Confused - PTSD From Truck Accident

[alanmeacock]

First off I feel a bit strange writing like this to a community of sufferers or survivors is better I guess! Was in a car crash with a truck eight months ago not been the same since. Off work three months but not injured physically. Within five days was getting typical PTSD symptoms my doc put me on increased anti deps since I have long history of mild depression but in check with medication. Big change was and is constant anxiety, loss of self esteem, self confidence, motivation and cognitive trouble. Can't concentrate, read books etc. Its an effort writing this! Help me out here. When the lorry ran into my driver's side door..I could see it all happening but I had no sense of fear even being kind of emotionless. I could not control the skid my car was in to avoid contact, it just was going to resolve itself, the trauma. I can't get over this fact that I felt nothing at the time. I should have been terrified..a 20 ton Volvo running into my fiat punto. I've read a bit about freezing and dissociation but my Councellor over a twelve week course could not adequately convince me of what this meant...my mind cannot take in things. I know this might be referred to in other mail but I need to hear it for myself from you guys out there and espec this business of freezing. I'm seeing a psychiatrist now who has me on new meds and recommends CBT as soon as possible. Sorry to be so long and thanks for just being there. alan

[purdyamos]

Don't apologise for being 'long'. I was much longer! Welcome! The emotional deadness you describe is textbook. I took years to understand the separation in the primitive memory between visual and emotional re-enactment. That's how PTSD works, and it's only with the integration of the whole experience that you can begin to file it away as a 'normal' memory. I get 'experience' flashbacks which are terrifying because for a long time I couldn't narrate what was actually happening. Don't pressurise yourself about feeling cold about it. It sounds like you've got good support and professionals who know what they are talking about. It'll hurt when the feelings come back, but that's the key to recovery. I hope you'll gain much insight from this site. I have. Welcome!

[Farmer]

When I was burnt as a kid the first couple of seconds were clear untill the shock kicked in and then it was like the conscious part of my mind was pulled back someone else was driving my body, just flashes of images and the other sinses. Like I've learned from this site it's the different parts of the brain being overloaded.

[anthony]

Hi Alan,

Welcome to the community. Freezing is a natural reaction from the mind to the body in states off unknown. I am not an expert by any means in that field, but I have chatted about it with professionals and read a bit also. Its like when someone is about to be hit by a car, they freeze, instead of jumping out of the way. Why? Because the mind is overloaded with immediate fear and emotion, instead of being able to cognitivally process the though of jumping clear. When you see someone jump clear, or remove themselves of a dangerous and iminent situation, it is generally because they are very mentally strong, and they process thoughts on the immediate occurence, and don't allow fear to cloud the judgement. Fear is a natural emotion, and your rightful to have fear when being within a situation you have no control.

Another example is a shark presence, in that it was only discovered that people are to freeze when a shark is around, as the mind and body did this naturally, thus bringing to light that freezing caused disinterest in sharks to continue with an attack.

What you felt is normal, and what your feeling now is normal with PTSD in check.

[Nam]

Welcome Alan. Thanks for sharing your story.

[alanmeacock]

Thanks folks for your replies and so quick! Do you ever get to find time to sleep? It's good to know there are people out there who understand and are willing to help folks like me. I can't get to the bottom of PTSD intellectually...and as well-meaning people can be, if you've not been there, its hard for them to understand. I am emotionally dead at present but my wife is so understanding. I'm not the guy pre the trauma. I can't do things I used to do easily ..play music/ performance..couldn't stand in front of people for the life of me..would fall apart. There's some part of my trauma that has robbed that from me...I want it back one day..my confidence ,strength and understanding. But I often can't recognise the triggers that send me into anxiety and depression with all their physical aspects. Do you guys experience that too? alan.

[piglet]

I want it back one day..my confidence ,strength and understanding. But I often can't recognise the triggers that send me into anxiety and depression with all their physical aspects. Do you guys experience that too?

Hell yes!!!!!!!! Every day. And as Anthony will tell you, much of the time the triggers are events that are coming up, as well as those you have already met.

