Assault by Patient Ended My 23 year Nursing Career [Archive]

Boo-Damphir

24-08-2006, 02:30 AM

My name is Boo-Damphir. Here's my background in a nutshell (pun intended :)
I was sexually abused by my father as a child. Ran away at age 12, again at 13, and at age 14, my parents finally stopped looking. So I guess in today's terms, I was emancipated at age 14. My mother, who is now deceased (found her way out too) knew what was going on but lacked the personal stregth to step in the way. She loved me and protected me the best way she could; she sent me money while I was away from home and kept my location secret. As a young teen used to abuse, I tended to let others continue that cycle on me. At 14-16 when you are too young to work, you do what you have to to stay halfway fed and housed.
At 16 my Mom talked me into coming back to our town (but not back home.) She was the secretary to the President of our college and she made arrangements for me to move into the dorm and spend the summer getting my GED (since I never attended much of high school) and in the fall I was a 16 year old college freshman. I lived in the dorms which were ironically about 4 blocks from my parents home.
I floundered for the first year, learning social skills (from college kids - yeah right LOL) and completed the Nursing program. Shortly after graduation I went into the Army as a nurse and begged and pleaded to get assigned overseas (I'm so good at running far away)
I spent 5 wonderful years in Germany, I learned to kick ass and take names. I am woman, I am strong, I have no problems... oops... they follow you no matter where you go.
When I received my discharge papers I returned to the US and began dating a timid little mouse who became my first husband. although he was a firefighter by trade, he was easily bullied and manipulated - God how I loved to finally feel that power over someone else! After 4 years of my abuse, he decided enough was enough. I too saw the handwriting on the wall and understood why I had chosen him and why my behavior had taken on such an ugly face. After the divorce I spent the next many years working 60+ hours a week, climbing every corporate and educational ladder I could grasp. I was all business all the time. Super Nurse. "Sorry, no time for a personal life, I have lives to save!"
When I least expected it, Cupid hit me on the head with a huge brick. I met my husband Rick. Grounded, centered, solid, my night in shining armor. He's tattoo'd, rides a Harley, has had the same job for 29 years, cries at sad movies, gets angry when women, children and animals are abused.
In 2003, I was assaulted by a patient. He was in my post-surgical unit having had a knee replacement operation 3 days prior. I'm tall (5'11") and often use my height with difficult patients to "convince" them to behave. This particular patient was an ex-semi professional football player. From what I was able to gather after the assault, he had a long history of steroid and narcotic pain medication use/abuse - hence his psychotic behavior.
He attacked myself and another nurse in the bathroom, claiming he needed help walking. Once inside the small confines he began to beat on us, attacking one then the other. He was taller than me, thrice as wide and had fists like huge hams. There was a point when he had me by the shoulders banging me repeatedly against the wall telling me exactly how he was going to kill me; he was going to knock me unconscious then once on the floor he was going to bash my skull against the toilet until I was bone and brain matter. Thanks for the heads up asshole!! The other nurse and I took turns yelling at him to get his attention while the other could recover her stance. Eventually he began to tire and become unsteady on his feet. With what I can only define as ESP between the other nurse and I, we looked at eachother and knew what we had to do. We both flung ourselves at him pushing him off his feet as he fell backwards over the toilet. We then dashed out of the bathroom and closed the door behind us. We worked night shift, staff is limited, visitors have all gone home, there was really no one around to hear us or help us until it was all over and we could get to the telephone.

That was the night I reported for duty not knowing it would be the last time I would ever be a nurse again. My husband got that dreadful call, "Please come pick up your wife in the ER" "She's not working emergency tonight" he replied. "No Sir, she's here as a patient." Poor man, he still feels guilty for not being able to protect me. We've talked about survivor guilt, and how realistic it would be for him to follow me everywhere keeping the "bad" away.

I have bulging discs at C4-7, I have an L5/S1 injury and tears in the Cauda Equina portion of the base of my spine. I also have PTSD. This assault, out of all the others in my life seemed to be the straw that broke the camels' back. My balance is poor, I fall often, I take meds for chronic pain, meds for depression (which my Psychiartist feels is actually Dysthymia or "life long depression") and meds for anxiety and insomnia. I hate my meds, but I hate not having them worse. This last October I fell and sustained a head injury. My neurologist (let's add another specialist to my health care team...) says that people who have sustained numerous concussions over their lifetime are more suseptible to head injuries. Yep that's me, old "hard headed Boo."
So after 3 days of Cognitive Testing... I can add verbal and judgement cognitive impairment accompanied by debilitating migraines (I lose the ability to speak or move) to my lovely resume' :rofl:

So that's me... I don't know much for sure except that I have a husband who loves me very much, a Service Dog who will help me beyond belief in the areas of mobility, fall recovery, and Medical alert- he gives me about a 30 minute warning prior to a migraine.
I know I fight with anxiety and depression, but at least I fight. I still get angry, sometimes in inappropriate ways (see loving husband above)
I also know that no one is keeping score. I haven't paid my dues; there is no magic number of times to be assaulted and then you're safe the rest of your life. It could happen today when I take Raven my Service Dog to the vet. It could happen this evening as I lay in bed asleep (is that someone trying to pry open my window?) So I try not to get scared, there really is no place safe. I also know for sure that I've fought and won many times and am prepared to fight to the death any time in the future.

Somewhere among all the terror, days spent in my house, etc. the morning sun lights up the mountains in a pink glow, flowers in my garden explode in color, and the morning coffee never tasted so good.

YoungAndAngry

24-08-2006, 12:13 PM

Wow Boo,
And to think you were there to help/assist the damn guy...
it's just so... so... damn frusterating!!!

Boo-Damphir

24-08-2006, 08:29 PM

I have a friend in Sarajevo and we often talk about PTSD issues together. She couldn't believe that anything like that could happen to a nurse of all people in America! Her perception of life in America was a real eye opener for me; how wonderful that she thinks it's safe and peaceful. But I suppose many places seem like that if you've lived through the Bosnian War.

anthony

24-08-2006, 10:23 PM

Its funny you say that Boo, about the safe places, as I was just having a conversation the other night about how I don't ever want to come to America, because its nothing but hell and chaos continuously. Sure, if you live their, it is normal life, but when you live somewhere like Australia, what goes on in the US each day is not normal, not human and not society IMHO. I was saying that Australia had a murder rate around 250 last year, total, from approximately 26 million people in the country. One city in the USA has that in a day, let alone the rest of the crimes. I am not saying Australia is perfect, far from it, but after seeing the statistics, who in the hell would want to go to America to live? Oh... maybe someone who has survived a Bosnian war I suppose... hell, Iraq would be safer than that.

I posted statistics here somewhere, a bit funny really, in that there are more deaths in Washington DC per day than there are in Iraq per day... Iraq being a war zone, so what does that make the USA's capital?

Anyway... onto you Boo. From what you wrote above, nothing really surprises me anymore, and by what you wrote, you are sounding very confident and level headed about your illnesses. What didn't shine through though for me, is how are you really handling your PTSD and depression symptoms? I know your a nurse, but everything goes out the window with PTSD, as it takes over, and I have personally seen psychiatrists go down from PTSD, and they are supposed to be the strong one's in all this.

So, how are you really coping with PTSD itself at present? Are your symptoms leading you; more than you leading them?

