Intense Fear of Expressing Emotions

[Awakening]

Hope this is okay.

I posted my intro in the intro place, not sure if I have pts or ptsd.

I had an intense session with T. Anyone experienced the gestalt empty chair thing?

I refused to do it. All I could feel was an overwhelming flood of emotion, that surprised me. I didn't know it was there, I don't know who that person is. Doesn't belong to me. GRRRRRRR.:cussing:

Now even though therapy is a few days away I feel incredibly anxious and so I'm drinking. My old friend. I really don't think I can handle the intensity of these emotions.

Some things in life I can talk about and feel sad, angry whatever but this is so intense. I feel really scared. :eek:

Any advice on how to access those emotions and let them out? I want to get better, I want to release them, but my defenses kick in. How to get past this? How to feel safe in therapy?

BTW, my psychologist is great, trustworthy etc but still something holds me back.:dontknow:

[anthony]

Then from what your just stated, your therapist is doing everything correctly, its you that is not participating because of your own fears. You need to make a decision in order to continue therapy, being do you want to get better or not? Simple question, simple answer. If you do, then you need to take charge of yourself, because you don't control anyone else. Only you can make the decision, the choice, to get better, and that choice includes feeling the pain associated with your trauma. Your therapist knows this, I know this, you know this, but you avoid it.

Your not unique to this, trust me on that. We all fear our past, that is what gave us PTSD to begin with in a nutshell... fear. Whilst you continue to fear your trauma, your trauma continues to control you. Simple choice ha? Feel the pain or not! You feel the pain, its short term for long term gain vs. don't feel the intense pain short term, and suffer long term. Not much of a choice as I see it, but that is me.

Harsh, yes... but the reality of the situation. You get to make your own choices, that's the beauty of all this, and the painful part too!

[She Cat]

Anthony is so right.......

It's also facing the trauma again so the we can desensitize ourselves to it over a period of time. Fear is just fear, it's just an emotion. What you are feeling is just a emotion to a previous trauma. It feels awful, and it makes us FEEL hurt, angry, sad, or whatever, but it can't hurt us. You are in the here and now, you are safe, it can't hurt you again.

Over time, by exposing yourself to the feeling of the trauma, you will become desensitized to it, and it won't affect you like this anymore....Just give it time. Yes it will FEEL like shit, but it will also hurt a little less every time you face it after that.

Just keep telling yourself that you are in the here and now, breath deep, and tell yourself that you are safe......


Hang in there,

Wendy

[kers]

While I agree that you've got to face the emotions and overcome the anxiety that is holding you back, maybe you just need to work with your therapist to find a way that works better with you. My counselor tried to get me to do the empty chair thing several times and I strongly, strongly resisted--I felt so stupid just thinking about it. The feeling was so strong that it was pointless to try the approach--we found other ways for me to explore the feelings and get my emotions out.

It's okay to say something isn't working with you, but you do have to ante up and be willing to try something else! Once you start exposing yourself to the trauma, it is like a stone rolling downhill--it does get easier.

[Damiea]

Just a thought.. is there anything you can do to make you feel "safer" like holding a special stuffed animal... or an item that has treasured memories you can hold and run your fingers over to remind you of good things? I could never express emotion of any sort for years and years untill I held my baby in my arms and felt that warm little body cuddling up to me. only after that was I able to let myself feel safe to show emotion or even talk about how I felt to people. and that was usually by carrying something like a picture or an item my daughter had made me to remind me that some emotions can be wonderfull and sometimes you have to feel the bad ones to relise how special the good stuff is.

[Awakening]

Thanks everyone, you are all helping me a lot.

The problem I'm finding is that I will psych myself up for it. I make a decision before going into therapy that I will be open & willing. That if I feel the fear, I will do it anyway. I try several different things to gear myself up for expressing emotion. I feel ready before entering the session.

Then *Something* happens. It's an automatic response. Despite my very best intentions something else happens in there, and I walk out Homer Simpson d'oh! Frustrating. My brain can't seem to override my body's response.

My T asks me 'what do you need'. And my response is always to 'make the bad feelings go away'. That is the incorrect answer apparently.

I have a cushion that I hold to make me feel safer. I feel like a baby but that's how the bad feelings make me feel. Like a vulnerable defenceless child.

With the empty chair, I had to put my child there, and all I became aware of was an overwhelming urge to cry, which I resisted. I realised I couldn't do the exercise without crying. Yet, I've told myself a hundred times & my T has told me a hundred times that it's okay to cry in therapy. Hell, I've even done it a few times. But again, this automatic resistant thing comes up. It's really annoying.

When I get this bad feeling it's like I'm going to die. Like death is right there. I *know* I'm not going to die, yet my body acts like it's about to. I can't breathe properly, my legs go weak, I start shaking all over, intense panic. Yet nothing is there, I'm perfectly safe. It's simply I'm scared witless about the feelings. These feelings are different to normal sad, anger, fear. They are life threatening, uncontrollable, overwhelming. They do hurt me. They hurt a lot. Physically & Mentally.

