differentdena
05-12-2007, 05:43 AM
Hi, Im new to here... my counsler suggested that i look for some support online so here i am. Im turnin 19 next month and here is my story behind my ptsd
Before May 1st of 05 you could not of met a better person then me. I was just full of life and really happy with myself and how my life was goin. A few months before May 1st i met a boy named Cody through a friend..... He lived almost 200 miles away from my small town in a big "rich" county outside nashville called brentwood. The reason he was alwyas in My small town on the weekends was becuase his parents owned a house boat in a marina about 30 min. away and his dad runs a business here. Me and Cosy staid friends and he asked me to his prom. WOW sophomore year... 16 years old and i was asked to a prom in a big city. It was awesome i felt like a princess. We took lots of pictures.
A couple weeks after prom, on May 1st, me and a close girl friend of mine went to the lake to codys house boat to show him the pictures. After we did that we decided to get out in the water on the speed boat. There were so many kids there from 15 yrs old to 22. We always had fun. We rode jet skis.... It was a great start to the summer. Well around 4 we started gettin wore out from the activities so me, my girlfriend, cody, and two other boys i knew but didnt know very well just decided to relax in the boat and talk in the middle of the water. Cody had to go back to his boat to eat dinner with his family and me and lori didnt want to intrude so we decided we would stay on the boat with the ohter two guys and ride around for 30 minutes then go back to get Cody.
When we dropped Cody off one of the guys, Chad, Asked me and my friend, Lori, if we wanted a drink. We said yea so a couple house boats down we got off and went in i knew he was goin to put vodka just a lil in with my diet coke and with loris cranberry juice. but let me remind you A LITTLE. He poured the drinks while me and Lori and the other guy walked back out to the speed boat. He brought us our drinks and i started drinkin mine. Lori didnt touch hers yet. Suddenly with in ten minutes at the drop of a dime everything just went to a blur. I remember bein on the boat and Lori tellin the guys we needed to go back and get cody but i was in my own world. The guys were drinkin beer. I finished my drink and i was literally out of my mind but i didnt care at that moment. Well according to Lori the one guy, Chad, started gettin mean. He threw a beer can at her and hit her in the head with it. Keep in mind there is no cell phone service what so ever around here so no one could call us or could we call them.
Finally sometime after dark they took us back to the house boat. I remember thinkin how am i goin to walk all the way to my car from here. Lori got off the boat in a hurry and the guy Chad was helpin me walk becasue i couldnt do it my self well the other guy staid on the back of the house boat. we went through the sliding glass doors and then walked to the front. Lori walked out of the sliding glass doors on the front of the boat and me and chad were behind her. As soon as she stepped out the door... chad slammed it shutand said we will be out in a minute. Then he started to drag me to the back bedroom i remember lori beatin the door screamin and i was yellin for her. Somehow i manged to get in the bathroom but that didnt stop him from comin in. When he opened the door i remember standin up tryin to get out but as soon as i got to the door i just fell face forward... like i said i couldnt walk on my own. Well if you have ever been on house boats some have a step thats beside the bed and when i fell i hit my head on it because it was right outside the bathroom door. The next thing i remember is openin my eyes and he was on top of me talking but i couldnt comprehend and i knew he was havin sex but i couldnt fight, i couldnt even talk. The next thing i remember is someone carryin me like a baby down the dock to my car.
Lori had NEVER been to that marina or anything like that before and she didnt know where to find people or even remember how to get to Codys boat or to the parkin lot. She just ran and eventually found cody and his family about to leave to head back to franklin in the parking lot. She told them what had happened and Cody and hhis dad took off runnin to the boat. Cody had to break through the bathroom window to get in and let his dad in. They found me in the bathroom crying and i dont remember it. But Mark carried me to my car where lori was waiting and she drove off. I was in the boat with him for at leat 25 min.
Lori called my boyfriend at the time and told him what was goin on and he told her to bring me to his house because it was just a few miles away and apparently i was askin for him. He was milking cows that night so we set in the office of his barn and they said that i kept goin in and out. I would all of a sudden pick up the phone and say i had to call jared "my boyfriend" but he was settin right there.... and i broke the phone because i threw it so many times. Jared told his parents somethin had happened and he had to take me and lori home. Loris dad use to beat her and she was home like 2 hours late so she had to go home.... but in the end ended up gettin beat. Jared then drove me to my house where i went in the house collapsed in the living room floor and my mom started freakin out and then i told her what had happened.
