My Story - PTSD from a MVA Accident

[YoungAndAngry]

I've been pacing around my house...
... I just can't avoid thinking about my upcoming surgery.

I'm sitting here trying not to think about it...
then I realize... how the hell can I come to terms with this sugery
if I'm basically still in denial about everything that happened?

I've had lots of stuff happen to me... crazy bizarre things...
but I there was one moment in my life that brought on this PTSD curse.

I need to share it... I'm hoping to get some relief from just getting it out and into words.
Don't really know how to talk about what happened.
So instead I'm gonna just post as far as I can get into the story,
hopefully at each login until it's all out.

Of course there may be minor aspects that I still will keep locked up inside...
but at least hopefully I will better understand my feelings towards this whole thing.

My goal is to get the whole story out before the weekend is up.
It's not that it's that long of a story... I'm just afraid all those memories will really exhaust me

So bear with me.
I'm probally gonna ramble lots...
But if I don't face this now... when will I?

(geez... I have butterflies in the pit of my stomach already... eek!)


Just a warning!!!
... anything I post after this may have the potential to trigger anyone who was involved in an vehicle collision, has trust issues, or ... anyone with PTSD...

You've been warned.
(if you need a virtual hug.. just send me a message... I don't want to make anyone sad or upset!)

[YoungAndAngry]

Saturday afternoon...

As I filled up my water bottle, my stomach grumbled...
it was around lunch time, but I had promised my dog a walk.
So I grabbed a green granny smith apple off the counter.

Yelling out the door to my boyfriend and our friends that I'd be back in abit, I headed out.
My young AmStaff puppy loved the strolls out in the woods.
And I've always felt the most relaxed lost among the trees, kinda like a sanctuary.

The woods were across a busy highway, so I didn't want to risk walking across it.
Me and Mr. Bear (my puppys name BTW) jumped in my car and drove the couple of minutes to a school parking lot on the edge of town.
I threw my purse over my shoulder... unhooked the dog from his leash...
and headed into the bush where the joggers had made a trail.

It was so relaxing... I needed it.
The day before I had just landed the "perfect" job!
I should be starting Monday!

Not to mention the fact that my college grad was only 2 weeks away!!!
OMG! What was I going to wear? Where should we party afterwards?
So many questions!
Ughhh... there wasn't much point in getting TOO excited...
I still had one more final exam to write before I could be sure I was actually getting my diploma!!

I tried my hardest for those 2 years to get that paper.
I couldn't mess it up! eek!

Oh well... I figure.
No point in getting too worked up about it.
I've already found a great job!
And if I have to redo one class to get my diploma, I'll do it!

My mood lifted as I walked...
I loved watching my dog run up and down the trail.
Always staying in sight... but so excited to explore!

Just as I'm feeling as good as I think a person can feel.
My cell phone rings... breaking the beautiful silence.

[YoungAndAngry]

The voice is familar... it's my boyfriend of 6 years.
We've been living together for a little over a year now.

One of our long-time close friends (I'll call him Bob) has picked him up.
and he doesn't want me to end up locked out of the house.
So if I would just meet them at my car, they'll show up there to pick me up.

I whistle for the dog and turn around.
Thank goodness I didn't get too far before they called!
Still they are already waiting in the parking lot when I get there.

[YoungAndAngry]

Bob's sitting in his old 4x4 truck,
it's been a "work in progress" for years now, lol
but he's proud... he's got a new bush grill! (plus other little things I didn't understand)

This truck is the old style convertiable top.
The people on the backseat bench have no roof above their head.
The roof just ends just behind the drivers head.

The truck basically naked (if that's possible?)
The weatherstriping that would be along the metal roof edge
(where you would connect the removable canopy top)
was missing, and the tailgate had been taken off too.

I climb up into the box of the truck,
jumped over the backbench and settled behind the driver (Bob)
and Mr. Bear cuddled next to me in the middle seat.
After a quick search for seatbelts turned up nothing.
I was filled with a quick feeling of dread.
But I've always been the one to nag friends about stupid things.
(etc. drinking and driving, not wearing helmets, speeding, doing dumb things)
So while my mind screamed out... Wait!!! Bitch about this!!!!
I was so tired of being the "party-pooper" that I just shut my yap.
Besides... I've known Bob since I was 14... it's not like I just met him.

