Monarchs Mental Image

[Monarch]

// Start The Road Interview "copy between the tags" //

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road? red
Q2. What texture is the road? smooth
Q3. How solid is the road? thick concrete

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? push a tree over and walk across it
Q5. What does the water look like? thick and choppy, dark blue with green specs.
Q6. How fast is the water current? very fast, rushing and swirling
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? plants, like kelp being pulled by the fast water.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? brown
Q9. What condition is the house in? good, 2 white windows a red door, no trees
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? I don't know, I don't think so, to scared to ask.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? white styrafoam
Q12. What condition is the cup in? totally perfect
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? nope it is empty.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? no obstacle, the road just stops
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? nothing, blackness.

// End The Road Interview "copy between the tags" //

// Start Self Analysis "copy between the tags" //

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

// End Self Analysis "copy between the tags" //

I think the road is solid, because i long to be on solid ground with something underneath me that will hold me up and never fail me.

The house was hard for me, I could see it rom a distance but I couldn't walk up to in or knock on the door, this envokes fear in me and I froze.

The road just ends...maybe because I don't know where to go.

[anthony]

Hmmmmmmmmm.... ok, lets have a quick look here Monica with some questions.

You have been hurt by men within sexual intimacy and keep secrets of this, likely due to victimization you have suffered. Do you want to release your secrets?

Tell me about your support systems please. You show you feel depreciated, or unappreciated from them, even a little naive at times hoping they are/have been good. This is pretty clear from your low self esteem shown.

Mon, before your obstacle, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

[Monarch]

The obstacle is me, I just see myself.

My secrets, I think I have been letting them out, I didn't want to at first but I have done it, the actual events. How they make me feel and my emotions, I am working on that but it mostly remains with me, I don't like to show weakness.


My support system...hmmm I have a great husband but I don't share a lot of the deep down stuff with him. Therapist, I work on things with. I have a couple of friends but I put on a happy face for them most of the time when they ask me how things are going, if they knew the real me, they would hate me. I blame myself for everything. Big deal, most people do.

[anthony]

Ok Monica, what exactly do you blame yourself for?

I think you should be proud of yourself though monica, because you demonstrate that you own your own actions, you take responsibility for yourself, instead of blaming others. Interesting that can be found from what you write... an excellent trait.

[Monarch]

what do I blame myself for? Anything and everything that goes wrong, but I am starting to see that if I blame myself for the bad stuff I also need to give myself praise for the good stuff, I often don't do that. I lay alot of blame on myself for the situations that i have put myself in and been hurt for doing that. I blame myself for not being open with my parents and friend/family about how and why I have felt the way I do, I pushed them away instead. I blame myself for the loss of my job this last week. I blame myself that my son has OCD.

I am not that easy to get along with I can be hard on others sometimes and I tend not to take bullshit but when I am weak I let people mess with my mind and when they say something mean I take it to heart and I let it hurt me.

I do take responsibilty for myself, who else would?

[anthony]

Monica, have you ever read http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread171.html? If not, maybe you need to. Excellent trait that you do take responsibility for yourself though, because there is more to that than you think, in that a lot of people who sit in self sympathy don't, which says your not wanting sympathy, which is proved outwards as simply saying; I am not in denial, I am progressing through my pain. This is actually quite excellent Mon, and very well done to you. Maybe at times your not giving yourself enough credit for the things you do, regardless how large or small?

[Monarch]

Ant - I know that I have a problem with my thinking style, I can relate alot to just about everything on that list, I do it all, that is how screwed up I am, believe we are focusing on this in therapy. It is horrible stuff and leads to the self harm and all the other crap. I see it though and if I can slow down my thinking then I can process through it easier so instead of saying, "god Monica you always screw up everything, why can't you get anything right?". Then I think that thru and say " do, you screwed up this time, not everytime, that is impossible. Is it really that big of a deal, probably not so let it go." I am getting better at it but it things are really bad I go from 0 - 60 ina second and I don't have time to think it through and I get in trouble. Same with my anger apparently.

