I Am Crying Rivers of Tears

[Grama-Herc]

Well, the shock of hearing from my daughter is beginning to wear off and the reality of how my life changed in the blink of an eye is beginning to sink in.

I am so full of conflicting emotions that I feel like my head could simply explode. I can't rid myself of this intense headache I've had for days.

I know what is causing this headache, I just don't know how to release the pressure inside my head. I need to cry rivers of tears and release years of fears but they just won't come. I have stuffed these emotions so deep and for so long that now I can't pull them up from the depth of my soul.

I begin to cry, thinking I will finally rid myself of all the severely mixed emotions, then I quit crying. I guess my mind is doing what I trained it to do, which is to stuff "ANY" and "ALL" emotions relating to my daughter. I wish I could rid myself of the intense pain that has built up inside of me, and, I must release the intense emotions before I can move on.

I would never forgive myself I damaged or harmed the new found relaionship between us. I guess if I am honmest with myself I have to say "I am terrified to the depth of my soull that I am going to do or say something wrong and she will go away again" I could not handle loosing her again, especially now with the baby. That terrifies me! What if I screw up and loose her again????

AH! Those what ifs ! ! ! Those dangerous and ever present "WHAT IFS" They can be so intrusive and distructive! ! ! ! How do you make these guys go away?

Grama Herc is in need of so intense answers Help me guys

[hollyberry]

I can't give you any advice on how to do get all that emotion out right, only know how to do it wrong and don't think you need to know that. One thing I learned when my youngest grandchild was born is I can't expect for parents to do something, because I think they should. I learned that unmet expectations only lead to resentments.

Did want to say I totatly understand that cloud you've been on. Being a grandparent has been the biggest joy of my life. I have three. Tyler is 5, Laila is 3, and peyton is 1. I've missed seeing you these past few days online

[Kathy]

From Jim's and mine's experience of losing Evie and then being reunited with her, I relate to your feelings only too well Herc. It is normal and expected to feel as you do. Though with PTSD added to the mix I imagine everything must be that much more intense for you. To this day I sometimes still worry Evie will run off again. In fact she did run once, after Brian's death. Thankfully she came to her senses and rung us after only a few hours of being gone, however they felt like the longest hours of my life.

As difficult as it is Herc, your daughter is an adult and therefore capable of making her own choices, good and bad. As an adult there is a possibility she may choose to sever the relationship once more. I well understand how frightening it is to think of that, however it is the truth, she has that ability and that right, and you need to accept that for your peace of mind. Obviously though I hope it does not happen!

Have you considered being honest with her, telling her how afraid you are to lose her again? I am not saying to do so immediately, that may be too difficult at this point. However as you develop a relationship with her, it is important to be honest. Let her know how you feel. Evie knows that we would be incredibly hurt if she ran off again. In all honesty I believe that has kept her from leaving in some instances where she was tempted to run.

The more you are open and honest with your daughter, the more you strive to have a good relationship with her, the chances of her severing ties again will lessen. You must be honest, share your feelings, and respect her boundaries. All of these things will take time and patience, and you may feel very frightened along the way. I wish you all the best Herc, take good care and keep writing here as much as you need to.

[2quilt]

I agree, be really honest, and give each other time to talk, and time to process what you have said to each other. That may take overnight, a few days, saying the same thing again in a different way, you know. Reassure each other.

Also, I may know why your head hurts so bad. I saw a story on TV that said that all tears are not the same: happy tears are made up of a different chemical than sad tears. Tears from sadness release toxins from the body and that is why you can feel so much better after a good cry.
Find a quiet place, be alone and talk to your daughter out loud as if she were there with you. tell her what you want to say to her, and let it all go. Get a soft toy to talk to or hold on to, or a blanket, or a pillow. If you need to, turn on the stereo to drown your voice out so the neighbors don't hear your words. Do whatever you need to make yourself comfortable so that you can start talking to your daughter and cry out the toxin. If you can't cry, drink lots of water to dilute your body. That will help get the toxins out. As you can imagine, you are overwhelmed with stress right now, and your adrenaline is on overload, and the toxins are building up so that's where the headache is coming from. If you can find an acupuncturist, I recommend that too. Acupuncture is great.

[She Cat]

Herc,

Yes, I too understand your fears. Been there, done that. Your daughter may very well have those same fears too. She may fear saying something wrong, or stepping on your toes too. Fearful that you may pull away.

It's going to be hard, both of you have changed, grown, and developed separate lives, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a loving relationship.

