RED ALERT - Hitting Crisis! The Family is Ruining Everything!

[Bella78]

OK I am in semi-panic mode and need advice, please.

As many of you will know my husband has PTSD from an accident 7 months ago. He has had no real healing treament and has moved out of our home. He has been in major avoidance mode, working 18 hours a day.

I gave him plenty of space for the majority of the 3 and a bit weeks he has now been gone. Definitely the past 2 weeks I have really let him be and then for the past 5 days have gently made very brief contact a few times and made a few gentle gestures to show I care. I have also let him know I am learning about PTSD and now understand a lot better where he is coming from and how he may feel. He has seemed to respond to this.

Just when I thought I was making almost noticable progress yesterday things went backwards quite badly. He had something he had to go do that would have been a big stress for him. And it is something I would normally go do with him, but since he has shut me out, he went alone. I gently offered to go with him but he refused and I left it at that.

He has been ill vomiting for about 2 weeks and as Velied has explained, this is almost certainly a PTSD symptom. Before she enlightneed me I called our GP as I was concerned. Now it seems the GP has called him in and given him a lecture. Hubby described it as he made him "feel like a piece of shit". Then he added that I should "leave him alone and stop causing him shit" and to "f**k off" because I "make his life hell". I just told him i was very sorry to hear he was so sad and i never meant to cause problems for him. Now have not had contact at all for 24 hours and was going to leave him alone completely for 3-4 days. I figure he needs to cool down.

But I have just had an email from a family member that has really scared me and made me angry. She has told me that the business (hubby runs his own) is suffering as much as him and she has told him he needs to pull up his socks (BAD!!!). He reacted by lashing out at her and she told him off for that too (WORSE!!). So then to "reprimand him" she went to see him with her husband who (in her words) "blasted him" (OMG!!!!!).

She says that his reaction to this was that he was very humble afterwards and apologised saying he was having a bad day. Yeh, a really bad day. How my heart breaks to try to imagine.

Hubby's Mum lives hours away and will be here in 4 days for Christmas. She has said for weeks she wants to shake up the business and get it running properly, as it is a bit of a mess, understandably. I am terrfied of how she is going to conduct herself.

In the same email, the relative has said this of hubby's Mum; "I'm sure she'll go in yelling and screaming and hopefully sort him out". (GOD HELP ME!!!!!!)

I replied to this relative saying that the way they are all carying on may seem like the right thing to do but i have now learnt it just isn't. Sure, he needs to get his head out of the ass but I am guessing he can't do that until he pull himself out of his pit first?? And the only way to get help him to that is to be gently supportive and make him feel safe.

I feel I need to go to him, to let him know I have an idea of how bad yesterday was and I want him to know I understand even if everyone else doesn't. I am so worried where his head might be at after all that. Plus I miss him like crazy.

I also plan on quick smart finishing my summary info page on PTSD that ALL of the family and close friends are going to have shoved down their throats before this can happen again and especially before Christmas.

But i really need to get an idea of what may be the best thing for me to do for him right now. Does he need to feel understood or will he still be too unapproachable? :dontknow:If I do go to him, how should i do it and what should i say? Sorry to be so specific. I just feel a bit desperate and so scared of messing up right now.

[batgirl]

I'm not even supposed to be up but I am not sleeping so I will just say, that is SO AWFUL what his family has done. I sooo could not handle that. I feel really bad for your husband. :(

I don't really know what to advise but could you maybe just email to say sorry about what happened with his family? That's a really non-intrusive form of contact which I personally don't mind much. I can choose to answer when and if I want. Who knows, he might feel bad about going off on you earlier (I do when I've done it to my family). Sorry that's all I have to say really. Just I feel for him, I can't stand being yelled at nor pressured into acting a certain way. Good luck.

[Nicolette]

I don't know what to say Bella but I hope things get better :Hug_emoticon:

[Bella78]

Thanks Nicollete and Evie, I hope you are feeling a bit better. Be sure to rest plenty for the trip though.. :wink:

Yep, it sure is pretty bad. I imagine he may be feeling very damaged. All I want to do is go see him and give him a cuddle. I want to say "Lets just take off for Christmas break to a nice little cottage in the country - to hell with everyone else! And work!" A tiny bit of me thinks he could go for that, but I am not sure it's worth the risk of him going "Don't be stupid woman, do you realise how much work I have to get done here!?"

