View Full Version : Please Help. PTSD Husband Wants a Break
Hi. My name is Jaz and I need some guidance/help/etc.
My husband, Tee, has PTSD. He's an Active Duty Marine who has been to Iraq twice. We are both 23 years old.
We married 9 months after we met and then the month after we got married he deployed for 7 months. I was not very responsible with the funds and had a father (who is also diagnosed with PTSD from Vietnam) who took advantage of me and my kindness. When he came back we had gotten an apartment in North Carolina but had no money left in the bank. He was very distressed about this but chose to really just confront my dad more than I. We still had difficulties and problems especially because I got pregnant shortly after he came home and miscarried. This was November of 2005. Within two months, we found out that I was pregnant again and we were having problems. (Also at this time I was completing college in Va, where we both are originally from). In January 2006 I chose my father over my husband by giving him more money (my college tuition reimbursement check). He forgave me but was deeply resentful. He didnt know if he wanted to stay married and at some point he cheated. As he was getting ready to deploy again in July of 2006, I was 7 months pregnant and our marriage was in deep trouble. But we worked through it and our son, Tonie, was born September of 2006.
Everything was fine until Thanksgiving 2006 when Tonie died of SIDS. My mother, myself and my son had visited my mother's family in New York for Thanksgiving. Three weeks before I had dreamt he would die and my husband repeatedly asked me not to take him to New York. When Tonie died, he secretly blamed me for his death. He has held this anger towards me for the last year but I've just recently found out from other people. This, amazingly, is not the end of the story.
I got pregnant again within a month of Tonie's death and moved to NC with my husband. He had closed himself off to me. He took the money the marine corps gave to us for our son's death and he blew it on frivolous things. He didnt feel like he could be open with me. He stayed out of the house, with his friends (fellow Marines). He began drinking heavily and going out frequently. He could only sleep if he passed out from drinking. At some point he was diagnosed with PTSD but he never told me until later because he doesnt like to talk to me about that. He was scheduled to get out of the Marine Corps September '07 but reenlisted and decided to go for the full 20 years. We were relocated to Quantico, Va, where he said we would start over.
For the most part, we had started over. We were both making more of an effort. He told me what kind of wife he needed, someone supportive, someone who would be there for him, the biblically described wife. So thats what I've been. I've catered to his every need and done everything he's ever asked and while he's appreciated it, he also knows how good he has it. He knows I would never leave him regardless. I gave birth to our daughter, Jazmyn, September 11th of this year and he has been a fantastic father to her. He said he was happy with his family.
But then on the night before Christmas Eve, he snapped and proclaimed he doesnt wanna be with me anymore. He keeps saying he doesnt know what he wants. One minute he wants a divorce and he wants to be thru, the next, he doesnt wanna let go of me and wants to stay married. Now he's more on the latter, that he wants to stay with me, but he's afraid that he's gonna hurt me. Apparently he's feeling rage so deep he's afraid he may put his hands on me and he's currently staying with his brother. He has done this in similar ways before, as I said before, but they werent like this.
He still tells me he loves me and kisses me goodbye but he doesnt know what he's gonna do. He says he's getting help and later he'd be open to us getting help together.
Meanwhile, I'm taking care of our 3 month old daughter. I've recently been diagnosed with post partum depression myself and I also lost my job. So its a lot.
I'm sorry this is a lot, but my story is long and complex and I was just wondering if anyone has any advice/encouragement? I know no one can tell the future, but maybe you could help me know what to expect...whether or not I should expect him to return...something.
Thank you. God Bless.
Hi Jaz sorry to hear that you are going through all this!
The Carers section is quiet at the moment I am sure it is not that all our sufferers are behaving themselves!
Quite a few carers are away for holidays maybe if you post in the general chat area you may get some sound advice as there are more users at the moment in that area?
Hope this helps!
Jen
Don't have much to say either JAZ, except welcome. Wife Kathy and I are on holidays for a few more days. Additionally she is ill right now. She will chat with you more upon our return. Good idea to talk to the sufferers though, as Jen mentioned.
Jim.
Well thank you Jen and Jim. Please continue to enjoy your holidays...I wish I could enjoy mine especially as our wedding anniversary is New Year's Day...but I will keep my head up anyway. Thank you for responding, that means a lot for now.
