Do You Have a Critical Person Inside Your Head?

[Lisa]

I have a critical person inside my head. She's been dubbed "The B!tch" and I have only recently realised that I have this part of me in this way. 'The B!tch" is not always there, but whenever I am dealing with something difficult this self-hating/over-protective B!tch enters without fail. I am then faced with criticism and am confused with thoughts like "you are over reacting" or "it's no big deal" and then "no one would believe you anyway", or "you can trust no one"- particularly in therapy. I have noticed this 'person' inside my head often contradicts herself just to get me to comply. It is like I am held back by this total mistrust and not daring to 'go there'. If I ignore it, I am then left dealing with a tirade of mental self-abuse. "The B!tch" doesn't like me to do anything different, and stops me from talking (even thinking sometimes) about things that I know I need to talk or think about. The real self-hater in me.

I dunno this probably all sounds totally weird and is a stupid poll (there she goes...)! Just wondering if anyone notices that they a) have this mistrusting self blaming thing inside their head every time they try to deal with trauma, and b) if anybody like me sees it almost as 'another' person that comes in just to stop me from doing what i need to do to get better?

[nor]

Oh my Lisa! You could have been writing about what goes on in my head constantly. I used to tell my doctor that there are two sides of me. The emotional side - weak. And the unfeeling side - strong. I was on medication last year (mood stabilizer lamictal for bipolar II-which now is looking to me like ptsd)that allowed my emotional side to become stronger. I took myself off of it. My unfeeling side wasn't going to let that happen. She doesn't show any emotion. I have been dominated by the unfeeling side ever since. She is my protector.

I know that I should be sharing different aspects about my abusive childhood, but "she" tells me that I deserved it. So, my therapy sessions go in circles sometimes.

You are definitely not alone. I almost felt like I had a split personality-but talked myself right out of that because I know when they are fighting against eachother. Actually the emotional side doesn't fight, she just takes it from the unfeeling side, and gives in.

I wanted to take the poll, but it isn't allowing me. So I am verbally saying "yes".

nor

[batgirl]

I voted yes, however I wished there was a middle option to vote "sometimes", because lately I am having longer periods without this critical individual inside of me. But I definitely can relate too Lisa!

[Lisa]

ah sorry I didnt think of a sometimes option - maybe one of the editors or anthony can stick it in? I dont know if i can....

But thanks for the replies guys, nice to know Im not alone

Cheers.

[batgirl]

One of the editors can, I had someone (I think Anthony) fix a poll for me once. You could PM one of them and ask them to do it, in case they don't read this.

[Awakening]

God, yes. My therapist has nicknamed mine "Sergeant Major". SM is unrelenting in it's criticism. It sounds like SM & B!tch would get along very well indeed!

Basically nothing I do is good enough, I'm an attention seeker, overly dramatic, lazy, ungrateful, failure.

Also don't trust anyone, no one believes you etc. It doesn't like my therapist. I think it's intent on isolating me and preventing me from getting help or doing the work I need to do.

But as Batgirl said, I would now say 'sometimes' as I've worked to reduce its hold on me.

[Lisa]

Awakening... SM and B!tch certainly do get on by the sounds of it. My therapist asked me if I reason with her.... I blinked at him and said "have you ever tried reasoning with an unreasonable b!tch?" lol. I saw his point though, and he saw mine.

I'm very glad you both would say sometimes (that option is coming). I'm working on that.

[Marlene]

I used to have this nasty, cruel creature that lived in my head and criticized and critiqued everything I did or said. It sounded a lot like my father. But since I've been healing, this voice only pops up occasionally at times of high stress.

It's been so nice to be able to shut that voice up!!!!!

BTW-voted sometimes. Thanks for the addition, Lisa

Lisa

[kers]

Great poll, Lisa.

I definitely have a self-critical, hateful voice in my head. I always thought it was a part of me, but my counselor has been suggesting that I call it my abuser's voice (I still hear all the stuff that he used to say to hurt me). I guess so I can say that my voice is different, that the self-hating part of me was implanted by him and I don't have to keep it. Sometimes it feels like my whole family is in there, like a Greek Chorus in a tragedy! I am getting better at noticing when the voice switches on and I can even sometimes argue back with it.

