I'm Feeling A Great Deal of Hope! Why?

[goingonhope]

Lately, I'm really beginning to dig this daily challenge of accepting, living and coping with my PTSD.

Why? Well, I've always Loved challenges.

When having suffered powerlessly, helplessly and feeling terribly hopeless, I can't say I much appreciated this business of living. Beyond all my many efforts, and even with having achieved much growth, I was still coming up lost, alone, bewildered and disillusioned.

Now, understanding what I have and why, and what to do with it and about it, lately feels like living in paradise. Believe me, I know this too shall pass, but nonetheless it in no way negates the hope I'm feeling.

With each struggle of effort and success at being allowed to reclaim my story, and permission to be who and what I am, I feel free'd. I feel hopeful.

With each ounce of my progress in self-esteem and confidence, I feel hopeful.

What hope there is for me in progressively facing and healing my trauma, as opposed to doubting myself, abandoning myself and mentally and emot. beating myself up, and progressively sicken'ning with untreated PTSD.

I use to daily beat myself to a pulp in many ways. And, then I'd grow angrier with people and society in general, always somehow blaming others for ripping me off.

What was indeed ripping me off and apart, was trying to go it alone. It too was, my lack of real knowledge of my condition.

The knowledge of what PTSD really is, and what I can do individually to come to terms with it and live and despite it, is to me one of the most precious gifts, I could ever wish to receive. For that I am increasingly grateful.

My PTSD symptoms are not new to me, I've survived them before and then with little to no hope. They were like living in hell on earth. I hated myself, and thought of myself as a leper. Then when I found 2.5 yrs. of therapy for PTSD (1993-96), I left each therapuetic session lost, dazed and confused and snapping out of this a few hrs. later and into tremendous emot. pain, which would last until my next hopeful session.

Somewhere in all of that I grew some and learned to adjust somewhat better within my own skin and society.

I began to get along so well with people and started liking and appreciating myself, that I began thouroughly enjoying my life, and was offered a leadership position out of state, and accepted, but then suddenly bammo', Evenings........I was hit again and again with flashbacks, insomnia, rageful anger, depression and feelings of utter helpless and hopelessness, and I was down.

Then, ............I just couldn't figure out what the missing pieces were. I had thought I had done my therapy, and so much more, healed much trauma, and was now ready to move past PTSD and alcoholism. What little I knew and understood.

Now an understanding of much lies within me, and it all, at the click of a mouse. And, the support which I've both received and given makes this all meaningful and un'freakin'believeable. I have hope, once again, and this means so very, very much to me!

Things Happening and I'm Looking Forward To Doing/Experiencing More of:
• All My Hard Work ahead of me.
• The Seeds of Compassion, for myself included, I'm occasionally allowed to feel just as I pass through my progress; For me my progress tends to look like insurmountable emot. and psych pain with PTSD symptoms galore.
• Getting Right Again in Relationship with God.
• My Entire Family Benefitting from my commitment to healing and progress.
• Continuing, "One Day, At A Time," as Honest, Sincere, and Open as I can be.
• Continuing Therapy with my Therapist weekly.
• Responsible Actions

Things That I'm Increasingly Again, doing more and more of and feeling good about:

• Learning from my mistakes in relationship with my husband.
• Joining my husb. and kids on day trips and bringing much of me to the event.
• I'm less and less afraid of my husband.
• I'm more and more interested in my health.
• I'm more and more thrilled with being a Mom.

...................and, whatever else it is I'm learning and applying is resulting in me getting to know and like myself more, accept reality as it is, and not as I'd like it to be, and simply I feel I'm allowed and able to live with far more self-esteem, self-confidence and the abilities to dream and hope again.

Hope

[Awakening]

Oh. My. God.

Just summed up my experiences.

How did you do that?:thumbs-up

Whooooooooooo!!!! I feel empowered by your post. You rock!!! :kickass:

I feel hopeful too!!! YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Just what I needed before a therapy session tomorrow.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU :biggrin:

[She Cat]

Hope,

There is life after PTSD....Isn't it grand???? So proud of what you have accomplished....

Be proud, wear that in daily life, and it will show through......Be kind to yourself, praise yourself for the work that you have done, and continue to do.....You have earned it.....

Congrats hon, a job well done.:claps:

Wen

[goingonhope]

Awakening: Surprise, surprise. Isn't it great how others can share and we sometimes can relate so well. It still pleasantly stuns me when this happens with me. Usually, my mouth drops open, I think to myself something along the lines of WTH'eck, .......is this for real? And, just for a moment I question whether or not I am dreaming.

Then, within a moment, I'm assured it's real and for me I understand it as God working through people.


(And, in many, many ways and forms and shapes; My God seems to work through others whom suffer PTSD and will still seek help and give it all they know how, as to not resign from life.

And, even people who live daily untreated PTSD, who attempt all sorts of efforts to help themselves in someway or another, but don't yet know enough to be checked for this diagnoses; I've met people personally in life like that that share, or that I observe, and that I can so understand.)


Anyhow, after I reassure myself that what I've read and/or heard is for real, And, I can relate.........It's like Wow! And, I pers. am energized, my mood has improved and I'm like dancing through much of the rest of that day, sometimes even longer, while reflecting and reminding myself:

• I am not alone!
• I am really no longer alone!
• Other's know!
• I'm not a freak!
• There is even more hope than I had dreamed!
• Others have hope, too!
• Hell' I can, and we can do this!
• I can get through, move past and grow from any and all of my unneccessary pain from my past!

Awakening, didn't mean to be long winded here and all, it's just that in attempting to thank you for your response to mine, you've awoken my hope and motivation even more deeply.

