart and would lay down my life for her and NOW SHE FINALLY KNOWS! She has looked into the face of that beautiful baby and finally realizes the true depth of my pain caused by her cutting me out of her life.

But the best part of this gift is we are back together with what appears to be a repaired relationship. I have a son-in-law, in-laws, a brand new grandbaby, my daughter back and NOW SHE KNOWS. I LOVE HER I WANT HER I FORGIVE HER

Now all I need to do is SEE HER TOUCH HER KNOW THIS IS REAL ! ! ! omg! ! !

[Grama-Herc]

Well, being able to share my joy with the friends I have made here in the forum has meant so much to me. I have no friends or outside people to truly share with so the folks here mean a lot to me. Sharing this happy time has however given me a small case of guilt because so many of them have the same family pain I had with my daughter. I hope my story has given them hope rather than caused them any pain.

[She Cat]

Herc,

Yes some of us here have had, or are going through the same thing that you have been through with your daughter. It's nice that you can think about us at this time, but IMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU have every right to be happy, excited and screaming with joy.

As I am one of those people......ENJOY this new found happiness. You deserve it Herc...

Many many hugs.....

[Marlene]

Herc,

Enjoy this moment, enjoy your family.

Lisa

[Grama-Herc]

The response from you guys means so very much to me! Consider this a very big THANK YOU CARD.

[Grama-Herc]

Good morning to myself. I wish me a good day and relief from the headache I've had since the 23rd of November. That is the day my daughter came back into my life.

I am going to have a good day, a day full of positive input and happy thoughts and lots of smiles and fun.

[Grama-Herc]

Well guys, things may have taken a turn in my life I am not to sure about. While I have always made a joke to my mom that we would know if she had alzheimers when she put her undies on outside of her clothes, an incident occurred yesterday that really threw me for a loop. She got extremely aggitated over something she could not find. It is something she has not had in a while and when I suggested that maybe we just got rid of it when we were going through the "packing purge" She lost it. Well, that's not what happened she says. "I would not do that" "Why would I get rid of it". "What did YOU do with it". "I need it" "Where it is." "It is in this bag bc I saw it just yesterday and I want it."

This scared me. It is very much out of character for her. She has been going through her old snapshot and expressed the fact that she was home sick. When I asked her home sick for where, she replied her old place. This is the first time she has expressed any thing like this. It has been about 4 months since the move and we had to purge her life of the majority of her belongings. I am just wondering if that reality has finally sunk in.

We see her doc in January and I will be telling him about this for sure! It sure looked like some of the anger outbursts I've seen on TV shows about alzheimers. Now I just have to not let this freak me out untill the. Just need to file this away in that never mind file I have in my head.

Anyway, self, spend the day watching 2 football games with Mom and enjoy every minute of it and TRY TRY TRY not to argue with her or correct anything her says.

[Grama-Herc]

Today is the day after christmas and things have settled down. As I reflect on this past year, quite a lot has changed in my life. As a person who does not handle changes were well, I am actually very proud of myself for the way I HAVE managed to deal with everything.
1) had to euthanize one of my beloved cats
2) moved into a new townhouse-rental--!
3) mother moved in to live with me
4) my world was divided in half with little to no privacy
5) my next cat became extremely ill and is on heart medication
6) MY daughter came back into my life
7) I became a Grandmother

Quite a list for someone who can not handle changes! I have actually done very well and as I look at my list I see that as things and tragities go, I was very lucky this year

I have my health and Mother has hers' too! We have been blessed over 2007 with a few bumps in the road to remind us of how lucky we really are.

Diarry, I hope 2008 will be filled with the same. I wish "ME" a happy New Year! ! !

I do however, have 1 very big wish PLEASE let me see my new grandbaby while she is an infant! Mother and I need to see an infant---not a toddler---an infant. Mother especially needs that. She has only 2 grandchildren and never saw either one of them untill they were walking.

This baby , the ONLY Great Grand Baby, needs to be seen and held NOW by her great grandma.

[pandora]

Grama-Herc.....I wish you only the best for 2008. I hope you get to see your grandbaby. There is also a new medication out to slow the progression of alzheimers.....I forget the name of it right now but I know there are meds to help. Take good care of yourself.

[pandora]

I remembered it......aricept. I know my grandmother takes it.

[She Cat]

Yes and there is also the drug Namenda for memory problems too.

Sorry I haven't responded to many of your post, just too depressed, and now sick with a cold.

Enjoy the new baby and 2008.

[Grama-Herc]

I appreciate the info on the meds for mom. I think as time goes on I am correct in my sense that she is slipping into early alzhimers. But thank goodness she is having less and less agitation or at least she is trying to control it bc we don't seem to be argueing as much. Of course, that could also be because I am more aware and I am trying not to correct her all he time. It may be wrong but I am just letting her think whatever she wants to think. If I don't try to correct her we get along with no trouble.

It is so hard to watch her slip away from me. My mom is my only connection to the world. She is the only person in my life. What in the hell am I going to do when she goes? Who is gonna keep me safe? Who is going to nudge me to go outside? Unless I have to do something for mom I do not go out. I will wait till I go out for her to get anything I need. OMG What am I going to do? I am so terrified!

I did not realize this had crept into my brain again. Maybe I need to do some intense visits to my shrink again. Lost my insurance that was paying for him so it's been a while. But I think the time has come to see him at least once anyway. Oh dam diary. Why do I keep gooing to this dark and scarey place???????

[She Cat]

Herc,


I think that the fear comes from the thoughts of being totally alone(after your mom is gone.) Not to many people like being alone, so it's scary for you.

You are also going through a lot of emotional things with her, her illness, and your daughter being back in your life again. You are in a whirlwind of emotions.

We tend to look at the negative side of things, or we wait for the other shoe to drop. We are always waiting for the bad to happen, so much so, that we fail to see the good things that come our way.

Weather you know it or not, this will be your time to give back to your mom. Time that she gave to you growing up, you can give back and make her comfortable and help her with her problems. It will be hard, but I have faith that you can do this.

Try to look for the rainbow, instead of the clouds....

[Grama-Herc]

SHE

How right you are. I left my home town as a very young woman and proceeded to live my life and manage to screw it up, some times beyond repair. That is a long story however for another time.

I moved back to my home town and my mom in 1991 for 2 reasons. The first one was I must confess selfish. I missed my mom but more important, I knew she was getting older and would be needing help. My sister has a life in upper Michigan with a job and a family, etc and she was not going to be able to help mom from way up there.

I was not exactly the best kid ever born and over the years caused mom more than her share of pain. I felt that I owed her a safe and comfortable life. She deserves to enjoy her life and not have to worry or fret for any reason. That is why I am here

I do all the cleaning, shopping, driving anything she needs and all she has to do is cook for me. I made this rule with her because it keeps her thinking and moving. She is still fairly sharp mentally, but she has her momments. I just don't think it is a good idea for her to nothing to do.

I am doing anything I can to repay her for all the time and love and energy and faith she has put into making me the person I am today.

This has put a tremondous strain on me. The agoraphobia is difficult to manage when she needs to go for lab test or doc visits. But it has its good side too. Pushes me to go out, pushes me to interact with people. I have to---got no choice. Sometimes I do get overloaded and I think that if you watch my writings here you can see when that happens.

