Another New One... Should I Restart Therapy?

[salome05]

hello,

i dont know how to start... my native language is not english, so i am sorry for spelling misstakes...

i got my ptsd-diagnosis in 2005.
i had cognitive behavior therapy and emdr-therapy (which unfortunately did not work properly, because my reactions were so intense - my therapist did not dare to use it again) for about 1.5 years. now i've had a break for about a year... i am thinking of continuing therapy now... maybe with another therapist? don't know... i also had medication, an antidepressivum called tresleen (sertralin) for about a year. i still have alprazolam for emergency cases - i only take about 6 pills a year...

i am happly married - my husband is just like an angel in these difficult days... i have an almost 3 year old daughter, a really cute girl... and a dog.

okay. that's me. :)

salome

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum! Don't worry about your English, PTSD has a universal language! ;)

bec

[just tina]

It's a struggle to decide, isn't it? And a chore to find a therapist. Good luck with your decision.

I like your accent;).

[She Cat]

Welcome to the forum.

[salome05]

hi,

hm... my last therapist was really good - it is no exaggeration if i say that she saved my life... during several months i needed to devide my day in 10-minute-parts and almost "celebrate" every 10-minute-part i survived (without committing suicide) - wow, i still start shaking when i even think of that time... horrible... she brought me back to an almost normal life... i surely have ups and downs - but when i have a good time can enjoy life again... i did not think that this would be possible... anyway - i cannot tell a reason why not continuing therapy with her... i somehow have the feeling that she told me anything she knows... and i have the feeling that she is a bit "overstrained" with my case... i don't know...

nevertheless there is still one part of my life that got completely destroyed by my trauma. i think that it would be better to speak to a professional about it - better on the long run...

i looked up another therapist, a councellor for the UNICEF on human rights, specialist for torture victims. so i hope i will not overstrain the next therapist. ;) i had to wait for an appointment for 2 months. today she cancelled it (she is ill), and gave me another date in about A MONTH. i am not sure if i want to wait such a long time... hm... i mean: all my family is living in a kind of "state of emergency" since i started thinking of taking on the therapy... i feel much worse just because i am WONDERING whether or not to continue... i'd need a professional's opinion about the whole case... but i need it now, not with a delay of quarter of a year...

i lack patience.

i know.

I like your accent;).

you make me smile. :-) what accent do i have???

thanx for listening,
s.

[becvan]

i somehow have the feeling that she told me anything she knows... and i have the feeling that she is a bit "overstrained" with my case... i don't know...



We all run into this. Unless we have a specially trained therapist in PTSD and trauma, forget it. They run out of what to do, how to help, and quickly burn out trying to help us. They tend not to know what to do most of the time! ;)

Even the ones with specialized training can burn out. They can develop secondary trauma too. It's a risk they run when working with hardcore cases like ours. Your definitely not alone with that.

bec

[salome05]

hi,

my latest therapist was specialized in trauma. she was the perfectly right person for me at that time! but i think there are always 2 persons involved: patient and therapist... and the therapist gives advice, the patient picks out what is suitable for him... and maybe it is like in sports: you need more than one trainer to pick out all you need...

i don't know...

thank you for listening... :-)

s.

[just tina]

Sounds like you've already made your decision, Salome. It's hard to jump through all the hoops that you need to go through when you need it most, though.

I had a counselor once that started to cry while I was recounting an incident. She stopped the therapy. Her crying was helpful to me, but everyone has their limits and I guess that professional "distance" is required.

I'm sorry for your suffering and cry for you too. I get angry with my culture for being more concerned about their hair than the insanity that is riding rough-shod over so many people.

Your accent is a rhythm I don't how to describe. It's a visual thing. Poetic.

Patience? What is that? It's as elusive to me as peace.

[salome05]

Sounds like you've already made your decision, Salome.

yes... yesterday while writing i made my decision: i will not go on with my therapy unless the new therapist gives me an appointment within the next 2 weeks.
i believe in god... i was waiting for the date yesterday so desperately... and now she is ill... such an answer is an answer, too. maybe it is not the right time to restart... maybe next year... i live quite well with my ptsd now - much better than i ever thought i would!!! it is not too bad... :-)

> I get angry with my culture for being more concerned about their hair than the insanity that is riding rough

:rofl: where are you from??? i do not think that it is the same in my environment... i was really shocked by some stories i read here yesterday... so little empathy, so little understanding from close friends or doctors... i am lucky that i never made such an experience... i always thought MY story is nothing... and the other people told me that it is not! in hospital they told me that most of the people who had the same thing as i kill themselves... i have always been taken seriously...
surely it is true what bec says: therapists with no idea of trauma CANNOT help. this happened to me too, the specialized therapist later said, the other one re-traumatized me...

