Things I Figured Out While Hospitalized

[batgirl]

I had much time to think while I was hospitalized. Here three things I learned while in hospital:

1. I can control my rages.

A few months back, a psychiatrist told my family and I that I would never be able to control my rages without medication. He said the shrinkage on the right side of my brain was likely to blame. My uncle even started a thread about trying to cope with my rages and hysteria:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2222.html

If you read that thread, you can get a taste of how bad my rages and hysterical behaviour has been.

While I was in the hospital, I had 2 occasions where I almost lost control of myself. In the first instance, 6 members of my family came to visit me simulaneously. They were loud, and I found the whole situation overwhelming and triggering. However, rather than my usual pattern of flipping out and breaking things or punching myself in the face, etc, I weighed the pros and cons in my mind and convinced myself it was unwise. I was able to calm myself down. I also figured out that when I feel like breaking things, flipping out or otherwise losing control, it's because I feel badly about myself. I'm angry with myself. I feel like I'm crap, so I might as well destroy my things, be mean to myself and prove to everyone what a horrid person I am. I never looked at it that way before but it occurred to me after that incident.

On the second occasion, I had my feelings hurt and also felt that I had hurt someone close to me. Once again, I was tempted to flip out about it, and I very nearly did. However, then I remembered how I had worked through my feelings in my mind before, and I was able to use the same technique and remain calm! I wrote to a friend about how I felt instead of breaking things and crying. I discussed it calmly and rationally with my family. I accepted responsibility for my wrong actions in the situation. It was NOT easy, it would have been much easier to flip out, and more "satisfying" in a way. But the wonderful thing about not flipping out is that now I don't have to feel guilty and hate myself in the aftermath. And I've proved that psychiatrist wrong... I'm not on medication right now. So I CAN control myself without medication. I just need to work hard at it and not give up.


2. My family has rights too.

Until recently, I had been operating under the assumption that everyone around me should just bend over backwards to avoid triggering me. Several members of my family are in the military, and that has been one of my triggers, given my trauma. Obviously I am still recovering and can't expect to never be triggered, but I CAN control how I react when I have a trigger, and how I treat those around me. It isn't easy, but I can choose to be kind ("please, I need to be alone right now"), rather than nasty ("f-cking leave me alone!!"). I can choose to communicate with my family when I'm having a problem, rather than holding it inside until I have a meltdown.

Just because I have PTSD, doesn't give me a license to be abusive to them. They have feelings too. It never occurred to me before, but my family members in the military feel hurt when I am triggered by them. That doesn't mean I can always help being triggered, but it does mean that I can be sensitive to THEIR feelings, and not just think about myself all the time. It's the least I can do, considering all that they have done for me. And working on triggers, rather than flipping out about them or avoiding them, is what's going to help me get well.

I mentioned my rages in the paragraphs above. A while ago, my family confronted me and "accused" me of being manipulative with most (not all) of my rages, secretly being able to control them much of the time, and using them to get my own way and abuse others. I didn't want to believe it, I'm ashamed, but I now realize they were correct. It occurred to me also, that when I have done something wrong, I generally feel like raging shortly afterwards. That's partially because of feeling down on myself, but I believe it's also a way to avoid responsibility. In a nutshell: I've done something wrong. I don't want to suck it up and deal with my feelings. Therefore, I'm going to behave very badly to the point where I make myself sick, everyone feels sorry for me, and basically excuses the wrong I did. It was wicked hard to admit that to myself, but it's the TRUTH!


3. Self-pity is deadly.

This one I have to give my family credit for, especially my uncle, because he accepts absolutely no self-pity from me. He even finds self-pity in my words and actions when I'm unaware of it! So he gets most of the credit for continuing to point it to me, and never allowing me to wallow in it.

It's rather easy to find reasons to feel sorry for myself: my dad shot me and murdered my immediate family, I have PTSD as a result, and add to that, poor physical health, including cancer. But it's not a question of whether or not I have the "right" to feel sorry for myself, but rather, what is it doing for me? Does it help me at all? I have to answer emphatically NO. Self-pity is a habit, and a deadly one at that. My uncle compares it to being on a ship at sea during a horrible storm. The ship may or may not hold for the duration of the gale; however, your best chance for survival is to weather the storm by remaining on board. But self-pity tells you weathering the storm is too difficult, too much effort. So, you might as well just jump overboard, attach yourself to the anchor, and allow it to pull you under and drown.

