My Trauma Diary, Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

Hello Everybody,

I decided since this is offered to go ahead and take advantage of being able to share some of my struggles with other folks with PTSD. I am thankful to have the freedom and technology to do this. I will say ahead of time, I've got alot of yuk in this brain of mine. If at anytime you get ta feeling overwhelmed at my junk, take good care of yourself and feel free to share your stuff with me too. Not that I'm a super or anything like that but I just think it'll be comforting to connect with other folks like myself.

Recently, I'll start there, I been having trouble because of spending alot more time with my mom. I love her so much but she can be so triggering. She completely denies that dad was sexually abusive to me and would probably keel over dead if she knew that I perceived her as having been verbally sexually abusive. She is a very devoted Christian and a real sweet lady but came from a life of sexual abuse herself and doesn't really understand those things called, "Appropriate Boundaries!" The following are some examples of how she used to say weird sexual things that really made me uncomfortable:


When I was just a little kid my mom was talking to me about her second husband and his experiences in the Korean War. I would like to forget this but unfortunately can't. She told me that he told her that during the war when the guys were out cold and hungry alot of women got raped. She then told me that he said one time he saw these guys rape a lady then cut her breasts off and eat them. I'm really sorry to be so graphic but this sh*t really freakin haunts me!
Mom always says that if she had known she would have done something to stop my half brother from molesting me and my little sister. But when I was 5 and tried to tell her she threatened to spank me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't know why this particular situation sits in my head so strong and I never forgot it but anyway, My bro told me that if I'd go upstairs and play nasty with him he'd take me to the pool. I feel some shame about this because even though I was a little tike I knew he meant NASTY and didn't really mind. When I got upstairs he had a little more in mind. He tied me up, gaged my mouth, blind folded me, took my undies off and began to try to fully rape me (I was 5). My other brother came just in time to stop him. I was blind folded so I'll never really know if my other brother had fun with me before the fight. All I remember is feeling a body part on my pri*ate area and warm yukky stuff falling on me. I hate this. I know it was then and this is know but everytime this stuff pops in my head and my body responds in ways in which I have no control I feel like a disgusting person. I hate my own body. It betrays me!!!!!!!!!! I love my dear husband with all my heart. He is my handsome best friend. I want to feel good about being with him but its like my body only wants to respond when something is disgusting or perverted. I am very blessed by God that this has not affected my love and physical affection toward my kids. It just causes me to feel mascocistis. Perhaps that is why I used to allow my first husband to hit me, pull my hair, and slam me down on things. I remember thinking on several occasions, please just finish your fun and kill me, choke me, beat my head in, do something! I want to die but don't have the guts to do it myself.GOTTA go now. Can't do any more. This is harder than I ever thought it could be but I have to do it. I can't hold it in any more. If I do I'm surely going to fester!

LUV to ALL
Marilyn :eek: :crybaby:

[Marilyn_S]

Gosh, its me again. Since this is a diary thing I guess I'm kinda gonna use it like that. Feelin a little overwhelmed right now. Not at anything I've read cause there's nothin I haven't read, heard, saw, or experienced. Well except for the Devil and/or Davie Jones Locker! I'm hoping I can leave my physical symptoms here right now. I feel sick to my stomach, I have a head ache, I'm exhausted, and I still havn't cooked dinner yet or helped my son read and do his homa work or started on the big fat pile of unsorted dirty laundry I have seemingly volcanizing in my laundry room! Why on earth does my silly brain waste so much energy popping up things from childhood and the past when I've got so much to do right now. This is just freakin inconvenient! I'm kind of banging my head right now because staying busy is how I turn off my don't want to feel it, remember it, deal with it or experience it button on my brain's CPU chip! Stupid brain!

I shouldn't do this because if anybody really actually reads my written verbal diareah, of which I'm sure is a bit too much info!, They might be a fearin' to even acknowledge they tackled reading it. I'm sorry. I'm apolojizing to who ever is patient enough to have read this. I'm doing so because I know what my hidden motive was behind saying it. When in all actuality I should just be honest and up front and just say what's on my heart. If anyone has been kind and brave enough to read my junk, when ya catch a moment amid this vast, fast pased, busy, global community, write me a line and just say, "yo, I hear ya, and you are a survivor!" What I was going to share is a secret only God, my sweetie, and my therapist knows, but I feel so stupid, I have to somehow know I'm not some kind of freak! I am so sorry for saying this. I'm probably being a boundary idiot but as of late I've again been having urges to use my hobbie knife to put scratches on my arm underneath my watch. No one can see it but it still makes me feel really rediculous. Its like a drug. It hurts for a few moments and really draws my attention away from my unwanted brain activity. There! I said it! Now that I feel completely rediculous, I'm going to go cook my family some dinner. Man! I'm such an egocentric ditts to actually say all this stuff. Ouch Marilyn! Be nice! That hurt! Little fight back self talk there.
Later,
LOVE to ALL
Marilyn

[kers]

But when I was 5 and tried to tell her she threatened to spank me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't know why this particular situation sits in my head


It makes sense to me that this incident sticks in your head....you tried to get help to deal with what was happening. Your mom, who is supposed to protect you, didn't, and in fact made you feel like you had done wrong. I had something similar happen when I tried to tell and it still haunts me, having my mother choose not to protect me.

I know where you're coming from with the self-harm, too. I am trying really hard to let that bit of old coping go. I find that when I am cutting, I am able to avoid the feelings altogether. And the only way to get over this PTSD is to feel the feelings, all the way.

Hang in there.