>Your accent is a rhythm I don't how to describe.

sorry for that. *ashamed*

>Patience? What is that? It's as elusive to me as peace.

i don't know what patience is. but i know what peace is - from the moment i almost died... the happiest, peaceful moment in my life so far.

regards,
s.

[salome05]

the new therapist just gave me a ring: she gave me a date for the 8th of january.

oh my god. my feelings are like a rollercoaster... i just were thinking of NOT taking up therapy again, unless she makes an earlier date...
and now she did and i am not sure if i'm happy or not. :crazy:

:wall:

i am really nervous about that... so carry on with my fear until jan 8th... :dontknow:

s.

[just tina]

Ashamed?! What are you talking about?!

I'm in the U.S. Am now living on a campus with a generation that stuns me with its indifference. This has always been a blame the victim culture. Not everyone is like that, of course, but I think it is a fair portrait of this society as a whole. Also, people are rushed around all the time and work many hours, if not many jobs.

I'm glad you've always been taken seriously. Hope your counselor works out and counseling is not too hard. In my early experiences with counseling, I had the problem that it would open me up and make my cry, but wouldn't tell me how to make it stop so I could function and not make my situation worse by being overwhelmed with emotion and making more problems I couldn't deal with. One counselor taught me a neat trick when I was so sunk into the feelings that I could hardly see straight---spell words backwards until you feel like you are HERE. Colors look brighter again and the senses come back to the present.

Be kind to yourself.

[salome05]

>I'm in the U.S. Am now living on a campus with a generation that stuns me with its indifference. This has always been a blame the victim culture.

victim culture? what do you mean?
i do not perceive my friends / colleagues that superficial... maybe the culture is different in that point - and this could be a reason why we have so little psycholgists here... and why it is so hard to find a good one... while TV "tells" us, that in the us, almost everyone has a psychologist and half the people take medication... :wink:

> Also, people are rushed around all the time and work many hours, if not many jobs.

this is the same here... yesterday i joked with a friend: maybe it would solve most of our problems if they put antidepressiva in our drinking water. :-D

> I had the problem that it would open me up and make my cry, but wouldn't tell me how to make it stop so I could function and not make my situation worse by being overwhelmed with emotion and making more problems I couldn't deal with.

hm... i've never cried in front of a counselor in all my life. my problem is rather that i do not really "identify" with the things that happended to me: i always could tell anyone, i spoke like all the story did not concern me at all, as if i was telling a story i read in a book or something... there are many parts of the story i do not remember at all... and the little pieces i do remember: i do not seem to have any emotional contact to these pieces. you know what i mean more or less?

thanks for the trick! :-) i will try. my trick is to "watch" the flashbacks backwards or in fast-forward-mode, until i feel like i got back control over myself. this flashback-problem was really bad once. now i rather have an anger problem. on sunday i freaked out just because of a movie. i had to leave the room and was like a machine out of order... i guess it is quite hard for my husband... sometimes it only needs little every-day-things that stress me sooo much...

okay - i have to prepare lunch for my daughter... regards from the other side of the world...

s.

[just tina]

I mean the tendency is to blame the victim.

If you don't have a lot of money or good insurance, it's hard to get talk therapy in the U.S. You get twenty minutes and talk medicine.

I did go through a long period like you described until I was about thirty. I had to learn how to cry again. I was so numb that I could bang into a table with my shin, get a big lump and a bruise, and not feel anything. People would ask, "Didn't that hurt?!" And I'd say, "I guess it must have, that's a pretty big lump." Didn't really feel anything from the neck down---not even hunger. Felt the migraines though.

Sometimes I think I want to be numb again, so I can work all the time. But I really don't. Numbness (or not identifying---we may not be talking about the same thing) does, however, protect us sometimes, until we are ready and have a safe place to identify with the pain. I did have feelings during the flashbacks and night terrors for thirteen years, but I'd often shake them off, forget about them, then get a migraine. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because it was classified, and half that time PTSD wasn't a diagnosis yet. I didn't have insurance, either.