One thing I learned in hospital, there are many people with serious problems, as bad or worse even than my own, and yet they carry on living without pitying themselves. In the 2 weeks I was in the cancer ward, 3 people died. One was a 4 year old boy with leukemia. Two days after his death, his parents came to the ward to comfort some of the other children who were traumatized by his death. Losing a child must be the most horrible experience ever. Yet in spite of their grief those parents were able to think of other people's kids too. I thought it was amazing, it really touched me.

I've always known self-pity is wrong, but I now have a firm resolve to not allow myself to indulge in it. I want to have a good life, and self-pity is not going to help me get there.

[Linda]

Batgirl, there are really good points in your post, clear and well-formulated. In many ways, it expresed my thoughts, as I would write them if had enough English for it. Thank you so much!
There is a really good job you had done. Being able to control yourself, and recognising that your family also have rights, and trying not to concentrate all their attention around attempts not to trigger you... This is SO important. You pointed absolutaly right: PTSD is not an excuse for being abusive.

I am glad that you are back with us!
HUGS
Linda

[batgirl]

Hey thanks Linda, I'm glad to be back and glad my post made some sense. I've missed you guys a lot. Hope you get rid of those yucky mice. I hate mice...

[veiled]

Evie, as usual when you come out of the clouds you amaze me. Wonderful job! Read what you wrote and still act surprised we look up to you. Major leaps as usual.

[goingonhope]

Very well shared batgirl. It all makes a whole lot of sense. And, thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Keep up your extraordinary progress and efforts and always take care Evie.

Would like to start calling you Evie, if you don't mind, just haven't done so any sooner, as I don't know you as well as others may know you. Is it alright for me to respond to you as Evie?

Hope

[Kathy]

Hope, I shouldn't be answering for my niece but I am quite sure you can call her Evie. I believe she revealed her name on this forum for that very reason. Hopefully however she will answer you herself as well, if you feel you need confirmation on that.

Evie, I am extremely proud of you as always. Very very well done sweetie.

[batgirl]

Thanks veiled, Hope and Auntie. I'm almost glad I was in hospital. Well if not glad, at least grateful for the experience and the learning that was the result of it. And yes Hope you are more than welcome to call me Evie... that's my name. Well... actually my full name is Evelyn Mary Agnes...bleah. But I like Evie, thanks. :)

[maus]

Hay Evie,

I just started here a week ago or so. First I wish you well of course and I am happy to hear you're out of the hospital.
I wanted to comment on what you said here.
-I can control anger
I cannot control my anger either and for a few days last week I could stop the rage very quickly and withholding it a few times. I too found out that I could do it and control it if I have to. But it hurts, it ages in my intestines, it doesn’t feel very pleasant and it is very difficult to do. I really feel better at that precise moment to let it go. I does feel rewarding and satisfying somehow but only at the onset. It is almost as if the adrenalin is overflowing and by letting it happen it thereby raises the adrenalin level as a result, making it even worse. Damaging mind and body and everything en everybody within reach. And in the long run not making things any better for myself at all. The knowledge that I can control my anger has given me a little bit of hope. I wish that there was a combination possible: to have a fit and feel relieved afterwards and getting better by having a fit :-)
But now it feels I have a choice and that it is maybe possible in the future to express and feel emotions without loosing it.

When I got cancer I really got angry. I yelled at the trees (there was no one else available) why not you (the trees that is), why me. I already got everything to endure, I don't need to be tested anymore if I am strong enough to survive everything I know already that I am indestructible. We say here if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. Well I didn't need to be stronger I was already superman. Why me, why me, why not somebody who is happy and has it all, give them my cancer so they have something to worry about for the first time in their life.
I got over it pretty soon because I didn't had much time to save my self. You know these cancers eat you alive if you don't watch it.
It's strange: first getting pissed why me, then the thought, well alright now I can finally die and put an end to it all, and then starting to act to save your miserable live.
Why? Is it a natural reflex to safe ones life? Is it survival instinct? Or has it to do with PTSD that we are too strong to give up as an option. I haven't come this far and survived everything not to have it end this way. Are we going on in the hope that one day the sun will shine again? Or is it that a psychiatrist says give it up you cannot do this and we want to prove them wrong not for them but for ourselves. Is it the challenge? Or is it the patronizing misplaced pity that pisses us of?
Anyway. Get well soon and I hope you will find out that you can achieve a lot more beside control your anger. Maybe it is the first step for us to become in charge of our lives again.

