Really, Really Embarrassing PTSD

[NotDepressed]

So, this all started because I was molested by a doctor during a physical exam when I was about 13. Although it was a terrible experience, I felt like I was dealing with it just fine and it didn't significantly impact my life. Fast forward a quarter of a century. I started going to a physical therapist and had frequent exams-- gown and all. Apparently, I was blacking out in these and said some pretty nasty sexual things to the doctor(s), yes more than one in different exams. At the end of the exam, I remembered nothing-- until the office girls started treating me with shock and awe, like I had done something really wrong. Oh, and the doctors treated me very nicely, like they were really happy to see me. Then, I started having flash backs to what I said, but I'm not sure if I actually did anything or not. I'm thinking "yes" but hoping "no." Eventually, my problems at the office progressed to hallucinations-- visual and auditory, but they didn't contact my husband, which lends more credence to the "yes" scenario above.

I've been seeing a wonderful therapists and have had no more occurrences of the PTSD outside the office, although I had lingering anxiety and headaches for a few months. I'm working with him to develop coping strategies for doctor's appointments and to strengthen my defense mechanisms and my ability to put a stop to questionable situations-- which has been a problem that's gotten me into sticky situations throughout adolescence and into adulthood.

Because I live in a really small town, this has been extra embarrassing. What if the neighbors, the kids, their friends' parents find out? Even though it's been a tough situation for me and my wonderful husband to deal with, what saves me from depression is the fact that I can kind of laugh at the situation. The expressions on those doctors' faces when I would walk into the office is priceless, and outside the gown exams I was normal, which confused the heck out of them. Am I warped or is it ok to laugh at myself over this?

[veiled]

Welcome to the forum. Have you been diagnosed as having PTSD?

[NotDepressed]

Yes, and my therapist is very well versed in the area. In real life, I'm not a sex addict or anything like that. I've been happily married for fourteen years.

[veiled]

No... Just asking. Very hard to finding docs who have a clue so congrats.

I have been on a break here except to let posts through and delete spam. Yours jumped out at me as it reminded me of something that had not even been thought of in many many years, until now. It was a summer camp physical and I told my mom about. She brushed it off. Humiliating.

Know that not all our question are grilling, just curiosity.

[NotDepressed]

Maybe I'm a little more touchy about the whole thing than I try to pretend. I just posted the bare bones info, but there's more-- the whole re-living of the original incident during the exams, the feeling of absolute panic, but the inability to extricate myself from the situation. All I had to do was to say "no" I didn't want an exam, but I couldn't. I didn't want to admit that a memory was stronger than me.

Physicals in general are scary for anyone, especially teens and pre-teens.

[veiled]

I hope you feel comfortable soon. Sharing helps others and why I have a public diary with a lot laid out. (It is a mini novel) Mine is trivial but I am learning it is not if it hurts emotionally. My experience was with a female. I was a preteen. It was an anal exam. I just never ever had it enter my head until what you wrote. One of many things I brushed aside and as usual so did my mom. I am a bit more open and blunt these days and just say it as I have already exposed my soul here so it is easier.

Just know we do not judge and there is always people here who understand and understand any symptom you have. Again welcome, and we are always learning and reliving here to get better.

[anthony]

Who diagnosed you ND? Your therapist or a shrink?

[NotDepressed]

Who diagnosed you ND? Your therapist or a shrink?

Both, but I like the psychologist better, he's a PhD, lots of experience with PTSD and sexual abuse. There are specific reasons he ruled out other diagnoses. Why?

[willing]

NotDepressed,
Welcome. What an aweful experience. I am glad you are getting professional support to grieve that situation. As veiled suggested the trauma diaries can be helpful too. I haven't been ready to start mine yet but I can feel I am getting much closer. Just continue to be willing to change and be open to the gifts sharing has in store for you.
Patty

[Marlene]

Welcome to the forum, ND. Glad you found us. There's a lot of good folks here to talk to who understand what you go through and how you're feeling.

Again, welcome.

[anthony]

More curious ND.... what type of things are you referring that you say during these examinations? Are you meaning you began talking dirty and not knowing it, or are you talking about you starting talking dirty by being offended?

[GR-ass]

just popping in to say hi and I probably won't come in again, but hi and stuff.

Not being rude really *hugs* just can't look that deep into my head. *hugs*

Welcome ND,
cass