It is hard to comprehend that my thinking has been all wrong for so long, maybe forever.

You are right I need to give myself credit for things, it is so hard though because I feel so sad and shameful inside and I don't feel like I deserve credit. I will be working on that for awhile.

[Monarch]

I was wrong in what I wrote yesterday I am a total screw up and always will be that isn't false thinking that is reality and i need to come to grips with that.

[anthony]

Monica, you are what you allow yourself to be, or what you tell yourself you are. That is actually the truth and factual. If a person tells themselves they will amount to nothing in life, then that is what will occur because they put in little effort, and when the going gets tough, they fall down. Easy as that. Its a lot harder to live life than it is to cope in life. When you want to live, you will, because you want it bad enough. Nobody can make you want it, nobody can tell you how to want it, only you can work that out for yourself, usually around the point when you get to enough is enough, and your decisions are often limited to life or death, then people tend to do something about it. Unfortunate it has to be that way, but that seems to be the way the human mind wants to go.

[Monarch]

I think I am just trying to sort out how I really feel and how me losing my job is making me feel. I know it is all inside me, noone else can help me, people have been giving me complements all week and I just blow it off, I just feel worthless sometimes. At some point I hope to snap out of this I just can't right now. I have a job interview next week and I don't even want to go and I was excited about it before. More and more I think about starting my own company so I don't have to work for anyone again, I am obviously not the type to work well with others. I demand alot of myself and others I guess. Both of my parents have their own businesses and that is how they made their money, I guess I am just afraid of failure. I just have to figure out how to snap my ass out of this depression.

[Monarch]

Its a lot harder to live life than it is to cope in life. When you want to live, you will, because you want it bad enough.

Explain what you mean by this?

[Monarch]

so, what else do you see in my mental image thing?

[anthony]

In other words, your still dragging yourself under at present, coping, existing, though not necessarily progressing. This is normal, do not get worried, nor take it the wrong way, nor assume it means your not working hard on yourself, no implications. Our mind often wants to rest during the trauma and healing process, and its expected. Sometimes we need to rest in order to see what we must do to move forward. You will progress as you see fit, not before basically. Nobody controls you, except you.

What else do I see? I don't see anything, I merely interpret what you see, not what I see. Interpretation is pretty much enough for you to ponder for a while IMHO.

[Monarch]

I see, you are right though I am just "existing" right now, makes me a bit sad. I don't seem to have the energy to do very much and I rest alot, but like you said that is somewhat normal. Hopefully I will come back to being my active self but right now I am just worn down all the time, this PTSD thing takes a toll on my body too. Anyway, thanks for your support.

[Monarch]

So, I seemed to have come out of my self loathing period. I was totally screwed up about losing my job and feeling worthless and people would judge me, I was wrong. I found myself getting dressed like I was going to work everyday and on Tues. I actually drove to work, parked in the lot, waited a few minutes then left. When I got home I cried alot then took off my work clothes and said " monica, you are avoiding all of this and it is not doing you any good so face to facts and move on". That is what i did, I called and told a few friends and I went and spent the afternoon with my friend Shelley and helped her recover some chairs. I have been doing things for people all week, helping them clean their houses or fix their yards. I signed up for some charity work and I am looking for a new job. Moving forward again feels good.

[anthony]

Monica, very proud of you and extremely well done on your behalf. This is the exact thing you must do, being control yourself. Only you can make change for yourself, and you are acting on these thoughts.... well done.

[Monarch]

so anthony, what does it feel like to be you, as someone who is living with PTSD but who has it under control? I am interested in what it feels like and what your thought process is for dealing with difficult issues, like getting divorced. Hopefully that isn't too personal, if it is just tell me to go take a flying leap.