Boo-Damphir

24-08-2006, 10:43 PM

Wow Anthony! Powerful questions... I really don't have an answer. Nor do I have the tools to get those answers. Any suggestions? I'm a much better caregiver than patient haha!
~Boo

anthony

24-08-2006, 11:09 PM

Ok, lets look at it this way. You said in another thread that your still having nightmares. What are the nightmares your having? What makes them up? Are the nightmares based on your last trauma or are they from your sexual assault as a child?

When you have a nightmare, are you waking up with a panic attack? Besides just the dreams, are you having flashbacks of your incident/s when awake?

At 14-16 when you are too young to work, you do what you have to to stay halfway fed and housed.
This part particularly interested me, and I am wondering whether you included that because you haven't spoken about it and need too? I can imagine as you are a female, what this means, being sexual occurences in exchange for money maybe, to feed and allow you to the basic requirements to live. Yes no? This alone would be sheer trauma, let alone your earlier childhood and your adulthood assault.

Boo, I could write an essay on the questions I have surrounding your initial trauma writing, but I think finding the above should help to find the root of all issues and atleast steer within the right direction to help get all this from you, because when you fear your dreams, your mind is telling you that you fear your past at some point, being your traumatic experiences.

Oh... and your not a patient here Boo... your a person, a person who is a part of this community, a community that wants to help you, support you and just be here for you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Boo-Damphir

24-08-2006, 11:27 PM

LOL! What I meant by not being a good patient is that I'm better at helping others than helping myself :)

Nightmares:I'm always being chased by mostly annonymous male figures. Occasionally there will be a woman in the dream who starts out as a friend then takes off her mask and takes sides with the bad guys. (trust issues)
They also always take place in a house; not always the same house. But I'm fascinated by dream analysis and have since learned that the house is a symbol for myself. I never get caught, but it is terrifying.
Sometimes I wake up in a panic and out of breath. Othertimes I'm able to climb up out of the dream state and wake myself up; then I just stay up to avoid a continuation of the dream. So yes, I am afraid of my dreams.

I don't have flashbacks of the assault when I'm awake, I don't allow it to come. I'm a real control freak so I control everything I can (or think I can)

And yes, as a young girl food and shelter often meant having sex with strangers. For years I punished myself for that and only in the last few years have I begun to understand that was just a continuation of child abuse. Over the last 10 years of our marriage I have told my husband most of this. He hates to hear it though and ends up being over protective of me as if he could be my Superman and protect me from harm.

anthony

25-08-2006, 12:12 AM

LOL! What I meant by not being a good patient is that I'm better at helping others than helping myself :)

Don't worry, I knew what you were saying, I think it was more than reaffirming male aspect coming out of me... pretty much what your husband does... the protective male traits.

Nightmares:I'm always being chased by mostly annonymous male figures. Occasionally there will be a woman in the dream who starts out as a friend then takes off her mask and takes sides with the bad guys. (trust issues)

They also always take place in a house; not always the same house. But I'm fascinated by dream analysis and have since learned that the house is a symbol for myself. I never get caught, but it is terrifying.

Interesting... Just throwing things out there... Do you think that being chased by anonymous males is more a reframing off being alone with any strange male? ie. you don't feel safe any longer for what occured with your assault! Or do you think it relates back to your sexual abuse, and running away so your father couldn't catch you? Or do you think the anonymous males is more a combination of both??? Or do you think the anonymous males is more to do with your 14 = 16 year old period?

Is the woman that is occassionally within the dreams, also a reframing of your mother maybe, in that she knew, but couldn't help, thus your mind perceives her being part of the darkness at times opposed to the safety a parent is usually viewed? Is there a remorse that your mother was your security, though also couldn't protect you from the abuse, thus your contemplating where she fits within the dream?

Why is the house a symbol for yourself? Could you please explain that too me, as I truly don't understand that aspect, and am pretty curious to know and learn as much as possible myself.

I am wondering, is it possible that when you where sexually active to live during your time away from home, did this take place more often in houses, ie. a different house each time? Is there really an aspect I guess of truth to your nightmare, opposed to just symbolism!

I guess I am a bit like yourself, in that I love to analyze things, and see what comes from them.

The above in no way is any suggestions, more just throwing ideas around to see if anything does relate, or anything you have not possibly thought yourself already. I guess I am more throwing things around as I often view more heads are better than one... the more ideas that get tossed about, you never know when one hits something on the head, or a part of something has merit... or then all of it could have no merit to how you perceive any of your dream state.

For years I punished myself for that and only in the last few years have I begun to understand that was just a continuation of child abuse.

Absolutely. Your actions are not to be blamed or self analyzed IMHO, but more you did what you had to do in order to survive, because of the abuse you initially endured from your father. Its really good to hear someone giving themselves the truth of the matter for what it was, and not still beating themselves up for having to survive, and do what was necessary at the time to achieve that. Look at you now for your actions Boo... you have a loving husband and made a good career for yourself, all against the odds because of your previous abuse. Nobody can say what you did was wrong, because the other choices were a lot more negative IMHO. It is a real shame that this person did what he did too you in the hospital. You try and help him, he beats you. Who could figure that one out!!!

Boo-Damphir

25-08-2006, 12:24 AM

I appreciate the protective male nature, I really do! I think no matter how much a woman may see herself as "liberated & independent" we all still want to believe in that knight in shining armour!

Definitely the strange anonymous male is every man who has ever physically or sexually abused me. The patient in the hospital was really no worse than other experiences I've had, perhaps just the one to kick off PTSD because I got cheated out of a career I love, my husband and I were planning our retirement, now everything is changed and that sucks!

According to several dream analysis books and workshops I've been to, the house symbolizes the self. The reason my houses have been in various forms were just a representation of how I viewed myself at the time. For instance before I began taking antidepressants I was usually being chased in an old dilapidated house with missing boards, no paint (ugly and undesirable) There was a time when the house was a tidy farm house with a wrap around porch in the middle of a cornfield - among the corn were thousands of snakes. (I was feeling stranded and alone). Another period the house I was being chased in was at the end of a cul de sac with the backyard opening up to the beach. (suicidal time, the only way to escape my chasers was to run into the ocean and drown)

I'm glad to find someone else that enjoys analyzing things, I love hearing other peoples' perspectives on things. I always learn something new!
~Boo

anthony

25-08-2006, 12:50 AM

WOW... that sounds pretty sensible. Thanks for sharing that with me Boo... as I really didn't understand that facet of thinking in regards to dreams. I do love to learn... I guess I'm a bit like a sponge, where I absorb as much as possible, sort it into what is and isn't important, then downgrade it to a more commonsense style of thinking for myself... being a very practical and commonsense approach person that I am.

I definately know what your saying about the catalyst, as my last deployment was the one that just threw me over the edge and exposed all my symptoms again, though this time they wouldn't suppress with alcohol and smoking... so I had to learn over the past years because of that damn catalyst.

Boo... do you ever get angry because of what this person did when they assaulted you in regards to ending your career? I understand the obvious factors with your injuries, but I mean a more mental anguish / anger, as you eluded, you had a plan for your career, marriage and retirement, then it all got left fielded because of this stupid persons desire to inflict punishment upon you...

I will say one thing boo... you are very tight about releasing your emotions in regard to your past... but that will come I think... I suspect it is a bit of a trust issue still, being new to the board and feeling your way around me and others first, and possibly you are a bit fearful of bringing up the unknown emotions and the impact that is going to have upon you... being the control freak you said you where!!! Being that I have PTSD myself, I understand all these issues.