Marine0311
31-12-2007, 01:31 PM
You both need Therapy. PTSD & Depression can break up any Marriage, but losing a child is just the worse thing ever.
Maybe you both need therapy together, or go see a Chaplan, Priest or something.
I pray for your family, God Bless!
Semper Fi
She Cat
31-12-2007, 07:27 PM
Jazz,
I am so sorry for everything that you have been through, you both are so young. I agree that therapy is needed for the both of you. A therapist trained in PTSD trauma for your husband, a therapist for you to deal with your issues and maybe later marriage counseling for both of you.
There is a carers section here on the forum that you might want to look at too for additional help for yourself.
Hope things are better for you, and hubby in 2008.
Damiea
31-12-2007, 11:37 PM
Hello JAZ, welcome to the carers. Hope things get better for you soon
Kathy
02-01-2008, 02:12 AM
Welcome to the forum JAZ, lovely to have you. I am most sorry for the loss of your baby. Having lost my son this past year, I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one can experience in life.
You and Tee have been through much pain and stress in a very short period of time. It is encouraging that you were both working on the relationship. I am uncertain why Tee "snapped" on Christmas Eve, however I would venture a guess. The holidays are a difficult and very stressful time for all, and with PTSD added to the mix, far worse. Even good stress can cause problems. So perhaps that is why. Hopefully, he may come round again after the holidays and things are back to normal.
Now he's more on the latter, that he wants to stay with me, but he's afraid that he's gonna hurt me. Apparently he's feeling rage so deep he's afraid he may put his hands on me and he's currently staying with his brother. He has done this in similar ways before, as I said before, but they werent like this.
This concerns me. He may simply be worrying too much or catastrophizing and may never touch you or your precious little one. However, he may also be warning you legitimately that he feels he is losing control of himself. Only you can know for certain what is going on, as you are there with him and know him. I would suggest you not take any chances. You must protect yourself and your daughter. Perhaps given this aspect, it is a good thing he is staying with his brother at this time. Violent thoughts are nothing to fool with, especially in someone with PTSD who has not yet had much treatment. It does not mean he is a bad person; far from it. However untreated PTSD can be very nasty. Better to take precautions now than be sorry later on.
It is most encouraging that he wants to go to therapy or treatment at a later date along with you. That is positive. As others have said, therapy is needed for both of you. Are you in therapy yourself currently? Even if he does not join you, therapy for yourself, and/or medication, would be very wise, given the post partum. Do you have family or friends nearby who can be a support to you at this time? Regardless of his PTSD and so on, you need support as a new mother. I had post partum myself after one of my children and it not easy. Support from family and friends is crucial.
Please continue to write here as often and as much as you wish, ask any questions you wish. Merely writing out how you are feeling can be most helpful. Truly there are no easy answers to your situation, however I do suggest concentrating on yourself and your child as much as you are able. You are also important. Please take good care of yourself.
Thank you Marine0311, She Cat, Dameia and Kathy. I appreciate your concern and comments.
Basically I'm convinced this is his PTSD and so I'm trying to give him his space. I only contact him once a day (8 pm) if he hasnt already contacted me for the day, which he usually does. This is just to fill him in on things happening here and with our baby. He seems to appreciate that. Today we talked a little, it being our anniversary, and he was still confused. He said he thinks he wants a divorce but he doesnt know. Then he said he wants to take it day by day. So thats what we're doing. He loves me but he's not in love with me and he measured that based on the amount of love he feels for our daughter and how natural he says that is. But he also admitted that he feels he could fall back in love with me he just thinks this will happen again. I think he really needs to get comprehensive help for his PTSD. But I'm not gonna force that right now. He seems like he's starting to come around now that the holidays are over. But its hard because so many of our friends are starting to break up too.
I am in the process of getting my counseling started. And I think he's already in counseling but whenever we do talk I'm gonna really stress the importance of making sure he's completely honest with them so he can get the help he needs. I dont see this being the end and the way I know him, this happened too random for it to really be the end. He's generally been like that he wants to stay married he just doesnt wanna hurt me and that the problems we're having he doesnt see a way to end them and I think thats the PTSD overwhelming him...so I'm just gonna keep supporting him and taking care of myself and daughter and keeping the doors open.