Herc, share your fears with her. let her know how you feel, how frightened you are, and see if the both of you can't come to some sort of understanding on just how to restart this relationship based on true feelings, honesty, and openness.......

Hang in there hon.....You can do this, as scary as it seems. I have faith in you.

[Jim]

Very emotional situation, difficult to get over the fear that your daughter will disappear again. However. I agree with what everyone is saying here Herc. Be honest with your daughter. You have a fresh start with her, that's rare. Make the most of it. The better your relationship is with her, less chance you will be separated again. All the best, take good care.

Jim.

[Grama-Herc]

Sorry to report no tears yet. I have spent so many years training my mind and body to stuff any emotion regarding my daughter that now I can't get the pain out. I HAVE TO! I MUST! This kind of internal pain can be very volitale! This is what causes ourburst of anger at very inopportune times. Still have my headache, but my breathing is a little better.

2Quilt---- you gave me very good information and suggestions on how to get these emotions out. I thank you for that, but I just sit there smiling and saying "I'm a grama, she is safe and does not hate me". I will not give up. I will get these feelings out of my soul. So far this week I have been required to leave the house everyday, I want to be able to shut myself up in my room and not come out untill this emotional purge is over! No interuptions please! No trip to the store, the beauty parlor, the church or the doctor. I plan on getting MUM settled into something that will keep her busy and then concentrate on my purge. Today, we go to the beautyh parlor to get her hair cut. But starting tomorrow I have "ZERO" places to go.

Thursday morning I am going to begin the task of purgeing my mind and soul fo the toxic emotions stuffed into the deepest part of my being. Just hope I come out the other side all right! Now is no time to come unglued and loose control. Well, wish me luck guys. Will check in when the emotional ride is over. Hopefully sooner, but one never knows, so don't worry. Got MUM on Herc Watch, so she has my back and a really good phone number to call just in case.

Sorry, don't mean to be such a drama queen but damn------this is gonig to be very hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[batgirl]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time Herc. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading this thread as I am on the opposite end of things... I am the person who ran off and made my family worry for 5 years. So it's hard to read some of the pain and fears that causes. I will say though, as others have said, be as honest and open with your daughter as you can. Tell her that you feel afraid and so on, I know firsthand, it really has made a difference for me. It's been really important for me to realize the impact I have on my family and the hurt I would cause if I cut contact again. It's not easy to hear but it does make me think twice before I would do anything rash like that again. And the closer I am getting to my family, the more I don't want to leave them. Anyways take care and I really hope it all works out for the best for you!

[Grama-Herc]

Batgirl

I hope that my thread has helped you and maybe others like you. I know it must have been difficult for you to hear these things, but helpfull! You are brave and strong and I wish you all the best Grama Herc

[batgirl]

Thanks Herc (or should I say Grama Herc haha), yes this thread has helped me. I hope you enjoy your grandchild. I know Mum really loves my nephews a lot.

[Grama-Herc]

Het Girl!

Got questions for you but don't want to get to nosey or step on your privacy toes. If your family approves, I would like to do PM's with you on some of my questions. They can watch(listen) to us if you or they desire.

Since you are on the other side of this coin--so to speak--I think you could be a huge help to me in navigating the tangled web my daughter and I have woven over the last 10 years.

I hope you can help, but if you elect to not do this PLEASE know I will understand

GRAMA HERC

[batgirl]

Sure, that would be fine Herc. Though if you are comfortable with it, maybe you want to ask me the questions publicly, in case others would like to know the answers too? I am okay with answering publicly on here. But if you prefer PMs that's okay too. Up to you.

[Grama-Herc]

Well, girl then publically we go. I was just thinking about you! When you were gone, how did youj feel about your parents? We you angry? did youj miss them? How hard was it for you to reconnect with them? I just want to crawl inside your mind and learn every emotion you had.

While I am sure there is no comparison between your situation and my daughter's I still feel that you had emotions during your experience that are similar.

Anything you can share would mean the world to me Grama Herc

[batgirl]

Okay, I will try to answer to the best of my ability. First though Herc, I guess I should say... I didn't consider this before, but... my answers may not be anywhere near what is going on with your daughter. I say that because I ran away a few weeks after my trauma occurred (I was shot and witnessed a murder/suicide in my family, in case you didn't know). My running off had to do largely with my PTSD. So the dynamics might be fairly different than with your daughter.

When I ran, initially it was because I couldn't handle my feelings about what happened to me, at that time I blamed myself for the shooting and not being able to save the life of my little stepbrother especially. He was 9 years old when he was shot and killed and I was a teenager, I felt I should have protected him. Additionally my family reminded me of the trauma in many ways and I didn't want any part of that.