[carpediem2006]

Hi there, I hope this is helping you, I know when I did this it helped me (it also helped me to write it in a word doc. You can edit the bits you forget over the day (or days as it was it my case), they are only words, the memories are there already (assuming you don't have any amnesia which is common). It will get better, and I feel sure your surgery will be fine, none of us like 'going under'. A little tip if you really dread the surgery process; I reacted badly to whatever they gave me as a kid in hospital and was wired and hyper, so I got another of whatever it was and was even more wired and hyper. So I told them this and whatever I got as a result meant I didn't finish the first page of my book. In the theatre I just told them I didn't want them to explain anything more about the when, I would just watch the eyes of the surgeon, it helped me and I will do it again when I feel I have the energy to get my nose rebroken and fixed again (very minor I know). The only thing you need to know, perhaps is that you can have a tingle or cold feeling in your arm, it's nothing- good luck in getting this out of your system. And good luck with the surgery and everything else.

[anthony]

Good stuff YA... this can only help you, and once you get it out, continue to add too it as more comes to you, and read it, read it, read it, until no longer you are scared of this trauma, but accept it as what it is, an accident that is now within your past, you have healing to do, which we are all here to help you with, and then I am pretty positive, you will get back on track to getting that job you had landed and fulfilling your career prospects once again. Keep going YA... your doing great... excpetional courage.

[YoungAndAngry]

So we head out for a cruise in his truck.
My boyfriend is sitting beside Bob,
Both of those guys have seatbelts I notice...
WTF?
As far as the back goes...
I'm on the far left, Mr. Bears in the middle, and another close friend I'll call Jim is sitting on the other side.

It's the summer so the canopy wasn't on the truck...
The sun felt awesome... I was glad I had broughten my sunglasses!
I started to relaxe alittle... "don't stress yourself over the whole no-seat belt thing... enjoy yourself without having to bitch!!!!" I told myself.

While we're driving... we pass my mom in her car!
Now I don't live with my parents... and I've been going full time at school for the last 2 years.
So I don't see her very often.

As we pass eachother she honks her horn and I wave madly from the backseat.
I remember trying to keep my long hair from blowing in my face as I watched her and my youngest brother wave back!

Glancing down at my cell phone I contemplate calling her cell.
I mean, I hadn't talked to her in awhile.
But the loud rumbling engine of this beast (the truck)
made it impossible!

"I'll call her when I get back to my car" I thought to myself.
"I need to tell her I got the job! and make sure she had my graduation info"

[YoungAndAngry]

It only takes us another 2 minutes or so to get to the edge of the newly developed neighbourhoods.
There's a dirt road in behind them where the piping for water and sewer has been dug out and set up.
Most of the land is cleared... it's just waiting to be turned into a residential area.

We've been down here before lots,
it's where everyone dirtbikes and rides their quads, etc.
And the Bob was going to show us where our buddy had broken his leg on his bike.

My boyfriend glances back to check on me.
I give him the whole "I don't have a seatbelt!!!!!!!! WTF!!!" look
(yes, I can transmit a whole message in one look, we've been together that long!)
He gives me the whole "Sorry dude!" look.
Whatever!
It's a bumpy ride, so we're taking it slow.
So I keep my bitching to myself.

I dig into my purse... grab the green apple.
I figure that should keep me quiet for abit.
Thirsty from the heat I bite into the tart fruit.

[piglet]

You're doing great YA. Make sure that you are being good to yourself between rounds!

[anthony]

You're doing great YA. Make sure that you are being good to yourself between rounds!
I second that motion....

[Nam]

We're here YA. We're here.

[YoungAndAngry]

Thanks.... it's just ALOT harder than I expected....

[Nam]

s'ok YA. Take your time.... By the way, you are an eloquent writer. Your discriptions are like photographs in my mind.

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you Nam

That day is burned into my memory...
that damn apple... I seriously can't eat green apples anymore...
HUGE flashback!!

I'm so friggin exhausted...
Need to escape reality right now, so I'm going to go play a PC game...

I'll be back soon... ttyl

[YoungAndAngry]

I don’t know if I even managed to take a second bite
Everything happened so fast after that...
...I’m still trying to piece it all together in my mind.

Bob was still going on about how great his new bumper was....
And I think I remember hearing my boyfriend saying something about “pushing a tree over”
(everything just happened so quick!)

I remember the sharp jerk of the truck as it flew into reverse...
We backed up seventy feet or so,
It was so fast...

I was thrown back into my seat as Bob threw the truck into gear... and floored it.

He was headed right for a patch of trees!
My mind was racing...
...I screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The scream was shrill.
But it did nothing.
We were still accelerating!

When we hit the trees (3 fair sized ones)
there was this split second where everything just.... paused...
The trees didn’t even budge.
And we were brought to a dead stop.

And then I saw the edge of the roof.
When it was at eye level...
I remember the clear blue sky being a sharp contrast to the rusty metal below...

...Then... a bright flash of red/white/black,
I’ll never be able to describe that hue of colors...
But that image still haunts me to this day.