[hodge]

Yep, I was just writing about this in my diary today. I'm working on talking back to it and realizing it comes from my abusers, too.

[becvan]

I voted yes. I'm working on replacing negative with positive.. but damn is it hard to make that voice just shut it! I will win though.. just a matter of time and hard work!

bec

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I had that voice in my head every day all day long. But I started reading "The Power Of Now" I've been able to stop that voice when she starts in on me. I step back and let her talk. I'm starting to laugh at her now. That book is amazing, and I highly reccomend it.

Tammy

[just tina]

I have an Inner A**hole. I suspect it tries to undermine me. Always wondering if I just made a mistake or if this sinister part of me is punishing me and trying to make a fool of me. Am beginning to think it's just PTSD. But the IA berates me relentlessly for mistakes that are so typical, I don't understand why it hasn't gotten bored with the scoldings.

[Grama-Herc]

I voted "Yes" I call mine "my little voice" Kind of like a little "thing" sitting on my shoulder and whispering shit in my ear. My little voice tells me the same shit my dad use to tell me. The biggest thing is how stupid I am. That is the one that gets to me every time. My little voice is a very cruel, insensitive, abusive creature that torments me constantly.

[upstream]

My little voice is a very cruel, insensitive, abusive creature that torments me constantly.

I used to have something like that... My dad used to tell me that I was way too hard on myself. Lately that voice has been more supportive, which is a needed change.

[baileysemt]

Yes, all the time... but she is not separate from me, nor does she have a name? She is me? A part of me, anyway.

And she is second-guessing me all the time, painting dismal outcomes and passing judgment on everything. Making things out to be much worse than they are, painting myself and others in the worst light.

And she never shuts up. Ugh!!!

Even though she is usually wrong, I believe her before I believe any rational, positive thought process. I even believe her more than I believe what my family says. She has to be disproven by reality, I can't just look at her claims and dismiss them. I have to see the disproof. Even though she has been proven wrong a zillion times, I still believe that she's the most accurate thing goin' on.

Everything I think, everything I do, everything I consider, everything I want, everything I feel......... she's always there, second-guessing, questioning, judging, propagating fear, judging, poking, sneering, criticizing.

The worse my PTSD and depression are, the louder and more believable she is.

Bailey

[She Cat]

I voted sometimes. It depends on my mood and symptoms. Usually I just get pissed at myself and tell me to shut my pie hole.......

[TDurden1937]

I have a very unpleasant chap, dressed in old dark leather, hooded, wearing a short leather battle skirt like the Roman legions wore, bare chest with just a leather strap running cross from right shoulder to the belt on the left.
He uses a cat'o nine tails, or a whip on me.

Laggard, lazy bloody bastard, good for nothing . . .. whack goes the cat. Twenty lashes for you . . . no good slothful scum. Twenty more 'cause you can't take a little pain. You're a whining little devil aren't ya.

Twenty more for whining . . .

[sweetface]

Not unless triggered. I'm only triggered if I'm abandoned and the person who left promised me he wouldn't. Then he's a liar and show him his lack of integrity. That's when the bitch comes out and I'm good at it.

[healing007]

Yes I have a negative voice. Naming it has helped me identify that it is not the real me. I don't want that voice to rule my life anymore. The negative voice causes fear - then I start thinking I'm a failure and loser and on and on... what I've read so far rings true... I've practiced positive thoughts and writing down positive traits in myself that I admire in others. I also document how a power greater than myself is helping me. Seems to work.

[Thornyrose]

I voted yes. I wish there was a bigger yes, maybe in capital letters, or bold font or dayglo green or something, because I get these thoughts all the time which don't feel like they come from me, which berate me excessively for things that probably are not even that bad. But a tiny thing (like not having the right paper open during a meeting at work) will lead to thoughts of my being subhuman and deserving to be tortured and harmed. I get lots of problems with this horrible 'voice' and constantly feel as though everyone around me would automatically have the right to harm me or kill me, even that they SHOULD hurt or kill me, and I would absolutely not have a right to object. Sounds odd, feels nasty.

