I'm Lost, Totally Lost and Don't Know Where To Turn.

[Tactman]

Im sure the majority of you here have military backgrounds and/or swat/leo.

To phrase up my situation, Im lost. I can't say where I am but you can probably figure it out. The unit I am a part of dictates that we operate in one or 3 man teams, mostly solo. I have always considered myself mentally stable and unwavering but seem to be coming unravelled. When I was in my prior unit, before being accepted into my present unit, I led my men and had them as my support as I was there support as well. I find myself now totally alone, in combat, and am having serious issues.

I can't sleep and when I do I replay every atrotious(sp) event that I have been involved in. I can't eat. I am still able to focus and maintain my operational status but am becoming to worry about how long this will hold out.

These stressors have effected the homefront as well. I can't seem to write home, call, email, anything. It seems as if I do all that happens is things get worse which in turn makes my family think that I am pulling away from them and actively making a choice to stay away from them.

I am giving up my childrends childhood to do my duty, something I can never get back. I saw a picture of my son recently and I didn't recognize him. If my unit finds any kind of mental instablility I will immediatly be moved and I have worked years and years to get to this point. It seems I am between a rock and a hard place.

Please understand that I can't divulge more information on where I am at or what unit I am in.

I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD as well as Thanatos (death instinct), which basically means I don't care if I survive ops.

I need help. I was handed this web site on a piece of paper and told to come here and spill out my guts, that you men and woman will help and have answers.

To be totally honest, the majority of the time when I am assigned op's, and am solo, as long as I complete my mission, I don't care if I survive returning.

[becvan]

Hi Tactman, Welcome to the forum.

I do not think the majority is Military. Not sure really, because we don't focus on that here. What we focus on is our PTSD. Also, we do not force anyone to divulge information. That is your choice as to what you say and what you don't. I'm not military, but I get the confidentiality.

You have turned to a great place, IMHO. We all help ourselves here and support each other in turn.

Sounds like your in the control of PTSD, instead of you it. A very familiar place to many of us. Are you receiving therapy? Are you on any medications?

There are numerous threads in the introduction section, on our forum guidelines, where to start healing etc.. that you might be interested in reading. Also the Information sections have lot's of great information to help you out.

Again, Welcome!

bec

[Tactman]

Hey Bec,

Medications are totally out of the picture. If I show any sign of a mental breakdown I am instantly removed from my unit. I have worked for years to be a member of this unit. Being selected and successfully negotiating the training/schoolwork to become a member of this unit is and will always be one of the things I will be proud of. The things I am ordered to do, while in the greater good of our country, is eating me up morally as a human and a soldier. I have spoken with other members of my unit who has told me they had/have the same problems but for them dealing with the PTSD and Thanatos is an even trade off for them. They tell me I need to learn to lock these events away and never think of them again. Im not wired that way and it is literally eating me up on the inside.

My only other option is to admit my problem and be removed from operational status. Im not sure which is worse, losing what I have spent 10 years working for or seeking help. The unit is clouded so candidated entering the program will not fully understand what is actually in store for them. The training I have recieved is, in my opinion, the best training available to anyone in the military. They have invested quite a bit of time, energy, and money in my training and I keep thinking that they would look for the signs of us breaking down.

I am housed solo, with noone to really get close to and feel them out. When we are in pre-op the guys on my team seem 100% steadfast, like rocks, unphaseable. I mimic them so as to not show weakness. I have serious issues with unavoidable collateral civilian damage which seems to be of little concern here. Don't get me wrong, when I am given an assignment I fulfill it exactly as ordered. This war on terror, Im not sure who it is affecting more, the terrorist or the American soldiers engaged in it.

I really appreciatte your input Bec, I didn't expect help and advice this quick and I cannot thank you enough.

[baileysemt]

Wow Tactman, welcome to the forum!! I am so glad that you found us and that you are posting.

You are so strong and brave for coming here and talking about your situation. Do you realize that? :smile: It is a damn hard thing to do.

