Do You Ask For Help When Ill?

[batgirl]

I don't know if I worded the title of this poll correctly, but basically, the sicker I am, the less I ask for help. I see lots of people on the forum here and also when I've been in hospital and group therapy, seem to be very good at asking for help or attention. I am the exact opposite. I don't ask for help at all most times, even of my family. My psychiatrist recently said I was the kind of patient he really worries about, because I rarely complain. Honestly when I'm really sick, I don't have the energy to even articulate what I'm feeling. I totally withdraw. I am the same with physical pain and sickness. I don't mention it or complain at all. In hospital, the nurses always consider me to be such an easy patient, so brave. Most of the time I wait way too long before telling my family that I am in pain and need to see the doctor. If I tell them at all that is. Sometimes I just collapse and they have to rush me into hospital. Anyways I'm starting to feel like a space alien because lots seem to have no trouble asking for help. I'm hoping a few of you are like me maybe?

[anthony]

Whilst I chose the first option, being the same as you Evie, I chose that option because most of what you say I do, being I do suffer in physical pain and not bother people, though I also have a high pain tolerance when I want too. Saying that however; I learnt that I must articulate myself when it comes to the mental issues due to the severity. If you know and understand the severity Evie, which I know you do from both Eric and Brian's death, then you will take responsibility for your own actions surrounding your own mental health, regardless what your brain is telling you, you still have a choice.

It is not PTSD's fault for you not speaking up and saying you are ill. Whilst Jim and Kathy likely know it before you do, when you do know it you must teach yourself to and accept the responsibility to ask for help. Whether that be to help you rest, do something or take you to the hospital if you believe you need it, you must take responsibility for this, just as I had too also learn and not fall back and blame my PTSD for.

I still personally struggle at times Evie, however; if suicidal ideation comes to my mind it doesn't take me long to begin talking about it, letting people know its in my head. Whilst that has only been once in the last couple of years, being just the other week, I still spoke about it within a short period of time before it escalated beyond just thoughts. When I do not feel well and just need to rest, I ensure those around me know and that I am going to rest, whether they like it or not, I must ensure and take responsibility for myself to do this, and the only way others know Evie is to just voice what is wrong. You don't necessarily have to go into detail because you may not know it or understand it yourself, but a simple "I am not feeling well and am going to go have a sleep to feel better" statement is all that's needed. Once you sleep and if you feel better, then make yourself talk about the pain you feel, felt, or whatever was bothering you.

I understand what your saying about not wanting to bother people, feeling like a burden at times even, though you must take responsibility for your part in helping yourself.

[kers]

I understand the importance of me taking responsiblity for myself and my health by asking for help when I am dooing poorly.

My problem is, I don't know what kind of help to ask for. When my friends say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," even if I feel totally torn up inside, I have no idea how to reply.

[hodge]

I think a couple of years ago I would have answered "I rarely ask for help," because I was so used to coping and pushing myself for so much of my adult life, no matter what. But since the ptsd has really gotten a grip on me, I am getting better at asking for help - at least when I know I need help. I don't always do that as soon as I should, but I'm trying to learn.

The latest trick for me is to recognize when I need help. Before I broke down last week, I didn't even see it coming, so I'm trying to go back and take note of everything that led up to it so that I can get better at avoiding another big crash, including asking for help before it's so bad.

[Marlene]

I have always had trouble asking for help. I've felt that I should be able to do everything myself and asking for help makes me weak. Now I'm getting past that and asking my family for help when I'm at a point that I just can't do something. That's a lot of progress for me.

As to talking about when I'm feeling mentally bad and letting others know what's going on in my head...that's still a work in progress. Very little progress right now. Although my family knows that something's wrong with me and respond by keeping a closer eye on me and keeping physically close to me. I still have so much trouble expressing myself (verbally) to anyone about how I feel.

Lisa

[Awakening]

Evie, this is a really good poll, I'm just not sure how to answer & you have given me some food for thought.

Physically, I never used to see a doctor and my doctor at the time used to comment on how 'out of tune' I was with my own body. I'd say I have a sniffle and it would turn out to be bronchitis, sinusitis & dehydration. That was before my PTSD diagnosis.

I now see a different doctor (post PTSD diagnosis) and I swear any niggle or headache or stomach cramp and I'm at the doctors office. Neck pain, I'm off seeing a physio, a chiro a masseuse.

Yet emotionally/mentally I really struggle to ask for help. Like Kers, I'm not sure what the hell I meant to ask for. If I am bleeding, I'd ask for a bandaid. I don't usually ask for help (whether it's speak to my husband or call my therapist) until it's suicide ideation and/or severe in bed depression.

But second to that, is if I get help i.e. have a therapy appointment 9 times out of ten I won't actually articulate what I need or why I'm there, I simply shutdown.

My therapist often says 'ask for what you need','what do you need right now'. And I have no idea.

So if I was to chose I'd say physically I ask for a lot of help, and emotionally if its gets to a certain point, yes I'd ask for help.