It would be great to get him to relax for a few days and there is no way he will do that as long as he is close to work. Then if he were relaxed and feeling a bit better I may be able to talk to him about all this info I now have on PTSD. Set up a plan so to speak. really easy brief version that is... I dunno.
It all sounds good, but there is one minor detail, he wants nothing to do with me right now...

Thanks girls. Evie, he isn't regularly on email, but I can send him a text message on his mobile (cell) phone. I might do that. he will probably call me a hypocrite if i say sorry for what they did. Cos as far as he can see, I did it too by calling the Dr. Maybe worth a shot though.

[Bella78]

Oh Geez, i just spoke to his GP to try to get a feel for what he said to him that flipped him out, of course he couldn't tell me much, but I confirmed my original suspicions - he knows next to nothing about PTSD!!!! So furious!!

He didn't like it when I suggested he didn't know much either. He thinks cos he knows general stuff about mental illness he gets it. I realy thought a practitioner would be more aware of the potential diversity in these things.
:wall::wall::wall:

[Bella78]

Well, I did it, I messaged him to tell him I was very sorry for all the stress he had to contend with yesterdat and I hope he is feeling better. I went on to reassure him that I see that the way everyone told him off was not OK and I get that. I told him I am trying to get everyone to understand. I finished by saying that if there is anything I can do fot him I would be happy to and offered to bring him something good to eat. Then I finished by saying it was all up ti him and to never remember I care.

No reply, he is probably busy. If nothing else I hope it cheers his heart up just a little and maybe he will have a bit more faith that he can turn to me if he wants to....
I hope.

[Bella78]

Thankfully I have a positve step to report!!:smile:

After I had sent the message, and had no reply, although I said it was up to him and then therefore if I got no answer, in my calm state of mind I told myself to leave it at that, I needed to know he got my message. Maybe a bit of desperation. It hit me pretty hard to hear what a shocking day he had yesterday. So I called his phone. No answer, then I panicked. I think I have done a bit of that today. I realised nobody that I know of had even seen him today. I realised how doen he must be and that he is all alone. I don't have to say what I feared, I'm sure you all get what I mean.

So I decided to take Veiled's advice and take him a care pack, for his vomiting. I packed up dry crackers, electrolyte drinks. Sustagen (powdered energy shake), powdered Gatorade and some multi-vitamins. The I added a clean towel, some clean undies and clean socks. And off I went.

As I pulled up he was out the front with a couple of his "mates". Thank goodness he was OK (physically, anyway). He looked like "oh what is she doing here?" But as I pulled up he came to my door. He said "Just leave me alone" and I said, "I'm sorry, I will. I just thought some of this stuff may come in handy. But if you don't want to take it that is OK" He asked what it was. I showed him starting to cry a little. Then he said, "Thank you". I then said I would go as I don't want to push him. But he said, "Well, I can't send you away after you brought me that, can I?" :thumbs-up

But I said, "You don't have to, I will go." He went on to say he needs his space etc and I told him he didn't have to explain, I am beginning to really understand. I said I was so sorry for everyone upsetting him so much, but they just don't get it. When I said that the GP just doesn;t get it, he told me he left there is tears. Poor darling.

I managed to waffle out a few lines about how I am doing so much reading and I am sorry how I used to tell hiom off and tell him what to do and how to do things (even though I thoiught I was helping, to get things done). I made it clear that I understand this PTSD beast a lot better now.

He told me he wished I got it before.

I told him how furious I was that the Psychiatrist didn't make sure we were properly informed.

He thanked me again for the care pack and then he added a few caring lines about looking after myself. He then also said he has been trying to get home but he is just so busy and needs a bit more space.:thumbs-up

That is a posotve sign if you ask me. A bit more space sounds like maybe he is starting to come arpound.

I have hope of having him by my side for Christmas.

But I am still pertrified of what his mother is going to do. I have got to get my info sheet done TONIGHT so she has 2 days to read it and let it sink in before she flies into town. I hope she listens.

[Kathy]

I haven't much time to comment properly Bella, as things are down to the wire as far as leaving for our trip. However well done for all your efforts. I do hope his mother and other family come round. If they don't, at least he may count upon you. Take good care and all the best for your holidays.