[Marilyn_S]

Hello kers,

Thank you for taking time to read my stuff and for understanding. I am glad i've found this place. I want to get better, grow, heal, and know peace. Lofty desires I guess but that's what I want. I am glad to be acquainted with you. And you hang in there too fellow survivor! And about the cutting, thanks for sharing that with me. Sometimes I feel alot of shame over that. Its not really that I want to feel good about that, but I want to feel good about me. Knowing a fellow survivor has struggled with the same problem (although I'm sorry you've had that struggle too) helps me not feel so alone and rediculous! Take care...
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

Its 2:30 A.M. and I'm a PTSDin'!!! I was sleeping and my sweetie got up to go wee wee. When he russled the coveres to get back in bed I was little again, I saw the ROOM, the darkness, and I was so scared. He woke me up, bless his poor sweet heart. The man can't even go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without his wife freakin out! He's a trooper though! I'll give his that. He turned the light on, got me awake good. I'm OK now. I want to cry but just don't have the ability. My head's spacey and I'm numbing out. "This is Major Tom to ground control! I'm floating in a most peculiar way... Here I am sitting in my tin can far above the world. Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do!" (David Boey)
I'm going to go back to sleep now if I can. I think I'll go sleep in the recliner in the kiving room so I can be in a sitting up position. I'm less venerable that way.
Later...

[Lisa]

Hi Marilyn,

There's a lot in here that I think I can comment on, and I will come back to do that when my head is more coherent itself...

But I wanted to drop by and say hello fellow survivor and add a couple of comments now. You're 'admission' (which I think really goes without saying and is not some kind of 'alterior motive', rather a rightful need), well done for saying how you really feel. Sometimes it's scary admitting things like just wanting to feel less alone and not a 'freak' (which you are not). I want the same. I hear ya darlin', and you are a survivor. And still surviving through the aftermath....

I am also someone who understands well about self-harm. It is under control now (touch wood) but I most definitely understand the urge and need. It is hard NOT doing it, because it means sitting through 'it'. I have found, and still find that hard, but once I sat through it a few times it broke the habitual reaction to go and self-harm, it's now something I have to think carefully about if I really want to do it. There is hope... when you are ready and in the right place, you can start to test what you can tolerate emotionally, and the self-harm urges will eventually reduce.

Your PTSD seems fast-paced at the moment, which must be difficult. Hang in there....

Lisa.

[Marilyn_S]

Its late afternoon. I feel a little better, well alot better than last night. But I'm very fatigued today. Alot of stuff on my mind just life stress related. Trying to stay functional for my family but just feel like sleeping. Then I have a dickens of a time gettin' to sleep at night. Well, gotta go.
Love to all
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

A Poem by me: Marilyn AKA Pseudonym (Seasons Malloney)

No one knows me in those quiet hours,
When I feel unclean and my joy sours.
Like a turtle in my shell with my sharpened toes pressed inward,
I am careful not to move or fear and pain are my reward.
My heart struggles with longing inside me.
I desire warm protection and acceptance that is free.
An infection takes my heart by storm.
Toxic shame begins to form.
The past is now a secret place
That puts itself in my soul’s space.
I pine for a parent to fill the hole
That grows like madness in my soul.
I wish someone would hear my plea
And teach me how to rescue me.
I wish someone could help me see.
The ugly person is not me.

Another poem by Me, Marilyn AKA Pseudonym (Seasons Malloney)

When solemn silence invades the night
And darkness hides the daytime light
My eyes are open to the pain
Of salient dreams my brain’s disdain.
Events from my life form like glaciers of ice.
They fall from the past to present precise.
I can feel and hear them happening now
Like the haunting swish of a willow’s bough.
A large angry hand grabs my face.
Fingernails make a bloody place.
The sting of a fence vine swings with force.
It hits my bear back like a whip on a horse.
A chilling warm breath parts the hair on my head.
The touch that I long for makes me feel dead.
I am struggling because there is no place to go.
Pain grips my heart and seems all I know.
It pulses like madness through my mind.
It makes my eyes reality blind.
But I’ll hold on even though I feel weak.
I’ll not give up on the self that I seek.
Carry me back home mother dear,
Where I lived in constant fear,
Where happy birds sang their flippant song,
Where secrets forgotten still hide the wrong.
On the surface it seems there is peace and still.
But my tormented soul hides a broken will.
The ache inside my broadened mind
May seize me to leave my life behind.
Where is the self that I should see?
Who is the person I should be?
It seems that joy can’t hold together.
Are comfort and peace gone forever?
Can you hear my lonely plea?
Jesus! Please rescue me!
All I ask is for some peace.
I plea to have my strength increase.
So I can feel my own embrace
And know my mind is a safe place.

[Marilyn_S]

WOW! I just realized how really goofy my thread title sounds! I should have called it, "The Marilyn Diary"

Well, Its the middle of the night and since I slept most of the day like a bum, I'm wide awake now. DANG IT!!!!! Its 12:30 AM here in hill billy ville. I think my anger is wanting to come out in sarcasm. It does that alot. Its usually directed at myself because I don't care if I hurt myself. It feels a whole lot more safe to do that. I don't want to hurt other people. I'm a person with PTSD. That would make me a JERK with PTSD! May be I should give each of my weird states of being a name. I could be a regular Sybel. Except that would get very confusing after a while. I'm confused enough all ready. Well, I'm going to quit being Marilyn the motor mouth and try to go to sleep.

Captain's Log, Star Date 2006, Space Cadette Marilyn signing off!
Love to all!
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. This hurts really bad and I feel a bit venerable. But here goes.

