Maus - I am a Dutch Physician With PTSD

[maus]

hello everyone
I call myself maus I am a physician I am dutch with ptsd
I joined because I saw another physician here with ptsd
It is difficult to find a suitable forum
Just a few days ago a found a dutch forum that just started
the majority of members are suffering from ptsd due to sexual abuse which is a topic that doesn't relate to my trauma at all.
Many people also have comorbidity with ptsd, other psychiatry problems, I don't have
I red a lot on the vietnam vet forum but I don't write messages to them because I want to leave them alone and just learn from them
In the netherlands a lot of psychiatry problems are now labeled as ptsd or resulting in ptsd or it is additional to their former problems. I don't feel that I belong to that group of people they have other symptoms
It is difficult to find or start a forum because nobody of us realy wants to talk or say anything about our trauma's like me.
I like to talk about the problems resulting from the trauma and how to cope.
My main problem is uncontrolable explosions of anger that realy starts to irritate me because it is endless and going no where
I have 2 therapeutic counselars and no medication
I hope do learn a lot from you all en wish you well
excuse my english if it is not flawless

[veiled]

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find what you need here. We are a bit of a mix trauma wise, but we are working on the PTSD, not specific traumas as a group though we have to talk about them to get to a better place.

We all have a variety of comorbid symptoms but I think myself and other will say it is over use of labels.... PTSD is well PTSD.

[carpediem2006]

Hey, your English is amazing as it tends to be for you Dutch folks. It can be hard to find somewhere that 'feels' right. I know that in my case I didn't feel worthy enough, that I was never in a war zone therefore was not worthy enough...a reply from someone on here soon put paid to that (made me realise that this was not the case and my case was worthy).

You say you are a physician, so you have a big advantage in terms of awareness and learning how this works.

I understand the anger thing. I have told some people about it, who are likely to manage to anger me, so they know if I walk away, it is because it I need to, and because it is better for both sides.

Learning to manage behaviour is not as simple as the person explaining it would like to think. They are not in that place. If it was we would all be perfectly organised, all acheive our goals, all learn to learn to a higher level and noone would ever have a negative thought...so baloney to that being an easy one to achieve. But it can slowly be changed. Simply by me realising it's time to walk away....avoiding an explosion....or when having negative thoughts about past events to bring myself back to the moment *as soon as I am able* to appreciate the surroundings around me...and how lucky I am to see them. That I am not in that place in my head, that that place is merely part of personal history.

[Portabella]

Welcome to the forum. It is a learning place, a venting place and a healing place. You are Welcome....

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum Maus!

I would say hello in Dutch.. but i forgot.. lol sorry.

PTSD is PTSD and the cause don't matter one bit here. I'm sure you will learn lots here and have lots to teach us!

bec

[maus]

thank you for your kind words and welcoming me
I am aware that I want to learn from you and that you want to learn from me because of my profession. I believe however that I am incompetent as a physician due to the low selfesteem and the believe that I am damaged goods. My counsellor however dares to differ on that concept in my mind, she says that I am still the same and capable and good at my work (?) It could be a therapeutic intervention from her side :-) It could also be true.
Anyway I know a lot. I am familiar on both sides of the equation now unfortunately. However as a physician I rely on science as a patient I rely on you. Patients tell us what is the matter and we try with trial and errror to do someting about it. PTSD is to complex and a relatively new problem we know little about if it weren't for the patients to tell us about it. Lots have been written about what is going on with the patients but almost nothing what to do about it. Some theories about changes seen in the brain. But what does that say, what does that mean. How is that going to explain and help. All there is now is what we already knew. Therapeutic interventions. Meds? Aren't there, we use some existing ones only to attack well known symptoms. Is it a disease or a normal response of "normal" people in abnormal situations. If it is not a disease should we cure it than? Or stay away from it and guide people through the ordeal.
I know as much as you do. I have heard from people that contact and info from other patients is much more helpfull than the professional help they get or don't get. Partners in distress. All we know at this moment is what you all tell us. I can however read the science papers and understand them and for that matter I know and understand more than you. I can answer those questions. I can look it up and interpret it in non medical terms and explain. For example medications. But for that matter I also rely on the organisations and magazines to publish their findings on the internet. It only makes more sense to me what they write down :-) But to translate that in something usefull for myself to help and cure myself is a whole different story.

