Now Medication Free and a New Lease on Life

[veiled]

After being on at least 10 different doctor prescribed drugs, and Xanax for over 2 years, I am now drug free. I am just into the early morning hours of day 9 of no Xanax. I wasn't sure to post this yet or not. But I seem to be making it and ready to say I am really succeeding now. I feel confident to beat this and the added addiction to this medication. I saw and knew medication was a band aid but I never knew how little I really appreciated that until now. I have more clarity now. After going through the symptoms I was prescribed for and making it without meds I see it now. I can do this, I can make it from the tools provided here and Anthony doing a bang up job lighting my path.

I have been weaning and healing for over a year now after knowing it was PTSD. It took a long time to get off Xanax and Zoloft and confront demons "alone". Some thought I was a success before. Now I finally am feeling like one. I never believed this day would come I could do this on my own. I want to thank everyone here as I could not have done this with out all of you and I know I will still need your friendships. And I thank you bec for all the "off line" support, we did not get off on the right foot but you turned out to be a best friend. Anthony too, but he knows that is a no brainer. He should know anyway.

I think I am going to go find my first post here when I was swamped with full blown symptoms and compare it to now in a bit. I think it may give people hope that it can be done if you are willing to go through all the unforgiving pain.

I thank this entire forum, seasoned members and new alike, thank you for your support.

[She Cat]

Veiled,


What else can be said other than GREAT JOB!!!!!!! You deserve a pat on the back and an atta girl for that.

Keep up the good work...

Wendy

[becvan]

A Huge inspiration, you are!

You've done an amazing job and just continue to do so. Beyond proud of you!

*hugs*

bec

[veiled]

OK, I have to post my "I am lost am lost and putting out feelers post" from a year ago (first intro). Anthony seemed to understand and understand me more than I did myself then. Of course the forum was much smaller and he could LOL... I have since learned I was for a few weeks on 12 mgs xanax before I got here. I have no recall of that but on 12 mgs a day who would? Hubs told me. And I thought I was only down to 6 mgs a day when I got here. Maybe I was bumped back up or got here later than I recall... So I hope this helps others. It says I was on 5 on arrivial. http://www.ptsdforum.org/archive/index.php/t-320.html

And thanks guys, you both help me a lot!

[Marlene]

Veiled,

Sending more congrats to you. Getting off of the meds is a tough row to hoe. Keep up the good work!

I love the title of your post. It's a great feeling, isn't it?

Lisa

[anthony]

You know you were still inside veiled, and now you've found yourself. You didn't believe this person was waiting to be found, now you found her, you just have to be good to her; your new self. You will continue to learn, have no doubts about that, you will relapse at times, each getting smaller, though with constant management, identification and knowing yourself, listening to others that know you (for those little signs they pickup first), appreciate everything you have learnt, and grow larger than life. Veiled, you have worked hard to get this far, and congratulations, a huge well done. You did the work, you deserve the credit. Huge hug for you.... and extremely proud of you.

[veiled]

and extremely proud of you.

And very thankful to you. I would have not seen this day without your guidance, pushes, and down right mean kicks in the ass at times. One of these days you will come to America so I can give you a big ol' kiss.

[piglet]

Many congrats Veiled - and inspiration to us all!!!! Well done!!

[zoe]

Congratulations Veiled! Thanks for sharing that first post and all of the others.

Zoe

[veiled]

Thanks guys, I am happy to say my 11th day is officially done! I wonder how long I will be counting days. People who know me in real time seem to be amazed and never thought I would ever really be off. Even though I have never hid (couldn't) each step down for the last year. But I guess no one realized how much I was on and it takes that long to wean in a healthy manner!

Could not do it without all of you! Big hugs.

[Marlene]

I wonder how long I will be counting days.

Last Friday was my ninth week off the meds. I wonder when I'm going to stop counting, too. It still feels so new to me so I figure when the newness wears off, then I'll stop.

Lisa

[Jim]

Extremely well done Veiled. Wishing you much continued success!