I love and appreciate my mom beyond words. Do not know where I would be without her. She is my rock. Her support emotionally, as well as financially, when I was in the hospital was unreal. In fact, as time goes by we get closer and closer. Sometimes I feel that my illness has help our relationship. I know that sounds crazy, but by finally finding out why I did the things I did, etc, she has a better understanding. The insanity of my actions over the years makes sense to her and now she can quit assuming that she did a bad job of raising me. She now knows it is not her fault!!!!!!!

Believe me when I say I love my mom and appreciate every minute she is in my life. I don't think I can ever fully repay her for everything she has given me---and I'm not talking about "stuff"

[Grama-Herc]

Well diary it is now 2008. I am wake as usual when the rest of the world is sleeping. Just took my meds so now I just wait for them to begin working. The last thing I did in 2007 was talk to my daughter---my daughter--dam that sounds good! Not sure if I should use her name here but can't hurt I guess. Need the practice. Been years since I've even said her name. Was just to painful. Her name is Lori. My daughter Lori. This is just to cool. We had a great conversation, felt good. We still have those occasional silent awkward pauses, but in general doing very well under the circumstances.

I spoke with my new son-in-law for the 1st time this evening. He seems to be very nice and polite with a good sense of humor.

I have a new problem creeping into my thoughts and I don't like what is happening. I found myself this evening resenting the other gandparents because they were with my grandbaby and holding her and enjoying her. There is enough junk rarrling around in my head on a daily basis and I don't need more unhealthy junk creeping in. Logic is not working---------------------! How can I resent people I don't even know I once heard a term used that seems to fit many circumstances I am in or that I think I am in .

It is called Awfullizing. It really is not a word I don't thhhhink but it is what I am doing Dam it and I don't like it.

[She Cat]

Herc,

I think what might be going on with you is this......You KNOW that your daughter/grand baby are ok....But you need to feel it/see it/touch it to really fully make it real for you. Knowing that others have this, and you don't can be upsetting. Try and remember when you get this feeling, just how lucky you are that your daughter reconnected with you. Try and be satisfied with what you have right now. I know it's hard, but don't let the feelings get control, otherwise they get OUT of control.

Hang in there, I do know how hard it is.

[Grama-Herc]

Since "2008" has officially begun I have some serious issues to address. My memory/recall of what in the hell happened to me is the first. I want to get better and I think this is the first step on that path.

I want to get better, I want a life and friends and all the things that go with it! Right now my only friends are the people on this forum. That is why I got so pissy this Christmas. The holidays were here and all my friends were gone. I took it as they did not care about me. This was some seriuosly warped thinking. But it does explain a lot and has made me realize that I've got some serious work to do this year

Through this forum I have come to realized that I CAN NOT continue my isolation.
This is not only unhealthy, but it is also dangerous for me.

I say dangerous because my future rests on my ablility to interact with people and have them around me. I am completely and totally dependent on my mother for all of my social and emotional needs.

If I do not begin now to develope a circle of people around me I am going to be in serious trouble when her time comes. She is 83 and I need to face this fact of life. I am not trying to be morbid. I am finally looking at this as a fact of MY life.

If I do not begin to address this major issue in my life and get the agoraphobia under some kind of managable control I will be in serious trouble. Just the thought of what this is going to require has set my anxiety alarm off. Isolation is never healthy. At least, at this point, I have Mom here to interact with. What is going to happen when I don't? I must get back into the real world.

So where to begin? Addressing my trauma may be the key---maybe not. But I need to start somewhere and that is as good a place to start as any.

When I realized that I depend completely on the forum for my contact with people it scared me beyond words. This is not good, especially for my mental state. I no longer have any people or social skills. I do not know how to act around people anymore. While it has been a very long time since I have interacted with anyone in the outside world on a one to one basis I do know that I tend to say inappropriate things. This was tactfully pointed out by my mom.

I get so nervous that I ramble, loudly, about anything. I interupt people all the time and am taken as just simply being a very rude person. And I am not. I just don't know what to act in public anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I want to deal with people. Maybe I should just work on being comfortable shopping, taking myself out to dinner or going to a movie and forget about having people in my life. HUM Sound good to me

[Grama-Herc]

Today my life took an unexpected turn that has thrown me into a very strong tail spin. I am not quite sure what set me off----well actually I do. Just don't want to discuss it right now. But it has frightened me. This has popped up out of nowhere. My issue is something that I have felt before but NEVER mentioned to anyone ever! This is a very scarey feeling and goes to a lack of control of my life. I feel I am loosing touch with what I am doing. I am frightened beyond words.

I am scared that if I say the words---it will make this true! God help me, I dont know if I could handle this one. I can barely breathe I'm so terrified! And what do I tell Mom. She keeps asking me questions and I do n ot want to open my mouth right now. At least she is watching the football game so it will keep her busy for a while.

Today is not going to be a very good one.

[She Cat]

Herc,

I hope things calmed down for you. Hang in there.

[Grama-Herc]

Well diary, today was a day to go out and it was hard. Waited a long time--an hour to be exact--which is way to long for me to be out in a crowd. Slept the rest of the day.

I guess that this diary area is really intended for us to relate and release our traumas. Again, there is something I can't participate in. I don 't know what the hell is wrong. Why I can't recall.

Did some research on line about fainting/syncope in children. Made quite a few discoveries that may help to shed some light on this mess I'm in.

Seems that many of the indicators for PTSD in a child follow the lines of my childhood. Shyness is in the list along with the vomiting and of course the fainting. The one thing that seemed to surprise me was the fact that sexual abuse DID NOT necessarily have to be the cause of this. I even discovered that this would have been caused sometime around ages 5-7.

Nothing is coming back yet but I know it will, just scared of when it will. I do feel better thought now that I know this PSD does not necessarily mean that I was abused.

The research said that verbal abuse can be a cause as well as an emotional situation. That info sure felt good to hear.

[Grama-Herc]

I started a thread and asked a question comparing being shy and being fearfull. I got an answer from Anthony that has created some memories? My dad was a very cold father. I asked mom about this and she has validated my feelings. He called me stupid and told me I was a quitter. He was distant and extremely critical of me. I never did anything right. He made it known to me in no uncertain terms that he was disappointed that I was a girl. He wanted a boy and tryed in many ways to turn me into one(My sense)

I was forced to pull weeds on the side of our house where anyone could see, and I was in highschool then. I was devastated that someone from school might see me.

Dad had a cabin cruiser and I was forced to go out with him on weekends instead of spending time with my friends like other typical teenage girls. All he ever did on that dam boat was anchor out in the bay and float around drinking beer. Usually it was just the 2 of us, but some times other boats would tie up with us and then there was a group of drunk adults. I hated that boat.

Mom says that dad would belittle me infront of his friends and tell me again how stupid and dumb I was. She has also told me how sorry she felt for me and my embarrassment She says I would go down into the cabin and cry and then spend the rest of the day down there. I apparently was not a very happy child.

Mom has apologized to me for not stepping in and trying to get Dad to stop his treament of me. I wonder why she did not, but my sense is she was scared of him.

When I was 9 1/2 my sister was born. I had to get rid of my cat because it might hurt the baby AND I had to give up my room. The baby needed it! My father converted our porch into a bedroom for me, BUT it was dark, cold and while it was attached to the house it was sealed off with no windows. It was off the kitchen and truly felt as if it was not even part of the house.

