Former Police Officer With PTSD

[officerx]

Hello,

I prefer to not use my real name. I am a former police officer with PTSD. I was involved in one specific event that most likely triggered it but upon exploring my past with my counselor, it seems that it was just waiting to reach the surface.

While on duty, I was involved in a physical altercation where the suspect attempted to kill me and the other officer. We were able to subdue him but we both received injuries which resulted in a short stay in the hospital for me.

I was O.K. at first but later (nearly a year) began to have a lot of anger issues along with depression. I also began having terrible nightmares and just felt like crap all the time. I was retired around the same time due to a physical health problem and began a new career.

The PTSD problems did not go away, however, and I actually began feeling worse. This was the time I began seeing a counselor who diagnosed me. Once I realized what the problem was, I started improving but still had a lot of problems with bad dreams and triggers such as things on T.V. and in movies. I had one episode where I had to leave a movie because it freaked me out so badly. I was so embarrassed since the friends I was with knew nothing about my problems.

Several years have gone by and for the most part I have things under control. I still have to be careful what I watch and I still have problems with anger and depression. Right now I am not doing well because I dislike my job greatly and feel worthless. I miss being a police officer because I felt like I made a difference. Now I just work for a bastard of a boss who lies and takes advantage of people all the time.

I do have one very positive thing in my life and that is my wonderful wife. She has been a tremendous support throughout everything and continues to help me every day. She really is what gets me through the day.

Anyway, thanks for creating this forum. It seems like a good place to be.

[vcc123]

Welcome to the forum. I am a former police dispatcher, ptsd related to the death of my officer during a call he was on. (Lots of other 'issues' for me popping up though, in counseling.) This forum has helped me alot since I found it. Hang in there & know that we're here for you. :hello:

[officerx]

Thanks a lot. I started out as a dispatcher, a job I found much more difficult than being on the street. I think we (police officers) often forget the people on the other end of the radio and the hard work they have to do. I know one of the dispatchers working the night of my incident had some difficulty. She felt responsible due to a mjor mess-up that meant no one knew we were fighting for our lives. I don't blame her for anything and it was nice to be able to tell her that later on.

[cookie]

welcome to the forum, officer x. glad to see that you seem to have things under pretty good control. this is a good place.

[Portabella]

Officer X, this is just a question, don't read a whole lot into it. Did they debrief you after your incident? I went through an incident while in LE and was not debriefed, I am told that that compounded my issues that surround it. Just curious.

[officerx]

That is a great question. No, they did not. The administration was old school and only seemed to care about the reports being filed etc. It was not until I went to a different department that a superior discussed matters with me and made me see a counselor.

[mouse]

officer x I welcome you I know how hard it is to go throughthese kinds of things and it takes years to build up I to work emergency services and have many issyues tha should have been debriefed but wornt , why because my preceptor training officer, believed in old school if it bugs you get out your a big wimp, funny thing is not a lot has changed over the years. welcom to the forum--Mouse

[officerx]

All in all is was a humiliating experience. After I left the department and later retired due to a physical health problem, a rumor started that I had PTSD and that this was the real reason I left. That is simply not the case but I got the impression that some found it funny. Like you said, I got the feeling that some thought I was a big wimp. That really hurt. I was a good cop and, as far as I know, well respected for my abilities and the fact that I was honest. Some of my former co-workers still call me from time to time and that is very nice.

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum Officer X!

Sounds like some pretty rude behavior from your old workplace.. how does you new workplace handle it?

bec

[officerx]

The first three years at my current place of employment I had a wonderful boss who did everything he could to help me out. I then moved to a new department I told my new boss. At first he seemed cool but now he has either forgotten or does not care. That is one of my biggest sources of stress at the moment.

[starshine]

Welcome. :)

[Portabella]

Well, I failed to say welcome, just like me, have a question and get right out there with it ;)

So Welcome aboard, Hope you find a lot of knowledge here. I have just began to learn. But... I am so thankful to have found this forum, it is heading me into alot of life changes. Good people, good guidance, like I said. Welcome.

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum officerx

[Terry]

Welcome X. Cop here too. I had a similar experience years ago fighting a suspect over my gun. Don't feel bad about the dispatcher getting the wrong info. In my incident over my gun the dispatcher (a lifelong friend) got the street name mixed up and sent the cars 4 miles the other way. Longest 5 minutes ever. Anyway, welcome. I usually around here a couple times a week.

[officerx]

Hi Terry,

I can tell you that just seeing that there are other cops on this forum, makes me feel better. I often feel like the only police officer who ever had problems. Of course I know that this is not true, but I personally do not know anyone else with PTSD.

X

[Terry]

If you know any cops, you know other people with PTSD.

[RNning]

Hi Officer X
I understand the triggers in movies, TV etc. I recently helped care for my brother who was diagnosed with cancer, that triggered memories of childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse in my family and took me back into the most painful time of all - finding my mom who had shot herself.

The feelings you have are "normal" considering your experiences, but do try to find a new job - happiness is fleeting and you should not sell yourself short!

[moki]

glad your wife is there for you...

[porkyrees]

Hang on to that wife mate and talk over all your problems the rest will fall into place.Porky Rees

[officerx]

Thanks for all the kind words. I am indeed a very lucky guy to have such a wonderful wife. Without her I probably would never have made it this far.

[Marlene]

Coming in late-welcome to the forum.

[9Lives]

I prefer not to use my real name either as some of my abusers/rapists are still out there. I wasn't a police officer but, I was a federal corrections officer, active duty military, & also worked for the military police as a civilian. I went through some very stressful times with those jobs which didn't help my PTSD. I think one of the scariest/saddest days was when a friend & coworker got shanked & died. Although I was scared for my life numerous occasions, luckily I never got <physically wounded> from performing my job. So, I feel for you & just wanted to stop by and say hi!

Take care, ~9Lives