Jim.

[She Cat]

Hey Veiled,

Great job, soon it will be 2 weeks..... You go girl.....

I am still at the thinking stage. I have dealt with depression all of my life, and since being on Cymbalta I actually feel human. I really don't have any more problems with the PTSD crap. Occasionally I will get triggered, but I can get back to "Earth" real quick. No more nightmares. I pretty much am ok, it's just the friggin depression. So I am a little bit worried about coming off of it. I would like to be med free again,,,,,,,but I get worried that the depression will take over again.

Crap, I will have to think this through some more.

Wen

[Kathy]

Well done Veiled. It is a wonderful victory for you. It sounds as though you've had quite a struggle, but it was well worth it in the end! I wish you much happiness to come.

[lrs]

If anyone thinks it is easy to do what you did, it could only be because they have not done so themselves.
Great Job, good luck to you.

[She Cat]

Veiled,

Just wondering how things are going???? Have things calmed down any at all????

Talk soon,

Wendy

[Nicolette]

Great stuff Veiled. Keep up the wonderful work you are doing.

[veiled]

Wendy, amost 3 weeks now. Need a couple more days to be there.

Had a completely panic attack free day here today. Insomnia still kicking my ass and some anxiety... But I found a good distraction, btw I really don't condone distracting but it was a nice needed break. I could breathe all day! It is getting better, but I sure am ready to go back home to my honey. I think he will be tickled to get a new woman back after I finish camping.

After I get home y'all will get a little break from me, I broke my damn lap top again! Grrr. Alomost 5:30 AM, I need to go try to sleep.

Again, thank you all and yes, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Never want to revisit this ugly road of addiction. I don't want to see others have to do this either, it is a real eye opener. You think you know it hurts, and then you see how much it can.

[She Cat]

Veiled,

I am so happy for you.....Way to go girl... :claps: Even though you are still having some problems, you must be on top of the world with PRIDE for the terrific job that you have accomplished. Coming off an addiction to any drug is so hard. I give you so much credit for taking the challenge, and accomplishment on such a great job.

BIG HUGS!!!!! You really deserve it.

The sleep issue will resolve itself over time. Your body needs to readjust to everything that it has been through in the last few weeks......Try not to fight the sleep thing to much, rest when you need too.

So what did you do to the lap top????? I just bought one last week. I have wanted one for 2 yrs, and I finally just said screw it, I deserve it, so I bought one.

Keep up the great job you are doing.

Wen

[batgirl]

Congratulations veiled, it's a major accomplishment. I didn't realize you had done this, I guess I haven't been around though. Anyways well done, I am so happy for you. Hope things continue to go well.

[Claire]

Well done Veiled. Keep it going!

[veiled]

Just updating, I have made it through the 4 week mark. A month off. Hard shit! But for the first time the hot flashes have backed off since I can recall. I got a chill yesterday and today with goose bumps! I even had to go outside in the massive heat to stand in the sun to warm.

I used to love to sun bathe, to feel the heat on my skin, but in recent years it was horrible. I enjoyed it briefly again and hope to sit out when back home without getting ill. The sun and road is beckoning me. If I can make it through all the paper work I think I can get my DL back to drive, hubs fixed my A/C in my van, and there is a lake close by I want to visit.

Hubs has been speaking with me on the phone saying he can hear me sounding so much better. I am learning my limits and quicly recognize how far is too far. The best part is what I desire and do now used to be way too far. My "too far" is way past my previous limits. I am starting to enjoy certain things in life again I was not sure I ever would again just by knowing I will do this much and let it rest, and then do more later. It is just too awesome!

[veiled]

Oh and a new turn... I could give a rat's ass drugs made me fat now. I do care about getting fat health wise (was a big shocker when I saw some recent photos of me from camping but I still felt good looking at it) but when I was tiny and trim I was more self concious than I am now being a plus size! I used to be embarrassed in shorts when petite and cute... and looking at old photos I should have been strutting, and now I bought shorts AND a SKIRT (never did that)! But now I am thinking way less of what others may think and realizing the way I look now so do most. Why did I never see it before? I never realized I was so different looking when I was a size zero. I even bought a sleeveless shirt! Me and my chubby arms LOL, and I LOVE it. I am so much more comfortable in my skin.

