I Hate Feeling This Way But I Really Do!

[pandora]

OK.....I had a great birthday with a lot of wishes from other forum members as well as in my personal life. That makes me feel good.

What makes me feel really frigging rotton is that my own mother did not call me. She is pissed at me again. There is nothing I can say or do that will ever make me feel like she is proud of me or even likes me. I cannot even imagine not calling my own son on his birthday even when he is 36. She makes me crazier than i already feel and i hate that I am losing sleep and wasting energy on her again. It just hurts me really bad, I know I am not that bad. I don't know how to stop feeling like this lost little kid with no support when she gives me the silent treatment. My GOD I should be used to this by now!

[Nam]

So sorry that you're going through this. There is no way to fill that void and it hurts. It's ok for it to hurt, but don't beat yourself up about it. It's her loss. And..if she purposefully not calling you and knowing that it's hurting you, well, that's just juvenile and wrong, which is her problem. I don't think you should "get used to it". Be stronger because of it. (((Hugs)))

[She Cat]

Pand,

She is your mother.......There is a bond that is hard to sever. Yes you are hurt, and have the right to be. I'm sorry that you are going through this....

You can continue to be hurt and want her love, and respect, or you can let it go and stop having the expectations of that of a normal mom. Apparently she isn't a normal mom, and can't or won't be one. So the choice is up to you now.

Letting go of the expectation of her being a better mom, may allow you to have a better relationship with her.

Hugs....

[rt1967]

glad you had good birthday, sorry your Mum wasn't there for you ,hugs

[hollyberry]

I can't imagine doing alot of stuff my mom does...Only thing I can say is Im sorry.

[hollyberry]

oh and happy belated birthday

[Kathy]

It is indeed a difficult situation Pandora and my heart goes out to you. Please know that you do not deserve this; no mother in her right mind would neglect to call her child on their birthday. You said so yourself regarding your own son. If she has done this on purpose, she is a very immature and vindictive woman indeed and that is her issue, not yours. As difficult as it is, it seems you must accept she is perhaps not the mother you are wishing for. Try to concentrate on the other people in your life as much as possible, your positive influences. As you mentioned yourself, you have received many good wishes from others, here and in your personal life. Concentrate on those good wishes and don't allow your mother to spoil things for you. I personally would be proud to call you my daughter Pandora. You are a good person, don't forget that. If your mother fails to see that, it truly is her loss.

[pandora]

Thank You everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It really is a amazing how much this will bring my anxiety "when she stops talking to me" right up and make my symptoms worse. My goodness with this, my back, all the meds i have to take to get through the day, a recent breakup, moving in the next two months and still have to find a place to move to ( this is very positive though, just stressful). I am hoping to work more on my traumas here again as my psychology appts are every two weeks right now. I am getting a lap top so I will be able to sit more comfortably so i am going to do some more personal growth, healing and self reflection. I promise myself that I will get through this...i won't let the holidays literally make me sick and ache for a family....but I know mine is not healthy and my son and i are always happy together (for the most part) I will get through this...I just need to start working on things again...maybe when more of my traumas are processed my stress and anxiety will be more manageable. I hope and pray that 2008 brings me some much needed happiness, peace and a much needed vacation. I have been using the PTSD workbook and was amazed when i had 12 like really major traumas. It is truly amazing, i feel...that sometimes I made it this far and I am only 36. Again, thank you everyone for your kind words it always help to get others points of view because she really makes me feel like I am such a failure and useless that i caused my sons Aspergers. She REALLY needs help...at least I was smart enough and cared enough to get the proper help for my son and I. I am often so jealous when I see other mothers with their adult daughters and they hug and smile and show affection. My situation is just so not right....and it is really hard to accept...I know I am beginning to accept it...it just has taken a very long time because a situation that you can just not make ok anyway in your mind is a very hard thing to live through in a lifetime. Wow...I guess I needed to vent. Insomnia again...kicking me and of course...no sleep equals way more worry and way less logic. Time to try and at least get a few hours in. Take Care everyone.

[tude]

Pandora, I thought if I set boundaries with my mom, distanced myself emotionally, minded my own business in family arguements that had nothing to do with me, if I didn't share important details of my life, and accepted the fact I may never have the relationship I want with her, she could never hurt me again. I've learned that it doesn't work that way. I still hurt. It was so immense, I didn't know what to do with that hurt. It made me grateful for the loving relationships I do have.

[pandora]

Thanx Kathy and tude. I still don't feel strong enough to write again....just had my needles yesterday...again...so I can't sit too long.

I will start talking more in here and processing as soon as my back feels better. I have to pack too...that should hurt! ha ha

[Linda]

Hi Pandora,
I do not have nuch to say except for I am sorry to hear how your mother treats you. I have a sort of dysfunctional relationship with my own mom.
That sounds to me like your mother is trying to manipulate you and is an expert if finding your weak points. I unfortitatelly can not suggest anything to deal with that. It if of course difficult. But it looks like you are getting over it well.
Take care, and good luck
Linda

[pandora]

Thank you Linda! She has actually called sreeching leaving not nice messages on my phone mail....now I even hate to check my messages. She is just not a nice woman.

[hollyberry]

When I was going thru my deepest points these last few weeks...oh, how I wanted my mom...but I knew she could not give me what I needed....and I tryed so hard to do this with out hurting her.....but it was not possible for me.....last week one of those days when that anger came up...I called my mother.....I had been taught anger was one of those emotions I was not allowed to have.....I wish now I had listened to my t....my poor mother is close to 80...she did not need to be hurt with my words of anger in order for me to heal.....yes I needed to be pissed at her...yes I needed to get mad and feel that hurt towards her...yes I needed to hate her for awhile but she is my mother I will always love her

I needed to get out of that denial.....(what does denial mean)Don't Even kNow I Am Lieing...I thought for so many years I had gotten mad at my mother...I thought I had let this anger out.....boy was I wrong...For my mom she hasn't been meaning to hurt me with her words these last 15 or so years....She's just is reacting to her guilt, her regret...who among us really like to be told of our mistakes...I know I am not looking forward to the day when my 23 year old son gets out of his denial and attacks us because we did not protect him when he was 6 years old and we were so stupid to let him go play with that older boy.... you have all taught me that I made mistakes...I am not a failure....then niether is my mother a failure....if my mistakes are not failures....then my mothers mistakes can not be failures

my mother wishes she could go back in time and fix what she has done....just as I wish I could fix my mistakes.....Our mistakes may be major in our childrens lives but it is never to late...for us to repair our relationships that are supose to be unconditional.....the love a parent has with its child is unconditional...why then are we always putting conditions on it.....we are not perfect, nor are our children, or our parents.....all mistakes you have said to me are forgiveable....If I have to forgive myself....then I must forgive my parents mistakes they made in my life.....there is only one being that is perfect....and his love is unconditional ....but we are always putting conditions on our childrens love and parents love....why....

[pandora]

Thanx HB,,,maybe write a letter but don't actually send it. I am working on that with my therapist. Some woman were not meant to be mothers and unfortunately a lot of people on the forum have this too. I find it awful, I will NEVER treat my son like she treats me....NEVER!