Back from Africa

[Rachael]

Hey All,
I am not sure if my previous post worked. I am new here. My name is Rachael. And I am a 21 year old university student from NY. I recently spent some time in Africa specifically Rwanda, Ethiopia and the Congo. My life has not been the same since returning. I had been in the hospital with possible malaria but it turned out just to be an infection from travel. I know have constant thoughts about Rwanda and the genocide. I dream away the day thinking about everything that happened to my friends in Rwanda. I visit the faces of people who were hacked in my mind. And in the shower I think of the people who hid in the shower that I used while in Rwanda. I have serious anxiety problems when I go places I become angry at strangers for being happy. I get really scared at any loud noises but the scariest for me is silence when I sense this doom. I wonder about death all the time and wonder what why I am leaving and the little childern of Kibuye are not. I cant find any laughter anymore and my family has started to become upset by my depression. I am only 21 and I want to live life again. I want to be happy. In Africa I worked in the bush in fear of attack all the time from stories told to me even though I knew I would be safe. i feel as though I served in the military and I cannot communicate with people my age. Men in Rwanda have made me very angry at the atrocities they committed on the women in Kigali and the country. mass rapings. I was finally able to admit that I had been raped my first year of University by a former friend of mine. I had so much strength in Africa and now I feel like I am weak and not worth the life that I have. I want to go back to Africa and help "my childern" but I feel so sad I cry and cry.

[Rachael]

Reading other people's stories really seems to help. I thought ptsd only happened to people in the military. My Dr. formally diagnosed me today and hopefully I am on the road to recovery. Last night I had a dream that I was shot by the interehamwe which were the killing squads during the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. They had been chasing my dad and my brother. I was shot in the neck and I couldnt get medical treatment. My dad deid in the deam. I could sense this impending doom, like so many tutsi knew death was coming during the genocide. I am working on a documentary right now dealing with Rwanda and the after effects on mental health, which is actually really helping me. Dealing with my own issues has been hard beacuse I dont really like to talk about it. I feel really weak for crying. I went in to a book store today and my heart was beating so fast when I looked around at people, but I found a small corner and read from the economist and started to calm down. sometimes I feel like I have anxiety for no reason at all. I feel like I am going to die or someone is going to attack me before I can do what I want to do in life, which is help childern in Rwanda. So i try and do everything really fast , like tests, and work and running. Actually, running really helps for a time I dont think about anything. Does exercise work for anyone else? Every night I have had a dream about death or dieing or the genocide, I wake up drenched in sweat, is this normal? maybe tonight will be differnt. I only told my mother I had been raped when I was a freshman. After that I felt so dirty sometimes when I am in the shower I rubb my face a million times and eyes and yell at myself to get over it. I feel like this has seriously hurt my relatioships and future ones. Hmmmm, Hoping everyone else on the board is doing well. must go now.

[anthony]

Hi Rachael, welcome to the forum.

[Linda]

Hi Rachael, and welcome to the forum. I hope you find an oppurtinity to work toward your healing here.
Were you born in Africa, or just visited there? I have of friends from Nigeria and from Cape Verde here.

[reallydown]

Hi Rachael, welcome to the forum. I'm also a student trying to deal with school and all this...it's exhausting...I can relate to feeling like you're gonna die or like somehting will happen to prevent you from doing what you want. I have trouble imagining myself making it to age 30...but, some days are better than others. Hang in there.

RD

[batgirl]

Hi Rachael. I also relate to feeling like I'm going to die before I'm 30 (I'm 23), but things are getting better for me since I started working on my trauma. What happened in Rwanda was truly terrible. My father was a UN peacekeeper in Rwanda during the genocide. Anyways welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time here.

[Marlene]

Welcome to the forum, Rachael.

[cookie]

hey rachel, welcome to the forum.

[moki]

Hi Rachael,
Please try not to feel weak about all the crying. It's not a weakness, but a manifestation of your fear, anxiety and grief. Everybody's got to go through it when they've suffered some kind of trauma, normal or abnormal.

Does it relieve tension for you at least?