As I sit here writing I can actually feel myself in my bed in that cold, dark and damp room curled up in a ball crying? ? ? ? ?

I know now that he did not love me. He loved my sister. He would play with her, They would laugh. He showed her affection. I remember watching him play with her and while I stood off to the side watching anfd feeling left out.

I was good enough to help with building an addition to the house, but not good enough to spend time with---unless it was to benefit him. I should have been a boy! I heard that. Your are so stupid, heard that too.

"I want a guitar" The answer was no, you will just quit it like everything else. I'm not going to waste the money on you.

I hate that this is getting so long, but shit is pouring into my brain and I need to express it. From the time my sister was born, I was the babysitter. I had no choice, even when I was in high school. I could not go out with my friends. I had to babysit. I had no childhood or teenage life. If I wasn't pulling weeds or building an addition, I was stuck at home caring for my sister. My only escape was "that dam boat" and that.

Right no I feel like I've walked up to a solid wall. I am blank, numb and just staring at a blank void. My mind shut down the minute I typed the last words--that dam boat! ! I am now taking very deep breathes and feel numb. AND VERY VERY SAD If anything is misspelled it is going to stay thst way. I can not read this right now.

[anthony]

Herc, well done. You came to the realization that your father treated you poorly, he didn't love you as you say. Nothing you can do to change that though, only he could change that within you by showing you love. Why did you go blank on the boat though Herc? What about the boat? What did you do when you used to go in the cabin whilst adults where getting drunk outside?

[Grama-Herc]

The Boat!

I have no idea what I did once I went into the cabin. I can now recall sitting on the very top of the cabin enjoing the wind and sun. Unless of course it was FREEZING outside. Seems weather never stopped him. Rain, sleet,wind or hail-----Mother used to get so made at him for taking me out in unsafe weather. I remember him outrunning a funnel cloud one time--now that was scarey.

Things are pouring back, Anthony, and it is a little scarey.

There were a few other kids on the other boats, sometimes. The adults used us a bar tenders. I have the sense of me saying "one for me and one for them", and laughing. Very possible that I was drinking too, but parents did not know. Just realized that some times my Mom WAS there too. Can't identify the other kids.

I did enjoy the wind and sun on my face. Like I said I would sit way up on the very tippy top of the flying bridge, alone ALONE, away from him in the safety and quiet. If this does not completely make sense it is because I am typing the words as they come to me without thinking.

We also would take weekend trips to other cities along the Florida coast that had boat docks for overnighters. We would take the dog. One night the dog got out and ran off and my dad chased his down and beat the shit out of him for running off and he was MY DOG.

Through all this afore mentioned crap, I had a baby sisiter. Funny, but I do not see her in any of this.(referring to the weekend trips and the times that mom was with us). My sister was born when I was 9 and I remember -ZERO-Nothing-NADA about her existance, except, "isn't she the cutest little thing".

All the crap I've been saying happen when I was older, I think. My sense is I was in high school with all this boat crap, but I also know that Dad got his first cruiser when I was in my early teens, even younger. Notice I said his cruiser, not ours! He ws also a very selfish person. Selfish with everything especially love.

Sorry I still can't get my mind to release what ever it was that I did once I went into the cabin. I am feeling cold and damp and uncomfortable though as I sit here and think about it. I am also so angry at him I hate the man. He is dead so issues will simply go unsolved. He was mean and seflish and cold and distant and did not love me like he did my baby sister, but I guess that is another subject for another time

Deep breathe, shake off the creepies I seem to have felt thru this and relax, if possible.

[anthony]

Like I said I would sit way up on the very tippy top of the flying bridge, alone ALONE, away from him in the safety and quiet.
Why was it safe their and not with "him"?

Selfish with everything especially love.
Why do you say that herc?

He was mean and seflish and cold and distant and did not love me like he did my baby sister
Why would he love your babysitter Herc?

[anthony]

Herc, are you medicated presently? Also, do you have a therapist that your seeing regularly? And lastly, do you have the number of emergency on your fridge if you need them? Please answer these thanks.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony, I am very safe. Mom is here with me and I would NEVER cause her the kind of hurt you are hinting at. So don't worry about that

See, the problem is, that these words are flowing out of me at a rapid pace and I don't have answers for most of your questions.

I know he loved my sister cuz I had to give up everything because of her. I didn't matter, she did. She ----I just froze in place when I typed the word she. I can see her sitting on Dad's lap jumping up and down smiling and laughing and he is too. He plays with her and not me. I wanted to say he didn't play with me anymore, but I don't think he ever did.

My dad traveled for his work. He left early on Monday mornings and came home late on Thursday nights. I got hives all over my body every Thursday night and they went away by early Monday mornings ? ? ? ? ? Connected ya think

He was selfish because it was his needs and his wants that counted. He wanted and got his boats. I wanted a dog--NO. I wanted a cat--NO He wanted a stupid parakeette--he got it. I wanted to go out with my friends--NO. I had to go with him on that stupid boat.

I was suppose to learn all the language and ways of boating------fore and aft and stem and stern and how to throw a line and how to dock a boat and tie is off and ALL THAT KIND OF CRAP. And god help me if I did any of it wrong. He would vebally embarrass me infront of anyone within hearing range. I was stupid and how could I be so dumb. Do it again and this time get it right, in fact do it over and over UNTIL you get it right.

Anthony, I am currently on meds and take them faithfully. I am not now seeing a T. but do have an appointment to see my primary md. He helps alot. My medical does not cover my T anymore.

But I have reached out to 2 people I know well and they are on notice. If Mom or me call they have agreeded to come running. It means a lot to me that you are this concerned. It also means-----I am about to recall all the crap from the past---doesn't it?

Did I ever tell you that mom asked me if my dad ever "did anything"? She asked because he always sent her to bed first and said he would be in later. She never knew why nor did she ever ask or check. She says he never hurt or abused he but she was difinately under his control. I say this because she is different now. They divorced in 1965 during my final exams from my senior year. My mom is a strong woman now and has a mind of her own. She did not then. I remember her telling me now don't tell your dad. That was said if I got something new--drerss,toy,dinner out, etc. Anything I got other than what the money he gave her for bills or groceries bought then I was not to tell him about it. She would scrimp on groceries so when he was olut of town working we could go out to eat as a treat, but we could not tell him.

Sorry, got off the subject, but it is coming back, maybe a little to quick for me.

[anthony]

Herc, yes, you are about to go into a meltdown, I have no doubt, and actually I am hoping to even push you into it.... unfortunately you need to face these fears and your mind wants to do that now... so let it go I say, just have backup to help you.

You mentioned above, "I know he loved my sister cuz I had to give up everything because of her" but that is not what I asked, nor what you said previous. You said, "he loved the babysitter more than he loved me." You also didn't answer what your mother asked you, did your father abuse you? What did he or another do in that cabin with you Herc?

[Grama-Herc]

AH the babysitter was a typo! But then it might not be. Anthony, I WAS THE BABYSITTER. OMG!!!! this is scarey

The abuse part and the cabin is still a b lack void or a blank. Take your pick. A lot of things are coming back to me but so far--nothing in the cabin, but I can see the inside of more than 1 cabin. There a 3 cabins. 2 are boats my dad owned but 1 of them isn't. can't place it or its owner.

