becvan
29-09-2007, 05:35 PM
BECOMING A "COMPLIANT VICTIM"
Summarized by Nancy Davis, Ph.D.
1.
The man selects a woman who has low self-esteem. Previous theory blamed the
victim for picking an abuser, but research shows it is the abuser who focuses on
someone that is easy to manipulate and has problems with confrontation and
anger. Often the woman was abused in some way as a child, making them more
vulnerable to manipulation. Usually this woman has had a major loss or crisis
shortly before meeting the man, making her less `on guard' to manipulation and
more needy. In many cases, the man picks a woman who loves children and pets;
because he can threaten to hurt the things she loves to control her. Some men
pick women who are successful and of higher status than they are as a
challenge, because they like to "bring them down".
2.
When the relationship starts, the man does the following things to seduce her
and assure that she comes to believe he is wonderful:
Spends a lot of time with her. Is slow at becoming sexual and is kind and
loving in sex.
Becomes her friend. Listens to her and shares very personal things with
her. "I've never told anyone this before"; "I've never felt like this about
anyone". May give her a gift and say something like, "My grandmother
gave this to me on her deathbed and I've never wanted to give it to
anyone before I met you."
Unexpectedly and spontaneously buys her gifts, flowers, etc.
Compliments her a lot, especially in those areas where she has low self-
esteem.
Lets her make decisions; gives her the illusion of control.
Does not show a predictable course of behavior.
Makes her believe the universe revolves around her.
Doesn't show anger or verbally attack her in any way. Does not show
displeasure or disapproval. This is very important since if you do not
know what makes someone angry, you do not know them.
Makes himself appear vulnerable and trustworthy. Often presents as a
"lost little boy" who no one understands but her. Can convince her that
all the other women in his life misunderstood and abused him and that
she is the one who will love him the way he needs so that they can have a
"perfect" relationship.
Constantly reads her to make sure that he is accepted.
Often moves in too quickly; may ask her to marry him within the first
month or two of dating.
3.
The woman falls in love. The women these men pick are generally those who
have had problems with trust. Now she trusts him and is extremely vulnerable
to manipulation. During the courting period, others may warn her that he is
cruel or abusive, but she will not believe this since she is only seeing his loving
side, which he is showing her to win her over. Her unconscious often warns her
in some way that the man is evil (through dreams or thoughts that come into her
head that he is evil) but she ignores this.
4.
He gives her clues as to his real personality, but she ignores them. He often is
much nicer to her in front of other people than he is when they are alone. He
typically shows the woman his sadistic, abusive side on one occasion, to see what
she will do. She tells herself that he was drunk or tired or upset, and his real
personality is the sweet and loving one he has let her see. When he sees that
he can con her and manipulate her belief systems and perceptions, he says
something like, "Do you know what you're getting into?" "I'm really a terrible
person" "I'm really evil". She, of course, responds, "No you're not, you're
wonderful, you're good." If she sees signs of his evil side, she tells herself,
"This isn't the real him". He then justifies his behavior, "I warned her and
she's getting just what she deserves".
5.
Once the man is sure of the relationship or he marries the woman, he then
shapes her behavior by the use of positive reinforcement (gratitude,
compliments, or attention) and negative reinforcement (pouting, ignoring, or
rejection). He begins to show explosive anger or disapproval. He may tell her
he is leaving her home "Until you get it right", treating her like a child who must
get his approval. Since she has only seen him acting in a pleasant and positive
way, she believes the problem is with her. She is afraid of his anger and of
confrontation and changes to keep his approval. She keeps waiting for the "real
him" to return, i.e., the loving side that he used to con her into the relationship.
6.
He isolates her from friends, family and people who work with her. He does this
by making fun of her friends, acting in an offensive manner when friends visit,
and/or constantly harassing her. "I just gave up...it wasn't worth putting up
with him to have friends or call my family. He would go on for hours and just
wear me down". Many of these men get the women to quit their jobs so that
they are totally isolated from anyone who can give them support. He pulls her
into his reality so that she believes what he tells her to believe. "He made me
believe what was right was wrong and what was wrong was right".
7.
He begins to tear down her self-esteem in the way that he once built it up. He
makes her feel that she is an "inferior" human being and it is her fault that his
behavior has changed. The woman usually believes that his behavior is her fault,
"I thought he did things to me because I made him do things to me. If I was
better or nicer, I told myself, he would stop hitting me. It was all my fault."