[suspecting that this hope I'm feeling is not going to go over well with some other folk. Throughout my life, I been made all to aware of countless patterns of faulty and/or negative thinking. I've even battled against others trying to impose their negative and hopeless way of thinking upon me, as if they knew what was best for me, or would suggest, that I was full of sh't, in thinking hopefully. There is always cynicism, contempt prior to investigation, petty jealousies, and on an on an on and on. And, for each one on that list is a contradictory positive way of looking at anything. -this here all just leads me into my trauma which I'll examine and discuss elsewhere]......Sorry about that!

THANK YOU so much too Awakening for even greater hope and motivation.

**

She-Cat: The beauty of me seeing once again that there is life beyond trauma and with PTSD, is that I once believed in this. Only, I duped myself into believing then that some miracle had occurred and never again would I have to experience my PTSD. I thought is was gone, as I didn't understand well, or know of the brain imbalance.

I do remember though that it was through my believing, (despite all odds against me) and my hard work and persistence that I went from the depths of my pers. hell and to working upon my pers. recovery and then a few yrs. later met my husb. and since, and through some struggles, we've built a good friendship, a continually developing loving marriage and our family and home, and I can safely and diligently continue healing and learning more improved ways of coping.

She Cat thank you so very much for this:

"Be proud, wear that in daily life, and it will show through......Be kind to yourself, praise yourself for the work that you have done, and continue to do.....You have earned it....." -She Cat

Hope

[wildfirewildone]

:thumbs-up YOU GO GIRL!!!!! :clap: Don't ask "WHY?" Just ENJOY!!!!!!.....ENJOYING THE PEACE

[Zamboni]

Thank you Hope.

Zamboni

[goingonhope]

wildfirewildone, Hey you, :smile: Thank you ! What a really nice surprise and post you've left here. Much appreciated.

Zamboni, You're welcome, and glad to have you back with us, :smile: on the forum !

Hope

[goingonhope]

I'm feeling hope because I'm learning again, growing personally, healing and gaining strength, and trusting in myself and my life's experiences. .....I'm gaining more and more self-acceptance and once again really, really beginning to like, accept, see the good in Most All, and beginning again to trust and feel safe knowing other people more.

Hope

[goingonhope]

I'm feeling hope and hopeful that some of my dreams will come true. And, I'm feeling hopeful that my many efforts and hard pers. work, both here on the forum and within my life, will all result in new found personal freedoms;

The freedom to again choose my responses vs. be dictated by fearful reactions;

The freedom to reclaim my values, convictions and life experiences...And, to Accept, Live With and Grow From All of Them;

The freedom to just be me and have this be enough.

At this point in it all, I'm feeling hopeful, among other feelings, but hopeful none-the-less.

Right about now it feels like I could use some relief from my fear and grief;

However, truly I believe that tonight, I can handle these feelings, anxieties and pain, and still feel and believe hopefully.


Hope

[goingonhope]

I continue to feel hope because I know I can work through my stuff, unresolved hurts and trauma's and all in time. And, the beauty of it all is that I am seeing and receiving numerous positive results from my perserverence, hard work and efforts.

Earlier tonight I openly spoke up, among many others and asserted myself in such a positive way, and succeeded in articulating every experienced point which I needed to.

Hope

[goingonhope]

I feel good tonight. I really do. It doesn't mean that I'm going to fall fast asleep, bc I'm not always in control of shutting down my mind for the evening,

..... (it will be the livingroom couch tonight, bc I must wake up bright and early, for tommorrow's 1st day back to school for children, and I simply cannot wake and mobilize in time if I sleep in my bed. It's far, far too comfortable for that kind of sh't!) (LOL)......

but hey, ...perhaps I can lay there and think positively tonight, as opposed to negatively, which was once the unavoidable norm for me, full of despair and terror.

I know I'll have nights, perhaps many, like this again and I can only hope my husb. and children, on the following day, will forgive me for those nights, but hey, what's the use in me fretting before it even comes about.

This is also the attitude I'm practicing holding with, and regarding my progressive loss of vision, ie. progressive ocular disease,

..............As well as, the attitude I'm really challenged to hold onto regarding me next speaking and meeting with, and confronting my mother.

Hope

[veiled]

This is an absolutely great post! Way to go! Please keep up the good work.

[goingonhope]

Veiled, How the heck are you? :kiss: ...You made me feel like a million bucks, I hope you know that. Really.

I find your response, Deeply Encouraging. And veiled, I can't thank you enough.

Only problem veiled is...........I can't give you any good reputation, because what if you end up with more good reputation than Anthony? :rofl:...:rofl:... ! (LOL) veiled, Have you ever thought of that happening? (LOL)


(My newest dilemma: To give veiled some good reputation for her great support and deep encouragement and run the risk of her exceeding Anthony's rep. Or, not to and remove myself from my integrity).......
.......really, just kiddin' and do hope you can appreciate my humor tonight. And, if not, a least forgive it and me.


Hope

THX veiled.

[veiled]

Just know that for me personally your post so eloquently puts how I have been feeling, steps I have made I see you word so well. And it is downright awesome seeing someone else go through the same thing. To see another make such great turns. You have worked so hard and put so much of yourself out. Most of the time you cannot comment as you put it all out already so nothing to add. But right now, you are making a major turn I think. Please keep being an inspiration to us all.

As far as getting too many reps, I doubt I will pass up Anthony! If I ever did I think he would be tickled as I would not have ever been able to even think out of myself and my pain for 5 minutes without him. With him guiding me I have learned how to not be a doormat, it is OK to have my own feelings, and to take time out for others. All in all to learn how to take care of me and use what I have left to help. I think you are there too. Again you are an inspiration.

[goingonhope]

To see another make such great turns. You have worked so hard and put so much of yourself out.