[cookie]

hey. welcome to the forum, maus. you will find a lot of support and information here.
cathy

[reallydown]

hi maus. welcome to the forum.

[becvan]

Maus:

I did not mean learn from you proffesionaly (although it would be nice :biggrin: )

What I meant was that we teach each other through our PTSD. I will come up with different things you will not have thought of or tried and you will come up with things that I have not thought of or tried!

See? Easy as pie.. So nice to have you here!

bec

[maus]

Sigh of relieve

Thnx for the learning explanation, I learn more from the stories of you all than I have learned from my study and experiences as a physician. I too am searching the web for answers and clues.
Thank god you don’t see me as an expert that would really cause a lot of stress. I don’t mind answering questions but more voluntarily than mandatory because I should know it all. I am only an expert in what I go through on a daily basis :smile:

[becvan]

Hehe, I'm glad your relived!

Living it everyday means you know more about it than any other doc!!

Please click on this link and read it: http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum8/announcement16.html

Keep this in mind.. you are NOT obligated to take time out for anyone, nor give advice. It's up to you. You do what you are comfortable with and what you have the time for..

:) bec

[map9]

How fortunate we are to have found this place! Anyone can have PTSD. It does does not recognize age, color, religion, location, intelligence, race, creed or affliation. It is a spectrum of symptoms. It can lay dormant for years and spring forth with one small "trigger" unbeknownst to the victim of it's deceptive machinations. Rather like a detective within a mystery they, the victims of PTSD, are attempting to solve, ruminate on clues and ponder the ramifications. Your angry outbursts come from frustration born of fear. That may help a little. I read this a few years ago and though it seems quite simple, it profoundly changed my thoughts about me and my severe lack of self esteem.

The elephants were rounded up into a rock solid enclosure. Each was separated from the herd. There, in an isolated place, the elephant was restrained in a most cruel way. Nearly starved, little or no water, chained by huge links to a formidable giant iron ring. No amount of struggling, even to the point of bleeding and deep scars from the chains digging into the tough hide gave relief. Trumpeting long and hard gave way to to heavy breathing and then collapse. This scenario was repeated over and over again. Then one day as the training sessions ceased, the will of the great and noble beast was broken. Now, instead of a huge heavy chain padlocked to a great iron ring only a small rope of little true strength was now used to hold the elephant in place. The will and the mind set of the animal had been changed, it was dramatic and it was forever within, as the elephant would never ever forget.

This story was like PTSD. It had changed my mind and the actual brains and it's chemicals it so naturally produced and produces, it had long term effects and though I too am a noble being, I was "chained" and changed by the events that had traumatized me. I realized that by having low or little self esteem I was bowing to the "cruel master" of PTSD. That I had a will and an inner fortitude that could serve, not just me but others and through helping others I redeemed myself from the "ties that bind" and made me feel as if I were less of a person. I am no better than nor am I worse than any other person. I am just me. I will take what there is of me and make the very best of me that I can. It will be a difficult task at times. I will argue with myself and fight aginst my own ego. I will and do have to deal with these incidents on a moment by moment basis.

May you find peace and joy within your own self, take hold of the good moments and cherish them as they are the gifts most precious we can store up and remember. They will begin to outweigh the dark and heavy stones of PTSD or of regret or incidents we are ashamed of or where fear grips us tenaciously. Each moment is a new one and there you alone can exercise your free will. To cast off, like chains, the downward spiral of negative thoughts. You are a most fortunate individual with gifts of healing within waiting to help others. Now, use them upon your own self, in order to help them. Meditate on the good and there will not be so much room in your mind for the bad. Smile more, wake each day in a state of wonder and gratitude than one of depression and angst. It will be difficult these new changes, and yes, you will falter and have doubts but know that this is only one moment, there is another moment coming, with it we can renew our challenge to change.