[YoungAndAngry]

I had flown out of my seat...
It was almost in slow motion... kinda like an old jumpy movie.
...Parts blur in and out.

Later on, I figured out that when those colors appeared...
That was the exact moment that my face connected with the metal edge.
...cutting right through the bridge of my nose...

I hit the roof edge hard,
Honestly I don’t know why I didn’t get knocked out.
(it would have made the entire situation alot let traumatizing!)
My neck snapped back...
And I fell back onto the floor of the truck

It was so insane!...
Like a bad nightmare

After the red was gone,
All I could feel was this horrible throbbing in my head.
I was in so much pain... my brain couldn’t even register a specific pain.
My head just felt like it was pounding... and my face...
Well... I’ve never ever felt that sensation before... and I don’t even think it’s possible to describe it.

I tried to take a deep breath... and I started chocked on warm liquid
I was so ****ing scared to open my eyes....

[piglet]

Jeez YA! I had no idea that your accident was caused by something like an idiot trying to prove how strong his car is!!! The word moron doesn't come remotely close, although I'm sure you've thought of one hell of a lot more words to describe the guy. Did you sue him or get insurance? I know that won't help the ptsd or other issues, but it would make your life a little easier. Please tell me you have insurance to cover the med costs etc?

This is something that makes me so angry about all of this - a lot of us have someone to blame for our ptsd, but there is no way to get them to pay for therapy. Instead we have to struggle to get by while they carry on with their lives. :cussing: :angry-fla :gunem-dow
Please excuse me, got bloody angry and this is your thread! Damn good effort to get that last post down. I totally get how hard it is to stick stuff in writing. I'm "forgetting" my nightmares again cos I can't bear to think about them to write them down. May well stick my head in the sand later too!

[YoungAndAngry]

Voices were yelling...
Something about Mr. Bear being thrown out of the vehicle!!!!!...
... he was hanging outside the door side... his leash stuck on something inside this death-trap truck.

I opened my eyes and looked down...
And let out this blood curling scream!
Blood was pouring off of my face like a faucet... I tried to catch some it, but my cupped hand filled so quick it was impossible
Out of instinct I jumped up, and hung the top half of my body out the side of the truck

I dropped the apple out of my other hand...
That damn green apple....

I was spitting and coughing... and I couldn’t seem to get air.
So I brought my hand to my face... try to figure out what was going on.
My hand couldn’t even recognize what I was feeling.

“Look at my face!” I screamed desperately “It hurts!!!!! Look please!!!”

It seemed to take forever... I couldn’t really see anything,
Everything was spinning and my eyes wouldn’t focus.
Finally I heard a response...
“Holy Sh*t! Your nose is cut off! WTF!!! OMG!!! Hold it on!!!!!!”

I believe it was my boyfriend screaming...
Next thing I knew the guys had taken off their shirts and were holding them to my face,
Hoping to stop the river of blood... my river of blood.
It was useless... they had to get me help ASAP

Somehow I ended up in the front passenger seat, I think my boyfriend was holding me... but I had closed my eyes long ago (wasn’t gonna open them either!)... so I’m not positive...

[YoungAndAngry]

BTW... thank you everyone for the support.

Piglet... trust me... "Moron" as well as many other "words" are used to describe Bob.
And about insurance? I'll get to that... it's a nightmare

Thanks again...
I need to escape reality real quick after that last post...
I've just gone numb, so I'm switching to a game and I'll continue in abit

This upcoming surgery is really messing with my head,
makes my "accident" the focus of my day...
....sucks....

[Nam]

oh YA!!! When this shit happens cause of someone else's stupidity makes it even harder to comprehend besides trying to disect it all....

Yes, I was thinking that you probably don't each much green things that you can hold in your hand.......(BTW, I don't like granny smiths anyway...)

All of this because of a stupid love for a truck, one that didn't have a seatbelts.....

GRRRRR! (We totally understand the Angry part of your name now......You are entitled.)

YA, what courage you have to write it down....
and what courage you have to get up everyday with reminders plain in sight.....

Are you okay after that last post?
Better now or worse?

[YoungAndAngry]

Nam, Oh, I've tried to understand the whole situation...
it's just so f*cked up!
Yeah, it made me pretty angry,
but not as pissed as the rest of the story.

I don't know if I'm better... but I feel calmer...
yet at the same time my body keeps jerking with muscle spasms.
it's so damn frustrating, the memories affect my physical health alot.

[YoungAndAngry]

Oh, and I won't even buy granny smiths anymore...

I have this beautiful tree in our backyard...
when we moved in it was bare.
What a suprise for me when Summer ended,
Fall came and green apples were dotted along every branch.

I love the tree... yet at the same time I just want to tear all the branches off eeek!