[anthony]

Monica, I deal with difficult issues now looking at the issues, not simply making a black or white decision, running with it and leaving no scope for change. I step back nowadays, I look around at things, I look at what such a major decision could impact, how it will affect me, others, etc. I look at what I will feel by making such a large decision, and I manage that decision simply through talking it out with people that I care about, family, etc, and bounce things off them. I talk about issues here also, some in private with close friends, some public. I have already made the decision to get divorced, and here in Australia it is simply waiting 12 months after seperation in which you can get divorced. I have already dealt with the emotions surrounding seperation and divorce, and now for me its merely about signing the paperwork. If I hadn't dealt with it all at once, and if I hadn't already made the decision of divorce, then I would have left reconciliation open. The problem with that is, I don't love Kerrie-Ann anymore, so reconciliation would be fruitless and for all the wrong reasons.

I have PTSD, and I still have down days, though I recognise what is wrong, look at why I feel that way, what could cause it, all of which may take a minute or two, then I take action, ie. get exercise, get out of the house, go do some activity to get my mind active, even as simple as having a sleep for a couple of hours then forcing myself up and go for a walk. I do these things and come good pretty much straight away.

I manage my stress intake, its as simple as that, and that is what enables me to be healthy within myself. If I had to work, if I was still in my old relationship where conflict seemed to rule, then I would still ill because the stress would be too much for me. I make decisions in my life based on what is best for myself, though also considering others around me. I would not be in a destructive relationship nowadays, I would not make a major decision without already knowing and working through any consequences so that I don't ambush myself with stress.

Stress management, that is my life really. Doing this allows me to live life, enjoy my days, without illness, depression, anxiety, etc. If I expose myself to stressful situations or people that I am not prepared for, then I would get ill if I didn't remove myself immediately. Simple as that. Management is the key. That sometimes includes avoidance, which is not an effective strategy for most things, though sometimes simply must be employed in management.

If you where at constant conflict with a family member for instance, then you would likely end up ill each time. You either continue to expose yourself to that conflict and get ill, or you discuss with them that you cannot see them with conflict. If they do not appreciate your feelings, then they obviously don't care enough about you, so then avoidance may be a more effective strategy. Maybe moving to phone calls, where if conflict is risen, you can hangup and turn your phone off until such time as the person calms themselves to discuss with you, not yell at you. This is management.

[Monarch]

It seems that I am beginning to do that, looking at the issue that is currently happening, and I can do that for awhile, but then I fall back into the "old stuff", living in the past crap or the past crap coming back up again. I tend to come full circle again with a couple of therapy sessions or talking it out here. I guess I wonder do you ever get the flashbacks and paranoia anymore and just have to acknowledge it and move on is it is totally not there at all.

Stress management is hard for me, I am a Mom first so I put everyone else in the families needs above mine. Actually going to therapy was a first step in taking care of myself. I am taking steps to do that although I probably could use a little push now and then.

[anthony]

No, I do not have flashbacks anymore, I have not had a nightmare for nearly a year now, though I still do get paranoia, though rationalize it each and every time. Example, I may be sitting talking with someone, then an overwhelming thought will be that I need to punch this person to death before they get me, paranoia. Whilst the thought is going through my head to attack, I automatically rationalize it by realizing where I am now, that I am no longer in a war zone, I have no reason to fear this person, and the list goes on.... all whilst still talking. The paranoia goes away usually before I finish the conversation with them. I keep using constant realization, grounding and realistic adoptions to every day life. I know that when I walk into a shopping centre, everyone is not out to get me, they are their to do the same thing as I am, go shopping, not get hurt or die. Rationalization to realism, that is what I use constantly. When I talk about people needing to become instinctive in the basics, this is what I am talking about, because the very basics are what you need to come rushing into your mind the moment a negative thought hits, instinctive reaction to a negative action.

I could not use this, and simply give in to my unrealistic thoughts, though I would be in jail, I wouldn't live a very fulfilling life at all. I manage my PTSD, which encompasses everything discussed here.

[Monarch]

That constant realization, grounding and realistic things are very important, I get that. The paranoia is definately hard for me to get over, usually people can see it in me though, I assume they can't see it in you any longer. This is really going to be a battle of the mind i suppose. I do know that I have to stay in control although I do have times when I feel out of control or I want to be out of control and I have to remember that and either work at being in control or removing myself from the situation. Thanks for that it is good to call them "unrealistic thoughts".

