Sherlock
07-12-2007, 11:35 AM
Flashbacks are not uncommon for me but the one I had today was rather scary. In the shopping mall I always take a look at the Christmas trees to dream of a distant future when I will have my own family and sit around the tree, how different from my current family... But today this made me feel like a day when I was still in primary school and I wanted to kill myself because I was severely bullied (some problems with my parents might have been part of the equation, but I was in denial about that). My thoughts seemed so incredibly real, I really wanted to kill myself, I even planned it to next Saturday, this feeling was so strong and I was so certain I should do it I think I would've done it instantly if I had not had a meeting scheduled tomorrow. I blocked everyone in my msn-list to prevent my friends from talking me out of it and sent some of them farewell messages. Fortunately I forgot to block one person and she confronted me with my farewell message. Because I did not want to make her feel bad I decided I should have to kill myself weeks later because otherwise she would feel guilty. During the conversation I then had with her I 'awoke' and was shocked what had happened....
I'm glad I'm still alive and these thoughts are gone now....
The last week I was a bit more anxious than normal, had quite a few milder flashbacks when cleaning my room. I hope they will stay away for a while now....
I'm glad I'm still alive and these thoughts are gone now....
The last week I was a bit more anxious than normal, had quite a few milder flashbacks when cleaning my room. I hope they will stay away for a while now....