Thank you for joining us. Love, map9

[maus]

dear becvan and map9 and other responders

thank you so much for you replies. I have a lot to say and tell.
but I am a little bit tired so this answer comes in more parts than one I think
thank you for your kind words.
Hello in dutch is hallo or goededag or goedemorgen (good day, good morning) remember now becvan? or did you use another word?
I shall read the link you sent, but I am new and I have to read a lot, there is so much. I have started with some poems and some of the jokes and some threads. I have been reading a lot the last month or so since I found the vietnam veteran site. A lot I see here I already red on that forum but that forum is only for vets. This is the first forum I can post messages also. Since a few days I found a dutch forum but there is hardly anyone to talk to. Not like here, other subjects other way of writing and talking about it. It is a subject that is relatively new in my country and preserved for vets but also since a short while. Those people didn't get help also.
The VS and Australia are further on this subject we are a small country with hardly an army so no history of ptsd. The yews are kept apart and they almost are gone now because of old age. Refugees with PTSD are kept apart and were not treated because they would be sent away anyway and how to treat them we didn't no anyway so we did nothing but look at them and listen to them in awe.
The sexually abused are a well-known group but treated for every other symptom except ptsd. They have started a group of their own.
I am very lucky to have found you and this forum.
I will try and help others at the best of my ability. I can answer questions about meds or theories and research about brain alterations etc. but questions about ptsd are my own opinion and my own experiences my own interpretation like it is with all the psychiatrists. We’ve learned and are taught the same things but that doesn't mean that all physicians agree and accept those theories and interpretations of science. Psychiatry is not an exact form of science. Nothing is a fact in ptsd except the symptoms and origin. No discussion there. The rest is all but discussion.

Thank you map9 for your elephant story. It was difficult to concentrate and it brought tears to my eyes. All forms of abuse, violence, horrible pictures, sounds and ideas in my head I can hardly bear. Thanks for the metaphor. It's true. We have been broken. But I am still alive and I am still fighting.


About me: I had some good news today after 3 years. I got a letter from the European Court of human rights that they have received my complaint against the government and that I now have 6 months to hand them over all the documents. After that they will decide to prosecute the government for torture, cruel and inhuman treatment amongst other complaints. Their response was in 3 weeks! I have been taken seriously and they work fast

I then thought since my complaint had to be in english I could post it here as "my story". If I have the guts. The story is over a period of 3-4 months what happened to me. It is a letter containing some fact since emotions and pointing at the perpetrators was forbidden. So it is solely a list of things that happened. Not why and not what happened before and after. But I would really like no response to my story because I bury it. I don’t want to know this. I have to be in one piece for the trials and of sound mind. What I am not anymore. I do not know where to post it because I don't know the forum that well. I think in the public diary. I started there something.

Thank you for accepting me.

[becvan]

yes.. the goededag.. one! hard to pronounce! lol.. I had to learn the formal ones first before the hallo. It's rarely used in my parts though, despite out large dutch settlement (I'm a halfer myself.. LOL no one can pronouce my last name!)

Take your time. There is no rush, we are not going to disapper!

yes, start a diary in private or public. That's a great place to start on what happened to you!

BTW: proud of you for fighting back with the system. That's tough stuff!

bec

P.S. just call me bec..

[maus]

yes the famous "G" unpronounceable
I posted. I am willing to talk about everything but JL. Lets call it JL. I saw that I forgot to erase our names.
Yes being a severely traumatized woman all alone and still being able to fight back frightened a lot of people here. The power that comes from rage from ptsd explosions terrifies them. The fact that I am still alive amazes people.
Indestructible. But I have told them that. You cannot win this. I will never give up; this is not about me morons.