Ever since my own critical incident (a series of 5 explosions rocked my small town, killing 2 and injuring many others) I have often wondered how our soldiers are dealing with this kind of thing abroad. What you are seeing is as bad or worse than what I saw. (I saw it all as an emergency responder) And unlike me it is not just a one-time thing... it is over and over again. I actually feel remorse when I swat a fly, or squash a spider... I cry when I hit a squirrel with my car... how do you guys do the things you do over there? It is completely boggling to me. When you say "The things I am ordered to do, while in the greater good of our country, is eating me up morally as a human and a soldier." -- that is what I would expect, Tactman. You are not a robot. You are a normal, good person. Being upset by the things you witness is entirely reasonable and expected!!!

Your comment:
They tell me I need to learn to lock these events away and never think of them again. Im not wired that way and it is literally eating me up on the inside.Your inability to lock it away, the fact your are wired to be more sensitive and perceptive, the fact it is eating you up on the inside -- I have read these are all common traits of PTSDers. We are, by nature, sensitive, considerate, and caring. PTSDers are often characterized as people who "care too much," and it is in that extra caring that we get burned.

Regarding your unwillingness to give up all you have worked for... Oh, do I understand that!!!!! Totally and completely. I had grown my own bricks-and-mortar retail shop for 10 years, and had been an EMT for 12 years, every ounce of me was about those 2 things. One was my pride, the other was my life's passion. The hardest thing I ever had to do was cut back on my calls... then cut back shop hours... then cut back business operations... finally when I got to the point where the PTSD had made me a completely stupid bumbling idiot (seriously, it stole my brain, I could not figure out how to vacuum the floor!) I had to face the fact that I might have to give up my business and being an EMT forever. That was a horrible struggle. I blamed myself for being weak, I couldn't figure out why I was so broken, my self-esteem was ZERO. I had lost everything... my business, my love, and my intelligence.

(More on this later, hang on...)

My point here Tactman, is that you don't have a magic button to push, or a magic switch to flip, that will make this PTSD go away. You have what is very likely a lifetime illness that you must now manage. It is possible to manage it.

Everything I have read (specifically, the docs from the VA are very good) agrees that successful treatment involves being removed from the stressor (war zone) and embarking in therapy (sessions, reading, meds, whatever). A basic tenet to PTSD treatment is that you have a "safe place" that you can retreat to physically or at least mentally. If you are re-submerging yourself in the traumatic environment, I don't know how that can work towards recovery? I know I certainly was not able to return to the location of my trauma for many months... and even so, it's not with a clear mind. To this day I am still swallowing hard and using grounding techniques, just to drive through. :eek:

I understand completely how it feels to face the possibility of losing everything you've been working for for so long. It is a nasty feeling.

However, I finally came to realize this: I am no longer a person who is well-suited to do the things I used to do. That is, to try to stay with the old game plan is counter-productive. It's like trying to stick my foot in a glove. It's a bad fit and it's only going to result in my becoming very sick, and I am going to grossly fail the task at hand (and maybe hurt other people!).

I tried for months and months to become the person I used to be. Oh how I pined to be that energetic, bright, beautiful girl again! I have finally accepted, sadly, that she is gone. Her core spirit and goodness is still there, way deep down ;) but she has matured and changed into someone else now. No one can make themselves be someone they are not.

Tactman, I also found someone that I could model my behavior after, while I was suffering. I find it interesting that we share that commonality too. :smile: I knew I was sick and "broken," and I could not figure out how to feel right again, and I happened across this fellow online who writes like I think. He has a delightful blog, a wicked sense of humor, and he was proof to me that a person could look at life the way I used to and succeed. He was an incredible inspiration for me for a long time. For me, it was a helpful coping strategy. If it helps you to get through the tough spots, that's great! Do what works.

But when it stops working, either you have to come up with a new system, or you have to remove yourself from the situation. I think that you as a good and reasonable man knows that. Ultimately you are going to have to get your PTSD treated. It is not going to go away. It will only get worse. That's how it works. To get better, you have to consciously work at it. And yes, that may cost you your current position in the military. That's not a bad thing if you are a different person who is not perfectly suited to that position. People change. There is no judgment and no failure there. You are changing due to something which makes you uniquely strong in other ways... you have a gift, an ability that some of your team members do not have. Right now that gift feels like a curse, because it's opening the door for PTSD, which is trying to screw up your plan here. However when you are in the right job, the right position, doing the right thing, that gift thrives and shines and it HELPS people. You can use it to amazing good.