* When I was six, my oldest half brother was involved in the satanist church. He said that was the reason he did what he did. One day he took me by the arm, didn't say a word, and lead me up stairs to the window at the top of the staircase. He instructed me to lean over a stool he had placed in front of the window. He removed my underware and began to slowly rape me. When I screamed with pain he covered my mouth and nose with his hand and I couldn't breath. All I remember is it was over quick and he couldn't look at me after. He had a picture of a naked lady on the floor by the stool I was leaning over. I was very scared even though he didn't go very far and it didn't hurt that bad. I lied to mom and told her I fell on my tricycle. The memory of this incident did not come back to me until I was 36 years old. I had to go back to the old house we lived in at the time to see if my memory was just a sick trick of my brain. When I got to the house in Kansas, it was exactly like I remember it being when we lived there. It was for sale so I called the owner and ask if I could go in. As I walked through the old house my whole body began to shake. I thought I was going to pass out. I managed to make my way upstairs and there it was. The window, the corner, chipped paint and faided wall paper. This helped me to realize I wasn't just a freak with a twisted brain. My memory was real. I really loved my big bubby. It was real hard on me because he just dissapeared after that. He reappeared when my family moved to another town in MO. It is so hard for me because the people that hurt me are the people I love. My bubby is in prison now. He stabbed a man to death with a hunting knife. He's been in prison for 14 years now. He's very sick with cancer. I've never went to see him because it hurts so bad to see him a prisoner. I wanted him to have a good life. I normal life with a wife, kids, job, and nice home. He will never have that. He used to carry me to school on his shoulders everyday and when he picked me up, if he had money, he'd stop by the convenience store and buy me candy. He used to tell me to be a good girl and do good in school. He would say that he was proud of me for being such a cute and smart little sister. I'm crying now but I have to keep going. I can't hold this in any more. He used to tell me really funny stories to make me laugh. He called me his little "Eskimo Arab". He once told me that he walked all the way across the African desert carrying his camel on his back. Appearently the cammel had fainted from lack of water. His silly story always made me laugh. He told me if I didn't eat my spinich and peas I would be scrawny and weak and wouldn't be able to carry my camel across the desert.
I have to go now. I'll write more later.

[Marilyn_S]

* When I was about 8 or 9 my mom used to come in my room in the middle of the night and pull the covers off of me. She would usually quickly put them back on me. I never ask her why she was doing it. I know it was because she knew that I was sexually acting out. One day she told me that people who play with themselves are evil. She told me about this old widow lady she used to know that stuck vegitables up inside herself to get off. I remember hetting real sick after she told me that. After that, every time I acted out I would blame the fights mom and dad had on myself. I knew God was punishing me for acting out. I
* Sometimes, I think mom was jealous of me because I remember her when I was at a very young age telling me about her and dad's sex life. She would tell me that dad had a big one. She would tell me about her teddies and how they really turned dad on. One time, she told me that dad loved her breast and that he said one of them was chocolate and the other was strawberry.
* I was so scared when mom and dad fought. Dad would always look at me with a look of utter hate in his eyes. They didn't seem to care if my sister and I saw them fighting. Dad put big holes in the wall with his fist. Mom would throw things at dad and tell him he was a worthless bum.

This is so hard. It hurts so bad. I feel so alone, disgusting, and dirty. I don't know if I can do this.

[Marilyn_S]

I am struggling because there is no place to go.
Pain grips my heart and seems all I know.
It pulses like madness through my mind.
It makes my eyes reality blind.

[Marilyn_S]

* Mom used to take me and my little sister to these weird churches. They would say it was the end days and that we better be prepared to have our heads cut off for God. One time this yukky old man who was supposed to be a preacher hugged me and wouldn't let go. I was twelve and very fully developed. He groped me until I finally pushed away. I didn't tell mom. She wouldn't have listened anyway. She kept saying, "Old Brother so in so she is a good preacher isn't he.

I can't believe I'm writing all this stuff. I've never even said some of these things to anyone, much less writing them.

I don't know how this could be good. I hurt so bad. But its like I have flu or something and just can't quit puking it out. My head is dizzy and I feel weak.

[Marilyn_S]

I don't know what kind of game my body is playing with me. I disgusted at my body. I hate it!!!!!!! I have to go get my som at school. I have to pull out of this and put a smile on my face. I want to cut so bad I can't stand it! But Damn it! I'm not going to do it!!!!! I want to see the blood and feel the sting! But I'm not going to do it!!!

[waynes]

The only way that you are going to heal is to get this out... Sweety, you may want to slow down a bit... Catch your breath. You are my best friend and i want you to heal, but please slow down.......

:kiss:
Wayne at work.

[Marilyn_S]

Thank you Wayne. I think you are right. If I can quit this puking for awhile, may be I can catch my breath

I am feeling a little better tonight. I've become acquainted with some folks with similar struggles to my own. I don't feel quite so alone. I'm going to take 2 vals tonight. Bottle says one three times daily as needed. I hardly ever take them but I have to get some sleep. I'm feeling real numb right now.
Later
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

I went to Tulsa Oklahoma with my Husband, Step Son, and Brother-in-law today. I just went along to be out of the house. It was really boring because they went to a gun store. As we were on our way back home to Missouri I started having some bad immages in my head. Even though Wayne is a caring and supportive husband, I feel so alone when these things happen. I don't know if I can write anymore about the things that happened to me. All I feel is intense pain, shame, and I do not know what to do about the anger but self distructive things. This is not because I'm stupid! All I feel like doing now is saying self debasing things. But I'm going to do just the opposite damn it!!!!!!
* I'm a loving mother
* I take good care of my 7 year old son and show love and dedication to the health and well being of all of my children, (my 7 year old son, My 16 & 19 year old daughters, my 24 year old step son and my 27 year old step daughter who doesn't live at home.
* Although I struggle daily with depression, low self worth, and physical illness due to my PTSD, I am a good and faithful wife to my husband.