[anthony]

Absolutely Alan, and very well said. As Piglet said, you will learn to identify your triggers, and more often than not, you will also learn to discover what may be causing anxiety and symptoms, could very well be something that is coming, even months away, but your mentally thinking about it now, and getting distressed all the way up until the event, when suddenly everything disappears after the event, then we begin thinking about another major event in our lives to stress us and cause anxiety.

We can help you come to terms with many of these things, I have no doubt. I completely know what you are saying about needing those who truly understand, ie. other sufferers who walk the path, hence why this place was created, because I felt the same urges and requirements to help myself, which meant most others with PTSD require the same support, direct from those who experience the same symptoms daily.

Glad to have your here Alan, and look forward to chatting with you more, and hopefully helping you out with some of your symptoms.

[alanmeacock]

Thanks Anthony and you other folks for welcoming me so warmly. Means a lot to me.
Alan

[Nam]

Hey Alan,

I'm not the guy pre the trauma. I can't do things I used to do easily ..play music/ performance..couldn't stand in front of people for the life of me..would fall apart. There's some part of my trauma that has robbed that from me...I want it back one day..my confidence ,strength and understanding.

The rest of us aren't the same either. We will never be back to the person "pre trauma". The nice thing is, some of us actually like ourselves "post trauma" better. I know it's hard to believe, but there are positives. They just come with a lot of recovery.

I too, love to sing/perform, has my husband (plays guitar). You just made me realize that I haven't been on stage since my ptsd started. But I really think I could do it now, in fact, that would be exciting! I believe that you can have your confidence, strength, and understanding back. It may come back in a deeper sense or in a different form. I know that I am stronger now then before the trauma. I don't have as much confidence, but I still believe that it will return. Understanding? Now that is loaded. Understanding yourself, or others? or both? I certainly understand my illness and myself much, much better then before. And a part of me understands other people better too, but I have a much lower tolerance for ignorant and uncompassionate people.

Thanks Anthony and you other folks for welcoming me so warmly. Means a lot to me.

That tells me that you have at least an inkling of emotions! So, technically, you're not emotionally dead. Isn't that nice to know?

I hope the very best for you. I know it's hard to see the light, but you will see it soon. Sometimes the light fades and returns, but believe us, that there is light there.

[anthony]

Thanks Anthony and you other folks for welcoming me so warmly. Means a lot to me.
Alan
Your welcome. As Nam so well pointed out... from that statement, your not actually emotionally dead just yet... just temporarily confused and lost maybe...

[alanmeacock]

Hi...taken some time out lately. Nam when you said we won't be the same as we used to be...I kind of felt affronted by that...but thinking about it I guess a change for the better would be a good thing! But afterall I find it hard to think of memories before the accident anyway. It's as though the trauma, has become a fresh start point. My shrink thinks the anxiety is hindering memory and concentration. I just know that now I can't do the things I used to do so I guess its natural to want to get back to that condition when I could do things. Understanding is another issue. I'm a need to know kind of person, perhaps you're all like me, questioning all the time. But I've learned to get to know that there are no easy answers to the way I feel daily. Perhaps I should just go along with things and kind of shut down mentally? But I would resist that and that would compound my dis-ease.
Help!
Still have trouble with triggers nine months on...read about and my councellor mentioned 'the body remembers.' So in a trauma our mind does not take in everything only the most immediate danger, but our bodies with all the ancillary senses going on like touch, smell, hearing, skin temperature etc are taking in stuff also but which is not registered with our normal mental recognition routes. Obviously what we see is probably most important. So anyway things I don't know about can still send me into anxiety, a smell,etc but I won't recognise it! Am I making sense here! Does anyone have this problem? I know there are books about this better buy one.

alan

[anthony]

Perhaps I should just go along with things and kind of shut down mentally? But I would resist that and that would compound my dis-ease.

Yer, shutting down mentally is not really the best approach to PTSD. You are coming to terms with what is happening to you, which is a great start. We all have to start somewhere, and once we get past denial, that is the best method forward. What you are going through is normal for PTSD, so don't feel different, because you not. Your not mental, your not crazy, you are the same you, with a slight addition of PTSD now tacked on. The PTSD tends to take over us, and consume us whilst we try and ignore it, however; when we learn to live with it, and work within its bounds to a point, our lives then become much more bearable, to say the least.

