PTSD for Most of My Life

[txmomof3]

As this is my first post here, I am very nervous...but I know talking about things will help. My name is Daphne and as my username suggests...I live in Texas and have three kids. In my previous career, I worked as a pedi nurse, but now I am a stay-at-home-mom.

I have suffered multiple traumas from as far back as I can remember. Things got really bad around age 9 and went downhill from there. Most of my stuff is domestic or sexual, but I have recently had a couple of medical traumas as well.

For the past five years, I have focused so intensely on trying to get physically well that I thought I had gotten through the worst of the PTSD. However, I realized in May, when my Anorexia was back in full force, that I had obviously not learned how to effectively manage my PTSD.

I was amazed when I found this forum today. People who don't have PTSD just don't understand what it is like...just like I can't understand how it affects those around me.

I desperately want to get better, but I am so numb and dissociate so easily that I am afraid I never will. I am so terrified of feeling too much and not being able to turn it off.

I am so glad I found this forum...and was able to convince myself to join and post.

[veiled]

Welcome to the forum.

[She Cat]

HI Tx,

Welcome to the forum. Glad that you got up the courage to join and post. It a great community, with tons of wonderful people.

[hollyberry]

Ive only been on for a couple of days. Im really happy to find this too. also have had ptsd for years from my childhood. Symtoms have been showing up since 85 when I was trying to raise children and didn't have a clue how to do that. Very little memory of first 13 years of life and was pretty much on my own after 13. had no boundaries, did as I pleased, no parents around, raised my self, with drugs, alcohol and relatioships with boys and some grown men. surpised I made it through it somedays.

[rt1967]

hi glad you found forum.

[nie]

Welcome to the forum.

[txmomof3]

It is nice to come to a board where new members are welcomed so quickly! I look forward to getting to know everyone and helping each other through life with PTSD.

Hollyberry, I too don't remember much of my childhood before junior high. I can remember certain things happening before then, but my memory is very sketchy. Welcome to the board as well!

[hollyberry]

I have 3 children too. they are grown now, and have 3 grandchildren.

[txmomof3]

Do you find that as your children and grandchildren turn certain ages that it triggers you?

When my youngest daughter turned 8 this year, I finally figured out that simply the age of my children could trigger me. I have 2 daughters and a son...and I have found that my daughters trigger me in different ways than my son.

My oldest daughter is 16, my son is 11, and my youngest daughter is 8. My 16 year old is technically my step-daughter, but I am in the process of adopting her. She has lived with us full-time for 4 years and her bio mother passed away 3 years ago. Since we have such a good mother-daughter relationship, we only use "step" on occasion. I only bring it up in this forum because some of my triggers are related to blended family dynamics.

[anthony]

Hi txmom... welcome.

[Nam]

Hi Daphne, and welcome! Already, I see some similarities between us! I have two daughters and a son and I used to work in a Maternity ward. I got severely triggered there and decided that being at home with my kids is where I belong.

Do you find that as your children and grandchildren turn certain ages that it triggers you?

This happens to me quite often. Just today (not a trigger, but more of a reflection), I was thinking that at my daughter's age now (she's five), I had already went through the worst of it, forgotten it, and was in the process of being adopted. Then I go hug her tight and thank God she's had it different.

I hope you find this forum as helpful to you as it did me.

[yaya17]

I dissociate frequently...for days at a time...I know how scary it can be. It was bad to the point where the doctors were considering calling it Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I eventually managed to control it. I've lost that ability and I'm back to dissociating again...but my point is that it CAN be controlled, even if it's not easy.

Good luck.

[txmomof3]

Nam,

Wow...that is amazing how similar things are! I never thought working in pedi would be triggering, but I was REALLY wrong. I am glad that it did make me come home and be a stay at home mom. I like the idea of just hugging your daughter and reminding yourself that things are different for her.

[txmomof3]

Yaya17,

Dissociation can be very scary. When I was on a trauma unit a few years ago, they were trying to figure out where exactly I belonged on the spectrum. They toyed with DID, but eventually decided that I was just very good at dissociation. I can always account for the time, but after dissociating I am very aware of the differences in my behavior and personality. I am working very hard to overcome the dissociation...but like you said it can be very difficult.

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum, Tx.

bec

[TigerMystic]

Welcome, TxMom. I'm new here, too. It's neat to see how many people with PTSD discover this site and are able to establish connections, learn from others, and receive that all-important thing called validation.

May your journey here bring you healing, hope, strength, and peace.

Cin :smile:

[Eagle]

Hi Tx Mom
I am new here also and have had complex ptsd most of my life. They didnt know about it way back then but now I know. Hope we can be an encouragement to each other.
Eagle