What is Dissociation?

[Awakening]

Can someone please explain this to me?

Apparently I do it. But to me I feel no different to normal. So does this mean I've always done it?

I've googled, but really I must be thick because I still don't get it.

What is disassociation? How do you know you do it?

How can you tell when someone else is dissociating? What are the signs? What do you observe in someone dissassocating?

[She Cat]

Ok, this is tough to answer...For me when I do it. I am not aware of anything. My mind sort of shuts down, but my body is still functioning. Sometimes I have had what I would only explain as "like" an out of body experience, where I can *see* what I am doing but totally detached from it.

There are times that I can feel myself doing it, but can't stop, other times I can stop myself.

I have had people tell me that it's like everything just left my face, no emotion at all, kind of the dead stare.

It may be different for others, but that's how it is for me....

[kers]

Here's a thread that gives a little background on it: What is dissociation (http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1214.html)

I dissociate frequently. It is an anxiety reaction that dates back to my childhood abuse--a coping mechanism. If you can't physically flee a crisis, your mind can help you mentally/emotionally flee.

Everyone dissociates, but there is a difference between 'normal' dissociation like staring into spacing and thinking for a few moments and 'traumatic' dissociation where you feel separate from your body or are completely unresponsive.

[vst]

I agree that disassociation may be different for different people. I learned to cope with disassociation so well that no one ever knew. Now I know when I start to disassociate and try to bring myself back.

Boy, is this hard to put into words.

vst

[Anna5]

All the Information below is from a handout I recieved. I thought it might be helpful.


DISSOCIATION

Dissociation appears as a fixed stars with glazed eyes. People say things to you such as, "You're dizzy," "You sure are spacy," "Where did you go?" or "Earth to Mary." Dissociation is used to escape from uncomfortable situations, feelings, or traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. However, as adults we have more and better ways to defend ourselves than by dissociating, and continuing to do so robs us of our vitality and ability to fully experience life.

As a child, when you experience a traumatic even you have three choices: (1) die; (2) Go insane; or (3) Dissociate. When you learned to dissociate, your head (thinking) disconnected from your body (feeling). Since then, you have been "living in your head, " experienceing life intellectually, not emotionally.

It is important to remember that dissociation is not abnormal; it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. And you don't need to have a long history of abuse. It only takes a single event to cause dissociation.

Because you learned how to dissociate, no matter what trauma you may encounter you will never go insane, and your system will find a way to prevent you from dying. Your system will even sabotage a suicide attempt. All this is because no matter what happens, you want to survive. There is something in your Self which refuses to allow you to be destroyed.

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The dissociative Continuum

There are different stages of dissociation which lie on a continuum:
1. Daydreaming. Almost everyone does this. If you have ever let you mind wander in class because the teacher was boring, or driven to work and then not been able to really remember the trip, you have been daydreaming.
2. Imaginary Friends. Many children have imaginary friends. This is neither unusual or abnormal.
3. Dissociative Episodes. During traumatic events, extreme stress, or overwhelming emotions, you may "blank out," "get lost in the carpet," or even fall asleep. When you return you will not be able to recall where you mind went, or what you were thinking about. These dissociative episodes occur to help you avoid dealing with what is happening around or inside you.
4. Out of Body Experience. During a tramatic event, you may have the sense of being ouside your body, and feel that you are viewing yourself from a completely different vantage point. For example, you may see the event as though you were floating near the ceiling and looking down at yourself and/or your abuser.
5. Voices with identities and Functions. You may hear voices inside your head telling you what to do or say. For example, one voice may tell you "date that person, he's really bad for you." You have compartmentalized yourself out of necessity, because although your abusers do not allow you to think, feel, or act for yourself, you still have to be able to function when you are away from them. Imagine you have put your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings into different drawers in a chest; there are dividers between them, but they are all touching, and you are aware of what is happening.
6. Fragments with identities and Fuctions. If you need greater protection from your abusers, you may develop fragments with names, specific functions, and feelings. Your parents may demand that you be quiet, compliant, and pretend to be stupid. However, you also need to be a good student in school. You may have Quiet Clara who handles situations at home and Suzie Student who takes your tests at school. When a fragment is functioning for you, you may feel as though someone has "taken over" your body and you have no control over yourself; however, you are still aware of what is going on around you. What has happened is the that the "drawers" into which your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are stored have become separated from each other and are no longer touching.