[batgirl]

Hay Evie,

I just started here a week ago or so. First I wish you well of course and I am happy to hear you're out of the hospital.

Hey maus, nice to meet you and welcome to the forum. Did you call yourself "maus" after the graphic novel by Art Spiegelman? Or do you mean "maus" as in the word for "mouse" in one of the teutonic languages (German, Dutch, etc)? Sorry just curious, Maus is one of my favourite graphic novels. And I haven't had a chance to look at the introductions thread yet.

I understand about the damage to body thing. I don't really want to develop anymore ulcers or high blood pressure or something worse. I'm not planning on stuffing my anger if I can help it. Just the rages I've had have been absolutely extreme, and they've hurt the people around me. I figured out I can still be angry and express my anger without totally losing it. I hope I can continue to express my anger in more healthy ways.

When I got cancer I really got angry.

Wow you are also a cancer survivor? Or you have cancer currently? There's definitely a grieving process with it, that's for sure. I've felt angry, sorry for myself, scared, upset... the whole gamut. I can still feel badly about it if I let myself, but I have an excellent prognosis so I'm trying to be as positive as I can. It's definitely a life changing illness, just like PTSD. And having both at the same time is wicked wild!!

Why? Is it a natural reflex to safe ones life? Is it survival instinct? Or has it to do with PTSD that we are too strong to give up as an option. I haven't come this far and survived everything not to have it end this way. Are we going on in the hope that one day the sun will shine again? Or is it that a psychiatrist says give it up you cannot do this and we want to prove them wrong not for them but for ourselves. Is it the challenge? Or is it the patronizing misplaced pity that pisses us of?

OMG I just had the weirdest feeling of deja vu while typing this portion... as if I'd typed it to you before. Does that creep you out?!!? It does me... eek. Anyways sorry for that silly aside... for me I'm not sure why, I had been pretty depressed and obsessed with death (due to my trauma) until only about 3 weeks back, when my friend died. Then I realized I wanted to live and I haven't felt like dying or giving up since. I still think about death a lot in my mind, not my own personal death so much, but just cemeteries, bodies, zombies, people getting killed, etc, because it's part of my trauma.

Anyway. Get well soon and I hope you will find out that you can achieve a lot more beside control your anger. Maybe it is the first step for us to become in charge of our lives again.

Thanks for that wish. I wish all that for you as well and again nice meeting you!

[maus]

maus is my cat, it is german for mouse, because I didn't want a cat who's name is mouse. But she looked like one when I find her. A tail so thin like that of a mouse, grey and very malnourished she weigh 1 kg then.
later I called her princess when she was healthy again and beautiful. Art Spiegelman is german. Or of german descent. Spiegelman is german for mirrorman.

Anger: my outburst scares people and myself. I don't recognize myself. My eyes almost pop out and my bloodpressure gets so high it's almost I am on fire. Red and hot. I was afraid I would get an attack (heart or brain). I started to take pills to prevent a heart attack so scared was I for the consequences. A complete maniac. My vocal cords are damaged because of the screaming. Sometimes they give way and can't produce any sound anymore. I threw it all out because I also thought it was better then to stuff it. That would eat me from inside. But I got to a point last week that I wanted to take meds to stop these attacks because they were endless and exhausting me. The more tension I get the more it happens. I try to keep my mind occupied and distracted so it doesn't know for a while what happened and therefore leaving me alone. But if I get up and walk towards the kitchen for instance then my mind has nothing to do and in those few steps another outburst occurs. It goes on and on. But still I think it is getting better. I saw somewhere in my diary that at one time I had those attacks for 18 hours in a row.

yes a survivor of everything also cancer. I was declared cured after 5 years or so. It didn't come back. The last control was 3 years ago I think.
I was lucky it wasn't all over the place yet.
To have it at the same time: almost if our resistance is low and our immune system not optimal that everything that can go wrong also will.
To beat an illness it is advisable to be in excellent health prior to the onset :-)
You know murphy's law?
I don't freak out of deja vues but I don't have that anymore. I lost most of my abilities...
I must sleep rest will follow

[Terry]

Evie, it's so good to see you back. You made me cry in a good way.

