ShatteredMolly
29-12-2007, 04:58 PM
Hello. I’m 19 and female. I live in the UK.
I wondered if anyone might be able to offer advice. I know this is a long post and thanks to those who’ve given the time to read it. I’ve been bottling it for a long time.
My father was alcoholic, kept disappearing and I used to have to watch him physically abuse my brother. He rarely turned on me, but often threatened it. My mum was bulimic and had violent mood swings. By the age of six, I started having nightmares, disturbed sleep, hallucinations, food phobias and social anxiety. When my grandma died, I was eight, and I became suicidal. I was sent to a therapist. Eventually I learnt to keep my mouth shut and everyone thought I’d ‘recovered’. I stopped going to counselling. I still have the dreams now and sleep is just as problematic.
I stopped all contact with my father when I was eleven and I never saw my brother again (my father forbid it), but I’ve been told my dad carried on beating him and I’ve been told my brother is now in a lot of debt, self harms and he is a cocaine addict. I abandoned my brother and now I can’t even face contacting him.
I started self harming. My eldest brother (I have two brothers) began attempting suicide. I went to high school, but left after a year. My mother became more verbally abusive and hit me as well. I left home a lot. I started drinking and smoking weed.
But, when I was fifteen I was accepted into a school for ‘kids with problems’. I even stopped self harming. I felt I had a chance at getting a job and a life. I thought my problems would disappear.
It was months later when something I heard triggered these memories. More and more memories came back to me. In the earliest memory I was 3. I can’t remember how young I was when the sexual abuse began. I know I don’t remember all of what happened, even now. I also fully acknowledged being raped a year earlier by another man. It was realising this, above everything else, which I’ve tried to escape.
When I realised I’d been sexually abused I started questioning the rest of my childhood. I carried on with my education and because for the first time ever people were proud of me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everything all of a sudden. I became promiscuous and by the time I was sixteen I was using up to 3 grams of amphetamine and drinking daily, but I still managed to finish college. I even got into university and moved away to escape
I was clean, but my sleep pattern didn’t improve and I began to lose control. I would get drunk, smash bottles, get into fights...I tried to run away to France too. Sometimes I was so scared everything I locked myself in my room for days and didn’t even eat or drink. I would just stare at the walls not sleep or move.
I started using heroin. A friend committed suicide (the 7th friend to die in three years). I started smoking crack too and failing university. I wasn’t eating and I was self harming again. I had raging mood swings. I took so much heroin I overdosed numerous times. At first heroin stopped the feelings and memories, but eventually I couldn’t control either.
I have been clean twelve weeks. I went cold turkey on my own. I didn’t speak to anyone and it is since going through withdrawal that things have got worse than they’ve ever been. Experiencing withdrawal and facing everything that has happened and everything I’ve done has been horrifying. I can’t put it in words. I started drinking again instantly and it resulted in physically fighting, criminal damage and promiscuity. I cried for the first time in years that week...and haven’t really stopped since.
I don’t drink or touch drugs now, not because I don’t want them, but because even heroin doesn’t stop the thoughts and memories and everything anymore. I can’t even try and ignore it anymore. I don’t want to fail my degree because I’ll be homeless and really have nothing, but I can’t even function anymore. I don’t speak to people or see friends, or have many left. I can’t bear them, or this or myself anymore. I don’t pay my bills or go food shopping. I haven’t attended university. I find it impossible to even go out now. I’m at rock bottom.
I wondered if anyone here might be able to tell me whether this sounds anything like ptsd? I know talking on the internet isn’t to be taken as diagnoses. I would just be appreciative of any advice. I can’t express the fear I feel. I don’t even say it all to myself until now. I did go to therapy when I was sixteen, but every time she spoke I wanted to scream...or pass out, but instead I just sat there and said things which I weren’t true or changed the subject, then I ignored the appointments until they stopped ringing and decided it was all the therapist’s fault. I don’t know how to speak to a doctor or a counsellor, but I’ve run out of drugs and coping mechanisms. I know I can’t make it go away , but I can’t cope with all this being here.