I feel now what they say... Big and Beautiful. If I get skinny again world watch out! I will be walking around nakedy LOL. I am just beaming with life. I can't wait for my husband to see me after my vacation. To live with this attitudde. I could do and feel this in my home before a long time ago, but to feel it now, is so amazing, as you can tell since I keep going on! He has not seen this for so so long. He will finally be getting the woman he feel in love with (part) back. I think we are both going to be doing worlds better. With me like this his work did much better and kids were happier, everyone will be better for this! Even the annoying parts like now LOL.

[She Cat]

Veiled,

Your post made me cry.....tears of happiness, that you had some happiness too. We all here deserve that. It can be achieved....I am so happy for you, and proud too that you did the 4 weeks, did a trip, and found you again....GREAT JOB!!!!!!

Keep up the good work and :kickass:!!!!!!!!!


Love,

Wen

[veiled]

Thanks Wendy, it is just... I guess I don't feel much if any depression right now. You don't realize what part still lingers until you feel good. I feel so good now, like a weight is lifted I have been carrying on my shoulders for years now. I am ready to start making some steps out into this world again. Not ready to leap, but ready to step out. I hope this will make others decide and see they can too. I was a wreck when I got here.

[Nicolette]

He will finally be getting the woman he feel in love with (part) back. I think we are both going to be doing worlds better. With me like this his work did much better and kids were happier, everyone will be better for this! Even the annoying parts like now LOL.

Absolutely awesome Veiled. So happy for you:biggrin:

[Zamboni]

veiled,

SO you say meds are a crutch? DO they work or a bandaid.

Zamboni

[veiled]

Depends on your meaning of work. Do they control symptoms? Yes, but only short term. Then you have to keep taking more and more until it is too much to be safe and must come off.

Are they a band-aid or crutch, again certainly. But remember those are not meant to be used forever either. Just very short term. Then while you have the band-aid or crutch you must go through healing and then lose them to heal further.

These medications can be very useful as a relief long enough to learn some skills of healing. Sadly I took it for over a year before I knew I needed therapy or what was wrong. I had to do it (learn) while weaning for over a year. I am not finished learning. On this one though I think I have a pretty good idea most certainly now. These drugs are dangerous and should be used with the utmost care.

[nov_silence]

Keep kickin ass veiled. You are my hero!

[Nicolette]

Great work so far Veiled....Keep it up!

[Nam]

Veiled,

Wow is all I can say. I've been gone for a while and there is a big difference in your posts. You've helped so many people by sharing your experiences and it's awesome what you've accomplished in your own healing. It's awesome, awesome, awesome!!!!

Nam

[veiled]

Thanks again guys. And Nam, thank you so much. I have missed you around here! That is a wonderful compliment coming from you.

I just wanted to update I am still drug free. Now that I am back home this week from Houston I am just shocking myself! My husband has asked more than a few times who are you and what have you done with my wife?

I have cooked and cooked. And real cooking, things that take 5 hours to prepare. I made almost 100 pirogies yesterday. Some fruit and some potato and cheese. Extra for my MIL even.

I have been pushing hard for people to shut off the computers and spend family time. I have been saying I love you so much more and hugging my teenager. He smiles but not wild about it. I am cherishing my family time so much more instead of hiding from them.

I made new popcorn recipes tonight, ranch and peanut caramel corn.

Everyone yelled until I said fine no movie tonight (they did not want to do it). Some reason when I gave in they changed their mind? So my manly men watched The Color Purple. My husband (who would never admit this) got chocked up and had teary eyes. Admitted it was a good movie. I thought he was laughing at a moving scene when his tummy jerked and as I turned to scold I saw it was not a giggle but crying.