[Bella78]

Please don't apologise Kathy. Ypou have something very busy and exciting going on. Plus, above all, your own family must come first.

I am filled with hope. My own mother is really beginning to understand also and she has given me even more encouragment. Recounting what happened with her, she also agrees it is a step in the right direction.

It's a big long road ahaead but I hope we hit the road soon.

[Tammy]

Hi Bella,
I don't mean this to 'dampen your spirits' at all, and I do not know if the same wil happen for you or not but I will tell you my story...
Alex found out he had PTSD just before we got together and we did the ptsd course together... during that time I tried to tell all of our family and friends what was going on and how certain things can affect him and so on... basically they thought I was just making excuses for him and that he had told me all of this to make me feel sorry for him... Even today certain members of his family don't want to hear anything about the ptsd and what it creates...
I do hope your info sheet does better for you than my 'lectures' did for me though...
Good luck with everything; I hope you will have him beside you for Christmas and that his mother takes our advice...
Tammy

[Bella78]

Hey Tammy, no don't worry, you have not dampened my spirits. I am a realist and I am prepared for the worst. I am guessing that it will take quite a bit to get everyone to see it from my point of view.

I had a session with my Psychologist tonight and she is very proud of me. She is a trauma specialist and says that I seem to have a good handle on how to care for someone with PTSD effectively. She said that 9 out of 10 carers get it all wrong and never really get it to "click" That shocked me. So few people...

She jokingly suggested I "kidnap him" and take him away for Christmas to eliminate the risk of any negative interactions. But then she seriously added that if I feel him out about how he feels about Christmas and he indicates that he would rather not do the family thing, I should try my best to do whatever it takes to keep them away from him. I need to protect him because he is in no state to protect himself. He will only get overwhelmed and damage his realtionships more. They will realise eventualy and hopefully one day understand, and if not, too bad.

I have distributed the summary (got it down to 3 pages!) to all of our family, both his and mine. My family are tops, the all understand and are behind me all the way. Have not had a chance to suss his family out yet. But they haven't all contacted me of their own accord to say thanks for the info and that they will do their best. Many in my family have done, so I think they are wonderful :clap:.

Now all I have to do is find a nice little place not too far from here that allows a dog that isn't booked at Christmas, just in case he wants to go for it (and I have a feeling he just might) - yep, wish me luck finding something at such late notice!

Anybody got a house at Capel, Moore River, anything quite close like that, anyone?....:rofl:

I am glad to be smiling today, I hope he is too.

[Kathy]

Anybody got a house at Capel, Moore River, anything quite close like that, anyone?....:rofl:


Well Bella you could certainly housesit for us, we will be gone 2 weeks. We have a lovely view by the sea, though it is not very warm in Newfoundland this time of year. And of course there is the small matter of us living literally on the other side of the world! :wink:

Very well done on the summary Bella. Whether or not his family accepts it, you have done your part and I must congratulate you on being so proactive. Would you be willing to share the summary with me? I am always looking for new articles for the carers information section. Unfortunately there will always be some family members who do not understand; we have them in our family as well. We cannot always protect Evie from them, however we are there for her and hope that counterbalances matters. We certainly do limit contact with the more "toxic" members of the family as much as possible.

She is a trauma specialist and says that I seem to have a good handle on how to care for someone with PTSD effectively. She said that 9 out of 10 carers get it all wrong and never really get it to "click" That shocked me. So few people...

Unfortunately Bella that does not shock me in the slightest. Your therapist is quite right. What she says is true across the board, regardless of the illness involved - schizophrenia, depression or what have you. When I was still a practicing therapist, it was most uncommon to have understanding and supportive family members. The 9 out of 10 figure sounds about accurate. Many family are ungenerous, fear change of any kind, and/or are unwilling to make the necessary efforts and allowances. Now you comprehend Bella why I am so impressed with you. It is frustrating dealing with many carers and you are a nice breath of fresh air.

If you are able to go away and he agrees, that would be marvelous Bella. If that unluckily falls through though, and you must see them, perhaps only see the family on one day during the holiday, and perhaps only for a couple of hours at the most. I am uncertain the traditions in Australia, however in Newfoundland we still celebrate the old-fashioned 12 days of Christmas, and often see family on every single day. There is an attitude that family must be together on Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years and so on, even if one does not get along. However as I'm certain you are aware, it is absolutely not necessary. It can be quite overwhelming if certain members of the family are less than kind.

