Concern Over Not Speaking

[Kathy]

Not speaking is nothing new with my daughter, in addition to PTSD she has a high functioning form of autism and so communication has always been a struggle for her at times. From previous experience, I know the situation usually resolves itself eventually. However I felt to write about it a bit today, as it seems a little more "serious" than usual. Evie had some very positive news just after Christmas, she was called for an interview with a comic book publisher in New York City. The actual date of the interview was her trauma anniversary (the anniversary of the shooting), however with encouragement, Evie travelled to NY with her father, went to the interview, and was hired! She begins work as a penciller/inker in March. It is a work from home job as was her last comic book position, so she is able to handle it. We are very pleased and proud of her.

However, since returning home and crashing from the built-up stress, she has not spoken. Additionally, and this is why I consider it a bit more serious, she is not writing notes to us nor does she wish to type anything. She is not even interesting in chatting with friends on the computer, something she is usually quite addicted to. She is simply pointing and making gestures. Even that though is at a minimum. I encouraged her to come on the forum today, I thought she should share the news of her job. She only stayed on briefly however, shook her head and shrugged her shoulders when I said she should type in the PTSD Success Stories. I almost typed about her job in there myself, I asked her and she nodded yes, however I then decided that is something she should do herself.

Perhaps I am concerned for nothing, however the no notes and no typing is rather odd for her. I am only hoping she is not becoming depressed.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Kathy, I'm sorry to hear this as well. If I remember correctly Evie stated in a post that she wanted to stay off of the internet as a New Year's Resolution type thing. So maybe not coming into the forum is just part of her sticking to her want for change.

I hope she starts responding soon.

Tammy

Take care
Tammy

[kers]

I understand your concern--this has a different quality than her typical silences, so naturally you are concerned. I susepct that the holidays, the trip to Venezuela, the job interview (and trip) and the trauma anniversary on top of it--that's all quite a lot to deal with. Evie has been doing great, but it's natural for her (and many others of us) to shut down to recover from overwhelm.

I think you're right to be concerned about depression--I find that often I stop communicating when I am particularly down on myself and my past/present/future. If she's able to otherwise participate in things--be with people, do things--then waiting and watching makes sense. If she's withdrawing more, though, that's more worrisome.

[Frankie]

Kathy, You are the one that knows her best.

If you are concerned about her right now, then you have every right to be. Not talking is not good ! I can understand you worry that she could be going through a depressions !

I would watch her closely and get her to talk about her new job, which is great ! Good for her ! Or maybe you should just go ahead and ask "is something bothering you?"

Maybe she feels it is too much for her ? and won't do too good on the job ? Maybe she is stressed about it ? Or maybe it is the build-up of many of the things that happened in the last year ?

[Kathy]

Thank you Tammy, Kers and Frankie. I am honestly worried about her tonight so I do appreciate the prompt and thoughtful replies. Frankie you are correct in that I do know her well, and this does not seem like her usual silences. I do find though that I am overreacting quite a lot lately, worrying too much about my children and so on, which is one of the reasons I am going into grief therapy regarding my son's death. Sometimes it's difficult to know when I am worrying too much and when I really should worry! Unfortunately asking Evie what is wrong is not helpful as she does not reply. Usually however, she will write notes to my husband and I, explaining what is going on. I think the fact that she is not even doing that is what is really worrying me at this point.

When I think about it (and thank you for reminding me of this kers), the last 2-3 weeks have been extremely stressful for her:
prior to the holidays, some issues on the forum upset her
she had a very bad asthma attack and was in the emergency room for over 12 hours whilst they tried to stabilize her
she was frightened about our trip overseas though she did well
she had a nasty fight with her father during the holidays, also some issues with emailing friends over the holidays, the outcome of which upset her
she had the surprise (though positive) of needing to travel to NYC, having the interview and so on
she was hired, though she is still having a bit of trouble drawing (her hands have been shaking from medication, though the doctor has said it will be gone by March), so perhaps she is also worried about not being prepared physically for the job
she had her trauma anniversary very recently
Colin is deployed to Afghanistan in 3 weeks' timeNow that I have written that all out, I see it is really rather a lot of stress for anyone, nevermind someone with PTSD! Perhaps she simply needs some more time to rest, though my husband and I will definitely be keeping a close eye on her and encouraging her to speak to us. She did have a cuddle with my husband tonight, after keeping to herself for the last 2 days, so that is at least positive.