But I dont want this to happen again. So, for after he comes home, how do we stop this from repeating?
Kathy
02-01-2008, 11:34 PM
It sounds as though you are doing the right things JAZ; very well done for your efforts. As far as prevention however, there are no guarantees. Both of you being in therapy and honestly trying will certainly reduce the likelihood of problems. However truthfully, it is up to Tee to continue with his healing and you may only be there to support and encourage him. Educate yourself as much as you are able about PTSD, as knowledge is power with this illness. I would suggest reading the information sections upon this forum as a beginning. Continue being supportive of him but do not fall into the trap many other carers have, of allowing their lives to revolve around the sufferer. Do not be overly involved or pushy. Additionally continue to take care of yourself and your daughter. Do not neglect your own needs, as they are every bit as important as his. Take good care.
Bella78
03-01-2008, 07:31 AM
Oh my JAZ. I am so very to hear about all your very difficult times. Your story is very very familiar to me. I have a great deal of compassion for you and I completely understand your devotion to your husband. I myself have questioned many times if mine deserves to have me feel forgiveness for all he has done, but it is involuntary I suppose. And we don't even have children.
As the others have advised, most definitely get counselling. Both of you and possibly together. But that will probably be down the track. Your husband needs therapy as soon as possible, but just be sure that the medical health professionals you deals with know what they are doing. It can be even more damaging for PTSD sufferers to get the wrong sort of attention than none at all.
A few tips with this though, he is unlikely to go to therapy if he feels pushed. So be careful there. Ans also remember that a PTSD sufferer in a bad way such as your husband seems to be can only process a little at a time. It is positive that you are speaking with him everyday, but be sure to keep it a positive experience where possible. And use what my psychologist calls "sound bites". A few words in short sentences. To the point. Leaving some space between, to allow him to both process what you have said and also give him the opportunity to speak if he wants to. Many PTSD sufferers will express their frustration with people who think they can't think for themsleves and make their own decisions. They can and do, but when they are ill, it is much more difficult and they will resist agreeing with anyone who tries to "control" them. (At least that's how I understand it)
I am not saying that you are trying to control your husband, but it is probably how he sees it. And in my case, my husband left to get away from me doing it, even though I was just trying to stop him "messing up" (frivilous spending, lying, treating friends like crap, wreckless and dangerous behaviour, etc) and get his life back on track. He took it as me suggesting he was incapable of m,aking decisions and living his own life (even though in some ways he was), so he was like, "Ha! I'll show you! I'm gonna go live my life how I want to and do what I want." Which is exactly what he is doing right now. And his "messing up" has only got worse.
Be grateful your husband is with a family member, someone who obviously cares. My husband is alone, well, at least most of the time I think... really don't know now. This has at times made me worry a great deal about suicidal thoughts. He is that low it is very possible, although nothing confirmed on that front.
You can't stop this from repeating, but don't forget, you can't ensure any marriage won't fall apart for whatever reason, PTSD or not. This type is just a hell of a lot more work. But it sounds to me like if he does return (and you probably can't do much to convince him either way really), you seem loving, compassionate and understanding enough to give this PTSD carer thing a really good shot.
The best "insurance" you can get is as much healing as possible for your husband, thru therapy and to keep yourself as emotionally and mentally strong to be best suited to cope with whatever happens. And be sure to take good care of you daughter too. Also, as Kathy said, arm yourself with as much info on PTSD as possible. It makes it easier to understand his actions and helps you know the best way to respond and act otherwise.
I wish you the best of luck and send you strength. You are in my prayers. Please keep us informed.:Hug_emoticon:
Thank you Kathy and Bella I really appreciate the words.
Our anniversary was New Year's Day and he called and wished me a happy anniversary at midnight which was encouraging. Without going thru the particulars of every conversation we've had this week, he's basically not knowing what he wants to do. The only reason he really considered divorce was because in his mind all the problems that we've had seem overwhelming and unfixable. He wont talk to me about how he's feeling but he's talked to several friends. And I dont wanna push. I'm trying to put our issues to the side and just rebuild the relationship itself but its frustrating because I dont want him to take my kindness for weakness.