Only a movie set off a series of flashbacks for me that lasted from December of 1990, got worse during Gulf War I, and then finally stopped in the winter of 1991. Haven't had any night terrors or flashbacks since then. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll come back. One movie was a last straw that sent me into such a state that I turned myself into a mental ward. Images and themes in movies can be very powerful. Don't think it's silly to be disturbed by them. Some themes should be avoided completely.

The anger problem does seem to go on, and there is plenty in the world to get angry about. But I have mostly felt grief lately, and "being like a machine out of order". The brain does not always work. It's natural to be frustrated with every-day-things when you're being haunted by ghastly images of exceptional things, and you're angry. I get overwhelmed processing the mail. It's frustrating, yes? It feels silly to be fighting with dishes or the laundry, but it does make sense.

If it's hard on your husband, maybe it's because he knows what you've suffered? And he loves you? Did you read the information on PTSD on this website? There is an excellent explanation of why we get stressed so often by little things. I'm having a hard time explaining that to my boyfriend, because I am so distant and withdrawn right now.

Take care.

The world won't stop so we can pull ourselves together. What an obstacle course.

[just tina]

Salome, I have been reading posts saying that it is inappropriate to respond to someone's post with your own stories. So, I am wondering if you feel like I am making your story about me, and not listening to you? I think of it as relating. Maybe I'm wrong. Does what I said make you feel like I am dumping my trauma onto you?

[just tina]

Honesty---even bluntness---won't hurt me, so please feel free to answer directly.

[salome05]

hi tina,

>I have been reading posts saying that it is inappropriate to respond to someone's post with your own stories.

hä? i've never heared such a thing, and i do not feel like this (unless i cannot see ANY connection to my story, but this never happened to me).

>So, I am wondering if you feel like I am making your story about me, and not listening to you?

NOOOO! it makes me a bit less lonely to see that other people have similar problems... :Hug_emoticon:

> Does what I said make you feel like I am dumping my trauma onto you?

NO!

over here it is difficult, too, to get the therapy payed by the insurance. my case was that bad that i did for most of my treatment, because i was classified "highly suicidal" (do you say it like this, i am not familiar with medical expressions in english at all...). i have to pay the therapy on my own if i start again.

what you say about pain was the same with me for a long time: i once put my hand on a toaster on purpose to see if i would feel it and DID NOT FEEL anything! later they explained to me that it was kind of neurotic reaction to my second trauma and that this would take time to normalize. today i would say that it is normal again more or less.

yesterday i was so sad - because i sometimes get angry with my daughter so quickly... i know that i am a really good mother and everything, and i know that kids CAN be annoying... and any other person would get annoyed sometimes without having ptsd (so my husband does ;) )... if she has a bad day - and i have a bad day, this is a very bad combination! luckily it is a very unfrequent combination...
it is not that i cannot control my anger... it's just that i feel so empty in the evening, like i've gone far beyond my limits...
a year ago i did not HAVE this anger - the only anger i had was anger against ME... so i guess my therapist would say that this is a huge progress not to take all on me...

i haven't read ALL the information here on this website, but i guess you mean an article by anthony, the one with the cup? i spoke about this to my husband - it was a good conversation, took us a few hours... he treats me with so much respect... he always tries to understand and help. i am really lucky to have him... :smile:

thank you for listening!!!!!!!!!

salome

[just tina]

Love listening to you, Salome. It's heartening to hear you and your husband had that conversation. That was the article I was thinking about. Now I need to have the same conversation with my boyfriend. I'm not angry, but withdrawn and distant.

Passed the toaster test? OUCH ANYWAY!!! That told you something, for sure.

It's good that you can see that conflict is normal. It's still hard to sort out, but at least we aren't so angry with ourselves---blaming everything on our pain---when other people can be irritating and maddening, too. Kids are resilient---if she knows you are suffering and understands not to take it personally it probably won't hurt her anymore than normal parent/child problems. A little "repair"---pleasant time together---can make it better. I've been a nanny for a couple of disturbed children and chilling out together---singing songs, playing a game, whatever---can do miracles.