I'm glad you've noticed this too veiled. I've been noticing great improvements within me too, if it's o.k. to humbly say. The hard work and exposure, is worth it all to me and consistent with my values.

Thinking right now of the principle and suggestion: "To Thine Own Self Be True."

Thank you much veiled for seeing my hard efforts for what they are. Right now, words cannot express how much I appreciate reading and hearing this tonight. Perfect support.......and perfect timing.

...right now, you are making a major turn I think.

Now that you say this, I think so too velied.

With him guiding me I have learned how to not be a doormat,
:thumbs-upNow this is AWESOME ! ! !

I'm in this very process now. The process of perservering no matter what, and no matter what the resistances and obstacles which lay ahead for me.

I am not a doormat, nor do I desire my kids to be. I am growing stronger through the enorm. pains of delving deep inside me and being willing to self examine what I find, and though sometimes it's slowly, I'm continuing with persistence, will, determination and the hoped for yet unexpected and unpredictable blessings of grace.

.............and all despite what the next obstacle or need for responsible action, is and may become.

Hope

[goingonhope]

I think I'm entitled to feel hurt, frustrated, and still angry after today's unneccessary hurt...

...and once again, and now that today has passed, Hopeful and all at the same time.

Except my hope doesn't have to include EVERYTHING, that perhaps it once did.

First and foremost my hope includes healing from my traumas, continually learning, applying coping skills and managing my PTSD and one day being of service to others.

And, let me not exclude, that my hope is about not given up on my children and no matter what, sharing good values through my example, and assuring them that through whatever crap life can sometimes throw, that I love ******* & ******, and deeply.

Hope

[goingonhope]

"In every Adversity, Is a Seed to a Bigger and Better Good."

-Anonymous

**

Always, Our Pers. Choose:

We can find this seed, plant it in good soil, feed & water it, give it sunshine and/or shade, watch it grow beautifully and prune it when needed. ~Hope

[goingonhope]

Most recently my family has had one hell'a'va painful day, and I just know that there has got to be...seeds..., to a bigger and better good. I don't want to overlook them and miss out on great opportunity for change(s) and growth.

So here goes my first attempt to uncover just where and what these seeds are, and all inspired from the disorder of that most painful family experience:

• I must now trust my instinct and experience and seek counseling for my son and daughter, and depite my husb.'s prior denial, discouragement and his statement of: NO. Our children don't need counseling and that they're perfectly well.

[If this must come to an ultimatum, then so be it, they're my children as well and I can now trust myself and my insights and seek to provide counseling support for our children. -And, all without feeling pressured not to, intimidated or afraid.]

• I needn't no longer exist in any degree of denial, dishonesty (through omission) or fantasy in relationship and marriage with my husb. I can address, face and deal with facts and no longer accept his games in communications between us.

• I will not accept what I consider abusive as acceptable, bc I am told it is, and then left with the belief that I have no choose but to accept it, or else welcome more trouble and strife. (Whatever the sort, excuses made, or rationalizations for it, I will object, if or when ever the need arises).

[And My ultimatums will be given (adults & children alike), and something done about it to prevent and/or stop any form of abuse.]

• Simply bc my husb.'s outlooks, attitudes, behaviors and values have shifted over time, and I have felt pressured to conform. I can now, and I am reclaiming myself, my values and my convictions. I too will maintain my hope.

• There is avenues of help available to me as a PTSD sufferer, and I will continue to seek out and accept, as many constructive means of help as is available to my family and I.

• As long as I can, I will do every ounce of work necessary to arrest the progression of my PTSD and continue to learn of and apply both management and coping tools to my PTSD and life's condition.

..........and, I think I'll continue this later. It's as if this post, and those 'seeds' has evolved into a bit of a pers. mission statement for me tonight.

Heading now for some :sleeping: !

Hope

[goingonhope]

I'm feeling really hopeful again and despite anything or everything, bc I am taking right actions immediately following a bout of, or fall into enorm. PTSD stress, and despite how I feel;

My Action and/or Risks always pays off one way or the other, and if only in accepting No as an answer, or coming to consider and regard another's point of view.

In the last two days, I've taken numerous risks. I mean real, scary risks, and I've grown and/or survived every one of them.

Sometimes, when and if I remember, or am helped to remember, I can consider almost everyone of my fears as nothing more than the boogey-man. You know the creature or monster, that was suppose to exist under our bed, or in our closets, but that was absolutely NEVER...EVER there. That guy. He's nothing more than a figment of my overactive imagination now and resulting from past traumas.

The key for me to always remember, is that my trauma is in my past, and Not in my present. And, though, with too great of triggers or stress, I can always still suffer flashbacks, experiences of reliving traumatic events and intense negativity, if I can and do take some right actions ASAP, and minimize the stress enough to see clearly once again, I again quickly recover to a place where I can acknowledge. 'Oh yeah' it's only the boogeyman,' and not a real threat, nor going to unfold in the present as it always did in my past.

My life has changed. My world is different and though I believe I must still get it all out': my once disowned and suppressed past, as well as, any great difficulties of my present, none of this still changes anything.

And, the truth is my life is good, and I am far much better off now mental health wise, than I was nearly a yr. ago. Though it's not what I had once dreamnt of (and that being perfect and living a life of perfection). My life is truly darn' good, and when problems or conflicts arise, I'll be there and willing and able to do my part to help resolve them.

Very much Hopeful and recently have learned a great deal. Though I can't ever put all my new lessons for life and paradigm shifts into text, nor need to, I will be forever grateful for Anthony, and all of you who support this forum through helping yourselves, supporting/helping each other and putting your healing all into Action, in your families, your work and in your lives. And, yes there is pain and error and more pain and error ahead for all of us, and our families; This is life, but the rewards of this kind of pain, sweat and hardwork is Life for us PTSD sufferers, and with it comes many surprises and joys.