[batgirl]

Thanks everyone for the responses, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Anthony, I understand the responsibility part and I can work on that, but another part of the problem, which maybe I didn't explain, is that I'm not always aware that I need help. That's mental or physical. Half the time I'm really not aware of my body or my feelings. Like you I think I must have a high pain threshhold, or maybe I'm numb to the pain. Getting IVs for example. Most people hate that. I've had so many because of the cancer treatment... I've had them in weird places too like my head and my neck because my other veins have collapsed. Anyways the point is, the nurses are always amazed because I don't even flinch. To be honest sometimes I don't even feel the needle going in... Or, another example, I used to go 2-3 days without eating and not even realize it until I collapsed because my body ran out of energy. I forgot about eating, and I didn't feel hungry. Now I write notes to myself as reminders, plus I try to eat most meals with my family.

And when I do finally do realize something is wrong, I feel like it's not really that bad so not worth complaining about, if that makes any sense. I suppose though when I do realize it, I could tell my parents anyhow. They could decide if its serious or not. But I guess my point in all this is, half of the time I'm not choosing to not say anything, I just don't realize I'm sick, and I really don't know how to fix that part.

[Claire]

I never used to ask for help at all. Now I'm better at it but generally only when things are really, really bad and only then from people I know get this stuff.

[nie]

Voicing my needs is what I am currently focusing on in therapy. I would say that I am still not good at it. I don't like to show weakness, and I feel like I should be able to everything myself. This is a behavior that was learned for survival, but now I am learning that it is hindering too. I am trying to be better about asking for help.

[Awakening]

Half the time I'm really not aware of my body or my feelings.

Evie, I think you've stumbled on an important point here. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think it might be important to address. Perhaps you are dissociating alot, and maybe you need to do some grounding techniques daily?

For me, grounding & meditation helped me become more in tune with my body & mind.

[batgirl]

Thanks Awakening, good point, maybe I should try grounding exercises. I could very well be dissociating, without realizing it. I've actually never concentrated much on dissociating as a symptom, partly because I have autism. Autism causes you to be kind of "in your head" a lot of the time and in some instances I find it difficult to distinguish what is autism and what is PTSD. I've tried to do some research on it, looking for others who have both conditions like me, but so far I haven't come up with anything. Maybe I need to write some stuff myself!

[reallydown]

I also chose the first option...but then I've always been very independent so maybe that's it...

[grace5555]

Evie,

You are not alone in this. I have the hardest time asking for help when I need it the most. I would rather just shut down and go away from everyone and everything whether it is from the physical or psychological pain either one. I guess it goes back to accepting that I truly am ill. =\

Grace

[batgirl]

Yeah it's really hard isn't it?? Still working on it myself, it never seems to get any easier. Nice to know I'm not alone though.

[pandora]

Hi Evie...I have often thought that it must be extremely hard and challenging for you having both. As you know my son has autism and I have PTSD... a lot of the same symptoms that must be hard for you to distinguish between. You are doing a great job though! You are definately a strong woman.

[mightsurvive]

I very rarely ask for help unless its way too late. I never ask friends or family for help. I don't want to burdon them and they don't understand what it feels like anyway (i'm glad for them that they don't know) no matter how much they want to help. The only place I would feel more comfortable asking for help is on this site and a website that I use that is for people who have gone through the same type of trauma as me...both places where people understand. On the other hand I hate brining people down and having people feel sorry for me no matter where I am so I put on my superwoman outfit and smile most of the time even when i'm crying on the inside.

[ruddy]

I chose option 2. It is difficult for me to ask for help and I am most often motivated to do so because I am feeling so rotten physically or emotionally that it is interfering with my ability to work.

[waif123]

I used to never, ever ask for help, but as I have gone on in therapy, I have found to keep my head above the water, I need to ask. It still isn't easy, buy I know I need to do it to care for myself

[anthony]

Well said Waif, and great to see you do acknowledge the importance of your own actions, being to talk, be honest with others and yourself, to get it out of you. Well done Waif....

[2quilt]

I knew within 12 hours when I became pregnant when I was 21. My boyfriend thought I was nuts, but I swore that I knew that something was different and that my uterus and my hormones were doing something strange. When I have a drug interaction, or come down with a cold or bronchitis, which i have now, I know it immediately. I also ask for medical help when I think that my psych drugs need to be adjusted. I have no pain tolerance at all, but that may be because of my rare disease, Ehlers-Danlos. My joints dislocate spontaneously. I am good at asking for help because I know that the sooner I get help, the sooner the pain will stop. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

[TaraJ]

A few times, I was lying in my bed almost deathly ill.
I had a fever of 104 and I couldn't move, but I didn't want to ask for help, because I felt pathetic. My boyfriend has always been so good to me, but he refuses to lean on me, so I was afraid to lean on him..for fear he might think I'm weak. So I just lay there alone, and stayed sick. Eventually, I was able to force myself out of bed and go to work, although I was still so very sick. He was upset that I was going to work so sick, but I felt I had to. As it turned out, I had such a high fever that I was becoming delirious, and found that I was supposed to be at school rather than work. I got in trouble for it, but I eventually made them understand what kind of shape I was in at the time.

[anthony]

Welcome Tara....

[Cindy]

I don't ask for help because I never know what to say. I also am too proud, I have to do it myself! Stupid. I don't want to appear weak - you're right.