I tell myself that if I feel the urge to cry or get angry, then just go with it. But then in the session I lose focus, I can't see clearly everything gets blurry, I can't think straight, I feel surreal. My T says I tend to 'dissassociate' during the session, yet I can't seem to stop this from happening.

I guess all I can do is keep reminding myself that I can handle the feelings, that I am safe, that it's okay to show emotion and hope my body catches up.

[kers]

You're doing fine, Awakening. This IS the process of healing. Sucks, doesn't it? I have a lot to say because you sounds so much like I felt this past winter.

My T asks me 'what do you need'. And my response is always to 'make the bad feelings go away'. That is the incorrect answer apparently.
You sound angry! I understand--it would be so much easier if the therapist could just fix the problem, right? But no one but you can make the bad feelings go away. Your therapist can help though, by listening, giving you information that makes you feel less alone, or by telling you you're not alone in your pain.


My T says I tend to 'dissassociate' during the session, yet I can't seem to stop this from happening.
Yep, I do this. It's not unusual with PTSD. reread your post about all the emotions you feel when you try to talk about the trauma: terror. You're scared and you space out or dissociate to try to feel safer.

Lots of us blank out when we try to share about the trauma and process the feelings. It's natual, but you have to fight it to get out of the hole PTSD has put you in.

Try talking with your therapist just about the fear you feel when faced with discussing the trauma. That may help you ease into the discussion of the actual trauma. Talking through the process helps move it along.

This isn't going to be solved quickly. But being devoted to trying will get you there, eventually. Keep working--you'll see results in time.


I guess all I can do is keep reminding myself that I can handle the feelings, that I am safe, that it's okay to show emotion and hope my body catches up.
Exactly. It takes a long time to re-condition our bodies that it's not a dangerous time.

[anthony]

My T asks me 'what do you need?'. And my response is always 'to make the bad feelings go away'. That is the incorrect answer apparently.
I would say its absolutely incorrect actually. Normal, but incorrect. Your conceptualising your response, using an "always" response, never really thinking about the depth of the problem, just looking for an easy fix.

The bad feelings aren't just going to go away when you don't want to open up and get your true emotion out. Sorry, but thats the way it works. You don't be honest with your therapist and tell them the true depth and scope of your emotional self, you don't get rid of the bad feelings. Harsh, but factual. You control this, not your therapist. Your therapist cannot make you unload your emotions, they cannot make you be honest with them by divulging your true feelings, even what you know you feel, so they can dig further and help you. Basically, your giving them nothing in order to help you with, because their sitting there taking guesses at whats wrong, not actually knowing what is wrong, knowing how you truly feel, etc. Again, you control this, nobody else. You choice whether the bad feelings go away or not, and not your therapists choice like you seem to easily think at first.

[Awakening]

OK, this has got me thinking.

And I like the to-the-point, hold no punches approach on this forum, so I'm saying don't hold back. It doesn't sound harsh, it sounds correct to me, I'm just not sure how to bloody well get there. I do really want to get over this. I'm very determined.

I'm thinking that maybe I'm confusing myself with the ptsd (assuming that is what it is for now). I'm thinking if I try and separate the ptsd from myself that might help? It really is pure terror.

It hasn't occured to me that I could 'fight' it or that I might have 'control' over it. Because it really doesn't feel like I have any control, because I can't even see the 'bad feelings' coming. They tend to hit me from behind and I'm well & truly in the middle of it before I might realise. Sometimes I don't even realise until after the event i.e. after a therapy session or even a day after a panic attack thingie. I can control other emotions; nervousness at public speaking, sadness at the thought of a deceased relative. But this is different to those experiences.

I realise I have been thinking that it's my therapists choice to get those feelings out of me, so I need to change my perspective.

I feel like the ptsd is me and I'm the ptsd, it's all lost in there together. Not sure if that makes any sense. Maybe if I had a red flag to remind me that when I dissassociate this is the ptsd to bring me back. I can feel in control when the symptoms aren't jumping up and down inside me, but once they start I completely lose myself and my brain disappears. All my resolve goes, and I forget I even had resolve. I am just the PTSD in those times.

My therapists asks me 'what do I need?' and the honest answer is I need to be held & comforted whilst I cry & scream like a child. I need to let all these feelings out, I'm tired of carrying them around.

But the above statement makes me cringe. It's so embarassing, pathetic & needy. It doesn't sound like me, even though I'm saying that's what I need. It's true though so I will leave it typed there in cyberspace.

Is this really what trauma work is about? Do people really 'lose it' in therapy?

And yes, Kers this sucks! I thought "healing" would feel a heck of alot better then this.

