Makes Me Nervous Not To Be Believed and Husband

[Felicitas]

I just got into anxious emotions thinking of writing about my trauma, because it does not fit the typical descriptions. This is my struggle that i was not taken serious for so long.
I worked with these highly driven people who didn't seem to mind to see abandoned and starving kids every day. After some time I was sitting in the corner of my living room feeling that I was going to die, helpless, crying for help and my husband replying,"I can't help you anymore" (this is what I remember) I konw that he loves me, but it really hit me deeply.
Being left abandoned like these kids we tried to help.
Another thing I just realized today is that I get traumatized by an atmoshere of adrenalin, especially when it is in my house. In the past it was people running around saving lives, writing e mails, making phone calls in an adrenalin atmoshere- I really hate it and want to get away from it as much as possible. And that is difficult especially when it is your husband creating this atmosphere. Very confusing. He loves me and he traumatizes me.

[batgirl]

I think it's pretty normal to feel your trauma isn't so important, it's different from others, and/or you won't be believed. I felt very different when I first came here, and I struggled with that for a long time. But I am still here after more than a year, and I definitely do belong! You don't have to write all your trauma out in detail right away, if it's too hard just take your time. No one will judge you for that.


Another thing I just realized today is that I get traumatized by an atmoshere of adrenalin, especially when it is in my house. In the past it was people running around saving lives, writing e mails, making phone calls in an adrenalin atmoshere- I really hate it and want to get away from it as much as possible.

I understand this totally. I never really described it as adrenalin, moreso I call it tension or busyness around me, but I do relate, I live with my parents and 2 siblings currently and our house is extremely active. I have a low tolerance for it. Do you have a room you can "retreat" to when things get too busy? I find it helps me to have my own space that the others cannot "invade". Anyways welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time here.

[Felicitas]

Thank you for letting me know you aslo felt like that. i tried for many years to get recognition, so I am really eager to write more about my trauma as understanding replies come.

[veiled]

Glad you are posting but must admit this would be a lot easier for yourself and us if you would just blurt it all out, but when ever you are ready. We don't always have clear thinking days like me at the moment so I have to be smacked up the side of the head with facts to even begin to get a clue.

Trying (trying because I am having one of those days) to read your other posts so I can have half a clue what you are talking about I am going to guess you work with orphans or sick children but not in your home country? You have decided to leave this? Have you left yet or in the process? Your husband is also doing this same type rescue work and you feel he thinks you are leaving him not the situation making you ill? Just wanting to clarify what is going on.

OK, from there and now you know what I am thinking... Correct me if wrong. Not thinking your trauma is believable is quite normal. I have written pretty much all I have gone through in my diary and have not even believed this was possible, this much was possible and I was there. I had a very hard time thinking someone could believe all of this. Well, people do, and they understand, I have even met some that have walked in my shoes most of the way, even if not all, some of them. It is sad to me knowing I am not alone in much of this.

Just going by what you described, the feelings of helpless, dying, crying for help while sitting in the corner. Did you truly feel death was imminent? If so this sounds like a panic attack. It is a symptom. A symptom that really jacks with our head and those around us. I can completely understand the feelings of abandonment, but that is really not the case. If your spouse had the same thing happen for who knows how long (I lose perception of time during it) you may also finally say I can't help you. And they really can't be expected to without learning how first. It is very scary for them to see too I know. I have seen my husband have a panic attack and he has had 2 since I have known him. First time I got him to the hospital and it was before I had my first one and I had no clue what was happening, I thought he was dying. I have had hundreds since so I know better now.

If my other assumptions are correct it is his rescue work you both do/did that is traumatizing you? Not him but his continuance of his work around you? If so this is certainly sticky. This type of work is a calling and turns into one's life and life work. Some it gets to be too much while another thrives off of it making small differences. It is not him traumatizing you. That you need to understand. He is continuing doing something you both started out doing. He is trying to make a difference. Have you sat down with him and spoken to him that you are now ill and as husband and wife priorities need to be rearranged? Maybe it is time for a career change for you both? I don't know your spouse so I cannot advise well how to approach this. I just am point blank with my husband, no beating around the bush as it is fruitless. Be honest with him that his work is directly hurting you now.

