Diary of Mayhem

[Mayhem]

I hope this is the right place....

this is what I have been able to figure and find out over the last 15 years

Standing with My back to the wall this is what I see. I am in a room 4 feet wide by 6 foot long, there is a small hole in the floor in the middle of the room, I think I am to use the bathroom in this hole. The floor is concrete. The walls are cinder blocks unpainted. The door across from Me has no knob on the inside, but is painted and ugly pale green. I moved along the left wall, laying down with My head to the door, facing the wall, I am wearing just a white pair of boxers.

Two Men take Me left out of My room/cell down a hall way. lights are spaced evenly We turn right. There is a chair. I sit in the chair, to My right is a simple wooden table.

stops for now and will edit when time permits)

[Mayhem]

The Hallway

Two Men I dont see their faces, I never see their faces, take Me left out of My room/cell, We turn left and walk down a hall way. The lights are spaced evenly. The walls are two tones of green, a very pale green on top and a darker green on the bottom We turn right. The hall way reminds Me of a self storage, doors with knobs, they all look the same.

[Mayhem]

The Chair

My escorts and I turn right. before Us is a small simple table, a Man stands behind the table on the other side looking down, on the table looks like it's a map, some types of docments, passports maybe? I cant tell.

I face to My left and am made to sit in a chair. I cant tell if My hands are tied behind My back, or even if My legs are. On the ground before Me is a black metal box, on the front of the box, in the middle, is a dial, just above that is a gage. Two black cords come from somewhere behind the box. I get the feeling and the sence they are attached. I can see the ends of the cords, metal wires are exposed. On the ground to the left of the metal box is a bucket, I cant see whats in there. To the right of the metal box, an open door,to another room, no lights are on in that room, the room is pitch black except for the light that enters from the area that we are in.

At this point, My day dream/nightmare ends.
I havent figured out how I got captured, or even how I got out. But for some reason My mind is stuck in those places. The Room, The Hallway and The Chair.

[Mayhem]

Servering in the Marines...

I know what it's like to stab a Man...
I know what it's like to feel His blood run down My hand...
Time seems to stand still.
I can see every pore on His face.
I can almost count every eyelash.
I can smell His breath.
I can see the light in His eyes go out as He dies.

They train Us to kill, but they dont train Us about the dreams or night mares that We will have for years to come afterwords.

His face haunts My dreams.

[goingonhope]

I hope this is the right place....
Mayhem, Yes, this is one of a couple available right places to write about your trauma, thoughts, feelings ect. All and everything you feel comfortable getting out, sharing and reviewing.

This is the trauma public, (where everyone can read) and then there is the trauma memb. where only regist. memb. of the forum can read, and later when or if you become interested there is also a PTSD group diary section/forum. And, there only memb.'s of the PTSD group can read and/or comment.

Though, I have yet to welcome you to the forum. Here's my Welcome Aboard.

I did read from your intro. post and though just 3 days ago, you didn't know what to say or where to say it, you've found the diary section and you're already off to a great start. Keep it all up if you wish, you're doing great.

Again, just wanted to say, Welcome !

Hope

[Mayhem]

I dont know how to make My Diary private, or even if I want to make it private. By making it public I hope and pray that when someone reads this they understand not only what I went though but they understand what others that are currently serving are going though or will go though.


I have kept inside this long enough, I have held My emotions in check for way to long. I have been hurting those close to Me, by lashing at at them, without understanding why. I cant get those thoughts out of My head, all I hope to do is learn how to better cope with My emotions.

[Mayhem]

Recently I have been talking to My spouse and Our room mate about what is going on.

The more I think about what I went though, the more My emotions come to the surface, mostly sorrow and regret.

I told My room mate, about My time in the service and My time during Desert Storm, now she has a better understanding of why I am the way I am. I cried as I told her. I said that "you probably think that I am crazy." she chuckled and said, "I already knew you were, but now I know why." When she said that, I wasnt mad at her. I cant and wont be mad at someone for "understanding"

[Mayhem]

We were out on patrol, making sure that the area was secure.