He's stayed at the house for the past two days and I know he's going out for the weekend and wants to take the baby. This morning he was expressing that he wasnt even really supposed to be at the house. He's told others before he's wanted a divorce but its always been like he was tryin to convince himself; whereas now he's not really leaning towards that but he's just wanting to live life one day at a time, which is fine...but then he wants to be intimate and he wants to play around with me and joke with me like everything is cool but he cant say he loves me like he used to...its frustrating. I dont wanna be used. I dont want him to build up my hopes and then dash them again.
I stressed to him the importance of counseling and he says he's getting it. He's also open to marital counseling at a later date. Meanwhile I've really been good at giving him his space and letting him make the major moves...but I look at him and my emotions sometimes take over. I have a journal that I write in and most of the time I can relieve my feelings in there but sometimes something will spill out. Its just really hard.
I know so many people have said that I need to concentrate on taking care of myself, but so much of my life has been wrapped up around my husband and baby. I already blame myself profusely for my son's death and, come to find out, my husband blames me too (heard this from 3rd party but he never denied it when I brought it up). My happiness has always been interdependent of their happiness. Everything I've done has been for them. And I have found that I have truly lost my sense of self, and that without them I'm really empty.
His heart seems to be pulling him back home but his head keeps trying to get him back to his former state. Like, one minute he's talkin about the future and the next he's unsure. Even last night when he was talkin about going back to his brother's it was more like he just wanted to get his clothes...but he stayed anyway. He told me before he'd be going to see his psychiatrist hopefully after the new year, so i hope that will be soon.
There are other things (i.e. he is convinced I cheated on him when I didnt) but I really dont know how (or if) to deal with them because he's not talkin to me about it and I dont wanna push. For now, I know he still wants us to work and he would never want to be with anyone but me, eventhough he's a prolific flirt and has many female friends he talks to on a daily basis. Right now I'm praying for confidence and strength for myself and my family and I'm trying to do what I can to keep my emotions in check. At the very least, he seems to want to change, but I'm not sure he knows how...I'm just hoping we can get thru this time and I'm learning to respect his wishes of "one day at a time" and trying to just live in the moment. I'm also keeping God on speed dial. Prayer definitely works.
Thanks again.
Kathy
05-01-2008, 07:35 AM
I already blame myself profusely for my son's death and, come to find out, my husband blames me too (heard this from 3rd party but he never denied it when I brought it up).
I certainly understand this JAZ as my husband and I have taken turns blaming ourselves and each other for our son's death as well. Perhaps because it is easier to place the blame somewhere rather than admit there are no easy answers as to why the death occurred, why our son and not someone else's, and so on. Likewise with your baby, it is absolutely no one's fault. Your baby did not die due to neglect. However it is very difficult to get to the point where you do not blame yourself. My heart goes out to you, there are no easy answers. Time and therapy will definitely help somewhat but as a mother it is extremely difficult. We are supposed to protect our children always, regardless of age. They are not supposed to die before us and if they do it is quite natural to blame ourselves.
I have found that I have truly lost my sense of self, and that without them I'm really empty.
If you have lost your sense of self JAZ, then this is a good time to find it again, whilst separated from your husband. Your baby is a different story; you are a mother and will always be a mother, and a large portion of your life will always revolve around your child. However, you should have a life separate from your spouse, especially whilst having problems. It is very important to do so and that is why you are hearing it from so many people.
As far as getting back together, perhaps you may ponder what would be a reasonable amount of time in your mind? How long you would be willing to wait? 3 months? 6 months? A year or longer? Only you can decide what the length of time would be. Once you decide, you could perhaps tell him, this is as long as I will tolerate a seperation. He then knows your boundaries and limits. Or, the two of you could decide on a "deadline" together. Bottom line, you are not required to wait indefinitely for him. Merely a suggestion, however it may give you some peace to know you have a plan of action and are not simply in limbo.
Take good care and keep us updated.
Thanks so much Kathy for that indepth and quick response.
Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts. Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have. I was always so anxious about my daughter. I wouldnt sleep. He died while in my mother's care and she's getting therapy for that...I've always felt like he should've been with me. But maybe it would've been harder for me...as if thats possible.