Boo-Damphir

25-08-2006, 02:08 AM

Yes, I get very angry; sometimes downright homicidal! I'm also terrified of my rage / of losing control. My father was a very ragefilled angry man and I know from past experiences that I also have this capacity brewing under the surface. I think that's why I enjoyed the Army so much because in that social structure it was perfectly acceptable to act out on feelings of anger. There is no doubt in my mind that I could and would kill someone if the choice was my life or theirs; that's pretty scary.

Since I now have physical limitations I'm still searching for ways to defuse my anger. That would be much healther than floating down the river "deNial" LOL
~Boo

YoungAndAngry

25-08-2006, 03:27 AM

floating down the river "deNial" LOL

deNial...
Bahahaha!!!
Boo, that's wicked :)

anthony

26-08-2006, 01:41 AM

LOL... I like that myself. I will come back to this though tomorrow, as I have been a bit busy lately and need a rest myself.

anthony

28-08-2006, 12:24 AM

Yes, I get very angry; sometimes downright homicidal! I'm also terrified of my rage / of losing control. My father was a very ragefilled angry man and I know from past experiences that I also have this capacity brewing under the surface.

Ok, starting point. Do you believe your rage has been more passed from your father to you Boo? Do you think this is more a progressive learning event that merely became "normal" for you, in that because this type of anger was surrounding you constantly, it is now just part of you? Do you know that the chain can be broken, if you want too?

There is no doubt in my mind that I could and would kill someone if the choice was my life or theirs; that's pretty scary.

I don't think thats scary, because i know I can kill someone if it comes to their life or mine. What distincts you Boo, is that you have assimilated that it needs to be a life or death situation for you act that way, so in this case, your rage is warranted. I see this as very normal actually. If you said you felt like killing people, or could kill someone if they made you mad enough, that would be an issue, but when it comes to your life or theirs, direct threat within the circumstance, its a natural choice for survival.

Boo, what did you feel when assaulted? Did you feel helplessness that you couldn't get control of the situation faster, before the injury and infliction of pain upon you and your colluege? Did you feel your life was about to end, in that his words where about to become reality? Did you feel emotionally hurt, pained, that this could happen to you and why you?

Why do you think this happened to you Boo? Do you have an emotional or logical reasoning to the occurence?

Boo-Damphir

28-08-2006, 03:07 AM

Oh Anthony... how you make me think! You are really good at asking what we nurses call "therapeutic" questions (wink)
Yes- I do think that my propensity for anger is inherited and reinforced through my environment (the old nature vs. nurture debate.) At this point I'm not ready to break that chain, simply because I don't have anything to replace it with; and I'm afraid of becoming a timid or vulnerable, scared of my shadow person. Anger gives me courage? Makes me feel tough? Don't know yet.

During the assault I felt nothing. No pain, no panic or fear. A very calm "me" took over and like a dance I have rehearsed over and over throughout the years, I knew the steps to take in order to stay alive. The fact that he told me how he was going to kill me solidified my actions. I knew I was not dealing with a patient who could be talked down or rationalized with. My determination was just as great as his. Afterwards when the adrenaline subsides, I remember the pain and numbness setting in. I remember trying to complete my incident report and my left leg losing its' feeling. That's when I was sent to the ER. So that sums up my "feelings" during the assault.

I think the assault happened to me because I was equipped to handle it. If it had been another nurse with a different experiences, she may have died. I can't decifer if that is an emotional or a logical view of the occurance.

Damn you're good, my brain hurts LOL!
~Boo

veiled

28-08-2006, 03:19 PM

He is good...

The anger does give you a sense of power, it feels so much better than the fear. That is a point I am hitting. Bouts of rage hit that I get scard I could hurt somebody if they caught me at the wrong time, I haven't learned to control it yet, which doesn't help my avoidance of going into public places with people around. But I am just content right now as it squashes my fear in the one trauma my doc is trying to address.

I have no outlet to place that rage... I am working on it. Just want you to know you are not alone.

anthony

28-08-2006, 10:37 PM

At this point I'm not ready to break that chain, simply because I don't have anything to replace it with; and I'm afraid of becoming a timid or vulnerable, scared of my shadow person. Anger gives me courage? Makes me feel tough? Don't know yet.

Boo, breaking the link in the chain from your past, isn't really about replacing it with anything, its just about breaking it. These exact answers are the solutions, in that you need to break the chain off anger and be vunerable, let yourself be emotional, allow yourself to be human! With PTSD, we want to control everything, we believe we need to control everything surrounding us, but in actual fact, there is no need. Being emotional, being vunerable, is being human. Anger is not an emotion, it is an action. Why do you need to "feel" tough? Is there a purpose to this false feeling? You say that anger gives you courage, but I think you need to look further than that, because again, anger is an action, not an emotion, so in actual fact, there is an underlying emotion that gives you your courage, not anger itself. Self esteem gives you courage, which is made up of emotions... feeling worthwhile gives your courage... feeling happy gives you courage. What are you really feeling that is giving you courage Boo? Are you trying to fake courage through anger? That is impossible, because there has to be an emotion attached to your courage. So... you know yourself the best... what is that emotion?

During the assault I felt nothing. No pain, no panic or fear. A very calm "me" took over and like a dance I have rehearsed over and over throughout the years, I knew the steps to take in order to stay alive.

So are you saying, that your instincts are a reaction of your training for these situations?

Afterwards when the adrenaline subsides, I remember the pain and numbness setting in. I remember trying to complete my incident report and my left leg losing its' feeling. That's when I was sent to the ER. So that sums up my "feelings" during the assault.

Boo, I think your one hell of a strong person to be very honest with you, because what you have faced, continue to face on a day to day basis with PTSD, is more than what the human soul is expected to cope with, hence the PTSD. I think you have done an amazing job throughout all of this, from your assault, recovery and handling PTSD. Well done.

I think the assault happened to me because I was equipped to handle it. If it had been another nurse with a different experiences, she may have died. I can't decifer if that is an emotional or a logical view of the occurance.

I can... your bordering both from what I read. Your emotional response is contained within your ability to handle that situation from your own self knowledge, awareness and esteem. The logical response is that if it occured to another, who maybe wasn't as emotionally capable or physically able to handle the situation, they could have been killed. That's my view of what I read above.

Boo... now that I have you thinking, lets travel back in time shall we?

Ran away at age 12, again at 13, and at age 14, my parents finally stopped looking.

So, your mother is deceased, what about your father? You said you ran away at 12, 13 and 14... why did you return each time? When you finally did move back to your hometown at 16, was your mother still living with your father?

Boo-Damphir

29-08-2006, 01:14 AM

Good Morning Anthony,
I've jotted down some notes about your questions. I am estranged from my father since the age of 14 (even though we live in the same town / if he's still alive ??) and yes, my Mother was with him until her death at age 52 of cardiac disease.

When I was 12 and 13, my parents would either find me, or I'd get caught by the police who would contact my parents and haul my butt back home.

Yes, I see my experiences in the past as valuable training for the unknown junk that can happen in the future. I understand that I can still be the victim of a violent crime anytime.

Anger is an action - ok, that makes sense. Feeling safe gives me courage. Yes, I do fake courage through anger, I don't want to "look" like a victim or be an easy target because of my physical handicaps. At closer look, determination and self-assurance give me courage.

~Boo-Damphir

anthony

29-08-2006, 04:58 PM

Boo,

How did you feel emotionally about your mother still being with your father, as your father was your initial abuser? Your relationship with your mother was ok by what I read, but obviously not your father, as the abuser, though she stayed with him even though she knew what had occured. I ask this because I have had this conversation with Piglet, who lay within the similar circumstances... and it hurts her emotionally in regard to her parents ignoring her brothers abuse. A large part that needs to be healed, and am wondering if this is the same for you.