I wondered if anyone might be able to offer advice. I know this is a long post and thanks to those who’ve given the time to read it. I’ve been bottling it for a long time.
My father was alcoholic, kept disappearing and I used to have to watch him physically abuse my brother. He rarely turned on me, but often threatened it. My mum was bulimic and had violent mood swings. By the age of six, I started having nightmares, disturbed sleep, hallucinations, food phobias and social anxiety. When my grandma died, I was eight, and I became suicidal. I was sent to a therapist. Eventually I learnt to keep my mouth shut and everyone thought I’d ‘recovered’. I stopped going to counselling. I still have the dreams now and sleep is just as problematic.
I stopped all contact with my father when I was eleven and I never saw my brother again (my father forbid it), but I’ve been told my dad carried on beating him and I’ve been told my brother is now in a lot of debt, self harms and he is a cocaine addict. I abandoned my brother and now I can’t even face contacting him.
I started self harming. My eldest brother (I have two brothers) began attempting suicide. I went to high school, but left after a year. My mother became more verbally abusive and hit me as well. I left home a lot. I started drinking and smoking weed.
But, when I was fifteen I was accepted into a school for ‘kids with problems’. I even stopped self harming. I felt I had a chance at getting a job and a life. I thought my problems would disappear.
It was months later when something I heard triggered these memories. More and more memories came back to me. In the earliest memory I was 3. I can’t remember how young I was when the sexual abuse began. I know I don’t remember all of what happened, even now. I also fully acknowledged being raped a year earlier by another man. It was realising this, above everything else, which I’ve tried to escape.
When I realised I’d been sexually abused I started questioning the rest of my childhood. I carried on with my education and because for the first time ever people were proud of me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everything all of a sudden. I became promiscuous and by the time I was sixteen I was using up to 3 grams of amphetamine and drinking daily, but I still managed to finish college. I even got into university and moved away to escape
I was clean, but my sleep pattern didn’t improve and I began to lose control. I would get drunk, smash bottles, get into fights...I tried to run away to France too. Sometimes I was so scared everything I locked myself in my room for days and didn’t even eat or drink. I would just stare at the walls not sleep or move.
I started using heroin. A friend committed suicide (the 7th friend to die in three years). I started smoking crack too and failing university. I wasn’t eating and I was self harming again. I had raging mood swings. I took so much heroin I overdosed numerous times. At first heroin stopped the feelings and memories, but eventually I couldn’t control either.
I have been clean twelve weeks. I went cold turkey on my own. I didn’t speak to anyone and it is since going through withdrawal that things have got worse than they’ve ever been. Experiencing withdrawal and facing everything that has happened and everything I’ve done has been horrifying. I can’t put it in words. I started drinking again instantly and it resulted in physically fighting, criminal damage and promiscuity. I cried for the first time in years that week...and haven’t really stopped since.
I don’t drink or touch drugs now, not because I don’t want them, but because even heroin doesn’t stop the thoughts and memories and everything anymore. I can’t even try and ignore it anymore. I don’t want to fail my degree because I’ll be homeless and really have nothing, but I can’t even function anymore. I don’t speak to people or see friends, or have many left. I can’t bear them, or this or myself anymore. I don’t pay my bills or go food shopping. I haven’t attended university. I find it impossible to even go out now. I’m at rock bottom.
I wondered if anyone here might be able to tell me whether this sounds anything like ptsd? I know talking on the internet isn’t to be taken as diagnoses. I would just be appreciative of any advice. I can’t express the fear I feel. I don’t even say it all to myself until now. I did go to therapy when I was sixteen, but every time she spoke I wanted to scream...or pass out, but instead I just sat there and said things which I weren’t true or changed the subject, then I ignored the appointments until they stopped ringing and decided it was all the therapist’s fault. I don’t know how to speak to a doctor or a counsellor, but I’ve run out of drugs and coping mechanisms. I know I can’t make it go away , but I can’t cope with all this being here.