I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy?
Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel. I'd rather him stay out as long as he needs if it means him really working on this and finding himself...but I dont feel running away is the answer, even if it is a coping mechanism. I havent been able to run but he always has, and I dont think thats fair. I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away.
As far as working on creating a deadline together, as of now he isnt even really up to a real conversation about the issues at hand...thats another reason I'm kind of willing to give him all that time. I dont know if he'll ever talk about it. He may come back and not wanna talk about it. And I've done research on marital problems and not talking about problems seems to be a big way to help deal with the relationship vs. just the problems. But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know?
At least, so far, the signs I've gotten have been positive. I'm trying to continue to have faith that God is providing and that we'll get thru this; so please keep us in your prayers. And thank you for the encouragement; its a true blessing.
Kathy
05-01-2008, 08:09 AM
Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts.
Yes. Unfortunately I do understand what you are saying. I believe I will always feel somewhat responsible for my son's death as well. However that does not change the fact that you and I are both incorrect in our thinking! Additionally, logically I don't see that taking your child to New York had any bearing on his death? He died of SIDS, correct? He could have died regardless of where he was. In any event it is a very tragic and unfortunate situation, and you are both so young as well! Most difficult to deal with, my heart goes out to you both.
Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have.
You have PTSD as well JAZ? I was not aware of that. I could have overlooked that in my reading, I apologize if that is the case.
I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy?
You are in therapy currently, correct? Your therapist might have some good ideas for you, yes. Off hand I would say simply begin doing something you enjoy on a regular basis. Perhaps take a class, join a gym, go out with friends once a week. Something you enjoy doing that is just for you. It can be anything and does not need to be expensive nor take up a huge amount of time. Myself, I simply get up an hour earlier than everyone else in my house and have that hour daily to do whatever I wish. In my busy household, I treasure that hour, believe me.
Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel.
If that is how you feel currently JAZ, then that is the right thing to do. The time period was merely a suggestion. If you are comfortable with what you are currently doing then you already have a plan of action in my opinion. Well done.
I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away.
No, that is not insensitive at all. That is your boundary. As an adult, he has an obligation to work upon himself, to heal himself and so on. He will do so in his own time obviously however you are under no obligation to wait for him indefinitely. You may encourage him to seek help however if he does not help himself it is not your fault nor your problem. It is his choice entirely.
But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know?
Well, he eventually will have to talk about things. Talking over problems is very important for healing, as individuals and in any kind of relationship. He is obviously not ready at this point however I do hope that changes for you in future. I am glad matters seem positive so far and that you have your faith to comfort you. My faith is also important to me. Do please keep us informed how things are going.
Thanks Kathy.
Sorry I meant Post Partum, not PTSD..I sometimes type so quickly my thoughts dont catch up with my fingers lol.
I'm trying to get my counseling together now; right now we've been miscommunicating so I'm gonna try to call her Monday..it's just been so stressful because I've been trying to find another job.
I'm really trying to give him his space. He's basically on a "whatever happens, happens" kind of mindset, but he's not really leaning in a negative direction anymore. It's the slow, tedious road to reconciliation but there's no titles or pressure. I'm trying not to analyze anything or think so much and just let it happen; in the meantime I'll just wait and see what happens.
I want him to get better, obviously, and thats why part of me doesnt want to put any constraints on him; but I've already been thru this. My father is also a sufferer of PTSD and he just got diagnosed a year or so ago. But he dealt with it for years. When my mother left, I had to deal with his anxieties and his issues, and I dont want that happening to our daughter. I dealt with a lot of verbal and psychological abuse and my dad loved me to death. I know he didnt mean it but that didnt stop it from being inflicted. I expressed this to Tee and he agreed and said that was part of the reason he left.
There have been other things that have popped up as far as his behavior is concerned that have bothered me but right now I dont wanna go into it as I may just be speculating. But I just hope that he can somehow work thru this and get the help he needs and I'll support him on it. And if, God forbid, we dont work this out, I'm still gonna continue to urge he get help for the sake of our daughter. I dont want her to go thru what I went thru.
Yes, my faith is extremely important. God is definitely good.