I do not know what else to say. I am not feeling well physically or emotionally. I laugh. I smile. act friendly just like a person without PTSD. But inside, I want to cry many times a day and I have to force myself to leave the house and go out in public. Inside I feel like there is a cancer eating away at my insides or like I am mortally wounded and am internally bleeding.

[Marilyn_S]

... He slammed me down on the bed by grabbing the back of my neck with one hand and a hand full of my hair with the other hand. I just layed there. He grabbed some nylon rope and secured my hands and feet tying them to the bed posts with my face downward towards the matress. He lifted my head up by grabbing my hair. He stuck a long neck bottle of Jack Daniels down my throat and forced me to swallow the whiskey by holding my nose. He took the plastic rod off of one of the window blinds. He beat my back with it until I could see blood running off of my back and onto the bed...

[Marilyn_S]

...When he left me for another woman, I began sleeping with whoever I deemed attractive enough to spark my interest. They were all boring!!!!! All I wanted was for him to come back to me. I felt like a used discarted old shoe. He would intermetently come to spend the night when my daughters were away. He would get rough with me, be forceful, and would rape me in every way possible as I allowed him to do so with tears streaming down my face. After a while he didn't even use himself to rape me put foreign objects that were painful and demeaning to me.

[Marilyn_S]

No one knows me in those quiet hours,
When I feel unclean and my joy sours

[Marilyn_S]

...One night (when my girls were at their grandma's) I decided to party on my own, as I was alone most of the time anyway except for my two baby girls. I put on music by "Nine Inch Nails", drank about a pint of tequila, took several downers and tore the house to peices. I woke up in the hospital. They let me go that day. I guess I had called one of my instructors from school to tell him I wouldn't be in class the next morning. He asked me if I'd been drinking and I told him what I had done. I guess he was the one who called 911. No one seemed to alarmed at the ER though. They checked me out and with no questions ask let me go the next day. Guess I was just another drunk whore!

[waynes]

I know its hard sweety.... All of this has to be delt with! I think the last of it is with what happened a short while before we met. These images with the x are some of what has been keeping you from a more complete healing. I promise I wont shoot the bastard. His like is not worth jail time. Temping as it might be:gunem-dow !!!!!:hit-boss: :cussing: Ca I just kick the sh@t out of him? A little??

Your loving husband

[Marilyn_S]

OK Darlin'! Simmer Down! I definately do not need more violence in my life even though the thought of his ass being whipped sounds quite amusing! I am so glad I have you! You are my best friend! Glad I'm not in this healing stuff alone. Feels like it sometimes, but that's cause my brain gets so overloaded! Kiss Kiss!

Your Wife Marilyn

[YoungAndAngry]

Awww... seeing the two of you on here together... well it just makes me happy :)

Marilyn, congratulations on writing out your trauma diary
trust me, I know how hard it can be sometimes.

Take care of yourself,
Y&A

[Marilyn_S]

I wasn't going to come back here but I'm feeling very dizzy. I'm trying to come off of the Concerta I've been on. I got rid of the welbutrin. Sometimes I wonder if the Paxil is a bad batch or something because I'm feeling really dizzy, puffy headed, and I feel these strange zaps. Oh well I'll be OK. Untill later.

[Lisa]

I was going to say the same as Youngandangry! It's nice that you have such a supportive husband, good to see.

Having read through your diary, I can see that it has been a difficult time recently. I hope you are doing okay today....

Your poems are very powerfully written, I like them :) It's nice to see others use poetry to express their emotions too, and you do it well. It's also nice to see that someone takes particular lines from their poems on days that match how they feel - I do that! Sometimes simply one word isn't enough, is it?

You have been through so much, Marilyn, and your survival is to be commended. I can relate to some of your feelings in here, particularly the self-hate at my body. I am a hypocrite saying this, but why are YOU disgusting? I don't think you are. The persons who are disgusting are those that have abused you. I know only too well how hard it is to rid yourself of those feelings of utter ugliness, inside and out. But those feelings are feelings someone has stuck on you. They are not truth. But I guess if someone tells you those things, and treats you as if you are those things, eventually you are going to start believing it. Undoing that takes finding yourself, having people prove that you are NOT those things to you, and finding your own truth. It all started when you were a child, and when you were a child you could not make sense of why those things happened. Now it's time to make sense of it all, and realise, finally, who the ugly person really is.

I see that you have a gentle beauty that shines through in your writing, and how you reach out to people. And real-ness. You know what human compassion and care is, because you (sadly) have seen and known the true opposite.

Keep on keeping on.

Lisa.

[Marilyn_S]

I see that you have a gentle beauty that shines through in your writing, and how you reach out to people. And real-ness. You know what human compassion and care is, because you (sadly) have seen and known the true opposite.

Keep on keeping on.

Lisa.
Thank You Lisa!
It feels so good to be regarded that way. You words are a blessing to my heart.
Love & Care
Marilyn

[Marilyn_S]

Gosh, I'm like a doggone' roller coaster! I'm feeling pretty good right now but a little lonely. I talked to my mother today. It was very hard to do but I love her and I forgive her for what she did. I want to have a relationship with her. She was upset but was able to admit something I had never heard her say. She said, "Don't you think I get a little mental illness going when I think about what happened?"
It was amazing to me that she actually acknowledged that abuse occured. However, toward the end of our conversation she said, "I never did anything wrong, I was a good mom and a loving mom and did the best I could. If I'd known the stuff was happening I would have stopped it."