We came upon a truck, the driver was sitting up looking straight ahead. With Our weapons drawn We approached, We called to Him to exit the vechical when He didnt respond, I was picked to go over to Him. I climbed up on the step to get the drivers attention as He wasnt moving. Once I was standing on the step, I noticed that He looked fake, His flesh looked like a wax figure that you see in a museum. Further checking the driver over, I found that the back of His head was blown away, and maggots were wiggling around in His brain. Fragments of His brain, and skull were on the wall of the cab behind Him.

The thing that sticks out most to Me is the way that He looked, He looked fake.

[Marilyn_S]

Hello Mayhem,

You are doing a great job writing out the trauma you experienced. I have an acquaintence of mine whom I went to college with who has been deployed in the current war two times. I remember him before the war, a young sturdy built Kansas man. He had a sparkle of pride in his eyes and a desire to serve his nation. When he came back the first time the fire in his eyes was gone and he spoke of the war as hell on earth where you are either bored to death and smothering, or scared for your life or the life of others. He told many stories that quickly revealed why the sparkle had gone from his eyes. I just want to say, all Marines are American Heros!!!!!!!!! My son plays with GI Joes, and when he does I always take the opportunity to tell him about the men in our US Armed Forces. I am sorry that you have had to experience and endure such horrible trauma. My step dad is a Vietnam Vet. He talks to me alot about his experiences. Though my situation is different I do know what its like to fear for my life and I do empathize with you. Keep up the good work and take care. Marilyn S.

[Mayhem]

Marilyn S.
*smiles* thank you so much for your kind and caring words.

[anthony]

Mayhem, what do you perceive as you outmost worst trauma? This is not what you may have nightmares mostly, but what memory do you perceive as the absolute worst memory, the most traumatic memory you contain?

[Mayhem]

anthony ,

you have a PM....and you will understand why I dont speak of that even here

[Mayhem]

lets see.....the facts

fact: people that take some type of mind altering drug end up.

Drowning their kids in the tub
Drowning their kids in the car and say someone else did it (( Susan Smith))
Chopping of their kids arms
Go on a shooting rampage (( Columbine))

wow that sounds fun sign Me the "F" up and yeah while I am taking these pills....
we can get a gun for You Doc, we'll make it fun We can get a revolver, drop a single bullet in a cylinder , spin that "F"er them slam it the "F" shut. Each time I take a pill, then you spin it, place it at your temple and pull the F'n trigger.

what???? you say thats crazy to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger......well NO screaming eagle shit, now you know how I feel about taking those F'n pills

Your so F'n ready to put My mind at risk, but to have yours splatered all over the F'N wall ...."ohhhhhhhhhh NO thats just crazy"

Well Doc until You either gets a set of nuts or a set of ovaries, taking Pills for Me is NOT and option.

[anthony]

You seem a little angry over medication mayhem, why is that? Not sure I quite got the message of what you feel surrounding medications to the anger in the above statement. To much anger to even find a feeling. What do you feel regarding this matter. Anger doesn't do a thing towards helping you.

[Mayhem]

You seem a little angry over medication mayhem, why is that? Not sure I quite got the message of what you feel surrounding medications to the anger in the above statement. To much anger to even find a feeling. What do you feel regarding this matter. Anger doesn't do a thing towards helping you.

* in a very calm voice I say *
anthony,

I have read the paper, watched the news on TV, and read news reports over the internet. I have seen countless times the stories that I wrote of before, where this person or that one was on type of "medication" to help them with their "problems" only the "freak out " and go on a killing spree.

I love My family wayyyyyyyy to much to "willing" take something that "may" ( all signs point that way) OR "may not" make Me "freak out".

And yes, anthony I am very anger that someone would say " hey take these pills they'll help you." Take a pill for this take a pill for that, take a pill to get to sleep, take a pill to help you wake up, take this pill if you have trouble doing this...pills pills pills ......*growls*

Thats like Me saying "heres a gun with one bullet, it "may" blow your brains out then again it "may not"


Enough with doping people up........I did enough drugs back in the late '70's and earily '80's to last Me a life time

[anthony]

Sorry mate, more sarcasm than anything. I actually agree with you regarding medications, I know I was certainly worse on them than without them. They made me want to die, they made me no longer be in control of my body and I had all sorts of issues from side effects of them. I got sick of being an experimental dummy for the pharmaceutical corporations.

