There are No Answers!

[Zamboni]

Are we products of our enviroments? Genetically linked through DNA? What does God see or does he/she care? The answer is yes to all. Why is there suffering and joy? Is it like Job in the Bible, where he tries to get council for his grief, only for God to say,"Hay Job? Where were you when I laid the foundation to the earth?" And," who are you to question me?"

I was born and given up for adoption. Did she want me? Was she thinking of me? Is sex just for procreation or is love involved? Was it just sex for the pleasure? Does my biological father think of me? As a father i always think of my children. Why did this happen. Am I glad that I was allowed to live as a fetus? Yes. Would I rather be aborted? I am so thankful that I am alive.
Why did my adopted parents pick me. I was one of many only to be picked by a family filled with violence and pain. Yet I am thankful to be placed in a family that my mother still doesn't want me. Strange situation.

I am not ready to look at the emotional side of me. Yet I need to. I don't want to look at what has happened and see how I have affected my children. I do not want to make the same mistakes as my parents, but i have through a divorce. I believe that I am a forgotten generation, only to help prevent this type of pain in my children. Hopefully teaching and being there for them. I have so much anger and pain that I want to get ride of. I want to understand and help others. I don't want to be forgotten.

I want someone to love me and want to be with me regardless of my stuff. I want to love someone regardless of their stuff. I want my kids to forgive me. I just can't seem to get my legs under me, I just seem to run, but I am so tired. It is my hope that I can understand and realize there may be no answers, only hope to take me to and understanding or accept things. Maybe through writing, and faith and working through this will help.

Later.

[Zamboni]

I was beaten by my mother from the earliest I that I can remember. I was young, two or three and I remember. As clear as I was there. It was on easter. I reached for an easter egg and my sister beat me to it. I complained and then bang. I ran as fast as I could but I could not get away. She kept hitting me and kicking and I fell. She did it around the house and I ran to my dad up the stairs. He came out and I climbed to him. He pushed her down the stairs and she landed in the open clothes closet with my sisters holding her head. I hung onto my dad's leg. Looking at her laying on the floor. I hate it. Every house was like that, and it kept getting worse. And I would feel so bad that I got her mad. And then I remember, everyone sitting at the table,saying nothing. And I thought that it was all ok again. I hate easter. I hate my mum and dad for doing it. I hate that no one would protect me.
I tried to protect my brother. But I couldn't. And I hid when she came. I hid. And she just kept hitting with that belt and the cutting board. I jumped in once to protect my brother, and I never saw the hit coming. So I learned to turn off my mind. No thoughts, no pain. Just to stare off and take it.
I kept trying to please her and make her proud of me. But I just learned to shut my mind off. But my mind has opened and I can't stop it. Why has my mind opened up. To heal? I would rather it stay closed. I am overwelmed, numb. I hate it. I feel outside my body again looking in. I am not crazy. I will beat his.

[She Cat]

Zam,

You're doing great......Sometimes there are no answers....You're so right....Just questions, after questions. For now anyway. There may come a time later on in your healing, that you really do accept that there are no answers, and be at peace with it.....and yourself.

Keep coming back.....Keep pouring out your soul....

Many hugs kiddo....

Wen

[Marilyn_S]

Zam,

You are doing good in writing it out and getting it out in the open. I can see and feel that little boy that was you. I can feel it in what you write. Keep writing because the more you feel and the harder it gets the closer you are to healing. I know that sounds weird, but I really believe it. Just make sure and take gentle care of yourself the best you can. I know how hard a divorce can be too. Its kind of like when you take two pieces of paper and glue them together and let the glue dry then try to separate the two pieces of paper. They both get torn to smitherines. That's what a divorce is, IMHO. Keep writing. Regards, Marilyn S.

[Zamboni]

I hated the night. I would not want to go to bed or sleep. I didn't know what to expect. I would sleep with my clothes on. And I would listen and hear my heart and breathing, but I would lay still, especially, when she stood by the door. I hated it. I got so scared.
I would lock the bathroom door. Or put something in front so I would hear it open. I still take fast showers!
I could tell when things were going to happen, because things were so nice and she would want to talk and give me hugs. I knew. So I would play outside til I could fall asleep. I 'd hide in the my fort in the forest and sneak in the house. But she knew. I would throw up out side and pace being so scared to go home. I got so scared. I was just a kid.
I would hear noises and I would listen. They woke me up. One night I heard bam, bam, bam. And I thought, shes cutting up my dog. I couldn't hear barks anymore. Why would she kill my dog and yes she would do it. She already attempted suicide in front on me, twice. She would kill my dog. So I got up and walked against the wall down the stairs; she could hear my heartbeat.