This was a very hurtful lie. She did know and many times punished me for allowing it to happen by spanking me. How could I have stopped it even if I wanted to? I am happy I'm out of the hospital but I'm very sad at the same time and feel a little lonely. I don't really understand why. I could be spending time playing with my son or doing something constructive. Oh well, guess I'll get off here and start dinner for my family. I'm just rambling anyway. I think I have OCD or something! Or, maybe I'm just an idiot. Sweet people say kind things and for a while it feels so good, then I flop back into feeling low and lonely again. Darn it! I just need to pullout of it and go do something constructive!

[Lisa]

Hey,

I'm glad that you're doing okay at the moment. It's really good that you're mum finally admitted that you had been abused... that's a massive thing. I'm sorry that she then backtracked by lying about it. I suspect a guilty conscience on her part... she knows that she spanked you for it. But she is not going to want to face up to that easily. Maybe the 'little mental illness' she gets when she thinks about it is partly related to that? I don't know, just tossing some ideas around...

I know about feeling loneliness, even when there are people around me. I guess PTSD is such a personal struggle, it is lonely in the sense that you go through it, nobody else. Perhaps the loneliness also relates to your mother's words? On the one hand, how great that she acknowledged your abuse. But on the other hand, she didn't face up to her reaction at the time... I guess that could trigger the loneliness you felt at the time? I don't know, maybe an over analysis...

PM anytime if it helps :)

Lisa.

[wadoo]

Dear Marilyn,

I hope you dont mind that I read your diary. I'm glad I did. You have much pain caused by people that should have been protecting.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I know that you probably have heard this a million times but there is.

You deserve such a supportive, loving, caring husband as much as he deserves such a supportive, loving, caring wife. Together you will climb mountains bigger than anyone can ever imagine and as exhausting as it is you will get there.

Please stop putting yourself down because everytime you hate yourself you imprint it deeper into your being dont you think you've already seen and felt enough hatred and blackness.

Try replacing a kind word to yourself instead of a demeaning word even though you dont beleive the kind word eventually it will become second nature to you.

I hate myself with a passion sometimes but I still look at myself in the mirror and tell me that I'm pretty, sympathetic, a good person, I have a good sense of humour, that I'm kind, compassionate, strong because I'm still here and I'm a survivor etc.

But when I'm in the midst of a bad day I dont believe any one of those words at all in fact I had to write them down in my book just so I can remember what the words are that I have to tell myself.

Start thinking to yourself that you might actually be a nice person.. that this might actually be true.

I understand that it's really hard when your down as it is for me. Its such a struggle and the climb back up is really really tough but beating yourself up just makes it tougher.

I wish i could give you other advice on your actual life but i cant just know that I hear you and I feel your pain and that I would love for you to message me also along with Lisa if you need a sympathetic ear or just a chat, I've got great recipes hehehe. And I mean this sincerely, if you're like me it's hard to understand that someone actually wants to take an interest in you without wanting something from you.

Thinking of you.
Lorry

[Marilyn_S]

(((((wadoo)))))) Thank You! I needed to hear that.

[Marilyn_S]

Ok, I'm cutting to the chase! I am having feelings that I am confused about. The following people used me, abused me physically, sexually, and emotionally, (dad, mom, 2 half brothers, grandpa (the stinky old filthy fool is decomposed in a grave now), grandma, a disgusting old nasty traveling evangelist mom had living with us for a while, and my x husband if that is what you want to call him! (and I might add) my mother and father also neglected to meet the basic needs of my sister and me many times. One time we lived in the car. Sorry to be so darn open but I have to get this rage out. They made us pee in a cup and throw it out the window because they would not stop the car to let us go to the bathroom. They were on the run because the welfare was going to take us kids! I wanted the welfare to take us. I wanted a clean bath in a real bath tub, not a f*cking bowl! This sh*t still happens to kids! Why? Why do innocent kids have to suffer violence and the depraved minds of pedofile perverts!!!! I feel so helpless to ever even come close to making it stop!!! Everytime I think about another little child being abused its like I'm being abused all over again!!! Its in the papers! Its on TV! I want to hide from this world! I feel so much rage!!!!! I HATE politicians!!!!!! Sorry! I know hate is not constructive but it is how I feel right now. They are egocentric, power hungry, bast*rds! All of them!!!! Democrats and Republicans! Allthey care about is placating the masses so they can get votes and be the big cheeses! They let this shit happen! Judges are swine!!!!!!!!! Lawyers (I will not even go there). Am I guilty too? Do I let it go on too? I hate this world!!! I am so angry and confused. Why must GOD allow such suffering. I know I've rationalized this question in other posts but I want to understand on an emotional level! I can hardly stand the thought that may be my x did something with my daughters when they were little. They seem quite healthy. I can't believe I allowed them to be with him alone when they were little. I didn't do it very often because I was afraid he wouldn't watch them well enough or that he would be mean to them. I was working and trying to get an education so that I could have the ability to leave him. I know that sounds terrible. But after he started being Mr. Sadistic, I stopped really loving him and just held on so my daughters would not have to suffer the horrible poverty I did. They were so precious and so beautiful. They still are though I fear we have grown less loving toward one another as they have gotten older. I am unloading so much here. Its weird, it feels so painful but so liberating at the same time. Perhaps this is the lancet. I'm getting the infection out. I am so confused!

[Marilyn_S]

I feel so helpless to ever even come close to making it stop!!! Everytime I think about another little child being abused its like I'm being abused all over again!!! Its in the papers! Its on TV! I want to hide from this world! I feel so much rage!!!!!