Tactman, I hope I have offered you some hope and perspective from my own struggles. I am so proud and happy that you are here. That's awesome!! :) Don't give up!! We need you and we care about you... yes, complete strangers :smile: believe me, you and your fellow soldiers are on our minds ALL THE TIME. We are saying silent prayers for you ALL THE TIME. And, you always have friends on this board. This is a warm and welcoming place.

Take care, Tactman. I will keep you in my thoughts. And I will try to dig up some URLs of materials that really helped me a lot.

:) Bailey

[Tactman]

Bailey,

Thank you, you cannot imagine how much you thoughts has made me feel human. The american people have no clue as to what is happening here. There are many things I cannot speak of but I am legally capable of mentioning things that have been made public via CNN and other news facitilies.

I find bodies every day. Men, woman, and children. These people are murdered in ways against their religion, ways that will ensure they will not reach their own version of heaven/afterlife. These people are murdered as a way to terrorize the Iraqi people and to keep them from harbouring the thought of helping out the coalition forces.

There are many things I would like to get off my chest that I cannot say on a public forum. My unit's chaplin has told me to find a person that I do not know, will never meet, and get some of the things that bother me off my chest. If you or anyone else would have 10 minutes of free time to speak on one of the chat servers I would really appreciatte it. He has told me one of the best ways to combat PTSD is to talk about it to someone not in a combat zone that has an open mind.

Im not sure if this forum has a PM service or not. I have an MSN account as well as a Yahoo account if you would happen to have some spare time.

If not I understand.

Your post has helped me quite a bit, made me feel human and not weak. I thank you so much for your time, Tactman.

[Tactman]

Just curious, how do you move from a moderated member to a normal member?

Also, Bailey, I appreciatte your post and look forward to the URL's.

[She Cat]

Hi Tactman & welcome to the forum.

[hollyberry]

I hope and pray that you find your way....being lost is rough...

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum Tactman, lovely to have you. My husband was in the military 40 years, only recently retired. It is far from easy at the best of times . You have certainly come to the right place for support and to learn.

Just curious, how do you move from a moderated member to a normal member?


This thread will answer all your questions about moderation, please read it:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5669.html

Again welcome. I look forward to speaking with you more.

[hodge]

Welcome Tactman,

I'm glad you found this forum. I'm not military, but I do kind of understand how painful and difficult it is to work so many years to achieve something and then feel unable to do it or fear it won't be long before you can't do it anymore. I also understand the pain of doing work that means so much to you and have it battling with your conscience. I don't know what else to say except that I'm so sorry you are in this situation and with ptsd to boot.

Hodge

[vst]

Tactman,

Welcome to the forum. I am not military, but I pray for all our troops overseas and will pray for you personally. It takes alot of courage to serve our country as you do.

Take care,

vst

[morgan]

I'm sorry you're in that situation. If you decide it's just too much for you. The National Center for PTSD, VA in Palo Alto, CA Takes active duty. It's a great program and soldiers get priority right now.
I say this to you because I know you are not safe right now and I want you to know that there is a safe place that you can go. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. They are natural.
Thanks for serving, Morgan

[Shamrock]

Tactman

You and I have VERY similar backgrounds. Please e-mail me at
Not that I can be of much help as I am processing my own issues. But it will be nice to speak with someone familiar with life inside the "colors of the rainbow."

[baileysemt]

There are many things I would like to get off my chest that I cannot say on a public forum. My unit's chaplin has told me to find a person that I do not know, will never meet, and get some of the things that bother me off my chest. If you or anyone else would have 10 minutes of free time to speak on one of the chat servers I would really appreciatte it. He has told me one of the best ways to combat PTSD is to talk about it to someone not in a combat zone that has an open mind.

Tactman, I wish I could help you this way. I wish very much. That is what makes me feel the best: helping other people, making them feel better. (Hence why I am an EMT)

Unfortunately I know that to hear the detail of what you are witnessing, would rip me up. It would just rip me to shreds emotionally. To try to help you, would hurt me terribly, because of my PTSD.

And since everyone else here suffers from PTSD, we have "direct circuits" to our horror/fear centers, it is abnormally easy for us to envision the bad things we hear about, as well as to take the actual pain of those events upon ourselves... it's that "caring too much" thing... we are too sensitive, too empathetic.

So please don't be offended if people aren't jumping up to talk with you about certain things in detail. I agree that you do need to get it off your chest, we just need to find you an outlet where you can do so without accidentally hurting the other person. :smile: The people here are fragile and wrangling their own issues themselves.

