Recognizing and Dealing With My Suicidal Thoughts!

[Monarch]

Well, this is a big one that I have been working on for a year now. The suicidal thoughts and triggers. After my public meltdown and suicide attempt, ending up in an ambulance, hospital and then the psych-ward after that I was pretty much starting at square one. I would have horrible dreams of cutting off my own arms, very disturbing. So much self-hate and rage toward myself. I of course was hiding this from everyone including my therapist because I didn't want them to think I was nuts. Slowly those horrible nightmares and thoughts subsided as I talked about it with my therapist (Doug). Anyway, I still have had a problem with cutting when I get anxious and don't know what to do. In the last 2 months I have begun to use more effective coping skills such as being around people instead of isolating myself, taking a break, reading a book, just basically switching gears. So I haven't cut in 2 months now and I think this week I really honestly gave up the thought of suicide as an option. I realized that I have to face my past, my triggers, my inner hurt and rage and work on it, work hard on it to get better because I want to live here. That is HUGE!

Part of this came about because I just came back from a home building trip in Guatemala. We were in this little village where these people barely make it day to day and we were building homes for people that would never have one otherwise. When they explained what it meant to them, for us to come pay for and help build their homes for their families it was amazing. I totally think God spoke through them to me and said " you make a difference in this World, you are important". I felt that if they could have the strength to live everyday and be happy and open and loving I should certainly be able to as well. Truly amazing.

[Marlene]

Monarch,

You're right...it is huge. Congrats! Deciding to stop hurting yourself and deal with your life is a wonderful decision. It's not going to be an easy thing to do, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for sharing this with us.
Lisa

[Monarch]

Thanks for the props, I really feel good about this and glad to finally be able to put it behind me, and gain some control.

[anthony]

Monarch, so so proud of you for discovering the most important self realization that matters most to you.... life. You can now see that there are other ways to cope, you help others as part of the person you merely are, and not for other self indulgent reasons. Very proud of you and extremely well done. You really should reward yourself IMHO... you have moved to a far better place where you can get on with going forward without such huge stumbling blocks within your path now, all of which we choose whether those blocks exist or not.

Well done....

[Monarch]

Thanks...I think part of it was coming here, talking to people and realizing that everything I experience, all the problems and fears, everyone else here does too. I guess I finally realized that I am not alone and there is a way to heal. It is good to talk and listen to the people around here, it really is healing.

[Monarch]

This is still very hard for me, it sucks but it is SO hard. I had a blowout with someone at work, I had to leave the building because I started to get emotional. Anyway, I won't go into huge detail but I completely blamed myself, punched my window in my car, I could see myself driving off a bridge so I went for a walk in the rain instead. I was still angry at myself and when I got back to my car I wanted to put my hand in the door and slam it as hard as i could, break my hand. It would give me something else to concentrate on, the pain. Instead I put my hand in the door and put my weight against the door, just enough to hurt my hand, bruise it a little but not break it. That helped a little I did the right thing, but then I was shameful of it, thinking to myself that I am a freak for doing such a wierd thing. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and he said I am not a freak and I made a good decision, I thought it through and that was the best thing I could do at the time. I still have to work on not going to self harm at all but I didn't cut, I didn't punch myself I just caused a little pain instead of alot of pain.

[cactus_jack]

Monarch, I hope this doesn't offend you, but may I offer my prayers? If you're cool with that, then consider it done. If you're not, then I'll respect your wishes.

[Monarch]

I always take prayers, thanks and that would never offend me.

[Lisa]

Overcoming self harm took me a long time. I understand the impulse. Not to mention suicidal thoughts...

You did make the best decision you could. It's important to cut yourself some slack, and identify that ANYTHING different when it comes to self harm is good in relation to trying not to cause as much damage etc.... its ultimately a step in the right direction. For me, the first was delaying when I would self harm. This was the longest and hardest, as I felt that in the end it always got me. But I did learn to sit with emotion better than I did. Then I learned to break the cycle of always self harming with certain emotions. I almost felt disloyal to the one and only thing that helped me. I guess my point is that the fact that you leant on your hand rather than breaking it shows intention to change it. Well done, that's pretty big too you know.