[YoungAndAngry]

The guys knew waiting for an ambulance would take 5 minutes or so.
So they were panicking about what to do...
Basically Bob was standing outside his truck freaking

It was mentioned that I should “hold my nose on”
So I reached up... grabbed the tip of my nose...
It felt sooo foreign, my numbed face couldn’t feel my hand touching it.
Kinda felt like touching a stranger’s face...

The tip was so low... I wanted to throw up
But... something needed to be done.
So I grabbed it along with the nostrils...
And pushed up... hard...
I needed to close the gash running across my nose.

The chocking feeling wouldn’t stop...
And I was desperately gasping for air.
But instead of oxygen, my throat was filling with blood.

I covered my face with the shirts...
And as I “held my nose on”... my mind snapped.

It was like everything was spinning out of control.
There was too many horrible thoughts and images were running through my mind.
And holding a body part on... well... it really messes with you.

When it snapped... everything went calm....
I stopped screaming and went silent.
My eyes were locked shut, and I even thought I could hear my boyfriend frantically trying to get me to respond... I couldn’t reply...
Not then... my mind just couldn’t deal with it,
so it took a mini vacation.

[Nam]

so it took a mini vacation.

I'm glad you did. Do you remember where you went?

[YoungAndAngry]

I'm glad you did. Do you remember where you went?

Not sure... it was just silent... and calm...
A relief actually.
Because the chaos that led up to it was too much for me.
I couldn't handle the situation.

Like... what are you supposed to do when this happens to you?
I had no idea... and neither did anyone else.
There was nothing I could do at that point... the damage was done.

Thats one of the feelings that I still fear..
when your mind just "gives up"

Heck... I don't even know... maybe my mind still hasn't come back from holidays yet...

[anthony]

Great work YA... get this out of you... well done... keep it up.

[YoungAndAngry]

Well... I just made a day trip up to the town where everything happened.
On the way up there I managed to get another bit of my story out on paper.
When I made it into town... I went numb... I'm still numb...
hoping that posting it will help....

[YoungAndAngry]

The calmness flooded me.
In my mind I could see this person... no characteristics except for a missing nose.
The huge dark triangle stood out sharply against the pale skin.
But I wasn’t as bothered by this image... it was another person, not me.
(I think when I self medicate I’m looking for that same calm)

So when the guys finally got sorted out and started driving me...
I don’t really remember.
It didn’t even feel like I was there.

I remember holding my eyes shut...
and asking for a smoke.
A lit cigarette was gently guided into my open mouth.
I reached up... took it between my two fingers... and took deep drags...

The burning hot smoke stung my throat and lungs...
but it was my only assurance that my airways were still open.

I opened my eyes briefly.
My hair flying everywhere uncontrollably.
I saw my hair fly into my burning smoke.
I couldn’t smell the burnt hair, but I could hear the sizzling.
But I didn’t even care... I puffed away.

That cigarette got me through the rest of the drive.

I vaguely recall being in a wheelchair at the ER registration desk.
(how I got in the wheelchair...? I have no idea)

Of course they wheeled me right in, no waiting.
I desperately held the bloody t-shirts over my face... I didn’t want anyone to see e... or know it was me.
(small town... 2 of my family members work there, and I even had worked there the year prior during my school summer break)

My eyes were open at this point, and I saw the curiosity of all the people in the waiting room...
They wanted to know what happened, who I was, why there was sooo much blood..?
I could just see the questions written across each persons face.

I couldn’t blame them though,
It’s only human nature to be curious.
If I was in their places I probally would have acted the same way.

But I still wasn’t willing to show my face and answer all their questions.

[anthony]

You are showing a lot of commonsense thinking within all this YA, which really portrays you as a very commonsense approach type person to me, which is only going to help you recover faster than most. Well done for your efforts, and please keep going, as your doing so well... exceptional actually.

[Nam]

Alright YA! I really didn't know if you would come back and continue when your surgery was post poned! I thought for sure there was no longer any pressure, but here you are! That is truly noble. Keep it up YA...you're doing awesome.

[veiled]

You are doing great YA. So scary what you are describing as you do such a job putting us there with you.

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you for all the support all of you have given me!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't given up on telling my story...
it's just crazy hard for me to deal with.
Writing it down makes it real... less like a bad dream.

It's just that as I'm recalling it... it's like I'm being transported right back to that "situation"
I'm glad that my description opens a window into the terror I was feeling.
Because I've never really been able to put that experience into words before.

[Farmer]

You have a wonderfull way with writing and expressing your emotions and expierances that I will never have. like you say writing about it gives it a reality that just talking does not seem to, for me anyway.

[anthony]

Well done both of you... and keep it going... as the rewards are within your grasps...