[anthony]

You have no idea how much people lose it during trauma therapy. I have seen the biggest toughest man in a room devoured to tears on the floor. I have seen tiny framed women tear a room apart in anger. Not much surprises me nowadays, especially with trauma. You have to be honest with your therapist, that is the point. You clarified what your true feelings are, then you stated, "It doesn't sound like me!" What do you sound like though when you haven't been honest with yourself? I can tell you, and that is the sound of society, trying to be what society or social pressures, peer pressures want you to be, instead of just being you.

PTSD and you equals you. They are one, and you can't divide or separate them. If you have read here when I refer to people here who i have worked with, they break, and I make no secrets of it. You must break in order to get better. You break for nothing more than the sheer emotional turmoil that you release, and then your brain decides to dig up even more, release that also upon you.

Your fighting to try and keep it in, your trying to fit a mold that you believe society has dictated, and it doesn't work with PTSD. You must work on yourself, you must be honest with yourself. The more you bullshit yourself, the worst your symptoms will become over time. You will eventually break, regardless whether you want it or not, but at present you can control to some point how much comes out, compared to total melt down, likely suicide or attempted suicide. You have to reach that point regardless, because you will during the release stage, but you must control your temptations to want to take the easy way out, you must control the ideation you will get, you must work on you extremely hard for a short period of time, around 3 - 6 months typically, at which point you will find a severe change in how things then affect you, because no longer are you being stressed by the present and your past trauma, just the present you live within. That is when you learn to manage PTSD. At the moment though, your carrying around years of torment, bags of negative emotion from your trauma, all firing inside you which your trying to keep in, instead of honestly letting it all out. Your therapist can help you, but they can only work with what you give them. You feed them bullshit, they feed you useless information back. You feed them the 100% honest truth, they will feed you absolute techniques to begin trying, learning, and finding what works best for you.

People, the majority of times, work against their therapist, and then wonder why therapy does nothing for them. You have to work with them, and you have to be prepared to take responsibility and do the work yourself.

[veiled]

Well, since you sound like you are having some sort of panic attack... Has your therapist worked with you to learn to control them a little before hand? Panic will not go away until your issues are worked through but maybe they can teach you some CBT techniques to ease the attacks so you can push forward?

[Awakening]

THANK YOU.

This site & the users are 'reaching me' more then anything else has in 18 months.

My BS doesn't seem to work here, you guys see straight through it, and point out what I'm actually doing. I don't realise I'm being dishonest with myself. But I am.

I do have some 'grounding techniques' for panic attacks and that's what I've been using, and it does help a little, sometimes.

Right now, I think I'm overloading. I think all your comments are exceptionally valid but it's making me feel sick, so I think I'll take a break, then come back & read all this again right before my next therapy session.

Right now, I feel so ready to be honest, I can see how I'm not being honest, and I think if my therapist was here now, I'd do it.

But then it seems, that by the time the therapy session rolls around, I'm so relieved to have made it to another week, that I go in all positive & bubbly & look-how-well-I-cope.

So, I'll take a break for two days because it's starting to get unsettling, then come back here & re-read over so I can remind myself of the TRUTH of the matter.

I need to give this other me - the one with all these emotions & feelings I don't want to have - a voice in the therapy room, rather then trying to obliterate it.

I'm very very grateful for your straight-forward advice, and I will let you know how I go.

[veiled]

Wonderful insight on yourself! Now go in there with it intact. You keep up this attitude you can do it. I cannot wait for you to come back and vent how you letting go in therapy goes. And don't be shocked if you are sick for a couple days afterwards. If it does that it means you are doing therapy right and it will keep getting easier each time. Good luck.

[Lisa]

I know you are on a break, but as usual I can't resist putting my 2 scents in :wink:

So I've finally found someone who says the same as me "Do people really lose it in therapy?"! It's an alien concept to me also. But apparently it is considered inappopriate NOT to lose it in therapy! I relate a lot to what you say.

I have had to admit to my therapist those feelings you described, and the struggle and fear you also described. I had to because, as Anthony said some do, I went to therapy and didn't put any effort or hard work in and I wondered why nothing seemed to work. That was part the therapist in some cases, but even with the right therapist I wouldn't have made use of them the way I should have so it was all pointless. Now I've got a decent one, and I only have him for a year at most.

That motivates me to put myself through the things I don't want to be put through, in order to get better. I still haven't 'let go' in therapy... but what I learned from myself in my period of resistance was that I didn't trust this therapist as much as I first thought. So....bit by bit, I've been telling him secret after secret. And telling him that there's more, that I have things that he still doesn't know about. As he continues to not let me down, not disbelieving me or blaming me, or insisting I tell him everything, I am starting to wonder if maybe I can trust him... It is important to try to think about why you are at this struggle. Is it purely PTSD? Do you trust your therapist enough to let go? What are you frightened of? Being vulnerable? Knocking down all of those defences which have kept you alive for so long? Allowing yourself to feel? Is it just habit, and you need a good shove out of this defensive reaction you have?