Note: At all levels of dissociation from Daydreaming through Fragments you are conscious of what is happening. Dissociative Episodes through Fragments are classified as Dissociative Disorders. 1-6 are all conscious and 7 is Unconscious

7. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). This occurs when your need for protection from your abusers is so great you have developd alters, each with their own feelings, functions, memories, and names. You may be a quiet, conservative person, but one day friends might tell you they saw you the previous evening dancing on the tables at a local bar, wearing a see-through blouse, and claiming your name was Lolita. There is some or no communication between alters, but you are not conscious of what happens when an alter is "out" (functioning for you), nor do you have any memory of what the alter has done or said. You have crossed the "amnestic barrier, " consequently when you switch from being yourself to being an alter, you lose time. You might have alters named Angry Alice, beecause you are not allowed to be angry in the presence of your abusers; Smart Susie, who is an excellent student despite you abusers' insistence that you are stupid; and creative Cathy, who likes to paint landscpes, which your abusers tell you is a waste of time. Netherless, all your alters are still you; they are parts of yourself which have become compartmentalized. What happened is that the "drawers" in you chest have become completely separated from each other. You have developed alters in order to protect yourself. Each alter holds memories, qualities, thoughts, and feelings that are perceived as being too dangerous for you to have. In order to develop alters, the abuse must have begun before the age of seven.


Note: All the above dissociative behaviors were developed as a perceived solution to a need. They were a child's answer to how to survive a potentially life-threatening situation.
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Determining Factors

How far you move up the dissociative continuum is based on the following factors:
1. Age of Onset of Abuse. The younger you are when the abuse begins, the farther up the continuum you may move. In order to go to DID, however, the abuse must have begun before the age of seven, because this is the age at which a child goes from "magical thinking" (for instance, believing in Santa Claus) to "rational thinking" (understanding that Santa Claus is really Mom and Dad).
2. Severity of Abuse. The more severe the abuse, the higher you are likely to go on the continuum.
3. Repetition of Abuse. The more often the abuse occurs, the higher you are likely to go on the continuum.
4. Perception of the Abuse. An event which appears frightening to one person may seem life-threatening to another. This does not mean one person is weaker than another! It simply means each of us has our own perception of individual events.
5. Sensitivity. Some people are more sensitive than others. As an analogy, think of a litter of puppies jostling each other. One puppy may cower in the corner and whimper, while another may bounce around and wrestle with its brothers and sisters. Again, this does not mean you are weak! This is just the way you were born.
6. Creativity. The more creative you are, the higher you may move up the continuum.
7 Intelligence. The more intelligent you are, the higher you may move up the continuum.
8. Pain Tolerance. Some people are born better able to tolerate pain, both physical and emotional. The lower you pain tolerance, the higher you may move up the continuum.
9. Experiences/Defenses. The fewer experiences you have (such as seeing how a friend's healthy family behaves) and fewer defenses you have in place (such as being able to understand how sick you abusers were), the higher you may go on the continuum.
10. Resources. Not having a positive person (such as a loving aunt, a supportive teacher) or positive activities (such as being on the school newspaper or a member of a church choir) can cause you to move higher on the continuum.
11. Inconsitent Pattern of Behavior of Abuser. The more unpredictable, inconsistent, or confusing the behavior of your abuser, the higher you may move on the continuum.
12. Vicarious Abuse. You may develop dissociation from witnessing abuse happening to someone else.
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The Origins of Dissociation

When you are born, you have physical and emotional boundaries, represented by the figure of the left, and a Core Self, represented by the dot in the center. *The image is a square box with a dot in the center.*


When you experience trauma as a child, your boundaries are penetrated and no longer intact. the perceived invasion causes you to feel helpless, overwhelmed, fearful, and extremely exposed, leaving your Core Self vulnerable.

In order to survive the trauma you separated into a Physical Self and a Dissociated Self. To prevent destruction of your Core Self, you hid it where your abuser could not find it. You then forgot where you hid it, because if you could remember, there would be a chance your abuser might get the information from you and thereby gain access to your Core Self and possibly destroy it.

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Remember that you learned to dissociate in order to prevent yourself from dying or going insane. Everything you did was because you want to survive, and dissociation was the only option you had as a child.