[maus]

deja vu: once I “knew” people, I could “read” them, know what they were up to, thinking, when they would call, what they were going to say, knew what was going to happen. I was good at it. Now it's mixed up. I am still good at reading people and am still right every time but it is mixed with healthy suspicion, mistrust, anxiety from the ptsd so it is not reliable anymore.
I don't have faith in myself anymore. It is very difficult when you are in the midst of a conspiracy that's not a result of paranoia but is real.
Sometimes I see a movie in which a person goes threw the same ordeal. "presumed innocent", "the net", with sandra bullock, "no way out" with kevin Costner. Innocent people who were set up by the system, the government to take the fall.
At some time I started thinking that I really was insane, but my therapist kept on going all by herself trying to enter my mind and erase the brainwash effects of the prosecutors. In my country it happens that b/c of the pressure and the brainwash of victims they finally admit having killed someone they haven't even met.
It takes years before those people are rehabilitated if it happens at all.

death: I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Are all these losses making us stronger because we detach ourselves from our feelings? Are we immune for death? Have we harnessed ourselves that much that we can't feel what is happening around and inside us?
We see in reality and in our minds the pictures, is that a kind of exposure? We numb ourselves by accident because of what we have to go over and over again in our heads. Is this a protection mechanism of the brain? Does the brain do this on purpose or is the brain shutting down because it can't do anything else about it? Is it a brainwash done by the brain itself?
Maybe the mechanism wears out in time, or isn't stand by after a while and the death of a friend can cause a jolt an electrical shock to the brain that makes it wake up from its slumber state. Like waking up from hibernation also a mechanism completely ruled by the brain. We wake up when it is safe? Is it then that we start to function again because our brain gave its permission? You got sick, you lost someone again and then your brain gives itself a jolt wake up wake up you must be awake now you must safe yourself and do something. As a result you suddenly have some control over you anger outburst, you can rationally analyze and understand patterns, behavior and the impact of it. Like ECT (electro shock therapy).
If I must act I found out that suddenly I could do a lot, which I normally can't do at all. After that I slide away in my slumber state again.

Just some thoughts
Sleep tied, no dreams or sweet dreams, get well soon
give my regards to your aunt and uncle

[Jim]

Thank you for the regards maus.

Very well done dear! To think I was feeling guilty for leaving you in hospital so long. Did you a world of good obviously.

Uncle Jim.

[Marlene]

3. Self-pity is deadly.

Evie,

I couldn't agree with you more. I watched my sister die for twelve years and never once did I hear her say 'why me' or something along those lines. She knew her time in life was limited and got rid of the people that brought her down, made amends to who she felt she needed to make amends to and lived her life to the best of her ability...even when she was house bound. She touched so many lives in her short 46 years and helped so many people. She is my hero. When I get a big old case of the 'feeling sorries for me' I just remember her. It helps me to put it all in perspective.

You're also someone I look up to, Evie. You've had so much thrown at you in your young life and you haven't given up and you've kept fighting. I've read a lot of your posts where you say you felt like giving up...but you never did. You're strong and you're a fighter. And I'm so glad I've got to meet you here.

[batgirl]

Evie, it's so good to see you back. You made me cry in a good way.

Awww. I don't like to make people cry. But if it's in a good way I guess it's all right then. Thanks for the welcome back Terry! :)

I couldn't agree with you more. I watched my sister die for twelve years and never once did I hear her say 'why me' or something along those lines.

Wow. Thanks for telling me about your sister Marlene. It actually adds to my strength or resolve or whatever you want to call it. I like hearing about other's cancer stories, even if the person ultimately dies. People like that really change your life! And I'm stunned and embarrassed but thanks for saying you look up to me as well. Once again it just helps me to continue with what I'm doing and not give up.

Art Spiegelman is german. Or of german descent. Spiegelman is german for mirrorman.

Mirrorman? Oh that's an interesting meaning. Art Spiegelman is Jewish. He was born in Sweden, grew up in the US, his parents were Polish Jewish refugees. His book Maus is about his parents surviving the Holocaust.

Wow maus 18 hours is a long time to have an attack. Mine have never seemed to be that long. They last a couple of hours at the most. I exhaust myself and fall asleep generally.

Like ECT (electro shock therapy).

Have you ever had ECT? Again just curious, because I have had it myself. I had a few treatments about 3 years ago I think. I'm sorry I had them. Never again. Sorry you had cancer too, but I'm glad you've recovered and it hasn't come back. I'm hoping the same for myself obviously. Thanks for all your thoughts, I appreciate them and they give me something to think about.