I am sorry I can't help you with this. I really want to. I just know that it will send me backsliding into flashbacks and nightmares and that God-awful suffocating morasse, and I don't want to go back there again........

Still praying for you and sending positive vibes your way, though. :smile:

:smile: Bailey

[tude]

Tactman, I am glad you found this forum. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
There is a lot of useful information here. Here I have also found hope.

This past summer I was temporarily and voluntarily re-assigned away from "the face of death". It did help. It did get depressing though. I felt useless and bored and a burden to my team. I returned to regular duty and it has been challenging. Learning and practicing healthy coping skills has helped. Not beating myself up and being gentle with myself has helped a great deal. As a civilian now, "Honor, Courage, and Commitment," still have meaning.

Honor- my actions are congruent with my belief in recovery

Courage- to be vulnerable, take risks, be honest about how I feel,

Commitment- committed to myself, my well-being, and spiritual progress

Take care of yourself Tactman. No one else can.

Semper Fi,
tude

[Tactman]

I really appreciatte everyone's help. I had hoped that my team was going to be assigned to another part of the world but it turns out (you can read CNN and figure this out) were being put right in the middle of it again. I've come to a cross road and feel that in this cross road I am going to have to turn off every human emotion I have and just focus on "completing my op".

I hope to one day be able to regain these human emotions. I am curious if anyone has ever actually been able to recover from voluntarily killing your concious and then being able to eventually move back into society as a normal citizen. It's a paradox when you are awarded a Purple Heart and realize you would have rather just become another KIA statistic.

This battle in my mind is the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life, this coming from someone who was one of the first American soldiers to ever enter Fallujah.

I thank everyone for all of your advice and help. As an American soldier I have one thing to ask of each and every one of you. Please vote in this up-coming presidential election. Don't fall for the smoke and mirrors, vote for someone whom you feel will do what is best for OUR country. The country that as I am writing this young men and woman from every corner of our great country is spilling their blood. Think of the parents, the brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends and neighbors who are losing their lives here.

Any candidate that says they will pull EVERY soldier out by a certain date is a fool. It is impossible to do. While they may do a mass troop withdrawal there will be a select few of us left behind and when this happens it will be a blood bath for those of us left. Use your head, vote with your heart, do what YOU as an American citizen feel is the right thing. Not only will a sudden withdraw literally slaughter thousands of our soldiers, the murder on the innocent Iraqi people will be on a genocide level. I have been lucky enough to have made friends with quite a few of these famalies. These people want the same thing we do. They want to live in peace, worship in their own way, watch their children grow and prosper, and live.

[Tactman]

Tactman, I wish I could help you this way. I wish very much. That is what makes me feel the best: helping other people, making them feel better. (Hence why I am an EMT)

Bailey, I can understand some of the things you have witnessed and why speaking of them would open up wounds that are hard to close. The medics in my units are some of the most brave men and woman I have ever met. In the middle of a firefight you will hear someone scream "Medic Up" and guess what happens. A medic is on their way there to a downed soldier, a fellow soldier.

I salute you as a civilian medic and I appreciatte the job you do. Believe it or not I actually think of the medics and emt's in the states quite a bit. My family is trusted to people of your calibers skill. All you hear about it law enforcement and the fire service, very few people recognize Emergency Medical Services. I want you to know that I do recognize you and your sacrifices. I salute you maam.

[grace5555]

Tactman,

While I cannot personally speak to your level of suffering as my PTSD is from another source, I did want to thank for the sacrifice you are making for all of us on such a deep level. I will be voting in the presidential election and I understand fairly well what you are saying and I agree. I just wish there was an easy way out where we would be safe from terrorism, the Iraqi public would be safe, and you could safely come home. No easy answers, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for fighting for us.

Grace

[Linda]

Hi Tactman and welcome to the Forum. I hope you will find it helpful.
Take care,
Linda

[Tactman]

The past day has been horrible. I'm not sure how this forum works. Can I share events that are affecting me or in doing this might I make others relive events in their life.

I wish there was a military forum available which was designed in a way so they could not trace who the person posting is.

When I do sleep the nightmares are horrendous. Things replay sometimes in slow motion and the smallest details that I didn't percieve at the time of the event become a part of the dream.

