Do I Tell My Girl About My PTSD?

[Josh77]

Good morning/afternoon/night, everyone!! i am having a great week. Part of the reason is due to the advice that was given to me earlier in the week. This forum has saved me many times in the past and continues to guide me through life into recovery!! i not only recieve help with my ptsd, but also with other problems in my life.
i thank God for this forum and all of you that post and read!

It is with this immense gratitude that i once again ask everyone for advice.
I am dating a girl right now and don't know if i should tell her that i have ptsd. i'm afraid that she might not fully understand or take it as a sign of weakness (even though i am well aware that it is not).
She (S) knows that i used to be married and that my wife died; S knows that i have bi-polar disorder (which she feels i am controlling very well); she knows that i care for her deeply, but i don't want to turn her off to me!!
This probably sounds petty to people, but i am still troubled by this dilemma.
Any advice or ideas????

Josh

[She Cat]

Hi Josh,

I can't tell you what to do, and I really won't give any advice.....But how I would feel if I was your girlfriend and you withheld info from me. I would be very hurt and angry. That you were trying to hide something, and I would wonder how many more secrets are you hiding... That's just me.....My opinion..... I believe in honesty....

First I guess that you need to gauge where you are in the relationship. If it's a recent one then maybe you could wait, but if it a long standing one... I would want to know. One of my triggers is being lied to, having info withheld, and people calling me a liar. That said, I just think that honesty is the best policy. But I also think that the timing needs be be taken into account.

You certainly don't have to tell someone on the first date, or even the third or fourth. Just figure out how you feel, how comfortable you are with her, how the relationship is going, and if she is ok with you being Bi-polar, then she seems to be openminded, and caring.

There are no rules to relationships...

I wish you well with this. I know it can be tough to tell others what is going on with us...... Sometimes it just plain sucks.....

Wendy

[Claire]

I think you should tell her. You dont have to come out with everything straight away. Sound her out a little. It will explain your actions in some situations and it would help her understand you more. You cant pretend its not there. When you are comfortable I'd tell her a little. Sounds like she gets the other stuff so hopefully she'll get this. If she doesn't then she doesn't get you either. Sounds harsh but it is a part of you and if she likes the rest then she'll be open to it. Just my opinions, good luck whatever you decide.

[pandora]

Honesty is the best policy. i know it is hard but if she loves you she will love everything about you. Maybe suggest she come here and read some info in the carers section. I now do not hide my PTSD, we should not be ashamed of it, we didn't ask for this. Just my point of view. Hope everything works out well for you, i wish you the best of luck. Take Care.

[Grama-Herc]

Hey Josh--Hercules here! Read your post and I do feel for you and your dilemma! As a female with PTSD I can tell you that anyone who knows me is made aware fairly early on about me and my problems. Why you ask! Well, by deciding to wait telling someone about my issues it cost me relationships becuse the other person did not understand why I did what I did or acted like I acted. The other person had no basis to decide their path. All they knew was they were hurt or angered by an inappropiate action on my part.
By being aware of my little quirks they were able to understnd and forgive nbd yes even just ignore so idiot thing the PTSD caused. Hope this helps

[anthony]

She knows your managing other issues already, so why not PTSD as well? Tell her Josh, because honesty is the best policy, and dishonesty will only bite you on the arse later otherwise. Rather be bitten now than when there is more to lose IMHO. I had no issues telling my new girlfriend, and simply explained it to her, ensure I do my best at all times in relation to how I treat her and my actions, and she learns and supports me... simple as that. Love does amazing things, it also can cause stupid things if trust is not always paramount.

[Shinigami_Shimai]

I told my wife long before we became a couple. She looked up a few things to better understand and is now there for me when I come appart. I think it was for the best to tell her earily on. As everyone else said Honesty is best. If my wife had a problem with my issues I do not know if I would have went through the troubles of having her move in with me. Note: we have been living together for 3 years now and been married over 2 years so things have been working out.

Well, I hope things go well for you.

jaa ne

Kat

[Josh77]

I have read everyone's advice, and it seems that everyone thinks that i should tell her now as opposed to later... BUT there is a new twist to my dilemma:
Her mother found out that i am bi-polar and now forbids her daughter to see me, even though she is 22 years old (i am 30) and wants to see me still. She was constantly on my mind, and i couldn't concentrate on my work or anything else for that matter, so i broke it off. We are still friends and care for each other very much; in fact, i am falling for her hard!!!! She spoke to our priest and he gave her great advice... He said that if she still wants to see me that she should buy her own car and see me regardless of what her mother says... after all, she IS a grown woman!!