He is usually verbally abusive, physically abusive and sexually abusive. He feels
he owns her just like he owns his car; his goal is control. As such, he may
control what she wears, and if she works. He may tell her that she has to stand
in a certain way when they are with other people, as a way of showing that he
totally controls her. ("Hold your hands above your waist") These men tell the
woman that they will never be able to leave the relationship...the more abusive
may threaten to kill her if she leaves him (and, of course, some do kill them).
He does not care how she feels about him as long as he owns and controls her.
She is an object to control. He tells her that no one else will ever love her and
makes her believe this so she thinks that she has no choice but to stay with him.
He may threaten to torture or gut loved pets or children in front of her, if she
tries to leave him.
8.
In the sexually abusive relationship, where the man is a sexual sadist, sexual
relationships progress from caring, mutual lovemaking through progressively
more violent sex. The woman becomes an object and the man has stereotyped
sex in which the woman has injury inflicted upon her. He "positions her" during
sex, making her stay in one position time after time so that she will not enjoy
sex and she is an object during sex. He may bite and pinch her during sex, put a
pillow over her mouth so that she can't breathe, choke her, etc. The man may
have intercourse with the woman for hours, until she is raw and bleeding, but
rarely ejaculate. The man often prefers anal sex with the woman facing away
from him to depersonalize her. Woman involved with these men state that they
thought that the man would kill them during the sexual acts. The man gets
pleasure out of her suffering, not just in the sexual area, but in every area of
her life. These men often sleep deprive these woman, keeping them up night
after night by harassing them and emotionally degrading them. "He showed me
his gun during the day and the bullets in it which he said would blow a hole the
size of a tennis ball into a brain. Then he would sleep with it during the night,
and would sleep walk. When he did this, he would put the gun to my head and I
was sure he was going to kill me. I stayed up all night to keep him from shooting
me." (This victim was surprised to understand that the sadist had not really
been sleeping, but had used this "sleep walking" to torture her.)
9.
He is jealous of their children because he wants all of the woman's attention.
He may use their children to torture the woman and cause her to suffer, since
hurting the children may cause intense suffering.
background image
10.
The man may give the woman a different name as a way of depersonalizing them.
Women who are compliant victims appear to remain in the relationship because they
are in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and, become so numb and withdrawn that
they can't function well. Furthermore, the trauma of the relationship often causes
the woman to regress to the emotional age of 3-4 years old; children of this age do
not think of leaving their home no matter how the caretakers behave. The
compliant victim is in a constant state of terror. The abusive man has such a hold
on the woman that breaking the relationship usually involves the man being jailed,
her family members threatening to take her children if she doesn't leave or
removing her from the relationship. The sexual sadist may leave the woman
because he has beaten her down so much that she no longer interests him or he
abuses her children and she leaves to protect them. Some men leave when they
believe that they have "killed" everything good and successful in their mate, i.e.,
her body, self-esteem, social relationships, health, ability to work and family
relationships. At this point they may dump her and move on to another victim.
In the author's experience, without extensive interview questions, a compliant
victim may never disclose to her therapist the real reason that she is so
traumatized. "I thought I was the only one this had ever happened to." She takes
responsibility for her abuse, experiencing intense feelings of shame. Furthermore,
she may have amnesia for the majority of the sadist acts (as is common with
traumatic events), or these acts may be so traumatic, she has no words to describe
them. She typically will give a few clues to the therapist that she was a compliant
victim, such as "My husband was very brutal during sex".
Intimate relations which are abusive relationships, but do not involve sexual sadism
typically follow the same pattern in the initial stages of the relationship. This in
true for abusive relationships in which either a male or a female is the abuser.
However, in the more common domestic relationships in which physical and
emotional abuse occurs, there are cycles in which the abuser appears kind and
caring, and, as such, allows the victim to feel in control of the relationship. In
other words, following an abusive incident, the abuser may give gifts, praise and/or
be emotionally affectionate to the victim. Or, the abuse may continue until the
abuser senses his or her partner has had enough and is considering leaving the
relationship. At this point, the abuser switches his or her behavior and becomes
loving and considerate until her or she has conned the partner into remaining in the
relationship. In the sadistic relationship, however, there seems to be no positive
cycle.
Some male sexual sadists may pick a woman that he controls to such a degree that
he psychologically convinces her to help him torture and/or murder other victims.
Information for these interview questions was taken from:
Books, articles, workshops and personal communication by FBI Special Agent Roy
Hazelwood, (retired); SSA Sharon Smith, Behavioral Science Unit, FBI Academy and the
evaluation and treatment of numerous compliant victims by Dr. Davis.
therapeutic-stories.com/articles/compliantvictim.pdf
Summarized by Nancy Davis, Ph.D.