Dissociation does not mean that you are defective, damaged, insane, stupid, or worthless. In fact, you are among the most gifted people in the world because it takes intelligence, creativity, and imagination to learn how to dissociate. Congratulate yourself on your ability to survive overwhelming trauma.

[becvan]

Thanks Anna. That was so good, I turned it into a thread in information! It can now be found here too: http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6123.html

bec

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Wow, that was a great example and I learned quite a bit. I will have to come back and read it again because my ADD is acting up.

Thanks
Tammy

[Azhure]

wow...that explains a lot....i am normal!!! ehehe

[hollyberry]

I have just learned, in the past 2 weeks, this is how I survived my abuse. I know I survived it when it happened but don't feel like I'm surviving it now. The hour drive home from work last night was awful. I think the little girl that survived my abuse drove most of the way.I remember stopping once and calling for my son to come get me. But then we had to worry about his car being left on the highway. Also think when I was driving all my energy was going into not trying to wrap my car around telephone pole. Only thing that stopped me was the fear that husband and youngest son would probably do it right after me. And that would be terrible for the other 2. They are the ones with children and what kind of life would my grandchildren have if thier dads had to deal with that.

Sorry to be writting about that stuff but I think its ok as long as I'm not writting about having a plan and I'm going to go act on the plan (right?)

I'm surpose to go back to work in 3 1/2 hours. Don"t know if I'm going to make it at all. Drive up and back is the worst. Up in my head all the way. Only stayed at work about 5 hours, my boss told me just get the schedule done and get out of there.(schedule was surpose to be posted 2 days ago)
Ive tried to teach others to do it but its not easy to schedule 30 people and make sure you have enough cashiers on and you don't schedule people when they can't be there. And you can't use to many hours but need to use the right amount of hours. I smoked a cigerette one of the times I broke down( tasted really nasty). And I didn't get the damn schedule done.

I need to do something about my xanax. The doctor gave me to high of dosage and its timed released so everyone is saying don't cut it in half. When I first take it I'm knocked out for couple hours, then I feel high the rest of the time. Pretty sure the drive home last night was with out any. I took it about 1000am and left work at 1015pm.

OK for my questions about disassociation, Is it possible That I didn't know I did this when I was younger. And really don't think I do it now. Just because I did it during abuse doesn't mean I've done it into adulthood. Also when I'm doing fine one minute and a couple minutes later I'm totally lossing it, is that the child trying to surface.

[txmomof3]

I don't know how much I can add to Anna's post, but I will try to explain it from my experience.

I have used dissociation for my than half my life. A lot of times I am the only one who knows I am doing it. I had to really work to finally find a psychologist who could tell when I was dissociating. I can tell the stories of my abuses with no emotion behind them at all. I feel like there is this wall that separates the wife/mom/today me from the abused me. The problem with this is that there are leaks through the wall. I get upset about small trivial things...but don't feel anything about the big things.

When I am talking about abuse, I experience the following:
1) my body feels physically numb
2) I don't feel like I am in my body...but I am not "looking down on the situation"
3) I have a hard time making eye contact
4) My eyes glaze over and I look through people if I am making eye contact

For me, dissociation is a survival mechanism. I am working on learning positive coping skills so I can start to really deal with the abuse that has occured.

[logan]

That was great Anna5
like txmomof 3 i use it as survival mechanism i turn off the swicthes and attend to the needs of others but some times it lasts to long and my wife ask's me why i'm so cold and calous
it's just my way of coping but it turns me functional towards other things but not to my wife and kids thank goodness
find a way through it don't turn out like me
keep well

[vst]

Thank you for sharing Anna5.

The article explained everything so clearly. The insight it gave is invaluable. Throughout my life I thought of myself as being a survivor and now I understand the disassociation helped me survive, no matter what happened.

The disassociative scale was a little scary to read, but I was able to see where I was and where I am now.

Now I need to live with all my feelings exposed. Sometimes it is so very hard, but it is worth it.

vst

[hollyberry]

so is this what I did today?

[anthony]

Great information Anna.... thank you for sharing with everyone.

[strawberryburns]

That info was very enlightening. Thanks Anna! :)

I had an episode close to the holidays where I felt like a robot, was just numb, and had a hard time concentrating, and kept spacing out. Made work pretty hard to get through. I was there and yet I wasn't. I've had episodes like that many times in my life.