My answer to mom was "I don't know. That;'s the problem" But I sure do have 1 hell of a headache right now. In fact, I've had 1 for several days. Doing deep breathing right now. Any more questions I can try and answer?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony, what ever happened in the cabin, happened in the cabin of dads first boat--my age would be early teens. I can see every inch of that cabin and the others are not so clear. But I don't see anyone there with me.

My body right now is one huge knot. Every muscle is tight and I am so tense I can babely breath

Breathing seems to come up a lot in my posts, have ya noticed? Why would difficulty breathing be an issue?

[anthony]

Ok, lets go a different route then, please do the following here:

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?
Q2. What texture is the road?
Q3. How solid is the road?

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?
Q5. What does the water look like?
Q6. How fast is the water current?
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?
Q9. What condition is the house in?
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?
Q12. What condition is the cup in?
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

Tryed this exercise and all I see is a white page witha road outline winding off into ther horizon. The line drawing the road is black. But no color, no texture, no sights, no sounds. It is simply 2 black wavy lines side by side on a white background and void of anything else

Got a vision a couple of times, but I recognize it. It is my safe place I have invented in my mind. I mentally go there to relax and regroup and enjoy the feelings when I am there. Sorry

[anthony]

Herc, you must read each question and respond one at a time, not read it entirely then attempt to achieve the tasks. I doubt your that dis-functional with anxiety presently as you can type.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

I do not think you last comment calling me dis-functional was called for. Whether you are aware of my sensitivity to my intelligence being questioned or not, the comment was unnecessary.

Aside from that, I have not learned how to cut and paste and have no copier, so completeing the imagery would be somewhat difficult. But these are not the problem. When I tell you how far I get with the road, that is as far as I get.

You have no idea how long it takes me to type my posts and how much correcting I have to do before I'm done.My anxiety level is not indicated by my typing ability.

While I have a learning disability and have a difficult time comprehending written instructions, I understand this exercise. I should not be chastized for being unable to complete it.

What on earth have I done to you to be on the receiving end of that comment?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

The more I think about your remark the more upset I become. I would like nothing more than to complete the imagery exercise and get to the bottom of my issues. I do not like the massive holes in my life.

Did you ever stop to consider that my coming to the forum is actually very difficult for me.

While it causes me to think, concentrate and get my brain in another place, it also unfortunately causes me so much anxiety that I prespire profusely. Sometimes I am dripping wet after spending time here.

But I push on and continue because of the help I am receiving. This site has helped me to open many doors into this thing called PTSD and for that I am greatful. But how dare you make such a comment regarding my anxiety level just because I can still type in a coherant manor. What? If I typed in poor english, made massive spelling errors and my posts were just plain jiberish, then would you think my condition real? or worse.

I redirect my mind, my racing thoughts, my panic and especially my anxiety by the concentration it takes to type, read and correct the mistakes. The actual act of posting and thinking about what I want to say is theraputic for me.

If your intent was to piss me off, you succeeded. If you had any other intent, well you failed.

Thank you for letting me vent

[anthony]

Herc, my intent was not to piss you off, but to simply be honest. Very very rarely in life, a person presented with questions can be so dis-functional that they simply cannot answer any type of question, though when they are in that way they also cannot type, they have very little conscious effort, hence why I say to you, your not that dis-functional to answer questions.

Here is the problem Herc.... your not doing what I ask you to do, your thinking about your responses instead of just replying to the questions. You said it above, your thinking.... stop thinking, just write the first thing that comes to your mind after each question.

Herc, lets do this a different way..... please answer the following. Stop thinking, just read it, and answer the three questions asked please. Don't elaborate to what you want to write that has nothing to do with the questions, don't think outside the box, just read each question please and provide the answer that comes to you.

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?
Q2. What texture is the road?
Q3. How solid is the road?

[anthony]

Herc, don't run away from this please.... you need to face it, regardless what your going through, you need to face this for your own self.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

I an not running anymore. I ran my entire life through booze and drugs and just plain denial. I did have some more things come back today while speaking with a friend on line. I told her that my dad was the cause of my bad reactions to life. That is a strange thing to say.

I also told her that I was terrified of my father. All he had to do was call out my name and I would burst into tears. Just hearing his voice terrorized me. Have I mentioned the hives I had?

[anthony]

Ok Herc, then no more running, that means.... can you please read the following carefully and answer one at a time thanks.

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?
Q2. What texture is the road?
Q3. How solid is the road?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony, I need to ask a question. Have I ever told you about how when my mom went to bed, my dad would always tell her he would be in "in a little while."

We were talking when she told me this and she said that she does not know why she never questioned him about it. She always wondered what he did during that time, but never asked. It was during this conversation that she asked if he ever "did anything to me"

Mom is sharing lots of things that happened when I was little---really little. The last story she told was about when I was maybe 3 or4 .. I had used my coloring crayons and colored on my bedroom wall. Dad repainted the wall and I did it again. This caused him to loose his temper. He yelled at me, then proceeded to break every one of my crayons, throw them in the trash and whip me within an inch of my life. My grama was there and mom said that grama's reply was "stop him, he's gonna kill her".

I do not remember this event at all but that had to affect me. I am probably grabbing at anything I can think of to explain this shit is my head, aren't I?

Anything to avoid taking a trip down Anthony's dam road!

Input anybody?

[grace5555]

The memories will probably come in waves, Herc - just remember when they come that the pain will recede just a little and it will get better - one minute at a time....

[anthony]

I know your avoiding it Herc.... but you cannot do so for long if you want my help... you need to take a trip down my road in order to help yourself. I understand your scared, you know what the trip does to a person with sub-conscious memory recall.... no doubt your shit scared, but this is in your best interest Herc, not mine.

[Grama-Herc]

Oh Anthony, I know, but I really only see a black and white outline of a road. It has a feeling of softness. I see white clouds and off in the distance is a small house. A teeny tiny little house.There is a blue bird soaring above my head and he is the only color in my picture.I see a chimney on the house with smoke coming out of it. The house has 1 small window.

[anthony]

Herc, well done, though lets not get ahead off ourselves please... you need to do this at the pace I set, otherwise it will fail under your current state of anxiety.

Now, Question 2 Herc.... What texture is the road? Rough, smooth, bumpy, pot holes, hilly, etc

[Grama-Herc]

the road is smooth

[anthony]

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?

[Grama-Herc]

there is a small ornate arched bridge because the river is not very big. It is more like a small winding creek

[anthony]

What does the water look like?

[Grama-Herc]

it is rippling, wavy and a tourquise color

[anthony]

How fast is the current?

[Grama-Herc]

my 1st impression---- the current was fast but no white water

[anthony]

Is there anything in the water?

[Grama-Herc]

No, in fact it is clear and you can see the bottom--pretty white sand

[anthony]

You come to a house,

What colour is the teeny tiny house you see?

[Grama-Herc]

Right now it is only an outline. Si I guess it is a whitr house

[Grama-Herc]

My mind has wondered back to the day I was placed in the hospital. The 1 thing I remember so clearly was I kept telling anyone who would listen "I'm so tired" "I'm just so tired" I was not sleepy. I was worn out.