Do you feel that she didn't believe you, or ignored what was happening? How did that make you feel emotionally?

You say you don't want to look like a victim boo... but with your disabilities, would someone else look upon you already as possibly being the victim without even asking? You are the victim boo... You have had horrific acts imposed upon you without your consent. Its ok to be the victim boo.

Why would your disabilities make you an easy target? Obviously decreased ability in bodily motion provides hinderance, but from whay you have already described in your ability to fight aggressors, your certainly not doing too bad for yourself in that sense.

I think allowing ourselves to be vunerable stems further than just PTSD, as this is a general human characteristic, maybe that our PTSD just exaserbates the degree more!!!

Boo-Damphir

30-08-2006, 06:14 PM

My Mother is Native American and so culturally she had to stay in the marriage; I understand that. She did know about the abuse and protected me the only way she knew how - help me stay away by supporting me financially as best she could. Once when I had run away to Florida, the police found me and called my parents and rather than my father coming to get me, my Mother and my Grandmother (her mother) came to Florida. They stayed for 2 weeks, we had 3 generations of first born daughters all together, it was wonderful!! I returned home with them and lived with my Grandmother for quite a while. But in hindsight, I think that was the one and only time my Mother got to "run away from home" too. None of us were in any hurry to get back.

Regarding my physical disabilitites, those are the result of my assault in July '03. Prior to that I was hiking mountain trails, jogging, swimming, anything physical and outdoors I was all for it. Now because of my neck and spinal cord injuries I can only sit or walk for about 30 minutes at a time. I walk like Frankenstein :crazy-eye and depend on Raven, my Service Dog for assistance with mobility. So yes, if it weren't for Raven, I would be easy prey.

Here's a picture of Raven and I waiting for a doctors appointment (my buddy, my independence!!) 44 My husband feels better being at work during the day knowing that Raven is home or out and about with me too. Anything I can do to take a load of worry off his shoulders is a good thing! Here's a picture of Raven standing next to our Black Lab 45

YoungAndAngry

31-08-2006, 06:14 AM

Raven is gorgous!!!!

Very very nice looking dog!

I love dobies :)

anthony

31-08-2006, 01:02 PM

Yep, must agree, very nice pups indeed Boo... your very lucky to have such good companions.

Kells

31-08-2006, 01:49 PM

Boo, I find the dream analysis quite intriguing as I have often wondered about my own dreams. Hmmm, I should look into that. Although some of my dreams involve being attacked sexually, I've noticed that many of my nightmares are horribly violent, bloody nightmares that usually involve my children =( Ugh, why do they HAVE to involve my children? It's always someone I can't see hurting them as I fight to stop it and save them.

Boo-Damphir

31-08-2006, 10:24 PM

Hey Kells,
There are some really good books out there on dream analysis. I started with the Freudian-based ones (rolling my eyes) and worked my way through. Some were better than others, but you'll begin to see some common themes.

My guess? Your dreams involve your children because of your strong parenting instincts. Your fear is that they will re-live your life traumas and that fear "materializes" in your dreams.

Journaling might help those dreams to go away. Start a page called "The worst thing that could happen to my children is..." and begin writing. Be as graphic as you need to since your dreams sound pretty graphic.

Like bringing any fear out of the dark and in to the light, that fear usually loses a lot of its powerful hold over you.

That's my wish for us all today -
Just one night of peaceful, restful, dreamless sleep

anthony

01-09-2006, 12:36 AM

Boo... I think you should be counselling the rest of us!

Boo-Damphir

01-09-2006, 02:02 AM

Anthony, what a glorious compliment! But as I was reading some of Veiled's posts earlier, I found myself getting sucked in to her pain and emotions. I'm such a "fixer" that I wanted to do something to make it all better for her. That's neither helpful nor therapeutic for either of us! I actually learn a lot from reading your replies as you are able to see the big picture. I'm just not there yet, but I've got a big mouth and I'll throw my 2 pence in wherever I can LOL!!!

anthony

01-09-2006, 02:45 AM

I think you nearly have the secret down pat boo... You are right though, in that I do read messages and I not get drawn into venting, instead only look at issues. Your a nurse, so you have a whole realm of experience I could only imagine, and I have no doubt that experience will show more and more here... Venting is good, and we all need to vent, part of the process IMHO.

Thank you for your compliment... always nice to be compliments I believe... makes a persons day a little better.

Boo-Damphir

05-09-2006, 03:53 AM

9/4/06
Great :dontknow: - page 4 and I'm stumped.
"Describe your own personal experience with mood swings and how they've affected your life."

I've always been depressed, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain (dysthymia.) I don't have "normal" levels of seritonin and norepinephrine. I don't think I've had mood swings such as a Bipolar person does. But I do have days when I can make myself ignore feelings of sadness and fake having a pretty good day.

I can experience true joy but they are times brought to me by others. I don't think I've ever initiated my own joyful experience.

Most days are colored brown, tan if I'm lucky. When I'm angry (hard to determine why) my day is magenta. When I'm depressed badly, the days are colored black.

Since 1999 when I began taking Prozac for depression (yeah!) I have mostly tan and brown days. I can remember the black days and occasionally they have lasted for 3 days. My magenta days are no longer entire days, perhaps only half a day; at which time I journal or self-talk to rationalize why I'm angry. If I can't figure out why, I just say "I'm angry, get over it." Usually take a nap and hope to wake up in a better mood.

In 2004 I sought out a Psychiatrist whom I knew on a professional basis and trusted him for his experience and non-traditional approaches to restoring chemical brain balance. After a year or so of trial and error with different meds, I am now stable (fingers crossed) on a combination of Prozac, Klonopin, and Effexor. Most Doctors look puzzled at my med list but when they see the prescribing Drs name, they defer to his expertise.

Past co-workers have described me as "very friendly and helpful, great sense of humor" or "quiet, professional, not always approachable."
I think since my assault and "retirement" I am mostly quiet and appear unapproachable and I like that.

Even when out with my husband I hate having people I don't know come up and talk to us. I hate the guy at the dog park who asked why I walk with a cane, what happened to me, etc. All those nosey questions that are none of his business. I just mumbled, "I don't talk about it." and walked away from him. He followed and apologized for intruding, then extended his hand to introduce himself. At that point I called the dogs back to me; when he saw the 3 Dobermans and my discomfort he left me alone. Nice guy? I don't care. My reaction? Get the hell out of there, back to the safety of my car and back home. Do I want to change this behavior? No, it serves me well.

anthony

05-09-2006, 02:25 PM

"Describe your own personal experience with mood swings and how they've affected your life."

Boo, if you didn't notice before, in the thread encompassing exposure therapy (http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread566.html), down the bottom there is information on MOOD management, which I believe will directly help you to assess this yourself and answer this question after a couple of weeks.

I've always been depressed, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain (dysthymia.) I don't have "normal" levels of seritonin and norepinephrine. I don't think I've had mood swings such as a Bipolar person does. But I do have days when I can make myself ignore feelings of sadness and fake having a pretty good day. I can experience true joy but they are times brought to me by others. I don't think I've ever initiated my own joyful experience.

