Seeing Failure as a Positive?

[nathan]

just wondering if anyone else here sees there failures as a positive. im typically a control freak and am terrified of failing, meaning losing control, letting people down, not doing things the right way the first time. lately though im realizing that failure is a very good thing as long as you pick yourself up and try again. i think failure paves the road to success and strength. one of my favorite quotes is from bruce lee "to except defeat, to learn to die, is to be liberated from it." maybe by learning how to fail, im actually liberating myself. how awesome would that be? if this doesnt make sense, just let me know. im more than happy to clarify.

nate

[Claire]

Hello Nate, yes I understand and agree although its a hard lesson to learn. I'm pretty independent by nature and learning to fall, as you say, can to a way of learning how to look after yourself better.

[She Cat]

Nathan,

I agree with you also. We can't control everything. Failing to me, means that I am human and make mistakes.

Giving up control was very hard, but also very helpful. It lifted great burdens for me, and allowed me to have less stress, and worry.

When I finally gave up control, I learned this....While trying to be in control all of the time, actually it was because I was so OUT OF CONTROL of myself.

This may be the turning point for you also... That you are finally getting yourself in control, and therefore letting go of trying to be in control of everything.

I think this is a very positive thing for you to have recognized.... Good work!!!!!!

[hollyberry]

Nathan , Yes I do agree with you. I felt so much of a failure when I was not able to keep all of my past issues stuffed till after the holidays.....It took me a few days of crying, remembering and feeling a whole lot of emotions, But now I see that letting all of this out, is going to be really postive in my life. At times it has felt so overwelming and I didn't know if I could do it, but as I have started this journey and started walking through the pain, oh the relief I have gotten. I know its going to be a long journey but I will survive all of it.......as we all will, one baby step at a time.

[vera]

i know what you mean, nathan.

as a child i was raised with the message that, because i was a "special kid" (i was a talented brat, i must admit) things were easier for me than for the other kids. i was not average. i would never be average. being average would be failing my family and myself. things were not supposed to be hard for me.

it has fvcked my head in unimaginable ways. to this day i feel like if i'm not better than everyone else it means i'm worse than everybody. like getting what i want should not mean effort to me, because i'm a "special girl".

i'm working on it right now... working on failing better. being ok with failing, sad because i wanted something that i couldn't get , but not feeling worthless.

i'm finding failing well harder than succeeding well.

[hollyberry]

feel like if i'm not better than everyone else it means i'm worse than everybody.


omg..........that is how I feel. And I didn't know I felt that way till you said it..Thank you Vera. Thank you so very much

[tude]

Nathan, great question for the ages...Thank you for bringing it up.
For myself I have had to re-evaluate for myself what does it mean to be a success and strong. Lately, my challenge has been personal strength. Recently, I have discovered in myself a different kind of strength unfamiliar to me- strength even in weakness. Also, a re-occuring lesson I have yet to grasp is the strength and courage to be less so damn self-reliant.

[nathan]

thank you everyone, for the great replies. its interesting how different we all are, even in this aspect. vera, i get what your talking about although i have had pretty much the opposite experience. my family set me up to fail, and then when i did they would tear me apart, and because of that i became terrified of failing and became a control freak. now when i fail i can take comfort in it, because i know i am strong enough to survive it.

take care,
nate

[batgirl]

I don't like the word "failure" (I prefer to just say "mistake") but I do know what you mean Nathan, and I agree. I am a real perfectionist myself and I hate making mistakes. When I do make them though, and I accept it, it has been a great learning experience for me. I'm actually feeling more at peace with myself since allowing myself to be human. This is a great topic, thanks for starting it.

[nathan]

hi evie, the reason i chose to use the word failure is because its regarded as a negative word for what most people consider a negative experience. what i want to do is disarm the negativity associated with the meaning. when thats done, whats left to fear?:wink:

[batgirl]

Oh okay well I see your point then. :) I definitely have trouble with the word myself!

[dshanks]

I can completely relate about being terrified to fail and being a control freak. All I know is that due to my numerous failures I became a stronger person . That is pretty positive although, at the time, it didn t seem very positive. We learn by our mistakes:smile:

[nathan]

that is exactly what im talking about. I can completely relate about being terrified to fail and being a control freak. All I know is that due to my numerous failures I became a stronger person . That is pretty positive although, at the time, it didn t seem very positive. We learn by our mistakes:smile:

[batgirl]

I said the same thing... I don't see the difference except that I don't like the word failure...

[nathan]

hey evie, didnt mean any disrespect. dshanks stated it so simply which is probably why i quoted her. didnt mean to play favorites, haha.

[Linda]

Hi Nathan,
IMO, it helps to think of a "failure" as rather of an "unsuccessfull try". And to remember that we still do have other tries.
No one is born skilled, and doing something inevidebly (hope I spelled it right!) means making mistakes. The good part of such mistakes or unsuccessfull tries is that we still gain some experience form them. We have an opportunity to think: what caused the mistake? What can I do to fix it? How can I improve my performance next time?
Nothing can be done perfect with a first try, but each time we can think of tha past experience and improve our work.
Take care,
Linda

[becvan]

I also prefer the word mistake.. because this is the meaning of failure:

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
fail·ure [feyl-yer]
–noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.
7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.


As you can see.. it is negative no matter what spin you put on it.

And this is the meaning of mistake:

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
mis·take [mi-steyk] noun, verb, -took, -tak·en, -tak·ing.
–noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
–verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
–verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.
—Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.

Mistakes are much more human no?

bec

[hollyberry]

but bec, a mistake is something you can usually fix within a reasonable amount of time. There is no way I can fix the damage I have done to my children because of my messed up thinking. I failed my children. I did a much better job then my mom but I still did a really bad job. I used drugs and my job to avoid my life...I worked all the time, instead of teaching my children the things they really needed to know. How can that simply be justifed as a mistake.