Fingers crossed you find a place to stay Bella, and have a wonderful holiday regardless, you both deserve it!

[Bella78]

First of all, I would LOVE to house-sit in Newfoundland. Especialy since now I even know how to pronnounce it, thanks to Evie! :rofl: But yes, I suspect the whole "other side of the world" thing may be a bit of a problem. Hope the packing is all going well by the way! Must be a real err of excitement in your house. Safe trip.

And thanks. I sort of do comprehend that you are impressed with me. But at the same time I still can;t get over how few carers take it on. It really isn't so hard to just listen get it and set your mind to do it, and just do it! Geez. Thant angers me that most don't. Do they really love these people?

Anyway, enough of that.

I sure do hope he finds his trust for me at least enough that he will let me help him make Christmas whatever he is comfortable with. In the state he is in, that is the least I can do. I sure hope we can get away for a few days. orking 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8 months, he sure needs a break. Geez I could do with a cuddle from him now. Maybe soon enough...

OH! BTW, you will have probably read my PM by now, I have asked if you would read my summary anyway, to check I haven't got anything wrong... thanks. I will get it to you. But if you are too busy, please leave it for now. Holidays, exciting, yay!

:smile:

[Damiea]

I think its hard on carrers when something like PTSD happens after years into the relationship... or at least when it really showes up anyway. Then they have the memories of the person they loved before.. and sometimes I think its hard to almost sort of give up that person as lost.. and then keep on loving this new person. Carers don't stop loving the sufferer but for some the loss of the old person can be to much.
Just a different perspective for you! Hope the hollidays go well for you all!!!

[Bella78]

Thanks for that perspective Damiea. It is hard considering we have now been together 9 years, even though only married for 1. A lot of people thought a lot of the trouble was that we got married. Hubby has even said to me, "It's all your fault, you're the one who wanted to get married." That really hurt.

I do see what you mean when you say that for some the loss of the old person can be too much. And I even remember saying (when I thought PTSD would one day be gone from him), "I don't love this person he is now, but I know he is in there somewhere."

But now i know he will never be that same person again. But i like to think of it in a way that I read on this forum somewhere, I think it was Anthony that said, (paraphrasing) "That person will never be the same, they will be a new and hopefully improved model, although they will be weaker in some areas but hopefully stronger in some too."

I think the carers just need to try really hard to see the potential for the new improved model to come out.

And really, how many people don't change in the space of a few years anyway. How many of us can say we are the same person we were 10 or even 5 years ago? PTSD or not.

[Harry]

I can so much identify with this. Our relationship really changed since the trauma. Sure, people change over a life time, but I guess PTSD takes another form of adjustment. I'm in the same boat, and can simply emphasize but have not too many suggestions. Hang in there!

[Harry]

Hubby has even said to me, "It's all your fault, you're the one who wanted to get married." That really hurt..

That has been the story of my life since PTSD. It's either directly or indirectly my fault that she has ptsd. She expresses her love on one side, and 'it's somehow your fault' on the other side. Again, I can so much emphasize with you, specially with the grief and hurt you are feeling. :wall:

[Bella78]

Hey Harry, thanks. I am sorry that you are/have gone thru this too. I would not wish it on anyone at all. I hope things are better with you now.

I saw hubby last night. It was a rather emotion charged meeting. I tried to keep it all simple. But really just wanted to show him i am still here, that I care and that I am beginning to really understand. I also made it clear how sorry i am for pushing him so hard and that I am furious at all the medical practioners whose doors we moved in and out of who did not feel the need to say 3 simple words, "do some research". Nobody told me I was treating him the wrong way. God help us!

But unfortunatley for now it seems the harsh memory of me pushing and pushing (but only trying to help and get things on track) is burnt into his brain so well that that's all he remembers and all he thinks of me.

It's hard to say I am so sorry and now I understand and want to be there for you, only to have him say back that I should have learnt sooner and should have listened to stop pushing. But God how right he is. I am guessing i just have to continue to give him space, make brief gently supportive contact and hope that it begins to fade those very hurt memories he has enough to try trusting me again.