Boo... you are sterotyping the typical symptoms of overgeneralization from your PTSD here. "Always" is overgeneralizing your emotional response, because you then say in the next breath, "I can experience true joy" which means at that time, your not depressed, instead you are joyful, hence you cannot "always" be depressed and be "joyful" at the same time. Overgeneralization is a huge issue with PTSD sufferers, and you have really just exaserbated this to me about your true self.

So, have you considered all the evidence or are you just looking at this event / specific events within your trauma?

You can talk yourself down all you want, and if you continue to do so, then there is no reason for you to ever feel "normal" again without depression and without the medication, because you believe everything is fine and dandy in your world in regard to your coping ability and your depression. I can say this Boo, because I am just as stubborn and strong headed as yourself, and I once thought I had everything under control also, and I found every reason, medical also, to not have to push myself to find that better place within life again. I decided to succumb to being more open minded, and I learnt that all my reasoning was only that, "my reasoning", my reasoning was wrong and I could change the way things were, regardless what the medical facts were. You confirmed this in your ending statement, "Do I want to change this behavior? No, it serves me well" which means you can change, but you don't want too. You can enjoy life without depression, without the medication you believe gets you through... but you have to make that choice to first endure some more pain to get there.

You have become complacent with your symptoms as being more an excuse for you to use, or a falacy to change is lacking more to the point. See, you have said that you have suffered trauma as a child, then continually you have had traumatic events, so a more realistic statement could be, "I have suffered bouts of depression throughout my life because of my lifetime off trauma's". This would simply reflect to the common symptoms of PTSD, and that what you now feel, you feel is normal, and your happy with, but it obviously isn't normal, because you are not coping in society, instead you are fearful, and you need to return to your safe place, being your car or home, because you fear the world is bad, you fear the world is going to hurt you. You are living in fear IMHO. I used to be that way also...

Since 1999 when I began taking Prozac for depression (yeah!) I have mostly tan and brown days. I can remember the black days and occasionally they have lasted for 3 days. My magenta days are no longer entire days, perhaps only half a day; at which time I journal or self-talk to rationalize why I'm angry. If I can't figure out why, I just say "I'm angry, get over it." Usually take a nap and hope to wake up in a better mood.

All of this screams fear of trauma, fear of past, I am afraid to deal with my memories, because you are using ineffective coping strategies, strategies which you tell yourself are working for you, but you also cognitively know they are not as effective as you are trying to convince yourself.

I think since my assault and "retirement" I am mostly quiet and appear unapproachable and I like that.

Why do you like that boo? Why do you like not being approachable? What pleasure do you get from knowing people cannot approach you and chat with you, or even offer assistance if "they" believe you may need it, or simply being nice people who just want to chat. What feeling of reward or satisfaction comes from this thinking and behavioural pattern?

I hate the guy at the dog park who asked why I walk with a cane, what happened to me, etc. All those nosey questions that are none of his business. I just mumbled, "I don't talk about it." and walked away from him. He followed and apologized for intruding, then extended his hand to introduce himself. At that point I called the dogs back to me; when he saw the 3 Dobermans and my discomfort he left me alone. Nice guy? I don't care. My reaction? Get the hell out of there, back to the safety of my car and back home. Do I want to change this behavior? No, it serves me well.

I see serious trust issues here Boo... and I think you do also. Do you think that maybe he was actually interested, not to be nosey, because maybe one of his family use a cane also or his partner even, for a disability? Maybe he was just lonely and wanted some conversation with someone he thought looked like a nice respectable lady who would just chat with him?

What I see here is that you use labels to apply to people before you even know them. This is also typical of PTSD once again. What would be the worst that would have happened to you if you replied to him? What would be the worst that you believe could have happened by having a conversation with a stranger in a public place and having your dogs at hand?

Do you see where I am going in regard to your thinking patterns? Do you see that you are using typical thought systems of PTSD which are controlling you, instead of you controlling them?

Being a female, I understand that females tend to have more concerns in relation to strangers, however; there are appropriate times and places for these concerns, then others not so, ie. public places and dogs at hand is security for you to chat and relearn your coping and communication skills with strangers and other people in general. If it was night, dark or shadowed, and a male approached you, that is a different event which requires a different approach and attitude at the time. This differentiation is normal, labelling is not, aggressiveness is not, social withdrawal is not.

I am trying to push you here boo in a positive way, not a negative manner, so please don't take anything as an aggressive approach, instead more a positive approach to your statements to question your thinking styles.

Boo-Damphir

05-09-2006, 09:50 PM

What would be the worst that would have happened to you if you replied to him? What would be the worst that you believe could have happened by having a conversation with a stranger in a public place and having your dogs at hand?
************************************************** ****************
The worst that could have happened is that he hit me in the head and drug me off in the bushes. But you are absolutely correct about trust and labeling on my part. If he were a woman or an older man I would have engaged in conversation. But I "profiled" him; he was in his late 40's early 50's athletic, nice-looking. He did tell me that he ownes a local bed and breakfast, so he is used to striking up friendly conversations with total strangers. Likeable - yes; was he telling the truth? Don't know (trust again...)

Feeling "black" today, my husband is feeling some financial stress. Even though I haven't worked since the day of my assault in 2003, there are still times when my Social Security Disability monthly income is just a painful reminder that things will never be the same for us. He picked up 3 of my prescriptions yesterday and mentioned this morning that I'm "on drugs all the time now" - he's just missing our "old" lifestyle together. So do I. He's off to work now, I think I'll have myself a cup of tea and a good cry.

veiled

06-09-2006, 05:55 AM

I am guessing a part of that good cry is from him pointing out things you don't want to face. He has to me and it sucks but it always rings true; listen to Anthony for a good push in the right direction. None of us like being pushed, who does? But sometimes we need it!

Listen to what you said above he's just missing our "old" lifestyle together. So do I

That right there shows you have not been like this forever. Though with the trauma in your life you may have gone up and down, you have had ups and a lifestyle. You have not always been in this deep of a gutter. This last trauma has just sucked you in where you think you can't fight your way back up, but you can, you will just have to fight harder.

I know I have suffered various traumas and I somehow functioned sometimes on meds sometimes not. I finally hit a point where it consumed me and I had a nervous breakdown that I did not see coming that I have spent a year fighting until I got the proper diagnosis. It wasn't until the breakdown and no amount of medication could control it any longer that I took the necessary actions... I had no choice. I could no longer hide behind meds because they simply could not control it anymore and having such bad reactions to others led to a healthy dose of med phobia that stopped me from trying any new ones any further. The antibiotics I just took last week induced panic attacks!

I know you have it harder with the physical disabilities now to scar you forever but I know you have strength the strength to not let it pull you into this abyss any further.

I can also understand the finacial aspect. Our retirement was cashed out to treat me. Now hubs is going on week 3 no work, no income...

Follow Anthony's guidance... it will help lead you to a better place. I know I go through a typical roller coaster now that I am starting to see a pattern in. I go in for my session, depending on the type of session I either come out feeling so out of it it isn't funny or I am a bit more relaxed. But within a day or so I am sucked so far down for a few days I think I cannot handle sinking any further and panic consuming me, then I emerge again feeling a wee bit better. Toss that in with a good bit of not so good aggression through it all.