The medical terms in English are arguable, and they change all the time. "Highly Suicidal" says it all. I don't know how they classify it here.

So is January 8 too far away now, or too close? Can't stand suspense myself.

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum Salome....

[salome05]

hi tina,

my husband is a miracle to me... i sometimes think that he is more nuts than me as he has not left me in the past 3 years... :wink: he keeps telling me that he still loves me and that to him i do not seem to be a different person than before. to me it seemes like this: the old salome died, the new salome is a person i don't like. it is sometimes very hard to cope with that new person... but i guess all this is getting better: from time to time i do not have this old-and-new-feeling anymore. my husband keeps telling me that i consist of so many things, while to me it sometimes seems as if i only consist of flashbacks, anger, nightmares, insomnia... as if he was living with a person who is overstrained with every-day-things...

i do not think that my husband needs such information about cups and stuff... but i think he enjoys it very much when i tell him that I UNDERSTAND myself (instead of seeing all the anger with myself)... he doesn't seem to need any information - he takes me as i am - and has the ability to accept me as i am AND love me as i am... (even in times when i cannot accept/love me as i am) this is a great gift...

i had times when i could not involve my husband... guess that he perceived me as withdrawn at that time, too. i had nights when his presence was so threatening to me that i had to sleep in the guestroom... hard times...

i think my daughter is a bit "difficult" these days... my husband got very angry with her yesterday evening, too - you tell her thins 5 times and she ignores you... yelling around all day: "wana see my friend lena!" ...
and i was at a friends house, it was helpful to see that other ("normal") people have the same ("normal"? :wink:) problems with their kids and are stessed out with them just like me sometimes...
the good thing is: this is only a phase... and within a week everything will be as harmonious as usual... :Hug_emoticon:

>if she knows you are suffering and understands not to take it personally it probably won't hurt her anymore than normal parent/child problems.

hm... i am not sure if a 3-year-old can take things not personally... don't know...

>A little "repair"---pleasant time together---can make it better.

yes, this is true... we play a lot, paint pictures, go to the zoo about once a week, sing songs (i play the guitar) - we do not have a tv set, so we play a lot, read books, tell stories...

>So is January 8 too far away now, or too close?

i don't know... i guess i am quite busy right now: christmas, seeing relatives (my mum too :wall:), starting my first job since i have ptsd on dec 27th...

thank you for reading...

salome

[just tina]

We're all so much more than we think we are, Salome. I'm glad you have a loving, supportive husband. And a three year old! Of course you're frustrated. That's a three year old's job.

Enjoy the holidays.

[salome05]

:-(

yesterday we went to a traditional little festival to a mountain hut. after the festival in the hut i met a doctor linked to my trauma. i mean he did not do anything!! he is a very nice, sympathetic, reasonable person! his only fault is to chose the "wrong" profession of an gynaecologist or to be in the "wrong" place at that time...

the weird thing is that i passed by him without recognizing him, even though he turned towards me and wanted to speak to me. my husband who saw the szene from a distance, asked me what was wrong with me not to say hallo to him. :wall: --- i don't know how this could happen... i was so sorry, because it must seem like i do not want to speak to him...

so i went back, said hello to him, his wife and his daughter... when he asked: "how are you" i did not know what to say... i don't like having the choice between good manners or lying... i do not know how i managed to talk to him... i hardly could look him into the face... SO IMPOLITE!!!

i honestly believe that he is a good person, i have no idea why meeting him puts me in such a bad humour. :wall:

horrible.

i have so much to do until christmas.

tonight i have to attend a party.

the only thing i want to do is lie down in bed and die... it takes so little to make me want to die... it's a shame...

[just tina]

It's not the little things---it's the big things that don't leave much room for anything else. It's normal for anyone with severe PTSD to have inexplicable episodes like this. It may explain itself in time, but for right now, you feeling better than wanting to die is a lot more important than an awkward social situation, Salome!

You're being too hard on yourself. It IS a shame that things that are mundane, clumsy, and imperfect can put you over the edge---but the SHAME isn't YOU. The shame belongs to someone else, doesn't it? If you can direct your anger at the bad guy---even if that means making a paper image of the bad guy and putting all your anger there---ANYTHING!!!---turn it away from you and people who don't harm others grievously. The anger should be directed at people who hurt you, not at yourself for being hurt.