We went to the hospitial they did a rape kit thing on me took my blood and honestly i cant remember what else. They did police reports but for some reason they didnt have enough blood to test and see wht else was in my system. There is no way that alcohol alone could of done that to me. That guy is still out there because no one did their job right.
I started counselin about a week after. I went through so many counselers and hated all of them. They just made me tell my story over and over and over and didint give me any feed back. I thought hat i was ok but they told me had ptsd which to me meant nothin back then i didnt care about myself anymore. I looked at everything different. I didnt take the medicine because i thought i could cope myself and i didnt need medicine to make me better. I went to counseling on and off from then till now. Last fall i really thoguht i had my life together. I met an awesome guy that knows everything and doesnt judge me. I figured out what i wanted to do with my life.... become an LPN... and it was just awesome. I finshed school on my 18th birthday in jan. (home school i couldnt go to school anymore after this happened) then in May my my ptsd took a turn for the worst. Anxiety struck me HARD i was having panic attacks like crazy. Two days before i would walk across the stage to get my diploma for all my hard work. The anxiety was BAD. My doc put me on prozac and gave me xanax for when i have attacks and i started my counselin agian ( ifinally found one i liked) well in the middle of june i thought i was ok had barely any signs of anxiety so once again i stopped my meds. At the end of Oct. i got hit hard with anxiety really bad and i have not felt the same since. The doc said i have to got to a specialist which i dont go until the 13th of this month (just next week!) but i just need some support people.....
My anxiety has me feelin just hopeless i am stuggling with gettin out of the house i hate goin to public places. I cant stand it. Everytime i do i have to go STRAIGHT to the bathroom for some reason. I dont feel like my self. I think its called depesonalization or derealization that i am strugglin with the most. It just feels like i am in a dream every single day. Im am constantly worrying about going into an attack. Its SOOOOO hard for me to drive. I get anxious and sweat and feel like im going crazy literally. This is affecting my realationship of 1 and half years. I just dont want to be touched anymore but i love him so much. Why is all this. Honestly does the medicine make all this go away?? Please someone if you have managed to read all this do me a favor and give me some kind of hope or something to hold onto. I am almost at the end of my rope and i need support please help and give me some feed back....
Before May 1st of 05 you could not of met a better person then me. I was just full of life and really happy with myself and how my life was goin. A few months before May 1st i met a boy named Cody through a friend..... He lived almost 200 miles away from my small town in a big "rich" county outside nashville called brentwood. The reason he was alwyas in My small town on the weekends was becuase his parents owned a house boat in a marina about 30 min. away and his dad runs a business here. Me and Cosy staid friends and he asked me to his prom. WOW sophomore year... 16 years old and i was asked to a prom in a big city. It was awesome i felt like a princess. We took lots of pictures.
A couple weeks after prom, on May 1st, me and a close girl friend of mine went to the lake to codys house boat to show him the pictures. After we did that we decided to get out in the water on the speed boat. There were so many kids there from 15 yrs old to 22. We always had fun. We rode jet skis.... It was a great start to the summer. Well around 4 we started gettin wore out from the activities so me, my girlfriend, cody, and two other boys i knew but didnt know very well just decided to relax in the boat and talk in the middle of the water. Cody had to go back to his boat to eat dinner with his family and me and lori didnt want to intrude so we decided we would stay on the boat with the ohter two guys and ride around for 30 minutes then go back to get Cody.
When we dropped Cody off one of the guys, Chad, Asked me and my friend, Lori, if we wanted a drink. We said yea so a couple house boats down we got off and went in i knew he was goin to put vodka just a lil in with my diet coke and with loris cranberry juice. but let me remind you A LITTLE. He poured the drinks while me and Lori and the other guy walked back out to the speed boat. He brought us our drinks and i started drinkin mine. Lori didnt touch hers yet. Suddenly with in ten minutes at the drop of a dime everything just went to a blur. I remember bein on the boat and Lori tellin the guys we needed to go back and get cody but i was in my own world. The guys were drinkin beer. I finished my drink and i was literally out of my mind but i didnt care at that moment. Well according to Lori the one guy, Chad, started gettin mean. He threw a beer can at her and hit her in the head with it. Keep in mind there is no cell phone service what so ever around here so no one could call us or could we call them.