I will go hide in bed all day and I know I am sucked in by depression. Yes, you can say chemical imbalance, but is also one that can be battled med free to change it. I have to go read what Anthony writes about it, if you don't see yourself getting out of bed you won't. You have to force yourself up and out. I have to keep that in my head or I would never bathe, feed animals, put on clothes... But the more I force myself the better I feel and then I go to threapy to start it all over. Example this AM... My little baby poults are growing so big. I was tossing around the idea do I go feed or just have one of the kids do it when school is out, I have no energy. My turkeys are getting so big now. I have been waiting to see the big tail fan sticking up like a short pied cock tail... I decided to go feed. Finally one of my boys did it! He fluffed his red feathers out and stuck up his red and white tail fanned all out. He was beautiful and it just changed my outlook on the morning. Or I could have just missed it. My birds are just my babies and they are used to cheer me ways other things can't. I have geese, ducks, exotic chickens, guineas, and turkeys... Barnyard fowl are just "my thing". My pied hen and cock flew away :( though.

Am I better? Noooo. But I am coming down the road far enough now to notice my attacks are not as intense, my headaches are not as often, the muscle spasms from stress are not as often, nightmares still come and go and have been changing up like telling me now address this issue next... My good days when they come are better days than what I used to view as a good day. It feels like a painfully slow process but it is working.

I don't know if you are any pain killers for chronic pain... That I cannot say anything about due to total ignorance in the area. But the shrink meds you can come off of during the process. I know you can and you will if you just take one of your good days to decide this is it and talk to the doc about weaning and approaching healing in a different manner. And yes, withdrawals are a mother f*er and make it even harderk.

You may have that cane forever and the memories to go with it and your other memories. But we need to support each other and be there for each other so they are nothing more than that one day, not daily nightmares that keep us looking over our shoulders and on 24 hr guard. I believe we can all get there, but we have to make the first step in believing in ourself first that we CAN.

I believe in you, now do you? Do you believe in me and my process I have been going through? Anthony able to make it to the other side? Why can't you? I know you can, you just need to believe it now to and take that step. It is a long road, but we all have to take that first step. Hugs.

Boo-Damphir

06-09-2006, 08:12 AM

It really does help to know that others understand. It's just one of those roller coaster rides in life, now and probably for the next day I'll be depressed. This too will pass.
Thanks for listening :smile:

anthony

06-09-2006, 10:46 AM

The result is effective then Boo... because your now down and thinking. If you said everything was all fine and rosey, then I wouldn't have pushed hard enough in my last statement.

I see it like this at a good estimated guess. Because of your medical training already and experience within the industry, I knew you would be harder to get out of denial, the denial that you believe medication is fixing you, the denial that your husband has just pointed out to you also in the statement veiled quoted. We can all see it, you cannot, and I am really trying to get you to see what is "normal" vs. what is "PTSD" related.

I am really glad, in that I knew if I let you go abit, I was pretty sure you would come back with what you wrote for my last response, in that things would come out of you, the problems would come out of you, then you just needed them turned around back at you to have a look at.

I hated that with a passion when it was done to me... actually, it really pissed me off, and it took me a week or so to see what my counsellor did to me, then went back and approached her about her actions... which she confirmed for me. Again, something you will understand because you and I are similar in this fashion, we like to analyse.

Your doing really great Boo. Now I am starting to see your brain really turning over.

metaphase twig

07-09-2006, 03:57 AM

HI Boo,
I was reading your story because I was thinking about posting mine too. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I was just shocked that something like that could happen in a hospital setting. I just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage.
Hugs,
MT

Boo-Damphir

07-09-2006, 04:01 AM

MT,
Thank you so much, I hope my story can inspire you to tell yours as well. It's hard but SO therapeutic!
~Boo

Boo-Damphir

08-09-2006, 03:42 AM

What interests have you pursued in the past?
hiking, biking (I have my own Harley), horseback riding, running, swimming, shopping, reading, of course my identity=Nursing

What interests do you look forward to pursuing now and in the future?
my husband had my Harley converted into a Trike so I would like to go for rides with him more, I try to take the dog out for a walk everyday (usually ends up being only 2 dys per week), reading, housework, cooking (I actually do like being domestic; who knew?)

How do those changes make you feel?
pissed, cheated, empty, less than, pity, would like to get physical revenge on my attacker, lonely, isolated, freakish, weak, feel like I"m letting my husband down because so much of our lives has changed, I have lost my identity, I'm no longer an "expert" at anything

Given where you are now, if your life could be any way you wanted, what would it be like?
I would like to have my husband have his "survivor guilt" issues dealt with, we would be better adjusted to our changes, I would be more emotionally stable and therefore cause my husband less worry. He would be able to freely share his concerns and problems without fear of getting me depressed; I guess back to sharing everything like we used to. I would like to take a trip somewhere (Ireland?) I would like to be better adjusted to my physical disabilities so they don't feel like such a hinderance. I would like to re-gain some of that carefree attitude I've always had.

anthony

08-09-2006, 10:36 PM

feel like I"m letting my husband down because so much of our lives has changed

Boo, have you asked your husband if he feels like you are letting him down?

I'm no longer an "expert" at anything

Why not? Do you no longer posess the knowledge you did?

Boo-Damphir

08-09-2006, 11:19 PM

Yes, I've asked my husband if he feels like I've let him down and he adamantly says, "No!" He reinforces to me that I didn't ask for my life to be changed. I guess it's just my self worth that I'm questioning; which ties into the next part -
Yes, I still have that knowledge (although with medicine changing so fast I may not be up so speed on current things) So my education and years of experience weren't for naught... I guess it's just that after putting on that uniform and doing what I did best for so many years, I'm not quite sure what I look like in the mirror these days. I do like the domestic aspect of myself (gardening, cooking, cleaning) those allow me to be creative. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll look in the mirror and instead of expecting to see a Nurse, I'll see Beaver Cleaver's mother standing there in her heels, pearls and apron! :rofl: I would like that.

anthony

09-09-2006, 01:35 AM

Ah... and so you just turned your previous negative thinking styles into realistic thinking styles. You realise you can't think for others, so instead you ask. Yes, you do need to believe what others say, because that is all the realistic facts you have on their feelings towards the question.

I am glad you answered that Boo... because you really need to know that you are still the same person. You have the same body, same mind, same eyes, same skin, same nose... you are the same. Sure, you now have physical limitations, but "you" as a person are still YOU. You still are a nurse, you still have that knowledge, you are still YOU. You haven't turned into another person Boo... just you.

Boo-Damphir

22-09-2006, 12:49 AM

"How do you like to be treated when you're depressed?"

*kindly, gently
*with compassion
*with patience
*I want someone to keep me safe
*I want to be comforted
*with honesty
*quietly, without panic
*just be there - without talk about how wonderful life is
*by people reducing the demands on me
*I want people to be direct and ask if I need to talk
************************************************** ****

"What I don't want from others during depressive episodes"

*don't avoid me
*don't tell me to get my act together or get over it
*don't pressure me to go out
*don't tell me to cheer up
*don't tell me it's all your fault that you can't keep me happy
************************************************** *****

"Things that trigger my depression"

*too much to do, feeling overwhelmed
*traumatic news events
*sad memories of lost loved ones
*I'm not always sure what triggers my depression
************************************************** *****

"My warning signs of depression"

*anxiety
*inability to experience pleasure
*lack of motivation
*avoiding others/ isolating
*the beginning of irrational thought patterns
*feeling the need to run away
*increased negativity
*wanting more sleep than usual
*negative self-talk
*don't like my own image in the mirror
*careless attitude towards my meds (tendancy to take more pain or sleeper meds; not for overdose, just to sleep away time)
*not wanting to shower or brush my hair

anthony

24-09-2006, 01:01 AM

Now isn't it funny that you can activly think about all the warnings, triggers and leadup signs to a symptom, yet we often struggle with them unknowingly??? Boo, now you need to remember all these that you have listed, and when you begin to get any one of them, counter them through productive technique. Example: not wanting to shower or brush my hair; possible depression coming on... Accept it, or reject it! If you don't want to be depressed, then get active, get healthy, maintain an interest or hobby for the following days, push past the warning signs, which eventually leads to you sub-conciously performing techniques without any more thought, hence you no longer get depressed for the frequency or duration that you currently do.