I often say to people that you must embrace your trauma. This is not really a touchy feely type saying, it is more outlined from myself as saying, "accept what is now, and work with it, not against it." Working against PTSD, or attempting to fight or suppress it, fails each and every time. People end up here saying they are better within themselves, when suddenly their traumas are popping up once again to bother them significantly. This says to me, that a person hasn't really come to terms with their trauma yet, nor accepted it, and are still trying to fight it, suppress it, or bury it, non of which work, because our minds are the controller of when and where memories are given back to us, and statistics have always proven nothing but positive that memories will return to haunt us if not dealt with completely.

Still have trouble with triggers nine months on...read about and my councellor mentioned 'the body remembers.' So in a trauma our mind does not take in everything only the most immediate danger, but our bodies with all the ancillary senses going on like touch, smell, hearing, skin temperature etc are taking in stuff also but which is not registered with our normal mental recognition routes. Obviously what we see is probably most important. So anyway things I don't know about can still send me into anxiety, a smell,etc but I won't recognise it! Am I making sense here!

Alan, you are making perfect sense. People often discover that they find new triggers through other senses, ie. if your a vietnam vet, the smell of jungle could trigger you, where the sight of a jungle may not. The touch of something may trigger you to what a touch of a body, weapon or event felt like when you touched it. People more often than not just think its about the incident that occurred, and often don't know about the larger picture in relation to mind recognition and triggers.

Nine months on, and your still having triggers. Honestly, get used to them, because you will have triggers your entire life now. The difference is, is learning them and knowing which ones you can push past, and which ones you cannot. Its like me going to a shopping centre. I can push past going to a crowded shopping centre if I have had time to prepare myself for it mentally, however; if I am in a shopping centre around the time school gets out, and the centre suddenly goes from light traffic to crowded with school kids, my anxiety goes through the roof and I must exit immediately.

The reason is, is that I had no mental preparation to accept the crowd, thus it is like being within some operation zones where one minute there is no crowd, to the next a huge crowd forming from an event. Trigger!

So, I now make allocations to adapt these to me so I can continue without being triggered. Example, I no longer will go near a shopping centre if the time is even close to when school is let out, ie. 3pm - 3.30pm. I will always ensure that I now go to a shopping centre well before these times on a weekday. I never go late night shopping on thursday nights, because the crowds are more often than not, to much for me to cope with even with preparation. So I avoid that night. I can go into a shopping centre on a Saturday though, if I know about it the day before, and prepare myself mentally with such thoughts as:

It is a safe environment, and not a war zone
People are not out to harm me within the shops
I am not on operations now, this is peace time
etc etc etcI have basically grounded myself through preparation to the reality of the situation, and not over thinking the process or event, but bringing it back to what it actually is.

So that is an example of some control over triggers when identified as one.

No control! An example is helicopters flying on roof tops. Well, living within a military town, you will get helicopters flying on the roof tops. I can't stop them, I can't avoid them, and if when it happens, I get triggered. So... I moved from a military town to a city where military exist, but are not really seen, nor do I ever have helicopters flying on the roof tops. This is an example of avoidance when appropriate to a trigger. Some triggers can be beaten, some adapted, some just need to be avoided.

[YoungAndAngry]

Welcome Alanmeacock!

I've been kinda tired lately so I've been slow on the posting
but welcome and glad you found us!!!

[Miander]

Hey Alan, I know what you mean about wanting to be the way you were before the trauma. For me, I was such a different person before my trauma, I really mourn the me that was before. I see the changes (in my eyes, for the worst) in every day situations and especially when I get hit with triggers. It is hard because I have three girls that are under 3 years old, and they watch me so closely...When something startles me or makes me feel anxious, I have to be so careful how I react on the outside. I don't know if it will help you, but you may want to pay close attention to yourself - figure out what your various triggers are so that you can learn to live with them or avoid them, as Anthony said. Sadly, it's true that we are permanently changed, but it does get easier to live with PTSD, especially when you work at it instead of pretending nothing is wrong.