My PTSD Seems Whiney - Neglect and Childhood Abuse

[moki]

Hi, I am a 46 yr old wife and mother of 2 great teenagers. my husband is a great guy and never hurts me or anything like that. things have slowly gone downhill for the past few years, then I changed jobs (from a bad one to a horrible one) and sort of flipped out. really weird for me, i'm usually level headed although get pissed off easily but keep it in. All fall, i was super angry at him and was horrified at the depth of my anger - i hadn't felt that way since teenager years. it's taken me from last september til end of january to finally get mood stabilized with lamictal (ssri's never worked very long in past depressions). Now in marriage counseling and just feel absolutely NOTHING for my husband. well, except anger. I feel stupid writing this because the stuff that happened to me in early childhood and teenage years were just a lot of neglect, humiliation, stuff like that. therapist is quite sure this is ptsd. reading all of these other accounts makes me sort of embarrassed to write this, but i'm scared out of my mind that i'm ruining my family.

[anthony]

Hi Moki, welcome to the forum. When you say your therapist believes you have PTSD, that is not necessarily accurate, however; what are you talking about in regards to neglect, humiliation and stuff like that? If you are talking about the normal aspects of growing up, the normal things that happen to most children, then I will say your therapist is incorrect, as to be diagnosed with PTSD you must have suffered "abnormal trauma", not normal life traumatic events that occur within most peoples lives.

Now if this neglect and humiliation came in a different form, not so much normal kids teasing and so forth, then that is why your therapist could think you may have PTSD. PTSD is a lot more than just anger, much much more.

The more you can explain, the better really. You may also want to use the PTSD diagnosis (http://www.ptsdforum.org/forms/ptsd-diagnosis/) to help you understand whether you may, or may not, actually have PTSD apart from what just your therapist says.

[willing]

Welcome Moki,
Anthony's diagnosis page is helpful. Just hang around a while and you'll know. That is what happened for me. "Stuff like that" that you mention is probably a big deal. Also go to Wikipedia and look up stuff too. Education settles me down because I have a project.
Welcome again,
Patty

[moki]

hi again. yes, i've read the literature you have posted and also the article about long term neglect/abuse esp during early childhood and teenage years. most of the neglect and abuse came from my stepfather, telling my mother when they got married (I was 7) that i was getting too much attention, so convinced my mother to pay more attention to sister; constant sarcastic criticism; making fun of my body during puberty, getting drunk and almost choking on his vomit when we were very little - had to call 911 - everybody screaming, little girls in nightgowns screaming in the hallway; hurting my mother in the bedroom behind closed doors when we were little; constant walking on eggshells trying to not make him mad - until I left home at age 23; trying over and over again to connect with him, but always failing. total emotional absence. my biological father was gone, in and out of mental institutions. stepfather used money to control us as teenagers, paid us to kiss him on the cheek when he was drunk.

So, they are all things that by themselves seem to be not as big a deal as what everyone else is talking about. My symptoms match the complex ptsd ones almost exactly, which is why I keep coming back to it.

[Marlene]

Moki,

Welcome to the forum.

[cookie]

hey, moki, welcome to the forum

[anthony]

my biological father was gone, in and out of mental institutions.

stepfather used money to control us as teenagers, paid us to kiss him on the cheek when he was drunk.

So, they are all things that by themselves seem to be not as big a deal as what everyone else is talking about.

So mental illness runs in the family then? If so, then this does cause a pre-disposition towards yourself for any type of it.

Regardless of an innocent kiss, if this was seen as abuse, it is of a sexual / intimate nature, and longevity with the pre-disposition could do it for your brain, yes.

Whilst what you explain individually I would agree is not sustainable to meet the diagnostic criteria of PTSD, the longevity of what your explaining and your possible genetic pre-disposition with mental illness could mean you do have PTSD, it could merely mean you have lesser symptoms only and can still be cured... then again, maybe not.

I would be seeking a very good shrink for a further look into what is really wrong, someone who is not just looking to label you, but actually really dig for what the real problem may be, then look at fixing it or learning to heal it.

[moki]

Thanks for your reply Anthony. yes, I certainly have a predisposition for all sorts of mental illness. My therapist is very good, and most importantly I trust him and he's a MAN! What a switch! He is actually our (husband and my) marriage counselor. We both like and trust him.

My husband and I, although well-intentioned toward each other, have been pushing each other's buttons for almost 20 years. Most of those years we tried to ignore it or let it go, etc. But now, esp. with the kids growing up, things are exploding and we are trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

The PTSD part for me is that I'm relating to him the same way I did with my stepfather, even though he is nothing like him. I'm also extremely anxious around him and have a hard time even looking at him or being in the same room with him. My heart races, and my whole body shakes when I've had too much exposure to him. There are also abandonment issues that have arisen over the years that relate to very early childhood abandonment issues that probably are what causes my extreme anger. So much abandonment, and the one that you choose, that is your life partner, is not supposed to do that to you.