And, far, far, far more sweeter then resigning ourselves to complete unlifting despair.

Hope

[becvan]

And, yes there is pain and error and more pain and error ahead for all of us, and our families; This is life, but the rewards of this kind of pain, sweat and hardwork is Life for us PTSD sufferers, and with it comes many surprises and joys.

And, far, far, far more sweeter then resigning ourselves to complete unlifting despair.

Hope

I really have no words for this Hope. It's just beautiful in a way that makes the world stop for a moment. I think the greatest gift you have is your words. They are ever inspiring and give me hope when I feel my hope is lost.

Your doing so wonderful. I love reading as you take your power back and bloom!

bec

[goingonhope]

Thank you, bec ! ......:smile:......

Hope

[goingonhope]

Feeling hopeful today about my healing process, and proud of my efforts, yet still I'm looking forward to finding rest and sleep at the end of this very long day, .........already a long day ! ........with the rest of today yet to arrive.

Son tests for brown belt in Karate today. I'm Really hoping he does well !

Hope

[goingonhope]

This day has just been the balls. :biggrin: I mean really something great. I didn't even do anything special. Mostly just did what I usually choose and/or must do. :wink: But, there was what felt like an exaggerated difference in the degrees of happiness and hope I felt today and from so many other days.

I felt like I'd just found my way out of some deep, dark, painfully lonely woods, and was now delighted with this and with myself. I even thought, Wow, is this how other people without PTSD feel. I mean I was full of happiness, hope and joys, and in just in being me and in relationship to others. Wow!, was I ever able to get outside of myself today, in such a way that makes every last bit of this exhausting work worthwhile.

I was singing aloud to songs. I was laughing with my husb. and able to listen to him speak to me and in his way, and without feeling threatened. I didn't feel threatened, bc I now feel like I'm feeding, nurturing and pulling upon my spirituality that had just been so very lost to me and in my relationships and since the last time I proactively treated my progressively untreated PTSD. -(and was able and supported in doing so).

Again I just feel and deeply appreciate the self-esteem, internal strength & positive dialogue, and real feelings of happiness that I felt all throughout this day. Well perhaps only 96% of this day. :wink:

Something funny...............At least I think so, though I must admit when it was occurring, I did start to feel somewhat frustrated and a bit angry, but yet I did too completely understand. What it was is this: I had a therapy appt. early evening today and my therapist fought and struggled with herself to keep her eyes open. She was getting all foggy eyed, (LOL) and her eyes were just shutting on her beyond all her efforts.

OMG, I am cracking myself up now remembering this from earlier. I understood and just had to cut her slack and have compassion for her.

OMG,...............it was funny !

Hope

ps. I guess many of the smily emoticons are temp. disabled

Take Care,

[goingonhope]

:smile:By George, I think I have it too, and it being, just what this process takes ! :smile:

......just thinking and feeling optimistic, never said I wasn't in emot. pain and/or that I don't know the meaning of suffering trauma.

I know we all know, ...........and all to well the meaning of deep despair and continuing suffering from our trauma(s). So when I find natural relief and/or some release from it, I'm going to acknowledge it, feel good and take it from there.................

Hope

[goingonhope]

This is really, really hard work coming to terms with our trauma(s) and staying willing to confront it all, dig into it and around it, re-process it and all through new lens's and all while being responsible and accountable to our present day attitude and way of thinking.

And, though it's really hard. I'm continuing forward and through.

Hope

[goingonhope]

It is possible that for right now and on any given day, I might be ill. I might be even worn-out, exhausted, be and feel physc. wrecked and think intensely negative and all while I excavate, re-examine and clear away my experiences of trauma. So what?

This all passes. The good, the bad and the indifferent, it all passes and is replaced with the good, the bad and/or the indifferent. And, so life is ever changing. Good!

I've also found that on any given day, I think clearly, and do respond intelligently. I come further out of my shell and share and associate with others. I have chooses, can use wise discernment and overall accomplish a great deal of good and feel real damn good.

I'll take this flexibility any day over any of my previous rigidity where nothing ever, ever, ...and, I mean ever changed or passed.

This has me very, very pleased tonight, the simple reality that yes, life can change and does, feelings can pass and do, thinking styles can increasingly become more productive and will, life-syles can and do change, and more great surprises and pain are ahead. Hey, not too, too shabby, at all.

Got to say, it beats the crap out of both my complacency and aggression. Whether my aggression is directed toward myself or perhaps outward toward others, it simply has always turned up unproductive. My complacency never did any better of a job.

So this is it, decision, life, time and no rock left unturned.

Now there hasn't been much go easy for me today, but my life is not dependent upon easy. When I chose and/or went the easy route, my life was un'freakin'believably miserable, and far more miserable and seemingly permanent than anything I've yet to experience these days.

Hope

[vst]

Thank you Hope for your posts. It is a blessing to know others are having the same experiences and feelings I do. You are way ahead of me in your healing, but you have helped me keep my hope alive. For the past few weeks I have had nightmares, negative emotions and low self esteem. Your posts reminded me that the negativity will pass and I will feel the hope again. This is my cycle of life and I can deal with it.

Cheers,

vst

[goingonhope]

the negativity will pass and I will feel the hope again. This is my cycle of life and I can deal with it.
vst, yes we can deal with it!

It is going to be easier, gentler and comforting sometimes and likely damn' bleak at other times, however provided we keep facing, walking through and moving beyond whatever pers. respons.'s is before us, and with a willingness to discover and grab hold of the many positives in our life, I know for me, it has and is again all making my life worth living in the Present.