Boo-Damphir

24-09-2006, 01:13 AM

That's been my bain of existance as long as I can remember. I know what my symptoms are and can even tell myself, "you are starting to isolate yourself, you're getting depressed." But when I try to talk myself into doing something with purpose, the depression wins. The negative self-talk starts and I drive myself down even further; even though I'm very aware that I'm doing it (???)
I have these symptoms and triggers posted in my journal and use them every morning like a "how do you feel today" checklist.
I can be so stubborn, it's frustrating :angry-fla

Boo-Damphir

04-10-2006, 12:57 PM

Chapter 17- Building Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

1.) In what ways have mood disorders contributed to lowering your self-esteem?
feeling negative about myself, adversly affecting performance, fear of interacting with others, inability to complete anything, continually finding fault with myself, rages and fits that cause self-loathing, inability to trust my own perceptions, feelings of inadequacy

2.) What strategies work to raise your self-esteem?
changing my thought processes, believing in myself, giving myself credit for accomplishments, determination to get more out of life, self-affirmation, self-acceptance, lowering my perfectionist standards, focusing on the positive, living only day to day (sometimes only minute by minute), thinking of myself as a good and positive person, putting on makeup every day even if I don't leave the house, learn new skills, keeping my house in order, learning more about self-help, avoiding people who bring me down, being supportive of others, doing meditation and relaxation exercises, before going to sleep at night I remind myself of what I have accomplished that day

anthony

04-10-2006, 04:07 PM

Oh how I love to see double the positives for the negatives. Did you notice that Boo? I did... exceptional work to find more positives than negatives... exceptional.

Boo-Damphir

08-10-2006, 07:41 AM

I had a rather interesting dream when I took a mid-day nap today. I dreamt of a friendship that morphed into feelings of estrangement.

The meaning was really obvious when I woke up. I had a very dear friend for years and although we had weathered many storms together, going through my :moon: salt (assault LOL!) took its' toll on our relationship. We really tried to stay friends, but my lifestyle had changed and she was raising a pre-teen daughter by herself (her Air Force husband recently deployed.) It was amicable but sad none the less.

So, I guess I'm just mourning the loss of a dear friend. Even though I have made several new friends (who didn't know me "before") it's still a loss that carries a bit of a sting :crybaby:
I'll give it the time it deserves today - then onward and upward :rolleyes:

anthony

09-10-2006, 01:28 AM

Have you considered ringing her to just say hi?

Boo-Damphir

09-10-2006, 01:46 AM

She has actually moved out of state so (for now at least) we have truly lost contact. I'm much better today, I just needed the afternoon to honor the good parts about our friendship and to wish her well on her new lifes' journey (wherever she is)
~Boo

veiled

09-10-2006, 06:24 AM

Boo, you are just taking amazing leaps for the positive thinking! I mean missing an old friend you made even sound positive. I can't wait to get where you are, you are doing so good!

Boo-Damphir

09-10-2006, 11:21 AM

Oh Thanks Veiled. If it's contagious I'll try to pass it along to everyone. I was just having a conversation with my husband about how good I feel. He asked what brought it on and all I could think of was "I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired." I know it's not as easy as all that, but it does come down to a certain amount of stubborness. "I Choose" are really magical words!
Hugs to all,
Boo

anthony

09-10-2006, 01:44 PM

Good stuff boo... exceptional efforts from yourself.

Boo-Damphir

20-10-2006, 03:53 AM

I pretty much got everything out of the Depression Workbook that I needed to for now. I think it is a great tool for me when my "feeling vocabulary" gets reduced to "I feel angry" NOT a feeling!! I have to laugh because that was a tough lesson to learn.

Now I am starting in the PTSD Workbook. It's copyright is 2002 (post 9/11) so I'm anxious to see how much Crisis Caregivers have learned about this disorder. Golly... I might even learn something about myself :loopy: .
When I am afraid of tackling a new task I've noticed that in addition to avoidance, I also use humor a lot. Hoping that if everyone laughs they'll forget where I was headed in the first place :think: .

Pre-event factors that apply to me:
* previous multiple exposures to severe adverse life events
* early depression that impacts brain chemistry
* previous head injuries
* ineffective coping skills
* family instability
* trouble with authority, running away
* absence of social support to help out in bad times

Actual event factors that apply to me:
* being a victim of multiple traumatic incidents
* being involved in an intentional, man-made traumatic event

Post-event factors that apply to me:
* not being able to do something about what happened
* inability to find meaning in the suffering
* having an immediate reaction that icludes high blood pressure, a prolonged startle reaction, and avoidance or numbing symptoms
************************************************** *

My positive abilities to cope with trauma:
* I am open to new experiences
* I am conscientious in the work I do
* I believe that my source of personal power lies within me
* I try to find meaning in what happened to me
* I try to break down bad situations into manageable parts I can handle
* I am motivated to solve the problems that occur in my life
* I see things more positively than negatively
* I try to take control in situations whenever possible
* I am committed to overcoming the bad things I have experienced in life
* I have a good social support system
* I understand my life's circumstances and what I can and cannot do about them
* I have a good sense of humor
* I have a sense of hope
* At times, I am open to how others feel
* I am an action-oriented person
* I actively try to structure my own life and make my own plans

Conclusion:
I'm amazed at how many postive aspects there are about my personality in regards to how I view my current situation. I am proud of that.
Next task- explore the symptoms of Complex PTSD (yikes!) - but not today.

anthony

20-10-2006, 01:08 PM

Boo... your last statement took the words out of my mouth to be honest. I just read that in awe, thinking the same thing, then got too your last paragraph.

Bloody well done boo... I knew you had this in you with your experience. Self analysis is such a hard one, but when we apply ourselves enough, we do what you are doing. Congratulations boo... and I look forward to seeing more from you.

I think your a shining example of self analysis for all of us to learn from. Thank you for shareing that with us Boo. I am much appreciative.

Boo-Damphir

29-10-2006, 07:09 AM

Overall I am happy with myself. I have voluntarily put myself in this new state of transormation, and remain steadfast and unwavering. Believing in my convictions feels better with practice, but I also need to temper that with a better awareness of the feelings of people around me. My husband could really use some TLC, I just seem to be so much more direct with him than I ever remember being before. He's a bit puzzled by it also. It just feels like I am finished doing what everyone else is doing or what others think I should be doing with my life. Standing up for myself while trying not to stand on anyones' fingers by mistake.
Quite a dilema.:fight:

anthony

29-10-2006, 06:58 PM

Boo, I would say your seeing the main issue in regard to PTSD that is often the most significant hurdle to get over, self confidence and self esteem. When an individual can improve those to an assertive level, tackling PTSD becomes so much easier. The problem as I see it though, is that when most arrive here, their personal self esteem and confidence is shot to shit, hence because it takes so long to build by itself, with all the other issues surrounding healing, it draws the process out further. If a person has PTSD, though their self esteem and confidence hasn't suffered too much, then to become assertive once again is much simplier, hence tackling PTSD is also.