1.
The man selects a woman who has low self-esteem. Previous theory blamed the
victim for picking an abuser, but research shows it is the abuser who focuses on
someone that is easy to manipulate and has problems with confrontation and
anger. Often the woman was abused in some way as a child, making them more
vulnerable to manipulation. Usually this woman has had a major loss or crisis
shortly before meeting the man, making her less `on guard' to manipulation and
more needy. In many cases, the man picks a woman who loves children and pets;
because he can threaten to hurt the things she loves to control her. Some men
pick women who are successful and of higher status than they are as a
challenge, because they like to "bring them down".
2.
When the relationship starts, the man does the following things to seduce her
and assure that she comes to believe he is wonderful:
Spends a lot of time with her. Is slow at becoming sexual and is kind and
loving in sex.
Becomes her friend. Listens to her and shares very personal things with
her. "I've never told anyone this before"; "I've never felt like this about
anyone". May give her a gift and say something like, "My grandmother
gave this to me on her deathbed and I've never wanted to give it to
anyone before I met you."
Unexpectedly and spontaneously buys her gifts, flowers, etc.
Compliments her a lot, especially in those areas where she has low self-
esteem.
Lets her make decisions; gives her the illusion of control.
Does not show a predictable course of behavior.
Makes her believe the universe revolves around her.
Doesn't show anger or verbally attack her in any way. Does not show
displeasure or disapproval. This is very important since if you do not
know what makes someone angry, you do not know them.
Makes himself appear vulnerable and trustworthy. Often presents as a
"lost little boy" who no one understands but her. Can convince her that
all the other women in his life misunderstood and abused him and that
she is the one who will love him the way he needs so that they can have a
"perfect" relationship.
Constantly reads her to make sure that he is accepted.
Often moves in too quickly; may ask her to marry him within the first
month or two of dating.
3.
The woman falls in love. The women these men pick are generally those who
have had problems with trust. Now she trusts him and is extremely vulnerable
to manipulation. During the courting period, others may warn her that he is
cruel or abusive, but she will not believe this since she is only seeing his loving
side, which he is showing her to win her over. Her unconscious often warns her
in some way that the man is evil (through dreams or thoughts that come into her
head that he is evil) but she ignores this.
4.
He gives her clues as to his real personality, but she ignores them. He often is
much nicer to her in front of other people than he is when they are alone. He
typically shows the woman his sadistic, abusive side on one occasion, to see what
she will do. She tells herself that he was drunk or tired or upset, and his real
personality is the sweet and loving one he has let her see. When he sees that
he can con her and manipulate her belief systems and perceptions, he says
something like, "Do you know what you're getting into?" "I'm really a terrible
person" "I'm really evil". She, of course, responds, "No you're not, you're
wonderful, you're good." If she sees signs of his evil side, she tells herself,
"This isn't the real him". He then justifies his behavior, "I warned her and
she's getting just what she deserves".
5.
Once the man is sure of the relationship or he marries the woman, he then
shapes her behavior by the use of positive reinforcement (gratitude,
compliments, or attention) and negative reinforcement (pouting, ignoring, or
rejection). He begins to show explosive anger or disapproval. He may tell her
he is leaving her home "Until you get it right", treating her like a child who must
get his approval. Since she has only seen him acting in a pleasant and positive
way, she believes the problem is with her. She is afraid of his anger and of
confrontation and changes to keep his approval. She keeps waiting for the "real
him" to return, i.e., the loving side that he used to con her into the relationship.
6.
He isolates her from friends, family and people who work with her. He does this
by making fun of her friends, acting in an offensive manner when friends visit,
and/or constantly harassing her. "I just gave up...it wasn't worth putting up
with him to have friends or call my family. He would go on for hours and just
wear me down". Many of these men get the women to quit their jobs so that
they are totally isolated from anyone who can give them support. He pulls her
into his reality so that she believes what he tells her to believe. "He made me
believe what was right was wrong and what was wrong was right".
7.
He begins to tear down her self-esteem in the way that he once built it up. He
makes her feel that she is an "inferior" human being and it is her fault that his
behavior has changed. The woman usually believes that his behavior is her fault,
"I thought he did things to me because I made him do things to me. If I was
better or nicer, I told myself, he would stop hitting me. It was all my fault."