[Monarch]

BTW Anthony, this thread has been great for me. I am figuring out the whole "control" thing. To be out of control for so long and finally I am feeling in control and I wonder " why the hell didn't I do this before"! Talk more about that control, is it all about retraining my brain? Is being impulsive part of PTSD, I am pretty impulsive. Here is something wierd but funny. For the first time ever in my life I went the the salon to get my hair cut and just asked her to trim it. First time, what I have always done is get a new style everytime, constantly changing my hair. I think about that differently now, I didn't know why or even acknowledge it before. I was running away without really doing it, trying to change my appearance, hide and not let people get to know me, that is all just part of this. amazing.

[anthony]

No, people can see it in me at times. Nicolette usually picks any slight changes in me, even if my eyes change, expression, anything, she is typically very accurate with changes in me. So this means people can pick them up, its just I don't typically change too much anymore, compared to when I could be up and down all day, every day, now it might only be a change once a week or the like, where she can pick something within me, usually around the same time as a little paranoia may sneak up on me. Its totally normal with PTSD, its just about the control aspect of our mind.

Yes, it is all about retraining your brain in relation to management of PTSD. Retraining your brain does play a role in healing existing trauma, because if you have thought since trauma that something was your fault, and someone comes along and looks at the facts presented, then can show a completely different process, ie. your not at fault after all, then it is still an individual aspect to accept or reject the statement. If one accepts the new information, say to themselves something like, "hang on a minute, I have been blaming myself all these years, and have never thought about it that way and this new information shines a whole new light on my thoughts!" That is accepting that maybe your thoughts where wrong, and maybe you should be more open to consider a wider viewpoint! Typically, this is where retraining the brain comes into play in conjuction with healing, as a sufferer has had this thought for years, so they believe that, and now they must retrain their thoughts, kicking out the old negative and replacing with the more factual positive thought, or new information. It is easier for the human mind to accept a negative than it is a positive, this is factual scientific information and conclusive studies. The brain endures and will find the negatives before the positives, because society dictates our learning to focus on bad, not good.

It often makes me laugh when people refer natural therapies to having become a tree hugging hippie, which again is a social aspect that directly correlates within the mind. Most believe if you adopt any natural therapeudic treatments, then you must adopt this tree hugging hippie lifestyle to achieve state of mind. Wrong... Those that fall into that lifestyle, often lost control of their mind before they even began the process, because they succumb to something they fail to understand, being social beliefs.

To control your mind is an art, and whilst the majority of society believe they can do it, you truly don't learn you have little control over your mind until such time as your influenced by something like PTSD. That's about the time a person learns they truly have no current control over their mind, because if we did, we wouldn't have PTSD in the first place, as we would have correctly processed our trauma through talking, seeking help, guidance, etc. We don't though, we endure and shut our mouths tight, thinking that the world will not believe us, hate us, depise us, etc.

Thinking styles are what its primarily about. We make our own choices, nobody else. You either choose to use the negative thinking style which comes so easy or you choose to use the positive thinking style which comes only with a lot of work to become an instinctive tool and way of life for you. People love easy, hence they fail a lot. It is nothing new that to achieve excellence takes work, and that is no different when referring the same to taking control of your minds thoughts and decisions towards your own life. You must want it, not just think you want it, in order to actively begin changing your life. It takes years to achieve, but it is achievable. It takes something like 30 days for the mind to release a negative thinking style and replace it with a positive. So if your changing a few at a time, you will slip up, you will release a negative thinking style, though as you change, you will catch it, stop, pause, apologize if necessary, and change to the positive, continue until such time as the negative is only a thought and no longer words come out, instead only the positive words / statements come from you, or you simply say nothing at all.

[anthony]

An assertive personality is the target. Don't be a doormat and let people walk all over you, though don't be an aggressive negative influence upon yourself and others.