Flashbacks. I always thought flashbacks were something that happened in later life, not while you are living the stressors.

We meet with pschologists on occasion to make sure we are handling the extreme amount of stress we are presented with. Not once has any of these guys seemed to really become involved in a conversation with me.

I do want to stress that when it comes to my operational status I am 100%. I do my ops as ordered and will not fail them.

I just need someone to talk to I guess, someone who won't judge me for the things I have done.

[veiled]

Can I share events that are affecting me or in doing this might I make others relive events in their life.

That is the idea. Some will choose not to read or will and relate. This forum triggers everyone, but life is full of them. While this may not be a military geared site, it is a PTSD site. People have PTSD from what they have done or have had done to them. Either way PTSD is the same. That is why Anthony went out of his way not to form cliques on here or let people group up in sections like military, rape, shootings, or what ever incident that gave one PTSD. We have all the symptoms to one degree or another depending on where we are in healing or how severe the PTSD is (and any case of PTSD is severe really as why we are diagnosed this extreme). PTSD is the same no matter your source.

As a result with how this forum is run we have people of all walks of life from many backgrounds who have one thing in common, PTSD. And everyone here knows exactly how the next feels as we all have this. It has made a large community with many different takes on how to get better and how to handle the many symptoms.

Also, people do not judge here. All we ask for is honesty. We are well aware of the many ways people get this.

[Tactman]

Thanks Veiled, I appreciatte your response. I am going to state now that I am going to get something off my chest that is one of the major factors of my PTSD.

My suggestion to people who are sensative, vunerable, or having a difficult time dealing with their own emotional problems may want to just skip this thread and move along.

I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and Thanatos. I feel one of the main reasons I am so affected by PTSD is that in the course of everything I have been and am being exposed to has cause to me lose my faith in God. I have witnessed senseless killing, more than any one person should ever have to. I am sure you have read or seen on CNN about the little boy who was drug from his house, doused in gasoline and sat on fire. These people that we are fighting are brutal murderers and people who have no respect for human life. The incident that caused me to finally lose my faith in God was when I came upon the bodies of several children who had been beheaded. This was right at day light and the village hadn't really come out to begin their day. The parents of these children thought their children were in bed asleep.

These children were murdered because this villiage in northern Iraq accepted humanitarian aid from coalition forces. The insurgents in turn took these children and beheaded them as a way to control this villiage and other villiages. I was working solo this night and to be honest there isnt many nights that go by that I don't find bodies. I have just never found children butchered like this.

In my operational details if I am on an operation and I witness insurgents commiting acts such as this I can engage these people only if I am positive it will not jeapordize the success of my current mission. I have had to make decisions in the past, as I am certain I will in the future, to not get involved as I watched an active murder take place. It was simple math, I was solo and out numbered. On the flip side, depending on the equipment I have chose for the operation at hand I have engaged multiple insurgents but have been able to do so in a way that the insurgents had no idea of where the direction of fire was and how big of a potential force they were facing.

The morning I found these children I had an emotional breakdown. I found myself sitting against a building just 20 feet from the bodies of these children, unable to function. My next plan of action of course was one of revenge. Even tho I had completed my assignment for the night I moved through the villiage, house by house, until I found the insurgents whom were responsible for murdering these children. It is common for the insurgents to stay in these villages to be a show of presence when the villagers find their children. These monsters were playing some form of a game while they awaited the villagers to wake up. This was one engagement I was involved in that I have never lost a wink of sleep over.

This is the single most horrible experience of my life. I have lost dear friends in combat, held them as they died, held their famalies as they grieved, and have tried to explain to an 8 year old little boy of one of my soldiers who was killed as to why his father died in a war. Children are so smart. He asked me why his father was killed in a war when there were no enemy tanks at his school or near his home. How do you explain this to an 8 year old?

I plan to finish my military commitment and have began to try to figure out how I can live with my PTSD and Thanatos. I hope that when my commitment is finished I can finally find peace within myself.

There are so many more instances that I could write about but it gets redundant. I welcome and actually hope that someone has some advice or direction. I know I need to re-establish my relationship with God but as I sat in that street with those murdered children, I lost every bit of my faith. What is God's master plan for those children?

I thank you for taking the time to read this. If this is too harsh then a moderator can delete it all.