His smaller actions are causing huge disproportionate reactions in me. That's why I think the PTSD fits. Our dysfunctional relationship is bringing up all the bad stuff that I thought I'd taken care of long ago.

[PTSDd_Off]

Hi Moki - you say this all began to materialise against your husband a few years ago? Can you cast your memory back and identify any possible triggers that associate (in your mind) your husband with your Father & Step Father. This could be actions/words towards you, your two teenagers or the fact that he's just performing the Father role that was so critically important and lacking in your teenage years.

[moki]

Yes, PTSD'd off, I do know I resent all of the attention he's giving my daughter (who is 15, same age I was when things were bad). Also, he's sort of over-capable and somewhat hyperactive, so I have many, many feelings of inadequacy with him - which were also present during growing up with the stepfather. Lots of parallels, along with his own baggage, which is plenty.

He is horribly hurt that I am reacting this way, but so far I have found very few ways to cope living together in this little house. But the kids are so important to both of us, that neither one of us are willing to go anywhere.

I think I will have to medicate with some anti-anxiety drugs for at least this critical stage. I have had thoughts of harming myself several times over the last few months, so think this toughing it out part will have to stop for now so I can accomplish some healing.

Thanks for your post. It's very gratifying to have anyone respond to my posts. I feel very alone, like so many in this forum and find my situation just too weird and hard to explain to most other people. Even my husband can't really listen to it all through the pain he is experiencing and I don't have any other friends. I have managed to drive everyone away over the years. My husband just happened to be the last on the list. I hope I can turn things around. Thank you for listening.

[moki]

hi cookie. my daughter has a friend who told her she was so cute her face looked like a cookie. so there you go.

[PTSDd_Off]

That's what we're here for. Can I ask you a couple more things?

- How do you think your life without your husband would be?
- How do you think the lives of your husband and your children would be if you "ended it all"?

They're hard and confronting questions I know but they do form an alternative reality which your brain is trying to trick you into thinking is better than it is now.

[moki]

Hi Ptsd'd off,
These two questions are the big ones I have been wrestling with since last september. My urge to run away is strong, but I actually did make an offer on a house, they accepted, I paid ernest money, did the house inspection and was so depressed after the inspection that I backed out.

In other words, looking over the edge scared the hell out of me, and at least for now, not going anywhere is less painful than moving out.

I think if I could get come to terms with not being with my children everyday (which is imminent anyway since they're older), that I would be happier on my own.

I honestly think, after the intial trauma of splitting up, my husband would find someone else to do all of the outdoor things I can't do anymore. He is currently dominating my daughter's life and having her do all of this stuff with him (as a leader in a scout troop), but is terrified of what will happen when she goes to college and is no longer interested.

He says it wouldn't matter if I didn't do these things with him, but he's so into all the outdoor stuff and is how he copes with his issues, that I have a hard time believing it.

My children are the area that tugs at my heart the most. They are old enough that they are almost out of the house anyway, but the issue is that I need them as long as they are there.

I think the effect on them would be difficult and make them realize that the fantasy of our "perfect" family was not true after all. We tried so hard to make it be true all these years. It's hard to know how they would really react. I don't think they'd be angry, but would have a hard time figuring out how to split their time up between parents.

The only reason I'm trying at this marriage counseling is the fear of the alternative, which is leaving. I'm hoping that as we go through this process, I will want to be with him and the fear of leaving will dissipate.

Thanks for your thoughtful questions...

[PTSDd_Off]

Thanks for your honesty Moki. From what I read I sense that you love your husband very much but want to leave because you don't feel good enough for your husband? That you feel that you could never be involved in the same 'outdoor' activities he's involved in (Scout group)? That you'd be happier on your own because then you won't be a burden on anyone else?

If this is the case (and I need you to think about these above questions carefully - even write them down) then I should remind you that the condition your suffering at the moment (PTSD/depression/an associated disorder) is causing you to think this way. I think it'd be fair to say that every member of this site is experiencing this very same reaction.

I need you to think about another question:

Are you afraid that if you don't leave your husband first then he may leave you?

[moki]

Dear Pstd'd off,
You are making me cry right now.

You're right, that I don't think I'm good enough for him. I'm so tired of hurting him over and over. I know he could do better.

I also am afraid to be dumped first, so as with all friends I've had, if I sense they are going to leave me somehow, I end it first.