[Monarch]

The negative thinking style is a hard thing to get over, I see it in many different aspects of my life and it is always my first instinct, so you are totally right on there. When you first started to change that did it take alot out of you? Meaning, did you have to rest and not have the physical or emotional energy to do anything else. I find myself just worn out from trying to change those thoughts around to positive self talk. It is a huge struggle sometimes to wrap my mind around the fact that the negative image is wrong and that I am wrong, how could I be wrong? It is all so crazy and like I said it will take the wind out of my sails often. I do see that i am getting better with it though, it is just practice, practice, practice. What else do I have to work on? I have opened up about my trauma's here, in therapy we are still going through them though and that gets disturbing but i already see that i am looking at things from a different perspective, my therp. is impressed by that. I do it really without even realizing it anymore although I don't always have a positive outcome.

As for the assertive personality, that I have to work on because i am either hot or cold. I can either walk away and shut down or a get in ther persons face and get loud, when that happens sometimes I don't even remember the incident. Truly people will tell me i was scary and I am thinking all I did was get a little mad at someone and let them know that. That is annoying because I don't see it, how can I see that?

[anthony]

When you first started to change that did it take alot out of you? Meaning, did you have to rest and not have the physical or emotional energy to do anything else.
Monica, it is hard work, yes. It takes a lot of time, and this is why I say to people that healing your past trauma is usually the shortest aspect, learning how to manage PTSD takes years because you must now learn to change your personality knowingly vs. your personality changed slowly as PTSD developed, little by little, until it was simply all bad. The harder you work on yourself, the quicker it becomes less straining for you. It will always be a battle for you, have no doubt, but its the size of the battle you fight that changes. I still develop and learn every day, yet it doesn't drain me anymore. Whilst I have changed my thoughts to now be instinctive, to counter the negative with positive, to think before I speak, to rationalize, I still have the negative thoughts, its merely my brain immediately redirects them out and replaces them with a broader thought, less aggressive, open to new things, respect other opinions, etc. I still slip up, but even recognizing that and immediately apologizing and replacing the negative, or countering it, thinking for a few seconds to get out exactly what your trying too in a more positive way. It is constant work, though the effort becomes less as you get better at it.
I do see that i am getting better with it though, it is just practice, practice, practice.
That is the aim, were you can see a difference your making to yourself and your life. You will see others respond to you differently, because your response is more open. The more assertive you become the better your response will become. You will recognize and approach another who is aggressive towards you with ease and comfort, allowing them a little room and understanding, though if they attack you to hurt, then your personality says walk away or deal with the situation, whatever the right choice is for you. Its a constant learning, though recognizing that our negative thoughts, black and white thinking, all or nothing thoughts, are not correct. We are wrong, you are correct, and accepting that; changing that... it is tough to comprehend. Once you do though, its all downhill from there.
What else do I have to work on? I have opened up about my trauma's here, in therapy we are still going through them though and that gets disturbing but i already see that i am looking at things from a different perspective, my therp. is impressed by that. I do it really without even realizing it anymore although I don't always have a positive outcome.
What you have to work on is yourself. You have to keep doing what your doing, and as you become better at it as is being recognized by you and your therapist, you then taper aspects out of your life, ie. having to talk about issues that you believe no longer bother you, therapy can be cut back, but you can never stop working on yourself nor analysing yourself, because PTSD will jump you that quick if you think you can let your guard down. Control it, not let it control you. To control something takes constant presence, a presence you must always now maintain within you, consciously be aware that negative thoughts, PTSD, will sneak up on you if you let it, even if you don't let it, it will, but you must catch it quickly. The better you know yourself, the better you will manage your PTSD.
As for the assertive personality, that I have to work on because i am either hot or cold. I can either walk away and shut down or a get in ther persons face and get loud, when that happens sometimes I don't even remember the incident. Truly people will tell me i was scary and I am thinking all I did was get a little mad at someone and let them know that. That is annoying because I don't see it, how can I see that?
That is black or white thinking style, all or nothing, negative thinking style. You must adapt to change it, instead of responding use pauses in order to allow your mind to process the information correctly, before response. That way you will never respond and then regret it, you will instead be accepting off all your responses because they will truly reflect your true emotional intent, not a negative PTSD one. If you have to pause, think, even tell a person to wait a second whilst you think about the information and find the words that truely reflect what you want to say, say that instead of something you will regret, or don't truly feel, ie. anger is not a feeling, its a response to another feeling.

