-m1-
05-10-2007, 02:00 PM
I can't do a diary. Diary denotes linear or timeline things. I really dont have linear i realized today. Just a mass of white noise over a period of 15 years. Lots of stuff missing. Somethings that stand out, but I cant put dates to anything, just approximate age at the time of things that stand out.
I remember sensory things the most. The time I was three and was belted accross the face for talking too much... and then had the surgical tape put over my mouth. Crying to the point of my nose stopping up and then... that whole issue of not being able to breath. Had to sit on my hands in the corner... and not move. and not breath. the solution was to stop crying or suffocate. I stopped crying. Never really started again.
I remember being about 7ish? And at the dinner table... my brother (18 months older than me) sitting next to me.. on my left... and it being his turn... to get the shit beat out of him. I remember the blood splatter coming accross and hitting the side of my face. His blood. From a good three feet away. I remember the paralyzing horror of it. And wishing it was mine instead of his... because I knew my pain tolerance but, even tho he was older, I feared for him because I didn't know his.
I remember the feeling of having pieces of my teeth knocked into my mouth. And not having time to spit them out before the next blow came. I swallowed them, with a lot of blood. I think I was 9? 10? I remember being sad that I had to swallow them because if I hadn't, maybe the dentist could have put them back on. I remember how for days... weeks... afterward, the gritty, sandpapery feel of those broken/chipped teeth felt when they touched each other... rubbed against each other.
I remember the night my brother lost it and pulled a butcher knife on my dad. I was 11. I remember throwing myself between the two of them... not because I wanted to protect my dad... but because I didn't want my brother to go away to jail "forever".
I remember countless times of being told "I would kill you right now if I knew I wouldn't go to jail for it". I remember after a few years, I just wanted him to do so.
I remember my mother always left the room when things started going down. I hated her for that. If I had to endure it, she sure as shit should have had the stones to witness it.
I remember cutting my hair shorter and shorter and shorter because I got really ****ing tired of it being used as a grasping spot. I really had no choice but to join the punk movement in the end. Fer chrissakes, I had Sid Vicious's hair, I might as well join the party. I remember I have always found dark humor in shit. Still do now based on that last thought. It, plus music, probably saved my life.
I remember a few things, but not as much as I should all things considered. I figure that is my brain protecting me.
See? I cant do this diary stuff very well. Because nothing is really linear. It's just white noise. Just a lot of chaos.
I'm trying.
m1
I remember sensory things the most. The time I was three and was belted accross the face for talking too much... and then had the surgical tape put over my mouth. Crying to the point of my nose stopping up and then... that whole issue of not being able to breath. Had to sit on my hands in the corner... and not move. and not breath. the solution was to stop crying or suffocate. I stopped crying. Never really started again.
I remember being about 7ish? And at the dinner table... my brother (18 months older than me) sitting next to me.. on my left... and it being his turn... to get the shit beat out of him. I remember the blood splatter coming accross and hitting the side of my face. His blood. From a good three feet away. I remember the paralyzing horror of it. And wishing it was mine instead of his... because I knew my pain tolerance but, even tho he was older, I feared for him because I didn't know his.
I remember the feeling of having pieces of my teeth knocked into my mouth. And not having time to spit them out before the next blow came. I swallowed them, with a lot of blood. I think I was 9? 10? I remember being sad that I had to swallow them because if I hadn't, maybe the dentist could have put them back on. I remember how for days... weeks... afterward, the gritty, sandpapery feel of those broken/chipped teeth felt when they touched each other... rubbed against each other.
I remember the night my brother lost it and pulled a butcher knife on my dad. I was 11. I remember throwing myself between the two of them... not because I wanted to protect my dad... but because I didn't want my brother to go away to jail "forever".
I remember countless times of being told "I would kill you right now if I knew I wouldn't go to jail for it". I remember after a few years, I just wanted him to do so.
I remember my mother always left the room when things started going down. I hated her for that. If I had to endure it, she sure as shit should have had the stones to witness it.
I remember cutting my hair shorter and shorter and shorter because I got really ****ing tired of it being used as a grasping spot. I really had no choice but to join the punk movement in the end. Fer chrissakes, I had Sid Vicious's hair, I might as well join the party. I remember I have always found dark humor in shit. Still do now based on that last thought. It, plus music, probably saved my life.
I remember a few things, but not as much as I should all things considered. I figure that is my brain protecting me.
See? I cant do this diary stuff very well. Because nothing is really linear. It's just white noise. Just a lot of chaos.
I'm trying.
m1