I had finally given up the fight. The fight to keep my ducks in a row had been lost. I could no long keep up the front I showed the world. I was no longer the together, organized and competent person.

To be able to finally give up control of an uncontrollable situation felt so good. Of course, I had no clue what was ahead of me. Guess if I had I would not have been so willing to go through that door. HA hind sight being 20/20

[Grama-Herc]

My Fun and eventful trip to the hospital. Or as I like to call it "An idiot in the hospital"

My employer and my therapist tricked me into the hospital. I was refusing, using every excuse I could think of. Even tryed to use the fact I had new born kittens to care for--nothing worked. I had to go. If I did not put myself into treatment I would be fired on the spot. Of course, at the time that didn't seem like such a bad idea. LOL

So, I packed 3 t shirts, the tv guide, clean undies and socks for 3 days. They told me I would be there--- aaa --3days. 3 days, that was all I would need. I'd be laying around in bed, watching TV and resting. I would get my meds and some advise and then be home. WHAT A PILE OF S--T they fed me.

That was Sept 19th. I wasn't released untill Nov. 11th. 3 days my ass. I went in on a Friday afternoon. I had no clothes. I had no possessions , since upon entry some woman took everything away from me including my car keys.

I had to sign out my tooth brush, shampoo, etc. every time I needed them. They were locked up in the room I later discovered was the nurses office, the med room and that woman was the nurse.

The roommate they asigned to show me around and learn who, what, when, where and how was on a weekend pass. Apparently no one was aware of that fact. So being already over the edge, I never left my room untill Sunday after noon when some guy I'd never seen came in and told me I "HAD" to attend group. My response---what the hell is group? He just walked out. Ok, so this group thing was being held in the TV room. I would go, so at least I would know where the TV was cuz there was no TV in my room!

I entered the TV room to find a rather large crowd of people. It was Family Group Day. There I was in my longest T shirt, panties and a pair of socks. Remember, I still got no clothes at this point. That was fun! There was no place to sit. I found a corner, sat down on the floor and said NOTHING!

My outing did help me discover where the food came from, and I was finally able to eat. So ate and went back to my room. Remember I got no clothes. Sunday evening I stuck my head out my door and asked the 1st person I saw where the phone was. I needed to call home for clothes. WELL! The phone was only available from 6-7, it was 8pm! Oh and by the way, it was a pay phone. Remember, I got no clothes, no stuff, AND no quarters!

Next a woman came in my room to inform me that my testing would begin in the morning. OK! At 4 am in came a crowd of people. They flipped on the lights, asking me my name and proceeded to draw blood from my arm. EGADS! They were gone a fast as they arrived.

Finally my roommate returns from her weekend pass. Seemed surprised to see me there. Apparently, when she left she knew nothing about me. Finally I was shown around and learned who, what, when, where and how.

More later in this exciting adventure of an idiot in a hospital!

[She Cat]

Herc,

You were NOT an idiot. You were a scared person that had been literally stripped of everything. I would have freaked. 2 months you spent there??? I never would have made it a week. You DID GOOD!!!!!

[Grama-Herc]

Let's see, where did I leave off. Oh yes! My roommate returns, shows me around and I finally got to start eating. The food was not bad

Once in the regular morning group I knew I was in the wrong place. These people are drunks and druggies-sorry-no offense meant, but, I'm gonna call my T and get the hell outta here. "HA" Guess what--it's not phone time and I still have no quarters.

Ok, I'll go for a walk around the grounds. Wrong, seems I'm not allowed to leave the building. I'm on suicide watch. "HA" I got no clothes. Where the hell am I going to go.
The only place I was allowed was the smoking patio, which made no sense to me since no one of any importance can SEE the smoking patio and walking off would be way to easy. The sad part---I had been of cigarettes since May 30th. I lasted 5 days before I went back to smoking. "HA" guess what---- no money--no smokes.

Oh happy day, I discovered that the van took people to the nearest drug store once a week. My roommate was kind enough to buy me some smokes and get me some quarters. At 8 pm that night I was on the phone to Mom. HELP!

I need clothes, money, books, shoes and someone to take care of the cats. WELL, never send your mother to pick out your clothes when you have had a recent collapse. I was dressed like a bag lady. The clothes either didn't fit or didn't match.This was my wardrobe for 2 weeks.

I went to all the groups, did everything I was told to and was a very good patient, UNTILL I found out that since I was off suicide watch and was required to go to the AA meeting with the rest of the folks. WHAT! ! I'm here cuz I'm crazy. I don't drink, anymore. OK into the van and off to my first AA meeting at a local church. WELL, the next evening at 8 pm I got my quarter and called my T. Get me the hell outa here! Nope, gotta stay. Sorry he tells me. Sorry?

And as for that woman who took my stuff? She was the nurse who gave out the drugs, and my tooth paste and my hair brush. Never piss off the woman with your meds. Found that out the hard way. Hell, I just wanted my car keys. Oh well! ! !

While I know I am making light of all this, it really was funny. Stuck up there with no clothes, no shoes, no money and no clue. Took me over a week to even open my mouth in group. Found out later they were all betting on exactly what my problem was and what I did to get there.

I learned a lot while I was there and they helped me so much. I can never repay the fabulous people who treated me while I was there. My therapy continued after d/c with the guy who sent me there in the first place.

He was some sort of an interventionist and a licensed couselor and I simply adored him. Hated when my insurance would not let me see him any more. Have not been able to find another T. since that I like.

I will end this chaper of "An idiot in the hospital" for the evening. More later

[anthony]

What condition is the house in Herc?

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony
Can I decided the condition or do I have to be able to "see" the condition of the house? If I can decide, then it is a wreck. It needs paint, the shutters are falling off, the yard is overgrown with weeds and vines. It looks like an abandoned house with trash inside. It is basically destroyed.

If I have to see the house then I can't tell the condition of the house.>

[Grama-Herc]

Well, mom and I were having our usual talking time after dinner and the subject of my dad and their breakup came around, again! This time however, was different. She told me things about the actual day the "shit hit the fan"

While I don't think this is the source of my PTSD beginning, it sure as hell did not help. My idiot father drove into our garage with the "other woman" in his car and proceeded to tell mom they were in love and wanted to marry. Needless to say, mom went into fits of rage and tears. What kind of ass hole brings the other woman with him when he is going to destroy a family?

Anyway, Mom says she yelled at me something to the effect of "Do you want to know what a whore looks like? Well, there is one right there, look at her, she is why your daddy does not love us anymore." Then Mom said she kept yelling Whore till they left. I remember not one momment of this and I was 17 years old.

My sister went missing from this and we could not find her. She was only 7. We finally found her curled up in the fetal position in the back of mom's closet--according to mom. She said I went all over the neighborhood looking for my sister---I remember none of this. My sister's trauma from this has affected her entire life

I'm sorry, but my response to this just is not normal. I should remember this event. And don't lecture me about "normal".

[Grama-Herc]

Well, I just went through a vivid memory and was able to verbalize it very well here. But then my computer decided to go off line and all my writing was lost DAMN IT !
Guess I will try again. Here goes

I am a very little girl. 5 nor 6 maybe. I am in my dads company workshop, at least I think that is where I am. It is a big, open, dusty shop. There is a huge window fan. The sun is shining through the vast industrial style windows and the dust can be seen floating in the air. I am cute with long blonde curly hair and wearing a pretty pink frilly dress. Why would mother allow me to do to that dreadful place in my good clothes?