I do have to address this. Not why, but how do I reframe it and change my behaviors. It's like I don't want to express what is hurting me because it makes it reality. I also hurt more sharing and it lasts longer.

Oh, no, time to work again.

Anthony, you are absolutely right it is our responsibility to the few people we have in our life we care for. Or rather only one, my adult daughter.

[Jet]

I am rarely able to ask for help. There have been many times when I wished I could or when I should have that I have simply not been able to get the words out of my mouth.

My role in the family was that of the strong one. I was the one everybody leaned on, even as a kid. My feelings, wounds and hurts held little importance to everyone else's and I learned early to put them on the back burner.

[JustJane]

My firm answer is no. When there is no choice and I am afraid something might actually be broken, I'll go to the ER, by driving myself.

Once, a few years ago, I did something in the barn and thought I had broken my ankle. With any kind of "ouch" my rule is to elevate it where possible, assess the amount of pain it feels on the 1-10 scale. Count slowly to 20, then to 50, then to 75 and finally 100 and assess it again at each interval. If at 20 or 50 there is no change, I'll take a tylenol or something similar before continuing the count. At 100, the pain was still 11.

My car was a pickup truck with manual transmission. There was no way I could shift, much less drive myself to the hospital. An ambulance was out of the question. 911 is not in my vocabulary - what if someone else in the area needed an ambulance while they were transporting me? I couldn't live with myself.

The next farm over was a cattle rancher and always home, as was his wife. I didn't really know them very well. We'd wave when we saw each other out but that was about it. I recall debating for over an hour (after the count) about calling them to ask if they would take me to the hospital. I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When I did finally call and explained what I had done, they dropped the phone. Oh gosh, I knew I shouldn't have called. What other options were there? I was in a poor dirt-farmer community 10 miles from the nearest city. Who could I call? I tried to call the cattle rancher again to apologize and there was no answer. Then there was a knock at the door, immediately follwed by a man's voice, "Can you get to the door or do you need help? I got help here..." The cattle rancher, his wife and adult son dropped whatever they had been doing, got into their truck and came over to take me to the hospital.

It wasn't broken.

[Cindy]

assess the amount of pain it feels on the 1-10 scale. Count slowly to 20, then to 50, then to 75 and finally 100 and assess it again at each interval. If at 20 or 50 there is no change, I'll take a tylenol or something similar before continuing the count. At 100, the pain was still 11.

An ambulance was out of the question. 911 is not in my vocabulary - what if someone else in the area needed an ambulance while they were transporting me? I couldn't live with myself.

I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.


This is so funny (not really) but I can totally relate. I have also driven myself to the docter's with my stick shift and a cut on my shifting hand where I could only stop the bleeding with direct pressure. OK - two handed shifting OOP's back to the steering wheel. HA, got there some how.

Why are we this way? We aren't entitled to the same services as anyone else? Bullsh##. But, It is what it is ... until we decide to process it and change. I'm still not ready to do that either, yet. Someday I'll get to the bottom of my list where this little ditty exists.

[JustJane]

Why are we this way? We aren't entitled to the same services as anyone else? Bullsh##. But, It is what it is ... until we decide to process it and change. I'm still not ready to do that either, yet. Someday I'll get to the bottom of my list where this little ditty exists.
My question is this: Is it so rare? Is it part of PTSD? Is it pride? Is it the inability to admit we need help? Is it something else?

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

But it's not just illness or injury. When one of the hurricanes was bearing down on us with my farm right in the projected path (as was the whole state), I needed to put my truck in the middle of the pasture. Of course, that was when I was nursing a torn rotor cuff in my right shoulder and my right arm was nearly useless. Yup, same standard shift truck needed to be put out to pasture before the hurricane came. I could have asked the cattle rancher or his wife or his son....

I got it out there but sure hope nobody was watching. You can't fake when a full size pickup stalls out on you. It's blatantly obvious. Again and again and again.

[Cindy]

Last week I became very ill at work and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I live alone (suprise, suprise) and she insisted on calling my daughter (not real close, and definite trust issues) I told her she could. I felt I should open the door once more and give it a try again, to let her in. I anticipated her arrival at the ER as I recieved my second shot of morphine in the IV. She never arrived. No one came, except a stranger I started working with two weeks ago. What an eye opener. I did get home that night very late after a taxi ride to my car and a 30 mile drive with residual morphine in a hospital gown.

The next morning I was roused with a phone call from my daughter - She was blasting me because I didn't return her calls from the hospital. OK, no cell phones, no messages from her, and I was in extreme pain with morphine. Hmmm? Because I did not respond to her remarks with other than a, oh, she then went off on me again about having an attitude with her. OK ... I simply ended the conversation and returned to sleep. Do you think she may have been a little defensive?

Next installment, all the you should haves, I couldn't because, next time you better .... "talk to you later kate." Next, We need to talk about this before it wrecks our dinner with my boyfriend tomorrow. Again, meeting her needs her schedule.

OK, Doors closed and locked again. Ask for help? Why - it only gave me grief and pain. Atleast if I don't ask I will have no expectations and know I am dealing with it solo.