I'm trying to get my med dr. prescribe me some lexapro, at least for the short term, so we can make some progress on this in marriage counseling. I really hate the health care system, but it's the only way to get certain kinds of help.

You are so kind to reply to my self-pitying posts, but that's just where I am right now.

Thank you.

[Marilyn_S]

Hello Moki,

I am glad you are here. I think alot of times its easy to think what happened in a family is just normal stuff because that is all we know. But if you feel trauma, pain, and negative thoughts and emotions about your family life, your feelings are lagitimate. Just because others have been through things you have not does not mean what you went through was not horrible for you. It is probably not a good idea to compare your trauma with others because there is always going to be someone else who has been through other experiences of trauma that seem more difficult. That does not mean you do not have PTSD. I hope you are able to sort it all out. My husband helped me become involved with this forum and I have found much support and have come to know many very caring people. As I said, I am glad you are here and I hope you find the help and support you are searching for.

[PTSDd_Off]

Dear Pstd'd off,
You are making me cry right now.

You're right, that I don't think I'm good enough for him. I'm so tired of hurting him over and over. I know he could do better.

I also am afraid to be dumped first, so as with all friends I've had, if I sense they are going to leave me somehow, I end it first.

I'm trying to get my med dr. prescribe me some lexapro, at least for the short term, so we can make some progress on this in marriage counseling. I really hate the health care system, but it's the only way to get certain kinds of help.

You are so kind to reply to my self-pitying posts, but that's just where I am right now.

Thank you.

Moki, I understand because I've also been there. I don't exactly know where I am in the recovery process but I'm at a stage now where I can acknowledge things about myself a lot more clearly and communicate it. I believe that you will also reach a point in this process where you find clarity. Listen to what your husband is saying to you - communicate with him what you communicate on here - you're children sound like they're in their late teens/early twenties so communicate with them too - tell them who you are and what's making you scared - have a family meeting. Try to accept what your husband is telling you - he's staying with you through this because he wants to. Do you think it may just be possible that there is actually one person who actually wants to be with you? Well, in this case you've got three! Three people who are ready, willing and able to stick by you - how good is that?

Above all - try to defeat that nasty little message that runs through your brain telling you you're not good enough - you ARE - everyone is in their own way. Acknowledge that this message is a result of a trigger brought on by specific events in you're past - NOT your present. Don't let your past deprive you of your future.

[moki]

Dear PSTD'd off,
You have very good advice, and I've heard it from my therapist too. The problem is that I can't stand to be around my husband. I feel very angry and resentful (and incredibly anxious) when he's around. He makes my skin crawl.

I know this isn't a rational response, but I really don't know how to cope except to try to avoid him every chance I get. It is not possible to actually be nice to him, just civil and of course he gets my vibe that I don't want to be anywhere near him.

That's why I think I need to be on meds for awhile, so I (we) can work out some of the stuff that's causing me to sort of parallel feel towards him the way I feel towards my stepfather.

It's a reaction that I have no control over, and if I did fake it, it would make me even more angry and resentful and self-loathing.

My med dr. has been trying really hard to keep me off ssri's, but it's just not possible. I've even asked for them and she always talks me out of it but I think that's not okay. I've talked to my therapist and he is supposed to be consulting with her and getting her to prescribe lexapro. If she won't do it, I'll need to find another med dr. that will cooperate.

Man, it's my life, and I hate the way I'm jerked around by these health care people.

Thanks for keeping up...I keep up with your posts and am there with you, too.

[moki]

Thank you for your kind words, Marilyn

[porkyrees]

I think that you should sit down and have a very honest talk to your husband he sounds like he is battling with your behaviour and trying to hold the kids together.Believe me and I talk from experience being on your own is a very sad thing and thats the way I feel you are heading.Deal with your problem "TOGETHER".Porky Rees

[moki]

Hi Porkyrees,
I am trying my best to be brutally honest with him in my marriage counseling sessions. The therapist is doing his best to get some communication going, but until I get some help from some meds, I simply cannot be in the same room as my husband for very long.

I'm not going anywhere for now. In fact, if anyone is going to leave for awhile, it is going to have to be my husband. I don't think I can handle the trauma of moving. He has suggested it, but I'd rather not endure even that trauma; rather be on meds so I can work through it and not upset things even further.

It is such a total drag to have him be the trigger. He knows he is and although he's having a rough time with it, he knows it's worse for me. He can at least distract himself and not think about it constantly.

I can hear a lot of experience with this in your post. I know it would be worse to be on my own, and I totally appreciate your thougtfulness at reminding me of this.

Thank you,
Moki