I was in a session with a former therapist while I was still living at the DV shelter and we were talking about my tendency to abuse myself emotionally. To put myself down and demean myself in my head. See I have an inner voice that is doing it. Not something that is audible, more in thought form. It is more than just me being self critical, it is brutal and very hateful. It just starts on its own and I always felt it was something separate from myself but I never gave it a name. I try to stop it from happening but it is difficult. Since it is in MY head I never tried to go past thinking of it as being me, even though it felt separate. Then I beat myself up for being so screwed up that I would do that to myself. :crazy: She asked me who's voice it was? It wasn't a particular voice of anyone really, it was just there, and I didn't know how to explain that. She asked me if I normally ever talk to or treat anyone the way the voice cusses me and belittles me? Was that anywhere near my normal personality? I had to answer that no it wasn't. She then asked me to try to identify who it was in my head if it wasn't me. When I really thought about it, I realized that it was a manifestation of my ex and my step father, like their combined abusive personalities were tag teaming me. I try really hard to stop myself now and ask who is in control of my head. In reality am I the low life, worthless piece of dirt, totally unlovable or undesirable to anyone who is decent, and total screw up that this voice inside me would have me believe? Sometimes the voice persists to the point that I become very depressed. The harder I push to succeed, to actually make a better life for myself since leaving my ex, and especially the closer I get to graduating...the more persistent the voice becomes.

I often tell people that I snapped just before leaving my ex and that I suddenly felt like I was on a train that couldn't be stopped, that I was along for the ride, that it was like someone else was in control. I made a lot of major life changing decisions and did some really HARD to do stuff that was not characteristic of me. I don't know if all that was rage driven from so many years of crap or if it was a prolonged disassociation, a "fragment" finally taking over and saying "ENOUGH!" and then doing the things I never dreamed I would be strong enough to do. Can they go on for long periods at a time like that?

[sunnydaze]

I was at a meeting a few weeks ago and was upset at my sister before arriving. I soon started ranting about how she hurt me and I kept telling myself to shut up. I kept talking but than it seemed as if someone else was doing the talking and I was straining my ears to hear but the words were all muffled. I sat down and was so embarrassed, I wanted to run out but seemed frozen in my chair. My doc prescribed Lorazapam and told me to keep it in my purse and if possible when I feel this happening to take a pill.
sunnydaze

[mightsurvive]

Hi Anna and thanks so much.
I now realise that i disciated more than i thought i did during the abuse. It was scary to read what makes you be higher up the disociation ladder but you are right that they are gifts. I'm very creative and that is such a comfort to me. Although i'm not going through the abuse anymore i still disociate quite often Is that normal? I just stare at a point and although i can hear and see its like it doesnt register. Maybe i am goign throguh abuses still - just self abuse - mentally. Maybe the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts make me disociate. not sure. Anyway thank you again. I have learnt so much from it.

[ruddy]

WOW! I think I read this information before and just didn't get it, couldn't figure out how it applied to me. Did somebody just put a lightbulb in the socket?

The part about preventing destruction of core self really hit home. Dissociation can be a handy tool at work or in a crisis. It enables me find logical solutions to problems without having emotions interfere. But it also self destructive. I rationalize, intellectualize, and generally try to convince myself that my feelings are invalid and unworthy of consideration. I try to ignore them like a robotic workaholic.

[WorkingThruIt]

I used to use it for the really difficult things, like the dentist. I tried using it when I was in labor/delivery with my daughter and that was the beginning of the end of it for me. I remember laying back and trying to cope with a contraction and then opening my eyes and three hours had passed, when it only felt like a minute or two. I can't recall most of the day, only segmented pieces. I wasn't on any drugs for pain when I was losing time. The whole day had this surreal feeling, like I had dropped acid (LSD) or something. I think it probably had more to do with all the crazy hormones and chemicals that are naturally produced to cope with labor. The disassociating stopped working when the pain was unbearable. It was very jarring to go from "not being there" to be in the worst pain I have ever experienced and absolutely terrified. They gave me narcotics soon after I reached that point.
When it did work, I could choose not to emotionally be somewhere and I wasn't. I didn't even realize that I could do it until I wasn't able to do it anymore. I really wish I could still do it. It was so very, very helpful.