I am working on these types of triggers because my anger and rage will not get me anyplave but bombarted with automatic negative thoughts about myself. I am human and it would be impossible for me to ever just change the whole world, but one day I believe that I can help others who have PTSD and I can also help prevent at least some children from being abused by caring about and educating their parents.

I HATE politicians!!!!!! Sorry! I know hate is not constructive but it is how I feel right now. They are egocentric, power hungry, bast*rds! All of them!!!! Democrats and Republicans! Allthey care about is placating the masses so they can get votes and be the big cheeses! They let this shit happen! Judges are swine!!!!!!!!! Lawyers (I will not even go there).

I do not hate anybody. I just feel so helpless sometimes to effect positive change. What I hate is greed and people's lust for ego driven power. In my oppinion it seems to just drive politicians to decisions that are the quick easy answer rather than long term solutions.

Am I guilty too? Do I let it go on too? I hate this world!!! I am so angry and confused. Why must GOD allow such suffering. I know I've rationalized this question in other posts but I want to understand on an emotional level!



I guess someday my understanding will be better as I struggle through the healing process.

[Marilyn_S]

It is 10:38 PM here in Missouri USA and I am actually feeling very peaceful at this moment. I am going to practice some positive self talk. I am a visual person more than auditory in reference to learning so writing positive statements about myself I hope will help. I do not know. Its just an experiment.

[Marilyn_S]

:claps: no :crazy:


I like to sew and am getting better at it. I made all the curtains in my house and lined them with soft quilt batting for insulation purposes. I am an industrious person.
I like to write poetry. People have told me I am pretty good at it. I think some of it is very pretty. I am a creative person.
I have very strong emotions sometimes that cause me to feel out of control but I try not to hurt others or be rude when I'm feeling bad. I am a caring person.
I have been through alot in life but am still alive and undergoing personal growth. I am a strong person.
I love to say funny stuf and make people laugh. I have a good sense of humor.This is kind of fun but I know I will have to come back to it later when bad things pop in my head. Like just now. It was like this mean little brain cell decided to fight the good. The thought, "man I'm such a weird-o' " popped up. I recon' its not weird to practice healing and self building words.

[Marilyn_S]

My mother very frequently verbally abused me. She would say things that to this day I here ringing in my ears in the form of automatic negative thoughts. Easter is coming and I will end up at my brothers house and my mother's back yard Penticostal Church. I dread it but they are my family. The following is a poem I wrote to explain my delimma. I am putting it here because of my feelings right now and how it seems to be the only way I can put my feelings in words without self bashing and self pity. That is not what I want. I want healing!

To Kill a White Dove
Hear it cooing in my ears the sound of patronizing?
Her voice of simple baneful sweetness I am recognizing.
She states in mellifluous cuning I am her little white dove,
When all the time the person she seeks is one she can push and shove.
These hateful words are hard for me because she is my mother.
But if it were not I she beguiled, it would simply be another.
She uses her hoary head to say that wisdom is her bedfellow
When time has only made her truth a noxious faded yellow.
The dove is but a symbol of something pure and white,
To throw her dirt of life upon and target crimson bright.
But how does heart with grace for voice stop the aweful sound?
Kill the dove place in its stead an eagle freedom bound.

[Marilyn_S]

I tried to edit the above posts but took too long so I will just add what I was going to say in a new post. My mother is still very manipulative with me. She also says strange things about my body that make me very uncomfortable. Back when I had agreed to attend her dogmatic, legalistic, back yard cultish church, she referred to me as her, "Little White Dove". I tried to help her out with her little fledgling church but everytime i attended i would be triggered by her sermons. They would send me back to my childhood when fear was all I knew. I would go home and roll up in a ball and cry. I just can not do it and be that eagle. if I attend her church I will be a scarlet dove cooing in captivity rather than a strong and mighty eagle flying toward freedom, strength and healing. I have such a hard time saying no to her. She is my mother and it is my beliefe that I should always respect her and love her regardless of how she treats me. I want to do the right thing but I do not want to get sicker and crash.

[Marilyn_S]

I know someday the pain will not be so bad. I know someday I will feel some peace. I have to hope. I have to hope. I would rather spend an entire day in labor pain to deliver healing than spend one moment in numbness to evade eventuality.

One Silent Night
There once was a little girl with auburn ringlets on her head.
She loved to color pictures with her favorite color red.
She loved to dress her dollies in their finest lacey dresses.
She was sure to never spill the tea because, "Good girls don't make messes!"
Then one day the devil came and stole her daddy's soul.
He had no light inside his mind his heart was black as coal.
In the quiet still of night his stealthy shadow grew.
He took a silent unseen gun and taught her something new.
He taught her how to use the gun and put it to her head.
The little girl did not wake up, her innocence was dead!

[Marilyn_S]

I hurt because I can never be that little girl. She is dead. Big Bird is a boy, he has a penus. I learned from a very early age to just let them have what they want. It was the only way to be safe. I can not run from this. My daddy took his penus and made me put my mouth on it. He told me I was his little angel and that I was more beautiful than Snow White. He said our love was special and not to tell anyone. I can not stop the pain I feel. I no longer feel dirty, or guilty. I loved my daddy. I hurt so bad I can not stop the pain. Why did my daddy do that? Wasn't momma enough? I refuse to feel shame.