[Zamboni]

I find my self drawn back to this place and I know after reading everyone is welcome. I don't know where to start as this is really the first time that I have open this far.

I am adopted into a family that had parents who ended up in three other marriages. My Dad was a paster who left when I was 10. My mother was a bit different. He pushed her down some stairs to protect me.

If you were to look up the different types of abuse: physical, mental and emotional, I experienced them all: beatings, fire, sexual stuff, and the emotional. It isn't genetics, thank god, but I don't know much as I was adopted. If anyone has seen the movie " Antwone Fisher," ouch. But it was the environment that caused a lot of my grief. I always said I would try harder and not make a mistake after an encounter. I would say I'm sorry.

I left when I was 18. went to another country. I was on my own and soon started to exibit signs and symptoms of PTSD. My only savior was a sport in university. I struggled through my classes since I couldn't concentrate. But I made it.

I became a medic. Thought I could help others, I did, but I started to get dreams. I became overwelmed. I went to my wife and that didn't work. We had three great kids. I spent 4 days a week with them due to my work schedule. How cool is that for a dad. I loved it.

I was married for 11 years and then it ended. I did think I was crazy. We went to 6 marrage professionals. I kept saying that I had something inside me that wasn't right. And then when my wife was addressed, as to work on some things, we were off to another. I finally hit the bottom emotionally. I went to find help, (As it was my fault, I said I was sorry, I'd work harder).

I had PTSD. My wife took the PTSD diagnoses and put it in the divorce papers. I was destroyed. I don't know how I made it. I kept my job, and continued. I got pulled over for a DUI. I wanted to quit. I kept going for my children. I was awarded 50 % child arrangement. But I have them almost 80% of the time. She just keeps it over my head, just enough to manipulate. But I HAVE my children.

I stay to my self. I coach soccer, ( my kids) three teams, and i stay involved with my children. I am going to work towards another degree.

I have hit the bottom again. I came from no where. I finally went for some medications and I am so dizzy and don't really care. But I will not quit. I need some help.

I asked my sister why Mom was so hard on me. She said,"yes she was, she beat you, and you just took it." Well, needless to say, I cracked, again.

Thank you. night

[She Cat]

Zam,

You say that you have hit the bottom. Well that's actually pretty good, because now the only way out is UP!!! Now is when you really have to fight for you. You're here, you're in therapy, and you're talking...All good things.....

Your post is not entirely negative either. I find some really good positive things in it.

You are a good dad. This shows that you are supportive, loving, caring.....

You coach your kids soccer team. You are not totally isolating yourself.

You want to work at getting another degree. You have goals.

You have your kids... They are probably the glue that keeps your world together, and you are loving every bit of them....Good job.....

Just remember to have some time for you....You are doing great.


By the way.....You were a kid when your mother beat you.....Kids are powerless over their abusers.....

Wen

[Zamboni]

Thank you Wen

[Zamboni]

I walked down the stairs. Hugging the wall. I had to look. I had to find out if my dog was there. It was.

I don't know why these things happened. My therapist says i sound disapointed with my life. HELL YES I DO. The preacher on Sunday says God has a plan for everyone. I don't think so. Things just happen. For the good person and the bad. I used to think that if I was good, things would be better. I don't think so anymore. If I was good why would these things have happen. It doesn't matter. We are just placed and the dice is rolled. We make choices and the rest is out of our hands.

I am so mad.

[Zamboni]

Why did all of the sex stuff happen too. I didn't make the choice. I didn't ask for it. And it screws up my head. I want to be normal. I don't want this in my mind anymore. I don't want anyone to make a choice for me again. NEVER.

[Zamboni]

Ok. So I or the therapist hit a trigger today. I or we don't know what it was some emotion, fear or guilt. Anger. The medication has made me a bit more stable. I can even laugh with my kids. I can think. Focus.
But the trigger. I just went blank.... my mind shut off and I was in that space of "nothingness." And I am SO tired. It takes me about a day to recoup. It happened so fast. My last postings have seemed rather negitive. But thats how I am feeling.

[Grama-Herc]

Zam

I have been part of this forum since February and am only just now figuring out that there are no answers. I normally keep my religious beliefs to myself but I feel a need to share with you how I feel. When the bad stuff happens and you think, How could a loving god allow this to happen, keep this in mind. How would we be able to appreciate the good times if we had nothing to compare them to. I went through a lot of junk to get to this place I'm at now. We all have

Sorry, didn't mean to get on my soap box. Any time you feel like venting, let me know. But please believe it IS all for a reason and it Will be worth the pain



h you my feelings.

[Zamboni]

Thank you for you feedback. I didn't think you were on your soapbox.

Have a nice night.

Zam