Good luck and let me know if I am off track, but again I am trying to come to a conclusion reading all your postings to add 2 and 2.

[Bella78]

Sorry to butt in, but I am confused. Is it encouraged to discuss what caused your trauma? My husband has PTSD from a motor vehicle accident and all the advice he has had is that he never has to discuss what happened, but rather focus on how he is finctioning now in terms of what is acceptable for everyday life and what is not, and then focus on how to begin to feel safe enough to shift his day to day behavious to healthier functioning, for his well being and that of those around him.
Do I have it all wrong?

[veiled]

Yeah, a little. Excuse how I explain it as I already said I was having one of those days. You have PTSD because things were so overwhelming it sort of did a short circuit. You were never able to process it right to begin with. It changed your brain in a way they can see on a MRI it was so overwhelming. As a result nothing stressful from here on in will be a process without work.

Example, if you are "normal" you get that bad thing but your brain processes and resets. Ours were overloaded and blew a fuse. We have to carefully go back and keep manually flipping that breaker where it belongs (you learn how here and with your therapist who knows trauma). So where you seem to have a surge protector we blow a fuse every time and must wander in the dark to the garage stumbling over boxes to get it straight.

If it is never processed it cannot be fixed. You go slowly through it and symptoms you have as a result. You can come to some terms and put it behind you a bit so it is a memory and not life. Thing is with PTSD even if memories are behind you it will not let all the symptoms leave as now you have PTSD. That is the nature of it. But you can control many aspects of PTSD if you keep stress levels in range. But then you have triggers, anniversaries to deal with. If you are so beyond traumatized like many concentration camp victims for example then you may be worked with to suppress but that is very rare.

[Felicitas]

Hello Vailed!
What do you mean blurt it all out? Am I not doing it?
I am out of that situaion for years. Circumstances are balanced now. But i still respond to what happened back then. I like your fuse example. It is so true for me.
The example of death I wrote about: I did not feel it physically, my body was calm; it was a feeling of dying, being robbed of my life energy. I don't think it was a panic attack. I can think more about it.
Being surrounded by dying people every day, my boundaries oversteped by others, having no friends who are like me, being expected to give 24/7, no neutral outside support .... all of that happening at the same time was the killer- and all of that for 2 1/2 years ongoing.
I am away from that situation, but what reminds me brings the feeling up again.
The last weeks I can see more that my husband is not the one traumatizing me.
Still it bothers me that I gave as much as him, but I come out damaged.

[Bella78]

Thank you Veiled. Do not apologise, you have explained it very well.

It sounds like my poor dear husband has such a lot of work ahead of him. He does not even feel motivated to continue his therapy right now and he has only had 2 sessions with "the right therapist" so far. I hope he realises how worth it he is soon (I have now realised I cannot make him realise, he has to do it himself).

[Felicitas]

Hi Bella 78!
For me it is very imortant to understand what caused the trauma, since i am suffering for years and not really understanding why. I am functioning in daily life. i think that would make the difference when to talk about causes.
Felicitas

[hodge]

Hi Felicitas and welcome,

As Veiled expressed, I also am having trouble understanding your situation and so have not known how to really respond. I have found that getting it out of my head into words helps - that's part of the whole point of the diaries section here, but it also applies to the chat sections, where we ask each other for ideas, reality checks, support.

I wish you the best in working this out and hope you get to feeling more comfortable talking about it here. I know it can take awhile - I remember being new :)

Hodge

[Felicitas]

Dear Hodge and Veiled!
This is so hard for me to hear that I am not understood again. I like to start writing diary, but I don't want the whole public to read it. Can I get into the private one (PTSD group only to read it?) yet?
Yes the rescue work was traumatizing me and the responses of my team, who continuesly stepped over my boundaries.

[becvan]

Please read the following links concerning access on the forum and private groups.