My therapist often tells me that I seem dissociated and cut off too, by the way -as kers said - v. common.

But also when I am not, I am consciously resisting emotion also. I think once I can get to a point where i really feel I can trust him, I will be able to stop that and actually confront what I don't want to confront. But it has been an important step to tell him all of this, and to tell him how I feel, and how difficult I find talking let alone do any of that feeling crap stuff. Now he knows that I don't say half the amount I should, and that I always try to appear better than I am, he understands me better and knows better how to help me and what I need to do first to start getting better.

I think you should be honest with your therapist...explain the emotion and struggle you get, and the well intentions before to overcoem it but inability to seem to shift. Your therapist is not there to force the emotion out of you, it would not be possible and only places a game (very well known to myself) in therapy, where you dare the therapist to try harder, and you just resist harder. Or at least I found this a problem in the past.

Anyway, you seem to be trying really hard to think around this, which convinces me enough that you really are motivated to get better and change things. Good luck :) And if nothing else, talk to your therapist about what you have posted here.

Take care

Lisa.

[She Cat]

Awakening,

Ok, so you are taking a break... You probably need it. I think the term is Post Overload. To many threads to read, to much info, to much exposure. Take your time...

One of the best things my therapist ever did for me was to show me how to go back and console my inner child. (I have been molested, and raped too) It is hard to do, very raw, and intense. He walked me through it a couple of times, and finally I got to the point that I could do it. It was a turning point in my therapy. It was the most empowering thing I had felt in a long long time. He had me start with one of my toughest flashbacks that I still have no answer to. I had to go back and take her away from there, move her to a safer place, and then just sit with her for awhile. Not touching, not talking. Just sitting. Finally we moved forward, and eventually I was holding her, giving comfort, and promised that I would always be there to protect her. I gave praise because she had gone through so much pain and suffering for me. When it was over, the emotion was overwhelming... Yes I cried, cried like a baby. I was afraid too, afraid that i would fail her again. I have, but I have always gone back to tell her that I am still learning, and have asked for patience.

It sounds silly, yes... But it was the most empowering experience of my therapy.

You will make it on your journey. You're right too, no BS here. Just the cold hard truth.

Hang in there.

Wendy

[Awakening]

Came back to read this in preparation of my therapy appointment tomorrow.

My aim tomorrow is to express the feelings as they come up in therapy, not consciously block them or disassociate.

But I'm confused as to where to start or what to do and worried that I won't be able to do this.:wall:

I'm trying to catch my behaviour before it escalates to full scale tomorrow, and so far this is what I'm telling myself;

1. I've made it to another week (I see my therapist weekly) and really I'm okay

2. I get so happy to see my therapist :smile: who I really like, that the relief at seeing her lessens any bad feelings, and I don't tend to act until the bad feelings reach unbearable levels.

3. When I'm distracted with something i.e. a complicated work task, my feelings are at their lowest, so part of me thinks I simply need to develop a stronger mind set & stay distracted. Avoid being alone or having too much time to think.

4. About 2-3 months ago I discussed my attempted rape that occured over ten years ago. I discussed it in an emotional, detached way. Forgot some details (which I only know because I made a statement at the time that I can check against) and others refused to discuss. It didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel worse. Is talking about your trauma really the answer?

5. The feelings/emotions that came up last session with 'my child' in the 'empty chair' were related to acknowledging that she was the victim of CSA by my aunt's ex-husband. That's when I froze & refused to participate. However, I only 'remembered' this abuse for the first time when the attempted rape happened, and I dismissed it ever since. I still do not have many details or pictures or anything for me to discuss, so I have no idea what I'm going to say, so I can't prepare, so I don't have any control. God only knows what might come out & I don't want to shock myself and I don't want to tell fibs.:eek:

This is getting way too long. Hopefully someone might know what the hell I'm on about it & reply before my appointment tomorrow morning.:crazy-blu

I'm thinking maybe I should go in saying that I want to discuss my reaction to the last session and why I'm avoiding it???

Aaaaghhh my head hurts and I know I'm losing perspective.

[anthony]

Yes, you must talk about your trauma, because you need to find the answers specific too you. Can't find them unless you face your fear to begin with.

[She Cat]

Awakening,

Just keep telling yourself that you can get through this. Consoling your inner child will help you so much. Just go in there and talk about how you feel at the moment, why you feel scared, why you are anxious, why you feel what you feel.

You can do this.

Wen

[Awakening]

Sorry, I must sound like a complete moron, but expressing and/or talking about feelings (particularly) negative doesn't come naturally for me at all (this was discouraged in my childhood, and I'm learning old habits die hard).