I can see the door to the shop. It is grey rippled sheet metal and has a padlock on it. I can see the gate enclosing the entire company yard. There are trucks parked under a carport type thing, all in a row those awful green trucks. I hate that company green color. (Our house is that color and my room is that color) He paints everything that color. I can see the building across the street and I can see the entire street. I can't see my father. I don''t see me leaving the shop, I don't see me riding in the truck or going to the shop but I know I was in a company truck. The only place I see my dad (and then it is only his tshirt and pants---there is no face) is inside the workshop.

I am standing there all alone. I don't know what he is doing or why we are there. The place is so big. I barely can see over the tops of the work tables. It is so dirty there.

[Grama-Herc]

Sorry, decided to enter the last writing before I lost it again. I'll now continue. The trucks. Those awful green company trucks. He alway drove one home every Thursday night. It sat in our nice back yard all weekend. Hum, wonder why all of a sudden that seems to bother me. Oh well.

My dad never spent time with me unless it was on his shit hole boat. The workshop memory shows me so young because he did not have a boat when I was that little. For a man who paid no attention to his daughter why would he take me there? If mother asked him to she would not have dressed me up. And why would mother ask him to take me there? She would not! ! ! I was very dressed up. Little white patten leather shoes, lace socks, my hair curled into ringlets and a pink party dress. Where in the hell was he meant to take me? It certainly was not to that dusty, dirty place?

As I read and reread this memory the more curious it gets. It also get more visual too! OMG When we went into the workshop, dad padlocked the door from the inside! I am standing in the middle of the place surrounded by nothing? and I am alone! He has walked away and left me standing there all by myself.

Welll, this is as far as the memory goes. No recall of ever leaving. Did I leave "that" little girl there for a reason? Sure need Anthony's input on this one

[anthony]

Herc, you don't need my input actually, your doing a great job recalling as your ready to recall. Don't try and force a memory though, otherwise you could tell your brain what you want it to hear. Instead, just record down what your memory presents to you at all times.

The imagery is fine... whatever comes to you tell me.

Does anyone live in the house?

[Grama-Herc]

The house. Anthony, the house suddenly moved to another locatation and I can see it clearly and in great detail. This house is located at a social club owned and operated by the company that my father worked for.

There was a pool, clubhouse,restraunt,boat docks and picnic area. It was located in a remote area. It had a small basin and the facility was u shaped around that basin. In the middle of the u shape was the caretaker/cook house. It had lots of windows typical to Fla. and they faced the basin. I would have absolutely NO reason to be in that house as a kid, or actually as an adult. It was their private quarters. Yes, he was married. I sense that he is the only person in the house. His wife also cooked at the resturant.

We would travel there by boat and sometimes by car. It was a place where dad drank, mom gabbed with other wives and us kids could do anything we wanted. We had the pool and on the other side of the basin near the picnic tables were swings. We had to walk by the house to get there.

Right now I am in the house looking out the windows but I only see the water in the basin. What ever is going on is happening behind me. But I have no clue right now what it is. I do not smell or feel anything yet. I just in the house looking straight ahead out the window. I do not know how I got into the house or why I am there? ? ? ? ?

[TDurden1937]

Herc - I'm Tyler . . . kind of new to the forum. But I've got to know anthony and I have faith in him.

You are being very brave. I admire you!!

[Grama-Herc]

Tyler, thank you for your comment. This is getting really hard. Retreaving an entire blank life is a challenge to say the least

[anthony]

You come to an open field and you see a cup within the field...

What colour is the cup?
What condition is the cup in?
Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

[Grama-Herc]

The cup is white and dirty and empty. A piece of tossed away trash

[anthony]

You continue walking down the road and something is blocking your path.... what is it and please describe it in as much detail as you can?

[Grama-Herc]

As I walk down the path a big black car is blocking my way. It has 4 doors and the inside smells of a pleasant pipe tobacco. It is a chevy, I think from the 1940"s. The seats are slippery-leather? It is really really big. The car is dusty with finger prints all over it. It has a small compass shaped like a ball that hangs from some kind of bracket that allows it to sorta float pointing the way. Inside the car is a little girl dressed in nothing but her panties. She has blonde hair, has very, very sad eyes and is looking out the window. You can barely see her peeking out of the back door window. Sometimes she is in the front seat--that is at night time. Other times she is in the back seat--that is in day time. The pleasant pipe tobacco smell is only present in the night time when she is in the front seat and it is very, very, very dark

[Grama-Herc]

Well, the evening conversation with mom tonight proved to be very interesting and extremely informative.

We have been going through all the boxes of pictures that mom has and that enabled me to ask some questions that if ask out of the blue would have seemed wierd.

In my last diary entry I described a black car, etc. Well, I asked mom if my grampa had a black car?---Yep---Did his car have a compass in it?---Yep---Seems Grampa would take me for rides in his car. I was about 3 when all this was going on.

I want to try to locate my fathers brother. He had a girl child that did not speak untill she was like 6 or 7 years old. That just came back to me and I want to know if grampa took her for "rides" too.

Don't know if it is obivous but this is not the closest of families. HA! I made a funny. Close, that is a joke. My dad was a cold, unfeeling man and his mother was a cold and unfeeling woman---but I know nothing about my grampa and mom is not very forth coming with info about him. He dressed up like Santa one time. Got pictures of that.

[anthony]

Sadness and confusion dominate you presently and you feel life is a struggle every step of the way. You are not trusting of sexual intimacy. You support systems you are in denial at times. Sometimes you think your support was large and excessive whilst growing up, though in fact it was quite small and insignificant to your needs. Your support systems simply did not cater you, hence your low self esteem. You feel your support mechanisms are healing though, likely present tense, though certainly where a wreck in your past. It looks as though you struggle with commitment, though more your in denial about your actual strength of commitment. You are quite committed to those of importance within your life, even if you don't believe so yourself, and they too you is your feeling.

Herc, who is the little girl in the car?

Now, before that obstacle there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Grama-Herc]

The little girl in the car is me. However, I'm not very clear on the next question.

What is really amazing is how right on you actually are. About everything you have stated about. When I am wrong, I admit it and boy was I wrong about you and your ability to help me.

Well, help may not be the correct word since you can't make me better, but you can show me how to make myself better. Well done Anthony! Thank you.

But I'm still unclear about that last question

[Grama-Herc]

As a p.s. to the last post I am instantly getting a severe headache. Is all of this connected? I do think so. Be glad when this is over cuz these headacxhes have got to stop.

[Grama-Herc]

I was sitting here this morning and I remembered your last question. The first response I heard myself say was the word "life". I am not sure what it means but that is the obstacle in my way, as I sense it. Does that make any sense?

I view life as the outside world. The people in it and the things that could happen to you when you are out there. Staying home is safe, comfortable, stressless, familiar and somewhere that I can just be me. I don't have to pretend to be something I am not. When I am at home, nobody wants anything from me. I have control over what I do, when it do it and what happens to me.

So is a look into the next to the last obstacle on my road.

[anthony]

Seems you answered the question of life obstacle for yourself herc, well done.