I am actually quite glad you aren't on them, because it means your actually more likely to be more in tune with yourself, so to speak. Medications typically block certain censors within our brain which is how they work. Blocking those censors also blocks other aspects in which we need to heal trauma. Theoretically speaking, you should be actually easier to talk with regarding your trauma because you aren't doped up on the shit. Well done to you mayhem.

Heal trauma, the symptoms disappear. Learn how to manage PTSD and then the core root of PTSD can be controlled, the anxiety levels.

[Mayhem]

just like the Title says

I am mad, angry, pissed off, bent out of shape, what ever you wanna call it.

I dont know IF or when I'll be back.

[Mayhem]

I cant stay mad, so I am back

[nie]

I am glad you are back :hello:

[Mayhem]

well Mayhem it's been a long time since you posted up here, take some time, get your thoughts together then begin to write.

[Mayhem]

WOW what a great month I was asked if I would take My room mates daughter to something call the "Freakers Ball" I at first didnt think it would be a good idea because I dont like large crowds or new places but then I thoiught what the hell I'll wear a custom and no one will know that it's Me. Best custom wins a 1000 in cash. Seven bands rocked the night then afterwards they had "Hell in the Sky" fire works show.
I got dressed up and wow I had a blast. People were asking if they could take Our pictures, of course we said yes. People asked Me how or where I got the mask when I told them I made it in My garage they gave Me pats on the back and said that it was awesome.

My mask is form fittting which after wearing it a long time it gets hot and makes My head hurt.

I noted then when I wore the mask I was fun loving, joval, laughing and joking as well as rocking out. But when I took it off to cool My head down I would begin to get an anxity attack. I would put the mask back on and I was ready to rock more, to bad Halloween only comes once a year.

I cant wait til next Halloween

[Mayhem]

It wasnt to bad I had some family and friends over. We ate like horses, then at more. God I love to eat good food good family, good friends, I am truly thankful.

[Mayhem]

on the 18th of Dec My wife and child flew out to Cali to spend both X-mas and new years out there. I am cool with that cause My daughter is the youngest and she should see her grand parents before they kick off.

A few days before they took off We found out that My wifes mom wasnt in the best of health and was going to have to start dialisus.

My sister was going to be comming out to visit so I would have family with Me but she got sick and couldnt make it. what a downer. I muddled along did some stuff that I dont recall, I ate somewhere. it wasnt the same without My family but I still tried to make the best of it.

[Mayhem]

I was at work when the new year turned. ok I know some people do have to work, so once more I went though the motions of being happy about a new year.

[Mayhem]

about a week after new years I got fired. you see I cant live in a 600 a month apt so I had to move. I had it all set up that on Sat Myself and some friends would get My stuff and put it in storage. Wrong work had other ideas they wanted Me to work on that day so I told My boss " since I have this stuff planned and you want Me to work, is management going to come over on Sunday and help Me move?" to which His reply was " We dont owe you a darn thing, so no" I then said " Fine I'll just take monday off and do it" of course they didnt like the sound of that and told Me " If your not here on Sat or monday your fired." I said "ok I'll be here on both days" I was then sent back to work. about 10 or 20 minutes later I was told that I was fired. WHEW I didnt have to deal with those fools any more yeahhhhhhhhhhh!!!:clap:

[Mayhem]

I got fired so I got a letter from My doctor saying that I was unhireable I was heading over to the VVA ( they help Me write My letter to the VA for My PTSD) and I rear ended another car. I paid 800 for My van the book says it's only worth 750 so I figure that it's totaled. on the 25 of FEB I go before a judge on this accident.

so No wife and child , no job, no van to drive . the best thing right now is that I am alive and for that I am thankful.

[anthony]

so No wife and child , no job, no van to drive . the best thing right now is that I am alive and for that I am thankful.
Thats it mate.... we can lose a lot, but if we are alive then there is hope to change, hope to move in a different direction, hope to become the person we may believe we lost once before trauma.... or the person we believe we want to be.