There is a saying "if you always do what you have always done, you always get what you've always got"

Whilst I've made progress in therapy, I know I'm stagnating. I've become frustrated & regretful when I leave a session for not being emotionally honest.

I'm going to stop over-thinking everything, and go with my feelings/emotions. Instead of always reacting with my head, I'm simply going to try coming from the heart. I've never really done that before, and so why not try it & see what happens.

When I feel the fear - that will be my red flag. When I feel fear I will stop and identify that I'm afraid, rather then slipping into dissociation or repressing it. That way we can explore why I'm having that reaction.

I think a good place to start is to discuss the exercise I did last week and how that made me feel, and see what happens.

Sorry - really I'm thinking out loud here, and you lot have helped me alot. Usually I'm a concise, well spoken, clear, logical person but on this issue my brain scrambles - not sure if that's a symptom of PTSD or just me!

Will repeat mantra "I can do this"

[anthony]

You hit it on the head, go from the heart. Yes, you will get sick, don't get upset over that, just accept that its part of being honest with yourself to talk and face all your trauma fear. Once its done, you only have to do it until such time as you have found reasoning that you understand uniquely to combat it, which is what here and therapy are for, to find the answers for you individually in order for your brain to understand what is, is not your fault, where guilt should, should not lay, etc etc. Once you understand what is your rightfully to be burdened, and what isn't, you can then move on with processing your rightful burdens accurately, coming to terms with them vs. trying to no doubt process emotions which rightfully do not belong to you, instead attackers, perpetrators, etc.

Your on the right track now I believe... so now prove to yourself you can do it, and do what must be done for you to get better. It really is short term pain for long term gain. If your ill for a few months during intense, honest trauma therapy, that is nothing for you to have such a huge relief for the remainder of your life when looking at that old trauma. Then you just have to learn how to manage the present with PTSD in toe, which takes a good couple of years off nothing more than sheer experience, trial and error, once again, for you individually. You must heal existing trauma though first, MUST.

[Damiea]

I noticed something.. you said you don't have to many details to discuss and are afraid of what you might say.. that it might be a fib. If you are just starting to remember stuff then are you more worried that what you start to remember is stuff you don't want to believe happend? I would almost think it is more important to just say whatever.. and think about what you say after. not worry about if what you are remebering or saying is exactly true or not while you are dealing with whatever comes up at the same time. You have so much to deal with.. don't add more by trying to control what you say to only things you know for the exact truth.
Just a thought!

[Awakening]

Well guys, I have nothing earth shattering to report after my therapy session.

No big break down or break through. But I did what I said what I would do. Was aware of disassociating but said to my T stop, hang on I'm doing that thing, let's start this story again. My T was thrilled with this by the way, as I've never done that before.

However, I did start crying as I left my session to walk back to my office, then ended up in the toilets to fix myself up. But it was a weird third person crying. It was like 'what's this wet stuff on my cheeks', 'am I crying?' 'hey, I'm crying that's interesting'.

And right now even though I have done no work I plan on going to the pub for a drink, so I have that cavalier "whatever" feeling going on.

Another positive - my therapist said she noticed a different approach in me today. That I was talking much more about my feelings, and even said 'you seem to be coming more from your heart & less from your head'. So that's good right? Also, she observed that I'm too pre-occupied with how I should be in there, what the rules are for recovery, what I'm meant to be doing. That I'm looking for an external definition of who or how I should be rather then an internal one. Not sure exactly what she means.

So overall I think maybe small progress for me?

Still feel frustrated & crappy.

[kers]

Nice going, Awakening!

No big break down or break through.
Good therapy isn't generally dramatic like that. It's the quiet, small steps that make the big changes (they add up).

hang on I'm doing that thing, let's start this story again.
Awesome! I am still working hard on being able to catch myself and pull myself out of it. This is BIG, believe it or not--you stayed focused on exposing yourself to the trauma, not avoiding it by dissociating.

But it was a weird third person crying.
Bleh, I hate that weird "I'm not really me" feeling. But even so, it's good that you were feeling something, right?

she observed that I'm too pre-occupied with how I should be in ther
I think I know what you mean. I am always worried that I am doing counseling 'wrong,' that I'm doing something aberrant--I think it goes back to me feeling like I'm "different, abnormal," whatever, and assuming that I do stuff weird or wrong. What do you think it is for you?


You made big steps, even if it doesn't feel like it!!

[pandora]

Awakenings.it took me about 7 months of being here and 2 years of therapy to even start a diary of sorts to go through all the traumas I have experienced. No holding back, down to the details that haunt me the most and writing them out is like "removing them from our brains, where the negative thoughts and memories are stuck" i have found this writing things out more helpful than just talking as i can go back to what I wrote a kind of re-process things.
As far as talking to your therapist and freezing..........i used to do that to. Write it out and vow to give it to her during the session. I hope this little bit of advice helped. Take Care.