Before that obstacle there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Grama-Herc]

The other obstacle is fear. I spend 24/7 frightened. I am so somfortable inside my home. I am happy, safe, unstressed-almost, comfortable and perfectly content to stay here. Why put myself into a situation of fear when I don't have to.

So, I guess my next obstacle is fear.

[anthony]

Don't think about this, just answer it immediately upon reading it. There is another obstacle before your fear, what is it and please describe it.

[Grama-Herc]

Dad My father That is the only thing that came into my head. How can I describe him. He is tall and his skin is dark and leathery from sun exposure and those dam shorts he wears on his f------ boat. WoW what does this mean? We are back to the boat again.

I am not thinking but this is not it. It just isn't. I was so scared of my dad when I was growing up all he had to do was say my name and I would cry. Good God, Anthony> I broke out in gigantic hives every Thursday night when he came back into town.

He called me a quitter all my life. I was stupid and could not remember anything. OMG
He was always saying to me "I told you before how to do that Can't you remember anything"

He told me I could not remember anything. Anthony is that why I can't remember anything of my childhood and beyond? Because he told me I couldn't

[anthony]

Herc, be patient here. Again, before your father is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it. First thing that comes to you when reading this.

[Grama-Herc]

It is a box. Cardboard. It is plain and empty but very large. Big enough for me to crawl into

[anthony]

Do you feel you need to hide yourself Herc? You don't need protection, but you feel you need to be invisible. A box is dark, which is where you can hide secrets.... what secrets do you keep Herc?

[Grama-Herc]

OMG

I don't know if you will ever get those secrets out of me, EVER! They are the things that rip my insides out. They hurt so bad I can't stand the pain. I am so horribly ashamed so many things.

Yes I hide. As long as side stay inside the house, I can't be hurt, I won't make stupid decisions, I won't hurt anyone else and I will also be safe. I've screwed up my entire life and the lifes of many other peole. I've caused way to much pain to others.

I do not know how to behave properly in public. This is making me cry because I know in my heart that I am a good person. I would never hurt anyone on purpose.

Just seems like every time I try to help someone I get used. I've had the money my dad left me taken, or shoul.d I say scammed from me. I've been used for housing--sex--a car--and just generally taken advantage of most of my life. All I ever wanted was a friend, but seems that I don't know how to be a friend. People just don't like me and I really don 't know why.

But secrets, ahhhhhhhhhhh I don't know if I'm ready for that

[anthony]

When you are ready to reveal your secrets Herc, that is what you admitted is eating you up. Your choice though, and you must be ready to deal with those. Nobody can help you, only you can help yourself...

[grace5555]

:Hug_emoticon:

[Grama-Herc]

Thanks for the hug Grace. Needed it and going to need a lot more before this step is over.

I once wrote a poem and it's title was "It was my Baby too"! I regret not saving the poem because it was very good. It expressed my true feelings. I made one of the most difficult decision a mother can make.

I had to terminate the pregnancy my daughter had when she was 17 and still in high school.

It was not until many years later that I realized just how much pain I was in over that decision. That was my 1st grandbaby. To this day it tears my heart apart. I cry, I scream and I guilt over that decision everyday of my life.

My daughter was terrified, hell I was terrified! I am so ashamed of what I put her through. This "was" a secret I was going to keep forever.

OMG this hurts. I am feeling a pain like I've never felt before. My heart has such a huge hole in it where that baby should be.

My daughter and I never spoke of this again. Ever. I have no idea how or even if she is dealing with this sorrow.

As my poem was titled. "It was my Baby Too" So you got 1 of my many secrets out of me today Anthony. I hope you are happy. My heart is breaking.

[anthony]

Herc, its not about me, its about you. Obviously if this is causing YOU so much pain, then YOU need to talk about it and find YOUR resolution. It does nothing for me either way Herc.... not about me and doesn't help me, IT HELPS YOU!

Herc, I will remind you of something you would definitely know by now from being here; secrets that have negative stigma attached hurt you, they hinder your progress of healing. You cannot heal something you do not want to acknowledge as a problem or fight past the fear of revealing a secret so it no longer contains such negative stigma.

You sound as though your proud of your secrets.... and you have that right as they are your secrets. Again though, just remember that they only hurt you, nobody else. Nobody can help you Herc, you have to help yourself ultimately.

[anthony]

Now Herc... remember your learning off how to process negative emotion. List what you feel one after another and process each emotion on its own.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

What in the hell do you mean I sound proud of my secrets. How dare you say that. Not to mention what in the hell does it mean? I am so not proud of what I did.

Admitting this was very hard and paindful for me. I certainly do not understand you reaction. Could you not see how much pain this is causing me. and has caused me for a very long time.

Your reaction to my issues is extremely rude, insensitive and cruel.

[Nicolette]

So you got 1 of my many secrets out of me today Anthony. I hope you are happy. My heart is breaking.

Herc, I think it was this statement which Anthony refers to. From what is written, it sounds to me like Anthony has accomplished something by getting out the secret whereas I think in order to heal you need to reveal the "secret" so you can acknowledge it and process it. It is not a situation of Anthony dragging things out of you and then making you hurt. This is about you. Healing can be a very painful journey.

Take care and stay strong as I know you will get there :Hug_emoticon:

[She Cat]

Herc,

I am so sorry that you and your daughter had to go through this. Yes it must have been hard, and it must still haunt you today. Self forgiveness is something I still struggle with myself. I do understand where you are coming from, but I also agree...Anthony did not drag this out of you, you willingly gave up this info. You admit you have secrets. Shit we ALL have secrets that we aren't proud of in our lives. It's those very secrets that eat at us from the inside out, we are left with NOTHING but an empty shell for a person.

You are a good person Herc. Weather you like it or not, you are. You probably think that you don't know how to act around people because you have removed yourself from social settings, and you DON'T have to be on your best behavior inside of your own home. It's all new territory for you. So start going out again, nothing fancy or hard, but LOOK at the people and SEE. LISTEN, and STUDY how they interact with others and then when you feel confident, TRY it. You just have to re-learn how, that's all.

YOU are a good person.........You went through trauma, it altered your world. It isn't too late to try and fix this. You just have to want to face all of your secrets and talk about them.

Hugs,

Wen

[Grama-Herc]

Thanks Wen

Your reply made me take a good look at me and my world. IT is so small and isolated. No wonder I have trouble with relating to others.

BUT! ! ! While depending on this forum for my social contact is not exactly very healthy for me, it has shown me that I am getting ready to reach out to others and invite people into my space.

Still have many many secrets I need to rid my soul of and will eventually. Some are painful but others are extremely embarrasing. I think the embarrasing ones re going tol be the most difficult to rid myself of.

[anthony]

Herc, everyone answered the points already, and you now acknowledge your parts in this.... when you are ready I can help you if you want. How you rid yourself of your secrets is up to you, but you need to rid them. Face to face with someone in your life would be the best, as it exerts the most relief of pain for you as often secrets are kept from specific people, not typically strangers. If you have a secret about person x, the best result for you would be to reveal that secret to person x, not to another.

You really need to step back and understand what I am telling you here Herc. This is serious for you, nobody else, you. Secrets more often than not have negative emotion. Negative emotion feeds PTSD. PTSD means symptoms for you.