He is usually verbally abusive, physically abusive and sexually abusive. He feels
he owns her just like he owns his car; his goal is control. As such, he may
control what she wears, and if she works. He may tell her that she has to stand
in a certain way when they are with other people, as a way of showing that he
totally controls her. ("Hold your hands above your waist") These men tell the
woman that they will never be able to leave the relationship...the more abusive
may threaten to kill her if she leaves him (and, of course, some do kill them).
He does not care how she feels about him as long as he owns and controls her.
She is an object to control. He tells her that no one else will ever love her and
makes her believe this so she thinks that she has no choice but to stay with him.
He may threaten to torture or gut loved pets or children in front of her, if she
tries to leave him.
8.
In the sexually abusive relationship, where the man is a sexual sadist, sexual
relationships progress from caring, mutual lovemaking through progressively
more violent sex. The woman becomes an object and the man has stereotyped
sex in which the woman has injury inflicted upon her. He "positions her" during
sex, making her stay in one position time after time so that she will not enjoy
sex and she is an object during sex. He may bite and pinch her during sex, put a
pillow over her mouth so that she can't breathe, choke her, etc. The man may
have intercourse with the woman for hours, until she is raw and bleeding, but
rarely ejaculate. The man often prefers anal sex with the woman facing away
from him to depersonalize her. Woman involved with these men state that they
thought that the man would kill them during the sexual acts. The man gets
pleasure out of her suffering, not just in the sexual area, but in every area of
her life. These men often sleep deprive these woman, keeping them up night
after night by harassing them and emotionally degrading them. "He showed me
his gun during the day and the bullets in it which he said would blow a hole the
size of a tennis ball into a brain. Then he would sleep with it during the night,
and would sleep walk. When he did this, he would put the gun to my head and I
was sure he was going to kill me. I stayed up all night to keep him from shooting
me." (This victim was surprised to understand that the sadist had not really
been sleeping, but had used this "sleep walking" to torture her.)
9.
He is jealous of their children because he wants all of the woman's attention.
He may use their children to torture the woman and cause her to suffer, since
hurting the children may cause intense suffering.
background image
10.
The man may give the woman a different name as a way of depersonalizing them.
Women who are compliant victims appear to remain in the relationship because they
are in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and, become so numb and withdrawn that
they can't function well. Furthermore, the trauma of the relationship often causes
the woman to regress to the emotional age of 3-4 years old; children of this age do
not think of leaving their home no matter how the caretakers behave. The
compliant victim is in a constant state of terror. The abusive man has such a hold
on the woman that breaking the relationship usually involves the man being jailed,
her family members threatening to take her children if she doesn't leave or
removing her from the relationship. The sexual sadist may leave the woman
because he has beaten her down so much that she no longer interests him or he
abuses her children and she leaves to protect them. Some men leave when they
believe that they have "killed" everything good and successful in their mate, i.e.,
her body, self-esteem, social relationships, health, ability to work and family
relationships. At this point they may dump her and move on to another victim.
In the author's experience, without extensive interview questions, a compliant
victim may never disclose to her therapist the real reason that she is so
traumatized. "I thought I was the only one this had ever happened to." She takes
responsibility for her abuse, experiencing intense feelings of shame. Furthermore,
she may have amnesia for the majority of the sadist acts (as is common with
traumatic events), or these acts may be so traumatic, she has no words to describe
them. She typically will give a few clues to the therapist that she was a compliant
victim, such as "My husband was very brutal during sex".
Intimate relations which are abusive relationships, but do not involve sexual sadism
typically follow the same pattern in the initial stages of the relationship. This in
true for abusive relationships in which either a male or a female is the abuser.
However, in the more common domestic relationships in which physical and
emotional abuse occurs, there are cycles in which the abuser appears kind and
caring, and, as such, allows the victim to feel in control of the relationship. In
other words, following an abusive incident, the abuser may give gifts, praise and/or
be emotionally affectionate to the victim. Or, the abuse may continue until the
abuser senses his or her partner has had enough and is considering leaving the
relationship. At this point, the abuser switches his or her behavior and becomes
loving and considerate until her or she has conned the partner into remaining in the
relationship. In the sadistic relationship, however, there seems to be no positive
cycle.
Some male sexual sadists may pick a woman that he controls to such a degree that
he psychologically convinces her to help him torture and/or murder other victims.
Information for these interview questions was taken from:
Books, articles, workshops and personal communication by FBI Special Agent Roy
Hazelwood, (retired); SSA Sharon Smith, Behavioral Science Unit, FBI Academy and the
evaluation and treatment of numerous compliant victims by Dr. Davis.
therapeutic-stories.com/articles/compliantvictim.pdf