[batgirl]

Very well done dear! To think I was feeling guilty for leaving you in hospital so long. Did you a world of good obviously.


Thanks Uncle. You were feeling guilty about putting me in the hospital?? Really?? Why?? I hope you don't feel guilty anymore.

[Marlene]

Wow. Thanks for telling me about your sister Marlene. It actually adds to my strength or resolve or whatever you want to call it. I like hearing about other's cancer stories, even if the person ultimately dies. People like that really change your life!

Evie,

My sister didn't have cancer, she had a rare disease call Polychondritis-it's considered one of the orphan diseases. Little known about it, little funding, etc. She actually let doctors at the University of Colorado do experimental treatments on her for a number of years so they could learn about more about this disease and hopefully help other people who were diagnosed with it. Yeah...she was one of those people who really changed your life.

[batgirl]

Oh okay sorry I don't know why I assumed cancer. Anyways still, it doesn't matter one way or the other, she was obviously an inspiration! I am really interested in orphan diseases, as well as rare genetic abnormalities actually, because I have an extremely rare (but completely benign) deformity of my fingers. It's a genetic birth defect. I think the stats are like 1 in 50 million people are born with *some* of their fingers deformed in this manner, and even fewer than that have all deformed fingers. Mine are all deformed, and I've visited teaching hospitals several times during my life, so interns and new doctors can have the opportunity to look at my fingers lol. There's even a picture of my fingers in the international medical database. My fingers are really ugly IMO, I'm always trying to hide my hands when I meet people. But I am an artist so obviously the fingers aren't causing me any real harm.

Anyways I haven't heard about the disease your sister had but I'm really curious now so I will definitely do some research on it!

[maus]

that's a great answer about Spiegelman. What I meant is that Spiegelman is German (the name). I know his comic book about the jews and the holocaust (he's world famous for it).
He is of german descent, somewhere. His bloodline is german originally. Generations ago maybe. Where he was born or lived I don't know. In Scandinavian it would be something like Speilmann :-) which sounds even more german btw. In Dutch also Spiegelman. But those names Speilman and Spiegelman aren't used as family names outside Germany. It is only a litteral translation. Like mirrorman. I don't think the family mirrorman exist in the US. It is a typical german name and solely german. I don't know what it is in Polish. All the teutonic languages look like eachother. We know the little differences in writing although it sounds the same. Therefore we know who is from which country (originally) Maybe he changed it into Spiegelman like so many jews did after the war. Maybe it used to be Spiegelstein ;-)
The name changes caused a lot of problems btw for physicians. because some diseases only occur in jews. But b/c the physicians didn't know they changed their names (parents didn't tell their children) they never looked for this rare disease, b/c they weren't jewish. In some cases it all came out b/c someone developed this rare disease.
Anyway thnx for the extended info about "MAUS" and the author.

[maus]

18 hours: yes it goes on and on, I think I do this myself b/c of the yelling, screaming I keep myself in that state, keeping up the high adrenaline levels. I don't remember how it stopped. Now it is b/c of exhaustion but then? Maybe b/c I finally got someone on the phone who could break the circle.

ECT: scary, but sometimes I think rationally that maybe it could help. To cause a short-circuit in the brain, generating a new circuit for the electrical impulses to travel to the nuclei in the brain. Reroute the info and the processing. But it is just a theory. We stopped using it once in my country but we started it again in a specialized centre under strict medical and legal conditions. Sorry to hear it didn't work for you.
And b/c curiosity killed the MAUS. I would like some more info about what changed for you, what got worse or better after your ECT. How many times did you try it? Don't answer if you don't want to. There aren't many patients in my country I can ask about it. Probably none :-)

Wish you well
ps I copied the moose picture from your uncle very funny

[batgirl]

that's a great answer about Spiegelman. What I meant is that Spiegelman is German (the name). I know his comic book about the jews and the holocaust (he's world famous for it).

Yeah it's one of the most famous graphic novels ever. And one of my most favourite, along with V for Vendetta and Stuck Rubber Baby. I guess I should clarify what I said about Spiegelman, he was born in Sweden because his parents had fled the Nazis to live there. So he's not Swedish at all, you're correct. Just happened to be born there.