[Ace Ventura]

This is the second poll that I (carer) have commented in because it reminded me so much of my husband.

My husband's voice/other person is also the Sergeant (as came up earlier in this poll) or Drill Sergeant. This voice/person is horrible to him. I've talked to my husband about the Sergeant; my husband says that he needs the sergeant as a motivator for him, to make him do what he "should" be doing. To me, the sergeant sounds like the negative/controlling/abusive people from when my husband was a kid. I think that my husband thinks he needs to be motivated that way because 1) That's what he was taught growing up and 2) He's so full of guilt that he thinks that he deserves it. Unfortunately, I don't believe that the sergeant has his best interests at heart. We've talked about it a lot; though the sergeant hasn't gone away, I think it's helped my husband to know that I'm not intimidated by the sergeant---I'm just as determined to treat my DH with respect as the sergeant is determined to abuse him.

Thanks for the great poll!

[FightingLily]

I voted yes. I too suffer from the defensive "B" mode especially when I'm feeling backed into a corner or when I percieve someone trying to take advantage of me or getting over on me. I suppose it is part of the hypervigilance aspect of the illness.

[Serenity1st]

Hi Lisa,
That's me all right. After a lot of therapy, I know that it's a voice from my childhood, and that that person was an abuser. My big struggle is noticing that, when that sort of thinking comes up, it's a red flag that I'm not taking good care of myself and the PTSD is flaring again.
A mixed blessing, I guess. Feel awful/notice and take better care of myself.
Wish I could skip the first part more consistently...
Anne

[Dylan]

I voted 'sometimes'.

It used to be horrible - this absolute vicious, cruel voice, malevolent even. It would come on strong, torture me for awhile, and then recede. The warning would come: "The Tyrant is on the prowl", and, even though the voice was very soft - I had to strain to 'hear', I had to listen, had to attend to it. My partner watched it happen once and she said I would go very still and appear to just be staring into space very intently.

It finally dawned on me that, as cruel and horrible as it was, that voice was actually trying to HELP me in its own way. Sounds crazy probably, but it figured if it had already done the worst that anyone could do to me, then no one 'out there' could hurt me. I'd never be surprised or blindsided. I think the idea was that I'd rather be hurt by myself than ever be hurt/betrayed by anyone else (again) I guess. So, in her own way, that part was trying to protect me.

Anyway, once I realized that, it began to change. I don't have that vicious one anymore.

I have struggled with the critical voice, but mostly in recent years it's been more of a belief that if I just try hard enough, just push harder, harder, ever harder, I can make myself be different (successful, free, happy, feel safe, not drink, not overeat, be engaged, present, etc, etc). That driven, type "A", coach-type voice isn't helpful, either.

And very recently (like this last week), I realized that I can't beat myself into healing. I've had this mantra lately, "I expect myself to work with myself, where I am, right now" and that inner voice is beginning to morph into a genuine "inner parent" - not brutal/abusive, not indulgent/syrupy, but actually, genuinely nurturing.

-Dylan

[Dylan]

Hi Ace -

I very much relate to your husband's idea that he needs the voice to motivate him to do what he should do. I created that type of voice trying to assist with depression and anxiety -- the idea that, without that hard-pushing voice, I'd never even get out of bed or leave the house.

As abusive as it seems, I believe we develop those inner voices/states in an attempt to help ourselves. Since the skills are maladaptive, they have a big downside (being abusive), but I do believe that we create them out of an honest and sincere attempt to help ourselves.

-Dylan

[Torqueo]

I do. My therapist asked what she looked like and if she had a name and all that. I simply called her Crucio (Latin for: to torture, torment ) Whenever I got into a 'downer' as I call them. I'd imagine she and I having an arguement about one of the 3 main traumas I've suffered (the result being PTSD). My boyfriend has even occasionally heard me muttering to myself. Things like, "It wasn't my fault he did it-- Yes it was! You didn't run you dumb bitch! You deserved it!". Thankfully he'd stop me whenever he's heard me or noticed me being in my own world