How Good Will This Get?........And Then What.

[pandora]

I am just wondering if anyone else experienced this.

When my PTSD was dx 4 years ago, i was in really bad shape, vomiting, shaking so bad i could not hold a pen, vomiting and just feeling almost paranoid about everyone and everything.

I guess being a nurse, i expected more from myself. I thought i was going to have my therapy and then I would be "cured" I now know differently and now have had to accept that i will never be that strong, confident person again?

I know that I have come a long way and my symptoms are better but they still affect me everyday. I get a little nervous or in a panick type of position and i shake. Well.....let me give you this needle or start this IV. I used to work on an active surgical floor and then i taight and then started supervising, so I was in a high stress environment all of the time and then I just lost it.

What i am wondering if this is how it will always be. My symptoms are manageable right now but I am NOT working and even though i was supposed to go back to work and then hurt my back i wonder what would have happened if in fact i would have returned last year. I still get too anxious, have little self confidence (more than i had before anyway) still have migraines and IBS is crazy sometimes and I have insomnia like crazy.

So.........does this mean this is as good as it is ever going to get. i think right now i am dealing with losing me. It is almost like going through a grieving process for the person i used to be and i just wonder. Is this the way it will be for the rest of my life. Managed, not cured...........hhhmmmmmmm. i am just confused today and really missing the person I used to be. I had so much potential and now it seems like i don't know what to so. i have only ever been a nurse and have grown up helping people and being at the hospital a lot as a visitor, patient and nurse. I guess i am just sad today because i really want my pre-PTSD days back..realistically, that is not going to happen but working through this is very hard!
Just my little vent for today. i was just wondering if anyone experiences these thoughts or feelings too.

[She Cat]

Pandora,

In my opinion... Everyone is different. We all attack things differently. We all have different coping skills. Different ways to deal with certain issues. We all learn differently. None of us learn and heal at the same rate. Some will still skirt issues. Some will put things on the back burner for another time. Some will attack PTSD head on and recover quicker than others.

I guess what I am trying to say is...You get out of it, what you put into it. In other words, how hard you work to get healthy, I think is a major component to the time it takes to manage your life to the point that you can function. To the point that you can bring yourself back quicker, than before. When things don't get to you as much.

I don't think that ANYONE has ever gotten over PTSD... You just get healthier, and can manage the stress and symptoms better.

You say that you are much better than before... That's great!!!!!! Then you know that you are getting better.

Keep at it... It will come, have faith in yourself to do this.

Wendy

[veiled]

I think Wendy did a wonderful job summing it up!

[Marlene]

So.........does this mean this is as good as it is ever going to get. i think right now i am dealing with losing me. It is almost like going through a grieving process for the person i used to be

Pandora,

I've felt like this a lot of times here recently. I felt like if I just dealt with my traumas and got past the 'big' issues that everything would return to how it was. Like I could reclaim my life from where it got all screwed up with the PTSD symptoms and just go on. Finding that this wasn't the truth was very difficult for me. Lots of anger and lots of grieving. It's taken some time for me to realize that, yeah, I've lost parts of me that I'm not getting back, but I have also discovered parts of myself that I never knew were there. I'm also learning (slowly) acceptance of the changes in my life and the new borders that I now live within. Go ahead and grieve for who you used to be. Grieving helps us to comes to terms with the changes in our lives.

and i just wonder. Is this the way it will be for the rest of my life. Managed, not cured...........hhhmmmmmmm.

Manged, not cured-yeah. That's the best we can hope for in dealing with PTSD. Will you be that way for life? That's really up to you to answer. All of us are unique people here and there's no pat answer that fits all. A lot of our personal rules get rewritten with PTSD. Our boundries get redefined. Part of our recovery is to discover our new boundries and rules. Find which ones we can push or mold into a different shape and the ones that we should just leave alone. A very individual thing.

Lisa