It is not a rush to get it all out, it is something you pace yourself with. There are ways here to do it privately, publicly, your therapist; again I recommend the person involved or people in your life the secret would impact for maximum relief of the negative emotion from you as fast as possible. Means the shortest amount of fallout for you. Your choice Herc and no time limits... your life is in your hands, others can only guide you or provide their experience, you make all your choices.

One down... obviously more to go from your statements.

[Grama-Herc]

Anthony

My question of most importance is a seriuos oune. The person I am keeping the secrets from is my mother. My life and everything I did for most of it is humiliating to say the least. If I need to deal with this the way I understand your theory, then I will cause her so very much pain. I can't do that to her.

To cause that much pain to someone you love just does not seem to be appropriate to say the least. Hurt someone else to make yourself feel better? I don't think I can do that. My mother knows I was not exactly mother theresa, but why should I have to destroy the rest of her life with the horrors of mine?

I almost came to the point of discovery. My life and the things I've done--to my self I might add--came rushing back this evening in all it's glory. It was like driving up to but not over a cliff. Almost but not quite.

My mind and body has stuff whatever it is for so long, it stopped me once again from recall. I came so damn close, tears from the depths of my soul. So close yet so far

But i am letting it just heppen. No pushing I promise I will try to get back in touch with the T. I was seeing before. Maybe a session or two to get over this hump?

[She Cat]

Herc,

The compassion you show toward your mom is so sweet. I too would feel the same as you do.

Is it possible to write her a letter(with the intention of NEVER letting her see it) Just a way to let this stuff out? Then have a ceremony and burn it along with all of the ill feelings????

When my mother was dying, and I hadn't seen her in 3 yrs, I went to her to ask for forgiveness and to tell her that I forgave her. She didn't want to talk about any of it.

Your mom should be so proud of you. You are a truly good daughter...

[Grama-Herc]

Thanks for the sincere compliment. I am truly blessed with one of the best mom's in the world. And I know it>

The letter will work. Did the same thing in the hospitalfor my dad who was already dead. Different issues(he was an asshole) same outcome. I was better for writing it to him.

I have even suggested this approach to other people. Need to take my own avise I guess. Thanks

[anthony]

Herc... I understand you wanting to protect your mother, and I understand you thinking that you are protecting her by keeping secrets from her... or even lumping her with your secrets as you perceive... but do you see the common demominator here? Your thinking for your mother. Now your an adult, your mother is an adult... at what point did discussion get rules out? You are talking about discussing secrets from your past Herc, not your present. We have all done bad things in our past.... that is life.

Again though, your decision, not mine, not others. Only you can make the choice Herc and nobody can help you or support you with your secrets, as only you control that aspect of your life.

Here is another way to think about this Herc, as I see it anyway. You keep secrets from your mother to do with your past. You think for your mother on her behalf whether it is in her best interest as an adult to discuss them or not, or how they will affect her now or not. These very secrets are what are making you ill, and you are making yourself ill by not discussing them with her. Now this is just me... my opinion, but that says to me "self inflicted" injuries to your PTSD.

I'm sorry Herc, but I won't even empathise with you if these secrets cause you distress. You have choices, and if your choices are that you remain ill... then that is your right, but I certainly will not empathise with it as I do not enable sufferers illness. If I condoned your secrets or your statement, I would be enabling your ongoing symptoms. I just cannot do that Herc....

I guess your life is not in your hands, and as this is the only aspect really causing you distress.... you now have to live with your choices Herc. Again though, your choices and I respect your choices, but I certainly do not have to endorse or empathise with you about them. I hope you know what your doing though.... take care Herc.

[She Cat]

Anthony,

Normally I would agree with what you stated here, but I think you are missing a few things. Hercs mother is in her 80's with Alzheimer's. In my opinion to do this to that woman would do nothing but put added stress on her(which she does NOT need) and it would only put further anxiety, shame, guilt on Herc should this backfire and something happened to her mother.

There are time Anthony when you need to have compassion along with the empathy, and put the PTSD aside. You are talking about an elderly woman that is not mentally all there, her coping skills are just about shot, she can't remember from one day to a next, and has a hard time with daily task.

Anthony.....I am appalled that you came down so hard on Herc for having exactly what I feel you LACK right now. That being compassion.

[anthony]

It depends on the secrets though Wendy, IMO that is. As I stated to herc, it is her decision, her choices, and I stated I respect those as being hers and hers alone to make. I empathise with her position in relation to her mothers age and illness, however; I do not empathise with PTSD aspects. As I said earlier in this discussion, it is best to discuss secrets or matters with the person affected, though you can discuss it with another if you choose. The result will not be the same, but atleast the burden of secrets is no longer as much of a negative impact on the sufferer.

Secrets means nobody knows... it is secretive to oneself. That is my point here, and that I do not empathise with. I understand the conversation has directed only to Hercs mother, which means it can just as quickly divert away from hercs mother. Herc is upset over releasing one secret here... one which doesn't impact me, only Herc. I don't care whether a person releases secrets here, therapy, their next door neighbour... it is irrelevant in the scheme of things.

The point is to get rid of secrets so they are no longer a secret! How and who is not a point... just do it though is my point. Again, not my choice, Hercs... I am not forcing or trying to force Herc to release her secrets, I am simply advising her what the problem is and how to fix it. The rest is now up to Herc. The best route is to the person it involves, I make no secret over this fact, however; it can be done in any way comfortable with the person though resolution much be obtained once the secret is released. How.... not within my control, only Hercs.

Again, I respect either way she goes... but I do not empathise with a person who is ill because of secrets kept, though does not want to help themselves by ridding the negative emotion of secrets period. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Harsh... Yes... truthful... absolutely.

[Grama-Herc]

Ok, that's it Anthony.

Where or when did I ever say my secrets involved my mother? My secrets are things I've done in my life that I am extremely ashamed of. They do not involve my mother and have nothing to do with her. So why in the hell should I tell her something that would break her heart?

Do you actually think that by ridding myself of these painful secrets and dumping them on my mother that I will feel better? Where is you brain? Hurting another makes you feel better? What book are you reading?

I have tryed to do everything you thought would help get better and recover my life, but this is just short of insanity.

Hey I'll tell you the rest of the shit in my life. I was arrested for shop lifting when I had no money. I had an abortion. I gave my kid away to an aquaintance because of a new job. I stole money. I stayed stoned on pot for the entire duration of my pregnancy. I'm talking 24/7 stoned. I was a slut and an drunk. I drove drunk.

Now, just exactly which of these secrets do you think will make my mother feel better? Which one will have a positive affect on her? Which one of these secrets should she own?

I'm not telling the details of these secrets because it is no ones business and you are just a little to curious to suit me. Your statement that you hope I know what I'm doing--take care Herc, sounds as if you are writing me off cuz I won't play your little game anymore. What did that mean anyway? "I hope you know what you are doing---take care Herc" what the hell is that?

So now explain to me how telling an 83 year old woman that her daughter is not exactly the type of person she thinks she is--is going to help ME feel better?

I am sure by the time this is read by you I will be banned from the forum and my feeling is "OK, so be it". BUT

I enjoy being here. Sharing experiences and symptoms and getting answers that may help me in my life journey with PTSD. It is your forum and you control it. I am a visitor here