[willing]

Rachael,
Welcome and what a time you are having. But congratulations on getting help. Hopefully your family can get on board too. Running really has saved me and drinking lots of water. Running with music...there is nothing better when in that zone. I saw the Frontline on Rwanda and then two movies so I can't imagine being there and seeing it first hand. I relate too about the death thing. I am petrified of dying so much so that some times I just want it to end now. But I keep plugging away and knowing that it is not all in my head makes me relieved because I thought I was going crazy.
See you around,
Patty

[batgirl]

I'm a bit confused now. Rachael were you in Rwanda during the actual genocide? Or you visited there later on? I know you said you're from NY but were you from Rwanda originally and then immigrated to the US? Sorry for all the questions but I am especially interested as my dad was in Rwanda during the genocide, and would be interested to talk with others about it.

[Rachael]

Hey All and batgirl,
I was born in NY, yes. I lived in Rwanda for a time working as a student with a local NGO that worked with orphans of the genocide. I was not born in Rwanda, no , but I have many friends that I consider my family whom are there. These next couple of days will be very difficult as my e-mail has become flooded with friends expressing there sadness during this commemorative time. April, 7th, as you know is the anniversary of the beginning of the genocide. These past couple days I have been having more nightmares about the genocide and headaches. Thank You every one for the welcome and kind words. will write more, feeling very tired right now.
cheers.

[batgirl]

Thanks for the answer Rachael. Yes, I am feeling quite badly about the anniversary date coming up as well - tomorrow!! I've had a few more nightmares too. Please take care of yourself during this time, try to rest up. I will be thinking of you.

[Rachael]

Hey Moki,
Yes crying does seem to help. When I talk to my mom she allows me to cry and then I start to feel much better. Sometimes it seems as though I cant stop and thats when I start to have difficulty breathing, But, usually when It gets to that point I can calm myself down, with some newly learned breathing exercises. Thanks for the message
cheers

[Rachael]

Hey batgirl,
I as well will be thinking of you and your father. Have you read anything about Peacekeeping operations. I have worked with some members of the UN department of Peackeeping operations and Had the opportunity to interview a soldier. There are several books on peackeeping in Rwanda. Have you read "Shake Hands with the Devil"? It is by a Canadian General named Romeo Dallaire. He provides some excellent insight in to PTSD and what it was like for peacekeepers in Rwanda. It is quite a long read , but I thought I would mention it. The book has really helped me understand my own issues and what kind of control I have over situations,if any, when it comes to situations like Rwanda. Hope you are doing well. I am having a releasing ceremony of 13 purple balloons to commemorate the 13 years since the genocide. I will say something for the peacekeepers, as they were all victims of the human propensity for evil.
Amahoro(peace)

[batgirl]

Oh that must have been so interesting, working with the UN peacekeeping department and interviewing a soldier. I'm actually wanting to meet some of the soldiers my father served with. I am only just starting to learn about peacekeeping, although my father and 2 uncles have all served as UN peacekeepers. And yes I just finished reading General Dallaire's book, I had been avoiding it for a while. My father was under Dallaire's command, so it was difficult for me to read the book and imagine my father in those situations, having to deal with not being able to help the people, etc. I may be meeting Gen Dallaire (or should I say Senator) later this year. Not sure how I feel about that but my uncle thinks it would be good for me.

13 purple balloons... is it something that's done everywhere or did you make it up? Anyways it sounds very good, very fitting. Take care.

[reallydown]

Hello Rachael and batgirl,

This must be a tough time for you both...hang in there. I got through about half of Dallaire's book and stopped...He also gave a talk at my university recently but I chickened out and didn't go. This is also anniversary time for me (though it has nothing to do with Rwanda) so I have an idea of what it's like. Take care.

[batgirl]

Hope you make it through your anniversary time okay RD. This is a more minor anniversary for me, my main trauma one is in January and thankfully past for the year!

[Rachael]

Well all,
I made it through today. I had some help from my family and took my mind off of everthing by watching Anne of Avonlea on dvd, one of my favorites. I am some what afraid to go to sleep tonight, actually I am having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I dont know what dreams will come. I am tempted to take a Klonopin, My doctor had prescribed these for me for anxiety purposes, althought I have never been one to take medicine, I could use some sleep. I hope that Batgirl, and RD are doing ok as well. Taking each day at a time seems to help for right now. Last night I had a panic attack. I have no idea why really, I was not really even thinking about Rwanda, it just all of a sudden came over me. I was able to relax myself down though. This forum is a life saver. I am so thankful that wonderful people have posted in response and that what I am feeling after my time in Africa is ok. Happy Easter to those that are celebrating.

