Can a Relationship Work If PTSD Is Suffered and Healed Within It?

[anthony]

The big question with so many relationships is, can it work after the fact!!! When relationships endure the stress of uncontrolled PTSD, both parties are hurt, pushed emotionally, mentally and even physically in every attribute; but can they really work if a sufferer heals within them?

I think they can, but they come with stipulations IMHO, being:

Physical abuse must not have been encompassed
Cheating must not have been encompassed
Both parties must heal together, and honestly heal and forgive the pastI believe that if a sufferer / spouse has cheated, abused physically or refuses to heal the past pain endured, then a relationship just has no chance of longevity, and both parties are fooling themselves. IMHO, if a person heals and any of the above are encompassed, then new relationships must be formed where new and constant selfs are introduced, not such a dramatic change in attitude and personality, and to heal PTSD is a dramatic change, ie. normal self > PTSD uncontrolled > Heal. Even from PTSD > Heal is a dramatic change, being people meet when wild and uncontrolled, then when they heal they realise all the things they were doing where wrong, thus they stablize, they become what they want to be, not what they where doing to avoid the pain, to suppress the emotion.

What do you think?

[Marlene]

Here's my two cents thrown into the mix.

Basically, it depends on how much both parties want the relationship to work and how hard they're willing to work to meet that end. I've heard it only takes one person to destroy a relationship (not too sure about that) but I definately know it takes two people to make one work. Relationships, even under ideal conditions, are hard work. Throw in PTSD and it's even more work. Relationships that do not have a solid foundation built on support and trust have trouble withstanding other major life changes as well (i.e. illness, deaths in family, financial, careers, etc.)

My PTSD has been one of the toughest strains my marriage has had put to it. Just the sheer frustration of damn near everything changing so quickly when my symptoms went out of control. Me not knowing what's happening, him not knowing, having all of the rules changed and no one gave us a new rule book. Once my symptoms had gotten more under control and I was feeling better, I asked my husband why he stayed, why he put up with so much from me when I had been at a point I couldn't even control myself, felt like running because at the time it felt like it would have been easier for my family to not have me around. His response is something that I play in my mind quite a bit. He said 'I take my vows seriously. One of the vows was 'sickness and health' and you've been sick. Why would I leave?'

I've worked very hard to heal. I know I still have a ways to go, but I'm light years from where I was almost a year ago. One reason was for myself. Another reason was for my husband. I felt if he could put up with all he did and be there for me through all of this, then I owed it to both of us to work as hard as I could to get better.

The question presented was 'Can a relationship work if PTSD is suffered and healed within it'? My answer-yes, if both partners want it badly enough and are committed to each other.

[Jim]

Voted for #1. Suppose #3 is possible, but both parties would be miserable in my opinion.

Jim.

[veiled]

I am a polar opposite on so many levels to what I was. Some of it drove my husband nuts and some of it was why he fell for me. Some of it still remains but on a much lower level. I was abusive at times when it was not known what was wrong with me. I was absolutely horrible at times attitude wise and general treatment. Sometimes my temper gets the best of me still if my schedule does a sudden shift or something is unexpected (not abusive as I try to separate myself to cool off). So obviously I am still in healing. He is dealing with me coming out of relapse. I have as a result to meds and depression gained a lot of weight.

The relationship is stronger than it ever was now besides that. He has been through hell and back and he knows it can happen again. But he has made me very confident we can weather any storm now.

He got close to leaving before I was diagnosed and shit really hit he fan. But he stuck it out and he leaves not a shred of doubt in my mind how much he loves me and we will always be together. It feels like he has fallen in love with the new me.

How can I not be in love with someone who has been strong by my side through this and bend over backwards for me to function?

It takes someone willing to work at getting better and a truly special soul to stick it out through the worst as the treatment the partner normally gets is not warranted or should be expected to cope with. Good souls and true love can make it work. No doubt in my mind, as long as the PTSDer is working on healing as like I said my relationship almost ended before I was diagnosed and we knew what was going on and how to treat.

It was hard in the worst of it but we are happy. We now have laughs, cuddles, and pounce on each other to tickle the other, tease... We have moments we act like kids again. Far from miserable. You kind of fall in love again once healing starts.

[piglet]

Can you add a 4th choice - haven't a clue! Never had a relationship, other than for a few weeks when I was 15 - my brother threatened to beat the crap out of him, so I got dumped damn quick!

I'm pretty sure that those in the realtionship would change drastically. I guess it depends on whether one person still loves the other when those changes have happened.

I think relationships that start when someone is mid-ptsd might not succeed - basically because there might be a victim-rescuer thing going on. Once the ptsd is healed, a rescuer is no longer needed, and the former victim will resent being treated like they once were.

There are some deep and interesting aspects to this poll!!!!