[She Cat]

Tactman,

Just wanted you to know that I hear you, your pain, your suffering...Thoughts are with you, and your buddies. Come home safe, and thank you.....

I am a coward and could not do or face what you have....

[hodge]

Tactman, you're going through some truly horrible experiences. I'm very glad for your sake that you're getting things out here. Just wondering, how much longer are you committed to the service?

[batgirl]

My suggestion to people who are sensative, vunerable, or having a difficult time dealing with their own emotional problems may want to just skip this thread and move along.


I don't think you need to make disclaimers about what you're writing or warn people and so on. We're all adults here. People don't have to read everything. At least that's my opinion. What I really like about this forum is it doesn't contain all those ***Warning: Triggers*** notices that a lot of other PTSD forums seems to contain. And a bit of triggering is good anyways, for me at least.

Actually I really appreciate you sharing all this here Tactman, I come from a military family and my father and brothers don't talk much about what's happened to them on operations. It's good for me to read someone's experiences, it helps me to understand a bit better. You really have had some horrible things happen, like Hodge said, it's good you're talking about it.

[veiled]

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread556.html

Yep, no warning needed. It is the nature of the forum.

[becvan]

Tactman, you are in the absolute throes of PTSD.

Right now, your brain is just sitting there in horror, seeing a changed world, where nothing is safe and the world is a bad bad place. Your brain sees only that this is the worst and only someone exactly being in my situation, can possibly understand.

And your brain is wrong.

Go and read our stories. Read some of the trauma diaries, some introduction threads. And you will see countless stories of unspeakable horror, each different, and all of us understand each other. You are now part of this community. We do not need to compare how bad each of us has seen, done, or had done.

My son sleeps ten feet from me. As I toss and turn, kicking in sleeping in my sleep, where even my dog won't stay, my son does the same. He suffers from PTSD, from different trauma from mine, but we are completely in sync. I get the nausea, IB symptoms, shaking, nightmares, zoning out, raging, shut downs, shut in, flashbacks, etc... When I got here, I learned that I share that, my son shares that with many different people here. I belong, they belong, and we don't have explain or justify.

People read my story, it's not that mine is worse, it's not different, it's because the feelings, the reactions, the illness, and the process to get better, is the exact same. It's why I read their stories, why I post here, work here, made friends here. We all live in that bad, bad world.

I am also glad that you are sharing it with us. I can read it and feel the same horror I feel over my own life. I can also read it and know hope, as I know it gets better, we can get it in control, we can improve, we can work through it. When someone says, you have to remove yourself from the environment or you will get worse, but leaving you can work to get better. We say it because we are living it. The first step is always seeking help. You finally realize you need to get this dealt with. You already did this. The second step is realizing your not alone. Some people do understand, even without having lived it. Your almost there. The third step is learning how to get better. The fourth is doing it.

bec

[logan]

hang in their
we must lest not forget the ones who have sevred us and the ones sevreing and the ones to come

this is good place for all ptsd

[Bella78]

I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel for Military personnel who are confirmed PTSD sufferers and still deployed.

I send you strength Tactman.

[Tactman]

Another event, Im going to talk it out. There is a kid near the town Im in now, an Iraqi child, who is just a great kid. When we first moved into this area the natives were nervous with us being here as we are not a conventional fighting force which led to some tension at first. Over time I, along with several other operators, befriended this young man. His life ambition was to join the Iraqi Army and fight for his country. This kid, or young man, really impressed us.

When we would leave town for ops we would always slip out under the cover of darkness. This kid knew we had left within the past few hours every evening and on countless times we watched the kid through NV or infrared. He didnt know where we were at, and about 90% of the time he was facing the wrong direction but he was always saluting us, basically he was saluting an empty desert. This kid is an example of what will eventually make Iraq a country that will be able to defend itself.

While returning from an op one night in the recent past he knew to NEVER approach us because we had warned him that our weapons were loaded and we carried other dangerous incendiary devices that could harm him if he were to get too close and an accident would happen (I have hugged this kid so many times). We didn't want him to hug one of us and something happen.

As we came into the villiage we noticed him sitting in the center of town. He stood and with a look I had never seen in his face he began to walk as us. As he got closer we moved into a defensive permiter and began to yell at him to stop. The look on his face was one of complete devastation and horror. As he became closer we became more aggressive with ordering him to stop and one of my soldiers began to try to load a less lethal round into his secondary weapon. All at once he breaks out into a dead run at us and when he is around 50 feet away we see that he is crying and is wearing a suicide vest.