I don't have to wait to live, to hope to heal completely, and beyond what is expected and normal for me anyhow, and considering my trauma.

I get to accept it all and live now, and to the best of my daily abilities, while always remaining willing to learn and take the best pers. responsibility for myself that I can.

vst, as you've said, our negativity does and will pass, all in time and with only our continuing efforts and willingness to ask for help when we need it.

IMHO, those fruitful, promising, sometimes confusing and painful efforts, whether or not felt sometimes, or at other times, more often than not, are all part of of this business of good living.

Hang in vst, and so will I. As for your nightmares, it's very likely they will significantly diminish and even come to an end, as you progressively heal. Try not to avoid the nightmares, if it means avoiding your continued healing.

Let's take care.

Hope

[goingonhope]

I've been daily doing my best to balance my life with managing my PTSD and along with it's triggers and though nothing is perfect and there is some struggle, pain and confusion, there is also many joys and an increasingly hopeful and good life.

I wanna say that this progressive, pers. initiative, trauma exposure, and honest self-examin. process, I now believe can and does work miracles.

Hope

[vst]

Hi Hope,

You are awesome!!

My breakthrough came last Saturday night when I realized what had triggered this recent episode. Once I understand I can take action.

As I wrote in a earlier post, I want to trust, I want to love and and I want to live life to the fullest and without fear. It is going to happen!!

:occasion:

vst

[juls]

Thanks for sharing and inspiring me...

[resurrection]

Hope is what it is all about I find, picturing yourself in the future with some confidence and belief in yourself, is what keeps me going on a dailly basis. Finding this site and realising Im not the only 1 in the whole world going through this is also really helpful. THANKS. "GOINGONHOPE" you are a really inspiring , courageous person and I wish you all the very BEST.

[goingonhope]

It's really nice to read your posts. Thank you all for the very nice things you've said.

I've been facing much lately and working hard juggling a lot and I haven't felt able to post here in addition to other things, but what I know tonight is that life is hard and yet life is still darn good. I am so glad to be alive. OMG, I never thought I'd live to see 18, nevermind 40. And, I never, ever, ever dreamed I'd have a family, a home that's safe and a reason to live.

Wishing us all Well !

Thank you too,
Hope

[EmoxxKid]

Your amazing!...and You bring hope to all of us...

Keep it up!

[goingonhope]

Geneva,

Very kind of you to say, and thank you.

IMHO though, truly all of us who regain life, and/or choose the direction and path of life again after our trauma, and in spite of all that's now working overtime and against us...our PTSD, In fact, I think we are All truly, some really amazing people.

Again thank you,
Hope

[rt1967]

I hope to be able to make some kind of contribution to this group,your message has given me hope tonight thankyou

[mvd182]

Hello, Hope! I just wanted to say hello, or aloha, or hola! whichever one suits my mood! It seems all of them right now! Also i wanted to thank you for your post in my little section of this wonderful forum, so thanks! just popped in to make an appearance and now i'm off to a redbull fueled session of final fantasy XII, second time through! have a good one!

[goingonhope]

Hi rt and mvd, I never did get posted responses to each of you that I had previously hoped to.

My use of the forum has this way of causing my own grief and frustrations sometimes. I get on it and get interrupted every so many min.'s and too often, then cut paste to notepad and intend to get back to it, and not succeed in doing so. So I've yet to say Hi.

I will say mvd, I had looked up in Wikipedia what Final Fantasy XII was and now I know. I'm assuming 'a redbull fueled session is' a gaming session fueled by (Redbull) beer ? Am I right? There is that type of beer isn't there? If mistaken, then at least my lack of understanding will provide a chuckle or two. Anyhow, mvd. Hope you are making headway on your book. And, though I don't think I'll ever be writing one, who ever really knows the future. Omg, had my predictions of my future been right, I'd been 6ft under, gone a long time ago and from untreated PTSD and it's other (possible) 'pleasant' (sarcasm) manifestations.

rt, I'm sure you're making contribution to the forum already, and hope this has been spotted by you and or pointed out.

Today, I feel forever appreciative and grateful for such a gift to all us, PTSD sufferers or not, of this well-rounded, PTSD supportive and educational forum.

Thanks to All who support it in differing fashions, as much as they can and when they can do so. Without meaning to speak for anyone, I believe I can reasonably conclude and say, ,,, It's all very much appreciated by so many of us.

Hope

[veiled]

:) Hope, it is an energy drink. They have some pretty funny commercials for it. I think the beer you are thinking of is red dog.

[goingonhope]

Ya' veiled, that must be it. Redbull is an energy drink, ...never tasted it. Reddog is a beer, ...never tasted that either. I guess I just think beer, almost by default. How I wish I could enjoy a beer sometimes, and not worry. Oh' well,....in another lifetime, perhaps. Thx, though veiled for pointing this out, bc I was thinking pretty certainly, that it Must be a beer and probably bc of the key word fueled' .....beers use to work like fuel for me.

2 more key words: (use to!)

Hope

[veiled]

You are not missing anything... they both taste like crap LOL.

[pandora]

What a great thread....very inspirational. Great job hope!

[goingonhope]

ya' Veiled, I bet they do. Typical nasty tastes. Even the beers I use to enjoy the tastes of, never tasted good after once before, going an extended period of time without them. They too then tasted like crap, and were actually difficult to enjoy drinking. I had had this fond memory of them, which turned out to be nothing more than a memory, bc quite frankly they ended up tasting nasty.

Pandora, Thank you, for the compliment and the thumbs up. :smile: It is very nice of you! And, Thx.