What's interesting about Jewish names though, don't know if you're aware, but Jews never had last names until the 1700s I believe it was. Before then, they were just "Jacob son of Abraham" for example. But at that point, they were given German names (or Slavic names, depending on what area of Europe they were in) by the local governments so they could keep better track of them, record them in the census, etc. They were assigned the names based on their occupation or the town they lived in. It kind of reminds me how African Americans were given last names in the US. Anyways, so the names are not reflective of their nationality but rather of their occupation or what part of Europe they were residing in. And during the 1700s, Poland was part of the Prussia, so that would be why Polish Jews have German names as a rule. Jewish history is really interesting to me, obviously. Well, any history actually. :)

The name changes caused a lot of problems btw for physicians. because some diseases only occur in jews.

Yeah I can imagine. Our family friends are Jewish but very non-religious, their name has been anglicized to Green from Groenberg, and they had a child with Tay-Sachs disease who unfortunately died. I know that's one of the diseases that only occurs in Ashkenazi Jews.

And b/c curiosity killed the MAUS. I would like some more info about what changed for you, what got worse or better after your ECT. How many times did you try it? Don't answer if you don't want to. There aren't many patients in my country I can ask about it. Probably none :-)

I don't mind answering, I'm just not sure what to say. I know it can be very helpful for some people, in fact I know a girl who has had many treatments because she has psychotic depression, and it's really helped her. However, I was getting it for PTSD, against my will actually, because I was charged with assault and then forcibly committed. I *think* I had about 10 treatments. And this was about 3 years ago? I can't remember precisely now. That was one of my complaints about ECT. They said I would have *minimal* short term memory loss, being the week prior to, during, and possibly the week after a treatment. However, I find I've lost whole huge chunks of time, like about one year of time, where I have no idea what I was doing, where I was living. I never had memory problems like that prior to the ECT.

If I had psychotic depression like Lisa, it might have been worth it to lose that much of my memory, to have relief from the depression. However, they were treating my rage specifically, and it didn't work at all. I continued to have rage problems afterwards. Also, the side effects were bad for me, I had horrible headaches, and I wasn't able to draw at all for several months after the treatments. That's pretty bad considering that I'm an artist and want to make my living that way. Anyways I guess I'm saying, my opinion is ECT is good for some illnesses, like really severe untreatable depression, or Parkinsons disease, but I don't think it's a good option for PTSD.

Yeah that picture was funny. We are currently in Saskatoon, only for a couple more weeks though. I'm wondering where exactly that picture was taken. I've been bugging my uncle to drive me around to look for it. He's not impressed haha. Thanks for the interesting discussions. It keeps my brain active. :)

[minceymeatpie]

Hey batgirl,

I just wanted to say I found reading that really good. I think it is marvellous you sat down and wrote it out and if you feel like you need a reminder you just have to go back and read what you wrote. I feel like what you wrote is an important step to getting life back.

[batgirl]

Wow thank you. So many compliments about this writing. I guess it was a lot better than I thought originally. Thanks again.

[maus]

:-) okay I'm impressed with your knowledge in medicine and history. I didn't want to throw al kind of names around like Tay Sachs and Ashkenazi, but I see that I don't have to withhold that from you ;-)

Napoleon liked names: we all had to get names, his orders. So the records (for genealogy research) only start from his time on b/c before him we didn't have names. Now we have indeed names like jacobsonsson. I think the whole of europe has family names because of napoleon. Some people mocked and ridiculed him and as an act of resistance choose stupid names. Like pee and poop. Now hundreds of years later those descendants aren't laughing anymore :-)

Prussia, well, well, again impressed, you know your european history lady!
The borders of the countries in europe have changed over and over again. The spanish invasion, the Turkish invasion al the way to Vienna, napoleon, the double monarchy of Hungary and Austria, Hitler, Tito and what he made of yugoslavia and the USSR.

oops: against?! your will, you got to be kidding me? In this century? In what country? On this planet? That sounds like a violation of human rights to me. Unbelievable. We have extreme strict laws concerning ECT and about all treatments. Forced treatment is against our law, also for the criminal insane mind.
So you were locked up also like me for your PTSD behavior against your will. Me too but they let me go very quickly when they found out that they made a mistake and a judge demanded an inquiry what had happened to me. I'm scared ever since for psychiatrists.
Okay so memory loss and headaches; doesn't sound very useful ;-) and the rage goes on, okay thnx, so useless then for PTSD
Thank you very much for that info.

Do you have pictures of your work somewhere?