Finally sometime after dark they took us back to the house boat. I remember thinkin how am i goin to walk all the way to my car from here. Lori got off the boat in a hurry and the guy Chad was helpin me walk becasue i couldnt do it my self well the other guy staid on the back of the house boat. we went through the sliding glass doors and then walked to the front. Lori walked out of the sliding glass doors on the front of the boat and me and chad were behind her. As soon as she stepped out the door... chad slammed it shutand said we will be out in a minute. Then he started to drag me to the back bedroom i remember lori beatin the door screamin and i was yellin for her. Somehow i manged to get in the bathroom but that didnt stop him from comin in. When he opened the door i remember standin up tryin to get out but as soon as i got to the door i just fell face forward... like i said i couldnt walk on my own. Well if you have ever been on house boats some have a step thats beside the bed and when i fell i hit my head on it because it was right outside the bathroom door. The next thing i remember is openin my eyes and he was on top of me talking but i couldnt comprehend and i knew he was havin sex but i couldnt fight, i couldnt even talk. The next thing i remember is someone carryin me like a baby down the dock to my car.
Lori had NEVER been to that marina or anything like that before and she didnt know where to find people or even remember how to get to Codys boat or to the parkin lot. She just ran and eventually found cody and his family about to leave to head back to franklin in the parking lot. She told them what had happened and Cody and hhis dad took off runnin to the boat. Cody had to break through the bathroom window to get in and let his dad in. They found me in the bathroom crying and i dont remember it. But Mark carried me to my car where lori was waiting and she drove off. I was in the boat with him for at leat 25 min.
Lori called my boyfriend at the time and told him what was goin on and he told her to bring me to his house because it was just a few miles away and apparently i was askin for him. He was milking cows that night so we set in the office of his barn and they said that i kept goin in and out. I would all of a sudden pick up the phone and say i had to call jared "my boyfriend" but he was settin right there.... and i broke the phone because i threw it so many times. Jared told his parents somethin had happened and he had to take me and lori home. Loris dad use to beat her and she was home like 2 hours late so she had to go home.... but in the end ended up gettin beat. Jared then drove me to my house where i went in the house collapsed in the living room floor and my mom started freakin out and then i told her what had happened.
We went to the hospitial they did a rape kit thing on me took my blood and honestly i cant remember what else. They did police reports but for some reason they didnt have enough blood to test and see wht else was in my system. There is no way that alcohol alone could of done that to me. That guy is still out there because no one did their job right.
I started counselin about a week after. I went through so many counselers and hated all of them. They just made me tell my story over and over and over and didint give me any feed back. I thought hat i was ok but they told me had ptsd which to me meant nothin back then i didnt care about myself anymore. I looked at everything different. I didnt take the medicine because i thought i could cope myself and i didnt need medicine to make me better. I went to counseling on and off from then till now. Last fall i really thoguht i had my life together. I met an awesome guy that knows everything and doesnt judge me. I figured out what i wanted to do with my life.... become an LPN... and it was just awesome. I finshed school on my 18th birthday in jan. (home school i couldnt go to school anymore after this happened) then in May my my ptsd took a turn for the worst. Anxiety struck me HARD i was having panic attacks like crazy. Two days before i would walk across the stage to get my diploma for all my hard work. The anxiety was BAD. My doc put me on prozac and gave me xanax for when i have attacks and i started my counselin agian ( ifinally found one i liked) well in the middle of june i thought i was ok had barely any signs of anxiety so once again i stopped my meds. At the end of Oct. i got hit hard with anxiety really bad and i have not felt the same since. The doc said i have to got to a specialist which i dont go until the 13th of this month (just next week!) but i just need some support people.....
My anxiety has me feelin just hopeless i am stuggling with gettin out of the house i hate goin to public places. I cant stand it. Everytime i do i have to go STRAIGHT to the bathroom for some reason. I dont feel like my self. I think its called depesonalization or derealization that i am strugglin with the most. It just feels like i am in a dream every single day. Im am constantly worrying about going into an attack. Its SOOOOO hard for me to drive. I get anxious and sweat and feel like im going crazy literally. This is affecting my realationship of 1 and half years. I just dont want to be touched anymore but i love him so much. Why is all this. Honestly does the medicine make all this go away?? Please someone if you have managed to read all this do me a favor and give me some kind of hope or something to hold onto. I am almost at the end of my rope and i need support please help and give me some feed back....