[batgirl]

hey evie, didnt mean any disrespect. dshanks stated it so simply which is probably why i quoted her. didnt mean to play favorites, haha.

Sorry nathan, I was having a very bad night, there's some serious stress in my family right now. I was being sensitive, you didn't do anything wrong.

Holly I disagree that a mistake has to be something short term. I ran away from my family for 5 years and I consider that a mistake. It's not a failure. It would only be a failure in my eyes if I never resolved the situation with them, stayed away forever. Additionally, having PTSD and the things I do because of that do not make me a failure. They make ill, I have an illness. I think that's where the word "failure" really bothers me. It's the flipside of being perfect. Like black and white type thinking really. If I'm not perfect, then I must be a failure kind of thing, if that makes any sense. I understand what you're saying about failing your children, you can't justify that no, but that's kind of an extreme example, most things we do in life are mistakes in my opinion.

[nathan]

hey evie, no worries. i figured thats what was going on. we all have our off days, i just had one on saturday.

[Linda]

Holliberry,
There are dpfferent kinds of mistakes. For instance, you can take a wrong road and follow it until totally lost.
But I would say that the failure is when you know the right way and can take it but still take a wrong one. Wjile a mistake is when you either do not know or unable to do something right.
Yes, consequences of mistakes can be bad (for example, those of doctor's mistakes), but, unfortunatelly, they are a part of life.
Take care,
Linda

[just tina]

I just failed two classes, after getting an invitation to an honor's society. Now I have gotten my first academic warning. That hurt, even though I had already accepted that I failed---which was hard to do.

I don't consider it a "success"---the F is for "failure"---but there's something comforting about knowing that I'm still standing. Not in good academic standing, but it didn't kill me. I'll just have to take the classes over and make better grades. I'm grateful that the program I'm in is forgiving me (this time) and the school takes the highest grade after I retake the classes.

Failing two classes made me take my PTSD relapse more seriously. Taking care of myself and balancing my life well enough to get good grades in those two classes is at least a concrete goal for pulling myself together. Only taking two classes, so I have time to go to the gym and counseling, and to study more than I would normally have to to get things.

Failure can be motivating, especially if you're stubborn, like I am.

[nathan]

hey tina, i was in a similar situation a couple years ago in my second semester of college. it was right before i learned that i had ptsd. my grades started slipping because i was having anxiety attacks during my midterms and i would withdraw and skip classes altogether. so i had to drop my classes. now after about two years i will be going back in january. im starting slow, probably one, maybe two music courses. my school was like yours in that they are forgiving and take the higher grade, so i dont think i really hurt myself academically. im pretty excited to be going back. apart from the panic attacks college was a very positive experience. im glad to hear that you are sticking it out despite the hardship. i think those kind of experiences are necessary to learn and grow as a human being. i wish you great luck and hope this time around goes better for you.

take care,
nate

[just tina]

Luck to you, Nate. My first college plan (way back in the eighties) was fine arts. Painting was great therapy. I loved it. Now I'm going for a horticulture degree and I love that too. It's hard to be confident, but I'm psyched about my degree. Scatterbrained but psyched.

Hope it goes well for you too. How are you dealing with the anxiety attacks? (If you don't mind my asking?)

[nathan]

Luck to you, Nate. My first college plan (way back in the eighties) was fine arts. Painting was great therapy. I loved it. Now I'm going for a horticulture degree and I love that too. It's hard to be confident, but I'm psyched about my degree. Scatterbrained but psyched.

Hope it goes well for you too. How are you dealing with the anxiety attacks? (If you don't mind my asking?)
the anxiety attacks seem to be getting much better. the last couple months ive been really working in therapy and am making much progress, however i have no idea how i will handle being back in school until im actually there. you know, i didnt even think about a fine arts degree. my guidance counselor recommended an AA which sounds terrible to me. so ill have to check into that.
i went up yesterday to sign up for classes and was very discouraged. i went into the office for students with disabilities and all the counselors were sitting at a table together talking and laughing. when i went in i was already nervous and when i started telling my counselor (in front of the other two counselors, who were staring at me) that i just wanted to take a few music courses, they started laughing at me. i thought i was just being paranoid but when i said i wanted a career teaching drums privately and didnt want to have to go through a two year program for an AA, they starting really laughing at me. so of course i just clammed up and walked out feeling idiotic and mortified. then i started getting angry, which lasted for an hour or two. after i calmed down i decided that it wasnt my fault that they are a**holes, and that if i cant go in through the front door then ill just have to find a side door. so thats where im at right now. hopefully ill find someone competent before the new semester starts and i can start my journey. thanks for mentioning the fine arts degree and for the warm wishes. hope you have a peaceful and stress free holiday.

nate

[just tina]

That's not pleasant, at all. I would have calmly, but firmly asked them what they were laughing about, and why it was interfering with their duties. If they were hitting the hookah, they wouldn't say so, but at least they would know they had a Blue Heeler (not gonna stand around barking, but I'll bite your a**) in the room and had better sober up.

That's just my style though.

I've had very good experiences with a disability office at the Community College I went to before transferring to this University. I made the error of not doing the disability paperwork for this school, last term. Need a quiet room for study and tests, extra test time (I erase more than I write), and grace with extra absences when I have sleep problems or am too emotional for anyone's good.

At first, I felt like a beggar, taking the paperwork to the instructors, but they were very gracious, and I didn't always require the special accommodations.

I don't know what kind of program you're in, but it sounds like you need an advocate who takes you seriously.