I almost cannot believe it, but today's the anniversary of a trauma that most seriously impacted and changed me a great deal. So much that it even was a set-up or birth of more uncontrollable grief, loss and trauma to follow, and which did.

Maybe a bit premature tonight, (as I haven't retired for the night yet), but it doesn't seem to bother me. At least for sometime and today, and now so far: I can actually see it as nuetral, a part of my history and not much more than a memory. Hope it stays this way, and continues and continues, and especially through these upcoming holidays.

Hope

[goingonhope]

It's been about 4 mo.'s since I've posted here in this thread. Tonight I am most thankful for sudden, unexpected change, many peaceful feelings, strength, decision and the power to choose and motivate. I can only call it a gift, and though much hoped for, none-the-less, unexpected!

This last week and most especially these last few days I have been allowed once again to really bond with and deeply enjoy my children. It has looked like:

Backyard, bubbles, Scooters, Boulevard, Ocean, Affection, Parks, Picnic, Games, Many giggles & laughs, Playgrounds, Vanilla shakes, Onion rings, Historical sites, Ball & Frisbee; Again, all a sudden unexpected gift received. I can only hope this fun and well spent time continues throughout my children's vacation.

I do hesitate to say anything about such good times, still bc of pers. fears.

When growing up, my family around me, often..., far too often..., made hateful statements, gave disturbing looks and made belittling, sarcastic, confusing comments and then soon afterwards walked away, or they'd just look at me, while staring and saying nothing (as if through me), and I'd sometimes wonder if I were even real; These times here which I've mentioned, were all in response to good times, good feelings and/or success of any kind. So you, could say, I can still fear and feel afraid of letting others know I am feeling or doing fairly well.

My husband is not only feeling better lately, but he's being more thoughtful and showing more self-control and this is all greatly, all-around helpful.
And, I've been learning how to better stand up in the face of loved ones difficulties, and without being dragged or taken down. I'm maintaining hope despite sometime difficult realities.

Today on our way back from our day trip out, I found myself traveling some of the same streets in which directly relate themselves to a rape of me back many yrs. ago. In fact, I believe I drove right past that house and the memories returned, ...visuals, and they were unpleasant. ....All those memories, and today's feelings were those of sadness and greif, but they were clearly manageable. What it felt like was my heart being held and wrung, yet still manageable. The bit of confusion was this: I still don't understand why?

Anyhow, a few hrs. back, the arm of my eyeglasses simply snapped off, and so here I sit, ....funny.... crookedly balancing and resting my glasses on the bridge of my nose. Tommorrow's another vacation day and if I'm unable to get my eyeglases fixed, you can count on the fact I'll be out and about with crooked, broken glasses. Hope to be continuing to enjoy this vacation. One chief requirement, sleep, without it or enough of it, I can be a bear. But, I've found hope in this much lately, as I've been getting some great sleep.

Tonight I'm feeling: grateful, some sadness, some heartache, enthusiasm, hope, much peace, pleasure and joy.

[spiritofnow]

You summed up how I am feeling at the moment!

You are an inspiration!

Thank you for this.....

Spirit x

[Cindy]

We have to learn to enjoy each moment! Treasure the special ones and write them down for a rainy day.

[goingonhope]

Thanks so much spiritofnow for the compliment. It's good to hear, occassionally, that I too can be an inspiration, among other inspirations. I've been really inspired by alot of your threads. I too get some good ideas for threads, but simply do not have time to start them and/or get back to them. This of course is not a bad thing considering, but it's sometimes hard for me to accept. Just want you to know though, I also see and experience your presence here on the forum as an inspiration, ...and a great one. So thank you again.

Cindy, I really appreciate your comment too and its reminder. A simple and to the point direction. I find it very helpful, and thank you!

April vacation has passed and my children are back in school as of about 1 hr. ago. All went well and we all enjoyed it, and it wasn't until yesterday that I first felt pooped (needing rest), therefore not as motivated as I can often be.

I did get my glasses fixed too, and first thing, the very next morning. (new frames, new shape, new lens cut).

Some more of this week looked like: Walks, Children's friends over, Play, The Park, A Birthday Party, Battleship, Planting a Garden especially for my daughter, Chinese food, Pizza, and 'killer' (McDonald's-no more.) My attendence at Church. Oh' and a small farm.

Really can't complain about much of anything. Will say, I'm still dissatisfied with my addiction to smokes, but as hard as it is, I can imagine an end to this one day this yr. and hopefully sooner rather than later. As far as learning to enjoy each moment, I'm learning how to accept and bring forth the best in me in even any of my suffering. As I've started to think, why waste any time resisting any at all, and/or trying to avoid it when it's a part of everyone's life. Human pain and suffering = Normal. It's as if it can't, and perhaps shouldn't be sought, to entirely get away from, which I guess will have to be O.K.

I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but regardless of whether I'm well or not, I can generally too often feel some pain and suffering. When I really meet, know, care, and love another and others, what I find at different points in time and along with much joy and love is, I find pain and shared suffering. So I may as well embrace pain and suffering as well, ........not something I am thrilled about doing, but certainly something that is unavoidable, if I wish to continue 'living' and again know and truly care about, and love others, as I do, and can always do better.

Hope

[spiritofnow]

goingonhope,

Your comments have added to my day and I am smiling. Thank you!

Spirit x

[Cindy]

Glad it all went well. I also plan to ditch the smokes this year. We have about 8 months left to do it! I hope you have pictures from last week you can tape around your computer monitor? Or put in the visor in your car above your head to keep the moments fresh. When you are at a stop light take a moment and breath in the memory.

Cindy

[goingonhope]

Hi Cindy, I didn't get a chance to take pictures that vacation, but we did thouroughly enjoy it!