Whilst the ongoing management curve takes years to learn, and I would go as far to say we will continually learn how to improve our entire lifetime, then the majority of issues in one's PTSD can be addressed very quickly opposed to another who's self esteem and confidence is battered to pieces.

To manage PTSD effectively, you nearly have to become arrogant about your own abilities to achieve it, though coming back a notch to assertive is the best area IMHO, as dealing with society is then more relaxed and forth coming back at you. As we know, when arrogance is prevalent, sometimes others may get intimidated by that, so coming back that notch and aiming at assertive, win win as I see it.

Boo-Damphir

03-11-2006, 07:10 AM

I just finished reading a study of people with Borderline Personality Disorder. There were several long-term studies done with results that I think may apply to PTSD as well. [Paris, Brown & Nowlis, 1987; Stone 1990]

While there are many theories of why as borderlines get older their symptoms seem to become more stable, the data clearly points to the great reduction of patients in their forties and fifties who are no longer seeking psychiatric services.

Between the ages of 20 and 30 the final myelination of the frontal and temporal lobe neurons of the central nervous system occurs. Before this occurs, while the person is still in their teens and twenties, the behaviors that most often cause morbidity are at their peak (suicide, antisocial behavior, obsessiveness, quick and extreme mood swings, etc.)

Psychotherapy has applied the theory "Help the borderline stay alive to age 30 or 35" to PTSD patients as well as other diagnoses. Although the research was quick to caution avoiding a blanket statement (all patients will improve with the maturation process) it was really comforting for me to read about the final myelination process. I'm in my mid-40's and have often looked back guiltily at actions I did in my teens/20's and those in my 30's when I thought I was supposed to "know better."

The research went a long way in helping me understand the biophysical me and its ability to cope the best way it can with adversities depending on my chronological age.

I'm by no means "over" PTSD, but I do feel much safer and in better control now than I did 10-12 years ago. Perhaps this information can give those in other stages of neurlogical development a window of hope as well.

anthony

05-11-2006, 11:29 AM

I have read similar information actually Boo, and whilst I also agree with it in part, I certainly don't agree with it totality. It is scientifically proven that as we age we simply cannot hold-on to all the past memories as such, because our brain functions are decreasing into older age. This stems into our brain cells constantly dieing from the moment we are born. How we live our lives often depends on what age we are going to lose our cracker as such. PTSD though.... well, I know far too many people in their 50's, 60's and some 70+ that are still fighting with themselves daily, even though they should have technically (scientifically) gotten over it by that age. This is what shoots their scientific studies in the foot, because even here upon this forum, there are people over 50 years of age that are still battling suicidal ideation and majority of symptoms with PTSD. Their brain is not letting go at all, as per science says it should when compared to other disorders.

Now I actually think it has more to do with the memories side of PTSD opposed to other disorders that do not function upon trauma or memories, but are more physiological changes that occur to create the disorder, opposed to PTSD have severe traumatic memories to create the disorder. I believe the memories are what is holding those with PTSD back at age 50+, because until those are dealt with sufficiently for the mind, the memory is not going to allow the body any peace. I have seen Vietnam vets who have healed their trauma as such, and function now to a degree where they are just getting too old to any longer worry about it all, but the difference is, is they have healed their trauma itself, they just never learnt how to manage PTSD, but with age, the management side seemed to have not been an issue because they merely grew out of it as such and just carry on in life now without concern, opposed to those who have still not come to terms with the trauma itself. I see WWII vets still struggling daily with anxiety, depression and suicide at 80+ years of age because they have not dealt with either as yet, and the memories are still controlling the PTSD, thus PTSD still controlling them.

Anyway, I agree with you that I think it has scope, but with PTSD itself, IMHO I believe the overall factor is whether a person has dealt with their trauma or not by reaching 40 - 50+ years of age, to whether they are going to just naturally move past it or not.

Boo-Damphir

12-11-2006, 06:15 AM

Struggling lately with the PTSD Workbook section "Am I a Healthy Person?" The questions asked such as "I feel in control of:", "My basic values are:" seem to be impossible to answer. I've tried over the last few days and get stuck, frustrated, or my mind wanders in avoidance. I really feel that I need to be able to answer these questions about my core self before going any further in the workbook. Even if my answers change over time, I'm concerned that for now I am seeing this as such a large obstacle. What will it uncover? At this point I'm not afraid of anything, so what is the problem?

I know I tend to be more rigid & controlling than flexible; more gentle than harsh but I don't always feel good about it. I see the gentleness as docile or subservient. I am of course critical of myself and accepting of others in the extreme of both ends. I feel that most times my mood/reactions are more inappropriate than appropriate.

I may be feeling a little more depressed than usual. My anxiety is higher and it's been hard the last 2 weeks for me to get motivated to leave the house even to walk the dogs. But when I try to probe myself for an answer "why" I just get frustrated and shut down. What the hell is going on? I guess I'll just keep hacking away at it until my outer shell cracks enough to give me a glimpse. :dont-know

YoungAndAngry

12-11-2006, 08:03 AM

Boo, I have the similar struggles with that workbook.
At first I got frusterated and I couldn't answer barely anything in that section, but after taking an 8 month break from the workbook, I've noticed my responses have changed and I am begining to look at things differently.

I'm starting to think that this is the point of the workbook.
In the healthy person section, a "healthy" person may just fly through those questions, no problems at all... but then you get someone who is battling inner demons (PTSD) that will get overwhelmed just thinking of the questions.

anthony

12-11-2006, 01:16 PM

What page boo?

Boo-Damphir

14-11-2006, 02:24 AM

Good point YA! That may very well BE the intent of this chapter... it's not necessarily the answers but the struggle to find the answers!
Anthony, it's page 16 in the 2002 edition "Who Am I?" (Am I a Healthy Person?)
It's about 19 degrees F today, grey and gloomy but I'm finally feeling the push to get outside. I'm going to bundle myself up and take Raven for a stroll around the neighborhood. Hopefully I'm starting to come up out of this recent depressed rut and can take another jab at the workbook. I'll be successful if I can even attempt to answer one question without the words looking like "blah-blah-blah" and no brain input LOL!
Fingers crossed...

anthony

15-11-2006, 01:01 PM

Ok, now whilst answering the questions yourself is exceptional, it still serves little purpose if your not covering all aspects. As the book outlines "Who Am I" it also states before answering these questions; "if you find the questions in this exercise difficult or impossible to answer, it may be that much of your self knowledge is missing, and you may need to look to others to help you." I say, well done Boo for bringing this up, because this is a significant issue. You are better of to bounce ideas back and forth, than to wait 8 months to answer them yourself. Answering now, gives you a basis to process, analyse and reason with. You can always add more as your progress improves.

"The following exercise is designed to help you look at what you know about your own core self, your basic identity, and whether that self is healthy, partially healthy, or unhealthy."

Q. What about me gives me a positive sense of who I am?

These are your core beliefs. What makes up you?

Example answer: I am a capable father to my children. I respect them and love them with all my heart. Even though I have not always been honest, I now see honesty as a strong point within my life, as it improves my self worth, regardless what others believe. I am confident in all my own abilities, otherwise I will be honest and listen, learn and understand so that I can be confident about an ability. I am an assertive person, when spoken too I listen, when I speak I expect to be listened too. I expect others to treat me as I treat them, no exceptions. etc etc etc....

I could write a short story on that one I think. That is my perception on the first question. I don't see it being about physical health, but mental and core health. Self esteem, how one perceives themself within the world and within a peer group, friends, family and life.