[pookiespooka]

Seeing you write your story makes me want to consider writing mine down. It's been almost a year so perhaps it's time.

[Nam]

Pookies, we are here for you when you are ready. :smile:

[anthony]

I haven't given up on telling my story...
it's just crazy hard for me to deal with.

YA, this is the purpose of you doing this, remember? The idea behind this is to bring it to the surface, bring your trauma up top so it is no longer haunting your constantly, instead it will punish you now, then leave you in peace. Short term pain for long term gain... I don't think you really want to stop now, because your nearly there with it.

You are going to get overwhelmed by emotions, you are going to get angry from those emotions, you are going to face your past at an emotional level, it is going to hurt, it is going to be painful, though there is only one way past the hell you live day to day... forward by continueing what you have started.

Your choice, your life... my advice is only what you need to know IF you want to get yourself to a more superior point within your life once again.

[YoungAndAngry]

Yeah... I know the point is to bring the issues to the surface,
but holy shit it's crazy hard to deal with.

I'm not proud to say I basically had a nervous breakdown after posting part of the story.
I thought of continuing it so many times, I just can't.

Now that I'm starting to feel abit stonger... I'm thinking of writing some more
The intention is here, just gotta find/energy time to get it out.

[anthony]

but holy shit it's crazy hard to deal with.

I'm not proud to say I basically had a nervous breakdown after posting part of the story.

YA, been there and done it myself... I know what your going through, because I did break, several times actually, going through getting my PTSD out.

There is no time limit on this, hence why you control it. I would only say to not give it up, but instead have a month off, allow yourself to see improvement again if you need, then go at it again. Just remember YA, you control how much you expose yourself. When it really hurts, as your now finding out, you take a break, then hit it again when you have calmed.

Your doing just fine... just don't give it away, because your seeing benefits, and your going to see more when your mind and body calm this time.

[YoungAndAngry]

It's been so damn long since I last posted.
Depression hit me hard... my nightmares 'cause me to feel as though I am leading a double life.
Often I came back, attempting to post...re-reading my thread... and every time I seemed to spiral deep into dissasociation.

(break to go play an online game or solitare or something... my minds spinning)


Ok, I've taken 2 hours to calm myself mentally enough to come back to this.


So my story left off when I was being wheeled past the Emergency Room waiting area.
The looks of the people waiting are burned in my mind.
Curiousity... pity... they all seemed to forget about their own pain for the moment... they wanted to see why there was so much blood, understand the chaos that had just flown into the hospital.
Closing my eyes was my only escape from the outside world... my head felt like it would explode... next thing I remember is vaguely acknowledging I was surrounded by Doctors and nurses in a small room.
I remember the pounding in my head... I was convinced my something inside my skull was swelling and would soon explode...
Death... what are you supposed to do or think when you think you are going to die???? I sure as hell didn't know... my brain couldn't process this...

I have always prided myself in my ability to remain calm in difficult situations, and to always treat people with courtesy.
Well, I am embarresed at the way I was acting in that room... which is silly because I was going through an enourmous amount of pain and suffering at the time.
I begged for the Doctor to 'put me out'... "PLEASE!!!!!" I pleaded "I can't deal with this situation anymore!!! Just please please! knock me out!!!!"
My requests fell on deaf ears... the docs wanted me to stay awake...

By this time my boyfriend had already called my mother and she was rushing to the hospital.
Pain medications must of been given to me at some point... because I wasn't crying when they were wheeling me to get X-Ray's done.
Everything is a blur, I cannot remember the trip to the X-Ray... but I remember when my mom walked in and saw me in the waiting area.

I was so happy to see her... (****... I'm crying now... the flashbacks and emotions are too overwhelming... this is too hard)
Her look of worry vanished when she saw me laying in the hospital bed... it was replaced with fear... she started crying even before she could get across the room to me.
The tears were silent, she tried her hardest to hide how much my appearence shocked her...
I had no idea what my nose looked like... but her reaction told me everything.
Somehow I felt like I needed to protect her from this... I couldn't protect myself... but I could protect the people around me.
So I tried my best to put on a brave face, a brave face with tears streaming down my cheeks.

[piglet]

Hey YA - congrats on making it back here. This diary stuff is so damn hard it's unreal! You are not the only one who keeps coming back, only to go away without typing anything new. You broke the pattern, so be proud!

[batgirl]

I'm also glad you've continued YA. Your diary is so full of emotion, really great work here. I've been following it for a while, and wondered why you stopped. Although I know you just had surgery and I totally understand surgery... ugh. Anyways, thanks for continuing and take care of yourself!

[YoungAndAngry]

Almost immediatly the x-ray tech comes out and wheels me into the radiology room.