However, I did get lots of photo's throughout yesterday's, very special occassion, and copies of these photo's, I will hope to remember to tape around my computer monitor, or perhaps seeing that I can create a screen-saver slideshow of these photo's, perhaps around my visor. My only hesitation is our van quickly becomes dusty, dirty and messy and I don't like the thought of exposing such nice photo's as these to any dust, dirt or mess.

Anyhow Cindy, .....Some good ideas, and ones I'd never would of thought of on my own. In fact, I'm still missing any personal reference to and knowledge of, a lot of these types of family and children, Good ideas.

Take Care, Cindy.


Hope


---

Almost, this whole last month has had me focused upon seeing to it that yesterday was a success. ....focused, .....to the best of my unpredictable daily abilities.....(pretty funny and lol on this end, bc that can fluctuate so, but I have not recently, nor for sometime, been left feeling in, or near despair, in any bottomless pit either, as much more frequently in the past.)

Yesterday, was a howling success. A really wonderful, beautiful, happy and very special day!

My children have received many Congratulations on their success. And, I and my husband, have done our best to make this success of their's, and celebration there afterwards possible. I will be forever thankful, to family and to those, who have supported yesterday's wonderful day and blessings.

Though feeling tired and worn at this point of this day, .....and will be taking a 45 min. nap very soon, I am none-the-less very happy for my children and our family.

Also, feeling very happy, satisfied and content with my success this weekend as well. My success being, not only was I allowed (by my state of mind and phys. health) to go and confess and receive reconciliation, I too was allowed (by my state of mind and phys. health) to receive communion for the first time again, ....I think in, two yrs. this May.

Going to lose out if I don't act quick for a nap.

[goingonhope]

Feeling and doing pretty well, and soon about to switch gears here, and set out to accomplish and enjoy as much as I can in this day.

Yesterday, what a suprise in store for children and I later that day. I took them to their baseball game, and in very little time, much cold air and rapidly growing winds hit hard. And yet the coach, all the children, other teams and us adults weathered the cold and winds, and the games continued.

Needless to say, even with my bit of an afternoon nap, I was exhausted at the end of yesterday. In fact, my children were too. ...sick and tired, Yes, and rightfully so, as life went on, way past their typical bedtime.

My attempt at a resolve to how I arrived home feeling, was: (and yet still later yest. evening), A big slice of apple pie, a comedy movie with my husband, and his lap to rest my head on. Though it's unlikely he will read this here: Thank you much, Honey for your lap! And, BTW, thank you too for both your tendency toward a tough approach with me, and yet still sometimes gentle, ......and this Now greatly effective Balance and approach with me in regards to my sporadic nuero./emot./ment./health conditions. Thank you **** for now, more effectively, supporting, helping, trusting and allowing me to help myself, as well as seek help when need be.

I just now realized how simply typing "help myself' would like to effect me. Rather than overly concern myself with what I mean here, I'll simply state:

We must be willing to continually and positively help ourselves, and while remaining openminded, willing and seeking any necessarry support and help from outside ourselves, .........all while simultaneously ready to give and divvy out, kindness's, support and trust in return, when at all possible.

Need there be an 'All' or 'Nothing' thinking style/pattern present to effectively disrupt one's life? I don't think so. ...Ineffective and unncessary.

If I haven't done so already, heading toward Ramblin. (lol)

Just about time for me to do other things.


Discovering, Learning and Creating Balance, this is one of my key words, among others, to be thought about, created and integrated within my life.

[goingonhope]

Though I'm not really feeling hopeful tonight, and not so frequently do I, at the end of a long exhausting, stressful day, earlier today my husband and I thouroughly enjoyed our children's spring school concert. It was Awesome. I was perhaps as present in mind, (obviously body) as I'll ever be, but then again, who really ever knows.

The kids all did a really wonderful job, and so did their music instructor as well. A great concert!

Hope

[goingonhope]

Right action(s), despite how I may be thinking or feeling, I'll take it on, even force myself into it, any day that I possibly can.

I find my participation and right action(s) often correct my thinking and feeling, and not the other way around.

Now if I must examine or educate myself on something, (while thinking) in order to get from one point to the next, well that their is right action for me as well, why because I must do it, if I want to get from this point to that point.

But, many other actions as well qualify as the next right thing for me, and enough pers. evidence is in for me to know that it does help correct my thinking and feeling.

All around I believe it's a mostly successful day!

Hope

[goingonhope]

As long as I keep showing up for life and learning from, and responding positively and effectively to, all my success's and failures, I believe I will keep feeling a great deal of Hope.

[Hallelujah]

It's good to hear another state that "I am not a freak!", "I am not alone!" My whole life I have felt like this. I'm a woman and have finally found out "what is wrong with me" and that there are others who have the same thoughts, feelings, and struggles as I do. It's amazing. I am so relieved and happy to be able to go to this group/ website. This is empowering to me.

[goingonhope]

Hello Hallelujah, Yes.................., It is amazing isn't it! Countless, women and men with like and similar thoughts, feelings and struggles. I too feel relieved and happy to meet each new person who suffers, and perserveres anyways, despite any continued suffering and obstacles before them.

I know of no human being that has ever lived and escaped suffering and obstacles. And so, though I share a special bond with PTSD sufferers, I too sometimes share a wonderful bond with other people as well, PTSD or not.

When I can, I love to attend retreats that allow people to go into their suffering and release stored energy and frozen emotions that may, and in many cases would, otherwise block them from feeling, and that power of simply being oneself and feeling good about this, ......and when not feeling good, at least a real deep sense of self-acceptance.


Hallelujah, nice that you are here with us all; I'm glad you found this site. And, I wish you the best in your healing process, and a new, and possibly other life-time of regularly feeding your spirit. We are neither freaks, nor must we be alone. We get to count ourselves in!


