Lost in My Own World - Sexually Abused as a Child

[Pitt Bull]

This is my first post and hope that your feed back is filled with compassion and understanding. I had my first melt down in April and have been in and out of a psych hospital four times since then. I believe I have suffered with PTSD since my youth and only recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I have had a lot of issues from being sexually abused as a young man. I have a bad habit of disassociating and this has cost me jobs and recently gotten me into legal trouble. I seem to get lost into my own world and don’t care what happens to me. My wife has been strong through all of this but it has put a major strain on our marriage. I am glad to read others have had the same problems and I am going to have my wife read some of the support chats so she doesn’t feel alone in this anymore.

I have recurring nightmares and at times find myself in different parts of the house, but always wake up with the fear that someone is there to get me. The past few nights I have waken up with a knife in my hand and I’m afraid that I may hurt myself or any of my family members (wife and 4 kids). I am in counseling with a therapist who I trust and also in a group therapy for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I have seen people that no one else in the family can see and the voice in my head telling me to do things. I try not to listen but the hard part is it seems to go on forever. I hope others have had the same problems and can help with advice as to not listening to the voices.:eat-me:

I have tried to kill myself once already and what really scares me about this is that it was so peaceful that I find myself wishing that I could do it again. I find myself researching new ways of trying to kill myself. Sometimes I wonder why I live but I find my answers as I look at my kids and my wife. I want to live for them but want to die because of the pain and heart ache from the past. I wish that I could face my predators now since I am all grown up and could have a chance to fight back. The only problem is that 3 of them have since passed away and the forth I have seen only once in the past 5 years. I hope that in the after life I can face them and have them beg me for mercy and for me to stop hurting them.:die:

Sorry for rambling on about everything. I don’t think I can ever be happy again. I have been told by then doctors that I may end up in the hospital again. This scares me but if it helps I all for it. The meds I am on hopefully can continue to stable me but I want to be on a lower dose. I feel lost and confused but reading your chats has helped me feel like I am not alone and that is great. Hope to get some helpful tips from all of you.:thumbs-up

[anthony]

Hi Pitt Bull,

Welcome to the forum, and to the knowledge that your no longer alone. If you are referring to voices, as your thoughts that constantly continue within your head, then yes, I had those for three years myself. With some hard work, but most importantly, the honest truth to yourself that you are willing to get better, then what you said above about not ever being happy again, will be false, because you can learn to control PTSD, regardless the trauma that caused it.

You are in an active program designed to help teach you how to control your symptoms, which is a great start in the right direction. Whilst in that program, you will find yourself getting worse symptom wise, which is actually positive, because that means you are having to face your fears, deal with your trauma, all of which will be highly stressful, anxious and depressive at the same time. Fight through it, and the grass is greener on the other side, trust me on that.

It is never a nice thing that as a child, you also add to the statistics of childhood abuse, something I am against so much, being a parent also.

Its great you found us, and that you said hello, as that is a major stepping stone to help your recovery with support from others who are walking, or have walked, the same path your currently on. It doesn't matter what happened to us individually at this stage, as we all suffer the same symptoms and life occurences because of what we now have, PTSD!

I look forward to chatting with you more.

[Nam]

Welcome, Pit Bull. We are happy you are here.

[Farmer]

Hello Pitbull You are not alone here, lots of great info and people here.

[YoungAndAngry]

Welcome Pittbull!!!!

[Monarch]

I have a similar story to Pitt Bull, I am on medication because I tried to commit suicide about 2 months ago, I just lost it, left my office in the middle of the day downtown and tried to catch a train, and by catch I mean step out in front of it, long story short, cop saw me and helped out, guess I can be thankful for a good cop now and then. I am a busy person, wife with 2 young kids and I work fulltime as a project manager, I don't have time to deal with the ups and downs of PTSD and I thought the meds would work wonders but I still go up and down. I hate it!

[anthony]

Are yes monarch, you've discovered that medication does not cure PTSD... it only takes the edge of it a bit to allow you to educate yourself and get therapy... you had to learn for yourself, which led you here.

[purdyamos]

Hello Pitt Bull. So sorry you're absolutely in the raw. Believe me (us) if you can find the courage to get through the terrors and the dark nights of the soul, you will find relief, you will have the brighter days again. Whenever you get the killer feelings again, please get online and just browse this site. There is so much reassurance that you're not alone. We all know exactly what you're describing. And it does get better. There is so much advice and tips and information too. The more you understand the better you can deal with it. Use this site to get it out of your system, express whatever is bursting in your head. You say it's already helped a little. Keep going, welcome to the club!