"OK, tilt your head this way..." The tech slowly guides me into a head into position "good... now hold that position and don't move"
She dissappears into a protected room to start X-Ray machine... and for the first time since the accident I'm left alone.
My head is throbbing... I'm trying desperatly to hold this uncomfortable position...
"What is taking her so long?" My mind was spinning... the quiet of the cold, bare room gives me no distractions

"My nose... OMG... my nose... All that blood... What does my nose look like?? What are the Doctors going to do??... I can't handle this... it feels like my head is going to explode...."
I'm alone with my thoughts... and I'm starting to realize that this is neither a dream nor a nightmare... it's my new reality.

My mind blanks out...

... I'm back in the ER room...

"We've contacted the ENT specialists... will you be able to get her there??" The Doctor was talking to my mom.
I didn't see the Doc... I didn't see the room... I didn't even know who else was in the room.
"Absolutly, we'll leave town right away." My mom's voice answered.

I was so confused, what on earth was going on??
My groggy mind scrambles to try and process this situation.
I reach out to a blurry figure near me... I don't understand what's happening!!!!
"Wha??? Why do we have to leave?? What's going on??? Am I leaving the hospital????"

The answer blew me away... "They can't do anything for you... we must travel 500KM away to a specialist surgeon"
...Again my mind blanks...

[YoungAndAngry]

I'm sitting on the couch in my living room.

My mother had brought me and my boyfriend home.
No one knew what to say or do.
'People' seemed to know what had happened, and yet no one stopped by.
I think one of my brothers might have 'dropped in' to check out my face.

My head throbbed, the light hurt my eyes.
But I couldn't complain, because the driver stopped in at one point (brought me some Tylonel) and I knew he felt guilty already.
The drugs the hospital had pumped through my veins was starting to wear off by now
I tried to hide my pain, talking about it just 'caused an uncomfertable silence followed by suggestions to take more pain meds.

Eventually after I popped four Tylonel3's, and all the initial excitement was over, my mom left.

When my roomate came home, he remarked how I was in a 'much better mood' than he had expected me to be in, considering the situation.
For some reason... I felt so proud of my 'coping abilities'.
At this point I just wanted 'quiet'.
My eyes stung with bright lights, but closing them just transported me back into the Bronco.

...Bright blue/green/black and then red explosions just millimeters from my eyes.
The hard force impact surges through my face down to my back....
...rewind...restart...replay...repeat...

[YoungAndAngry]

Opening my eyes snaps me back into reality... all I want is calm.

The TV loudly blares infront of me, all eyes on focused on the flickering screen.
It was strange, only hours earlier all four of us (boyfriend, the other passenger, me and the dog) were in the middle of a crisis.
Now we were just sitting silently... staring at the TV...
I don't know about the others, but I never watched a moment of that show.
Every second was consumed with flying thoughts... soon the thoughts turned into questions...
... I still hadn't seen myself yet.

As stealth as I could, I made a graceful exit from the couch, and creeped into the hall bathroom.

Gently closing and locking the door behind myself, I flicked on the light.

"F*CK!!!!" It was mixed emotions looking into that mirror.
For the first time in 21 years, I didn't recognize the figure staring back at me.
My head was swollen, and since no one had thought to clean me up... my face was caked with dry crusty blood.
A deep, wide gash ran horizontally across the bridge of my nose.
Stiches poked out of mangled tissue savagely, but even more disturbing was the discovery of a severe crease/bump between my eyes that was denting under the swelling.
...F*ck... :(

It hurt just to look at my face.

Searching around the bathroom turned up no washcloths nor towels to clean up with.
Even the toilet paper roll was bare.

..Devestated, I flick the light off and go sit back on the couch.

[YoungAndAngry]

Sitting there, all I can think about is what I just saw in the mirror.
And everytime I close my eyes, I hit the truck roof again and again in my mind.

My heart starts pounding, my chest tightens...
...it feels like my body is speeding up...
"OMG!" The thought of being in the process of OD'ing off of all the pain meds I had taken, starts to dominate my thoughts.
Unfamilar with what a panic attack is... I spend the rest of the night convinced my heart is going to burst at any moment.
This is by far the craziest saturday I've ever had!!

...and I'm not scheduled for sugery until Tuesday!!!

[YoungAndAngry]

PERSONAL DIARY ENTRY April 25th, 2005

MONDAY

Went to see Dr. ***** today, ‘cause I can’t get into see Dr. ***** (my longtime family doctor) till May 30th! I made an appointment with him, I really would like for someone to explain whats going on. No one else will. All I got was stupid T3’s again, they don’t seem to understand that I have to keep continuesly taking these things in order for me to have any relief.