You're human and humane. You deserve to feel better than this. In time, you will. It may hurt a lot worse before that, but practice putting the anger where it belongs. You've been hurt enough. Don't hurt yourself.

[two_isles]

your story about seeing the professional in a social situation reminded me of me taking my dog for a ride to town.
All afternoon I had been edgy for no reason, and when I returned home, the dog was relentless and excited to get out . I got so impatient I pushed him out the door when we parked.
I realized immediately what I had done and it just brought me to tears. How could I do this? He was not hurt, but it is just so sad to see this take over in an instant.
Thank you for listening...

ps...I vote for the therapy, if you are taking a poll :)

[salome05]

hello again,

@tina: why is it such a good feeling to hurt oneself???

@two_isles: luckily the dog didn't get hurt... :Hug_emoticon: you have got a dog? i've got one, too. what kind of dog is it? (by the way: what does the logo-dog of the forum mean? and the slogan: t-hell with the dog - beware of owner??)

i wish you a wonderful new year... all the best...
salome

[AmazonBelle]

I would be lost without therapy. It also eases the strain on my husband, who gets a break from hearing it when I share things with my therapist

[salome05]

hello,

hm... i had a time, too, when therapy was necessary to disburden my husband... but there was the point, when i felt that i spoke about ALL my problems with my therapist only - i kind of excluded my husband from my life, even from things with no direct connection to my trauma. this was one of the points to take a break from therapy... i wanted to share my life with my husband... i did not want uns to drift apart... it is quite difficult to find the "golden way" between overstraining the partner and excluding him...

i don't know... we have our date in about a week - then we will know how to go on... :-)

happy new year!!!
s.

[salome05]

the new therapist is still ill and cancelled our date again. so i have no more energy to wait. we will care about a new therapy later in my life.

i started my first job since my diagnosis. the first job for about 3 years... i like it. i have a nice boss. :-)

[mightsurvive]

Hi Salome
Nice to meet you. I just thought i would let you know that i really identified with this post and wanted to offer a friendly hand of support to you. I also died during my trauma and somehow made it back. If you ever want to talk about it then u know where to find me. Thinking of you.

[salome05]

Hi,

thank you for your reply. :-) Whenever I think of that (my almost-dying experience) i immediately wish to die. :-( I do not know why I feel like this - my life is really good, I live in a more than good partnership, I have a cute daughter, I started to work again... I feel happy for most of the time - and then I think of this almost-die-moment and I could start crying: "Why wouldn't they let me die..."
Why???

Regards,
S.

[mightsurvive]

hiya salome
Thats how i feel too. Just wish i had gone and not come back. I wont post about this again though because u dont deserve to feel like this. But when you're feeling so badly about it please do contact me and i will be there to support you. @}--'--,----

I am a teacher of Languages by the way - German and Spanish mainly. Your english is outstanding. Must have taken a lot of hard work. :-)

[salome05]

Hello again,

thank you very much for telling me that you feel the same. i cannot explain why, but it really helps me to accept my "illogical" feelings whenever i get to know that i am not the only one in the world...

> But when you're feeling so badly about it please do contact me and i will be there to support you. @}--'--,----

:) thank you...

>I am a teacher of Languages by the way - German and Spanish mainly. Your english is outstanding. Must have taken a lot of hard work. :-)

*schäm* Me estas tomando el pelo? *lach* Sería más fácil escribir en espanol para mi... Cuando leo aquí veo que mi inglés ha empeorado mucho ya que no lo ha usado desde hace anos... No entiendo muchos expresiones norteamericanos... Auf jeden Fall fällt's leichter, in einer Fremdsprache zu schreiben als in der eigenen... me da más distancia a mis problemas...

un abrazo,
s.

[mightsurvive]

jejeje - no estoy bromeando, para mi tambien es mejor escribir en espanol or aleman. Hablo aleman mucho mejor que espanol porque lo aprendo hace casi veinte anos. Aprendi el espanol en espana y por eso no entiendo algunas palabras de america del sur. Manchmal finde ich, dass es einfach nicht das Selbe ist, Fremdsprachen zu benutzen - einfacher zu sagen was ich sagen mochte. Komish oder? Wenn ich Deutsch spreche finde ich, dass die Gefuhle einfacher sind. Gar keine Ahnung warum.

Bis bald
MfG