[YoungAndAngry]

I'm glad you made it through yesterday without any major triggers :)
Congratulations!!

and Happy Easter

[Rachael]

Hello All,
I have to give a speech on thursday about my time in Rwanda. I am amazingly nervous over this task. I know that I must do this. The event is an induction ceremony in to the honors society of international studies sholars at my University. I had never had trouble with public speaking before, however, now I am pretty nervous about doing this. I don't want to break down in front of the entire audience ans start crying. Does anyone have any advice. I thought I would get through most of it by just showing some pictures, that might put me at ease.
Another thought. I got extremely upset today when I saw a post on facebook by an american girl, who believed that all americans are stupid and do not wish to know any other language other then english. I became really angry and wrote a message back saying that I knew french, spanish, Kinyarwandan, Kinugandan, and some Swahili. Gees, my anger seems to over take me sometimes. I did however go to the mall yesturday, First time since i have been back in the states. It was quite chaotic, however i seemed to manage well, according to my therepist. I did take klonopin that day, but it seems to just keep the jitters away.
I however yelled at two young boys trying to cross the street without a light. I became overwhelmed with fear for these boys and screamed at them to cross at the light. They were on skateboards and I had a vision of their death and this car hitting them. I watched them until I saw them cross the street at the light. I do not think I would have done that post seeing all of the things I did in rwanda. I guess along with all of the fear comes an appreciation for life and little ones.
Very nervous for my speech, although I guess I should be quite please beacuse I was invited.
Hoping every one is doing well on the forum.
~Rachael

[anthony]

Advice? Be strong, be proud, and pull out all your self esteem and confidence within your self Rachael to deliver from your heart. Well done on doing this, and I know you will do a great job.

[Rachael]

Thanks Anthony! It went fairly well. I did recieve some standing ovations. Thank you for the message of encouragement.
In other news..
I had another meeting with the therepist today. He advised me against going back to Rwanda this summer, which I am pretty bummed about. I had really wanted to go back and do research for my senior thesis, but he thinks it is not such a good idea after all, in the near future anyway. I did not tell my therepist I was sexually abused by a friend. He has begun to ask more questions about my history and, I lied and said no. I think he could tell I was lieing. I dont even know why I lied. I just felt uncomfortable I guess. I think I will tell him next time as I feel really bad about that right now. Does anyone else have trouble admidting to things in sessions? Today I am feeling really emotional, I do have a female reason for this, but I feel like I am overly emotional today, Perhaps decompressing from the speech I gave. Ugg will this anxiety never end?
Hope everyone is doing well
~Rachael

[reallydown]

Glad you talk went well :) I can't even talk to a prof for a long time. good stuff. Not to mention...brave!!!

[Rachael]

Hey All,

I have been super busy with exams and everything lately. How is everyone? I have been coping with some a new counselor whom I like very much. He is an expert here in my area on ptsd. He seems to be really understanding and the other day my mother joined us for a session. She was really very nice and understanding which I was rather surprsed about considering she is an academic type. Well she is actually a professor of chemistry.

I actually have a confession. I have not yet told my therapist about the rape that occurred when I was a freshman in college. It has been about three years since, however I still cant talk about it. I wonder should I tell him? I dont really know what to do. I feel uncomfortable about talking about it. Last time I confided in a group of young women whom had shared experiecnes I sobbed and couldnt control myself. I am looking for some advice here perhaps from another survivor of sexual abuse?

My doctor also advised me against going back to Africa this summer. I am pretty bummed about this beacuse I had won a fellowship to go back and work. I guess I will get along alright though. I am going to be working here with some organizations specializing in HIV/AIDS outreach.

I wish I could find some people my age who I could confide in. It is ever so difficult to find people my age with similar experiences in my home town. I feel like the 21 year olds I know do not care about anyone or the world around them. I guess its just that they have not seen what I have.

The other day I had a panic attack. There was a huge van in fron of my mothers car with a padlock. I become extremely aggitated thinking the van was going to open and men would appear with AK's. My therepist told me this is normal. I wish I could stop seeing these pictures in my head though.

My mom bought me the wrong shampoo the other day and I didnt notice until I was in the shower. The smell of the shampoo reminded me of the place I took a shower in Rwanda. Where people had hid from the genocidaires. The smell made me cry and become really nervous. I bought a differnt kind.

Well Hope you are all doing well and this forum is so wonderful for me to write down these thoughts.

[cactus_jack]

I have always wanted to go to Egypt.