I don't even think he will be home for Christmas or want to see me. He said he has too much work to do.... oh how he needs a rest. But I will not tell him what to do. I don't even know what to do.

The family are still making me very nervous. They are not showing signs of understanding and putting him first. He will not be seeing them for Christmas. He made that descision himself and I told him it was completely fine. I bet he was not expecting that.

[veiled]

Bella, sounds like it is really going well for you. Just don't hold out too much for Christmas. Actually look into any improvement after the new year. The pressure of having to be around people because it is a certain day and is expected is more than enough for someone who is not far in therapy to "shut down".

While this may be a joyous day for many for many it isn't. And more often than not it is not a wonderful time to try to get thoughts straight for those suffering PTSD. From my experience holidays are best spent in hiding for me and I was in therapy for a long time.

Also, I wanted to toss this out because I think it has been a while since it was mentioned. Good stress. It can effect us as profoundly as bad. So at times things happen he should be happy about he may not seem that way because or bodies and minds just react to all stress a certain way. The PTSD cup explanation does well explaining this. So when you start to reconcile make sure you give plenty of "down time" for him to recoup. While this is a good stress it is one nonetheless. Him seeing you with the package was great, but it is a form of stress. Just go very gradual with those things so he is being "exposed" more often and not having to hard a crash later. You seem to do well gaging him so I think you will do this fine. Just thought I would toss that in. Have a Merry Christmas and hope the new year is better for you both.

[Bella78]

Thanks Veiled. I must say I am very pleased to get your perpective on this. And it gives me a lot of encouragment to hear that you think I am doing OK. :smile:

Thanks for the reminder about good stress. I will keep all info going to him at an absolute minimum. Very difficult when i have so much I want to tell him and ask him, but I know how bad that is, so I am trying to keep sentences short, no reambling, lots of silence, making sure he has an opportunity to speak if he wants to, and only ever planning 2 or so topics to discuss at a time. For example yesterday I gave hime some more stationery for the offce and asked him how he felt about seeing his family for Christams. Other topice were brought up by hum. Except when I offered to come clean, but I figures a little thing like that would be OK. He refuced, I left it at that (GOD!! That place sure needs a clean but!!!)

I am definitely not holding out for Christmas. I can see how it will be a pressure for him he'd rather not face. And I told him he shouldn't worry at all about it and do whatever he feels comfortable doing and that nobody will mind either way. He confirmed with me that he does not want to see his own family. I told him that would be fine (too bad if it isn't). I told his Mum it is very likely he won't be there. She said that was OK too. But unfortunaltely for the wrong reason. Lunch is being held at the relatives' who he had an argument with earlier in the week. I got the impression they are suggesting he is not welcome. I just have to make sure he does not find out that is the attitude. Screw them anyway. For now. They may come to understand in time. I am not going to waste any more energy trying to show them all how to see it. As long as they leave him alone, they can think what they like.

He suggested he may just work thru Christmas and he may just spend it alone. But he did not say he will work and be alone. And I must admit that I got a slight hint of game playinhg from him when he said that.ike he was testing me and wanted me to nurst out saying "Oh, no! Please come home for Christmas.!" I did not. I just said, "Whatever you want to do is fine. I know it is probably tough for you. Really, it's OK." Then he upped the ante by saying he has sooo much work to do anyway. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I gently pass on the message from my Grandmother that she would love to see him if he feels up to it, he may just come. Escpecilly since my sister's partner who had a bit of a falling out with some of our family is even swallowing his pride and possibly coming. If he ehars that, he may feel compelled to come to. He will have an "ally" then.

But I will leave it until tomorrow to ask him. I am taking him another little care pack, some face wash and his favourite cookies and some mail. I had my hari done today (FINALLY!!!) so he may even notice and think I look nice...

Just hope he isn't too sad today

[jods]

Sorry I haven't been on much this week but tis the season to be running around doing stuff.

Good on you for trying to inform you family, it's not always an easy thing to do.

I'm glad to hear you have treated yourself to a hairdo, bet you look great! Don't forget men don't tend to notice when we do that (even without the ptsd ) so don't be to disappointed if he doesn't notice.

I know it's easy to say but try to enjoy your time with your family for Christmas & don't feel guilty if hubby isn't there to share it with you. It's ok to enjoy things so try to enjoy the day.

