Trying To Understand Myself

[maja]

Hi, I'm 37 years old female, coming from the part of Europe, once called Yugoslavia. I was not affected by war, I suffer consequences of child and adolescent abuse.

The reason for my writing is my hope to be able to compare my experiences with others.

I'm not sure what proportion of my symptoms and condition is PTSD. My past is constantly hunting and torturing me, however I can find moments of peace and happiness in between. My life is chaos, but I don't feel depressed. I have occasional nightmares, but I don't wake up because of them. But I do wake up sometimes because of anxious dreams.

I do have occasional flashbacks, but almost always I can deal with them. And I have experiences with dissociation and allienation.

As I feel and understand my condition, it's a problem of integrating my traumatic past into my identity. I think this is the function of intrusive memories from the past.

One thing I am not sure about, are my destroyed personal boundaries. Is this somehow connected with PTSD or not? I am very vulnerable and exposed to further emotional abuses. This is the area where I feel most affected and where I work very hard to change things.

Probably everything I wrote, sounds very confusing, but this is me.

Best regards, M.

[hodge]

Hi Maja,

Welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you say...occasional bouts of nightmares, a history of abuse in my childhood and adolescence, flashbacks. Dissociation is a big problem for me off and on. One of my challenges, too, is integrating my past into my present. I also feel very vulnerable to new abuses and traumas, even ones that don't affect me directly. Sometimes, I hear or read about things that bring back intrusive thoughts and memories of an incident I experienced and thought I had dealt with. But, I'm finding out that the nature of this ptsd beast is such that sometimes that happens, and we find that we have still more muck to go through in our healing. And, also, I think confusion is part of the nature of this ptsd beast we're fighting.

Anyway, I think you'll find a supportive environment here. I know I have.

Hodge

[veiled]

Welcome to the forum!

[maja]

Thanks, Hodge. Hearing or reading about abuse cases is challenge for me, too. I am not able to predict what will upset me. I'm not immune, but I think I am at least stronger. Talking about something that has upset me, helps a lot.

[maja]

Thanks, veiled.

[anthony]

Hi Maja, welcome to the forum.
One thing I am not sure about, are my destroyed personal boundaries. Is this somehow connected with PTSD or not? I am very vulnerable and exposed to further emotional abuses. This is the area where I feel most affected and where I work very hard to change things.
Yes, personal boundary shift is part of PTSD. Your self esteem is often shattered, your own self worth, your confidence, etc etc... basically, you have to rebuild yourself because you may feel as though your trauma or life itself has been that poor towards you that you have lost all faith in anyone or anything of significance.