[anthony]

Hi maus, welcome to the forum. As mentioned, your not a physician here, and are certainly already covered on a legal note within the legal liability disclaimer. We are a community, one in which all are equal, all help one another by doing nothing more than really just helping ourselves. Ask questions, answers and opinions are given, often containing valuable experience or knowledge of others, and this type of learning is more therapeudic to help those of us with PTSD as I have discovered and done for myself.

There are lots of therapy professionals here with PTSD spanning across a wide range of qualifications, some without PTSD even, though we all just learn from one another. All I can say, is that if anyone reads your a professional and begins sending you private messages for professional advice, please disregard them or send them to myself for administrative action, as I do not condone such instances of people looking for free professional therapy on this forum, instead it is to be used as a community wholely.

Welcome and look forward to chatting more with you.

[maus]

I don't think you have the spare time to chat with me more :-) but I appreciate the suggestion
thank you for starting this forum

[vcc123]

Welcome to the forum.. its a great place, full of fantastic people. We're here for each other.. and you. Good to have you. :redface:

[GR-ass]

hey hon, welcome

giggles goededag

:) reminds me of german guten tag

just welcome hon, welcome and be at peace.

[maus]

hay and thnx
be at peace ;-) that’s funny looking at our avatars
each other’s opposites :-) you give me a piece of you, you get a piece of me
What kind of avatar would that make
and yes german and dutch look a lot like eachother
goedendag=gutentag=goodday all germanic languages

[minceymeatpie]

Hello Maus,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you're looking for. Dont' worry about trying to be a resource for others. Maybe this is one place where we can be patients instead.

[GR-ass]

hay and thnx
be at peace ;-) that’s funny looking at our avatars
each other’s opposites :-) you give me a piece of you, you get a piece of me
What kind of avatar would that make
and yes german and dutch look a lot like eachother
goedendag=gutentag=goodday all germanic languages


giggles and bounces

Well, even darkness has peace, all pieces of me

*erm*
my english isn't making sense, so don't worry Maus. Pretty bad for a first and only fluent language.:rofl:

[maus]

on the contrary I would say very smart and funny
peace-piece

[GR-ass]

lol

I just love playing with words. Of course, most people get rather confused when my mind is acting like it needs drugs

Oh the calamity.

[maus]

I'm not concerned that most people get rather confused when my mind acts if it needs something
I'm more concerned that I need something when my mind is acting at all :wink:

[GR-ass]

giggles

oh so true.

Is it time for my drugs or yours?

is time for cass to try the sleep thing......

[Terry]

Welcome, you don't have patients here only friends. I second everything everybody else said.

[RNning]

Hi Maus, welcome - I am new here myself and you are right, it is one thing to understand things clinically as opposed to experientially. I would opt for the textbook understanding anyday. However, some day, we will get through this and indeed you will be a better, more compassionate and caring physician because of it. This has certainly changed my perception and will have a definite impact when I return to practice.

[moki]

Hi Maus,
thank you for the link to the DES-NOS article. After trying to figure out how I fit into this PTSD world even though none of these really awful things had happened to me, I realize that it was the interpersonal abuse/neglect/humiliation for most of my childhood from my stepfather that explained this last year of total anger and confusion and upsetting my whole family life.

I am very new to this list so am a little afraid that my 'stuff' isn't as important as everyone else's. Hopefully this will not be the case.

I travelled to the Netherlands this past summer and found it to be very beautiful. I was especially impressed with how many people ride bikes everywhere. My daughter and I were at Den Haag for an international children's dance workshop. Also spent a few days in Amsterdam; saw the Anne Frank house and Rjik's museum. We have never been out of the US before, so it was very exciting.

Thank you again for the article.
Moki

[CrazyPJ]

Hi maus and welcome. I get those uncontrollable out burst of temper, only a couple a weeks ago, I called my bank manager an evil kunt and asked him out for a fight. I know many people will think I was justified but it leaves me in bits and all cut up inside. I try and take great care not to get in these situs but sometimes things just happen.

good luck