I had no choice, I shot and killed him which detonated the suicide vest. The vest was designed in a way so there was no way he could take it off and he held a pressure swith that if he released it the vest would explode. We immediately reported the situation to socom and began our own investigation. The first place we went was his famalies home where we found his family murdered. Stating that finding his family murdered does not state what these animals did to this young man's family, I just find no need in sharing details.

The investigation yielded that an insurgent force put this suicide vest on this young man and ordered him to approach us and detonate it. If he did this then his entire family would be safe. Within 10 minutes of this young man leaving his hime the insurgents murdered his family.

This young man is a huge loss. This is the type of young man who wanted to fight for freedom, he wanted to join the Iraqi army and in addition to everything else, he was a good person.

This is yet another injury added to my ptsd injury. I have flashed the moment back, dreamed about it, and it just hurts, I loved this kid.

I have about a 6 year commitment left. With events such as this happening on a weekly/bi-weekly schedule do any of you think that when my duty to my country is finished that I will be able to fit into society as a normal person?

I will do whatever it takes to get control of my ptsd/thanatos. I guess I am just looking for some positive reinforcement. Thank you for your time and allowing me to share my latest trauma.....

[veiled]

Tact, none of us fit in society. I can't make that lie. I do know that we can work around it. We do in time. It is strange as you now belong to an unspoken group or "club". It will never be easy. Just know you are not alone. What you feel and have seen is sadly not unique. An old friend of mine who confided when he went to Panama doing exercises looked eye to eye with a girl about 9 yo... she was raped and executed. He was ordered not to act and they didn't, matter of fact "it never happened". But she looked him in the eye. She saved them as she did not react to them. I just know they must have a very special place in heaven. I lost all faith for many years but faith helped me heal when I came back. That child will too. And that spirit there resides in many people. Not only him. This fight and spirit is just what you are fighting for.

No, it will not ease the pain. Only time and processing will. We will be here for that.

[baileysemt]

veiled, you just gave me a new perspective in describing that 9 year old girl. Before, I would only see the horror and sadness and badness in what happened to her. Now I see the angel and spirit inside her in how she saved others by doing what she did. Total 180.

Thank you for that. :) Most of the time I only see the "before," I rarely see the flip side. It is mighty food for thought.

Bailey

[tankertoy]

tact,
i am new to this site and it has taken me a long time to even find anything like this for what ever reason. at any rate reading your posts has helped me already. i too am military well now prior. i have been searching high and low to find somewhere that i could talk to other vets who have been in my shoes. it is comforting to know that i am not alone. im not sure how this stuff works but i would be more than willing to let you get things off of your chest as i wish to do the same. it is impossible to talk to anyone outside the military it seems for fear of judgment for what i have done. at the same time it is definitely impossible to talk to people who have been there even those of my own unit who fought along side of me for fear that i will be looked at as a lesser man. i dont want something like this to over shadow all of the accomplishments i made as a soldier and as a leader. i dont want my men or family to think any less of me. it has taken me a great deal of time to even admit that i have a problem for this reason.. now that i am in the civilian world it is even worse because i miss it in some strange way and i have no one to relate too. i feel that everyone is against me and that noone really even cares.... anyway im really not ready to just let it all hang out you could say just yet atleast not here but i would love some one to talk to maybe to releave some of the guilt...... if that is what it is.......
carlos

[Tactman]

^^^ Tank.

I am sure you have heard this 100 times. This rings true.


From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
I will be here to listen anytime you need. There are things that civilians can't grasp. This is now a slam on them at all, they don't understand it. If you need to private message me or email me let me know. This place has helped me alot already. There are some genuine people here.

[becvan]

Tact:

I think this thread could be of some use to you. Reaching out to more than just vets, will help. Please read this. http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2307.html

bec

[anthony]

I am a veteran, and I can tell you from experience that whilst speaking with other veterans gives some cause for understanding from one another, it also only enables one anothers habits at the same time. If you want to heal trauma, if you want to learn how to manage PTSD, you must go beyond how you got it and believing that only others who got PTSD the same way can help.... because more often than not, they don't help at all, they just enable one another.