:Hug_emoticon:

[Bella78]

I'm glad to hear you have treated yourself to a hairdo, bet you look great! Don't forget men don't tend to notice when we do that (even without the ptsd ) so don't be to disappointed if he doesn't notice.

:Hug_emoticon:

Hey Jodee, don't apologise!! I am sure you have been getting on wioth things, working, getting geared up for Cgrissy, getting realoy for family comeing Monday night!! And that's all great! Don't forget that!:Hug_emoticon:

Yeh the harido does kinda look pretty hot. My sister couldn;t believe it.. she goes, "oh, you look so pretty" That was nice to hear. :smile:

Hubbt actually came home this arvo to grab a few thingsand if he noticed he didn't say anything.... I didn't even think of it until a while after he left.

It was not such a bad interaction. I kept and talking to an ansolute minimum. Made him a drink but din not give it to him. When he came in (from out in the shed) I just told him it was there. No pushing. And didn't go out to him on the shed. Offered to serve him up some dinner which was just ready as he arrived, he said no time. Left it at that.:occasion:
Proud of me!!

Then as he was rushing off, I quickly passed on a message from my Grandmother (who he LOVES!) that she said she hopes he is feeling OK and hopes to see him for Christmas, if he is up to it, but if he isn;t that's OK too.. Instead of yelling, "I will be too busy!" or "I am not going to come to your family Xmas!" He just said "Yeh, OK, gotta go"... so I think that may be a sort of positive sign. :dontknow:But I am not getting my hopes up....

This is a damn slow process, but I still think it is all moving in the right direction...

Merry Christmas to you and the family if we don't chat before Jods!! I hope you have a peaceful relaxing time and the kids are good!

[Bella78]

Far out, sorry about all the typos - I am the WORST!:rofl:

[Bella78]

Update on how the family are all doing coming to terms with hubby's PTSD -
Tonight I had dinner with his Mum and her parents. Since I have told them they will not be seeing hubby opr I for Christmas. I don't even want to see some of tha family right now, too angry, but definitely wanted to see (and cuddle) his mum and grandparents.

It was really really nice. I thought I would not even want to talk about hubby, but that;'s only cos I expected it to be a negative and naggy and I already decided if that started I was going to calmy say, "If we aren't going to discuss positive aspects of this, I would rather not discuss it" But I didn't need to. The fairly anxious state I got into for the hour or so before I got there was totally unnecessary. The conversation was really quite good. No negative stuff at all.

There was a fair bit of analysing and then me trying to explain why he is acting the way he is and how he is feeling that makes him do that, how is so stressed about a couple things there is no room for anything else and that anything else that gets thrown in is like torture for him etc.

All in all his grandparents (especially his grandfather, who doesn't normally say too much when the topic is matter of the heart, so to speak) seem to really get it. I hadn't really expected that. But geez, what a relief. Not that I ever worried about them doing anything to overwhelm him, as I know they would not bacause they are very passive charaters, but the way I see it is that they are the matriarch and patriarch of the family and they will lead the way in many ways for everyone else. I was also a bit worried about getting an elderly couple to see things from a fairly "modern" point of view. But all seems good.

Also seems as thought the couple who had the disagreement with hubby and "blasted him" and have been very hurt by him are possibly also starting to come round. Mother in law told me they read the material I sent. She did not say they understand it or agree or anything though. But mother in law and the wife of the couple have agreed to go together to see hubby on Friday to help with some bookwork.

OK, this bookwork visit worries me. For a start, I am not at all confident that they will be able to go in there and act/talk etc in a gently supportive manner without stressing him out, especially given that they plan on "interfering" (as he will see it) in something that is his and he thinks he is managing just fine at (he most certailnly is NOT).

I said I would mention it to him within the next couple of days to "plant a seed". Decided if I get a tense reaction from him I will suggest (or more likely insist) they give it a miss. Not willing to chance this slowly but surely miniscule progress we have made the past 2-3 weeks. No matter how badly the bookwork need updating. Only problem is, there are tax matters that need to be dealt with, or there could be trouble, so unfortunately we may have no choice. I thinkI just have to passively play a role in ensuring this is done in the best way possible... it is still 5 days before when they plan to go. Hopefully he will be a bit better by then. By this time it will be 5 weeks since he moved out of our home.