I tried to get him out tonight to watch the stars at a nearby lake on a blanket, but he is not ready to just go do like I am trying. He is has not been around this in a while so I will try to go slower.

I went to a huge grocery store (not the little local market) for the first time since I moved here at Christmas.

I went to the little market this week all alone. I even went and paid my bills at city hall. Now I will admit I walked and still not driving. I did fight paying the bills but hubs forgot to pay them and I really had to.

Also, went with hubs to check out the lake. It was gorgeous. I cannot believe that place has been so close and I have not enjoyed it. So hubs and I have been looking at new camping gear so we can force the kids camping. I cannot wait to go fish in it!

I am getting a different kind of tired, not stress but doing things. I am seeing a re sparked light in my hubs eyes. He is tired in a good way too. He is more willing to get off the net. He is laughing. Everyone is smiling more. Laughing more. Laughing with me from being silly. I forgot how I was.

I am having my interest come back from years ago. This is too awesome.

I still do have some bad anxiety attacks but most are short. I bounce back fast. I was able to focus and come back from derealization. This is all like the most wonderful breath of fresh air.

I did learn PMS and no Xanax is a new kind of hell, but I hope it won't last long. PMS is hell but a little less would be nice. I guess it can't all be good. Roses do have thorns. But damn they smell sweet.

[becvan]

All I can say is:

Damn Girl!

I'm so freaking proud of you! and so happy for you!

*hugs*

bec

[She Cat]

Veiled,

Ah hon.....Great job. I am so happy that your world is alive again, instead of being dulled through the fog of drugs.

I bet what you are feeling is like being re-born, so everything around you is new and crisp....Go and experience all the new wonders in your world....I am so happy for you...

Remember to stay grounded during the anxiety attack. possibly taking vitamin for the PMS will help too. I know that exercise will help, but I didn't want to push my luck...LOL!!!!

Congrats again hon.....

Wen

[Seeking_Nirvana]

That is great! I hope to be able to come of my medications some day. It's nice to know that there are people who can do this.

Tammy

[veiled]

Thanks guys, still going strong :)

[zoe]

Veiled,

Thanks for sharing that I am really happy for you!

It also reminded me of some of the fun stuff my H, the kids, and I did - nice memories for a change. Although, I am a bit concerned about the cooking for 5 hours??? I do sort of understand as my H use to do that. Personally, I'll stick with the frozen meal in the box when it is my turn to cook.

Zoe

[veiled]

I really used to love to cook but I loath cleaning it up. That is why I pay my teen an allowance ;) The cooking is fun again, yeah!

[Frankie]

Congratulations, what an inspiration to all who suffer from this ! You should be real proud of the work you did to get to where you are !

There is truly a light at the end of the tunnel. You will have many challenges and obstacles, but being drug free is a great step !! :)

I can't wait when I can say the same for my boyfriend. But however long it will take, it doesn't matter, as long as he continues to get better !

[veiled]

Well, just thought I would come in here to say I have not stayed off 100% as it turns out. Ah, disappointing but learning that is life. I certainly do not take it daily nor weekly for that matter. But I do have days accumulate where I do have to take some in the end to reground as the CBT and meditations to ground me won't work. I just get too pooped at times. But I can go weeks of none. I think I found my middle ground. I have processed and worked, I have learned living skills, I have also learned my limits. Sucks to admit have them but I do. But if a .5 xanax can help find my footing for a few weeks at a time oh well :) Shitload better than before! OK anniversaries I have to medicate more often, but if that is only twice a year that is way better than I thought my life would be. Just trying to keep th thread honest now. I am not addicted like I was, that is beat, but does not change I do still need it here and there.

[She Cat]

I believe that we are all different. What works for each of us is what we need. If you are comfortable with taking it once in awhile, then fine. If you need it everyday, that's fine too. Sometimes we can struggle for just so long, and then it's head for the pills.

You have done a terrific job at coming off of the xanax...