[Marilyn_S]

S-Self degrading
H-Hurtful humiliation
A-Artificial guilt
M-Miserable strife
E-Egocentric hypervigelence

[Marilyn_S]

I am pretty calm now. This is good progress for me in that I was just working on my time line of trauma in my private journal. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He is a very nice man. He took time to listen to some of the flash backs and memories that were bothering me. It seems less of a big deal today. He put me back on one of my old meds. I am on alot of meds but if they can help me be able to work on my issues, I guess that's just OK.
I'm now on: Paxil 40mg
Wellbutrin 150mg
Concerta 36mg x 2
Abilify 5mg
Clonazepam 1mg as needed to help me sleep.

It is nice to feel better and feel as though I have some control of my emotions. I am so much like a roller coaster emotionally.

[Marilyn_S]

Something came to me about the anger, the rage, and the hate. It is about my daddy. The whole time he was alive our home was filled with violent anger. There were so many holes in our walls. Momma would put masking tape over them and paint over the tape. Daddy always threatened to kill himself. He always yelled out that he knew he was no good. Momma was very mean. She would agree with him. They fought almost every day. My sister and I always felt like it was our fault. I remember thinking God was punishing me for sexually acting out.
My daddy also fought with my brothers or visa versa. Big loud fist fights with lots of blood. I always had to clean up the blood.
My dad had detox seizures. He would shake, turn blue, scratch himself until he bled, then roll around on the ground yelling. Mom made fun of him and said he was just faking mental illness to get out of working because he was lazy. It did not look fake to me. One time momma called the police. They left my daddy there blue and shaking on the ground and told my mom to just leave him there and he'd sober up soon enough. He must have felt so alone and so scared. I was not afraid of him but momma would not let me go to him. She told me to stay in the house and leave the old fool alone. Momma was so mean.

[Marilyn_S]

My brother David (my approx. age 6 years)... I see a window. I feel a hand gripping my mouth tightly. I am in a corner near the top of a stair case in front of a window. The curtain was pulled back on the window, I see light and the grass below. I am leaning on a stool and my dress is up and my panties are down. I hear a soft whisper in my ear, "I'm so sorry for this little sis. Its not your fault. Please do not scream or I will have to hurt you." I hear that in my head, "I will have to hurt you". There was a naked lady picture on the floor. My brother hurt me. He made my private area bleed. I thought my brother loved me. He used to carry me to school on his shoulders. He tried to be a good big brother. He is in prison now and has been for 14 years. He murdered someone by stabbing them with a knife in the throat. I spoke with him in prison a few years back. He said, "can you ever forgive me little sis for what I did? I didn't even know what he was talking about. I had completely blocked the memory of the incident. I thought he was talking about the murder. It was confusing when he said, "Do not let what I did cause you to be depressed. Feel good about yourself and please try to forgive me." I know now what he was talking about. It was the rape. My sister never forgot her rape. He had raped both of us as quickly as possible. Only a momentary penitration. He was in a satanist cult and one of his fellow cult members threatened to use either my sister or me as a virgin sacrifice. They were crazy as shit house rats and on LSD, LUDES, HEROINE... I only came to the knowledge of this as my other brother and my little sister colaborated the story flooding and plagueing my brain in the form of nightmares and sensory flashbacks.

It feels very painful to write this particular trauma, because I really love my brother David. I wanted so much better for him in life. I do not care about that time long ago when he hurt me. Though it causes me great emotional pain, I love him anyway. Deep inside him was a good man. He got so messed up on drugs and the cult culture, it ruined his whole life. That hurts almost as bad as what he did to me. I am powerless to change that. All I can do is feel the pain and accept reality and love him anyway regardless of how much his situation hurts me. He is dying in prison. He has cancer and is not expected to live much longer. He will die in prison. I want to go see him but I am afraid it will hurt too bad. If he had known about dad and Cecil, he would have killed them. He always told me to keep my dress down and be a good little girl. he told me I was smart and bright as the sunshine. Remembering the good in him hurts so bad. I miss him. I love my bubby Eddie but he is so superficial in his relationship with me. I can not talk about anything with him or show any deep emotions. He pushes me away when I do. David was my hero. My tall handsome night in shining armor. I remember thinking I wanted to marry him when I grew up. But I never told anybody. When mom would slap me in the face or spank me with a switch, I would go to him and he would let me cry on his shoulder. He would hold me and I felt so safe. Until he hurt me. One day he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Good bye little sis". I never saw him after that. He went to California where he sold drugs. When he came back he was a completely different person. He was vulgar and filthy and said inappropriate sexual things to me. I do not remember how old I was when he returned, but I was in my teens. He went to church one day and gave his heart to God. He tried so hard to stay clean. I was so proud of him. Then he did it. In 1991, he had gone back to drinking. He killed a man by stabbing him in the neck with a knife. My heart was torn in two. I will never forget that day. It was may 13, 1991. My mother's birthday. We were all in very deep grief as I am sure the family of the man he killed was too. We all felt both grief and shame at the same time. It was horrible.

[Marilyn_S]

Crying out.
Hate the images in my head.
Hate my body.
I can not ignore it.
My brain wants chaos.
They killed me and my body wants life.
So I see blood from my body and it feels good.
Then I see it is only a piece of meat, muscle, tissue, bone.
Big deal.
So What.
There is anger somewhere that I must not let go.
It is a cancer that eats at my soul.
Will the good part of me die like my innocense?
Will I decide to go too far?

[Marilyn_S]

Why must I always be foolish and say what is inside me?
My inner being is naked and venerable.
I want so bad to believe.
I want so bad to trust.
So much more to be said.
There are only details and no connection.
I feel, I see, I hear, I even smell but there is no connection.
The connection died and I see denial.
That is why I hate me.
My brain is playing sick and twisted games with me.
I am tired, so tired.