I survived, and I'm now in a life-long committed process of learning, growing and healing ....and I get to live, and with accepting living, I accept suffering too.

Heck' this beats the crap out of that burning anguish and helplessness of my then endless vision, that of existing in a state of entrapment, suffering, self-abandonment and loathing.

Hope

[goingonhope]

Yesterday, and again today went really well.

In the last few days, I've been experiencing these really cool positives. It's like Wow! ,,, this feels great to live; I'm so damn' pleased that I didn't die in previous years. The trauma, my PTSD, and my alcoholism did not win, to do me in....... and, thank God! I feel so happy to be alive, and the beauty of this is these feelings are not based upon everything being well or going my way. In fact, there is a lot of realities that I accept, which I'd change if I could.

I'm not even sure how to put these positives into words. I know today when I had told my husband that I shouldn't go with him and the kids out to enjoy the boat rides, because perhaps I'd get queasy, worn-out and sick-and-all, that I believed what I was telling myself and him.

Then 10 min. after he and the kids were out the door, I made a phone call quickly to reverse my decision; I wanted badly to go along and for all of us to enjoy; This had been too many times, unlike me and for a little too long. (Not always, but to much to often).

When I can get time alone, I've tended to withdraw and isolate in my thoughts; It doesn't matter if I'm working my butt off or accomplishing much needed chores, I'm isolating and I've too often, for a few yrs. now, preferred it this way, because I've been afraid of wearing myself and/or being worn-out and reaching my edge, while in the presence of others;

---

I've been afraid also, of a list of negatives.

Examples:

• Have been afraid, my prescence along will not be appreciated and doesn't make a difference; It will not be missed.

............Wrong! In fact, my prescence along is appreciated, (when I'm not so, so damn sick, irritable and miserable, blaming my husband for not accomodating me in my desperate need.)

Then: "Can't he see how I need him to understand."
A lot lately: Me just thinking & knowing that I know just what to do to take care of myself;

Along with: Bye, bye to control and hello to surrender and acceptance.
And, Bye, bye with my bullsh't of making demands upon my husband and hello to simply Asking and accepting the No's as gracefully as the Yes's and without redoubling my efforts to get my way.

My presence can and does make a big positive difference and I missed by both my husband and kids, when I don't come along!


• Have been afraid, that I am being selfish and bad if I seek or share in any enjoyment.

............Wrong! In fact, I'm more likely being selfish and bad when I exclude myself, do not allow myself permissions to enjoy life, position myself as a martyr, overwork and/or treat my all-around health neglectfully or poorly; I will not live to be there for my husband and kids for as long as I could otherwise, if I am to keep those crippling patterns up. And, in relation to my eye condition and its primary condition, perhaps I'd live but the quality of life highly restricted.

I deserve to breath, to take up space, to enjoy life along with others too. I am alive and welcomed to enjoy a good life, as much and now more, as I've been welcomed to enjoy a miserable one.


• Have been afraid, that I must do everything just right and create perfect control over my husband's influence, as I've been afraid of his influence in certain things.

............Wrong! In fact, I've helped too, in creating more tensions and conflicts for our family then ever would have been created, if I had been honest in my admissions that I am not in control of people, places and things, nor never have been; I've had it all backwards.......while trying to control people, places and things and expecting others to take charge and control of me.

I am allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect. Just as I have often allowed others to make mistakes without being overly critical, or judgemental at all, I too can afford my closest loved ones the same.


• Have been afraid, of raging.

............No more reason to be afraid of this, so long as I'm willing to do certain things and maintain a certain attitude! In fact, so much of any raging has resulted from me setting unreasonably high expectations upon myself and requiring that I live up to these; So much of any raging has resulted from me thinking selfishly and wanting more and more of one thing or the other and not being grateful for what I do have; So much of any raging results from me demanding that my husband understand me and not giving two-sh'ts as to whether I understand him or not (when symptomatic with PTSD). And, so much of my raging results from my lack of honesty with self and self-discipline, and/or pride-run-riot and then consequential poor, failing health.

When I pull together all aspects of what I am learning about healing the past and managing my PTSD, and then I draw upon this and put it into action, ...(add in life's lessons)... I simply do not rage, and have little irrational, to nothing at all to fear.

Sh't I am awfully tired now at this hour.

---

After me considering my husband and our kids, and getting honest with myself about all of my excuse initially being mine and it chiefly being motivated by my fears, I then did reverse my decision to go along and enjoy and just in minutes time. The result of this was both wonderful and astounding and gee' what another great day.

Last night I was part of a different community event, and earlier yesterday amusement rides, omg, ....and today a wonderful time.

And, the highlights of it all was with well-being and some happiness within myself, peacefulness and prescence, I was able, willing and desiring to share me with my family, once again ............and so I did.

What a bunch of great gifts, .............that perserverence, acceptance of things beyond my control, my daily management of PTSD and life has in store.

And, I'm going to fall face first again, and I know this, but damn' I'm not going to focus on the negative while denying and overlooking the many positives that working on and personally healing from trauma(s) has in store.


Hope

[hodge]

And, I'm going to fall face first again, and I know this, but damn' I'm not going to focus on the negative while denying and overlooking the many positives that working on and personally healing from trauma(s) has in store.


Hope

Hope, I've always found this thread to be helpful and inspiring, but what I quoted above really got to me. I am going to work on that attitude.

Thanks,

Hodge

[goingonhope]

Hello Hodge and thanks for posting to my thread. It was nice conversing with you about each other's cats, a tid-bit earlier today. I mean what with them all scholars and all. (smiles) :smile:Thanks! Hodge, hope all is well with you tonight.

Hope