[She Cat]

Awakening,

You did terrific......Awesome job!!!!! This is a huge breakthrough for you, because you are finally aware of what you have been doing that has prevented you from really exposing your feelings.

Finally you are bringing down the protective wall that you have had up. Great job!!!!!

No this was no small progress.... This was huge, because now it will get easier every time you go back.

Pandora is also right about writing things down. A lot of times it's easier to do this than talking about it. It's an ice breaker, your T can read it and then the both of you can talk about what you have written, and how you feel about it. I also recommend writing a letter to your abuser(s) and say all of the things that you have ever wanted to say, call them names, let out all of your anger on paper. When done, burn it, and tell yourself that your done being tormented by them.

Whatever works......

Keep up the good work,

Wendy

[Lisa]

well done!!!! What kers, pandora and she cat said! Wow... !

[cookie]

hey. it is so hard to be "comfortable" telling a stranger your deepest feelings and problems. that will come in time, as you begin to "trust" your therapist. the hardest thing is saying something outloud that you have thought about much, but once you hear yourself say it, it is a truth you cannot deny any more. but it is the beginning of your path to healing. i have and incredibly hard time talking, but my t. is very patient, and i often take things that express my feelings (poetry) and my trauma (my diary here) in written form, then it is easier to talk about. you will have to push yourself if you are to get better, and yes, it is very stressful to go, and you will likely have difficulty after therapy. mine spends the last few mins in chit-chat to help me relax. by the way, cognitive behavorial therapy is a great thing. it teaches you how to deal with some of the symptoms while you are waiting to deal with the trauma. happy trails!
cathy

[Monarch]

Hey, haven't been on in awhile, thought i would throw in my 2 cents. It took we damn near a year to open up about my rapes to my therapist. I felt like throwing up everytime I left his office because I was holding everything in so much. With me it was a problem of going into high anxiety and suicidal thoughts, cutting all that crap after I left so I had to be totally honest and tell him about all that. It meant that we devised a plan together to combat those "after- therapy feelings". So we will stop talking about anything difficult about 15-20 minutes before the session ends and talk about how I am feeling and go through those emotions or feelings and where they are coming from and why. It has really helped to switch gears from talking intense trauma of the past and coming back to the present with how I feel about it today.

Yes, we have to talk about our trauma to heal, it sucks rotten shit but we have to do it. It hurts like hell sometimes and it makes me physically sick but when my friends acknowledge that I talk different and I look better and stand taller I realize that it is working.

I have learned so much here, about paranoia anf flashbacks, crap that I didn't even realize was happening or I was doing until I came here and acknowledging it and working on it has been so good for me. You have to take it on though, you have to stare it all down and decide to live your life now. I had to kick those suicidal ideations that i carried around for years to the curb, that was so hard but once I made up my mind that I was going to live no matter what happened or how much it hurt I did it and they haven't been back. It is all about controlling your life.

Hope this helps.

Monica

[Awakening]

You have all been incredibly generous with your comments, and I have carefully read each & every post getting something from each one. So I hope I don't come across as too harsh, but this is me being honest.

Right now I am feeling incredibly pissed off, angry & frustrated. I really do not get therapy.

I have been in therapy for 15 months, and 6 months with another therapist on unrelated stuff. I'm not blaming my therapists, I don't think it's them. I just think therapy doesn't seem to work on me. Like some people can't drive a car, I can't make therapy work for me. Yet I like going.

After my last session I went straight to the pub, came home & drank a bottle of wine. So how is therapy helpful when it provokes this reaction? I drink the most after a session, then I recover doing well without any maladaptive coping mechanisms, having a session & straight back to the dark side again.

Am I missing some big point here? I'm not sure I'm buying into this 'you have to sicker to get better' line, not after 15 months. If I went to a doctor & each time walked away sicker, I think I know what I'd do.

I don't understand how I can try everything anyone has suggested & still I'm not getting the outcome I want.

The best way I can describe it is - I feel locked up and I don't know where the key is. I've looked so hard and so long & followed everyone's suggestions & still there is no key that unlocks this. I've even resorted to breaking down the door or breaking out, again nothing.

I am imagining that once unlocked, I will get this rush of relief and whilst I will still have symptoms to manage, it will feel significant.

I'm suddenly thinking this is never going to happen. It seems hopeless, and I'm fed up with myself. Maybe this is as good as gets & seeing as I'm holding down a job, have friends & a social life & a happy marriage - really I should count my blessings.

There are nightmares, anxiety, sadness, fear, dissatisfaction, sleeplessnes & lack of motivation - but maybe I just need to accept this & work within it.

I know this sounds negative & defeatist & hey 'try harder'. I'm telling you I am trying, I don't give up but I'm starting to question this whole process. And so I become angrier with myself because I do sound so negative.