[YoungAndAngry]

Well, time sure does fly when your high... errrr... never mind, just memory blanks.
Anyways, I don't remember traveling to the University Hospital (5 hours away).
But I'll never forget checking into the ER triage on Tuesday.

Seeing as I had never been in such a big hospital before,
I was blown away that my parents had to wear visitor tags!
The security didn't even stop me when I entered,
just looking at my face explained that I wasn't visiting someone.
5 a.m. and the waiting room was already filling up!
Originally I was told the surgery was scheduled for 7 o'clock this morning.
So not wanting to be late, (plus severe pain) 'caused me to be there early.
I settle into a chair, my parents take seats to my right.

Finally, at some point the nurse calls my name.
I get up and head into the check-in/triage area.
It's so nice and quiet in there,
the nurse takes my blood pressure and temp.
and starts asking what happened.

"I impaled my face on a truck roof edge"
Her eyes grow wider as I'm telling my story...
...she enquires what pain meds I'm on.
She's shocked and "tsk's" when I tell her I've been popping T3's since Saturday....
...and then offers me a deal I can't refuse!!!

"Give me the bottle of T3's you have...
and I'll give you an injection of morphine."
Hell, I literally ran to my bag to retrieve the big pill container.
She put the T3's in a big baggie, which I would get back after I was discharged.
I had my sleeve up, and arm out, desperate to get some relief.

[YoungAndAngry]

My mom helped me sign in at the registration desk.
(At that point, I don't even think I knew when my birthday was!)
Now sporting a hospital bracelet,
I took my seat back in the waiting room.

There was this poor older gentleman sitting a couple of chairs down from me.
My heart went out to him.
He needed to go to the bathroom (urinate) soo bad, but for some reason his body wasn't allowing it.
I've never experienced this, but from watching him I know it's extermly painful.
Crying silently he sat beside his little wife...
All he wanted was some relief.

This poor man had been reduced to begging nurses for help.
But, the busy hospital had more 'critical' patients that would be going in before him.
He knew it, and I knew it... because that's the way hospitals are run (rightly so).
And it was sad to watch him suffering.

Eventually a nurse came out to take me into an examining room.
As I walked past the old man... I seriously contemplated asking the nurse if he could take my spot and get treated (bladder drained) right away.
(heck, my accident was on Saturday... it was Tuesday now... so waiting another couple of hours didn't seem like a big deal)
My selfishness was stronger than my empathy though...
because desperate for my own pain relief,
I walked past him and followed the nurse through the double doors.

[YoungAndAngry]

My X-Rays from Saturday were tightly cluched in my hand.
Rather than mailing them, the hospital had given them to me to bring to the specialist.

A couple of days ago... after alot of encouragmet, I had opened the stiff manila envelope, and put the x-rays up to the glass of my lizards bright cage.
What I had seen stunned me... I couldn't stop staring at it.
From the side facial shot, the nasal bone was crushed and jagged.
Several cracks running from the 'injury' spread outwards along my cheek bones/etc.

Now at my destination...
I look down at the manila envelope...
the flap looks worn from being opened so many times.
I couldn't help it, I had become obsessed with staring at the horrible picture...
Hours were spent daily sitting infront of the lizard cage,
x-rays being held up to the glass,
trying to understand that those were my x-rays.

[YoungAndAngry]

I was seen by many doctors, and some of them were bringing interns, or medical students, in to see my injury.
Thankfully, it's only a blur of a memory, and doesn't include the whole 20 hours or so I waited for surgery.

I remember being wheeled down an empty hallway headed to surgery.
A nurse parked my bed ourside the OR, annouced my arrival to a lady in scrubs behind a desk, and disappeared.
Every member of the surgery team came up to me one-at-a-time and asked the same questions over and over again.
"Name? Where are you? Do you know why you are here? Allergies? How are you feeling?" and so on.
I answered them all, and when the surgeon finally came over, I was slightly surpised at how young he looked.
But I didn't doubt his abilities at all, everyone in the hospital had been telling me great he was.
I knew I was lucky to have him work on my face.

When he spoke, his soft voice was kind, and confident in his abilities.
It instantly put me more at ease.
I groggily looked at him, and asked "can you make my nose smaller?"
The image of my swollen fat nose stood out in my mind, grossly mishaped and horrifing.
Seeing how distressed I was, he gently smiled and told me that he first needed to get inside to clean and assess my injury.
Crying, I was still so very scared... he comforted me and assured me that he would make the scar on my nose as thin and small as he could.
He sparked some hope in me, during a very dark moment.
I knew I was in good hands
I am so thankful that he was my surgeon.

[Marilyn_S]

Hello YoungAndAngry,

I have been reading your posts. I admire your ability to put your trauma in such meaningful language. My heart and thoughts are with you! I am so glad you are alive and here. Take gentle care of yourself! I will post more here later as I have some things I think would be good to share with you.

