txmomof3
29-11-2007, 02:31 AM
The past couple of weeks have been more difficult than I anticipated. I had a panic attack at my nutrutionist appointment the week before Thanksgiving...which I did not think was going to be a very triggering holiday. I realized then that it was going to be more difficult than I thought...but was still in denial about what was coming up.
With an eating disorder, Thanksgiving is difficult enough since a majority of the day is centered around food. Being in fairly solid recovery, I thought it would not be a big deal. What I didn't think about was that Thanksgiving is my dad's favorite holiday (we have not spoken in 8 years) and that the last Thanksgiving we spent together before my parents split REALLY sucked. So, Thanksgiving triggers me...took me long enough to figure that out.
Until 4 years ago, my main source of coping was going to school or working. During Thanksgiving weekend of 2003, I felt horrible and had been feeling progressively worse for about 2 months. I went shopping on the day after Thanksgiving (a tradition my mom and I have) that year and only lasted a couple of hours. On Sunday of that weekend, we put up our Christmas tree for the first time in our new house. My husband and I had just had our dream family house built and moved in the month before. I could do nothing but sit on the couch and direct the decorating. I was extremely frustrated at just how bad I felt...and thought I was just making it all up in my head.
I woke up the Monday after Thanksgiving (Dec 1, 2003) thinking I was having a heart attack. My husband took me to the ER and I found out I had pericarditis from rheumatic fever and had to stay in the hospital for 6 days. I ended up being hospitalized most of December that year and was forced by my husband and the Dean of the nursing school where I taught to take the Spring semester off.
Back to this year...
I did not realize until this week how much taking away my work identity affected me. Sunday night I had a minor breakdown and things started flashing that I have not thought about in a long time. I am working so hard to stay away from my self-destructive behaviors...but it is really hard right now. I emailed my therapist yesterday and asked for an extra appointment this week. Fortunately, she will be able to see me on Saturday...which is December 1st.
I have been saying that I want to feel..but now I am not so sure.
With an eating disorder, Thanksgiving is difficult enough since a majority of the day is centered around food. Being in fairly solid recovery, I thought it would not be a big deal. What I didn't think about was that Thanksgiving is my dad's favorite holiday (we have not spoken in 8 years) and that the last Thanksgiving we spent together before my parents split REALLY sucked. So, Thanksgiving triggers me...took me long enough to figure that out.
Until 4 years ago, my main source of coping was going to school or working. During Thanksgiving weekend of 2003, I felt horrible and had been feeling progressively worse for about 2 months. I went shopping on the day after Thanksgiving (a tradition my mom and I have) that year and only lasted a couple of hours. On Sunday of that weekend, we put up our Christmas tree for the first time in our new house. My husband and I had just had our dream family house built and moved in the month before. I could do nothing but sit on the couch and direct the decorating. I was extremely frustrated at just how bad I felt...and thought I was just making it all up in my head.
I woke up the Monday after Thanksgiving (Dec 1, 2003) thinking I was having a heart attack. My husband took me to the ER and I found out I had pericarditis from rheumatic fever and had to stay in the hospital for 6 days. I ended up being hospitalized most of December that year and was forced by my husband and the Dean of the nursing school where I taught to take the Spring semester off.
Back to this year...
I did not realize until this week how much taking away my work identity affected me. Sunday night I had a minor breakdown and things started flashing that I have not thought about in a long time. I am working so hard to stay away from my self-destructive behaviors...but it is really hard right now. I emailed my therapist yesterday and asked for an extra appointment this week. Fortunately, she will be able to see me on Saturday...which is December 1st.
I have been saying that I want to feel..but now I am not so sure.