What I really want is to go into a session and be able to scream & cry and have my therapist be comforting in a safe manner i.e. say soothing words, perhaps rub my back. That's what I want. I suppose I could go in & say 'hey this is what I would like' but I cannot guarantee the screaming or tears would even come. I don't think this would be the magic bullet but I think it would go along way to my healing. Now I'm wondering if this want is even justified? Maybe even if it did happen, it wouldn't change a thing.

And - when I do talk about these traumas I don't feel better, I feel worse? So logical me says trauma=hurt then hey presto don't talk about trauma. I must be thick because I really don't get how talking it through is going to rewire my brain.

[becvan]

After my last session I went straight to the pub, came home & drank a bottle of wine. So how is therapy helpful when it provokes this reaction? I drink the most after a session, then I recover doing well without any maladaptive coping mechanisms, having a session & straight back to the dark side again.

I am imagining that once unlocked, I will get this rush of relief and whilst I will still have symptoms to manage, it will feel significant.


I just want to address these two points.

So first off, for therapy provoking that reaction. It's a crock of shit. You are making a choice to drink and choice to hide behind these unhealthy coping methods. You CAN choose to use other methods to manage yourself after therapy. You will NOT make any progress in therapy as long as you are self-medicating with alcohol. These choice are, by no means, easy to make nor easy to stick with.

Second point: We can imagine all sorts of things, doesn't mean that we are right about it though. There is no magical moment. No big she-bang. It's a lot of hard work that pays off slowly. It requires patience and determination. Only you can decide if you are willing to put in what it takes for what you want.

Now, we call all try numerous things. Some things will work for one person and not the next. I know it's hard not to get discouraged; however, with making healthy choices and plowing through.. in time you will show improvement.

Wish I could offer you more than that.. but really it is up to you what you get out of therapy by how much you put in and apply in your daily life.

bec

[Awakening]

Thanks Bec, I really do appreciate your (and everyone elses) feedback.

I'm frustrated with myself. It seems everyone else can do it but I haven't figured it out yet. Although my therapist said with trauma there is no one solution it's an individual thing.

Has anyone else been stuck in this stage? Wanting to change, but somehow despite your best intentions something stops you? Is everyone saying I should just stick with it? It really does suck. This is crap.

The thing with the drinking - and I don't know if people believe me when I say this - but I'm not AWARE of the decision to drink all of the time.

My husband said to me this morning 'you drank a whole bottle of wine last night' and honestly I denied it because I didn't think I had. Eventually I believed him but I can't really remember how that happened or what I was thinking whilst I was doing it.

If I'm CONSCIOUS of the fact I want a drink then I do apply techniques to prevent that & usually successfully.

It's like sometimes my mind is not there, I'm on auto-pilot, and I mindlessly drink without being aware of what I'm doing. I'm not trying to make excuses, just get an understanding of how I can become more mindful & aware.

[She Cat]

Awakening,

Bec was right.....The drinking is a choice. You are self medicating. Self medicating your feelings. How do you expect to get better, when you let out some of the feelings for an hour, and then rush off to suppress them with drinking. You are defeating the process of therapy yourself.

Part of the healing process is changing your life style. We use whatever coping mechanisms we can throughout our lives to deal (or not deal) with the trauma. 99% of the time that coping mechanism is NOT healthy. Examples are drinking, drugs, avoidance, unhealthy sexual encounters, suppressing sex, anger, rage, attempted suicide, and 100 other things that are not healthy.

The one thing that I learned was that I had to change me, my life, my way of dealing, my reaction, the way that I cope, basically I had to become a new me. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

Therapy isn't about going and talking to someone for an hour about how you feel about what was done to you, and then walk out, and forget it till next week.

I used to tell my T that I was drained from working to get better. It was exhausting work. It's all about change, and change is hard, it's scary, and it doesn't feel very good while your doing it, but it needs to be done.

I guess the bottom line is that healing is a choice too. You either choose to change, or not. I too had to quit drinking, and doing pot. Not easy but my life wasn't working for me anymore, so I had to change. The choice is yours, and with really hard work and determination you can do this. But in my opinion.....You need to quit drinking period. It only numbs us for awhile.

Wendy

[kers]

I'm frustrated with myself. It seems everyone else can do it but I haven't figured it out yet.

Everyone's here because they are trying to find ways to cope with trauma/PTSD. You're falling into self-defeating thoughts. Read the journals--we're all struggling to find ways to deal, just like you.

You were clear-eyed and proud about your efforts in therapy a few posts ago. What came up in this session that triggered this negative reaction?

I'm not AWARE of the decision to drink all of the time.

But you SO make the DECISION. The drinking doesn't 'do' you, you do it.

Recognizing that you are in control of all your coping mechansisms--including drinking and dissociation--is the first step in taking more control of them so they don't run your life.

Change is not instantaneous. I have been working on not using dissociation to cope for months and months and I haven't gotten very far. The key is to be working on changing the stuff that's unhealthy.

[Marlene]

Although my therapist said with trauma there is no one solution it's an individual thing.

Your therapist hit it right on the head. Since everyone's trauma is unique and individual, their recovery has to be as well.

It's tough when we live in a world of 'instant' so much. Marketing people use words in ads like 'instant', 'guaranteed', 'fast results', ect. You hear/read take this pill, drink this, read my book, enroll in my program...and everything will be wonderful. Hell, you type in 'PTSD' in a search engine and you'll get ads pop up for instant cures. Well if there's an instant cure, why should I have to go through all of the hard work and pain of doing it this way? It just doesn't work like that.

A woman named Patience H. C. Mason wrote the following words: Recovery takes persistence and patience. "Progress not perfection" is a good motto. Recovery is not a smooth swift rise out of the depths of pain or numbness. It is a rough climb with many slips and lots of hanging on at new rough places in the climb.

Just realizing that there's no one, big, grand solution to PTSD and there's a lot of hard work involved is a really good step in the right direction. It's not easy, but it is worth it. And you're worth it as well.

Lisa

[Monarch]

Awakening,

I am not out of the woods by any means, shit comes up in therapy and it hurts, makes me sick and I relapse, but my relapses are much better then they used to be and I don't hurt near as long. It does become more manageable so you can live your life as a shell, drinking to numb the pain or you can look at your traumas and work hard on them and change your life. Don't take the easy way out because it will destroy your life, trust me I know, so do alot of other people here. Also, 15 months is therapy is great but it all depends how hard you are working, time means nothing alone. Someone can spend 10 years in therapy blaming other people or looking at the wrong thing and never move forward, you have to make that choice and don't think about time.

just my suggestions.

[Awakening]

Thank you everyone, you guys are the best. I've learnt so much in such a short time.

I'm conscious of this thread getting long now, and I've gone off on a different course to the original post. Typical of my cycle in a week I guess!!!

So - in summary;

I used to drink a bottle of wine a night 5 nights out of 7, so I've definitely improved from that. Mostly if I do drink it's 2 glasses, no more. Occassionally I do relapse, but over the 15 months I've managed this much better. I also can't tell you the last time I've SI'd and that use to be a factor. I hadn't really accounted for how far I have come.

I think - I'm in the last stage of denial, yet part of me seems to be still clinging to my old ways, my old defense mechanisms. It's like a bad reflex I've developed, and I have to perserve in over-riding it, and creating a new one.

You lot have given me the kick I need. I'm feeling more hopeful.

I've realised from your posts (and I will continue to re-read them), that I've had the wrong approach to therapy.

What I've been doing is suppressing the feelings between sessions, and then trying to unleash them for one hour, and then trying to stuff them back in again. All the time thinking eventually it will explode & it will all be over and the rest will be a walk in the park. All the time thinking my therapist would find the problem, pull it out of me, and fix it.

Now I understand this is a long, individual process with no shortcuts. Which is annoying, but the truth!!! I can do it.

I'm thinking, what I need to do is - identify what helps me deal with the emotions/feelings that come up without resorting to bad coping mechanisms. So I still 'stay with my feelings' (to quote my T) but not in an obsessive way or resorting to the alternative of trying not to feel at all.

I think I might make a list of things that help. I would try - meditation for example - it on it's own doesn't fix so I give up & try journalling, then that won't work, so I give up on that and so on. But actually meditation, journalling, exercise, reading, cooking, limiting stress etc all help a little.

There's a unique recipe for me, and only I know it. Only I can do it. And there's going to be tough times, and relapses and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks everyone, hope to see you round the community !!!!

[pandora]

Now you are on a better track Awakening! Realize that there are good and bad days and you have to recognize when it is a bad day and give yourself a break. Some therapy sessions might make you feel like you are going over the edge, the next you feel..............HOPE. Then denial, than resentment. PTSD is so unpredictable IMO, you never know what each day will bring.
As for the drinking.maybe (just a thought) try to go a for days without, say the next 5 days i will not drink, not just cut down, not drink even that "only two glasses" Use it as a reward until your symptoms are better and you realize you are self-medicating, to cover............Again. just my opinion.
My therapist told me............it takes a lot longer than 1-2 or even 3 years of therapy (sooner for some longer for others) if you have 30 years or so to work at getting through or putting them into perspective and it is a lot of BS to process, basically it took this long to happen it is going to take ????????????? to fix. there is no magic cure just knowledge and an ability to change your thoughts and actions so that they are positive. Just my two cents. Take Care.
P.S. Your list is awesome..............try to do one of each every day for the next week and see how you feel.or pick one and do it for a week and see if there is a difference.