[Jim]

Well. Needless to say - feel like a crap father re: our fight. And. I am also concerned currently. Has a lot on her plate. However. Evie is resilient. I am confident she will come round.

Jim.

[Jen]

Hey Jim dont kick yourself all fathers fight with their children! I am sure Evie is not holding a grudge! She is doing it tough at the moment?
Her not talking must be worrying if it is a new thing?
Thoughts are with you!

[Kathy]

Yes it is worrying Jen as it seems to be worse than usual. However, whilst it is worse in that she is not communicating verbally or in writing, it is also better than the usual silences as she is interacting with the family, smiling, hugging, doing chores and so on today. We called the neuro-psychiatrist this morning and reported to him how she is acting. He feels from our description, that at least part of it is her autism. Under stress, autistics can regress. Speech is usually one of the first things to go for Evie, it has been that way her entire life, we had simply forgotten that aspect. Since she now has PTSD, we often overlook that she is also autistic.

We are going to watch her closely over the next few days and the psychiatrist would like to see her as soon as possible. We have an appointment for Wednesday.

[pandora]

I am sorry to hear that Evie is having a rough time. There really has been a lot of things to deal with in the recent past....I am sure this is just a bad time ( the trauma anniversary being a large one) but she IS resiliant and I am sure as we all have rough spells...she will get through this. She is a strong young woman. Hopefully you will get some answers on Wednesday....take good care of yourselves...all of you.

[Kathy]

Thank you pandora. I believe Evie is coming out of it a little, which is a relief. She is on the forum this evening and posted a bit. She is saying a few more words, in fragmented sentences, however at least she is talking! Hopefully the worst is over.

[Jen]

Thats good to hear Kathy!
Baby steps Evie!!

[anthony]

Evie, start talking..... send me an email if you cannot talk to another, though I hope you would to Jim or Kathy first. The option is always yours, remember that.... only you can fix you Evie, nobody else can do it for you. Quiet is perfectly normal if you simply have nothing to say.... though if depressed and you know it, start talking now, get out of the house and exercise. Jim will tell you, even when you feel as though you have nothing to give physically, you will be quite amazed what you can do physically once you going.

[Nicolette]

I am happy to report I have heard a few words from Evie which is most pleasing.

[Kathy]

This morning Evie is able to speak as usual again, she was writing this morning too with little problem. Everything came out "normally" rather than fragmented and cryptic. We did push her yesterday to begin talking or at least typing, and she made an effort, so we are proud of her. She is not in a good mood today however. She cried a lot this morning, as she feels embarrassed about her lack of speech, or rather, that she tried to communicate with others outside the family and it didn't come out "normal". She was saying "I'm a freak" several times and feeling quite sorry for herself until Jim put a stop to it. She is now out with Jim. Frankly, he dragged her out of the house to help him repairs around our place. I don't think she's happy however she hasn't much choice!

[Linda]

Hope Evie will get better soon

[anthony]

Absolute best medicine to help Evie what you have both done.... well done to both you and Jim for taking such active stances and pushing Evie towards how to feel better within herself. Knowing as writing this the above worked extremely well and got Evie motivated and feeling much better about herself.

[Kathy]

Thank you Anthony, it is reassurring to get confirmation that we are acting appropriately with her. She is indeed much improved now, seems to have "snapped back" quite nicely. And she most definitely knows what she must do to get better. She simply didn't feel like doing it, that was very obvious to us yesterday morning!

I did want to stress to everyone, in case it is not clear - most of the time now, Evie pushes herself and my husband and I needn't do much. The occasions where we need to push as we recently did are becoming fewer and further between. Mostly now we simply encourage her in her efforts. She has made tremendous progress in the last few months and we are very proud of her.

[Frankie]

Good to hear Kathy ! You and Jim did the right thing in helping her and motivating her. And good for you also Evie for making the efforts you needed to make :)

Actually this is something I wonder about. My reasoning is this "When the person is suffering and goes deep in a depression state, isn't it better for their loved ones to try to push them out of this state ?" Since the sufferer doesn't want to do anything anymore, and can't think clearly for himself, isn't it up to us to slowly make them want to start "living" again ? instead of just waiting for them to come "out of it "? I always fear that just waiting could do more damage.

I often wonder about this, since I have read that at times it is better to leave them alone and not push ! I try to "push" my bf but always in a "good" way, I am never nasty with him and when he tells me "I can't talk about it" I let him be.

[Jen]

I believe if you can push them so to speak in a nice way it would probably help Frankie!
I am starting to feel that if I had pushed Hubby earlier on things may have been different. But we get caught up in our lives and try to live and put up with it.
If you are in an early relationship it probably wouldnt hurt?

[Kathy]

With Evie, Jim and I have found there are times (like the other day) when pushing her is beneficial, as she is simply being stubborn or not motivated to help herself, and needs a bit of coaxing or reminding. However, there are other times when she is truly ill and needs time to herself, rest and so on, and we do not push her then. Usually if she truly needs time to herself, she will ask for it, which is quite helpful to us. Other than her requests, we have learned through trial and error when it is right to push her and when it isn't. It is highly individual and one needs to be in tune with the habits and personality of their sufferer. It took us a year of living day to day with Evie and much honest communication, to reach the point which we now enjoy, whereby we typically know when to push and when not to.

[Frankie]

Jen, yes I am in a new relationship...14 wonderful months :) and we do talk a lot ! I ask him a lot of questions, and he calmly answers them, not always as soon as I ask..but he does say "I will answer you when I feel ready" and I respect him cause I always tell him "if you feel like talking" and "when you are ready"

I do push him sometimes, and so far, it has often given us good reasults, he even told me a few times " I needed that" but as Kathy says it is a very delicate situation and we have to know when to push and when to stay away. I am still learning with my bf :) We are always honest with each other, and I often tell him "I am sorry if I offended you, I am learning"

[Kathy]

Rather than begin a new thread, I decided I might simply continue here. Evie has had a couple of stressful days, learned some very hard truths about herself. Not to mention my son Colin is deploying in a few days, and I believe that is catching up with her. Additionally I was very unkind to her for much of last week, whilst I was stressed myself. Result being, she woke up not speaking this morning, and is now "crashing" quite badly. Jim tried to push her to go out with him, however she refused, so we thought it best to give her a bit of space. She is lying down now. However we do expect her to get dressed and get up for dinner tonight, and hopefully she will speak to us later on as well.

One thing Evie did that was quite positive however, she wordlessly handed over her car keys to her father. He did not ask for them, however we assume that means she was thinking of running off again and decided to remove the temptation. In any event, it is a positive step, as she is working very dilligently to not run off when upset.

[Jen]

That has to be a good move on Evies part Kathy? To hand her keys over is very responsible.
It seems like she just needs a bit of time out at times hey?

[Jim]

Yep I was proud of her for handing over the keys. And. She talked to me. Her problem was none of the above that Kathleen mentioned. Something entirely different. Glad she talked though. She is somewhat better now. Dad saves the day again. ;-)

Re: a bit of time out Jen, I am fine with it, but not for more than a few hours. After that, it's too long in my opinion. Longer she goes without talking or going, worse it gets. She gets bogged down.

Jim.

[Jen]

I see what you mean Jim and I am glad she is feeling better!

[wildcritter44]

Glad to hear Evie is bouncing back...

Very happy for you Evie on the new job... You are very good and should get paid for being good... :clap: Hang in there.......:Hug_emoticon:

Take Care

Donna & Ranger

[Kathy]

Thank you Donna and yes, Evie is doing quite well now. I would say she is in the management stage of PTSD for the most part, or at the very least entering it. She must avoid certain situations and does have her bad days however she is a lot calmer for the most part. Some days I believe she is doing better than I am. :rolleyes:

I will let her know you and Ranger said hello. She peeks in here on occasion however I am uncertain if she reads everything.