[Marilyn_S]

I got a tatoo in red ink on my upper abdomen. It says,

"The Image of God"

Perhaps seeing it will remind me, the body I harm was created in the image of God. I did this yesterday to take action against my own urges to self harm (cut). A close friend of mine that knows I have a problem with this adiction said, "Its not good Marilyn. Its like you are treating yourself like a piece of meat." Her words made me think. The tatoo is beautiful! I think it will help.

[Marilyn_S]

I woke up this morning having horrible flashbacks. They were more of a physical nature in that I kept feeling my dad's hands on me. But then it got visual and I saw his face. All I could see was his face staring at me. My hubby said my eyes were open and they were red. He kept touching me gently and talking to me to wake me up. I thought he was daddy. I just started breathing real fast and my heart was pounding. I just knew it was him then somehow I came out of it. I do not feel anything but hurt deep inside right now. I think these are haunting me because someone else recenly that I tried to trust hurt me very deeply. I had just got to a place where I thought it was safe to tell what was inside me and I was violated, insulted, put down, and wounded. I do not know why it was and is so important for someone male other then my dear sweet hubby to listen to the yuk in my life and not freak and either avoid me or hurt me in some way. I do not think it will ever happen. It must be a shame I carry. I don't know. I just know that it hurts so bad right now. My mind does not want to let go of the insults. I am fighting negative self talk and the insults have only made it worse. I feel like I have been fed some kind of poison and he is watching me suffer in pain and just moking me. It feels like he has hate inside him and he wants to direct that hate towad me and damage me worse so that I will suffer inside. I wanted so bad to trust and for the shame to go away. I have to go. All I can do is try to redirect myself to those who love me. They must love me for some reason. My hubby and my kids tell me and show me daily they love me. There must be something to love. That is what I must tell myself.

[Marilyn_S]

I am doing alot better. I think sometimes the worse side of me comes out in my trauma journal. I tend to write the most negative stuff so that I can later go back when I'm not so emotional and process things in a more reasonable way. Someone told me recently that my way of doing things is all wrong and that love does not cure anything, but I disagree. If one is absent of self love and love for others there is no reason to heal. Why heal if everything is either apathy or hate. A really good book I read regularly defines love as (patient, kind, without envy, without boasting, without pride, without rudeness, not self seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in truth, always protecting, always hoping, and always perserving, and never failing). I think love sounds pretty healing. Love is what I cling to when all else seems to be chaos. Love brings me hope. Its not mystic or abstract its just plain simple love.

These past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me because I have had to face some really bad trauma that occured when I was a child. It involved my father. I will never know what really happened, nor do I need to know but in my memory he was either trying to drown me to death and someone rescued me or he was trying to frighten the bageba's out of me making me think he was going to kill me by sticking my head beneath the bath water and holding it there. All I remember after that is waking up on my bed in my PJ's thinking my brother was an angel.

My husband has really helped me through this because he has been there when my flash backs occured. Even though there was a couple of times I was thrshing about so much I smacked him he patiently waited me through it trying to bring me back to reality. I am hoping since this memory has come to the forefront of my mind that it will no longer parade itself as reality during my sleep. I don't really have any negative feelings for my father as its hard to really have any feelings for someone who is dead. I forgive him but I do not excuse his behavior as it was deplorable and evil.
Marilyn

[goingonhope]

I think love sounds pretty healing. Love is what I cling to when all else seems to be chaos. Love brings me hope.

I enjoyed reading your post. Reminds me of something I've heard said, over the years in my personal 12 step fellowship: This being: "God, Time and AA". I recognize I could just as easily think and put into action, "Love, Time and PTSD Healing & Coping," to help remind and motivate myself to think positive, maintain hopefulness, and personally attend to and get busy with what's important in life, be it what it may.

Marilyn, if you don't mind me asking, what's the name of the book you read. I'd like to own it. I'd say read it but that would come in time. Truth is I'd like to read it, but I can't always have what I'd like right away. You probably understand, you're a parent too. Not a serious complaint here either. Overall, I'm very glad I'm a parent. And, on that note: Marilyn, I hope you have yourself a Happy's Mother's Day.

We hope to be going to the zoo.

I'd agree, yes Love is most definately healing.

Marilyn, I'm glad you feel a lot better! And, I do hope you don't mind me posting to your trauma diary.

You take care, and really you're doing great. I would've quoted more of your post bc really I thought it was quite postive and as I said enjoyed it, but not necessary.

Also, what you said about your trauma, gave me the creeps.

I know that saying I'm so sorry this ever happened to you doesn't count for much of anything, given the full reality of trauma and PTSD, but I am truly sorry, Marilyn. Speechless now.

(((Love & Hugs, Marilyn))) ......sincerely, goingonhope

[Marilyn_S]

Thank You Hope,

You feel free to post here anytime my friend.

LOVE & HUGS,
Marilyn S.

[Marilyn_S]

I know I am up and down alot. But if all I write about is when I am down then being down is what my mind will be focused upon. So today I will say, I am up. I feel good today because I was able to get my house all clean and was able to catch up on my laundry. I was also able to plant some herbs in my garden spot and some elephant ears in my flower garden. I gave my mother a wonderful dinner last night for her birthday and mother's day. She had alot of fun, smiled alot and gave me a big hug and kiss when she left. It was so cute seeing her and my step dad pull away from my drive way with big smiles on their faces in their cute little blue car.

[kers]

It sounds like you're having a wonderful weekend!

[Lisa]

Hi Marilyn,

I just wanted to say I haven't properly caught up with your diary, but have read back a little... sounds like a turbulent time, especially with the flashback.

I think I agree with you - that love is a very healing thing.

Lisa.