[Sapper]

Well, my feeling is, marriage is tough enough even if both partners are working 100% at it, problems or illness notwithstanding. Yes a marriage where only one partner was healed could last, people stay together for all sorts of unhealthy reasons. But would it be a truly happy marriage? I think not. One or both partners would be fooling themselves IMHO. If I am willing to work on myself constantly and grow as a person, what kind of life would I have with a woman who was unwilling to work on herself? Not a very happy one. I think #1 is the best option if you want to be happy in the long term, and honest with each other as well.

[Kathy]

After nearly 38 years of being with the same person, 35 of those married, I can attest to the fact that healing of both partners is crucial for long term success and happiness. At least in our case it was, and we have had our share of troubles, most notable being Jim's alcoholism. Perhaps others will have a different experience, but I can not imagine the thought of putting up with an unhealthy partner all these years and still feeling happy myself.

[anthony]

Ah... experience Kathy, thank you for your comments.

[msktaylor0207]

i acutally think it depends on each individual. i tell my husband all the time that if i wasnt such a strong, stubborn,loyal and supportive person, hed be screwed and id be gone. neither of us have cheated, but there has defintately been emotional and physical abuse between us because of his PTSD. it has been the most difficult road to travel, but its one that i have chosen to take because i love my husband and care for him and want to see him out of this deep dark hole. its been 3 years since his deployment and back in july was the big HIT our relationship was not ready to take. but with intense therapy for him and myself, i do beleive our relationship will survive. but it takes so much will and heart to push through. and i dont think very many couples could handle it in the long run. weve had our good times, but most definately had some bad ones too.

[indigo~in~0z]

dont know, but currently under investigation...

already present ptsd exacerbated by husbands baggage of tricks...

we are striving/wishing for your anthony's example no.3 -
Both parties must heal together, and honestly heal and forgive the past ....

[sweetface]

I read the book Receiving Love and it's awesome. Basically healing can never occur alone. We heal when we trust another and are intimate and can function in that intimacy. After I was raped at 19 I spent 12 years doing spiritual work and therapy and avoided all men. No sex, no nothing, but was hit on constantly because I was pretty. But it wasn't until I bit the bullit and made myself go into relationships to have my issues brought up. I have been constantly retraumatized by my fathers abandonment issues and that is a stronger PTSD than the rape. So, for me, my major healing can only happen IN a relationship because the PTSD is triggered IN the relationships, not out of them. So, in the book Receiving Love, it discusses the epidemic that being alone heals - no it doesn't, being in a loving relationship does. We were not meant to be alone.

[Torqueo]

I voted for option 1.
My boyfriend and I have been together a year. And he knows everything (trauma-wise) thats ever happened to me. He's been wonderfully supportive. He's woken me up when I've had nightmares, he's calmed me when I've had night terrors, he's held me when I'm having panic attacks, and leads me away from something that reminds me of the traumatic experiences when my feet are glued to the floor... I must say, if it wasn't for him. I'd have given up by now.

[2quilt]

In addition to the 'no physical abuse' rule, I would add the rule of 'no unforgiveable emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc'
because couples can argue but not be so mean and nasty that the words and actions made during an argument or wave of PTSD be unforgiveable.
There are other forms of abuse, other than just the physical, so I am just adding those here to widen the scope.

Example: calling your spouse an asshole may be considered verbal abuse, and leaving in a spinning-tires car during an argument may be considered abuse of the relationship, but it may be forgiveable, if the one who is guilty really is sincerely sorry for the words and actions.

I depends on how much you both are willing to tolerate.

[Vickym]

I am very new to this site but all this information is the best so I thank everyone on here! In my opinion I think yes it can work if no one has cheated and there has been no abuse. My bf said to me a month ago that he felt like there was so much damage now that he didnt know anymore. when I asked like what he said the way I talk to you and the way you talked to me from time to time. I told him for me that is not a reason to walk away I understand it dont always like but I understand it and am always willing to learn more to build a stronger bond.

[moog]

I voted for #1. I have seen so many relationships fall apart because of the effects of PTSD both that of friends and my own personal relationships. But the factors that caused those relationships to fail was not the PTSD. It was that there was lack of communication, lack of faithfulness from either one or both partners and almost always abuse in one form or another. Another major one is lack of education or acceptance of PTSD and that can be from either partner. Usually in military couples, sadly to say it is usually the wife that is the angry one that is unwilling to accept or educate themselves about what their husbands are going through and why they act the way they do. Which breaks the most important support bond needed for healing and usually causes things to get worse and the eventual break up of the marriage.

I have been lucky in finding my current wife, she is very supportive, has a background in psychology and we are both involved in my healing. I try to talk to her about every thing and she does the same if the way I act bothers her; before it builds up and causes an arguement. If it builds up, it adds to my anxiety and would usually end up in triggering my rage. Which is the opposite of what we are trying to do.

[stephanie]

I said no simply based upon my experience. My husband and I are divorcing. He has PTSD also, but chose to turn away from me...instead of working through this together.