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5669.html

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread227.html

bec

[Felicitas]

hi Hodge and Veiled!
ok I understand more now. I will start writing my diary. I almost can't believe that you really want to hear my story. It has been so hard to do it all alone for so long. Just now I can't control my tears. It is hard for so long to deal with all of it.
I am still not sure yet about all the forum rules, but as soon as i am allowed you can find my diary (private)

[becvan]

For a better understanding of the forum and all the rules please read this entire section.

http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum45.html

Thanks,

bec

[Felicitas]

made a mistake, i mean I want to join "diary ptsd' or diary members
i find it quite exhausting to figure out all the computer stuff and organize my self in this forum

[Felicitas]

I think it's pretty normal to feel your trauma isn't so important, it's different from others, and/or you won't be believed. I felt very different when I first came here, and I struggled with that for a long time. But I am still here after more than a year, and I definitely do belong! You don't have to write all your trauma out in detail right away, if it's too hard just take your time. No one will judge you for that.


Thank you!
It is so welcomed strange to be invited to write about the trauma, because I tried to tell people about it for years. I can't believe you and others really want to hear more, that's why I tried to keep it short.

[Bella78]

Felicitas, as a carer and not a PTSD sufferer, I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling, and I feel for you that you are finding it so hard to believe people want to hear your story. I would like to hear your story too when you are ready.

From what little I have seen of this forum and the hope it has filled my heart with, I expect that once you feel safe to share your story, you will get responses from other who understand just what you are going thru and you will be so glad you took that step.

Also, don't worry about the computer stuff, your posts are turning out just fine. You remind me of my mum like that, bless her, it's sweet.

[hodge]

Hi Felicitas,

Just wanted to let you know that after reading more of your posts in other threads, I am getting a better idea of your traumas. I definitely recommend writing them out in a diary. It's helped me a lot.

Take care,

Hodge

[hodge]

Oh, just wanted to add - sounds like the diary section you want is Trauma Members. That's where mine is. Those diaries can be read by all registered members here, but can't be found in search engines, so can't be read by the general public.

[Kathy]

Felicitas, here is a direct link to Trauma Members:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum40.html

Simply go there and begin your diary as a new thread. Good luck!

[Felicitas]

Thank You For All Your Replies, Makes Me Feel Much Safer Already

[Felicitas]

Bella 78, it sounds very encouraging what you write, thank you. I am actually not 40 yet. How old are you?

[Bella78]

Hi Felicitas. I am turning 30 soon very soon (!!!!). My mother who doubts her computer skills so sweetly is just over 50.

I did not mean to suggest that you were old and therefore confident on this forum. But she doubts her abilities with her new computer as you have suggested you perhaps also do. Although with her it is due to her inexperience (but she does not let that stop her!) but I suspect with you maybe it is your doubts in yourself in general?

Don't doubt yourself or your posts, we all care for what you have to say more than you realise.
:Hug_emoticon:

[Felicitas]

I have this very strong side in me that kept me going for so many years. But when triggers come I doubt my self.

It is very good to hear that people want to read what I have to say.
It is just the opposite message from what i heared during trauma time.
And I did have good wise input at that time!!

[just tina]

Felicitas, I don't know why being traumatized by working with abandoned, starving kids would be questioned. Many of the people who are functioning fine now, might start to have symptoms later. Some may never be overwhelmed. Regardless, abandoned, starving kids are traumatized. Witnessing trauma---especially when you cannot fix everything---is VERY SERIOUS. Seeing children suffer is especially painful.

I sob reading about abandoned, starving children. I know I could not do such work for long. Most people couldn't do it at all. You did your best, and you are enough.

It would be a yet more tragic world if no one was disturbed by the profound suffering and violent deaths (starving is a violent death) of others. It doesn't need any justification or explanation.

[Felicitas]

Thank you a lot for your validation. It makes me really feel normal!
It is probably normal that people who are in this kind of work see themselves as able to deal with this suffering.
It is strange when you end up as the not normal one, who can't deal with it. But it should be normal to be affected like you and me who cry when we see starving kids, should'nt it!?
There is so much inexperience around in this kind of work.