Your committed decision to live was great to read. It can be hard to let go of the one thing that you think is the ultimate get out clause, often it is as much about safety as it is desperation. It's scary to commit to life, no matter what. One I still struggle with. But I think it's amazing, this corner you have turned.

My hat goes off to you.

Lisa

[cactus_jack]

For me what works when I have those thoughts is my own history. Too many people hate me (I don't exactly love them either) and wish I was dead. If I did myself in, they'd be happy. So.... so long as I'm still alive they are inconvenianced.

My life DOES have a purpose after all!

[Monarch]

Thanks Lisa,I really get the part about being being disloyal to the one thing that always helped. I think the thing that helped in this situation was just was "Jack" was saying above, I didn't want this person at work to be the one to take me down. Those thoughts of ultimate suicide are getting smaller and smaller by the minute since I made my commitment to live. They only last a couple of minutes versus hours or days, so that makes me feel really good. The self harm stuff comes up sometimes, when things go bad of course, but at least it isn't showing up everyday, for awhile it was an everyday fight. When things get out of control, I still pick up sharp objects but like the other day, I pushed it into the desk instead of my body, that took alot of will power. Do I think that if I was in a total state of distress that I would be able to have that power? I don't know, I came really close to taking a pair of sissors that day and stabbing myself in the stomach, only to turn to the desk at the last moment. I have to be strong and vigilant with myself when I get those feelings, it is such a struggle, but nice to know I am not alone.

[Lisa]

Definitely. It does take a lot of willpower to beat urges like that... but it does get easier, once you get into a pattern of fighting them. Set backs - of course. Inevitable. But keep on keeping on, mate.

Jack's comment is one I relate to as well! I think my "they can do what they want, but I'll still be here" attitude that I have at times has kept me alive. I owe it a lot. Plain obstinance is probably the only thing that I see in myself that I think is good and am grateful for!

[Monarch]

Thanks, I am feeling scared today, scared of myself and scared of other people, mainly myself though.

[Monarch]

wierd, I lost my job on Thursday. When that almost happened in March I went all wierd, took a long road trip, thought about running away or commiting suicide and basically ended up spending the night at my pastor's house because noone trusted me to keep myself alive. I didn't end up losing my job it was all a misunderstanding. Anyway so I actually did lose my job and I didn't do any of that, I verbally beat myself up and I did have a little urge to cut but it wasn't too hard to avoid. Not once did I think of suicide though, that is pretty awesome! I didn't do anything to hurt myself, I drove fast but that was because I was pissed and I was only doing 90 mph, but in my head I was daring a police officer to pull me over because I was raging and he would have been on the receiving end of that and I would have ended up in jail, lucky that didn't happen. I really think that I have that part of my brain under control now :).

[cynthialeona]

I have been living with PTSD all my life but didn't know I had repressed a memory of being raped, beaten and almost buried alive when I was five as my Mother had told me not to talk about it.
I began having non epileptic seizures in 1998 and spent the next two years in many hosptial epilepsy monitoring units. I was 43 years old when the memory came back of the attack and I am still struggling to live with PTSD, my husband divorced me as he couldn't handle it.. My daughter and son have been very supportive and I thank God for them.
I just want to know about recovery, I have a great doctor, therapist and PTSD group but I cannot work as my anxiety is high and I still have seizures when things get to tense.
I am commited to recovery and hope that someday I will be able to work and live with the betrayal of my family. Thank you

[morgan]

Monarch, sometimes taking a pen and drawing cuts on yourself can help. These are only something that should be done in the direst of circumstances but, it's a start. I hope that you can eventually come to a place where you don't think of it at all but in the meantime there are options. Take care of yourself

Morgan

[Hallelujah]

I empathize with Monarch, Cactus Jack, and Lisa. I am amazed that you all seem to be saying everrything I have felt and thought myself throughout the years. I am amazed most that people like me exist and are sharing so openly about it. It does take a lot to stop harming yourself and it seemed more frightening to me to decide to live than die. Living means I'd have to go forward and get through the garbage and continue to hope and search for light in the future. It has been worth it though. Life is tough, but it is also so worth living. Growth and peace are possible, even if it comes in spurts. Eventually the spurts last longer and life can become more enjoyable. It amazes me still to see my own acomplishments in this area (not giving in to death). Congratulations and keep choosing life even through the struggles.