[batgirl]

Well I know a fair bit about history, names, and geography. I've always been interested in those subjects. I was born in Germany. Lived there and in Scotland, also spent a short time in southeast Asia, before my father was transferred back to Canada. My parents were in the military, hence all the travelling. I did not know about the pee and poop names... lol that's awful! :P

oops: against?! your will, you got to be kidding me? In this century? In what country? On this planet?

Well I guess the Netherlands is different, I think you and Sweden are 2 of the most progressive countries as far as human rights. We have many rights here too, but there is a mental health act which states that if you are a danger to yourself or others, a judge can order you to be committed, the actual name of it escapes me at the moment. But if you are a compulsory patient, you have to stay in hospital for a minimum of 3 weeks, then a review board will look at your case and decide if you can be released yet or not. During your compulsory time, doctors can force you to take meds or have ECT treatments. Most will not force ECT treatments, but I was "lucky" enough to have a doctor who was a proponent of ECT, hence why I received the treatments. And continuing with the treatment course was a condition of my release back into the community. But that is just my own personal case, ECT may be helpful to others, some people think it's awesome, but none of those people have PTSD.

Do you have pictures of your work somewhere?

I'm quite shy about my artwork, but I do have some cartoons on the forum here. Some of the avatars are mine. The one I personally have, my uncle's, my aunt's, I believe bec's... yes, hers is one of mine too. Then there's a section under the avatars called "Evie's collection". Those are all drawn by me.

[cookie]

thank you for sharing, evie. what wonderful insight you have. i have learned much this morning.
cathy

[batgirl]

Thanks Cathy, I appreciate it! :)

[maus]

hi been little bit preoccupied with things lately
therefore my reply took a while, sorry
but I see you've been busy also. Congrats on your job!
I think evie's collection is a good example of your talent. I thought it was a character from a real comic book that I didn't know.

okay back to your response:
being german explains to me your interest and knowledge about europe. We were practical neighbours once :-).
That law you explained to me about being committed by a judge I know that; we have the same law here I was a victim of that too. But not the compulsory treatment that's against our law (but not for long I'm afraid, but that will be only for criminals with life long disorders). They tried to force meds on me but didn't succeed and they had to let me go after 10 days when an investigation was launched. Thank god for that.

I hope you will post your new work here as inker. Btw I saw your work in red somewhere in a thread. Powerful expressions. Keep on drawing girl.

[maus]

oh and that of being a progressive country, forget about that that's history
since the execution of a politician here and 9/11 all hell broke loose
it's more extreme right and a great concern to europe what is happening in my country lately
but that's a complex political discussion I only want to elaborate on if it interest you

[batgirl]

I think evie's collection is a good example of your talent. I thought it was a character from a real comic book that I didn't know.

Thank you for the compliments. Actually some of those avatars are real characters from manga, but drawn by me. Fan art you could say.

being german explains to me your interest and knowledge about europe. We were practical neighbours once :-).

Well I'm actually not German maus. Are you confused now? ;) I'm Scottish and Irish. My family is from Newfoundland. My parents were stationed at Osnabrück at the time of my birth, and I was born at the U.S. Military hospital in Landstuhl.

Oh I didn't realize the Netherlands was turning more right wing lately. That's too bad. I will have to do some reading up on that, before I feel comfortable enough discussing it with you.

Anyways thanks for your comments, sorry didn't say much in this message, as I am feeling rather ill today. I'll probably go back to bed! Take care.

[WarHippy1%]