Now, i don't know what to do. Do i try to turn off my feelings for her?? Do i keep going down the path i am on, knowing it could be painful?? Do i stop all contact with her or just let nature take its course?? I am so confused!?!?:cuckoo: :think: I AM HEARTBROKEN:crybaby:

[She Cat]

Gee Josh the story never ends for you. I'm so sorry. Love can hurt sometimes.....

I guess the question that needs to be asked is this.... Is your girlfriend (or ex girlfriend) or friend still living at home with her parents???? If she is, this could put her in a difficult position with her parents. I know that she is 22, but if she is living at home it could be a problem.

That said....I think that her mother has a few problems.....
#1 being kind of controlling.
#2 her daughter is 22 yrs old and capable of making her own decisions. #3.........So what if your are bi-polar!!!!!!!!!

My god you would think that she just found out that you have 3 heads, and breath fire from your butt or something....

Does she think that being bi polar is something that you can catch???? God I just can't stand ignorant people.

Josh, I'm sorry that you are going through this.. I really don't know what to tell you. You're a grown man, she is a grown woman, and yet you have a very nasty mother in the mix......I guess you need to figure out if your girlfriend is worth the hassle that I think you might be in with "Dear old Mom in the way"

Whatever you decide...Good luck and keep posting.....

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Wendy

[Josh77]

Thanks Wendy...
Her mother thinks that because i am bi-polar, that that somehow makes me a violent person. I have never hit a woman...NEVER. PERIOD. The only violence in my life was perpertrated on me!!
She watches too much Lifetime Televsion for Women Movies... you know the ones where the boyfriend turns out to be a psychotic triple axe-murderer who kills the girl and her whole family?!?! I mean, come on!! What is with this lady?

[She Cat]

HI Josh,

Mom sounds like she has an overactive mind, and possibly a little to protective of her daughter. On the other hand maybe your girlfriend needs to learn to keep some secrets about her boyfriends diagnosis.

Either way it's a tough situation, and one that you are going to have to come to a decision about.

If she means that much to you, you might want to think about sitting down with her mother and explaining that Bi-polar isn't quite the same as an 3 headed dragon, that carries an axe, and breathes fire out of it's butt. Polietly of course!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Other than that Josh...........hhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Don't know what to tell you...

Hugs,

Wendy

[Claire]

Hello Josh, maybe you could explain it to her somehow? If she's making decisions that are just ignorant and uneducated then educate her. Lets face it there are many, many myths about mental health problems. Why dont you try and explain things? You could try a letter of you think it wouldn't work face to face? Its worth it isn't it? I think you should at least try. She's obviously just concerned for her daughter which is good in a way, means she loves her.

[Chantico]

I agree with She Cat. The mother doesn't know what's going on, and whilest her actions are hurtful, people will usually do anything to protect their children, and somehow she views you as a threat.
If you love this girl, you may have to end up getting to know her family, and it's somehow gotten off on the wrong foot. I would maybe take some flowers round, ask to sit and talk with the mother, and explain to her as much as you're comfortable with telling her. It's not going to be easy, but if you love this girl and she's worth it, then persevere!
I don't have PTSD, just happen to have had a very sharp learning curve this year about it.
If you read my last post on 'How much do I tell my partner', I would personally say go for it. Let her know. She loves you, she'll be scared for you and will likely panic and not know what to do if she witnesses it without being warned about it first. What happens if she thinks you're having a seizure and calls the ambulance? I swear, when my best friend/ex started passing out then thrashing around whilst unconscious, the only reason I didn't call the ambulance was because the moves looked purposeful rather than convulsive, and then he was talking and thrashing and woke up begging me not to hit him. If I had known this was a possibility of happening, I would have been able to prepare, been able to keep him calmer and he wouldn't have ended up so scared.
It is difficult as well. Our close friends told me he was putting it on, that he was just attention-seeking and it was all an act that I was being fooled by.
But I KNEW it was real, I knew he wasn't taking me for a ride, and despite not knowing anything about it I basically said 'screw you' to those people (not so close friends now) and basically clung to him as hard as I could, without knowing anything about it, knowing that he's a good actor and that the possibility of it being an act was there, but I couldn't believe that - if I believed that then I would have had to start checking for camera's under my desk etc.
So months later it turns out my instincts were right, we've both got better friends, and he is in such a good place the past couple of months.
So please, tread carefully, use your own jurisdiction, but just saying that my situation would have been better had i been told what to expect and how to handle it.
XOX