[maja]

Hi Rachael,

I'm rather new here and I really wanted to answer your post. First I want to say, I'm really sorry you have to deal with traumatic experiences and PTSD.
I'm much older than you (37 here) and I was raped at 16 by someone I knew. I understand it's difficult to find people of your age who could be able to understand your experience. It's also very hard to open to therapists. I went through the trauma of being raped without much help of therapists, so I'm afraid I can't give you any useful hint. Each person has its unique way to deal with trauma. Talking about or writing down the most traumatic memories can open the door of hell, but it is the only way to heal. For me, confronting this trauma, was very traumatic period of my life, but liberating experience at the same time.

I think talking about trauma has much to do with feelings of safety. You can trust your intuition how safe it is to open to someone and how far you can go. If you have an understanding therapist, maybe you can just mention that you had a bad experience, and you can decide which details and emotions you are able to talk about. It's important that your personal boundaries are respected.

I can understand your doctor advising you against going back to Africa. This is actually the reason I wanted to answer your post. Reading your posts I saw much of my experiences in it.

Being raped by someone we knew and had trust in, can really shatter our view of the world. Well, it did mine. I know my experience of abuse (many others besides rape) was the reason I tried to change the world and it was the reason for my activities in different NGOs. I think this is actually the best reason to be active and to do something. I appreciate and admire your decision to do something positive in the world. I think this is the sign of great sense of justice and lots of empathy.

I just think you shouldn't pay such a big price. You took lots of responsibility. Doctors are probably trying to protect you from further PTSD and dealing with consequences of genocide can definitely bring you additional trauma. You deserve to take care of yourself first and from the safe inner place you can change things out there.

This post wasn't meant to be so long and I hope I didn't sound insensitive. I just wanted to say that sometimes we forget that our safety, our rights and our well being are also very important. We all deserve this and we have right to expect this from our society.

Best wishes and take care,
Maja

[Lisa]

Hi Rachael... I wanted to reply, firstly to say hello and welcome. But also because you said that you felt people your age at 21 do not know about life and horrors of it in places, nor care about these horrors of the world.

This has been something irritating me too lately. I turned 22 in April, and I am at university too, studying Psychology. It has been particularly annoying, and isolating feeling that people my age just don't have a clue, and they don't even care, or have the interest in the world and people, and why people do the things they do. I do not know much about Rwanda, but I am interested to hear more. I find it difficult watching the news though, because I am so easily triggered. However, I am horrified and want to learn why so many commit such immoralities in the world, and I can't understand anyone who is not the same.... And even better, I'm not the only person around your age feeling the same way on this forum, so you will find some likeminded people here, for sure :)

Also, like you, I have gone back to therapy with the service at my university. He is nice and understanding too, but I found it difficult admitting that I had been through sexual abuse. I would say no more on it... I don't know if I can. But as already suggested, therapy as about creating somewhere you feel safe and comfortable talking about the most difficult things. That takes time, and that takes trust. Advice? Hm... again, I think previous advice was the best - say that you said last week no to a question, but you want him to know that there was a bad experience, but you don't feel ready yet to say any more on it. He won't push if he is decent... but that way you won't have closed a door on something and feel you can't backtrack later...

Well done on the speech, but I'm sorry that the PTSD is ripe right now. Here, you are not alone... everyone has PTSD, and you will probably be surprised by how many are so similar to how you are affected. I know I was.

See you around!

Lisa

[reallydown]

Sadly, I have to agree that mos t people our age (22 ish) don't seem to care about what happens around the world...although there are those who do. And some just figure they can't do anything about it so they don't. I don't know if this makes any sense...Take good care of yourselves.

[Rachael]

So I just started dating this guy. I guess this is my first relationship since being raped and also since returning from Africa. I tried to keep myself away from people. I feel as though I am damaged, however this man seems awesome and I really do want to start dating. My therepist says its ok and I need to take things at my own speed. Oh and another thing I am off the klonopin, Horray!! I had needed klonopin for the longest time at night beacuse of the night terrors it has been about a week now! Sometimes I still have the nightmares but as long as I can sleep and awake saying that I am in the present and not where I was three years ago or in Africa again.

steadily making progress, how is everyone?

[Rachael]

Maja thanks for the message. sorry about the delayed response. Your advice means so much again thank you.

[Rachael]

Thanks Lisa, ya therepy smerapy right, ha ha. I am working on it thanks for the advice and understanding.