Capable of Love and Capable of Being a Good Mother

[becvan]

Well success stories are not endings.. they are beginnings and middles too.

This is my beginnings.

I was afraid of being a mom. I thought I would either turn out like my mother or end up being a "horrible" mother, which I was always told I would be. I had my first son when I was 18. Within six months my mother had managed to take him and give him to his dad on the idea that I was a "bad" mom. Part of me believed her. I always degraded myself over this.

I had my second son when I was 21. My mother tried to get him when he was two and it failed badly. Matt has been with me the whole time. As he got older, I noticed how many compliments I got. He's so polite, he's such a good kid, he's so loving, he's so sensitive to others. Then people started telling me I was a great mom. I am a great mom! I have my moments that I've lost the darn manual but I do my absolute best that I can. I learn, I ask questions and I will fight for my kids. I will do what needs to be done so that they can grow up healthy and happy.

I learned that I am sooo capable of being a good mother and that I am a good mother. All it took was learning and attempting. I had the will and backed it up with action!

That's my beginning to motherhood. Now here's my beginning to my heart.

I swore, up and down, that I was not capable of loving another person in an intimate relationship. I thought I was just too screwed up. I always kept a piece of me hidden, for safe keeping. I just seemed to be incapable of giving myself to another at a heart felt degree.

Although my last relationship is currently over and it had many issues, I learned a very important thing from it. I can love. I can give my heart to someone! I did give him my heart and I loved him whole heartedly. I still had and have some trust issues, but I've learned those take time and hard work. There is no magic wand that makes it all better. In fact, I still love him. It's a wonderful feeling. Maybe everything didn't work out according to plan.. but I loved and I loved completely! I couldn't ask for more than that!

So that is my success story so far. My beginnings. I'm looking forward to being able to add more. And I will, the more I heal and grow, the more I work on.. the more success I will have.

bec

[Kathy]

What a wonderful story. Your son sounds beautiful and sweet. Being a parent is truly one of the best things in life, and I'm delighted you realize you are a good mother! Relationships are much work, and constant learning is most important, so I believe you are on the right track. Good for you, and thank you for sharing your story.

[Linda]

You are really doing great. After reading your story, I'm just amazed of your capabilities.

[cookie]

i feel the same way, bec. i was so afraid i'd hurt my kids, but after the first one (very strong willed) i knew that it wasn't going to be an issue if i didn't want to kill him, lol. i have 3 wonderful, well adjusted children that have never been exposed to any of the things i had to learn. looking forward to grandchildren in a couple yrs. maybe! my husband has always been my "knight in shining armor." kind and gentle, and very supportive with this ptsd mess, though it was a bit of a slow start for him.
cathy

[batgirl]

You're a great mum, especially given everything you've been through. I like what you said about relationships too. I think you're doing really well.

[waynes]

Becvan,
I'm so proud of parents with PTSD that are breaking the circle of abuse! It seems that alot of forum members were abused by those who were themselves victums of abuse.
By seeking to be healed, and knowing what the circumstances are that can cause trauma the last thing any of us want to do it to continue this in our kids. I would imagine that some of this PTSD has generational connections and for that circle to be broken by caring people is something that I for one, greatly admire. Good work!!!

Wayne

[Marlene]

Bec,

When I read the first line of your post, it went straight into my heart because for so many years I felt this way. Even after I had my oldest daughter I was scared I was going to screw it up. When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I made my husband tell my parents I was pregnant-this was after my mother told me 'you might want to not have any more children because you have such a hard time with this one'. For years I thought I was the world's worst mom. Then four or five years ago it dawned on me, I have these wonderful daughters that, like you said, are given compliments on their politeness, helpfullness, etc...they didn't just stand around and raise themselves-my husband and I raised them and did a damn good job. We're good parents and I'm a good mother. Man that feels good to say that, doesn't it??!!

[goingonhope]

Well success stories are not endings.. they are beginnings and middles too.
Sounds like you have a heck of a lot to be proud of yourself for bec ! ...:thumbs-up... From what I've read in posts, you don't have it easy bec, yet you work real hard at it all. You're determined ! and I do believe that you and your son have and will continue to come out on top of this all.

Hope