Its sounds as though your starting to "get it" though monica, and that is promising. It takes every person time to discover this uniquely. Some do it quicker than others. Well done for finding what you are finding, and realising the positive change you can have to influence your own life. Some will never find it because they cannot accept that their PTSD thinking style is wrong, they believe they are right and will never change. Well done to you....

[Monarch]

That is black or white thinking style, all or nothing, negative thinking style. You must adapt to change it, instead of responding use pauses in order to allow your mind to process the information correctly, before response. That way you will never respond and then regret it, you will instead be accepting off all your responses because they will truly reflect your true emotional intent, not a negative PTSD one.

This is very important to me, I need to learn to slow that down and not jump off and react. I am learning so much about myself and really taking the time to figure out where I have gone wrong. When someone like you or my therp. point it out, it is almost like "ah-ha, that is totally wrong, now what can I do to fix it". I guess that i realize that not everyone in my life can be wrong if they all see the same thing separately so it must be me. Thanks, I am also starting to taper off my meds, dropping from 25mg of paxil to 12.5mg for the next 6 weeks and then probably another drop from there and hopefully will be off of them totally in the next couple of months. That will feel good, it will give me the opportunity to learn more about how to control my anxiety instead of letting the meds do it.

For once I am truly excited about the future and I hope it stays that way.

Monica

[anthony]

Positive news... just remember, take it easy on yourself, don't give yourself a hard time when things go to shit, because they will, that is guaranteed. Work through the problems and you will come out the other side. Medication withdrawal is intense, it will shake you and make you believe everything you've done or learnt was a failure, but it isn't, its merely your body reacting to withdrawals. Keep up the great work.

[Monarch]

Thanks for your encouragement and truth! In other good news, I got a new job! The one I wanted and I start Sept. 4th so I have a couple more weeks. Hopefully this won't effect getting off my meds. Since I have a couple of weeks, if things start looking bad then I will get back on and wait awhile to try again. This is something I want to do though, I am finally ready to be honest with everyone especially myself. I will keep in mind to not give myself a hard time.

Monica

[Monarch]

Anthony, you are right about the withdrawl and I appreciate you telling me that, it is helping me to focus on the fact that it is just the meds and not me I just have to work through it. I am sleeping alot, don't know if that is normal but I feel tired all the time, that sucks being that i am a Mom. Hopefully I will get past that before I start my new job. Fun shit....NOT!

[Monarch]

ok, things have gone to shit...I am angry, damn angry....but I see it and I am trying my hardest to not give into it. Keep my mouth shut and not yell at my husband or son, but go on here and write instead and be alone. Frustrating

[anthony]

Your doing just fine Monica.... it is hard, but worth it. Honestly, get yourself out and going for walks. It doesn't matter how far, but more important how long. Go for a good 30 minute or more walk. Shit, an hour would be great. Throw the kids on their bikes or stroller, whatever they are in, take them with you even. Just the activity outside will help you fight the depressive aspects of withdrawal, being the desire to sleep lots. There is a point in withdrawals you must actively grab your life back, force yourself out of your lazy zone and back into life. If you have to get active all day, do it until withdrawals are over. Once you have no meds, you really do need to get daily exercise though to maintain your mental health without meds. You need outdoors good 30 minutes to an hour of walking minimum per day to keep depression away from you. You can skip a day, but you will notice depression kicking back in if you don't exercise for a few days / week.

[Monarch]

YOu are right, I know it, I have been sleeping alot, then I will get bursts of energy and take my little one to the zoo or park,etc... Today was icky, I was tired all day, I should have gone for a walk that would have got me outside and active but I ran errands and then took a nap instead. I will make it a point to get out. I start my new job in about a week so then I will have to be active. It is downtown, lots of walking but that is a good thing but not so much fun when it is -20 degrees out, thank goodness we have some time before winter hits.

I had a good evening though, met a friend out for some food and beers, had a good time.

Thanks Ant