Kers's Mental Imagery

[kers]

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road? Light red-brown
Q2. What texture is the road? Clay; chunky.
Q3. How solid is the road? It's solid but soft. Mushy but not yet muddy.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? There's a rope-and-wood bridge strung up between the two sides.
Q5. What does the water look like? Dark and deep
Q6. How fast is the water current? It's fast, but not choppy.
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? Rocks beneath the surface, out of sight.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? White brick with a black roof.
Q9. What condition is the house in? It's been abandoned and has started to fall into disarray.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? It's empty, has been for a long time.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? It's a salmon pink teacup, not too delicate.
Q12. What condition is the cup in? It has a chip at the top. You can see the white clay of the china.
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? There's a matching saucer, too.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? There are woods around me. It's a giant creature, hairy, brown, tall, roaring. It's obviously strong and angry. It waves its arms threateningly and growls.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? I can see lights from buildings, houses, at the end of the road. I can't get to them with the creature in my way.

[kers]

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

Q1. What colour is the road? Light red-brown
Q2. What texture is the road? Clay; chunky.
Q3. How solid is the road? It's solid but soft. Mushy but not yet muddy.


I grew up in a place that had lots of red clay. I imagined the road through woods like we saw there. You can't be sure-footed on a road like that; it might give way or change, wash away. Because of the woods the path is dark, damp--pretty but ominous. My family looked great on the outside, but people could go nuts in a second and get violent.


Q4. How do you cross the river? There's a rope-and-wood bridge strung up between the two sides.
Q5. What does the water look like? Dark and deep
Q6. How fast is the water current? It's fast, but not choppy.
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? Rocks beneath the surface, out of sight.

The rocks and the hidden current of this river mean it looks safe, but it's actually very dangerous. Makes me think of what I said about my family, above. It also make me think of my dad. I idealized him for years. It was only after his death that I admitted that I was scared of him, too.


Q8. What colour is the house? White brick with a black roof.
Q9. What condition is the house in? It's been abandoned and has started to fall into disarray.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? It's empty, has been for a long time.

Ya, there I am, alone. It's been a long time since I "let anyone in." The color choice makes me think of clean/dirty, good/evil dichotomies, but I don't feel strongly on that.


Q11. What colour is the cup? It's a salmon pink teacup, not too delicate.
Q12. What condition is the cup in? It has a chip at the top. You can see the white clay of the china.
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? There's a matching saucer, too.

Not sure why I chose pink--I hate that colour! Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part--that I do have a place to belong, somewhere that I fit, even if I am 'damaged.'


Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? There are woods around me. It's a giant creature, hairy, brown, tall, roaring. It's obviously strong and angry. It waves its arms threateningly and growls.
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? I can see lights from buildings, houses, at the end of the road. I can't get to them with the creature in my way.

Aaand, there's my brother, who I've been avoiding for so many years. I do feel hopeful that I can get to the life that lays beyond him. That means dealing with him (instead of going off the path and around him).

[anthony]

Hi Kers, sorry about the delay.... not been well myself. Here we go...

You feel depreciated by life, its difficult and has its ups and downs. Your not trusting in intimacy, and as a result of being hurt within intimacy feel sad and you keep secrets surrounding this hurt. You are quite sad about your support systems, naive at times, and wonder how long you will survive without adequate support, hence your poor self esteem you have. You have been victimized within committed relationships and feel like returning to childhood at times for that protection, security even, though have no commitment towards anyone or anything in life than you currently have. Your largest issue is feeling attacked and hurt by a person in your life, though remain optomistic about your future.

[kers]

I realized I never replied to this and thought I'd do a little honest reflection. First, thanks Anthony for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it.

You feel depreciated by life, its difficult and has its ups and downs.
If I'm being honest with myself, I do feel pretty beaten down. Sometimes self-pitying.

Your not trusting in intimacy, and as a result of being hurt within intimacy feel sad and you keep secrets surrounding this hurt.
This is something I have not yet been able to address in therapy. I keep my friends and family at arm's length and have avoided a relationship for several years. In some ways addressing the actual traumas was easier than addressing the issues surrounding it. I suspect my mistrust goes back to:

1. Why did my brother hurt me the way he did? My automatic thoughts are--I must be worthless, and all people must be malicious like him.
2. Why did my parents do nothing, fail to protect me? My automatic thought is that I have to protect myself by keeping everyone away, no one else is going to help me.

You are quite sad about your support systems, naive at times, and wonder how long you will survive without adequate support, hence your poor self esteem you have.
Naive? Meaning I don't have a mature view of what I do have? I have been working really hard to be more open with my friends, to develop a support system, but truthfully I'm crushed to not have a significant other and I feel very different from others as a result--"Less Than." Sigh.

You have been victimized within committed relationships and feel like returning to childhood at times for that protection, security even, though have no commitment towards anyone or anything in life than you currently have.
This is a little confusing to me, but I do think that I'm trying to figure out how to feel safe and secure with people again, starting with my counselor and two dear friends. There's more than just the junk with my brother at the root of my mistrust--stuff with my dad and my ex.

Your largest issue is feeling attacked and hurt by a person in your life, though remain optomistic about your future.
You know, I do still feel optimistic. I am trying to change and get better. That's something.