I started reading this thread and after the topic of cancer, it seemed like every subject that the two of you discussed crossed my life at some point or to some degree. First, you talk of cancer as if it's not the beginning of the end. My Dad eventually died of the same kind of cancer that I was diagnosed with last August. the Dr's tell me that my cancer(prostate) is low volume and slow growing, but as I'm at the low age end of men normally diagnosed with this cancer(55), they say they need to get aggressive with it so that it's not the ultimate cause of my death. They say 'cure' but they told my Dad that also, and he died of bone cancer that had metastified from his prostate. The options they have offerred to me all seem to point to my loss of sexuality and they seem to be proud of the choices they offer. Maybe my pride is what is holding me back from letting my sex life go quietly into the night in the hopes that they can really cure me. Somehow, I feel more like I'm stalling the treatment because I just feel tired, not so much physically as much as mentally. I was raised by poor parents, and moved around constantly from the midwest US to the west coast. Being poor and always the new kid in school didn't do much for my social skills. I was kicked out of three high schools before the police finally said, Army or jail. I choose Army, volunteered for Vietnam, I figured if I was gonna play Army I was gonna use live ammo, and I arrived in Vietnam at 18 years, 2 weeks old. By the time I turned 21, I had killed 5 people(North Vietnamese), fallen in Love with a Vietnamese girl who committed suicide because I got transferred(I found that out when I found a way to get back to her to move her to the area that I was in), and was strung out on Heroin on my return to the states. This is a small sample of how my life has been, NOTHING has ever come my way without having to fight for it. I think my mind felt relieved when cancer was the diagnosis, and it became OK to just stop fighting and just let nature have it's inevitible way with me. The problem is, I have a 13 year old Daughter and she is the very best part of my life. I had to take her away from her Mom because she was starting to sexually molest her at 4. Prior to that, I had become a member of the Arizona Chapter of the MONGOLS Motorcycle Club. And, I was living in the middle of the newest center of the Hells Angels MC, who we had been at war with for 20 years. I put all that aside and became Mr. Mom and it's just been me and her against the world since. My problem is, I can't just die and leave her to fend for herself and I can't accept the Veterans hospitals choices of cancer treatment. Clinical trials are getting so close to a cure that I've been just waiting, hoping a cure comes along before cancer has its way with me, and I found a site on the internet that gives another option, a natural cure, getting my cells back to an alkaline base and re-oxygenating my system, they say that cancer cannot live in an oxygen rich system and that the prescription drug companies know this already and keep it secret because they can't patent the ingredients, and that sounds totally true in this capitalist based and soon to become fascist country. Anyway, you two seem to have definite views on the treatment of cancer and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share them. Also, I identified so much with your discussions because my Mom had to endure shock treatments back in the sixties because she became mentally ill. I'm also Irish-Scottish-German. My last name is Blouir which comes from the province of Alsace-Marie, and my Grandmas maiden name was Scheets or Scheetz. As for my PTSD, I've been rated 100% total and permanent disabled since 1993, 11 years of group therapy, 3 months of intensive inpatient PTSD Program, and my shrinks name was Dr. Jose Amato, one of the Veterans Hospitals leading experts on PTSD. I used to be his star test pilot for new antidepressants, and he used to ask my advice on PTSD subjects. Oh, and Maus, I think you said something about some conspiracy. Because of my outlaw motorcycle ties, I've been made aware of being the target of some sort of mind control device controled either by my government or the hells angels MC. Regardless of the consequences, I always seem to make a statement online about things I see as illegal or unseen being carried out by members of the government. The latest of which are small, almost indetectable tracking devices two of which I found underneath a Walgreens prescription label, 3/4"X1 1/4" X .010" thick, manufactured by TAGSYS a French clothing tracker company. Interesting, isn't it?
Respect,
WarHippy1%

[batgirl]

So sorry about your father WarHippy. And sorry about your cancer too. I couldn't completely follow what you're saying, but are you receiving treatment for your cancer right now? I really hope you are. I don't know a lot about prostate cancer but I do believe that you should fight any kind of cancer with all you've got. I fought hard, and I'm in early remission now. Mind you I did have a good prognosis to begin with, but attitude is really important, it was crucial for me.

You're about the same age as my Uncle Jim here on the forum. He joined the military at 16 and he wanted to go to Vietnam too, he says at the time he was young and stupid and wanted to be a hero. Luckily though our country wasn't involved in the Vietnam War, so he didn't go. Who knows, he might have PTSD if he had gone, so I'm terribly glad he didn't!!

Shock treatments, yeah I had a series of those about 3 years ago, but they didn't help me at all. Just made lose bits of my short term memory. And the headaches were terrible of course.

I don't know that I really have a unique opinion on cancer, I just know that you need to fight and have a good attitude, and endure the treatments and tests although it is hard, because in most cases it's definitely worth it in the end. Did you know that the statistics on cancer are actually very good, most people survive, it's only a small percentage, and mostly the very old and the very young, who end up dying from cancer these days. Most forms of cancer are quite treatable. I never realized that until I started having treatments, but modern medicine has come a long way and I think it's important to not think of cancer as the death sentence it was even 20 or 30 years ago.

[goingonhope]

I guess it was a lot better than I thought originally.

It is and was very good writing and expression, so I really don't want it out of sight. So, bumping it forward.

.......Also, Just thinking well of you again tonight Evie. Always, Wishing You My Best! And, please do Always Take Care.


Hope