Until Later,
Marilyn

[YoungAndAngry]

I want to thank:
Marilyn S.
piglet
batgirl
anthony
Farmer
pookiespooka
Nam
Veiledfor the support they have shown me throughout 'my story'.
I'm wouldn't be suprised if I have left out some names, and I truely apologize if I did... but my memory is shot.
Anyways I really appreciate everyones kind words, thank you

[YoungAndAngry]

They wheeled my bed into the Operating Room.
I've never been in this part of a hospital before!
The room was white and sterile, there was a bed in the middle of the room, huge lights above the bed and monitoring machines lined up one after another.
Everyone was in scrubs, it was eery... I've only seen this "image" on TV before (OR's and surgeons in scrubs together).
I realized it made sense why I had to change my hospital gown and put a hair net on before I left for surgery.
Don't want infections!!

Using the bedsheet, the nurses lifted me onto the surgical table.
It really feels weird... almost like I wanted to just say "let me get up myself, I can walk"
but I was still in alot of pain, so I kinda did appreciate the 'lack of effort' on my part.

The table had arms boards sticking out of it.
They asked me to put each arm on each 'arm table'
I did, and a nurse tied my arms down to each table.
Can't remember if it was velco straps or what... but it didn't hurt or anything.
They explained to me that it was so that my arms don't fall off the table while I'm out.
hmmm.... makes sense to me!
Just feels really weird, like you are really vunerable.

Members of the OR team were amazing,
nurses were pleasent and humoured me in my doped up comments and questions.
the anesthesiologist explained to me what/how I would feel when he put me to sleep,
and coached me to relax and count down from ten.

... ten.... (my mind "so the medication is going to force me to sleep, relax... I should just stop thinking")
nine... (my mind "hmmm... wonder if I can stay awake to the count of 1??")
eight... (my mind "should I be trying to stay awake? Can I die from trying?")
seven... (my mind "omg! omg! omg!")
six... (my mind "screw it... sleep!! please sleep!!!")
five... (my mind "ZzzZzzZzzZzzZzz")

[pookiespooka]

Wow YA I just got the courage to look at your diary again. I needed to take a break for a little while because it reminded me of my own stuff. I'm surprised that they sent you home instead of taking you to the other hospital by ambulace; they should have at least given you better pain meds. I hope you're not in as much pain now as you were.

[Lisa]

Hi Young&Angry,

I actually read your diary last week, but did not reply. But I kept thinking about you. Gosh... I too, was so shocked that they sent you home with such an injury without proper pain relief. It's disgusting, actually. Well done for going through this stuff as far as you have, I know it's hard...

sending you some warm vibes.

Take care

Lisa

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you for your support.
I'm trying to finish it, but as I keep saying.
Holy crap it's hard!!!!

[YoungAndAngry]

I was crying… everything hurt so bad… I whimpered, confused and starting to panic.
The nurses tried to calm me,
“It hurts!!” I scream, desperate for relief.
“Breath, you’re holding your breath… we can’t give you anything until your heart rate and breathing rate start to normalize”
Until the nurse said it, I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to take another gasp of air.

After a few minutes, which felt like forever to me, the nurse injected morphine into my IV line. It was the kindest thing anyone could have done at that point.

Through the haze I saw my parents and boyfriends face as I was wheeled back to my room.
I drifted into a deep sleep.


I got hospital gifts the next day.
First I received a bouquet of flowers from the teachers at my College.
They didn’t have to do that… it really touched me deeply.

‘The driver’ came with carnations he had grabbed from the flower shop downstairs.
….considerate… too bad he and my boyfriend left rather than stay and keep me company.

My father showed up with a mug he had found in the gift shop.
A Picasso style mug, the big deformed nose was the handle.
Tears streamed down my face… there was no holding them back.

I remember being at the payphone several times, calling my boyfriend over and over.
My parents kept telling me to calm down and just rest.
Easier said than done!

...Memory blanks out...

The Surgeon is in my room, looking serious, about to tell us my face’s outlook.
“I had to remove the damaged and infected tissue…
you have a over 7 communiated fractures in your face…
which means that the shards of bones are too small for me to piece together.”
Tears started flowing… my face throbbed.

“I cleaned it up the best I could,
you will have a bump and scar across the bridge of your nose…
for the first bit the scar will be red, but over time it will fade…”
I exploded, sobbing, trying to take in this new information…
everything he said after that was droned out by the screams in my mind.

He explained my situation and outlook to my family.
Apparently I was lucky to be alive…
because of the way I hit the roof…
I managed to avoid becoming blind, toothless and dead.