Once I ran off, I was really on the run, because I was still underage at the time and my family had the authorities after me. I was very angry with them for trying to track me down. I cursed them a lot. I had to move several times to avoid them, they got close to catching me on several occasions. I managed to avoid them though. I hated them more and more each time they tried to catch me, it had the efffect of pushing me away even further.

After about 4 years of running though, I did start to feel really guilty for what I had done. The guilt was pretty unbearable at times, it even made me suicidal on a couple of occasions. I engaged in a lot of risk-taking behaviours. I stuffed my feelings, I even made up a "fake" life in my mind in an effort to avoid thinking about them. Additionally I felt they must be really upset with me and not want me anymore, so what was the point of even trying to contact them again. I was worried about being rejected, and I felt they had the right to reject me. I was sorry for what I'd done but didn't really see how they could ever forgive me. I just kind of hoped they would forget about me. At this point I was still blaming myself for the shooting too, so I felt, how could I go home when I was the cause of so much suffering in the family?

Reconnecting with them (initially) was easier than I thought. I guess it was just "the right time". I was ready and open to it. I have to give some credit to the forum and Anthony for that too. See when I joined the forum, I was still separated from them and they still didn't know where I was. Shortly after joining though, Dad (Jim) was trying to contact me through a friend of mine. He had found her and knew that she knew where I was. I had started a diary by that point and was beginning to examine myself and my trauma. I mentioned Jim trying to contact me, I started a thread about it here on the forum. Honestly I don't remember quite how it happened, but I do know that Anthony convinced me to telephone him and the support I received here from Anthony and others gave me the courage to do so. Shortly afterwards I became very physically ill (it was a long time coming, I had been neglecting my body for 5 years and internalizing all my trauma feelings). So, since I had contacted my family again, I asked them for help, and to my surprise they flew out to be with me immediately. I honestly had completely forgotten they cared that much. In my thread about Jim contacting me, it's weird to read now... it reads as though I am lying almost, though I wasn't. Just because the way I describe Jim and Kathy in that thread... I wrote about them like they were strangers almost... I had totally forgotten (or buried my feelings, whatever) about how close we really were my entire life, pre-trauma.

Since being reunited it's been a struggle, we've all had to work really hard to get along and adjust to each other. I credit our success to the fact that we've all been willing to learn, talk, compromise and so on. I don't think it would have been possible otherwise. That's why I think it's really important for you to be honest with your daughter too. It's taken me months to really trust my family again but it's been worth it. I now live with my family, again because of my poor physical condition. Honestly I don't know what I'd do without them at this point.

I don't know if that helps at all Herc. Sorry I got so long winded too! :p If you have any other questions feel free to ask me.

[Grama-Herc]

Young lady you answered my questions and so much more. You should be very proud of yoursel for everything you have accomplished. You should also be proud of the help you are giving me. I now have a much clearer picture of my daughters emotions and feelings because of you. You simply explained everything my daughter tryed to put into words but couldn't.

Everything you have explained--she tryed to tell me--it is just that her emotions got in the way. Some feelings and pains are the same no matter the cause.

I may have more questions later--????--but for now you have helped more than you will ever know. You have helped heal a family you don't even know. That is quite an accomplishment. Be proud! I will always be grateful for you and your family and the way you have helped me through the beginning stages of geting my daughter back.

Words can not express the gratitude I feel. Honey, if I may call you that, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU Grama Herc

[batgirl]

Thanks Herc, I'm really glad it helped you! Makes me feel good too, to know I've done something good. I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately so it cheers me up to know that I've helped.

[Grama-Herc]

OK kid Got another question!!!!!

It has been a little over a week since my daughter called and I need to know if I would be to pushy if I called her this afternoon with some questions(general type-was baby healthy, how is she feeling, more info about my new son-in-law--stuff like that)!

Can you tell I am scared to death to call her? I am fairly sure that this is a normal response under the circumstances, don't ya know! So go for it kid, help out the ole lady again.

THANX GRAMA HERC

[batgirl]

I don't think it's too soon. Once a week really isn't that often in my opinion. Of course she may have different boundaries than me, but I think once a week is pretty standard. I know in my family we call out of town family (who we are close with) once a week generally, usually on Sundays. Sorry you feel scared to call her, I understand that, but I would try to push through the fear and do it anyhow. Good luck.

[Grama-Herc]

THANX:hello: