My Son's Death is Tearing Me Apart

[Kathy]

As most of you know, my son Brian died in a car crash in April of 2007. He had untreated PTSD and although his death was ruled an accident, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that it may well have been a suicide, at least a subconscious one. He was most definitely engaging in typical PTSD risk-taking behaviours.

We have spent the last 8 months trying to grieve, trying to discuss the situation, going to therapy and support groups, all of which is positive. However we have also spent a great deal of time blaming ourselves and one another for his death, second guessing our actions, wondering how we could have done things differently and so on. It has not been easy. Early on I wished myself dead, questioned my own sanity, and taken out my anger on my family, especially my other children. It has been difficult all round. I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one may experience in life. I fully see now how it often changes lives for the worst.

The Christmas holidays were quite difficult, it seems every holiday will now be difficult, with Brian gone. Shortly before our holidays began I came to the realization that I badly need therapy to deal with this. I have been experiencing quite intense symptoms of anxiety and depression which I can no longer ignore. I am going to be evaluated in a couple of weeks, and then begin therapy on my own, though my husband is planning on attending with me on occasion. As a retired therapist it has been most difficult to admit that I am overwhelmed by this problem and cannot handle it alone. However I am determined to push through my "professional pride" and truly deal with this. It has changed my life forever, but there is still much to live for.

I was extremely stressed prior to having my holiday break and I do apologize if I was terse or rude to anyone here on any subject, or regarding my son specifically. Honestly I am uncertain if I have offended or not, and I am not going to look back at my posting history. No use beating myself up in that fashion. I simply recall being quite stressed and I can become quite snappy then. So, my apologies to any who were on the receiving end of that, publicly or privately.

I will still be here editing and commenting as previous, however I plan to take more breaks and not be quite as involved. I have, so to speak, "lost myself" in the problems of others on this forum, to avoid dealing with the pain of losing my son. I am determined to change that in this new year.

[hodge]

Kathy, I am so sorry you are having such difficulty, but very glad for you that you recognize it and will seek help. It must be very difficult to place yourself on the other side of the desk, so to speak. I haven't seen any evidence of your being unpleasant on this forum in any way, though I understand how easy it is to get paranoid about that, since I get that way myself. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hodge

[Claire]

Hello Kathy, I dont pretend to know the pain you experience but I wish you well and think you should be very proud of yourself for realising and accepting you need professional help. Good luck, Claire

[Jen]

Hi Kathy sorry to hear that you are doing it hard but at least you recognize in yourself that your grief is overwheming you!
Gee if this happened to me I dont know how I would cope you are doing well!
Look after yourself in this New Year!

[grace5555]

Kathy - all I can say is I am sorry and you are in my thoughts and prayers throughout these difficult days...

Grace

[JAZ]

I completely understand what you are going thru. And although we lost our sons in different ways and at different times, it is truly the worst pain a person can ever feel. My son, Tonie, was 7 weeks old when he passed away. And my husband was in Iraq at the time and so he never got to meet our son. Then we got pregnant immediately again. We've never really dealt with it and I am just now getting ready to go into counseling for my post partum depression...of which I know Tonie is the cause of a lot of it. I also believe that Tonie's death is a big reason why Tee is having his issues now. I know its weighed very heavily on his mind lately.

Tonie died Thanksgiving 2006 so obviously the holidays starting with Thanksgiving have been horrible. But I just pray to get me thru those times. I pray and I write in a journal. I mean, I still need therapy and the support of my family and friends, but sometimes just being to myself helps. Talking to him helps too. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself first, regardless of what manner you choose. I will be praying for you and your family. Take care.

[becvan]

Kathy, I think you should be very proud of yourself. Your putting your needs first and reaching out for help with such overbearing emotions.

I am glad you have the strength to do what you need to do.

bec

[Nicolette]

Kathy my heart goes out to you & I am sorry for your pain & your loss.

I wish you the strength you need to get through this & admire you for taking steps to help yourself.

Please take care.

[Linda]

Dear Kathy,
Just before going I want to say you: good luck and best wishes! It is good that you had reqalized the problem and decided to deal with it. Hope you will get better soon.
Hugs
Linda:Hug_emoticon:

[Kathy]

Thank you all for the good wishes, I appreciate it!

[Bella78]

Kathy. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, but commend you on recognising it and taking the steps to look after yourself. There is no shame in that at all. Those of us who too often put others before ourselves tend to suffer that little bit more when it all gets on top of us, as we aren't used to taking care of number 1.

Have not noticed even a hint of rude or snappy. I couldn't even imagine your posts being like that.

Best of luck and love to you:Hug_emoticon:

[pandora]

Kathy...I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Please take good care of yourself...one day at a time.

[Kathy]

I haven't seen any evidence of your being unpleasant on this forum in any way, though I understand how easy it is to get paranoid about that, since I get that way myself.

Thank you Hodge, and everyone else who has said I have not been unpleasant. I do worry about it as I definitely have been unpleasant with my family. However perhaps you are correct Hodge, in that I am just being paranoid.

I intend to write a bit more about this in time, however at the moment I haven't much to say. Perhaps after I start therapy. In any event, thank you all once more for the support.

[anthony]

Kathy, the hardest part is now over for you.... in that you acknowledge the problem. Well done and now you may just be open to actually finding some resolve to what you feel. Your feelings are natural, not unnatural. I agree with you though, in that you must put all what you know professionally aside and listen to a therapist that suits your personality, so you can heal and not obscure yourself with your professional knowledge. I say that because those with the knowledge typically are not as open to being helped, though you have just endured that and learnt it isn't helping you. Well done Kathy and your starting the road to your own healing process.

[Marlene]

Kathy,

I remember when my mother went to grief therapy after my sister died it helped her a lot to deal with feelings she'd kept buried. I hope it helps you find some peace in your life.

Take care of yourself. Let those around you carry some of the weight you usually do. Concentrate on yourself.

Hugs
Lisa

[Jim]

Don't know if it's a mother thing, or because Kathleen is a therapist. However. She has had far more difficulty with Brian's death than myself. Not to say I have no pain. Far from it. Sometimes though - I feel guilt over that aspect. Just don't seem to feel things quite as intensely as she.

Well done though my dear, on starting therapy. Pray it helps us both.

Jim.

[kers]

Kathy, I'm glad you are reaching out to get help. Therapy has helped me find a way to accept what I always thought was simply impossible to accept. I hope it can help you find a way to manage things, too.

[hodge]

Thank you Hodge, and everyone else who has said I have not been unpleasant. I do worry about it as I definitely have been unpleasant with my family. However perhaps you are correct Hodge, in that I am just being paranoid.

Dear Kathy, I dare say many of us know this paranoia well. I've been unpleasant with my husband on occasion, too (most recently, today, although I feel it went both ways this time). This is all an uphill battle. I just read a New Year's letter from a dear friend of mine and want to share this thought with you:

"As I pondered this scripture [from this past weekend, I assume] about light and darkness it struck me that it doesn’t say the darkness would dissipate but that light shines in it."

This thought helps me; I hope it helps you, too.

[wildcritter44]

Kathy,

You are obviously a strong person to recognize in yourself the need to seek help.
Be proud of yourself for that.

I haven't been on the forum much lately, and I don't remember reading anything about you losing Brian. I am sorry. I do believe he use to post here sometimes, didn't he?
I seem to remember that he would post to some responses that Evie wrote. My memory isn't what it use to be. Forgive me, if I am wrong.

You deal with so very many things in your life. I will say a prayer and hope this New Year can bring you happiness and good health to you and your family.

:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon: to you & all your family

Donna

aka/wildcritter

[Kathy]

Yes that's correct Donna, Brian used to post here occasionally. There was a thread regarding his death however I believe it didn't mention Brian specifically in the title, that is perhaps why you do not recall. Forgive me as I don't wish to go searching for it, too painful.

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts. I wish you the same happiness this year for you and your family.

[Kathy]

I am going for my evaluation / intake appointment for therapy tomorrow, and just found out I will be seen by one of my former colleagues! I must admit I do feel rather nervous, not to mention embarrassed. I do believe I would have preferred to be evaluated by a stranger. However I intend to be honest and straightforward despite my embarrassment.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Kathy, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can't even imagine what your going through. Hang in there!

Tammy

[Frankie]

Kathy, going for help when you are in so much pain is nothing to be embarrassed about, even if it is from a former colleague !

They are there to listen to you, to help you move on, and when I say move on, I don't mean it in a bad way, as if you will forget about Brian ! but I mean it as in "to live your life, knowing it will never be the same". You will learn to accept the pain and misery that comes with the loss of a child. Accepting that life will never be the same.

Knowing that in time, you will remember Brian and smile ! Oh, I know it will take time, and the pain you feel now is perfectly normal. Our children should never go before us !

But also know that each one of us grieves in our own way ! Who should tell us how to measure grief ? or how long and how we should grieve ? Noone, but you !

Jim mentioned that you are having a harder time then he is. That doesn't mean he loved Brian less or misses him less, but we all grieve differently. And you are still in one phase of the process.

But you are accepting the fact that you need help ! And that is a measure step forward !

God Bless !

[Kathy]

Thank you Frankie, I always appreciate your very sensible words. I must admit though it is difficult to watch Jim doing things which I am not able to do. He is grieving differently than I am and not any less painfully, however I do wish sometimes I handled things as he does. I do feel jealous of my husband at times! I am very hopeful though this therapy will be helpful.

[Jim]

Well. Kathleen you are being a bit generous. Not much to be jealous of. Your husband is still in pain, though male pride keeps him from showing it too often. ;-) Part that concerns me about you, is the nightmares and crying. And. Worrying about the kids incessantly. Not wanting to let them out of your sight. Though the worry about Evie currently, agree with that one.

Jim.

[Kathy]

Hi Kathy, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can't even imagine what your going through. Hang in there!


Oh dear. Forgot to thank you also Tammy. I very much appreciate the support!


Part that concerns me about you, is the nightmares and crying. And. Worrying about the kids incessantly.

Yes, the nightmares especially make me very concerned for myself, as I never dreamt much at all prior to Brian's death. The worrying too of course is quite unlike me. I used to be such a calm person, I miss that about myself!

[Kathy]

In spite of how busy we were yesterday, I did manage to attend my intake appointment. It was not nearly as embarrassing as I had envisioned. The majority of time was spent in filling out forms and completing assessment tests. Now I must wait for the results of the tests, though from my professional experience and having used identical tests on clients, I already know the results. It was rather odd to be on the receiving of the assessment!

[Nicolette]

Kathy, on our flight home yesterday I was reading the book "I Can't get Over It- Trauma Survivors" (Anthony's bible) & I came across this passage which made me think of you -

"No one can be "together" all of the time. Eventually everyone, no matter how fortunate, encountes a situation that baffles or breaks them".

Hang in there & take care

[Frankie]

Kathy, you made the first step ! And I can imagine how you felt odd on being on the other side of the fence ! :) You have gone through a lot and still are with your other children, let them help you now !

I have heard that there are many stages in the grieving process. Know that your journey is not over, but you will learn how to live and deal with it ! And, he will always be with you in your heart !

I know that my cousin is now very angry at her son (I mentioned once that my cousin lost her almost 18 year old son in a car accident, in July of last year). He was speeding and was only a few minutes away from home, now she is very angry at him ! Thankfully, noone else was hurt but he never had a chance !

You are jealous of the way Jim is handling it ....but as Jim said " male pride" :) he is in as much pain as you are in, I am sure, but we all react differently, maybe next month Jim will need your support more ?

Worrying is part of being a parent :)....Your nightmares and dreams and the crying is all normal and part of your grieving process ! If you don't want to talk to anyone, if you are mad at people, all this is a normal part of grieving ! Don't put yourself down ! and certainly don't blame yourself for how and what you are feeling !

[anthony]

I must add here, that whilst what Frankie states around being normal, is that do not allow it to become your new normal. Then your in the shit... just ask anyone with PTSD. Kathy, well done on your evaluation and this is what I talk about in regards to those in the industry being the hardest to treat. You said you know the answers already, hence the hard part.

This is not the first time you have been through traumatic episodes within your life Kathy, and whilst more personal to you being your son, you have still healed from other matters and helped others within your family heal them. Now just turn your magic wand upon yourself please and I truly hope this therapy helps you for what understanding you need to get from it. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this helps you Kathy.... more importantly, you help yourself throughout the process. I don't want to be helping you deal with PTSD later down the track thanks... when it can be avoided by helping yourself totally now.

[Marlene]

It was rather odd to be on the receiving of the assessment!

I imagine it would be. But the first step is always the hardest and you did it. Good for you. Therapy is never fun, it's never something you look forward to, but it is a way to help yourself to deal with something you've learned you can't deal with by yourself. BTW-that's a mantra I've used on myself for a long time now to get my rear end to my appointments.

Take care of yourself, Kathy.

Hugs
Lisa

[Kathy]

Thank you Lisa. Yes therapy is not fun. And in my case I feel almost as if I am coming out of retirement! Though obviously that is silly as I am now the client. It is quite strange though. I fully see now why many therapists are loathe to do it. In a way though it will be nice as I am not the one having to take notes, write in charts, communicate with the treatment team and so on! :wink: Those tasks were a large part of my job and were the parts I liked the least!

[Kathy]

do not allow it to become your new normal.

Yes excellent point Anthony, thank you. Grieving is normal obviously, and losing one's child is especially difficult. Additionally 8 months is really not such a long time to deal with a traumatic death. Jim is still grieving, Evie is grieving, the other children are grieving... however there is a certain "quality" to their grieving which suggests to me they are getting on with things in spite of their pain. Myself, on the other hand - I have reached a point where I do not believe my grieving is normal any longer. Not that I should not feel sad or angry or any other of the feelings I am experiencing - rather that these feelings are now spilling into the rest of my life and interferring with my day to day living in a rather large way. That is what I fear is not normal. I have not talked much about my symptoms here, however perhaps I should.

This is not the first time you have been through traumatic episodes within your life Kathy, and whilst more personal to you being your son, you have still healed from other matters and helped others within your family heal them.

Again, this is why I suspect it is not normal this time round. I was much stronger after the murders than I am now. Even with Evie being run off all that time and Jim and I worrying for her safety it was not like this. I've never experienced nightmares and anxiety to this extent in my entire life. Whilst Jim and I were driving to town yesterday, we saw the wreckage of an accident on the highway. Jim did not make the connection however I immediately thought of Brian. I was quite out of sorts for the rest of the day, crying and being quite snappy with Jim, and experienced fresh nightmares of Brian that evening.

I might as well say here that the results of my assessment are leaning towards my having traumatic stress. Not PTSD, but temporary traumatic stress that may be eradicated with treatment. I do intend to work dilligently upon myself so that it does not become anything more than that. I feel fortunate as Jim has had traumatic stress from combat and was able to work through it. So, given his experience, he will assist me in addition to the therapy. I need to accept his help and not be proud! We are both hoping for the best possible outcome.

[anthony]

Kathy, well done for your acknowledgement of your self. The starting point with all trauma Kathy does not change, in that you must list your trauma, you must then list what you feel surrounding each traumatic issue / event, you then take those feelings and expand them as much as possible to isolate the exact problems. You need a place to begin working with what is in your head, but until you get what you feel and think out on paper for yourself and others to help you, the problems just remain yours. If Jim is helping you, I honestly believe you should be doing this now, outside of therapy, as therapy cannot achieve what you can if you work hard at yourself. You can have therapy for years and achieve nothing if you aren't prepared to look at every detail yourself, regardless how painful some parts may be, you must face the pain and face your emotional fears yourself. You simply need that support to help you through, though nobody can actually help you identify and solve the problems, only you can do that for yourself. Just remember Kathy, I am always here if you need me, just email and I will help you. Trauma is my speciality.....

[Frankie]

I do understand the situation better now Kathy, and I agree with what Anthony is saying. Grief is normal, and grief to a certain degree is healthy. Anthony said it best when he said "do not allow it to become your new normal" And also true, everyone can help you in their own way, but you have to face all the pain and fears ! You are on the right path, you have taken the path of healing !

[Tammy]

Dear Kathy,
I also am happy that you are taking steps towards healing yourself. Just know we all here support you and wish you the very best!
Tammy

[Jen]

Kathy you are a strong woman and hopefully you will be able to cope after a while!

[Lisa]

I just wanted to say I'm pleased that you accepted that you need a little help to deal with your grief, Kathy. It's a hard thing for anyone to admit, let alone someone who worked in the same field that you are receiving help from! You've done brilliantly allowing a former colleague to assess you... I guess that must have been difficult. But good for you.

Hard as it is... you are starting to deal with things better already, simply by acknowledging when you need a bit of extra help is a huge, huge step.

Thinking of you.

[Kathy]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am still not feeling very well. I am finding everything quite difficult at the moment, facing some difficult truths about myself. I realize I only have enough energy for therapy, my husband and my children. As a result I am not posting as much here upon the forum. I will still be around to edit, read, and answer some posts, however my participation will be limited over the next little while.

[Nicolette]

Take as much time as you need for your own healing Kathy as it is a priority. We will miss your posts but will have you in our thoughts.

[anthony]

Please ensure you do take your own advice Kathy.... the forum will continue to run in your absence.... you first thanks.

[Damiea]

Hope you get better soon Kathy.. we are all thinking of you!
I was thinking maybe adding someone else as an editor for the carers section to help take some of the stress off Kathy might help? I would vote to nominate Nicolette if that was ok with her.

[Kathy]

The editing job is truthfully not much work for me. It is only a few minutes a day currently, as I have cut back dramatically. Considering how I am not even able to manage my own household at this point, I would like to retain editing here, it helps me to feel somewhat useful at least.

[anthony]

You know it is always here for you Kathy.... you actually do not need to worry about that as I have highlighted to you before. You are a true asset to this forum, to carers and sufferers alike. You first though.... whatever best suits you is important.

[Nicolette]

I was thinking maybe adding someone else as an editor for the carers section to help take some of the stress off Kathy might help? I would vote to nominate Nicolette if that was ok with her.

Thank you for the compliment Damiea but to be totally honest I could not even come close to filling Kathy's shoes as she does such a tremendous job as well as having the gift of putting advice in such a caring way.

Kathy retaining what she does is important to her and I respect that and having something to make us feel useful is necessary for our own self worth - especially when you are feeling down.

Unfortunately I also run my own company and could not give a commitment to the forum either as my work demands have to come as a priority.

In the event that Kathy was unable to edit for a short period of time (which I hope doesn't occur) I would be happy to assist as a moderator with the general administration tasks. I would not be able to accept any ongoing role as much as I would like to help.

Kathy has been a blessing to the forum :smile:

[Kathy]

I am sorry if I sounded sensitive earlier. Of course I do need to take breaks also, it is only that I quite enjoy editing here, and I am feeling a bit useless at the moment. My family has decided to hire a housekeeper in order to give me a break from taking care of the home. Whilst this might sound wonderful to most people I am feeling quite down at the prospect of it, as taking care of the home is something I enjoy doing for my family. I do realize I require a rest, however I am not used to being looked after by others! I've been a mother for 36 years and I feel rather lost at the moment.


Kathy retaining what she does is important to her and I respect that and having something to make us feel useful is necessary for our own self worth - especially when you are feeling down.


Thank you Nicolette, this explains it quite well.

[anthony]

This doesn't make you any lesser mother Kathy, actually it makes you only a stronger one IMHO, because you can atleast see the bigger picture here. You can see that your demise by overdoing yourself has a consequential flow on effect to yourself and your family at this time. This isn't a permanent thing Kathy, it is something to help minimize the current stresses within the house so that you can help you, so that your family can help you, so that you can work through this time and come out the other end in one piece, stronger, united as a family, not broken down, separated, all at one anothers throats. It is not a reflection of your ability to be a mother Kathy, it is a reflection of yourself as a person to know when you need help. Says a lot to me Kathy, a whole lot. Well done to you Kathy, you should praise yourself for your acts that lead to helping you, not hindering you. Stubborness and pride does not typically see us come out the other side of these ordeals.... the more honest you are with yourself and your life as it currently stands, the higher chance you will come through this without issue and even the faster you will come through this. Why hinder the process IMHO when you have the resources to speed it up so you can get back to your life as you view it faster, and far superior emotionally!!! You first Kathy.... its a hard thing to grasp at first, but it truly is important. You need a safe, secure and stress free environment to heal.... the very same things I told Evie she needed in order to help herself. You and Jim provided that for her and it helped Evie achieve exactly that.... now your turn with your trauma Kathy.

Kinda like having you as a carer Kathy, and to not become a sufferer thanks.

[Nicolette]

I am feeling quite down at the prospect of it, as taking care of the home is something I enjoy doing for my family. I do realize I require a rest, however I am not used to being looked after by others! I've been a mother for 36 years and I feel rather lost at the moment.

You know what Kathy, accepting the help while you are not at your best is the best thing you can do for your family as a mother. By removing some of your stress for you it means the family have a greater chance of their mother/wife being there for them to give love and nurturing rather than being sick and unable to function.

[Kathy]

Thank you both, very sensible advice, especially now that I am feeling a little more resigned to the idea of resting. Truly I was quite angry at my husband initially, for insisting on the housekeeper, and he did definitely insist! It seems to be taking me some time to grasp the concept of thinking of myself first. I am working on it though. I do see both your points, in that I will be quite useless to my family in future if I don't deal with this properly now.

[Jim]

Well. Never thought in a million years I'd be in the doghouse for hiring a housekeeper! ;-)

Jim.

[anthony]

Kinda does have a sense of humour to it ha?

[Nicolette]

Well. Never thought in a million years I'd be in the doghouse for hiring a housekeeper! ;-)

Feel free to give Anthony any such good ideas at any time Jim......we don't have a dog house....well, not for such good ideas :wink:

[Jen]

Recently when I wasnt real good Jim hubby wanted us to get a cleaner in.
I changed his mind I just didnt feel right about it. Maybe Kathy feels like that as well?
But if she can get over the initial denial it should do her the world of good!

[Damiea]

Ohh Kathy I never meant you should be replaced! I meant maybe having someone to help you here. So that you knew you weren't the only one it might help on the days you might not want to log on and deal with everyone else's issues you would know you didn't have to if you didn't want to. Just a helper sort of not a replacement! As for a housekeeper... there has been times I wanted the help.. and times I couldn't imagine someone else in my house moving my things and doing the only thing thats "my" job. But I would say take the chance and you might find you like the short break to go out and do whatever you felt like instead of thinking about all the house work that had to be done. Like a vacation!

[Nicolette]

I have a housekeeper who comes once a week for a couple of hours. She cleans the bathrooms and gives the kitchen a good once over like cupboard doors, stove etc. It's a big help and I wouldn't do it again unless I had to. Doing everything myself used to tire me out and this little bit of help makes a huge difference to my world.

[batgirl]

Mum I kind of see where you are coming from with this, when I couldn't draw anymore it was really awful for me and I felt totally useless. I know looking after the house for all of us is just as important to you as drawing is to me. I felt like less of a person when I couldn't do it anymore, like the one thing I was good at and could take pride in had been stolen from me. Even with you and Dad telling me you loved me and I should just rest because I was ill, I still felt useless and it was hard. But I did discover through not drawing that there are other good qualities to me and I don't have to base all of my self worth just on drawing. And I can draw again now, I got through it! You will too.

[Nicolette]

Good point Evie :)

[anthony]

Well said Evie, very well said and great support.

[Kathy]

Thank you all for the support, Evie especially, that is indeed a good point! With the help of my family and the support I am receiving here, I am starting to accept the idea of the housekeeper. Anthony you were quite correct in that I felt it made me less of a wife and mother, if I could not take care of my family. It has been a difficult adjustment however I am now looking forward to the rest and extra time to myself. Evie and I have been discussing doing more "girl" things together as we live in what is essentially a very male household. :wink: In any event, thank you all for your patience and understanding, I am feeling a bit better about it.

[Jim]

Kinda does have a sense of humour to it ha?

Well Anthony if I didn't laugh I'd cry. Rather laugh to be honest.

Kathleen is gone for 2 days. Getting a well-deserved break with her sister in the city. Kids have to put up with Dad's cooking now. ;-)

Jim.

[anthony]

Know what your saying mate.... know what your saying.

[batgirl]

Kids have to put up with Dad's cooking now. ;-)


Ermm... Newsflash Dad, chopping ONE onion for the salad does not count as cooking!! ;)

[Jim]

Hey now. I paid for that onion. And the rest of the ingredients. ;-)

Dad.

[batgirl]

Omg... :crazy:

[Jen]

Oh yes Evie but I bet it was an important onion :wink:

[batgirl]

Haha Jen well it was to Dad I guess. :)

[Nicolette]

Buying the ingredients is vital and one of the most important contributions (aside chopping an onion which can be a tearful experience!) :rolleyes:

[jods]

Hmmm is that pizza I smell Jim or is the BBQ getting a workout?

Hope Kathy is enjoying her break.

[Claire]

Does that mean you lot sat down to a nice meal of chopped onion then? Mmmm!

[batgirl]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[batgirl]

Hmmm is that pizza I smell Jim or is the BBQ getting a workout?

Omg Jods I can't believe you remembered about the pizza... :) To everyone who doesn't know, Dad used to get this gross take away pizza whenever Mum didn't cook. Or he'd BBQ, but usually the pizza. It was disgusting, it wasn't very good pizza to begin with, and then since we lived in the country it would be cold by the time he came home with it.

He's not doing that anymore though Jods, now he buys all the ingredients for a homemade pizza, and Jacob and I make it, though he helps with the most important parts, like onions obviously. :rolleyes:

[Lisa]

LOL... I'm a female Jim!

[Jim]

Argh. Time to surrender I reckon. Too many females! ;-)

Jim.

[Marlene]

Jim,

A smart man knows when's he's outmanned and outgunned...especially when it's a lot of females doing it. Nice to know you're a smart man. :wink:

Lisa

[anthony]

Argh... smart man, knows when to retreat. I am still learning, though certainly do know when to typically run nowadays. You still have far more experience on your side than I yet Jim.... yet I dare say another decade or two from me, and I will run sooner myself.

[Nicolette]

I am still learning, though certainly do know when to typically run nowadays. You still have far more experience on your side than I yet Jim.... yet I dare say another decade or two from me, and I will run sooner myself.

Well, what do I say to this Anthony?! Glad to read you are still learning as improvement is good :wink:. Keep the runners on and quit (start running) sooner rather than later and we'll be just fine and dandy. :poke:

[Kathy]

Well it seems my thread has gone completely off topic whilst I was away! :rolleyes: However, thank you all for doing so, this is one time where I have truly appreciated it. It quite cheered me to read!

I will now bring it back on topic. I had a wonderful 48 hours in the city with my sister. It truly was what the doctor ordered, as Jim stated. I feel refreshed and able to tackle my grief once more. My sister is now here visiting, which is lovely as we are very close and everyone adores her. I will be returning to the therapist this week to discuss treatment options. It is likely I will have to wait some time for a therapist, as there is a shortage of them here. Fortunately I have started a private diary which is helping me to deal with issues I do not feel comfortable sharing publicly. Much thanks to you Anthony for your assistance! I will keep you all updated.

[Nicolette]

Glad to hear you are feeling better Kathy and that you are getting some help whilst you await therapy.

From speaking with Evie I understand your sister is delightful and fun person so her staying can only be good for all.

[Jen]

Kathy glad you are feeling a bit more positive. Its nice to have a sister that you are close to as she would be someone you could confide in?
I have two close sisters who I know will always be there for me the only problem is they live a long way away!

[jods]

I'm glad you are feeling recharged Kathy, it's amazing what a few days away can do to help lift your spirits.

Hope you have a great time with your sister!

[wildcritter44]

:hello: Hi Kathy,

You are lucky to have a sister. I have two 1/2 brothers 10 and 14 yrs older, living 250 away or 2,000 miles away...

I am very happy you are doing so much better and able to help yourself. You are so very strong...

My prayers are with you.

Hugs to you and your family...:Hug_emoticon:

Take Care

Donna

[Kathy]

Thank you ladies. Yes Nicolette, my sister Judith is a very "cool" person according to the children, they all love her. She is a big fan of comics, especially Spiderman, so she gets along quite well with Evie. She's a joy to have around, and yes Jen I do confide in her.

I am fortunate to have two of my three sisters living in eastern Canada, though not on the island, and not terribly close, however I still get to see them fairly often. My third sister lives in New Zealand and I have not seen her in over 10 years. Though Jim and I keep planning to visit NZ one of these days!

[Kathy]

Today has been particularly difficult for remembering Brian and dealing with his death. Evie has been quite out of sorts and if I am honest so have I. I am uncertain if it is being exacerbated by Colin's deployment, however today was quite painful. I have been in tears or on the verge of tears, off and on for the entire day. Tonight I was most grateful to have found some general editing duties to do upon the forum, as I needed something to distract me. Chronic distraction is not good, however tonight I simply do not want to think about my grief anymore. All day was long enough and I do so wish to have a break from this sadness!

[anthony]

I concur Kathy.... everyone deserves a break from sadness at times, and your dealing with that typically.... so enjoy your break please. Sorry that you feel so sad Kathy.... I know your going to get much better quite soon though. Nobody can tell you to stop hurting Kathy, because that is your choice and it depends on the reasons you hurt, ie. punishing yourself or just sadness for not having Brian with you. Big difference between the two though. Please take care of yourself Kathy.... you have a rough ride still ahead yet.

[lrs]

I have 3 daughters, I can't imagine what a loss like yours must be like. I wish you all the best.

[Kathy]

Thank you both, I am starting to feel better, though as you say Anthony there is a lot of work ahead! Everyone in the house is still a bit out of sorts, I believe aside from Brian, and Colin's deployment, it is simply the weather. We are in the midst of the coldest and dreariest few weeks of the year, and I believe it is all getting to us a bit (as it does to virtually everyone who lives here!).

[dljwhitewolf]

I only knew love of father and brother, they were my world, they died of huntington's disease, I too, had too many near death experiences, I know where they are, and just how beautiful,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I believe that there is a huge book in the sky, in it it says a name date of birth and date of death, and nothing and no one can prevent that.
I had witness many a murder, and as tiny as I was, I said a prayer for each one of the good souls that wound up in the wrong area at the wrong time.
I just found out today, that a dear friend had passed away, in calling a different state where we grew up, ny, now in nc, to tell others of his passing, I found out another dear friend past two years ago.
Lisa, Lars who passed today, was guilt ridden over petty arguments they had, Lisa knows my abuse of the past and some of the abusers, (satanic cult foster care), I told her that Lars is in his mothers arms right now, and that no matter what "we" think we could have done, God chose to take our loved ones for his own reasons.
I believe when I am overwrought with anguish, that in a way I am not letting my loved ones experience all the joy on the other side, because they are mourning my sadness.
I would go to my fathers gravesite, with a pack of marlboros two cups of coffee and sit and cry,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i usually would bring a small stuffed animal of a cool color, as he was a race car driver, and tell him that that color was the in thing, I would make sure to laugh at stuff before i left, as if he were right there.
Next, my brother was at the same plot.
Well crushed yes, but this time when i visited it was with a pack of marlboros two cups of coffee and one heineken.
Dad got his coffee and smokes first at the head of the stone,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and I would slowly let my brother have sips way down at the feet.
I would tell him don't you dare get any of that beer in Diddy's coffee, boy.
Again leaving the cemetary, bleary eyed but laughing at what life was doing at the moment.
I know I will see them again, I have no doubt. It just hurts that the ones that filled our hearts the most, are the ones that can leave.
Today, besides two deaths, one a year ago, and I will have to write the obit as usual, I have been deemed the writer in too many worlds, my ferret is missing and possible inside the walls of the apt. complex, which thankfully is only two stories and five across.
and have told others to look out for her.
I hope anything I've said helps you, I am an indian shaman, but it seems I was put here to bury, and I want to quit the job, but can't find the boss.............errrrrrrrrr
blessings,,,
Donna-Lynne aka White Wolf

[dljwhitewolf]

chat-ptsd I just posted a thread called another death to deal with, maybe my way of handling things may be helpful or at the very least insightful,
you are in my prayers,
Donna-Lynne

[batgirl]

I decided to write here rather than create a new thread. We are all feeling kind of shitty right now, even Dad. I'm not sure why except we did do a kind of grieving exercise and it turned out to be pretty intense. Jacob is the lucky one, he went back to school the other day!! :p I am so upset and angry right now, and sad all at the same time, that I don't even trust myself to write much of anything. I hope this lets up soon for all of us.

[morgan]

I don't know my way around this forum to well yet so I just now am reading about y'alls pain and grief. I just want to say that you are all in my thoughts. please take good care.:Hug_emoticon:
Morgan

[dljwhitewolf]

batgirl,
I see and hear you, losing someone runs the gamets of emotions, all very, very normal.
A woman once said, the longer my husbands death is, the better he gets.
We tend to try to remember all the goodness that person has caused in his life, after time, and the sadder ones lessen, abit.
Our hearts are not designed to accept losses, especially ones that are grand. Let yourself feel all that you do, maybe a journal would be a good idea, writing how you are feeling when bothered, sad, angry, and let those feelings out on paper and not bottled up inside.
You can even write letters to him, telling him why these feelings are present.
He is amongst the best of the best, we are left to pick up the peices of our broken hearts.
Sorry for your loss,
Donna-Lynne

[Kathy]

Thank you for your thoughts Donna-Lynne and Morgan. Always appreciated.

I have been away for a few days, as Evie mentioned we completed a grieving exercise which was quite intense, and I thought it best to have a break from the forum whilst I sorted everything out in my mind. It was very painful, however I did make a major breakthrough, in that it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

[Nicolette]

It was very painful, however I did make a major breakthrough, in that it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

Congratulations Kathy. We are all sorry for Brian's death and your pain but it is really good news that you have came to this realisation on your own and you believe it.

[Marlene]

it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

It is quite liberating. Intellectually we know things, but it seems to take a while for our emotions to catch up to our intellect. I'm glad that you've gotten around this corner. It's a really big step.

Hugs
Lisa

[anthony]

You already know my thoughts Kathy.... well done. The rides not over yet, however; a major aspect you have dealt with. How you approach things now is in your control.

[Kathy]

Thank you all. I am having to pinch myself to make certain it is really true, that I am no longer blaming myself for his death, however it is! I do have more to accomplish however being able to realize this major truth gives me much hope for my recovery. I realize now I was not very hopeful that I would ever recover.

[pandora]

Kathy...I am glad you are really beginning to health in such a healthy manner....at least that is my opinion.
Take Care
Pand

[Sapper]

Glad your feeling a bit better Mum. Maybe I should take a leaf from your book.. I'm still in the pissed off stage when it comes to Brian. If he wasn't dead already I think I'd kill him myself. I'm sick of watching what he's done to our family.

[Kathy]

Well to be honest Travis, I believe I should take a leaf from your book as well. You may still be angry with Brian, however at least you speak about your anger openly and everything else that you are feeling for that matter. That was my mistake initially, to deny my "negative" feelings towards Brian and claim to only feel good for him.

Thank you pandora, I am trying to be healthy about it now, though it is not easy!

[Kathy]

I had my first therapy session yesterday morning. I am receiving a combination of CBT and invivo exposure therapy to deal with Brian's death. The therapist was brief with the pleasantries and got down to business straight away. However, that was one of the reasons I hired him in the first place; he is one of my former colleagues and brevity and clarity was what I wanted in treatment. I must say though, whilst the first session went very well, I believe this is going to be far more difficult than I realized. Even the initial session was rather upsetting and I needed a day to recouperate.